{"id":9130,"date":"2018-03-01T04:00:03","date_gmt":"2018-03-01T12:00:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/?p=9130"},"modified":"2024-05-17T13:48:52","modified_gmt":"2024-05-17T20:48:52","slug":"making-up-after-a-fight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/making-up-after-a-fight\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Make Up After a Fight"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019re anything like I was, when you fight with your partner you both say nasty things.<\/p>\n<p>It can be shocking to see how low this thing you live with will go.<\/p>\n<p>And while I\u2019ve said some regrettable things during a fight, the biggest thing on my mind when it\u2019s over is that he owes me an apology. Big time!<\/p>\n<p>And it\u2019d better be a good one, to convince me that he\u2019s really sorry and he\u2019ll never do it again.<\/p>\n<p>Until then, I will show that I am waiting for said apology by being distant and having an irritated look on my face.<\/p>\n<p>That ought to motivate him.<\/p>\n<p>But it didn\u2019t. Mostly that approach got me a cold war and wall-to-wall hostility.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s stressful. It\u2019s hurtful. Fortunately, I have a better <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/3-ways-to-recover-from-a-fight\/\">post-fight game plan now<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Here are 3 power moves to restore the peace and connection after a fight. <!--more--><\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/making-up-after-a-fight\/#1_Own_Your_Part\" title=\"Own Your Part\">Own Your Part<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/making-up-after-a-fight\/#2_Issue_Just_One_Apology\" title=\"Issue Just One Apology\">Issue Just One Apology<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/making-up-after-a-fight\/#3_Do_Nothing\" title=\"Do Nothing\">Do Nothing<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Own_Your_Part\"><\/span>1. Own Your Part<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-16163 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/accountability-in-relationships.jpg\" alt=\"Accountability in Relationships\" width=\"1080\" height=\"454\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/accountability-in-relationships.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/accountability-in-relationships-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/accountability-in-relationships-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/accountability-in-relationships-768x323.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1080px) 100vw, 1080px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>I wish somebody had told me sooner how much peace and power there is in apologizing for my part in a scuffle.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe they tried, but I didn\u2019t get the message. So I spent many years waiting to be apologized to, which just made me a victim.<\/p>\n<p>Victims don\u2019t have that much fun, it turns out, and they don\u2019t have such great relationships either&#8211;take it from me.<\/p>\n<p>Also, I wish I\u2019d known <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/stop-silent-treatment\/\">the anatomy of an accountable apology<\/a> sooner because that\u2019s where the real magic is.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-3162745070\"><p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<!--HubSpot Call-to-Action Code --><span class=\"hs-cta-wrapper\" id=\"hs-cta-wrapper-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><span class=\"hs-cta-node hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" id=\"hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><!--[if lte IE 8]>\n\n<div id=\"hs-cta-ie-element\"><\/div>\n\n<![endif]--><a href=\"https:\/\/cta-redirect.hubspot.com\/cta\/redirect\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" ><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"hs-cta-img\" id=\"hs-cta-img-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" style=\"border-width:0px;\" src=\"https:\/\/no-cache.hubspot.com\/cta\/default\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969.png\"  alt=\"Free Webinar\"\/><\/a><\/span><script charset=\"utf-8\" src=\"https:\/\/js.hscta.net\/cta\/current.js\"><\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> hbspt.cta.load(21708589, '72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969', {\"useNewLoader\":\"true\",\"region\":\"na1\"}); <\/script><\/span><!-- end HubSpot Call-to-Action Code -->\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Now, a breakdown is my signal to check if I have something to clean up.<\/p>\n<p>I absolutely love knowing that I can bring peace to my relationship and to my soul by taking responsibility for whatever I said or did that was less than what I aspire to be.<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes I have to think a long time before I can identify my part of the mess because I just don\u2019t want to admit that I jumped to conclusions, interrupted, controlled or criticized.<\/p>\n<p>Even after all these years of being in the habit of apologizing, it\u2019s still uncomfortable to look for my faults.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s also a relief.<\/p>\n<p>I can give up the exhausting dance of trying to defend myself and embrace the liberation of saying, \u201cSome terrible things were said&#8230;and I\u2019m the one who said them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/husband-never-apologizes\/\">What about<em> his<\/em> apology<\/a>, you might wonder. When is <em>he<\/em> ever going to learn this secret?<\/p>\n<p>When you find the courage to burst the tension bubble yourself with an apology, you often get one back. But even if you don\u2019t, you get something I\u2019ve come to value even more: a clean side of the street.<\/p>\n<p>I no longer have to defend the indefensible. Phew!<\/p>\n<p>That often restores the peace immediately, but whether my apology is accepted or not, I\u2019ve done what\u2019s in my power to set things right. Holy cow, that feels good!<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-3975038810\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Issue_Just_One_Apology\"><\/span>2. Issue Just One Apology<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-16164 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/how-to-apologize-to-husband-after-a-fight.jpg\" alt=\"How to apologize to your husband after a fight.\" width=\"1080\" height=\"454\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/how-to-apologize-to-husband-after-a-fight.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/how-to-apologize-to-husband-after-a-fight-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/how-to-apologize-to-husband-after-a-fight-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/how-to-apologize-to-husband-after-a-fight-768x323.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1080px) 100vw, 1080px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>I remember having serious fights in the past where I just wanted my husband to get over it so we could go back to normal.<\/p>\n<p>So I would say I was sorry again and again. <em>Sorry, sorry, sorry.<\/em> Because more is more.<\/p>\n<p>That did not have the desired effect. He would just get more irritated.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s because it wasn\u2019t so much about me being accountable or remorseful. It was more about trying to get him to snap out of being upset so I wouldn\u2019t be uncomfortable and fearful about our lack of connection.<\/p>\n<p>These days I prefer to take a one-and-done approach.<\/p>\n<p>Unless he didn\u2019t hear me or there\u2019s a new offense I want to clean up, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.apa.org\/news\/podcasts\/speaking-of-psychology\/apologize\">one apology is enough<\/a>. No need to repeat myself like a trained parrot, even if he\u2019s still upset and going on about how awful I was being.<\/p>\n<p>That singular, solemn apology has more gravity than repeated groveling, in my experience, and leaves me feeling more dignified, even if I just had an ugly meltdown all over my husband because the the new dryer door opens the wrong direction.<\/p>\n<p>Not a proud moment, but at least I\u2019m not doubling down on my bad behavior by defending it or trying to wish it away with repeated<em> sorry\u2019s.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Even if I don\u2019t get immediate forgiveness in that moment, once again I know I\u2019m clean.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Do_Nothing\"><\/span>3. Do Nothing<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-16165\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/authentic-communication-in-relationships.jpg\" alt=\"Authentic Communication in Relationships\" width=\"1080\" height=\"454\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/authentic-communication-in-relationships.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/authentic-communication-in-relationships-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/authentic-communication-in-relationships-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/authentic-communication-in-relationships-768x323.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1080px) 100vw, 1080px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>99% of the time when I\u2019m in a conflict with someone, even if I feel my actions were completely justified given the situation, there\u2019s something I would like to have done better.<\/p>\n<p>Since I love the feeling of empowerment I get, I usually find something to apologize for, like that I didn\u2019t communicate very well or that I wasn\u2019t more patient.<\/p>\n<p>But on rare occasions, I can\u2019t think of anything I\u2019ve done that was regrettable at all. I\u2019m already clean. Apologizing would be betraying myself because it wouldn\u2019t be authentic.<\/p>\n<p>So I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, that can be stressful.<\/p>\n<p>Recently, I recommended a paint color to a friend, and she gave that color to the painter but then didn\u2019t like the color once it was up on the high ceiling.<\/p>\n<p>My friend was unhappy and wanted me to take responsibility for making a bad recommendation.<\/p>\n<p>In the face of this breakdown, I was tempted to apologize to make nice. But when I looked for my part in this conflict, I found I had no part in causing her unhappiness.<\/p>\n<p>My side of the street felt clean already, so there was no pull to use my super powerful restore-the-peace secret weapon. I had shown up the way I wanted to in this instance.<\/p>\n<p>All I could do was empathize about how disappointing it is to spend money on a painter and not like the result.<\/p>\n<p>The conversation was still going along uncomfortably, but then a funny thing happened: My friend sighed and said, \u201cI know it\u2019s not your fault I don\u2019t like the paint color. I\u2019m just bummed about it. I\u2019m sorry for trying to blame you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The tension was gone, and all I had done was stay true to myself and listen to my friend process her disappointment.<\/p>\n<p>The same can happen with my husband.<\/p>\n<p>He could be a grouch on the couch throwing out blame I don\u2019t think I deserve or invitations to an argument.<\/p>\n<p>If I can RSVP \u201cnot attending\u201d and mind my own side of the street, I save myself from owing an apology later.<\/p>\n<p>If you have a conflict with someone in your life right now, a great experiment to try is to ask yourself which of these 3 moves would contribute to greater peace. Do you owe an apology? Will you issue one and only one? Or is your side of the street completely clean already?<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d love to hear in the comments section below.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019re anything like I was, when you fight with your partner you both say nasty things. It can be shocking to see how low this thing you live with will go. And while I\u2019ve said some regrettable things during a fight, the biggest thing on my mind when it\u2019s over is that he owes\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/making-up-after-a-fight\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":14449,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[708,723],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-9130","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-how-to"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Make Up After a Fight [3 Power Moves to Restore Peace]<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Here are 3 power moves to restore the peace and 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