I blamed my husband for everything, never taking responsibility for my own happiness or cleaning up my side of the street, dismissing my own acts of rage and disrespect. I was controlling, critical and lacked self-care.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t like who I had become, and obviously he didn\u2019t either.<\/p>\n
My husband often resorted to watching TV and snuggling with our pets as I’d rage at him for ignoring my needs. I was unhappy and criticized his choices, such as how he parented. I’d cry, fight, yell and pout to get my way. There were cold wars for days, sometimes weeks.<\/p>\n
I had a lot to learn.<\/p>\n
Trouble was, I didn\u2019t know any of that. What I did know was that my husband was no longer attracted to me and that I needed help. So after reading the book The Surrendered Wife<\/a><\/em>, I emailed Laura Doyle and begged her to help me save my marriage.<\/p>\n That was in 2001, and I\u2019ve never left her side.<\/p>\n One of the first things I learned was that the Intimacy Skills empower me to be a more dignified woman, wife and mother. They\u2019re not really about changing my husband, although he responded to me much more affectionately after I started practicing them.<\/p>\n As much as I welcomed these changes, they weren\u2019t all smooth sailing.<\/p>\n Recently someone asked which Intimacy Skill was the hardest. I hate to admit it but... <\/a><\/span>Share on X<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n The most difficult Skill for me has been vulnerability.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s what I mean.<\/p> Admitting that I had limitations and couldn’t continue to shoulder the burden of managing our finances was a bold move for me. I had controlled the money and insisted on how it should be spent for years.<\/p>\n Reversing myself on that point was scary.<\/p>\n I was so afraid that if I surrendered the finances to my husband, I wouldn’t get to buy whatever I wanted, like the endless purses I collected as part of my retail therapy. Yet, I had a desire to be free of that chore so I could experience receiving, which felt very vulnerable–but also appealing.<\/p>\n It took me five years to relinquish control of the finances and receive my husband\u2019s generous help, gifts and trips graciously.<\/p>\n When I did, he supported me leaving my lucrative 25-year career to follow my passion. He found ways to take even more off my plate while providing that tender place to fall when I got nervous about this scary transition. He\u2019d sit with me, hold my hand, hug me, listen to me, take me on nature walks and tell me it was all going to be okay.<\/p>\n As he saw me taking better care of myself, he piled on even more self-care by inviting me to get a massage or a nap.<\/p>\n He’s truly my hero and biggest fan, bragging about my work with the Skills to everyone he talks to. The poor guy had it in him the whole time; I just wasn’t very allowing before the Skills.<\/p>\n After surrendering financially, I thought I had arrived. I had finally made it with the Skills and saved my marriage!<\/p>\n Little did I know that more opportunities to be vulnerable lay ahead, like when I started connecting with the other students in Laura\u2019s Relationship Coach Training<\/a> and talking to women who reached out to her for help with the Skills.<\/p>\n I had never imagined having such personal conversations admitting how controlling I\u2019d been! I’d been an accountant for 25 years, so sharing about things like that wasn’t the norm.<\/p>\n But once I did, it was freeing and empowering. I felt self expressed and authentic telling my truth, owning my side of the street. I felt alive, like I was making a difference.<\/p>\n My vulnerability journey took a scarier turn when I told my surrendering story–warts and all–to the media, including The Wall Street Journal<\/em>, First for Women<\/em> magazine, and the BBC.<\/p>\n When the journalists asked to speak to my husband too, I agreed even though I had no idea what he would share about his experience of me practicing the Skills and what I was like before.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png\")
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