{"id":9302,"date":"2018-07-12T04:00:40","date_gmt":"2018-07-12T11:00:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyleorg.wpengine.com\/?p=9302"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:17","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:17","slug":"my-husband-hurts-my-feelings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-hurts-my-feelings\/","title":{"rendered":"My Husband Hurts My Feelings"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sonya, Laura Doyle Certified Coach
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThe problem with you is\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Ouch. I hate hearing words like that.<\/p>\n

Is it bait, an insult, or a bad joke?<\/p>\n

For years, I wallowed in hurt that felt so fresh I could tear up practically on demand thinking about how unloved and unappreciated I felt.<\/p>\n

What do you do when a lot of the communication toward you feels negative?<\/p>\n

I had no idea until I learned this trick for doing away with the jabs for good. <\/a><\/span>Share on X<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

I tried lots of things to do away with the hurt.<\/p>\n

Self-care<\/a> built up my baseline happiness so the stings didn\u2019t penetrate as deeply.<\/p>\n

Becoming more respectful diffused a lot of tense situations. I finally recognized that always aiming to \u201cwin\u201d arguments just put us on opposite teams.<\/p>\n

Looking for the good and sharing my gratitude built up his baseline satisfaction with us and changed my perspective.<\/p>\n

But I still tended to interpret his comments toward me with a negative slant. Even with all these tools, I kept feeling insulted, martyred, and teary.<\/p>\n

Then I started adapting the Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy<\/a> (SFP) in response to the jabs. Basically, I tell myself that he loves me and doesn\u2019t want to hurt me.<\/p>

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

I experimented with turning around a complaint into its positive reflection or even into a compliment. I\u2019ve found that swapping an insult for a compliment is an uncanny way to upend an argument.<\/p>\n

I reinforce the reality I\u2019d like to see, whether or not it feels perfectly true immediately. When he told me he joked to his coworkers that he could work a holiday to avoid his in-laws, I said, \u201cI know you love being with my family.\u201d<\/p>\n

When he wasn\u2019t sure if he\u2019d make a dad event at school, I said, \u201cI know that you love being a dad.\u201d<\/p>\n

When he said he had to go to work since my hobby business wouldn\u2019t pay the bills, I said, \u201cI know you value my contribution to the family.\u201d<\/p>\n

Recently I was relaying my concerns about the safety of an outdoor platform that was getting rickety and had steep drop-offs on three sides. The conversation was starting to degrade into an argument\u2014which isn\u2019t familiar any more for us now that I\u2019ve adopted the 6 Intimacy Skills\u2122.<\/p>\n

I finally just said, \u201cI know you care about our safety\u201d and left it at that. I didn\u2019t have the carpentry skills to reinforce the platform and couldn\u2019t force him to change it, so I had to trust him on that.<\/p>\n

I look for the positive heart message<\/a> and encourage that.<\/p>\n

I recently tried to ask him a question, but he couldn\u2019t hear me in the next room. When I came closer to repeat my question, he went on a diatribe about how I need to stop talking when no one can hear me and stop expecting them to know what I\u2019ve said. The lecturing tone of his words was saddening me, so I pulled in closer for a hug and said that I was glad he wants to know what I am saying.<\/p>\n

At the airport he reached out his hand and said he wished I\u2019d walk faster and keep up with him. I said, \u201cOh, you want to walk close to me and be near me?\u201d He responded that he did.<\/p>\n

I seek to see his comments in the best possible light and respond from that perspective. When I told him I\u2019d gone on an amazing walk in a beautiful park I rarely visit and how the friend I was with goes there daily, he said, \u201cYou should take a walk there every day too.\u201d<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t deny it, my first \u2014and familiar\u2014thought was that he just wanted me away from him. In the past, I probably would have come back with \u201cYou just don\u2019t want me around.\u201d But this time, in looking at this in the best possible light, I said, \u201cI\u2019m so glad you care about my self-care.\u201d<\/p>\n

Another day I said, \u201cI think I might take a shower.\u201d He responded, \u201cYou should take a shower.\u201d On a low self-care day, my old self would’ve gotten teary to hear this affirmation\/insult. But instead I said, \u201cI’m glad you care about my cleanliness.\u201d<\/p>\n

My husband still looks at me a little funny when I give him a hopeful compliment in response to his remarks, but he always seems a bit prouder that I’m thinking well of him too.<\/p>\n

Instead of getting defensive or debating, I acknowledge the positive side of his comment. When he complained about my lack of tidiness, I said, \u201cI\u2019m so glad you are watching me so closely.\u201d Past retorts about all I do around the house, how overwhelmed I felt, and how other people have housekeepers had all fallen flat.<\/p>\n

When he gave a disapproving glance at my vintage outfit, I smiled playfully and said, \u201cI\u2019m glad you notice what I wear.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve also used humor to reframe. Returning home from a weekend trip, I was greeted by a funky smell in the kitchen. I went around trying to sniff out the source while talking about the problem. My husband said, \u201cI didn\u2019t notice a smell until you got home.\u201d I could have taken it personally, but I replied, \u201cThat\u2019s amazing that your senses are heightened in my presence.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then there was the time I backed over the mailbox. It was a big oops. I felt I needed to confess quickly, so I started texting him some gratitude through an SFP: \u201cI am thankful that you are understanding and have a good sense of humor. The good news is that the car seems fine, the bad news is the mailbox not so much.\u201d<\/p>\n

He DID respond with humor and fixed it that day!<\/p>\n

Amusingly, he recently started giving me some self-fulfilling prophecies of his own. When he was in a grumpy mood and I remarked that this wasn\u2019t like him, he told me, \u201cBut I\u2019m always nice.\u201d I began repeating that when his behavior wasn\u2019t reinforcing his own mantra for himself. I said, \u201cI don\u2019t understand how this is happening because you\u2019re always nice.\u201d<\/p>\n

Another time he told me that he always loves me and wants to spend time with me. I used to tell myself this as an SFP, and now he\u2019s saying it back to me!<\/p>\n

By deflecting jabs into admiring compliments and smiles, the happiness threshold in my life has risen.<\/p>\n

In the process, the occurrence of such harsh words has diminished. Has the bait stopped since he isn\u2019t getting a rise from me any longer? Or has he turned positive? Or am I just in a happier place where I am focusing on what serves me?<\/p>\n

Regardless of the reason why, our communication has reordered in a good way.<\/p>\n

I’ve discovered that it doesn’t serve me to dwell on my disappointment and nurture my hurts. He really is a good guy and so often I’d been looking for the ugly evidence, not for the good. I’m a lot happier when I give him the benefit of the doubt and try to rebound.<\/p>\n

And in response to \u201cthe problem with you is\u2026,\u201d I can now state positively that I’m so glad he gets me and loves me in spite of my shortcomings.<\/p>\n

How could you find the hidden compliment behind the comment while trusting your partner\u2019s love and commitment? I\u2019d love to hear in the comments below.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sonya, Laura Doyle Certified Coach \u201cThe problem with you is\u2026\u201d Ouch. I hate hearing words like that. Is it bait, an insult, or a bad joke? For years, I wallowed in hurt that felt so fresh I could tear up practically on demand thinking about how unloved and unappreciated I felt. What do you do\u2026 Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":14436,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[708],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-9302","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication"],"yoast_head":"\nMy Husband Hurts My Feelings<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Your partner\u2019s jabs could put your marriage at risk. 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