{"id":9315,"date":"2018-08-02T04:00:29","date_gmt":"2018-08-02T11:00:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/?p=9315"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:15","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:15","slug":"3-ways-to-recover-from-a-fight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/3-ways-to-recover-from-a-fight\/","title":{"rendered":"3 Ways to Recover from a Fight"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019re anything like I was, some fights come up in your relationship more often than a hit song plays on Top 40 radio.<\/p>\n<p>You don\u2019t want to have the same fight over and over, but it keeps happening.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re just talking about the leftovers from dinner and next thing you know, your mother&#8211;who isn\u2019t present&#8211;is involved, and you\u2019re both yelling things you would be embarrassed to repeat.<\/p>\n<p>You wonder why he has to yell and get so upset when the conversation was originally about Tupperware.<\/p>\n<p>It makes you question whether this relationship is even sustainable because it\u2019s so draining and painful to have these blow-ups. And so distracting from the things you were planning to do because you keep replaying the fight in your head and thinking of ways to let him have it.<\/p>\n<p>Happily, you don\u2019t have to stay stuck in wall-to-wall hostility or a week-long cold war.<\/p>\n<p>Here are 3 ways to recover quickly from a big fight.<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/3-ways-to-recover-from-a-fight\/#1_Look_at_His_Intentions\" title=\"Look at His Intentions\">Look at His Intentions<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/3-ways-to-recover-from-a-fight\/#2_Get_Out_the_Street_Sweeper\" title=\"Get Out the Street Sweeper\">Get Out the Street Sweeper<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/3-ways-to-recover-from-a-fight\/#3_Get_a_Relationship_Coach\" title=\"Get a Relationship Coach\">Get a Relationship Coach<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Look_at_His_Intentions\"><\/span>1. Look at His Intentions<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Wedding vows tend to be lofty. You promise never to hurt the other person, for example. But in my experience, it\u2019s just not possible.<\/p>\n<p>Perhaps the wedding vows should say, \u201cI\u2019ll never hurt you intentionally.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I think of the time my husband rolled over in bed and smacked my jaw with his elbow, for starters. Accidentally, of course.<\/p>\n<p>Because we\u2019re mere mortals who live together, we accidentally hurt each other emotionally sometimes too.<\/p>\n<p>That was so discouraging early in my marriage because it was happening a lot, so I thought that something was seriously wrong with our relationship. I felt a lot of shame that two well-educated people could descend into ugly name-calling so fast and so often.<\/p>\n<p>I assumed that if you really loved each other, you wouldn\u2019t have the terrible fights we had, so I figured I should probably not tell other people this was going on.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-808849604\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-17020\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Since then, I\u2019ve learned the Intimacy Skills that have made our home very peaceful (not to mention learning how valuable it is to tell other people what\u2019s going on so I don\u2019t feel like the only couple who has terrible fights). Now it\u2019s been well over a decade since we had a big fight.<\/p>\n<p>I also came to see&#8211;and this was key&#8211;that when my husband hurts me, it\u2019s never, ever intentional.<\/p>\n<p>It may seem like your husband is intentionally trying to hurt you when he swears at you and calls you the worst names he can think of. But what if he\u2019s not?<\/p>\n<p>What if he\u2019s just trying to shore up his own ego because he feels threatened? When people are hurt or scared, there\u2019s a good chance they\u2019ll lash out at you to make themselves feel better.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not saying it\u2019s right or okay. I\u2019m just saying it wasn\u2019t because he got up that morning planning to hurt you. <em>That was not his intention.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Whenever I think my husband is behaving badly, I know it\u2019s because hurt people hurt.<\/p>\n<p>That doesn\u2019t mean I have to like it when I think he\u2019s being a jerk. But reminding myself of his intentions does help me soften and remember that we\u2019re on the same team. Which helps with this next idea.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-1585187890\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Get_Out_the_Street_Sweeper\"><\/span>2. Get Out the Street Sweeper<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<blockquote><p><em>Full disclosure: This is my favorite way to recover from a fight quickly because I am a rebellious, contrary person who enjoys watching other people\u2019s heads explode.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>You might find it enjoyable also.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s an unfair advantage to do this after a fight, but it\u2019s not always easy. Rather, it\u2019s surprising. And using the element of surprise can be perversely pleasurable.<\/p>\n<p>After a fight, if I\u2019m willing to look I can usually find something I said or did that I regret&#8211;something that was not a reflection of me at my best.<\/p>\n<p>It could have been the part where I called my husband a loser-pants, for example.<\/p>\n<p>Regrettable.<\/p>\n<p>And if I am willing to apologize for saying that, it\u2019s like pouring fairy dust on the whole situation in terms of putting things right.<\/p>\n<p>The first few times you <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/stop-silent-treatment\/\">apologize for being disrespectful<\/a>, it will cause his eyes to pop out of his head. He\u2019ll look startled. You\u2019ll wonder if he\u2019s having a medical emergency.<\/p>\n<p>Now that such perversity is usual and customary at my house, I don\u2019t often get that reaction anymore, but you still can. It\u2019s fun.<\/p>\n<p>Today, when I apologize for my part he usually apologizes too or apologizes first. (My head probably exploded when that started happening also.)<\/p>\n<p>But either way, my side of the street is squeaky clean. So even if he were to continue to give me the stink eye after my apology, I would know I\u2019d taken the high road and that my side of that road was spotless, which nurtures the peace and intimacy around here.<\/p>\n<p>And I still get pleasure by feeling very, very smug about that.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Get_a_Relationship_Coach\"><\/span>3. Get a Relationship Coach<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>All human beings need <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/is-my-relationship-normal\/\">to be heard and understood<\/a>. If things are unresolved and there\u2019s a break in the action, it can be very tempting to reopen the \u201cdiscussion\u201d (read: fight) to scratch that itch.<\/p>\n<p>You could instead reach out to a friend or sister so you can feel heard without contributing to more conflict in your relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Then you get to express yourself without making your partner even more defensive, causing more distance between you, or saying things you\u2019d need to break out that street sweeper for again.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, there\u2019s a danger of making your partner look like the bad guy to your friend or sister, and people who love you want to protect you from bad guys. So the next time you talk to that friend or relative, she may be taking your side against him. Or telling you to leave that no-good jerk.<\/p>\n<p>She means well, but that\u2019s no way to help you get over the fight fast.<\/p>\n<p>The great thing about having a coach to help you recover from a fight instead is that she can listen and still stand for your greatness&#8211;and for the greatness of the man you chose. She\u2019s trained to do that.<\/p>\n<p>She knows that you want to be a happy wife and that you wouldn\u2019t be so committed if you didn\u2019t believe that it were possible.<\/p>\n<p>When the big fight is fresh on your mind, she\u2019s going to empathize, of course (she was in a relationship that was once falling apart too), but also stand for your vision and help you get to where you stop feeling frustrated, lonely and overwhelmed and start feeling special, desired and taken care of.<\/p>\n<p>Which of these will you try the next time you have a big fight? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019re anything like I was, some fights come up in your relationship more often than a hit song plays on Top 40 radio. You don\u2019t want to have the same fight over and over, but it keeps happening. You\u2019re just talking about the leftovers from dinner and next thing you know, your mother&#8211;who isn\u2019t\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/3-ways-to-recover-from-a-fight\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":14433,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[708],"tags":[415],"app":[],"class_list":["post-9315","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-how-to-recover-from-a-terrible-fight"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>3 Ways to Recover from a Fight with Your Husband<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"How to Inspire Apologies and Handholding - Do you keep having the same fights over and over? 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