As always, I found out just when I needed to. I heard a woman on TV being interviewed by Katie Couric. Her name was Laura Doyle, and she had written a book called The Surrendered Wife<\/em>. I sat up in bed, scribbled down the title, and listened intently as she described her marriage. I could not believe it sounded exactly like mine.<\/p>\n Who was this woman? What were these Intimacy Skills\u2122? Did I really want to \u201csurrender\u201d?<\/p>\n I purchased the book immediately. As I read it, I laughed, I cried, I related to every word.<\/p>\n Then I realized that surrendering was not at all what I had envisioned. I thought I\u2019d have to give up who I was to make my husband happy. Instead, the Intimacy Skills would help me become my best self, and surrendering was actually a beautiful gift I could give to this man I loved.<\/p>\n I also realized that I had been controlling and manipulative to get my way. I wasn\u2019t thrilled to learn that, but I was willing to do what it took to change it.<\/p>\n I started honoring my husband and his choices, even if I did not always agree with them. I made sure that I acknowledged him when he did something for me, no matter how small.<\/p> Expressing appreciation became my new favorite thing.<\/p>\n I learned how important respect was to my husband and why practicing it is vital to a healthy, happy relationship.<\/p>\n The better I got at the Skills, the better our marriage became. I saw results immediately through his love.<\/p>\n I started to understand our differences and embrace my husband in all his manliness. His quiet strength was part of what made me feel safe and taken care of. I came to admire him for being a take-charge guy who never compromised who he was because someone might not agree with him.<\/p>\n As I learned to be vulnerable with Jay, I got an unexpected result of surrendering: feeling very feminine!<\/p>\n I had a new softness about me that was attractive. Vulnerability was my new normal. Since I\u2019d spent my life as a self-professed tomboy, this was something new for me–and I loved it!<\/p>\n I also loved that our silliness was back and that I felt like a schoolgirl around him again.<\/p>\n I knew pretty quickly that this was the \u201cnew way\u201d I had been looking for.<\/p>\n After years of surrendering, along came our grandson in 2007. How could such a small bundle of joy throw a monkey wrench in my surrendering?<\/p>\n I quickly learned how life circumstances, whatever they may be, can change things and throw you off course.<\/p>\n I had gone into \u201cMom Mom\u201d mode and started taking over again<\/a>. It wasn\u2019t long before my husband made it very clear that I did not need to teach him how to be a grandfather!<\/p>\n He was right. How did I know how to be a grandfather? That was his job to figure out.<\/p>\n It was frustrating to realize that he still felt controlled. So back to The Surrendered Wife<\/em> to try to figure it out on my own.<\/p>\n At that time, there was no Laura Doyle coaching organization. Laura had simply written a book based on her own marriage and research, never expecting that it would become a New York Times bestseller or that thousands of women would reach out for her help.<\/p>\n Since I did not have a support group or a coach to lean on, it was hard to practice the Skills! I kept failing. For example, I\u2019d try to be \u201chelpful\u201d by putting the mortgage payment on the counter instead of reminding him that it was due or cleaning up his garage myself instead of telling him it was a hot mess. I couldn\u2019t understand why he kept retreating, leaving me feeling sad and lonely.<\/p>\n
\nI had<\/em> to know. I knew that I wanted the intimate, passionate, and peaceful relationship she was talking about, but I was a strong, independent woman.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png\")
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