Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach
From Know-It-All Wife to Happy Life
I married a great guy! He was smart, thoughtful, and generous, and he adored me. I was fiery, energetic, and adventurous–how could he resist?! Our whirlwind romance lasted nine months before wedding bells rang.
My idea of being a great wife was to take charge and to take care of everything. I let my husband know what to do, how to do it, and when he was wrong.
I remember a time, shortly after we married, when my husband surprised me with a touring bike and formal dining place settings. I was furious that he had spent so much money without “getting permission.” After all, I was the breadwinner at the time and I managed our finances. How could he be so frivolous? After scolding him, I kept the bike and returned the place settings to the store.
He was wrong and I was right, as usual.
As my husband began his military career and as children came along, there was so much more to control and to complain about. Frequent military moves, homeschooling our six kids, and my husband’s high-pressure job and recurrent travels added to the strain. I had no extended family around and I never asked friends for help. I was often alone, lonely, and overworked. I needed my husband!
Occasionally, I “politely” complained about his part in my misery, he would yell, we would fight, nothing would get resolved, and resentment would fester until the next blowup. What a mess!
As my children started leaving home and our time in the military came to a close, I became irritable and angry. I was losing everything that I knew how to control and I had no idea what to do or who I was. My purpose and identity were unraveling like a ball of yarn speeding across the floor.
I was miserable and, as usual, I blamed my husband. We began to fight on a regular basis. We tried counselors and retreats for failing marriages, but the fighting only intensified until, after twenty-nine years of marriage, my husband roared that he wanted a divorce. I didn’t want a divorce! I was terrified. That was my wake-up call.
Desperate, I read books and scoured the Internet, where I found Laura Doyle. My surrendering journey began with The Empowered Wife book and the Adored Wife Facebook Page. I was amazed at the immediate results!
I remember one afternoon, after reading The Empowered Wife, I expressed a desire to take a walk in the park. As we were strolling along, our kids started squabbling. Normally, I would have taken charge, scolded, and threatened, but this time I resolutely applied duct tape. To my surprise, my husband began correcting and managing the children! I had relinquished control and trusted my husband’s parenting for the first time EVER.
That night in bed, for the first time in years, my husband spooned up to me and held me close until we fell asleep. The Intimacy Skills worked and I felt empowered!
Unfortunately, I was deeply entrenched in the old habits of controlling, criticizing, and blowing up, so my success with the Skills was sporadic. I needed more support!
Because I handled our finances, I was stingy and denied myself private coaching and turned down an invitation to join Coach Training. Instead, I joined the Ridiculously Happy Wife program, through which I created a relatively peaceful homelife.
But I wanted more.
With a burning desire for a loving, connected marriage, I loosened my purse strings and followed some of my Ridiculously Happy Wife sisters into Coach Training. I had no idea that this in-depth, immersive training in the Skills would keep me accountable and be the path I needed!
One of my first breakthroughs was embracing the notion that fulfilling my needs and desires was not only essential to my happiness but vital to the success of all my relationships. But what were my needs? What were my desires? I hardly knew. I started journaling and asking myself “How do I feel? What do I want?” Before long, I gave up managing our finances, got help educating my children, and sought out activities that would make me ridiculously happy.
I was up for anything! I went out with friends for lunch, movies, and day trips; I started painting and found I had a hidden talent; I volunteered to do tax returns and loved it; and after twenty-seven years out of the workforce, I took a temporary job as an elections clerk. I had taken my happiness by the reins. I felt free and empowered!
The rebirth of my Goddess of Fun and Light had my mind racing and I began expressing my desires. After driving a minivan for twenty-five years, I expressed a desire for a convertible sports car. My husband shopped for months looking for the perfect vehicle until one day he took me to purchase my baby. I relinquished control and leisurely chatted with the salesperson while my brilliant and capable husband haggled with the manager.
My husband always treats me like a queen! I am wide open to graciously receive his wonderful gifts. My generous husband takes us on delightful trips, chauffeurs the kids, plans and makes meals, does the shopping, sends me funny text messages, and frequently takes me out to dinner, where we talk and laugh. I am so grateful to him for making my life easy and fun!
Through Coach Training, I learned how to create and maintain healthy, happy relationships by being truly present and empathetic to others, trusting them to know what fits best for them. I learned that my role is to have a listening ear and not a “problem-solving” mouth.
Recently, my daughter shared her frustrations about classmates. Instead of telling her what to do, I occasionally responded, “I hear you,” “ouch,” or “that sounds painful and hard.” Afterwards, she said, “Thank you for listening, I just needed to vent.” My heart swelled. I am a safe place for my daughter!
I am immensely grateful for the opportunity and the Skills to have remade myself into an empowered and surrendered woman. I am thrilled to have a loving, connected marriage and a peace-filled, happy family. I could not do this work without the love and support of this community.
Laura and I want to help you rediscover the intimacy, passion and peace in your marriage. Click here to apply for your FREE Discovery call.