Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach
We Were Told We’d Never Make It
As I lay shaken and very afraid in the emergency room, I worried most about my two children. They had already been hurt by my divorce from their father a few years earlier. And they loved their stepdad.
I was so frightened because he had lost it with me in an argument that escalated to violence–again. I had some minor injuries and was emotionally devastated. Professionals warned me that his “strong narcissistic tendencies” were likely permanent.
I was urged to end this marriage.
I felt alone and hopeless. Ironically, we were a “model couple” at church who held high leadership positions. I felt like a fraud behind closed doors. Fortunately because of my faith, I knew there was more to our story. “Faith over fear” prevailed.
As a seasoned marriage counselor, I seemed to know how to help other couples and families. I was so confused and resentful. Why couldn’t counselors help us? My husband fired each one.
What was I missing?
I used to tell my husband how to communicate with me and how to love me! I’d say, “but you must understand…!” He would reply with a blunt, hurtful “I don’t need to understand nothin’!”
And when I tried to express my feelings, he would say, “I don’t care!” That felt like a dagger to my heart every time.
At home I felt isolated. We slept primarily in separate bedrooms for years. I cringe to remember how my husband would retreat to the spare bedroom and lock the door. I would bang on the door and beg him to love me!
I was out of control. I was stuck in a nightmare and oh so disappointed and rejected.
It got so bad, we often threatened divorce. We even had divorce attorneys when I first read Laura Doyle’s book The Empowered Wife. Ironically, I was researching Laura’s work for an “ending divorce” book I was writing! As I read, I had a true and mighty change of heart. Her words touched me to my very soul. I felt a glimmer of hope as her work rang true and made sense.
I suddenly realized just how hurtful MY words could be to my husband. I thought I was just defending myself from him! I felt sorrow for how I lashed out in my anger and hurt. What an awakening!
I immediately texted an apology to him for being deeply disrespectful with my harsh words. I told him it was no longer okay for me to treat him that way. He rarely answered my texts, which were usually long, drawn-out complaints–yikes! But this time he immediately responded “Thank you sweetie!”
The ice began to melt.
He smiled at me that night and held my hand while we watched TV. I felt inspired to keep experimenting with what I’d read.
Around that same time, to feel better about myself I considered earning a doctorate in psychology. I thought I’d feel more empowered. BUT! I am deeply grateful that I instead felt called to become a Laura Doyle certified relationship coach.
In this amazing inspired process I began a life-changing and life-saving transformation. The guidance of my beloved master coaches, the priceless lasting relationships and support from my fellow trainees, coupled with a genius format of learning and applying the 6 Intimacy Skills™, worked. I was evolving into my best self, which I was thrilled to accept is my real self!
As I healed from the inside out, I felt more attractive and desirable to my husband. I felt safer–and so did he. He admitted he’d been terrified of me for a long time! No longer was I all over his paper trying to control his mood. I had worn myself out doing that and chased him away.
Instead I began to care for myself by staying on my paper. Self-care became intuitive. I learned to hear myself when I considered “How do I feel and what do I want?” And as I became a truly surrendered wife and empowered woman, the hidden Goddess of Fun and Light emerged.
As a result, my husband rejoined me in bed. Cuddling would put us both into a delightful sound sleep. Waking up together was a new high for us and set the tone for the whole day. We always start and end our day with prayer as a couple.
This was truly superior to how we were at the beginning of our marriage! A miracle!
My wants and needs transformed. I felt increasingly satisfied and secure. And out of it came some delightful unexpected surprises when I learned to receive graciously after expressing my desires in a pure way, without expectation. And I got help when I was truly vulnerable.
Before the Skills, my husband would say “NO!” to whatever I asked. Ouch! But I learned, for example, to say simply, “I really need to borrow your brain to figure this out” or “I really need some help.” Instead of a “Heck NO!” he’d show up as my hero and help.
Often, when I’d say “I’d love an egg salad sandwich for supper,” poof, an egg salad sandwich would appear! I learned to hear “No” respectfully. Gratitude became as natural as breathing.
My living room remained half painted for a year. I’d slip back to old ways of pleading, reminding, guilting. Nothing. After I finally relinquished control of his timeline, I came home from a recent trip to a painted living room. Yes!
The biggest surprise came after my begging for a boat. He is in the marina business, but we had no boat for twenty years. I understood we couldn’t afford it and all but simply said, “I’d love a boat for our twenty-fifth anniversary.” Duct tape. I later joked, “I’d love a boat for Valentine’s Day.” He grinned and I let it go.
Guess what–he bought my ideal boat! Super self-care and a romantic date option all in one!
This year, on our twenty-sixth anniversary we agreed to keep it simple and quiet. I felt fulfilled. It was perfect, but maybe it was better than that. Before church, while in his arms, I said, “Happy anniversary, sweetheart!”
He said the same and added, “And our marriage is the best ever because of YOU and all that you’ve been willing to learn.” My heart sang!
BEST ANNIVERSARY GIFT EVER. I was indeed ridiculously happy at last, with the blessed realization that the best was yet to come!
Laura and I want to help you rediscover the intimacy, passion and peace in your marriage. Click here to apply for your FREE Discovery Call.