Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach
Surrendering Isn’t Weak–It Made Me Stronger
As an independent woman, wife, ambitious corporate executive, and mom of two boys, I cringed at sharing my “surrendering story.” Especially with my strong women friends.
But it’s not what you think.
It’s not what I thought. Surrendering cracked the code and answered all my questions about why my marriage was failing and why I felt exhausted and unhappy. Surrendering didn’t make me weak; it made my relationship–and me–stronger.
Before surrendering, my husband and I didn’t even consider celebrating our tenth anniversary. We were in a lonely, distant place discussing separation. The more accomplishments I had at work, the more disappointments there were at home. I was consumed by my demanding career, being the best mom possible, and running the household.
While my husband is a hilarious guy, the laughter had vanished. We were never on the same page, so we stopped communicating. This seemed like a good solution since our “adult” conversations had become horrible arguments ending in personal attacks.
I felt unloved, insulted, unappreciated, and I was accused of running our lives like a business. I thought he was checked out when it came to finances, parenting, romance, responsibilities, and most “adulting.”
I felt lonely when he spent more time drinking than with me and fell asleep with the kids. There was so much hostility and what I thought was a disconnection from reality. I was convinced he was bipolar with anger issues. I told his family we had to do something. I could not accept being so mistreated.
Despite our turbulent marriage, we acted like the perfect family at social events. Faking happy gave me hope.
Then an adult conversation would happen, and we’d be at it again. I hated arguing in front of our sons and feared what we were teaching. I despised the bogus portrayal of a happy household; I wanted the real thing!
Marriage counseling was a bust.
She didn’t “think” we were ready for divorce “yet.” Meanwhile, almost every girlfriend I spoke to shared how unhappy she was in her marriage and concurred that women do everything. Confused, lonely and exhausted, I accepted that being miserable was the norm.
My girlfriend visited from out of town and witnessed an embarrassing fight. She had recently rekindled her own marriage and recommended the book now entitled The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. Her husband had moved back in after she started practicing “The Skills.” She was visiting as part of her “self-care” practice that improved her marriage.
She said, “Women have the power to create the vibe we want in our relationships.”
I liked that and the fact that she and her husband were happy again, so I listened to Laura’s book.
Enter the 6 Intimacy Skills™. I was shocked! I thought he was the problem! Things became crystal clear. I was trying to get him to do things my way. I was controlling and unknowingly disrespectful. I was stunned to learn that my criticisms shaped my life of exhaustion. I had no self-care.
Ever hear the phrase “As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I’m totally flexible?” That was me. I never received help. Why would I let my husband take care of me when I could take care of myself?
I had no clue that my strong, self-sufficient, boardroom-like tendencies were torpedoing my marriage.
I felt devastated when I realized what suffering I had caused in our marriage. I hired a coach immediately. I learned that not trusting my husband to run his own life was the source of his anger. He was not bipolar or in need of anger management skills. He wanted to be trusted! When I was on his paper, he would explode or ignore me.
Learning where I end and he begins has made life happier and simpler, and I’m not taking on the world.
I knew we had reached a new level of tenderness and acceptance when I ran my Jeep into the side of the garage on TWO separate occasions, and he didn’t get mad. He just helped me fix it.
An unknown author said, “Happiness is not out there–it is in you.” My coach helped me learn to find happiness within through self-care and seeing the good instead of only what was missing.
I recognized what an amazing dad my husband was, how he coached our sons in multiple sports, cleaned the snow off my car and was a great provider. I appreciated how he warmed my feet up at night and built beautiful furniture. I became grateful and thanked him often.
The tides started to turn.
I’ve learned I don’t need my husband to take care of me, but I love that he does. It’s been freeing to relinquish the responsibilities of his world, his schedule, work, cleanliness, timelines, health, drinking, attire, responses, and more. I get to relax at my favorite times of the year now that he does all the holiday and birthday shopping! He plans all our travel, and I just take it all in.
Since I cleaned up my side of the street, he’s quit drinking and opts for quality time with me and our sons and sleeps in our bed. We snuggle and laugh–a lot.
“Adulting” is peaceful and even playful, now that we have faith in one another’s decisions. Because of the emotional safety I created through learning to be vulnerable, he shares things he has never shared before like details from a bachelor party, work insights, and dreams of our future.
If you have ever played the game trust as a child where you put your arms out, fall back and have your partner catch you, that’s us. Now that I trust, he catches me.
We celebrated our eleven-year anniversary with a romantic getaway in Turks and Caicos at a swanky resort that marked a new beginning. We both enjoyed that he planned every moment.
A new world of safety and partnership I never thought possible has been unveiled thanks to Laura Doyle’s 6 Intimacy Skills. I feel loved, adored, and taken care of and a stronger woman with a strong relationship because of it.
Laura and I want to help you rediscover the intimacy, passion and peace in your marriage. Click here to apply for your FREE Discovery call.