Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach
My Favorite Superhero Is My Husband
I met my husband while I was still in high school.
He was so romantic. He opened the door for me and brought me flowers and gifts. He thought up fun and exciting dates. We went to dinner, hockey games, movies, and he would spoil me rotten. He treated me like a queen.
My favorite date was when he took me to the lake one night and we danced on the dock under the moonlight. This was the man of my dreams. He made me ridiculously happy.
I wanted to marry him and spend every minute with him for the rest of my life. Forever wasn’t long enough. No one had ever been in love like I was.
When we got married, I couldn’t have been happier. He started his own business, I was going to school, and we had so much fun together.
But with the birth of our first baby three years later, suddenly life got real.
As a full-time stay-at-home mom, I got lonely and resentful that he was working so much. Issues with our extended family also crept up, and we thought we had to help and fix life for others. I just wanted time out of the house and more help.
I took on way more than needed to try and fill myself up. I did all the books for his business, took care of everything around the house, raised our children, volunteered, did church callings, and worked as a realtor–all without a babysitter.
Taking on so many projects, I was demanding and pushy. I worried a lot about money and meeting all the commitments we had taken on.
I thought I needed to be superwoman to be a good wife and mother.
I wanted to be closer to my husband, but I just didn’t know how to make that happen. He worked a lot, and I thought, “This is just how it is and how it’s going to be.” Essentially, we had a great marriage–or so I thought.
One day in 2015, when I was pregnant with our fifth baby, my life came crumbling down around me.
He told me things I never could have imagined. He wasn’t happy and hadn’t been for a while. He said he worked so hard to please me and I was never happy. He didn’t know who he was, but he wasn’t happy in this life with me.
I was crushed. I thought our marriage was over and it was too late for us. It was the lowest part of my life. I was so hurt and heartbroken. Depressed and sad, I cried all the time. I didn’t know what to do.
We talked about divorce, but if we went through with it, we would be changing the lives of five innocent people, along with the life we had both worked so hard to create.
When the fifth baby came, my husband was distant, which hurt so much. I thought he would leave now. I felt so alone, hiding what was happening from everyone and pretending like everything was fine.
I pleaded with God to save our marriage.
Not knowing what else to do, I turned to self-help books on marriage. While browsing my Kindle recommendations, The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle caught my attention. I thought, “Why not?”
Laura described how men needed respect and appreciation. I felt like I had those things covered, until I read her examples of how husbands actually feel respect and appreciation.
I now felt even more devastated. No wonder this man didn’t like me–I had no clue that my behavior had been starving our relationship of any connection. I had been working so hard to have a good marriage, but all I was doing was driving him away.
I didn’t know what respect looked like. I didn’t listen to my husband, who had actually been trying to please me. I realized that I was controlling and self-righteous.
So I started working on the only person I had control over: myself.
Laura’s book taught me six simple skills that made so much sense but were oh so hard to put into action!
I continued to read her books and blog. I was dying of thirst, and every word was like water for me. Her direction was the only thing that gave me hope.
I decided to sign up for a free Discovery Call. I talked to a woman who had been in a similar situation. For the first time, I got to tell someone what was really going on. She felt my pain and offered me hope, but I still thought that our marriage was too far gone.
Still, I signed up to work with a private coach. She gave me so much help, encouragement, and support. She didn’t judge me or my husband. I felt less alone.
Each day, I would do my three self-care items and list three gratitudes for my husband. These exercises forced me to see the good, even through the intense pain.
I started to keep a list of wins. My first was when he came across the couch and asked my thoughts about his truck. For the first time, I really listened to him and what he was excited about. It seemed like such a small thing but something I hadn’t done for years. To really listen was the first of many, many wins.
The process took time. But I kept receiving coaching for a year, and my wins started multiplying: from acts as simple as him getting me a glass of water to taking me on a fun-filled day of zip lining to sending me a song that described us and our life together.
The romantic man I’d married was coming back.
But the thing I liked the most was the woman I was starting to become. I was taking responsibility for my happiness. I was finding joy as so many fun things came into my life with my new practice of self-care.
He started to like the woman that I was becoming too. He invited me on a weekend trip, and it felt like we had gone back to the time when we were dating. When I met him at the airport, he kissed me like in the good old days!
Things have gotten better and better since then.
I am happy in my marriage. My husband is honored and respected in our home. He is making his own choices about what’s best for him, and I am learning what’s best for me. I’m also learning to receive what he offers, which is so much more now that I notice all he does for me.
For example, he recently carried me into the house after my surgery. I felt so loved and cherished as I received him being my hero in front of our kids.
He also gives so much of his time and effort, as he is deeply involved with our kids and family. He is successfully running a large company without my help. He comes home from work early just to be with me, and we go out on the new boat he bought for us.
We aren’t perfect, but we are learning a better way to live. I choose faith and am continuing to become my better self. Trust is coming back for both of us, our emotional connection getting deeper and stronger.
In a world where so many people choose to get divorced, move on and start over, we have saved a marriage.
Our life together is now him being my superhero and me graciously receiving his super powers as a strong, capable, loving husband and father. He is still the man of my dreams–and my hero.
Laura and I want to help you rediscover the intimacy, passion and peace in your marriage. Click here to apply for your FREE Discovery call.