How to Talk About Sex
If the sex in your relationship isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, you’re not alone.
Women tell me there hasn’t been any physical intimacy since the baby was born–and he’s four.
Or that her husband is always after her for sex, but she just feels used.
Or that she’s tired of feeling so rushed and pressured in the bedroom. She’ll say her husband’s idea of foreplay is to say “Brace yourself.”
Of course these women are frustrated, to say the least. And they’re wondering how things are ever going to improve with so much resentment and hurt standing in the way.
Life is too short to suck it up and suffer through an unsatisfying sex life, but what’s the alternative? How do you talk about it?
After all, talking about sex can feel awkward, and talking during sex can kill the moment.
Here are 3 ways to talk about sex, get what you want and still keep things steamy.
Contents
1. Whisper This at Dinner
As you already know, the advice you’ve read absolutely everywhere about how you should “set a time to talk about your issues in the bedroom–maybe several conversations” doesn’t work.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve tried that repeatedly, but it didn’t solve the problem.
If it did, we wouldn’t be talking about this right now. We’d be on to creating world peace and ending hunger.
What will help you get the sex life you want is digging deep to find your own desires in the bedroom then expressing them in the positive rather than as complaints.
There’s no need to say “We need to talk.”
You’re just going to look for a moment when it’s only the two of you at dinner or in the car or watching TV when the kids are asleep.
Then you’ll whisper that desire in his ear.
You’ll say, “I love it when you [fill in the blank]. I would love even more of that.”
Or maybe, “I love it when you’re romantic and draw the bath with rose petals and pour the champagne. I love feeling wooed like that.”
Or it could be, “My fantasy is that we run into each other at a bar and start making out and then…”
Why whisper those words, you ask?
Because what you’re saying is so intimate. It’s private and vulnerable. It’s a special conversation that only lovers have.
You might be surprised at how well he pays attention.
2. Make It Safe for Sex
You might be thinking, “Whispering desires is great for some people, but it won’t work for me because we have bigger problems than just not having fireworks in the bedroom.”
I get it. I remember when there wasn’t any sex happening around here and how desperately I wanted to have it again–or any form of intimacy for that matter. I didn’t want to suffer any further rejection, so whispering something sexy in his ear seemed super scary.
If #1 above feels like too much of a leap, consider focusing on the emotional safety outside of the bedroom first.
The way to create emotional safety is to demonstrate that you won’t criticize, complain, correct, demean or demand.
Impossible, you say? That’s what I thought too. After all, sometimes my husband makes mistakes, and I’m a mere mortal woman. How would I refrain from pointing them out?
I used to let him know about those mistakes again and again, but I’m happy to say I’ve cut way back on that overrated indulgence. I don’t miss the loss of connection and wall-to-wall hostility that used to cause or the emotional hangover I felt afterward. At all.
I’ve upped the respect, and I keep my criticisms to myself when they cross my mind, which they do at times.
In the beginning, I felt like a mute because so much of what I’d been in the habit of saying was critical, complaining, correcting, demeaning or demanding.
But being quiet was a learning experience. It gave me time to think about myself and the kind of woman I wanted to be, not to mention what I wanted in bed, instead of being distracted by what I saw as his shortcomings.
And it gave him the space to say things out loud that he wouldn’t have before, like what he wanted to do to fix up the house and the backyard or his enthusiasm for going to Mars.
When he shared his ideas and I didn’t point out what was wrong with them, eventually he realized he was safe.
And it turns out safety is sexy.
The restored safety between us helped me find my courage to start whispering in his ear.
3. Give Authentic Feedback
When it comes to being aroused, men are microwaves and women are slow cookers.
If you’re engaging in physical intimacy that’s not satisfying because it’s too rushed, you might feel mad or hurt that he would be so pushy.
But what if he just doesn’t realize you’re a slow cooker? He might think you’re all ready to go instantaneously too.
It took me a while to realize that I was responsible for my own happiness, even in bed. I wanted my husband to be the one to do the right things at the right time to make me feel good.
I wasn’t so good at honoring myself in that moment. Sometimes I would go along to get along instead of slowing things down. I didn’t realize that I was teaching him how to treat me but it wasn’t the treatment I wanted.
How could he know unless I gave him authentic feedback? I made the mistake of making sounds indicating I was having a good time when I wasn’t really.
I was sending the wrong message until I learned to be authentic.
“Authentic” doesn’t mean negative. Criticism has a very chilling effect on intimacy, which is never truer than in the bedroom. Complaining just doesn’t make us hot.
But conveying what I love (not what I don’t) is authentic.
Making sounds that let him know I’m enjoying what I’m doing is authentic, and so is stopping when I’m not.
Sending a signal with my body language, smile and what I’m wearing (or not wearing) is all authentic communication.
For me, it helped to stop focusing on talking about sex and start thinking about honoring myself while we were together, even when it was scary.
Turns out nothing could be steamier.
Which tip could reignite your sex life? I’d love to hear in the comments below.
20 replies on “How to Talk About Sex”
I have spent the last three decades giving my husband amazing sex, often three times per week, and sometimes more frequently. But now that my hormones are not on my side, the pleasure has been fading. I’d give anything to have my husband exert himself sexually for my pleasure as I have for him.
Li, after all you’ve done for him, not seeing him reciprocate sounds really sad. And lonely. Especially being so committed to sexual intimacy, having your pleasure fade is hard.
I remember how lonely and rejecting it felt when my husband wasn’t reciprocating my efforts, including in the bedroom. The 6 Intimacy Skills turned this around completely.
You deserve to be cherished and adored and taken care of in the bedroom! Here are the Skills so you can turn this around too.
How do I manage this… my husband told me, he loves me, but no longer finds me attractive, and hasn’t enjoyed sex with me for a long time. I am not experienced, I didn’t have many partners before him. We have been married 15 years. Does he think I should be a pornstar?
He had a physical affair in December 2021. I was a complete mess… this came to light a few months after discovery.
However we have engaged in sexual intimacy, how do I know he is enjoying it?!? As I thought he did in the past!!
I know my short comings of rejecting him, not initiating .. all the cold wars and disrespect, complaining.. I did it all!! But he is still with me.
Lora, that must have hurt so much! You shouldn’t have to hear words like that from your man or go through infidelity in the first place! Not to mention being made to feel like you should be a porn star. That’s not right. I still remember thinking my marriage was hopeless and being scared to try, which is why my coaches and I have helped so many women fix their relationships, even after he said he wasn’t attracted anymore. We can help you too! Get a coach so you too can start feeling desired, taken care of and special. Join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here: https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/
Hi Laura, started reading your books last November. They’ve been helpful except for the sex. We haven’t had sex since July of 2021. He says he doesn’t feel the way about me that a husband should. He said hurtful things about our sex life the last time we were intimate. I feel that I must be repulsive to him and he obviously isn’t attracted to me. I feel that I should be physically affectionate and be the bigger person who gets the ball rolling again, but I am so afraid of rejection and more mean comments about how I am during sex. BTW, I have tried telling him what I want in bed (mainly for him to slow down) and he gets very angry that I am ruining “his passion”. He used to care if I was satisfied, but not anymore! I tried in 2021 having sex with him as much as he could stand and he was turned off because “it wasn’t me”. I have never said “no” to this man and that isn’t good for him, either. He says l don’t act like I’m “into it”. I no longer know how I should act. He sleeps in my daughter’s old room and watches porn. I discovered he has a silicone sleeve and lubricant up there to make it better for him. I feel like I am the ugliest, most undesirable woman in the world. I have tried to give him emotional safety since I read your books, and it has helped somewhat, but it’s just this sex issue. He says he doesn’t want a divorce and that he hasn’t given up on “us”, but I feel so awful about my marriage every day. I have thought about your counselors but it is quite expensive and he is very concerned about money lately.
Jill, going without sex for years now sounds so painful and lonely. You shouldn’t have to hear such hurtful things from your own husband. It’s so sad to feel ugly and repulsive to him. Especially after all you’ve been through, you being the one to have to get things moving does sound scary.
You are not alone! So many women come here from sexless marriages–and transform this completely.
It sounds like something is going missing. I hear you saying that you want coaching. But he’s concerned about money. Whose paper is that on?
How would it fit to honor your desire by joining The Ridiculously Happy Wife waitlist to get the details so you can decide how to move forward?
I have totally ruined it . We had just become intimate again after a long break and it seemed like back to kind of normal and I stupidly read couples advice online that you should ask and schedule the sex you want. I announced this to him and he looked at me like I had stabbed him and refused to speak and now it’s a silent awkward chasm
He now barely cuddles me . Everything else seems so much better since I followed the skills .. except this .. Feels impossible to fix
I’m not sure which one of these will solve my marriage problems. What do you do if they are just not very good at it. I’ve tried the whole make noises when it’s good, don’t when it’s not. I’ve told him when he has been really good and that works for a couple of times afterwards but then it’s like he forgets everything. I find myself having to make a conscious decision to just push through and hope that the switch comes on but it just doesn’t and all I can think about is how much I don’t want it to continue. It can be cringeworthy at times and I’m now at the point now where I’m just not interested at being intimate at all!
Thank you soooo much Laura for those tips!! It will be very helpful. Keep on with the good work!!
I love your comments Laura, and I want to embrace them, but I feel trapped by the knowledge that my husband doesn’t love me anymore and that, at least for now, he could care less about even considering being open to falling for me again. He’s not mean about it. He just honestly has chosen to go numb and not care anymore. So my problem is, when he wants sex, all I can hear in my head is that he is just “feeling human” as he puts it. I just feel like I’m a used dish rag and honestly it hurts to much. I’ve let myself get into that situation a few times and now I’ve totally shut down because it takes me days to get over feeling like trash. What is your advice?
Do old couples have sex? We’ve been married over 35 years and because of my reaction, the years after our kids were born, he thinks I don’t like it. Like a previous comment, I tried talking him through, getting books, etc… I gave up since he never seemed to get the fact that I wasn’t as ready as soon as he was and it was never, never satisfying for me and hurt! I started making the right noises so he would hurry up! Ok, I even would ask him to “finish me”… oh gosh, if it took longer than 3 minutes he would start complaining. I started going into the bathroom and finishing. Then I thought, why??… he needs to know, so got brave enough to do that right there in bed. Of course I thought that would give him some indication that I wasn’t satisfied. You’re right it is so hard to talk about this. He got mad at one book I left on his pillow. I thought it said exactly how I was feeling. (I don’t remember the name). A few years back we tried having sex every night, but never once did he make sure I was satisfied, and then one night I had to say I wasn’t ready enough and it hurt. So that stopped that. We’ve only had sex once in the last 2 years (so, that’s why I ask do old people still ‘do it’?)
I’m 44 and he’s 47. We’ve haven’t had sex in almost 2 years. He says he has no desire nor will he do anything to fix it. It’s killed my self esteem. I feel like I disgust him. Other than sex, the relationship is perfect. I couldn’t ask for a better man.
Laura, you’re so wise and I love your writing style! Keep up the good work. Eradicate divorce
What things are you ladies asking for in bed? Maybe I’m damaged from sexual abuse from my mother and that’s why I don’t know what to ask for? I just like intercourse.
I just want to do it and relax. Period. It seems all this whispering, etc., is so complicated. Help me understand why I am not so romantically inclined.
What if you’ve told him time after time what you’d like — romantic words, loving words of affection. I’ve even given him exactly what I want. I modeled it for him and said, “See, if you had said those kinds of things to me, I would have been putty in your hands by now. I would have probably climaxed twice already!” He just ignores it. Nothing changes. We’ve even been through counseling. I’ve gotten him books and shown him steps to learning intimacy through words of love. Nothing changes. I cannot get him to give them to me and I am STARVED for it. He keeps trying the physical touch stuff, thinking I will respond, but I cannot. I need him to tell me I mean something to him. Got any advice?
I LOVE these tips! I’ve recently had a baby and it’s “time” to get back to love making! But before the baby, when every thing was normal, my husband and I had fallen into an all too familiar rhythm. I wanted to address it, but I didn’t want to hurt him or make him feel as if I couldn’t be satisfied. These are the keys I’ve been needing…Thanks, Laura! I’ll be whispering my desires very soon.
Oh my goodness Laura you’ve done it again. Brilliant. You had me cracking up but you gave me some good ideas too. Love your work, and my marriage is quietly improving thanks to you. Love you!
I don’t think anything could fix my sex life. I tried saying what I wanted and liked and all he heard was how everything he did was wrong. Now I just don’t bother.
Dear Maggie, I hear you. How discouraging it is to make the effort and have it interpreted completely opposite as intended. I feel the hurt and frustration, and your resolve to just give up, as I have been there. I would invite you to reread and focus on Laura’s 2nd point. From my experience, as I practiced being quiet and listening, making it a safe place for his ideas, his dreams and his mistakes, the atmosphere of our home was transformed. I also learned that being “helpful” was being interpreted as being critical, which was NOT helpful at all. (I know because I asked him!) I would like to encourage you to press on from a different angle. Leave sex out of the focus for the moment and strive to create emotional safety. Hopefully you will see that with an atmosphere of emotional safety, the rest will fall into place. Start by just trying one of Laura’s ideas and see what happens, you might be surprised! Don’t give up, you can do it, it is worth it, and it is good on the other side!
Whether u think u can or think u can’t – u’re right!!!! Things CAN always change, CAN always get better – that what hope is!!!! That’s what keeps us alive & not giving up on life! But hope without action won’t do a whole lot – so DECIDE today things r going to get better by learning WHAT to do! Thru this web site, by having authentic conversations with GFs, by studying the Law of Attraction – which teaches u to love urself enough to know what u want & what u don’t want & do what u need to to get it!!!