The Six Intimacy Skills™
At my Cherished for Life Weekend, Gigi told me she wanted to have intimacy in her marriage, but didn’t really know what it looked like.
“I’ve been married for over 20 years,” she confessed, “and I feel like I just don’t even know what intimacy is.”
I know what she means; I was similarly baffled in the early days of my marriage. Was intimacy just physical–just another way to say “sex”? What did emotional intimacy look like? I wasn’t sure.
Whatever it was, I knew I wanted to have it.
And although I knew I had experienced it at times, I really had no idea why that happened, or how to create more of it.
I had no concept of the Six Intimacy Skills, or that there was anything I could do to nurture intimacy. I didn’t realize I was unwittingly crushing the emotional and physical connection in my marriage.
I thought intimacy and tenderness was something that just happened if you picked the right guy.
I believed that it looked something like those vacation brochures where the handsome guy throws the beautiful woman up in the air in the pool.
I also had a deep, dark fear that intimacy was reserved only for those who are lovable.
I wasn’t sure I was lovable, and I was deathly afraid to find out. I was scared that I was too damaged, too needy, too strong-willed and not pretty enough.
Even after I was married, I worried I would always feel the gnawing misery of loneliness, and that there would be nothing I could do about it because it wasn’t in my control.
I believed that some lucky people experience intimacy, and that the unlucky ones don’t.
Of course, I knew that if I wanted to be a good volleyball player, or be able to make a mean risotto or deliver moving talks from the stage, I just needed to learn how, and practice.
But intimacy–that was different. It was more mysterious, I thought.
I had no idea it was a matter of expertise, like everything else, and that there were Six Intimacy Skills that would not only help me feel lovable and loved every single day, but would also make me more attractive.
The Six Intimacy Skills are not theoretical. They are proven, time and again, with many thousands of women in 17 languages in 28 countries. And now that I know them, I can’t shut up about them!
I want every woman to know the simple, practical things she can do to create the gratifying, exhilarating, addicting experience of being loved every day, just for being herself.
If that’s something you want too, let’s get you started with The Six Intimacy Skills. Here’s how:
1. Skill #1: Make yourself happy by doing three things a day that bring you enjoyment.
One thing I love about practicing The Intimacy Skills is that they involve doing fun things that you want to do anyway, but maybe don’t let yourself. Like this first one–which is making sure you get your daily dose of pleasure and delight–three times a day, in fact.
You’re gonna wanna do this as a practice.
The way you get to have a relationship where your guy is seeking out your company, tripping over himself to make sure he gets you your favorite kind of pasta–and then pulling you toward him for a kiss while you’re stirring that pasta–is to make yourself have fun.
No matter how busy you are and how much responsibility you have, doing three fun things a day is the indispensable first step to passion and playfulness. I just don’t know a way around it.
Everything that’s worthwhile in life takes some energy, naturally, and you won’t have the energy to make your relationship great if you don’t fill yourself up first. Therefore, fun just shot up to the top of your to-do list–with a red circle around it.
What do I mean by “fun”?
It could mean you gab with your friend.
It might be hugging a tree or reading a blog. It could be listening to funny podcasts, or snuggling with your pet, or riding your bike.
It could be crafting, rollerblading, window shopping, planting or picking flowers, or watching your favorite show.
You might choose listening to music you love, journaling, solitude or jumping on the bed. You could play games on your phone.
How will you know if you’re doing this right?
There’s just one way to know if you did this skill correctly, and that is…
You’ll feel happy.
If you aren’t happy yet, maybe you just haven’t done enough “frivolous” stuff for your own self-care–the more frivolous, the better, in my experience.
I’m not talking about 5 fruits and veggies a day, and 30 minutes of cardio, and 8 hours of sleep. Unless those make you so happy you can’t wipe the silly grin off your face.
This will make you as attractive as a supermodel
All of the skills work together to create the magic of connection, but this one skill alone made me a lot more attractive than I had been before.
That’s because prior to learning the skills, I was in the habit of using misery to get the attention and acknowledgment I craved.
So my previous approach was to complain and seek sympathy: “You wouldn’t believe what I had to do, what happened to me, how much work I had, how little sleep I got, what someone else did to me!”
As you already know, that just didn’t make me irresistible. At all.
But with practicing this skill, with being diligent about tickling my own spirit, and making sure I’m feeling James Brown-level good—well, I might as well be a supermodel now, judging by the way my husband responds to me.
It’s not just me–this is what I’ve seen with women of every kind all over the world for over 17 years:
We’re hottest when we’re happy, smiling, laughing, singing and dancing.
But what if you really just do not have time?
That’s where Intimacy Skill #2 is going to rock your world. It’s going to give you more time, more dignity and more peace.
The problem is, this blog is already pretty long, and there are still five more Intimacy Skills.
Plus, I have another agenda, truth be told.
Here’s my agenda: I want to give you more than I can give you in just a blog: More secrets, more inspiration, more insight on how this applies to your life.
I also want to show you:
- Three key secrets for empowering him to act like a man and take initiative.
- How to operate out of your feminine gifts in order to ignite his “hero gene” to make you happy.
- Three critical ways to express your desires and make your relationship peaceful and easy again.
- A few key steps you can take immediately to feel more confident and more desired (he won’t be able to keep his hands off you!).
- How to stop feeling like his mother, and feel like his lover forever.
I know you’ll be more successful in your relationship if I can give you the juicy details with slides and exercises so you can practice what you’re learning, so I put together a FREE Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills so we can do just that:
It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life: A Proven Framework for Revitalizing Intimacy.
You can register by clicking on the course title above.
I’m just ridiculously passionate about making sure every woman who wants to have a playful, passionate relationship gets the inside scoop.
If you’re one of those women, I’ll see you at the Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills.
Thanks for your commitment to having a great relationship. The world really needs that.
85 replies on “The Six Intimacy Skills™”
Love this my husband after 30 years started drinking I started working again and it caused even more stress I forgot how positve silly happy and fun I am.
If you don’t use it you loose it and I have..
I need to get it back…..
I’ve read your book. I’ve been implementing them. My husband finally said he loves me again but in a way it doesn’t really feel like it. I threw my rings at him around thanksgiving because he said he wanted a divorce and didn’t love me. He still has my rings and I asked if I could have them back he said no cause he doesn’t want to give me the opportunity to throw them back at him. I asked again today and he said not to ask again for them. He said I will never get them back. To me, that is saying he really doesn’t love me even tho they are rings. I know it’s going to take time to fix, but at times I feel as tho I’m wasting my time.
Christina, first of all, congratulations on saving your marriage! I know it’s not all that you want it to be yet, but it will be in time and it’s huge that you didn’t get divorced. I get that it’s painful at the moment though, and I still remember what that’s like. Sounds like you could use some support, and I would love to see you get some. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to help you figure out what the best next move for your relationship might be. You can do that here:
My husband of forty years asked for a divorce…he’s been texting with a co worker for two years now…he had her birthday on his phone calendar..and had mine with ??? After it….. We’ve been separated for 4 months now….he’s not hurrying with divorce proceedings….I think it’s the settlement offer….but you know I don’t want him if he just wants to stay because of money….he has never admitted he has cheated ..this makes 4 times I know of…I can’t move forward….I am at a loss….
Kerry, Sorry to hear about the heartbreak in your marriage! Sounds very painful. You certainly deserve a husband who is capable of being faithful to you. I think your 40-year marriage deserves a longer conversation, so I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call here:
I’ve been married for 32 years and my husband has traveled for the past 30 years. I’ve raised 4 children ages 29, 26, 18, and 14. I feel that my husband is so involved in his work that he never listens to me fully…I have to repeat myself constantly and when I want to talk about something emotional, he doesn’t respond.
Donna, it’s very frustrating to feel that your husband doesn’t listen to you. I remember what that was like. This is completely solvable though. I’d love to see you get some support. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call, to figure out the best move for your relationship, which you can do here:
Lots of great stuff on your site! Love the part about finding pleasure for yourself. Also, the bit about not talking so much and saying what you want in a succinct way.
A big question in all this: How do you handle it (or recommend handling it) if a man is triggered (might be totally his stuff) but yet he blames you and really, you weren’t doing anything to bring this on. Really weren’t. With those kinds of situations, that can get serious actually, (and often do need some type of processing but definitely not endless talking and/ or criticizing), how do you go about this? For sometimes, things like anger or frustration (and triggers for that) are not the partner’s fault (not the woman’s issue in this case), in this case let’s say it truly i the man’s stuff—yet, he he’s projecting it onto the partner in an unfair and really a destructive way toward—his mate. What then? Obviously needs addressed and probably not with humor. So, best way to approach these situations that need some type of discussion in all seriousness.
Susan, I’m glad you’re finding the site helpful. The situation you described is so very common but also can be really painful and lead to fights and cold wars. I find that one simple word diffuses it though. The word is, “Ouch!” and nothing more. I give details about this and The 6 Intimacy Skills in the book The Empowered Wife, which you can read a free chapter of here:
Thanks for comment. Ordered your book.
Ouch is good suggestion—if it would work—no idea.
I do think there is issue where man can be controlling
more than woman and then it’s a bit different. I see where
you are coming from completely though. And how a woman responds to that
type of behavior does make a huge difference. Also, does depend on
particular dynamics of a given relationship. I am a therapist myself
and I have said many times that my own profession has failed me in
the couples arena.
Look forward to reading your book!
Susan, It really is annoying when someone else is trying to control you, I totally get that. I admire your willingness to read my book and appreciate hearing your experience. You’ll find valuable tools for teaching your man how to treat you in the book. I look forward to hearing about your wins in the couples arena!
My husband read your material and said it would help him feel more intimate with me. My husband and I have been married for 22 years, but my husband is a sex addict. He has had 5 emotional affairs, one physical affair and is addicted to porn. My husband says if I just do these things, he will feel loved. I am angry right now because I have tried things like this in the past, because he has complained about me. I think it helped justify what he was doing. He has told me countless times that “if I just did this”, “if I just did that” he would be different, but I think that is how he justifies his actions. When I mentioned this to him, his reply is that I’ve never done all six at the same time and that could change, and no wonder why the other ladies got his attention because they made him feel good. I also wrote notes to him during these time when I did not realize he was having a physical affair and some emotional affairs and told him I believed in him, thank you for providing for our family, I told him he was handsome, how much I respected him, I was sexually available to him and pursued him, etc., but according to him I didn’t say it or do it in the same manner as these other ladies did or the women on the porn sites. I have been traumatized over all the betrayal. Please help!!!! My husband has intimacy issues from childhood wounds and attachment issues. Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. I need healing from all the betrayal and now my husband says “if you just do these things” i know I can change. I don’t feel safe right now. My husband is trying to work on his recovery, but has been angry lately, so he may be on the verge of a relapse not sure. He is almost close to being 90 days sober, which he has never gone that long, but he is acting more like a “dry drunk” because he has been angry. We have been separated for six months because I found out that he was back in contact with his affair partner while he was in recovery. Please help! My husband thinks if I do these things it will benefit me and make me feel more loved too. My husband has lied throughout our marriage, is angry a lot and wounded from his past. Sex addiction is terrible and it affects the entire family and is devastating. I believe my husband needs to get help for the wounds from his past, otherwise he will continue to battle with this horrible addiction. What are your comments regarding men struggling with sexual addiction and your recommendations?
Donna, Sorry to hear about all the betrayal and hurt in your marriage. I can see why you’re feeling so down about it.
I notice that your blog comment is very focused on your husband, and I know for me when I was so focused on what my husband was doing and not doing it never helped me feel happier. It wasn’t until I started focusing on myself–my happiness, my attitude, my choice of words, what I wanted and how I felt—that things improved. And they improved one heck of a lot when I did that. You might consider reading The Empowered Wife, which will give you specific instructions for making yourself happy and give you clarity about your marriage as well. You can read a free chapter here:
I have a question about Donna’s situation above. I see exactly what you mean about
the importance on focusing on herself, all of us women, on ourselves. Focusing on the men
in our life in terms of trying to change them never does work well, as you point out so clearly.
You do mention deal breakers in your book and it seems that there are issues Donna points to that could fall into that category (I know it is her decision, obviously). When a man says, if you do all these things for me, just as I want and THEN I can/will be as you desire, that appears very narcissistic, manipulative, and blaming. What is Donna to do with that from your perspective? Or what are healthy options? It seems she has done many of the intimacy skills and they aren’t enough for him.
The critical one that is being neglected is the one you point out—taking care of herself and finding her own pleasures every day. Which would mean letting go of the non-controlling or controlling behaviors she has tried so many times before with him. Just let go. And realize that she can’t resolve his issues for him. When do you say right up front…it’s critical to psychologically protect yourself at this point? I think it bothers me too that her husband has read your book (I’d say, keep the book away from men in our lives, too—maybe that could go into the title) and he seems to be perhaps using it against her best interests.
I agree with the focus needing to be on herself (and not him, though.) It has already been too much on him. Been there, done that to a great degree as many of us have. During this time of separation, I agree, it is great time to totally focus on herself—your first step in your book. I just wondered why you were not more straightforward as you discuss in the book, very wisely, the kind of men that often will not be ones that are enough for any given woman. Just wondered as I read your answer.
Still reading your book:)
Susan, Trying to save my marriage has been the best self-improvement program I’ve ever undertaken. I gained dignity, confidence, calmness, I learned how to honor myself and my feelings, healed from being a rageaholism and gained intimacy in all my relationships, including with my husband. I know I couldn’t have gotten there by focusing on what my husband as doing, tempting as it was. Until I cleaned up my side of the street, I thought he was the problem. I was convinced of it. So whenever I hear a woman starting all her sentences with “He” instead of “I”, I have no idea what will shake out as she begins to practice all of the Intimacy Skills. It’s too soon to tell what her husband is like, but I know from experience there’s plenty Donna can do to improve her situation.
Thanks for your response—I understand what you are saying and the staying on your own page, finding your own pleasure, the boundary issues stuff is the most powerful thing I think you focus on. I did note (with relief) your comments on guys who have addiction issues, who can’t be faithful (or show a lack of desire for that), and guys who are physically abusive. That in those cases you support a woman protecting herself first and foremost. Guess that was what concerned me. I think it’s easy for us to do two things—one is to do things that we need to stop (nagging, mothering, raging, etc.) and also though, we need to be careful not to take on blame that really isn’t on our page. It’s easy for women to do both these things—some one more than the other or a mix of both. I do agree 100% that as women we need to tend to ourselves first in positive ways. And be clear on what our deal breakers are and not back down from those. I thought you outlined that very clearly in your book. Even as a therapist I would urge any woman to read your book. I have sent copies to some of my colleagues who are therapists. I also think couples therapy is thankfully changing, thanks to people like Terry Real and Esther Perel.
Susan, I’m impressed by your generosity as a therapist to recommend my book, and to other therapists! Thank you! I’m so grateful. I’m glad to hear things are changing. It’s hard to see it from here, with all the terrible stories I hear from women who have just come from couples counseling. I know therapists are good people who want to help. I will check out Terry Real and Esther Perel.
Thanks—I do agree that most therapists, including couples therapists are not doing right
by couples. The exception are the two experts I mentioned above. They offer different perspectives, for sure, but both have much to offer and are training therapists, often as a team in workshops. Perel calls it like it is and is changing the course of conversation in couples therapy a lot (she is controversial to some, but she is bringing new perspectives and has criticism of traditional “couples therapy” herself.
Alas, only the two of them:) You are your own pioneer, taking yet another route that is
obviously effective! Very true that if one partner changes, the other will usually too. That is easy to say, knowing how to do it is another story. Your guidelines with 6 Intimacy Skills and your book in general give specifics especially for women that can be implemented right away often with very positive results. Thanks!
Thank you, Susan!
Desperate to move our marriage forward my wife searched for years to an approach outside of counseling because she believed in your points that marriage counselors typically haven’t had our experiences.
I was so excited to hear that she found a glimmer of light and then…
After reading your first chapters all hope was lost.
She said there were three deal breakers, two of which she is applying to our relationship :
I make no excuse for anything I’ve done and I regret my past. I am no longer that person of 20 years ago.
My wife said that her anger and resentment towards me pushed her towards another man. She had an affair. As we grew more distant, eventually I myself had an affair.
After some open and gut-wrenching talks we both said we want to make this work and we want a future.
So my question to you is, are those two deal breakers still deal breakers?
Is there hope of a future in spite of our past?
I want her to read the rest of your book. We both want to heal the damage we have both caused from our past and grow old together.
Ray, Sorry to hear about all the heartbreak in your marriage. To set the record straight, I didn’t say infidelity was a deal breaker. I said it’s not safe to be with a man who isn’t capable of being faithful, or who is physically abusive.
If you haven’t been physically abusive for 20 years, and you’re capable of being faithful, and I was talking to her I’d tell her there’s every reason to be hopeful that her marriage can heal and be amazing. I think she’d find the rest of the book very valuable.
I have been with the same man for seventeen years.
Years ago he had a family behind my back which I did forgive him.
Now years later he leaves everyday to go out with the fella’s and lately on friday’s he does not come home.
I do not know if he is cheating or on drugs.
He does not help me with our children or our home expenses nor any of the bill’s. I get so frustrated because I am totally wore out. I can’t even say the last time we have went out together.
Is there anything in your book’s on how I can try to fix this relationship?
Rita, That sounds awful! I’m sorry to hear, and I can see why you’re feeling worn out! I would be too. I definitely suggest starting with the book, The Empowered Wife, which lays out the Six Intimacy Skills which will definitely make you happier, which is a requirement for a happy relationship. You can read a free chapter here:
Your book changed my life. I was so focused on what he needed to change that I was completely blinded to what I needed to change. I changed and he started changing. What I want to ask you is how long does it take to completely change? This all started a month ago and we are still not having a frequent sex life, I still feel insecure, i still don’t feel desired and cherished. I understand it is a process but I want to get an idea if I’m doing things right or maybe this marriage is just not for me. He goes on a trip by himself a week every month because he liked to be alone and that drives me crazy, a year ago when he started doing that was when I started with my insecurity and jealousy. Any glimpse of hope?
Pam, Absolutely there’s lots of hope for your relationship! I can see why you feel insecure about him going on a trip alone one week a month. I wouldn’t like that either, or infrequent sex. But everything is solvable that you describe and what will make the biggest difference for you is getting support. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches to explore the best move for your relationship. You can do that here:
Hi, Laura! I came across “The Empowered Wife” after a hurtful fight I had a few weeks ago with my boyfriend of 9 months. His criticism of me hurt but more so, it scared me. The person he described me as sounded like a monster. I was embarrassed and I hated learning that he saw me in such a way. I felt stuck and like I couldn’t say anything at all out of fear that it would come out all monster-y. I read your book and over this last week right away began implementing your suggestions.
His positive response was immediate and I am fully aware I can trust your words. It isn’t at all scary for me and in fact, it’s quite fun. It’s almost like in an instant I could see his calmer, more comfortable energy again and he has been so attentive and holding me close at every chance he gets, even more than when we first were together. It feels amazing. I am so grateful 1) that he called me out on a few of my behaviors and expressed it to me before things went too far south and shattered; 2) for the attitude adjustment and the greater awareness now that you’ve explained what happens on both sides of the relationship in specific scenarios; and 3) for your suggestions of how to word certain phrases where I was otherwise regularly feeling stuck.
This means the world. I feel so hopeful and lucky to have found you and your words. I look forward to continuing with this and to doing a webinar. Thank you so, so much, Laura, for sharing this with the world.
Lauren, I can relate to you so much as far as not realizing I was a monster and feeling so embarrassed and horrified. I admire your ability to take an unflinching look at yourself. It’s not easy! But then there’s the empowerment on the other side and that’s where it gets to be magical and exhilarating again. I’m happy to hear you’re finding my book so valuable and I celebrate your success! Congratulations!
I read your book. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months and is currently away and I felt anxiety about the trip and wanted to control, but instead let go and it has been going so well. We’ve been texting back and forth and I’ve been fun and light. We had a fight last month and I understood the need for an attitude adjustment. My aunt is visiting and invited us to visit her in another state in spring and also told me I am the happiest she has seen me and that I’m glowing.
I told him because I was excited to mention the trip and I also thanked him for contributing so much to my happiness. He commented that the trip sounds great, but didn’t mention my comment, which was “I re-found* myself on my own, but I want to thank you for all you do that contributes to this happiness.” (*note to laura–I broke off my engagement 2 years ago when I realized it wasn’t the right thing at the time).
I’m worried this made him feel uncomfortable. I genuinely wanted to send my love and express gratitude without expectation. I’m tempted to ask if I made him uncomfortable, but I know you would advise otherwise because I’m being led by my fear. Should I say nothing? Do you think he’s uncomfortable? I don’t want to mess this up! I was doing well and felt your guidance is helpful so I’m reaching out.
Ann, Congratulations on being the happiest your aunt has ever seen you! I give you all the credit for that glow, and for things going so smoothly. Instead of focusing on how he reacted or didn’t react, consider focusing on your own paper–how do you feel? What do you want? He may not be used to the new dance, but as long as you’re honoring yourself you’re all good. Sounds like you expressed some genuine gratitude and it’s hard to see how you could go wrong with that, even if he’s not used to it. For me, it was helpful to have a community of like-minded women to practice the skills with. I would love to see you have the same thing. You’re going in the right direction to be engaged again.
Thank you for your response. I would love to be a part of that community. You’re right, and good point about the new dance. How do/did I feel? Vulnerable and afraid he will knock me down. What do I want? To feel safe in the knowledge that I’m being cared for near or far like I care for him. But I can’t control that or his response. I’d like to keep the trust button turned on. After I wrote to you yesterday I did everything I could to distract myself with enjoyable things and I’ve made my week of self care plans with massage and meeting up with friends and dancing. I love to dance. So I guess I’m getting used to the new dance, too.
My question is whether it becomes easier, or will I always have to force myself through the process to stay detached and on my own paper? In still feeling vulnerable, will it be OK in a couple of days to tell him I miss him?
It’s a little bit funny and grounding to consider how the struggle is in my own brain right now and doesn’t involve him because he has no idea.
To be engaged again, what a wonderful thought. ?
Thank you again.
Ann, It definitely gets easier! The community helps make that happen faster. I hope you can attend this free webinar. You’ll find it very valuable.
Is it fair to say that some women/men drive one another to physical abuse? And if so if I follow the Six intimacy steps can I repair my marriage?
Cindi, thank you so much for reaching out for support. I admire you for bringing up such vulnerable questions. The Six Intimacy Skills have proven effective in repairing nearly any marriage. But there are a few divorces I endorse, including from a physically abusive husband. Your safety comes first. A woman never deserves or asks for physical abuse. You are the expert on your life, and I would love to see you get more support in deciding whether the Skills are the right fit for your situation. How would it fit for you to apply for a complimentary discovery call at https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching?
I would like to know all six intinacy skills….I will be honest the first one looks hard. Not sure what makeshe me happy anymore.
Jennifer, thank you for reaching out. I love your commitment to learning the Six Intimacy Skills–even the one that looks hard! I’m so excited for you to rediscover what makes you happy. I invite you to attend my upcoming webinar, “How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life.” You can register for it here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Is the empowered woman book in an audiobook version yet?
Daniela, The Empowered Wife is not yet available on audiobook, but you might enjoy the audio for First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors.
Is it possible for this program to work for a couple who are in their late 70’s. This is a really OLD story with us and I have started to apply the principles from the books. I don’t know if our relationship has changed but i feel better about myself. It;s only a few days but I am still wondering if there is hope.
Yes, Carol! I acknowledge you for having the courage to try something new. Many women who come to me have been doing the same old dance for decades. Yet when they commit to practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, they see changes as quickly as within two weeks. I can’t wait to hear how they work for you! To jumpstart your transformation so you can start feeling cherished, desired and adored, I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Hi Laura I’m just reading one of your books for the first time. One of the reasons I wanted to see if I could glean any help from you was that I have been attacking my husband in jealous rages for the last month. We’ve been happily married for 20 years but then 2 things happened. He described a work associate as his best friend. She is living in another country but they talk every day as they are both dependent on each other for their businesses. ie sales. He retracted the comment when I said ‘ but I’m your best friend’. He said he only meant that she was his best friend at work. I was still upset. We went to her birthday party in her home country and she met us wearing a tiny pair of shorts and a low cut top and touched his arm so often while she was driving, she nearly crashed the car. Needless to say I was a sour puss in the back, trying to put a smile on my glum face. I had a meltdown later and made an idiot of myself by criticizing her surgically enhanced lips and so on. I felt defeated and demeaned and lacking in control. I hated myself. The other thing that has shaken me was when he went to LA on business and went out with his work colleagues and a younger couple. The next day I saw he had liked this 20 year old’s underwear pix on instagram. Oh God was I humiliated and so FURIOUS. When he came back I tore him a new one and have done so every couple of weeks since. I have never felt so insulted and humiliated and disgusted. I know I am really over reacting and men are visual blah blah blah, it doesn’t mean anything blah blah. He insists he is a faithfull husband and has done nothing at all. He apologised for gawping at the girl’s pictures and said he had already completely forgotten about it. He got really angry with me the last time I shouted at him and said he doesn’t know how much more he can take. I am sad most of the time. I love him and he has been loving and sweet to me. I just want to feel normal again. We have an amazing sex life and still can’t keep our hands off each other. Why do I feel so rattled and like my life has changed? I would be grateful for any help people! xx
Mauritania, I can see why you’ve been so jealous and sad. I also admire your awareness and vulnerability.
I relate to raging at my husband and losing my dignity over perceived threats to our marriage. I just didn’t know any other way to respond, even though I was actually pushing him away. The 6 Intimacy Skills empowered me to become my best self and attract him back to me.
I would love to give you the tools to feel normal again so nothing gets in the way of you being cherished, desired and adored! I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Hi what material do you recommend for a couple that’s separated?
Libni, I’m sorry to hear that you’re separated. I really respect the commitment to your marriage that I see in your reaching out for support.
In my experience working with thousands of women, as the wife you have the power to transform your relationship–including attracting your husband back. That is why I work with women only rather than couples.
I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Hi laura..my husband of seven years has anger issues…he can keep to himself for a month after a fight…I feel lonely because we don’t even have sex anymore..I’m only 30 years old….I texted him and even threatened to leave our marriage but he’s mute.I don’t know what to do anymore.
Nancy, I hear how lonely it is to live with cold wars and no intimacy. I admire you for showing vulnerability so beautifully and reaching out for support.
I remember those cold wars well–the anger and the silence–and how sad and alone I felt. The 6 Intimacy Skills made my marriage playful and passionate again.
Nancy, you can have the intimacy you deserve, inside the bedroom and out. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Hi laura, which of your books best reflect the six intimacy skills?
Carol, I invite you to check out The Empowered Wife, a step-by-step guide to the 6 Intimacy Skills. Here’s a free chapter: http://getcherished.com. I’m eager to hear how it goes for you!
my husband is keeping a distance with me .we dont have physical relation for last one year.rest everything going good he is fulfilling all my material needs and house hold needs .i am unable to understand his problem.he dont have any physical issue or health issue. pls advice how should i handle this situation
Sani, it is painful and lonely to feel such distance from your husband, including sexually, for this long. I love your sense of gratitude for what he does do and your commitment to reconnecting with him.
I remember how lonely and sad I felt when my husband retreated from me, inside the bedroom and out. With the 6 Intimacy Skills, I learned how to attract him back so now I feel desired, cherished and adored.
I’d love to give you the tools to attract your husband back too. I invite you to my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/.
Hi Laura i am a young girl of 24 age and married for 2and half year i love my husband alot i took his care like a prince i dont want any obstacles to reach him weather a money problems or any other i help him out. from the date of wedding to till date i most say i have never ask any things from him in another wort if i have to say normally husband or boyfrind do everything for his girlfriend/ wife gives alot of love, care for her,help her in many ways but in my case i have to do all that financelly or emotationally i need to take care of him som times i feel like he has no feelings he dont show his feelings he dont understand anu kind of feelings bye the way he is kind of hard working man bud he have alot of things to learn in a relationship.
he is kind of mummy boy or what should i say heis mother interfare in all his work because of which he dont get freedom to his choice to his work i feel like because of this he is little backwarded. because of which some time i feel so depressed and dont like to talk to any one not even with him . whwnever his mother do something like that i just get too much depressed and got migrain attack. but i cant make him understood about what is going wrong with him. i want to stay seprately with him so that h can do/ work as per his choice there will be no obstracles. but i am not getting how to convince him. i am still confused about what to do and what not to do laura can you please help me out how to convince my hudband of is my thinking wrond about ….
Anjee, I’m sorry to hear you’re in pain. I can see why you’re feeling depressed, having to take care of your unfeeling husband instead of being cared for yourself. It sounds so frustrating not to be able to convince him to see things your way! I admire your commitment to your marriage.
I remember how frustrated and angry I felt when my husband and I could not see eye to eye. The 6 Intimacy Skills gave me the tools to express myself in a way he could hear. Now he treats me like a queen.
If I can do it, you can too! I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/.
Hi hi Laura, I’m in a relationship that is closer to two months now. I went over to spend the weekend with my boyfriend and found two empty condom packs. When I asked him he said a male friend of his spend the night in his room while he was at work and apparently he came along with his girlfriend, I believed him. I went to use the bathroom and saw an empty tissue roll folded. I opened it and found the two condoms from the empty packs already used. I didn’t ask him about it again.
Hello Laura!!! My husband is an alcoholic and he is currently in rehab… I am getting ready to watch your free webinar and I am looking for that intamacy in my marriage… I have forgot how to be happy… I am ready to make myself happy…
I have been separated from my husband for 1 yr. It been hard and i feel better about him leaving but a part of me still want my marriage. I am thinking about filing because the pain of being without sadness me. I read your post, blog even brought your book. Is to late to save my marriage. I think he has someone new. He just stating back being kind to each other as well.
Hi I’m lav, I got married when i was almost twenty and both our family did not want us to be married my husband was 25 and his family in particular for the first time they me “that they do not want me in the family. After four months my husband sister started asking for money that we needed for ourselves. It got worst over the years especially when I had our son that would criticise my body and interrupt our home because it was a family place. My husband would blame me when is spoke to him about his family. Then friends etc.. We’ve being married for 8years and I would have said in the past that if he continues to chose his job,friends,relatives I will be leaving and he would shake up a bit then goes back. After researching I learnt that I should never ever speak those words no matter what because its wrong. However he would GI to work from morning until11 at night for years now and then complain when he is at home that work is stressing and he can’t be bothered. He finally stared telling me its over from a year now and then finally right after my birthday because I asked him when he was on the day that he was missing and why is his lady friend so interested in our life and right there and then he said” I’m done”. Few weeks after that he got up and said that we need to formally end the relationship. I keep trying but he jeeps saying he has not changed his mind. I can’t take the rejection, pain,humiliation,isolation. I try to focus on myself and every time I’m happy there he is hammering in my heart that it does not matter what I do. I feel like during I knife in my heart so that I won’t ever feel anything again.
Laura, my husband and I have been separated for the last two weeks because of an incident with my teenaged daughter. To be honest, he is a control freak and wants everything done his way even down to what we wear and who his step-children’s friends are. He grounds them for the tiniest infractions and I can’t stand it. Because of this, we have hidden things for years from him and I’ve gone behind his back to allow my kids some freedoms. All this has come to light and he got angry and said I was undermining him. I get it but who wouldn’t do the same in a similar situation. We feel like we are in prison. Let’s just say when he explains his reasons, I don’t find them silly or crazy but when we don’t talk, I find him to be unreasonable and thus the lies ensue. Would you’re books help with this?
Karen, That sounds incredibly oppressive to feel so controlled in so many ways, and your kids too. I wouldn’t like that either! I can see why you end up sneaking instead of risking a conflict. You’ll find some good, specific language to use to break this cycle in The Empowered Wife. The audio is called First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors, if you’re an audiobook person. I’d also love to see you get a coach who could help you live out loud and still be respectful of your husband without causing major drama. It’s all possible, and it sounds like you’re ready to have a breakthrough.
I’ve been listening to the Empowered Wife like you said and it is so amazing. How do I get a coach to help me? My kids do not want to go back home because my husband has been hurtful to them as well. I feel like I have hope with my husband for the first time but my kids are digging in their heels now.
Karen, I’m so happy to hear you’re seeing a whole new possibility for your marriage! We reached out to you to about setting up a time to explore if having a coach is right for you. Standing for you to have all that you want in your marriage and family!
Hi Laura, my husband wanted to separate from me because he says he feels nothing. He only feels love for his children but nothing for me. We have two small children, opposite working schedules, bills and we struggle with communication. i have in the past spoke very rudely about him but have since then apologized to him. He is still living with me because he cannot move out due to financial obligations but says he will once the debt is controlled. i am in love with him and everyday is a struggle as he does not give me the loving attention i want and once had from him. I am still fighting for my marriage by continuing to tell him i love him and continuing sex. He just strongly continues to put a wall up to me and block me from being to close or emotionally intimate. i do not know what to do anymore. i am trying to be patient but by him just saying, his end game is physically separating, its taking a mental toll on me.
I am truly trying g to find happiness within myself, but I long to end the loneliness in my marriage of 33 years. My husband has had trouble holding down a job but has also been hired at higher level jobs. We moved 320 miles away from our family system so he could take a job that was not sales and traveling. During 33 years he has had 13 jobs. I have had 4. So, I realize that he has issues with confidence and maybe guilt from losing the job that we moved for. But I supported him thru everything. 6 years ago he lost his last job. He has always drank…things got worse. I go to work and rush home to cook dinner to sober him up. During the last 6 years in his drunken state every day he has been mentally abusive and cruel to me and our then teenage children. I basically go to work to escape…yet he accuses me of choosing work over him..guilting me. 2 months ago I wrote him a letter telling hi. What I was feeling and s what I e
Was going to do to improve our marriage. Left it open for discussion. He made no comments even to acknowledge he read the letter. I did all the things I told him I would. I was happier. There is no intimacy between us. He never touches me even makes these grunti g noises when I try to hug or kiss him. Which isn’t often due to my improvement plan. When I do what he asked about certain lingerie…he says… maybe later and holds up his wine glass. Starts drinking daily about noon and is passed out in bed when I come home at 5 pm. No communication. I have called a lawyer…I know what to do for divorcing…doesnt it take 2 people to make it work…have you written a book on what a husband should do to be happily married and not a drunk. He fails to do any repairs to our home. He finally started playing the Bill’s. I have acknowledged directly to him…thank you for washing clothes…thank you for this…that. but he has never ever…ever…ever…said thank you for working and paying our Bill’s. Never.in fact he has informed me that I cannot retire for another 4 years…and than I have to work part time. I feel used…disrepected… alone….and unloved.
I Laura I am reading your book the empowered wife and my question is when you are writing 20 self care things down is that list the same as your desires?
Just buy her book. She is a ‘life coach’. Ridiculous, 6 easy steps to change a controlling husband. Amazing information.
Thank you, thank you, Laura!! I just finished reading “First Kill all the Marriage Counselors”, and WOW!! What an immediate difference…my husband of 20+ years has told me for ages that I’m controlling. I first resisted believing him, then began looking for ways to determine if he was correct. Well, he certainly was! When I found your blog, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the book, and read the whole thing in less than 24 hours! Have made a list of 10 things (so far) that make me happy (hard to think of things…have been in quite a rut for a long time of just putting on blinders, and doing what had to be done), and he has been so happy for me! Called me today to tell me that he wishes he could just ditch what he’s doing at work to be with me…did I say WOW??!! Can’t wait to see what our future holds ( :
I have been with my spouse for 20 years as we’ve been marriage for 12 years next month. He went to work on the road. He kept asking me to come see him. I was too busy with school, work and taking care of teenagers. Well he found someone to spend time with him. He’s been seeing her for quite some time now. He tells me that he’s still in love with me, but we need to work on our communication. We have nothing to talk about. I’m a very quiet person. He says that this other woman treats him how he wants to be treated. They don’t live together, but they still see each other. Can you please help!
I’m new at this…
I surrendering my salary but he is too busy to give what I need. Always excuses
I have a question about doing three things a day that bring you joy. One thing I enjoy is cooking, but I find that when I’m in the kitchen happily trying out a new recipe, my husband will often come in with “helpful suggestions” – which are of course veiled criticisms. Joy squashed. How do I address this? I’m rarely / never home when he isn’t.
Id really love to learn to not feel guilty about doing something for myself and that i deserve to be happy.
Hey Laura! I am a huge fan. Been reading and rereading your book for years..learning, understanding, and implementing all the skills. I am interested in becoming a relationship coach. I live in Israel and I think and believe many women would gain from all this wisdom. How can i go about doing this? I already have a “therapy” background. Also I have already been spreading your ideas to other women and telling them they must get your book! Is it already translated into Hebrew? If not we have to start on that too…so please get back to me how i can go about bringing home peace to more of the world!!!
Shoshana, So nice to hear about your passion for bringing the world shalom bayis! The book The Surrendered Wife is translated into Hebrew, but unfortunately, Relationship Coach Training is currently sold out. If you join the waiting list I’ll keep you posted when we offer it next. https://lauradoyle.org/rct-waitlist See you in Relationship Coach Training in the future!
One month ago my husband suddenly announced he wanted to move out. He cheated on me 3 times in the past 6 years (that I know of) and although I forgave him each time, I was slowly building a wall around my heart. I acted nice (or so I thought) but I was constantly speaking negatively about him to my close friends and feeling like I was a long suffering victim and martyr. Well, he wasn’t as oblivious to my feelings as I believed, because he told me he felt like we were living in a loveless marriage. He accepted his responsibility towards our situation due to his past infidelity, but was no longer willing to live like two roommates. Then I discovered The Empowered Wife book. I read it and instantly started applying the 6 insights to myself and our relationship. That was 2 weeks ago, and the change has been nothing short of amazing! I am smiling and joyful around my husband, I thank him when he does things around the house and for me, I speak highly of him to others, I keep my gratitude journal, I express my desires without making him feel like I am complaining, I say yes to intimacy and fully engage in it – the turnaround in our relationship is astonishing! He is joyful and affectionate, saying he loves me daily, he is jumping at the chance to help me with things without me having to ask, and he is so pleased to do it. I let him do things that I could do myself, and it makes him feel very needed. This is not about giving away your power to make him feel better about himself – this is about embracing your powerful feminine side and not being afraid to let him see some vulnerability – rather than walk all over it, he rises to the occasion to be my hero (even if it is little things) and that seems to make him more tender, protective and loving towards me. A man needs to be needed. I am so grateful this book is saving my marriage. Choose faith over fear – regardless of how this turns out – I will at least have given it 100% of my true heart and effort, and as a result I am handling myself with gentle grace and daily joy. For the record, my husband has declared how much he loves me and wants to stay here in our home and spend our lives together in love and peace.
Thank you Laura!!
MJ, you are nothing short of amazing! Congratulations on having the courage and commitment to be vulnerable and fix your marriage! The world needs more women like you.
Dear Laura, I want to thank you for sharing your knowledge with the world and for trying to end divorce, I also believe divorce is a tragedy for all involved :-(.
I discovered your material (books, blog, YouTube etc) a week ago and I’m loving it, I wish I’d found it 4 months ago. I look forward to starting to use the 6 intimacy skills when my husband comes back from his 5 week visit trip to his mom and sister miles away from us (I think this trip was to escape from what was happening at home 🙁 ).
In reading your material, I realize I have to apologize to my husband for being disrespectful many times and I also need to thank him for a few good things he’s done while away, I just don’t know when or how to do this, maybe you can advise me? Do I wait for him to come back to do it in person or send him a text? Unfortunately him and I have not talked while he’s been away as he didn’t want to.
I’m hopeful and positive that by using the 6 intimacy skills, I will be the adored wife I was for many years before and will make have a stronger relationship with the person I love.
Thanks again for the great information you provide us, please never stop and God bless you.
You are amazing!!! Your skills really work! I don’t know how I could thank you enough. I have been using these skills for only 3 days and my husband seems like a totally different person! A week ago we had a fight where I had told him he wasn’t a man because he had no initiative at all and always had to be told what to do he had no self esteem and no drive. Then I found your information! It started working almost immediately!!!
Today, only 3 days after starting he took out the garbage, did another job for me, washed the car, made a dentist appointment, plans on taking the car in for the oil change, offered to hold some stuff for me when I was struggling and He also took me out for a fancy lunch! Wow!!! I didn’t realize how well this would work! And he seems happy and more confident.
And to everyone who is wondering if they should give it a shot please do!!!!! Just do it!!! And give it all your effort even if it doesn’t seem natural.
Laycee, that is amazing! Wow, it’s remarkable how you’re inspiring him to be his best self. Congratulations on turning things around–in a hurry!
I listened to you on a podcast with Dr. Kim and found the conversation very interesting which compelled me to search out your site. I’m intrigued with your book and ideas. My first question is how would I lovingly, gently recommend this book to my wife? One of my less than desirable skills. Second, would this be helpful to a husband? Third, is there a husband counterpart book that I can learn from? Thank you! I think the ideas I’ve viewed from this website and your podcast make a lot of sense for marriages. Thank you for helping and serving others!!
You’re welcome, Doug! I love your idea of recommending the book gently and lovingly. My coaches and I support women exclusively, but here is a blog post for men. We are standing for you and your marriage!
I don’t know what to do. For years o didn’t feel oved, I handled everything, didn’t feel appreciated, felt like a single parent and I had so much resentment towards my husband. I decided I wanted him to hurt so I had affairs. But that didn’t make me happy just made me more mad at him because he was really the only one wanted to be with.
Trust I know how stupid that sounds. Well he found out two years ago and he was shocked now two years later hes dealing with it an I don’t know what to do. Im walking on egg shells and I don’t know how to fix this or if I can. I want to throw up all the time realizing what I did – also during this time period I drank from 6 in the morning to fell asleep – yes im sure that was so attractive to him (not). i just don’t know what to do – everyday he hammers me and i try not to let it effect me so much because i don’t want to fall into depression and go back to drinking like I was – I want to help him heal but i don’t know what to say or do – i just want to die for hurting him so bad – I just don’t know what to so first
Becky, I hate that you’re in such pain. I know you just want to be a happy wife, but first, you have to fix your relationship and it feels like it’s falling apart. I admire your accountability and your vulnerability in sharing your journey. You are not alone in struggling with such resentment and hurt or in going outside the marriage. I’ve emailed you some resources so you can get the support to heal your marriage.
Thank you for saving my relationship! I’ve been with Dan 20 years. Even though we’re not legally married, I consider him my husband. To be fair, due to childhood trauma and resultant trust issues, I didn’t want to get married. In fact, I’ve left him 8 times, always returning because he is so kind and loving to me. Things were fine, then suddenly we started fighting all the time, which had never happened. I became desperate for help, fervently praying to God for guidance. After 5 years of not leaving him, I found myself planning to leave him yet again, only this time he told me it would be final.
I work at Amazon. Your book came across my line. After reading the cover, I knew it would help.
It has changed EVERYTHING!
I was being a total witch! No wonder we were fighting. I disrespected and criticized him at every turn. He finally got angry and started standing up for himself. I also wasn’t taking care of myself, conveniently focusing on his flaws rather than my goals.
Your approach is so new and refreshing, I’ve now ordered your workbook. I can’t wait now to marry this man, as finally I know what to do to ensure a happy marriage.
Shannon, that is amazing. Congratulations on your transformation!
How great that even after everything has changed, you’re ready for more. I admire your commitment and your new desire for a happy MARRIAGE!
Your timing is perfect! The 5-Day Adored Wife Challenge is coming up. You can join us for FREE at lauradoyle.org/challenge.
I have been married for nearly 18 years now and my husband suddenly decided to end it all.I chose to move out of the house due to ill treatments from him. So we have separated for almost a month now. Now that I found your blog, I’d like to return home but he insist in not having me return because I was the one that chose to leave. What would you advise that I do in my situation?
Dida, that sounds so heartbreaking. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. I remember the days when I needed a miracle to fix my marriage. To paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen around here, they happen all the time. I can’t wait for you to get coaching so we can support you in creating your miracle! And to give this question the fuller conversation it deserves.
Where can I find information on the Cherished for Life weekends. Thanks!
Hi Liz, we now offer virtual gatherings to make it easier for women to attend. We’d love to see you at the next one! We’ll keep you posted about the next 5-Day Adored Wife Challenge when you sign up for the mailing list right here.
We also have an in-person event coming up! You can get all the details here.