Understanding Men in Relationships
What He Secretly Thinks about Seduction, Controlling His Temper, Opening Up to You, and More
If you’ve ever wondered what motivates your man or why he’s acting the way he is, you’re not alone.
Men can be hard to understand.
They laugh at things that aren’t that funny, enjoy movies that aren’t that interesting, and react to harmless comments like they’re insults.
At least, that’s how it seemed to me for a long time.
You may feel the same way.
So at the Cherished for Life Weekend, we gather five men, put them on stage and anonymously ask them any question we want.
Anything at all.
We ask for seduction tips, how to get him to open up or what made him decide to choose his wife.
And they answer very authentically–and thoroughly.
But the women had so many burning questions that the last Man Panel didn’t get to them all. So for today’s blog, I decided to ask questions submitted at the Cherished for Life Weekend to a Man Panel of one: my husband, John Doyle.
He agreed to pull back the curtain and answer eight anonymous questions candidly.
1. My husband seems like he’s struggling to find himself. How can I support him? I so desperately want him to be happy.
Ugh! [Eye roll.] One thing I don’t need is a desperate woman.
I feel like she wants to control me, and my reaction is to say, “I’ve got it handled.”
Don’t worry about it. It may be I’m on the hero’s journey, and all I need from you is to trust that I’m doing the right thing. It would feel like interference if you tried to do anything to help me.
It is interference. Don’t help me.
2. How long can a man stay mad?
Just until you start crying. Hahaha.
A man doesn’t stay mad for long because he wants to handle the situation right there and then.
If you’re saying “Why are you still mad?” it seems like you’re berating me for being mad. Sounds like you disapprove of me being angry.
Well, I am angry. It’s too bad for you if you don’t like it. Especially if you’re the one who pushed my buttons and then you’re upset that I’m angry.
I’ve got to go through the process. Don’t rush me. It’s like letting a pie cool before you slice it. Just go do something else and check back with me later.
3. How do I invite sex and seduce my husband? He is attracted to me but resists and even gets angry when I wear lingerie. He calls it pressure and manipulation.
So I’m sitting there involved in something, then my wife comes in wearing lingerie and puts her hands all over me. But the timing is all wrong, and I feel pressured and uncomfortable. So I tell her, “Not now, honey!”
She says, “Why not?”
And I say, “Because I’m watching TV with my friends!” [Laughs.]
But seriously, I don’t want to feel pressured to perform. You can’t make a flower grow. It has to come from inside and not from outside. Usually when I feel pressured it’s because there’s pressure. It turns a simple thing into a big thing.
A lot of what goes on outside the bedroom contributes to this situation.
If you want to turn me on, start by putting me at ease. Be pleasable. If I felt like I wasn’t pressured to perform, I’d already be having sex with you.
4. How do I encourage my husband to exercise?
5. My husband doesn’t share much with me. How can I get him to talk more without pressure?
You answered your own question. Give him room to talk. No pressure.
Just let him talk as much as he wants to. Maybe he doesn’t feel like talking.
It’s not that you want him to talk–it’s that you want to make him feel like talking. He’s got to want to talk.
What makes me want to talk is when I’m asked a question and I know giving the answer is not going to come back and haunt me later. Or I’m not going to be berated for what I say.
Smile and say “That’s great” instead of saying “How can you say that!?!”
Maybe every little thing he says, make him glad he did. Hug him. Say “You’re so strong!”
6. Do you recommend sex toys?
Ummmmm. To quote John Lennon, “Whatever gets you through the night.” Some people like ’em.
7. Is it possible to restore a marriage’s physical intimacy after being essentially sexless for years?
I bet it is. It could be because he feels pressured, rejected or taken for granted. I’m not going to want to do it if every time I walk in she’s all “Bleh!” and upset and negative. So he’s angry and it’s his way of coping with the situation not to have sex.
I think a lot of it is that other behaviors might change, and then all of a sudden you realize that you want to do it. If he starts to feel respected, it would change.
8. My husband can’t articulate what he wants. How can I know how to treat him?
What your husband wants is what every man wants: to feel useful, to achieve and to make you happy.
Seriously, men are pretty simple. They don’t need a lot of talking. If they feel like they’re helping, they like that.
If you have a project, if there’s something you want done, say “I need a big strong man!” He’ll step up to the plate. If he’s doing something for you, he’ll feel purposeful. That’s what he wants.
What are the most mystifying aspects of men for you? What questions would you ask the Man Panel?