Welcome to the Empowered Wife podcast, where it’s all about fixing your relationship without your man’s conscious effort so you feel desired, taken care of, and special, even if your relationship feels completely hopeless. I’m Laura Doyle, and today I’m talking about three ways to make marriage fun again. My guest Kelly was convinced her husband was gay and was simply lying to himself about it. She was in and out of depression. and the intimacy in her marriage was basically gone. And she felt he was controlling her and also avoiding her by staggering their work schedules. But today she feels like one of those women in a romance novel whose marriage is full of wonder. She’s gonna tell us how she did that. Then I’ll be giving out the Worst Relationship Advice of the Week Award from a top marriage therapist who has no slots available because he’s so popular. All that is coming up. But first, let’s talk about three ways to make marriage fun again. Remember when you first fell in love and you laughed together all the time? You two were so silly back then. It was so much fun to be together that you decided to become permanent partners in crime. Your relationship felt so light. It just filled you with hope and optimism. So how did it get to be this heavy? It could have been the pressure of the mad rush to get work done, pick up the kids, get the mortgage paid and the laundry folded. You’re not alone. Feeling overwhelmed is decidedly unfun. So I was wondering if you picked the right partner to begin with. Either one can make your marriage feel tedious. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be drudgery. Here are three ways to make your marriage fun starting today. Number one. start a smile campaign. The tension was high at Liz’s house after a blowup. And when her husband came through the door the next night, she watched his face to see if the storm had passed yet, but she could tell that things were gonna be tense again that evening. When I asked her what she thought her husband saw on her face as he came through the door, she said, “‘Well, I was afraid and he probably saw that.'” And then she paused and added, “‘I might have looked stern.'” Maybe he thought I was still upset. She decided to smile at him the next night as he came through the door, regardless of how he was acting. I want to feel happy when he comes home, no matter what look he has on his face, she said. I feel better when I’m smiling, even though it’s scary because I’m not sure how he’ll react. She needed to have worried because greeting her man with a smile the next day set the mood for the rest of the evening. All of a sudden, We were friends again, she explained. He even read me some funny stuff he’d found online and we were cracking up. It was so much better than brooding and ignoring each other. That smile broke the ice. Maybe like Liz, you feel hurt or scared to bring the fun. Nobody wants to be shut down and told they’re ridiculous for being playful. That’s why it can feel vulnerable to do the macarena or the nae in the kitchen, or to use your husband as a towel when you get out of the shower, or to put your hoodie on backward and pretend you’re a giant burrito lumbering down the hall. But that vulnerability is so attractive, especially smiling, laughing, dancing vulnerability. A simple smile is a great start. Nobody needs an excuse to smile. If anybody questions you, you can always say, you’re just happy. What will happen at your house if you decide to smile more? Number two, restore emotional safety. Smiling, laughing, and joking around are signs of confidence. That’s what humans do when we feel secure, when there’s no danger of being judged, shamed, attacked, or abandoned. When we’re scared, we play it straight. So if it’s been a while since you cracked up together, it could be that neither of you is feeling safe. Fortunately, you can change that single-handedly by using a few simple cheat phrases that help restore the emotional safety in a hurry. Consider apologizing for being disrespectful. Now, only if you’ve been disrespectful, of course. Or you could say whatever you think to show trust by referring him back to his own thinking about something that is his to decide. I was amazed at how far treating my husband with respect and trust went. toward restoring the good old days in my marriage. Once John felt that I esteemed him, he was back to the important job of making me laugh really hard. When your man wooed you, I bet he tried to make you laugh too. Every time he did, he counted himself very successful. And you had fun and you felt adored. You both felt confident. You can bring all of that back when you restore respect and trust. Number three, prioritize play. What I’m about to tell you is the kind of thing that makes people think John is a funny one in our marriage, even though I keep telling everyone how funny I am. Every afternoon when the mail slot in our garage clanks shut, John pokes his head at my office and announces, nothing came in the mail. And that’s my signal, the race is on. I jump up and sprint down the hall to grab the mail before him. He always gets ahead of me, only to run right into the closed door with a thumb. and then he crumples to the floor like a cartoon character. Next, I swoop in and I triumphantly pick up the grocery store flyers and the credit card offers, giggling all the while, every day. This kind of thing has been going on for years now, but it wasn’t always so. I used to be way too busy to interrupt the very important work I was doing, especially for something so childish. I thought I had to be serious because I was the only responsible adult in the family. Turns out, I was just the most uptight person in the family. Fortunately, I have recovered from my years long bad mood, and I’m happy to say I’m finally back to being the woman of fun and light, and we’re back to having a ridiculously good time. And these days, I tend to prioritize laughing and playing over finishing the email I’m working on, which will still be there after John splats into the door and I retrieve the postcard about the mattress sale. After all, it was nothing more important to me than doing silly things with my man when we were dating and falling in love. And those were good times. If I can bring back the fun after the bore my marriage had become, you can too. If you’re wondering how to get started with fixing your relationship and making it shiny again, then you need a roadmap. Get six simple steps to follow that will set your relationship up for success. Discover three common mistakes wives make trying to fix their relationship to just make things worse. When you download my free adored wife roadmap, you can do that at getcherished.com. Go to getcherished.com now to get your roadmap in minutes. My guest Kelly was convinced that her husband was gay and was simply lying to himself about it. She was in and out of depression and the intimacy in her marriage was basically gone. She felt he was controlling her and also avoiding her by staggering their work schedules. But today she feels like one of those women in a romance novel whose marriage is full of wonder. She’s going to tell us how she did that. Pellie, welcome to the Empowered Wife podcast. Thanks for being on the show. Oh, you’re welcome, Laura. Thank you so much for having me here. It’s an honor. Well, tell us if you will, what things were like in the battle days in your marriage. I don’t often like to go back to the battle days, but God, it was hard. He was very controlling. I remember feeling like, like a little kid in my own house. Like I couldn’t do anything right because he’d come over and tell me how to do stuff. And there was a lot of distance between us where there used to be a lot of closeness when we first got together. And I didn’t know why. Like I would ask, why can’t we go out someplace? Like take me out to dinner, romance me something. And he just, he would never, maybe he would take me out but it was like forced and I just, ah. He started working different schedules. We both have travel jobs. So he started doing more layovers and staying out of the house more. He wouldn’t be intimate with me. He stopped reaching for me. Our conversations were always very short and stunted. And I noticed that, you know, when he came home from work he would have all these really nice things to say about people. I’d come home and I’d have all these really terrible things to say about people. Yeah, there was just no, there was no intimacy. There was just no romance anymore. And I was miserable. And I have a side business as well, an art business. And that was just consuming me. And then I also have, you know, my regular job in the travel industry. And I was just, I didn’t realize I was sinking. And I wasn’t… I had no idea what self-care was, you know, it was so hard for me to see even the concept of being good to myself. Yeah, and he just, he just coiled away and, and yeah, I, I started to think maybe he didn’t like women, maybe because obviously it wasn’t me, right? I started to think, you know, people had teased him because because of his mannerism sometimes that, oh, you’re gay, you know, and, and of course I’m like, well, that’s not true. And I’ve known this man for 13, 14 years and obviously he’s not gay, but then it started to sink in like, Oh my God, what if he really is? What if he’s denying himself? And, and I started looking for that evidence, right? Started trying to build a case that, yeah, he really was gay. And And there because you know, I’m obviously attractive and you know, why am I not attracting this man? Other men are attracted to me. How come he’s not attracting me? Yeah, it was not a happy time. I was angry a lot. I would go to the mood swings like I would be really happy one day and then the next day, I’m just like, well enough. And it was like not around my time of the month. You know, it was just That just happened and it, I felt like I had no control over when I was just going to go into these rages and these depressions and I just curl into myself and I wouldn’t reach out to friends or family and nobody, nobody knew what was going on. I didn’t tell anybody. I really put out there the front that everything was just fine. When inside I’m, you know, I’m looking over at my husband thinking that I make a mistake. really hard to, that’s hard to admit because, you know, when I walked down the aisle, I remember thinking, I need to be 120%. And I remember walking down that aisle feeling 120%. And then to feel this, you know, to think of the D word, just six years later, what happened? Just really. like a slow death almost. He’s a very calm man. He’s not a yellow screamer, you know, he doesn’t throw things like hardly ever. She’s very even keeled. So, so yeah, it was like a slow dying of my relationship. I didn’t feel cared for. And I didn’t quite care about what he was doing. And he started to really annoy me too, like everything about him was annoying to me. The way he shoot his food, you know, the way he stood. I would criticize him about his back and his posture and the way he talked and mannerisms and just stupid stuff. You know, that really shouldn’t be getting on my nerves. And I’d feel bad about it afterwards. But where did that come from? Why, this is not who I am. Was there ever a day when you said, okay, we can’t go on like this? Yeah, I remember sitting on the couch. I hate, we were both in the living room. And I was grumpy, I think, probably. I was a lot, just like a heavy cloud just over me all the time. And I looked over at him and the word divorce just popped into my brain and it didn’t scare me. And, but then later I thought that should scare me. And it didn’t scare me. And that’s when I thought that there’s something wrong. There’s a problem here. Something is bad. And if I’m thinking those thoughts and fantasizing about past relationships and what if I had been with these guys, my life would have been so much better had I said, you know. yes to my ex-fiance or yes to my very first boyfriend or went with that guy or found a new guy or you know all the romance romantic epic novels I was reading and shows I was watching like well if I just had that kind of a guy and I looked over at my man and I thought I need to be the one to break that to him because he doesn’t see it in himself you know and I did I actually confronted him I was really scared to say it. I asked him if he was gay. And he denied it. And then afterwards, I felt horrible for asking. I tried to believe him, but deep down, I didn’t. So this didn’t do much to quell your thoughts about divorce, I’m guessing, because that left an even greater distance, I’m imagining, between the two of you. Yeah, I think it probably did. It wasn’t too long after that thought came was in my mind that I started praying pretty hard. And not so much about saving my marriage, but I think just don’t really know what I was praying for just help. Help, help. And and then my mom called me and said that she’s getting a divorce. and not to my father, to my stepfather. And they’ve been together since I was a teenager. And she called and I remember thinking, I gotta help her. So I went onto the library and I just started typing in relationship books and a bunch came up, but the original title for empowered wife was kill all the marriage counselors. Um, I, it made me laugh. So I, I put that one on hold. I had like five or six on hold. And, um, I gotta say, I’m so happy you got the joke. Oh my gosh. Yeah. You and I got it. So, well, my husband likes to read Shakespeare, so I kind of make the reference. Um, so yeah, I had put a hold on all these books and it said, oh yeah, two weeks till these books are gonna get to me or whatever, because it was a long waiting list. But your book came in two days, miraculously. And I read it thinking, oh, I’m going to give this to my mom to help her, because I, you know, looking from the outside into her marriage, I was like, oh yeah, I see a lot of, a lot of things going wrong there. Oh, okay. Yeah, so. Right? Like, oh yeah, they’re, you know, like, oh yeah, they’re really bad. They have things to learn. And you and you felt it sounds like you felt a lot of conviction that she could save her marriage or you wanted her to save her marriage. Yeah, I had seen them go through a rough patch before. And I thought, OK, well, you know, I knew she wanted to stay in the marriage. It was him who wanted to leave. So anyways, I got the book and I thought I’m going to read this first before I give it to her to make sure it was a good recommendation. And I read it. And oh, my God, Laura. I mean, you get this all the time, I’m sure of it. I’m like, this isn’t for her, this is for me. I’m going down the same path she is. I’m going, I’m doing the same thing I did with my other relationships. I can see myself in it now. And that was a huge moment when I thunderstruck, right? Like, oh, it’s not him. It’s me. It’s kind of a painful moment, isn’t it? It is. It’s kind of, it’s painful and it’s freeing at the same time. And so empowering too, because I have a lot of faith. I’m very deep in my faith. And I know God gave me my husband for a reason. I know where I was in my life and how. how we met and how it came about naturally that he’s a God-given gift to me. And if God doesn’t make mistakes, then I must be making the mistake, you know? So it really spoke to me because I thought, okay, I can start looking to see where I can start changing things which is in my control, yeah. So I like this because the way you’re telling your story, it’s pretty obvious you really didn’t know before you got the book what was possible for you, what options you had. Your role model, your mom was in her second marriage. That was not, you know, wasn’t going well. So it really was a case of just not knowing any better, it sounds like. Is that fair to say? Oh yeah. I think for us both for hearing my mom’s side of the story too, like, you know, the wanting to get a divorce came out of left field and then me not seeing myself in the slow demise of my own marriage. No, I didn’t see it. I was totally blind to it. Completely blind. Yeah. I guess I just like that idea that, you know, when we know better, we do better. But if no one ever thought you. How are you supposed to know, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I think that there had to be some forgiveness on my part as well to forgive myself for not knowing and to forgive my role models for also not having the tools. Yes. We just don’t know, but we just didn’t know. No, no. And I remember having that moment of anger too, like, why didn’t my grandmother? tell me or my mom or somebody or my aunt or somebody. And maybe they didn’t know either. I’m sure they did it, right? Anybody or else I wasn’t open yet. I don’t know. Yeah, who knows? But yeah, I like that. Forgiving your role models, I can relate to having that feeling too. So, okay, so now, so you have this excruciating, wonderful moment of realizing like, oh, I’ve got some responsibility and a lot of power. So what did you start doing differently than you had been? So one of the first skills I tested out was expressing a pure desire. And in my moment of realization of what I had taught him over the years on how to treat me, one of the things that was really painful was on my birthday some years ago when he gave me a gift and It was not a romantic gift. It was soup bowls, because he knows how much I like soup and pho soup and ramen. And I let him have it all day about how horrible that gift was and it wasn’t romantic enough. And I was just, and I at the time was felt very justified. And I realized, oh my God, I have taught him never to give me gifts. And I didn’t realize what a terrible receiver I was. So I was like, okay, I’m gonna test this out. So I love flowers. For a long time, I said, don’t give me flowers. They’re too expensive because you’re saving money. And I was super controlling with the money. And so I was like, okay, I’m gonna wait till he’s in the room and I’m just gonna say it. So I did, I just said, I just would love some flowers in the house. And then I walked away and I thought, okay, I’m not supposed to have an expectation. I’m just going to walk away. I said my piece and now I’m going to go do something else. And three days later there was flowers in the house and I was like, Oh, wow. That’s cool. Um, all right. I’ll, I’ll chew a little more on this. Let’s see what else I can do. It’s like, it’s like, um. magic a little bit. It’s like magic. Granted, I know we weren’t like super far gone, you know, in our own where we were. But and then I started using duct tape. Oh my god, that was so hard. Especially when it came to driving in the car. We would drive to my brother’s house. And I when I drove I always take the right lane, it’s faster, then you get in the left lane and you’re in this, um, the turn lane, but it’s not a turn lane. So, you know, people are turning left and you got to sit behind them. So I’m like explaining this every single time we drive to my brother’s house and I’m telling him he needs to get into the right lane. This is my old me, right? You didn’t know. I didn’t know. And of course he never did. He always drove in the lane he wanted to. It made me curious. Um, so I’m like, all right, I’m going to duct tape and just enjoy the ride. And of course he went into the left lane and oh my God, it was like, this like stress came up inside of me, like say something, say something, he’s in the left lane, he needs to go in the right lane. I’m like, nope, I’m not that person anymore. Nope, I am going to duct tape like Laura said, I’m just gonna, I’m focusing on the outcome. We’re getting peacefully to my brother’s house and we did. And on the head, he has no idea that. the internal turmoil that went on inside of me that first time I tried to duct tape. And we got there and I’m like, you know what, we were peaceful, he was kind, we didn’t die, you know. So that was also a nice, you know, test to test out the skills. And then I did not start with self care first, but I started to do more self care. And that was hard because to write down like 20 things that your book recommends was very difficult at first. So I’m like, I don’t know. I do like to take blocks. So that was one thing I did pretty regularly. Then I would like put it off because I had work or something to do. And so I’m like, nope, I’m gonna make, I’m really gonna make it a priority. Before I do anything else, I’m gonna get some self care. And just little by little, just tiny things, pause a little bit longer in my kitchen to watch the hummingbirds eat at the theater. Or I would look up a funny video on YouTube when I felt like I wanted to laugh. Or just these little tiny things that I would take for granted before. Or I’d jump in on a, you know, a big text with my family that I sometimes would avoid because I had work to do. And just reach out and reaching out to people and slowly. Little by little, the self-care started to grow and stack on itself. And I realized like, wow, what a difference having self-care makes in my attitude. The whole cloud, the cloud just went away. Oh, I forgot to mention in the battle days, I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. And I have a, I believe that was a big, the reason I got that disease, which was, kind of like Crohn’s disease in your intestines is because of all the emotional turmoil I was causing myself. And that’s gone, gone. I don’t have symptoms anymore. I feel wonderful. And I honestly think, Laura, it’s because I’ve been working with the skills. I’ve just every day, you know, getting myself self care, going for my walks, praying in the morning, gratitude at night. uh, taking time to have a nap on the couch. Um, you know, sitting down to eat, not running around to eat, but really like sitting down and enjoying my food, uh, calling friends, calling family, just things that really bring me joy. Going back to church. Um, I started doing that. Wow. That really filled my cup. But yeah, I, I don’t have those mood swings. I feel so balanced. I feel so peaceful. And Robert, my husband responds. I can’t. I can’t believe that I was willing to throw that out. I mean, everything came back. I mean, he’s so kind. He’s so generous, so, so generous. Oh my God. I was totally blocking that. I didn’t realize that I was, I just couldn’t receive because I did not feel worthy of it. And when I let him start to give me things, he just wants to give me the world. And he does, he gives me gifts all the time. He, there’s fresh flowers in the house almost every week. He comes home with cute little thoughtful gifts, like the heated blanket. It’s winter time here where I’m at and he comes home with a sweater. He thought I might like, and he texted me just this morning, a picture of the sunrise where he’s at, he’s out of town and he goes, isn’t this beautiful? God did this. He would never ever in the past, like in the previous years. text me a pretty photo of the sunrise or the sunset, because I thought he just didn’t care about that kind of stuff, you know? And here he is like sharing this beautiful, his perspective with me. He’s just so much more open now. He tells me things about childhood and growing up that I’ve never heard in the 14 years that I’ve known him. And that’s all due to I hear you and duct tape and just listening and not having an opinion when… he’s saying something like I used to, you know, I always had to have a feeling about everything he said. Like I had to for some reason, I don’t know where that came from, but I don’t like, and if I don’t like his opinion, I just say, yeah, I hear you, you know, like, I don’t have to agree with it. And, and he feels really heard and respected. And yeah, it’s, we have such deep intimacy, it literally is like one of those romance novels that, and not like Harlequin, I’m like nice. Romance novels. My grandma’s romance novel. You know, like, like Jamie and Claire and Outlander, you know, just, just a man that is protective and they’re like, when we walk on the street now, he’ll go for walks for me before he would never come for walks with me now. Now he’s like Marco for a walk. um he’ll you know he’ll pull me on the inside of the street so that I’m not next to the cars you know that kind of thing so just these the other night we were at our friend’s house and he wanted to stay longer they lived two houses away and uh he and I said you know I’d love to express a pure desire I said you know I’d love to get up early and go to church tomorrow so I’d like to go home and go to bed and he’s like okay and um he’s like I’m I want to stay and I was like that’s fine But he walked me home. I’m two hours away, two doors away at 11 o’clock at night to see me home and kiss me good night. And then he had too much to drink that night. And then he decided he ended up sleeping on the couch because he didn’t want to disturb me. Just extremely thoughtful things that he does all the time, all the time. And you know, he, he like searches me out now. wants to talk to me and be with me, make me laugh. He makes me laugh all the time now. Nothing about him annoys me like it used to. Well, some days, but most days, it’s just, the way he used to make me laugh when we first got together, that’s back. That’s what really brought us together, was our humor in each other. And I lost that. I didn’t realize I had lost myself somewhere along the way. You helped get that back. So I just thank you so much for what you do. and for so many women because it saved my marriage. Beautiful, Kelly, amazing. Saved your marriage and saved yourself like from this, sounds like the depression and the colitis. I mean, that’s pretty impressive that you were able to heal yourself by making, what some could see as small changes in a way in how you. didn’t say anything when he was in the left lane instead of the right lane or just said oh, the flowers and became willing to receive those. Go ahead. Yeah, those small changes, they really add up and they’re just tiny. Of course, I made a lot of mistakes along the way. Actually, I worked with your skills for like two years on my own. They worked when I really stuck to them. There was a point where a lot of things happened all at once in my life. hard things and I lost the skills. I just stopped doing them. I went back to my old habits and things got really bad again. And the colitis got really bad then. And I had some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms. Like I was starting to drink too much and so, you know, isolate myself. And so that’s when I decided like, I remember like, no, you, this works. This works. And I need to. I need to have, I need help from other people. Like I was so used to just doing things on my own and not asking for help. And especially from other women, I’m more, you know, more independent. And so that was to sign up for like going into the coach training and be really around women and embrace that and receive that like that has been, being done, my, the skills have just accelerated a hundred fold because of that group. because of that support. And I’m so glad I did it. I’m so, so glad I did it. Cause I see now my marriage just at this really healthy balanced place. Like all the gears are oiled and working extremely well. And even though I got into some net the other day, I got out of it so quick. Like that’s a huge skill that it’s not like I’m going to be avoiding stress in my life. It’s that when it comes, I know exactly what to do. And I restored the intimacy super quick with my husband because I had been really snippy with him and but I knew exactly what to do. And it worked like I brought myself back down to a really peaceful place and was able to apologize to him. And the rest of the day went beautifully. That is so amazing. I feel like I have some kind of armor on when I go out, you know, not just in my marriage, but just when I go out into the world, I go to work or I just go out shopping or whatever, I go to church. I feel like I have this power that, like a superpower, really, and I know other women talk about that, but yeah, having the skills just, I don’t know how to describe it. You just gotta do it. It’s amazing. I don’t ever, ever want to go back to the way I was. No. Yeah. You used the word invincible once that it was like you’re, yeah, having the skills made you invincible in a way. And I really, I really resonated with me. I hadn’t used that word to describe it before either, but like, like you’re describing the way you’re describing your marriage now, it sounds like a source of strength. Like that’s an area of confidence. Is that what you’re saying? Yes. We are. I go to him now, I’m more vulnerable with him, where before I wasn’t, I just really curl up into myself, but I’ve really learned that if I speak from my feelings, like from my fear, what am I afraid of? He’s there, he’s there. And I feel so close to him and so, so supported and like a team. And he’s my best friend. We were friends for a year before we got married. And he’s so loyal. He’s so, so loyal. And I’ve never stopped trusting him. And well, I did stop trusting him, but he never stopped trusting me, which is amazing to me. The fact that I wavered in my doubt, he never wavered in his for me. And even when I’m accusing him of being homosexual, I never ever felt, which is just amazing. It’s amazing to me that Um, but he was so convinced that he had this faith, right? And somehow I let it, I lost it a little bit. I mean, it would be, it’s very, it could be a very hurtful thing to say to a straight man that, Hey, you might be gay. Yeah. So how has that turned out now? Because do you ever have that fear creep back in? Oh, no, never. Never. Um, To be honest, I still have my own sexual pain points to deal with and I realized that it’s not him, it’s me. And I really dig into my own past about some things. And the more that I address those with the other coaches and just privately with myself and try to work through it with the skills, the more I heal and the more intimate we become. And I think mainly it has to do with, this was something recently that came up with coaching was I had a bad SFP for myself, so a self-fulfilling prophecy that I wasn’t desirable and I was not enough. I’ve got to put on more makeup, I’ve got to be skinnier, I’ve got to be more flirty, I’ve got to be more sexy. for, you know, I am obviously not enough because he’s not, he’s not coming to me. Like I want him to. And it’s interesting, the very night that I came to that realization that my own SFP was blocking me from receiving his receiving him intimately. He came to me. He wanted to, you know, make love to me that night. So that it’s just amazing to me that block that thought. those little thoughts that we have all the time, they either block us or they release us. And the ones that are coming out of fear are gonna block everything that you want in your life. And the ones that are coming out of love are going to open you up to receiving everything. And I think it can be kind of scary when you start to realize that, because when you start to open up, you don’t realize just how much God wants to give you and your husband wants to give you. And it’s a lot. And it can be scary. So you got to take some baby steps, you know? But the more I release that fear and I really like, I really scrutinize every thought that comes into my head all day. Like, is this coming from fear? Is this coming from love? Is this, you know, and then forgiving myself for having those negative thoughts, those toxic thoughts about me or about other people and start sending out. good thoughts to other people and good thoughts to myself and good thoughts to my husband and focus on what I want to see when something’s not happening. That’s such an empowering skill because what you focus on increases like you teach. And it’s so, so true because now I’m like preached all my friends and family if they listen to me about that because it’s been so transformative in my own, not just my marriage, but in my business. in my faith, in just all of my relationships, I can’t tell you, like, almost every single one of my relationships has improved since going through the course and working with your skills, especially with my mother and my sister in law. And, and I, I just, it’s a gift. It’s such a gift. Every day is such a beautiful gift. And, and I get to share that with my husband. And I have like this man and then if God forbid one day, I don’t have them in my life. I feel secure, like not divorce or anything, but just who knows, maybe he’ll pass before me. I have the skills to cultivate, to really nurture a healthy relationship or healthy marriage. I know how to surrender. And it’s an ongoing every day choosing to surrender. But it’s inside of you. It’s not like, okay, this is the right guy or that wasn’t the right guy, it’s part of you and you know it, because you can do it. Right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I especially love this part about your SFP of not being enough and realizing that and then making it a different SFP, Spouse-fulfilling, or Self-fulfilling Prophecy in this case, and having him approach you in a passionate way, right, as you were making that shift. I just love the illustration, how clear that makes it. I just relate to that so much for myself. I just wanted my husband to be more ambitious at work. And what emerged was, oh, when I stopped controlling him, I wrote a bestselling book and started this coaching. Yeah, right? So he was like, hear again. It’s like, actually, I’m feeling like I’m not enough. And as soon as you change that, right? So in some ways, the very things that hold the key. It’s almost like that’s where the gold is to find the thing. And you found that thing. And it’s not for the faint of heart. Like I think it does take a lot of courage for you to do that. So I love that story. I love how you transformed your marriage so dramatically. What would you say to Kelly from before intimacy skills now? What would you want her to know that you know now? Read Laura Doyle. I’ve thought about that. Keep the faith, just pray, ask God what to do. Ask God that he’s got the answer, he’s gonna give it to you. You know, you’ve got a good man and take a look at what you can do, you know, what you can control within your control, that this is a good man. and that there’s tools, there’s tools, I can, there’s skills, I can learn, I can learn how to create a beautiful marriage and everybody can. So yeah, just, yeah, just keep the faith because yeah, I lost it, I lost it a little bit. And what is your tip for a woman who’s feeling like you did where for whatever reason her husband is not pursuing her, she doesn’t feel desired, and she is thinking about divorce and just also maybe, yeah, having some health challenges or feeling depressed. What’s your tip for her? How should she start creating what you’ve created? Well, what worked for me was reading your books. So saturate yourself in what works, which is Laura Doyle. And the community there, whether on Facebook or getting a coach or even just diving in and joining coach training, that was the most transformative experience, best money I ever spent, hands down, would do it again and again and again. That’s my merit, that’s my life. Of course it’s worth every penny. But yeah. Go get some support. You’re not alone. There’s women out there in the same situation. And they will help you. It is going to help. And it’s going to be scary, but you can do it. Because it was scary for me, but it was so worth it. Yeah, it is. It is scary. Yeah, it does take some courage, doesn’t it? It takes some… some bravery. So I’m like, okay, here goes nothing to get where you got. Well, I just commend you so big for choosing that courage, choosing that faith, finding that faith and being open and creating what sounds like an amazing marriage that you have now. It’s an amazing family that you have. Thank you, Laura. Thank you for everything. Yes. I do. I love my life. I love my husband. Fantastic. Well, thanks again for sharing so very personally. It’s so valuable for ending world divorce and creating inspiration and hope. Thank you. If you’re wondering how to get started with fixing your relationship and making it shiny again, then you need a road map. Get six simple steps to follow that will set your relationship up for success. Discover three common mistakes that wives make trying to fix their relationship but just make things worse. When you download my free adored wife road map, you can do that at getcherished.com. Go to getcherished.com now to get your road map in minutes. And now it’s time for the Worst Relationship Advice of the Week award. relationship The advice I find most unforgivable this week comes from one of my certified relationship coaches who heard this from a friend who had been to a top marriage therapist who has no slots available because of his perceived expertise. And the advice is get a big huge calendar to hang up in your room, schedule the nights you will have sex, and then write on the calendar the name of who initiated that night to keep track of who initiates more. I don’t even know where to start with the many reasons this advice is turning my stomach. My husband and I had a good laugh imagining this big, huge sex calendar on the wall in our bedroom. And then we were like, well, why not just hang it in the living room? And maybe we could, you know, put details of exactly what we did. It would be a real conversation starter for guests. And then we went on to think about other rather personal things we could write on the calendar, like our weight and our bank balance. maybe digestive events possibly. Besides being a rather private subject that I would not be super excited to write on a huge wall calendar, what I really wanted back in the bad old days of my marriage was for my husband to desire me to want to make love to me because I was so irresistible. But I was going about it the wrong way and I’m sure would have seized on this calendar idea from this. prestigious marriage counselor had I known about this at the time, because I was so driven by fear and control at that time that this is the kind of thing I was doing. I was telling him you needed to initiate sex. I was saying, hey, we should have sex. You know, you should have sex with me. It’s been a while since we’ve had sex. I mean, I could have gotten a big calendar on the wall to do the talking, by which I mean shaming. for me, but I have a feeling it wouldn’t have created the kind of atmosphere I was really wanting where I’d feel the electricity and get butterflies in my stomach. In my experience, the surest way to kill a moment of passion is to schedule it on the calendar and insist that it happened. In fact, trying to pressure and shame my husband about sex was repelling him. It was pushing him farther away. It wasn’t until I stopped nagging him about sex and stopped nagging him in general and started to be respectful that he was interested in me again physically. And these days, I don’t have to tell him to initiate because he thinks of that himself. And I’m happy to be able to just receive his attention without having to write anything on a calendar or complain to a marriage counselor about what he’s doing or not doing, which never helped either. I don’t have to look at the record to know who’s initiated more. He wins that one hands down. So for that reason, the advice to get a big huge calendar to hang up in your room and schedule the night you’ll have sex and then write on the calendar the name of who initiated that night to keep track of who initiates more is the very worst relationship advice I’ve heard all week. A big shout out to the coach who sent this to me. Thank you, thank you for contributing to the podcast and for spotting this truly terrible advice. Listen and subscribe to the Empowered Wife podcast. Next week, we’ll talk about how to stop compromising and what to do instead. In the meantime, I hope you’re having lots of fun. Today’s fun fact is that yesterday I found out that I do like the office chair I have. right after my husband John put together a new chair that I just ordered.