How to Get Your Husband Back after He Leaves You
Medically reviewed by Marissa Zwetow, LMFTI can’t think of anything more painful or heartbreaking than hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore. Maybe I never did.”
Or “It’s over. I’m in love with someone else.”
Or—maybe even worse—to discover those things without him saying anything.
It’s only human to be angry with him for being such a thoughtless jerk. It’s natural to want him to hurt the way he hurt you.
Unfortunately, there’s no real comfort in making him suffer, even though it’s more tempting than a Cinnabon.
There are, however, specific things you can do to give yourself real relief from that continuous ache and to put your family back together.
You can put everything right again but only if you do things very, very differently than you’ve been doing them.
Everything I’m going to suggest will sound counterintuitive. But these radical measures are what I’ve seen breathe new life into broken marriages for thousands of women in your distressing situation—and what I did to revitalize my own broken marriage.
Here’s exactly how to recover the good you had with your husband in the very beginning:
Contents
1. Suspend his sentence temporarily
Whether he moved out or found someone else or both, that was an incredibly painful betrayal. It was the worst!
I would never diminish how hurtful that is. But he didn’t do it to hurt you. He did it because something was missing in your marriage. You’ve felt it too but didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t either.
He was vulnerable because your marriage lacked oxygen. It doesn’t make it right, it doesn’t make it okay. It just makes him human.
If you can set aside his crime for the moment and stay focused on the worthy goal of saving your marriage, you’ll give yourself a huge advantage.
If you’re having a visceral reaction to this idea right now, it’s not the end of the story. It’s only the beginning, and the story will get much, much better.
Related Article:
2. Get happy
While it may seem impossible when you’re in the most heartbreaking pain of your life, it’s imperative to make yourself ridiculously happy right away.
Do whatever you have to do to make yourself laugh, feel inspired, delighted, self-expressed, alive, and loved by family and friends.
Yes, you’re in shock and grief. It sucks! It feels like your life is on fire, but you can reclaim it by deciding to have some pleasurable moments every day.
I can’t stress this one enough. It’s an indispensable step to reclaiming what’s rightfully yours: a gratifying life with a monogamous, playful, passionate marriage.
You may one day look back and think of that Dickens book that starts, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
It’s already the worst of times. What can you do today to make it the best of times?
3. Keep it short
You probably have lots to say to him, but consider keeping it as short and as sweet as you can.
The longer the conversation, the more likely you’re going down the wrong road.
It may feel strange to keep those critical thoughts to yourself when he seems so richly deserving of hearing about the pain he’s caused you. It may seem only fair to tell him how you’re feeling.
Making the choice to be reserved and dignified in your talks with him will pave the way for a brighter future than complaining–no matter how justified–ever could.
4. Listen big
Instead of telling him how hurt and upset you are, consider being on the quiet side and giving him the space to talk by providing emotional safety—no anger, judgment or tears.
For a whole evening (or at least one hour), just say “I hear you” or “uh-huh,” and nothing else.
One woman did this at her marriage counseling sessions, and her husband said, “I keep waiting for you to interrupt me but you’re not!” She just smiled. It wasn’t long before he moved back home.
5. Clean up your side of the street
You have been wronged, and he’s the one who’s behaving badly. But there’s enormous power in inspecting your side of the street for messes you regret and want to clean up.
Look for ways you were critical or controlling. Say, “I apologize for being disrespectful when I…”
Watch your dignity return.
6. Get pleasable
If your husband tries to make you happy in any way, big or small (and in my experience, he will), do your best to receive the gesture and convey your pleasure at his efforts.
You deserve those efforts, and he’ll feel good knowing he was able to please you.
7. Thank him
With so much going wrong, it will feel strange to look for what’s going right. But if you thank him—for continuing to pay the mortgage, for picking up the kids, for asking how you are—you’ll be focusing on the things you want instead of the things you don’t. And what you focus on increases.
8. Skip marriage counseling
I dragged my husband to marriage counseling thinking the counselor would fix him so I could finally be happy. It didn’t work. No couple ever got happier by complaining about each other for an hour a week.
That doesn’t mean you have to navigate this breakdown by yourself. Instead, get a relationship coach who has been in your situation and made her marriage playful and passionate again to guide you.
9. Smile at him
He’s going to expect anger or tears. What if you freaked him out by smiling when he sees you?
You may not feel like he deserves your smile, but what if this were more about you than him anyway? What if you manifested your commitment to having a happy life, regardless of what your husband is doing?
If he asks why you’re so happy, you can acknowledge that his recent decision reminded you that life is short and you decided to pay more attention to your happiness. He won’t think you’re happier without him so much as he will notice how attractive you are when you’re smiling.
10. Stay off the fence
There will be days when you think it’s not worth it or that it’s hopeless and stupid to try to save your marriage. When your husband says he is done, of course you’ll get discouraged, but your vision of being a happy couple is worthwhile and possible.
When you find yourself on the fence about your marriage, find the people in your life who support your vision and let them remind you to jump onto the side of love.
11. Flirt with him
Flirting signals that you feel attractive. You might feel far from that, but here’s a shortcut for getting back there.
Bring your playful self to your interactions with him.
Send a silly text. Do your happy dance. Laugh when he’s funny, and reference the inside jokes you share.
Flirt and you’ll trick yourself into feeling confident instead of insecure. Feeling confident is the same as being confident.
12. Make every meeting a date
If you see him—even if it’s at the divorce attorney’s, the marriage counselor’s, or just to hand off the kids—pretend it’s a date.
Dress up and doll up. Let him open the door and thank him with a sweet smile. Have some fun with it.
13. Seduce him
This is your husband we’re talking about, so even if he’s being intimate with someone else, he’s yours, not hers.
You might be tempted to retaliate by locking him out of the bedroom, but when you’re trying to restore intimacy why not start with physical intimacy? It’s a great springboard.
14. Get Cheerleaders
You probably know plenty of people who will tell you to throw the bum out or figure out where all the assets are in preparation for a divorce.
But every great come-from-behind-and-win-the-game story has cheerleaders. You’ll need yours too. Find the friends, coach or chat group that supports your vision.
I, for one, am cheering for you not only to save your marriage but to make it magical again.
I’m not saying it will be easy, but it will be worth it to feel desired, cherished, and adored by your husband again.
591 replies on “How to Get Your Husband Back after He Leaves You”
Not all marriage Counselors are bad. Some of them give the exact same advice you do. You should quit lumping them all together just because you had a bad experience.
Lore, Most people don’t know that a study at UCLA showed that 75% of couples who went to traditional marriage counseling were separated within a year. Marriage counselors are good people that want to help couples have better relationships, but the structure of marriage counseling–complaining about each other for an hour a week, waiting for the counselor to fix the other person, saying disrespectful things in front of a stranger–is dysfunctional and does a lot of harm, unfortunately.
My husband and I separated in September in the sense we didn’t live together but still had a relationship in the sense of intimacy and I’d go to his cook stay over with our daughter last Monday he told me it was over and hes been talking to an old friend he’s kissed her he says he still loves me but he felt the trust is gone and that something has went and is carrying on a relationship with this girl I’m devastated I just want my husband back!
Samantha, That is devastating! I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through in your marriage. There’s absolutely hope that you can restore your family and make your marriage great again. I don’t know how much you know about The 6 Intimacy Skills, but given the situation I suggest you consider taking two actions ASAP. First, get the book, The Empowered Wife, and then apply for a complimentary discovery call to uncover the best move for your relationship at the link below. This may be the breakdown before the breakthrough. You can do it, Samantha!
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
My husband left me 6 months ago for another woman. 3 weeks ago he called me telling me he missed me, loves me and wants to work out our marriage. I told him I dont know and then it came out that i was talking to someone else. He flipped outgot mad and said he didnt want to live anymore. He said he also went to the hospital bc he had a small heart attack. Well that next day his sister called me and told me that he loves me and couldn’t picture his life without me. I thought about it and I decided to try to work it out and me and our daughter moved back in. Well after 3 weeks he came home and told me that this other woman might be pregnant and he doesnt want to be with me anymore. He said this girl makes him happy and he loves her. A few days later he wrote a text message to me and his family saying that he loves this girl and she makes him happy. The text he sent everyone also said pretty much that everyone hates him for what he is doing to me and that he doesnt want to live anymore. He didnt hurt himself thank god. But he is doing this because this other woman doesnt want to be with him bc she found out that he had sex with other women while they were talking. And this woman might be pregnant. I’m so confused and I dont know what to do anymore. I love him and I cant believe he has done all this and put our daughter through all of this. By the way I am 31 and his is about to be 36. We have been together for 15 years and married for 10. Please help me get some understanding of this. Thank you
My husband of 30 years left me 2 months to be with the woman he’s been having an affair with. He says he’s in love with her but cares for me. He said that we’d never get back together because we can’t get along but the week before he left he told me he was happy to start over with me. I just want my husband back but I don’t think it’ll happen
Jennifer
Jennifer, that is devastating. I’m sorry you’re going through such a heartbreaking shock. I can see why you’d feel hopeless. I remember the days when I needed a miracle to fix my marriage. To paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen around here, they happen all the time! Apply for a free Relationship Assessment to explore how private coaching would fit for you so you can save your marriage: lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
I really want my husband back. 6 months ago my husband left me and his children ,left the family home. He said he dont love me no more we were married for 10 years and hes already filed for a divorce I’m so heartbroken my children are heartbroken .I’m so.confused he just woke up one day and said hes done 😭😭😭 I just want to hug him and kiss him but he dont want me to go by him or touch him
Katie, this is absolutely heartbreaking. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. I remember the days when I needed a miracle to fix my marriage. To paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen around here, they happen all the time!
As the wife, you have enormous power to save your marriage, in my experience. Get a coach so you can stop feeling confused and heartbroken, and start feeling desired, taken care of and special! Here’s the waitlist so you can get the support to turn this around:
https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/
Hi Samantha!
I was wondering how your situation turned out? I’m experiencing a similar situation in my own marriage…
I want my husband back
Hi Laura I’m currently separated from my husband about a month now but still live together it’s just not the same. we’ve been married for almost 5 years he told me he doesn’t feel the same that we both need to let go and find someone else. He tells me he really cares about me but doesn’t feel the love I feel devastated and hurt we have one child and another on the way he is distant from me at night when he wants to have intimacy he comes to me saying how’s the baby and takes it from there but after he has this frustrated face takes a deep breath and just turns around and I get close to him and I ask him did you like it etc he tells me with a serious voice yes and take another deep breath and tells me this is wrong don’t think we’re getting back together etc. I don’t know what to do I feel use but I love him
Karen, that sounds very painful. I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling used. I admire your vulnerability in reaching out for support and your commitment to saving your marriage. I too felt more like we were roommates who had lost the love than husband and wife. I’m so glad I didn’t give up because today I have the marriage of my dreams. If I can turn things around, I know you can too! I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call at https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.
Hello Laura I separated with my husband two years a go,have four kids with him who want to see their father what should I do?
Schola, That is heartbreaking and stressful! I know you just want to be a happy wife, but first, you have to fix your marriage, and right now it feels like it’s falling apart because of the separation. You shouldn’t have to have your family torn apart like that. That’s not right. That’s why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women fix their relationships. We can help you too. So get a coach so you can stop feeling lonely, overwhelmed, and stressed and start feeling taken care of, desired, and special again. You can apply for a complimentary call with a dedicated team member to explore if private coaching is right for you here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Me and my husband are seperated have been for a month and he has said we are done amd he doesnt want to get back together and we are still living together and we hug each other before he goes to work and before we both go to bed and have stayed close friends still. I am hoping that me and my husband can work this out stay married.
Lauryn,
Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing what’s going on. That sounds so hard. I want to acknowledge your vulnerability and hear your desire to transform your marriage.
I invite you to join the waitlist for my Ridiculously Happy Wife program here. This is a great way to have access to a certified relationship coach, a secret FB group, online training, and all the bonuses so you can learn and practice the exact steps that attract husbands, fiancés, and boyfriends back and make the relationship playful and passionate again. We see a lot of miracles in the program!
I am sutting in the same dutuation husband moved out he is away fro me for 1year and 5 months but he wants to enter my life like he is still the husbands last week he collect more stuff of him and what makes me do angry that his mother and farther help for the second time to collect his clothes. He is 45 and me 42 i dont talk or chat with him now for a full week. What should i do ????
Belinda, I’m sorry you’re going through this separation. That sounds so painful. And here you are learning how to save your marriage–I admire your commitment! I remember not knowing what to do to fix my relationship, and it was lousy. We can help you turn things around. Request a free Relationship Assessment call to see how it would fit for you to get the coaching support to get the relationship you deserve:
lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
I respect Laura’s statement.. I had known since last 1-2 yrs r marriage wasn’t happy..I tried two counsellors one who took 6 sessions for me..and u know what she told me also to be quite and indifferent as he was…secondly it’s more of complaining..and over the counter before filing for divorce when he met her she advised him there is basic differences in ur thinking..later when I called her she said its better to be separated for u two…screwed up my life myself…and he says to d judge we tried to save r marriage by going to counsellor..I digged a whole for myself..other counsellor tried to take a weekend to discuss problems and u know I was waiting for Sunday..and it was a bad day..
Madhavi, I’m sorry to hear that marital counseling was so destructive to your marriage. It’s heartbreaking to have that outcome when you were doing everything you could to save your marriage. I’m happy that you found an alternative here. Regardless of your current marital status, I have a free webinar that will empower you never to have to go through that again. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
I can understand that there are many marriage counselor that may not be great… But ours is. Rather than allowing us to point fingures at each other and talk about the Crisis of the week, we go through a process and reflect about our selves rather than pointing at our partner and it has really helped our multi racial cultural marriage to be honest and valnurable.
Heidi, I’m happy you’ve found a counselor that works for you! I don’t think they’re all bad. But so many of my clients have come to me desperate when all else has failed and, sadly, counseling is often the last nail in the coffin of their marriages. Fortunately, my clients have been able to save their marriages even after separation by practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills. If you’re curious how these Skills could support what you’re learning with your counselor, I invite you to check out my free webinar How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Hello Laura,
My husband left 3 weeks ago, last weekend I confirmed he’s with another woman, it’s horrible, he has not told me he’s with someone else. A few months ago he started saying that the love between us was over and he didn’t have any feeling or feel attracted to me anymore. We had a bad argument the day he left. We have 2 adorable kids, I need help! I read your advise but need more , please help me save my marriage we have been together for 14 yrs and I don’t want to loose everything he have built together … thanks you
Anett, that is horrible. I’m sorry you’re going through the pain of your husband leaving and being with another woman. I acknowledge you for your vulnerability and commitment to your marriage.
I always say that a wife with the Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress any day of the week and twice on Sundays. That’s because what I see again and again is that women who learn and practice the 6 Intimacy Skills attract their husbands back.
I know you can get him back and reconcile your family. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
What can I do to make my husband forget his feelings with his mistress ? They were both I love with each other and broke it up 4 months into the relationship. Please help, I need to hear from you ladies .
My husband reconnected with his high school sweetheart after 20 years of marriage (and 3 kids) to me! It was devastating!! After being with her for a month, behind my back, he told her he was going to divorce me and marry her. He even admitted our marriage was a “10”…but when he was with her it was “100”. It’s like he was in a trance! He actually went to a marriage counselor with me because he felt like he owed it to me. I did not kick him out of the house because I knew I had to fight to keep him. We actually had a great marriage counselor that did not shame him, so he kept going. It was not a typical counseling session because I remained quiet and just listened to their dialogue…I knew he was gone mentally. Anything negative I said would just drive him out the door quicker. I prayed hard and memorized scripture to say over and over to myself as I went through the worst anxiety ever!! I want to emphasize how me NOT criticizing him caused him to remain attracted to me….to stay connected by a thread….enough to keep our marriage. We are now at 27 years of marriage. It has been a long road of healing, but my husband was regretful and patient to continually rehash events the first couple of years. The “other woman” got remarried, but they were still texting each other. Her husband informed me! My husband thought he had a right to stay friends with her by text only…as long as they did not see each other. Crazy male thinking! That almost ended our marriage…again…but we worked through that. Time will tell. I gave up the questions of wondering if he still thinks of her. All I know is he is with ME…after all the mess. I am so glad NOT to be single. My husband is a good man, father, and provider. I know he loves my by his actions. Laura’s principles work! After all this, I definitely struggle with insecurity. I am confident…”I fake it until I make it”…and work daily on my self care. My husband can’t be the center of my universe…that is God’s job.
Very inspiring, ,Bari! Thank you!
This is what I needed to read. I am fighting hard to save my marriage and I have been pulling back from being that “nagging” wife…letting him take charge. He is slowly stepping up to the plate which has been my point of contention for so long. We have an uphill battle but it is so worth it for me.
God is great!!!
I completely agree!
Exactly what I have experienced. It did more harm. I missed the opportunity to fix it by dragging him to the counsellor. Very sad.
My wife left me a week and a half ago. She came home from work, told me she wasn’t happy and after a tearful conversation, she left. I found out a few days later that she’s been seeing someone else for a few months. She keeps saying she loves me and cares about me and that I’m the best person she’s ever known, but that I don’t deserve to be with someone who isn’t happen. What I want to say to her is that she wasn’t in love with me when we met, so why can’t she fall in love with me again? This is killing me. She’s my best friend and I never in a million years would’ve imagined us ending, especially this way. I don’t know what to do. I just want her home. I miss her so much. What do I say to her to convince her to fight for us? This just doesn’t make any sense. This isn’t right.
Hi Laura. I need help. My husband and I have been married 35 years. He is 63; I’m 60. He left the marriage 2 years 8 months ago. Don’t know where he lives; says he lives with a guy friend but I believe he is seeing and/or living with someone new. We talk every day, because I initiate the calls and contact. I beg, I cry, I plead. Says he doesn’t love me, has no desire to be with me. Ask if he wants a divorce, he says he doesn’t know what he wants but he doesn’t want to be with me and will never go back. I’m terribly broken. We were supposed to be planning our retirement and now I am alone with nothing. I want him back. I want my marriage back and I want him to love me again. Is there any hope with him being gone for almost three years. Please be honest. I can’t waste any more of my life. Thank you.
My ex wife made me go to a counselor. Part of our separation agreement said that I had to go to a counselor. When I told him I wanted to go back to her he yelled at me. Not violently, but enough to shock me. I was taking another woman somewhere and decided I wanted to share it with my wife instead. The trip would have been about year after I left.
When we were first splitting up she said she knew what to do, she just couldn’t do it. “They told me to do nothing.” All I could think was that it would make it easier to leave. Every time I would think about returning she would fight with me or make me come pick something up that she wanted out of the house. Eventually everything I owned was at my girlfriend’s condo.
I am not saying that there was too much to move and it was too much of a bother to come back, but everything was the opposite of your article. The flirting, she said she couldn’t stand to look at me. She did when she was yelling at me. She does thank me, that is when I sway the opposite direction. Listening, no. I tried to tell her about a dream. I couldn’t get a word in. At least she isn’t constantly cutting me down now. She once said that I was the worst thing to ever happen to her. She has since retracted that statement, but I can’t forget it.
Thinking I am the worst thing to ever happen to her is where I usually come to my senses and think it would never work. I have written hundreds of emails to her, I just never hit send. I guess it is how I deal with it. Today I’m doing that here. I love her and I still see her face when I dream, but there has been so much vitriol and cynicism over the past five years I just don’t think we can recover.
But if you want him to come back, don’t make it hard to come back. The infatuation wears off in a year. two tops. You can’t hurry that, you can just push him away.
This is anonymous, so I am going to hit send today.
Agreeeeee
Hi my husband of 18 years has been very cold and he gets annoyed at me for no reason. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he doesn’t love me. That the only reason he married it was out of guilt of sleeping with me. Three years ago he cheated with an older lady. 10 years ago we also lost a son which he blames me for his passing. Any advice.
I have tried so hard for almost 3 years to be his friend and Laugh and smile and here him tell me he loves this other woman and his going to mary her and the never really fight and on the in side of me I won’t to scream and cry because my heart is hurting so dam much I just won’t him back its killing me
Hi Laura….I agree. It did nothing for my former husband and I other than fuel my husband’s will to deceive the counsellor. The counsellor told me that if I remained in the marriage, it would be a constant up-hill battle. 9 years later, I filed for divorce because of emotional and verbal abuse. Now, five years later, we reunited with our daughters for a four day visit and there was chemistry. There was resolution, reconciliation, understanding and realizations that we both have come to, making me secure with wanting to try again. But I’m worried and scared that he may not want the same outcome. We’re still both single and as I reassured him, the divorce was not because I stopped loving him. I always have. We live 2500 miles apart and the distance has provided a safe haven for us and our children to heal. And I want to remain distant…It isn’t an issue to travel back and forth for us as we live in Canada and the USA….when the borders are clear of COVID and travel testing is no longer a deterrent. Your wisdom is appreciated!!
Alexandria, you shouldn’t have had to hear such discouraging words from the very person you reached out to for support! How painful to go through abuse and divorce anyway. Congratulations on reconciling! I can see why you’re worried he may not want the same thing as you. As the wife, you have enormous power to save your relationship, in my experience. Get a coach so you can stop feeling afraid and start having the relationship you’ve always wanted!
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Laura, I heard about you from The Deen show. I need help, l moved out of my husband’s city to figure out my medical stuff. My husband wants a divorce. I suffered from PTSD and acted crazy but l was also very unhappy.
How can l get my husband back when he won’t talk to me or come to see me? All he does is get upset put me down and tell me how better things are bc lm not there! Feel like throwing in the towel, we have only been married a year and he says the disorganization was the worse year of his life. I’m happier, healthier and l know what l want out of marriage. How do l convince him l have changed and get another chance?
Safiyaa, you’ve clearly been through so much. I’m sorry to hear that he wants a divorce and won’t see or talk to you, which is so painful. You shouldn’t have to be put down by your own husband either. That’s not right. I still remember thinking my marriage was hopeless and being too lost to try, which is why my coaches and I have helped thousands of women fix their relationships, even after he said he was done. We can help you too! Get a coach so you can stop wasting time feeling sad, lonely and hopeless and start feeling desired, taken care of and special! You can apply for a free Relationship Assessment here: lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Laura, coming from a woman dealing with a separation and working things out with my husband, I would have to agree with you 100%! I have MANY friends that have divorced over the last decade AFTER speaking with a marriage counselor. We also have friends who skipped the marriage counseling and were able to work things out on their own and they are still together, happily, to this day. My husband and I just decided to work things out and that our marriage is worth saving and we have the support of our married friends and that is it. No counselor because like you said, it is counter-productive to discuss personal issues and expect some stranger to sort things out in OUR marriage. Please pray for us, we are The Stidhams. I love my husband more than anything and I know he loves me too. Life, finances, work, children etc has taken it’s toll on our marriage. He moved to his mothers about a week ago and we just spoke for the first time since he left. Both of us in tears and both of us still very much in love. I am grateful I read this before we spoke. Because as I listened I realized that he felt that he failed our marriage because we have struggled so much over the last few years. Long story short, we were able to have somewhat of a break through and I am thankful to you for that.
Tommie, congratulations on being the expert on your own life and seeking the kind of support that really works for you. I love hearing about your breakthrough and, at the same time, am sorry you’re struggling. This sounds so painful.
I’m glad you reached out for support. I just kicked off a FREE 5-Day Adored Wife Challenge yesterday. Please join us so you can repair your marriage!
https://lauradoyle.org/5day-challenge
Hello Laura…me and my husband been married 9 yrs and together 14 yrs…My husband just recently left it will be a week tomorrow…I know that’s not very long but I miss him like crazy…There has been this other woman that he recently reconnected with 19 yrs ….He said they were once in the military together…I did ask what there relationship was in the past but I was told that it was nothing and that there is nothing for me to worry about….He has been talking to her for a few months now…I noticed a change in his behavior back in August of this year…I knew something was different….she started communicating with him through Facebook….My husband started keeping a lock on his phone something that he had not done in a very long time…One night he left his phone unlocked and I feel so wrong and so bad for going through his phone but my gut feeling kept telling me something wasn’t right…I know I shouldn’t of went through his phone but I did find messages from this other woman and I decided to send her one telling her to stop trying to entise and come on to my husband but of course she responded as if she didn’t care..I confronted him about it…He just got upset told me it was nothing and to stop going through his phone…He has had an affair before yrs ago that he confessed too and I forgave him and moved on but I found myself bringing it back up when we would get into an argument…so once I found out about this other woman recently I feared it would happen again…He tells me he loves me but I still feel like he is missing something…we have children but they are both from our past marriages a18 yr old son a 23 yr old daughter and a 6 yr old grandaughter whom he adores so much…Back in Sept of this yr he left to go out of town…He mentioned one of his family members need his help to help them move but the whole time his was gone he would not respond to any of my phone calls or text messages…When he came back he told me he lost his job before he left that I had no clue off but I knew it something else was bothering him so again I got through his phone and seen pictures and found out the girl that he reconnected with came to see him and he had an affair with her while he was out of town…I didn’t find out until after he was home for two weeks and it seems like every since then things been downhill…we have already invested money into a vacation…I also found out that this women has been transferring money into his account…I came home from work a few days ago to find out he had up and left…All that he took was most of his clothes and shoes…I did speak with him recently but he told me that he needed a change and he loves me but he hurt has hurt me enough but I think it’s this other women…He sounds and seems so confused…I have been crying off and on for a week now…I’m so hurt and I miss him so much…sorry so long but what do I do?
MLF, Of course you’re hurt! Anybody would be brokenhearted in your situation. I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through.
I know it must seem very hopeless right now, but I see reasons to be hopeful that your marriage can be saved and your relationship can be better than it’s probably been for 13 years. This is a wakeup call, and you have so much power to heal this breakdown. You can attract him back to you and you alone. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to decide if working with one of my certified coaches would be right for you. You can apply here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hello
My husband leaves me about 9 month
He doesn’t want to see me about 4 months
I beg him phone him but he doesnt want to get back
Your advises is useful when I can see and leave with him
He says I want to get a girl friend
I love him and my life
Please guide me
What can I do in this situation?
Rozha, I hear your pain and admire your beautiful vulnerability and commitment. So many of my clients have come to me after their husbands left. After they start practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, what I see over and over again is that he comes back. Mistress or no mistress–and sometimes even after a divorce–a woman with the Intimacy Skills is irresistible! If these women can do it, you can too. I’ll give you the tools in my free upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
My husband served me papers August 4 , been working on the road a lot! And don’t try too hard too spend time with me. He was here 5 days , 22 days ago. Went to Chicago to work and then deer hunting in Wisconsin for a week. He don’t have a job in LA there was too happen and he would come home this week for 1 1/2 day. And then would have been gone 17 days, and hopeful home for Christmas.
He called today saying he is staying at his moms house till after Christmas! And going hunting again next 6 days!
I broke down asking him why and plz come home for Christmas , or we go over there!
Tinna, I’m sorry to hear about your husband serving you papers and that he’s now refusing to come home for the holidays. You must miss him terribly. I really admire your commitment to your marriage.
All my efforts to get my husband to spend time with me backfired miserably. Until I learned the 6 Intimacy Skills, that is, which gave me the tools to attract him back. Now he wants to spend time together, and I feel desired, cherished and adored.
I want that for you too! I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/.
My husband left me for another women I seen it on all social media and I want her gone
You should be grateful for the lovely manner and the warm in her words while trying to help. Seems like you only read the part about counseling, meaning you probably don’t have any marriage problems. Otherwise you certainly have paid attention to other details.
Hi you are a very happy beautiful lady that I wish to be myself. I’ve been married for 15 years and Im 35. We have a history of everyone trying to break us apart even ourselves. I love him and i dont feel that way about anyone else. But so much what you call “crime” we both have commuted over the years. During a past breakup it got so bad that he used his family against me. Which they were more then happy to be apart of, considering they all each are divorced and single, so they don’t really show an example of what a happy couple looks like. Im going to cut right to the problem im faced with. He always runs to his grandmother’s and she got a antiharrasment order against me and even though ive never disrespected her she hates me for reasons due to many that ive never wished or acted on to have anyone hate me, nor am I the kind of person shes made me out to be. There is mental illness in the family and even my husband maybe even myself when I think about everything and i still love him and want to work it out. But I don’t know what to do when I see him I know he loves me wants to be with me but he also is a pleaser and wants to please the bitter women in his family that all their hard work making up lies for him to get away with ever having to reveal his secret 2nd life, having me arrested for hearsay that i was breaking the order even when I have proof dosent matter I go to jail. They even control his money he makes or seeing his kids. And ive seen and heard how they guilt and beg him not to go back home that they need him ECT.
(Thankyou for reading all this)what steps am I supposed to take? Or are there any? Well I am going to be working very strongly on the ones you’ve already given, but wondered if you had anything else to list in my situation. Thankyou for your time. R.K.
After 19 years together 9 married and 4 beautiful boys my husband has told me he no longer feels ‘that way’ about me anymore.
He left 3 weeks ago to stay in a hotel but has been looking for his own house now.
We have drifted apart over the last few years and yes I’ve lost sight of our relationship as I’ve been so focused on the kids but I never thought it was leading to this.
I bought the empowered and read it instantly. I’ve took on board all the 6 skills and would love the opportunity to use them but I don’t see how when he’s completely adamant that he’s done. He knows I want to fight to save marriage but he says there’s no point, we’re past that
Jen, that sounds so heartbreaking. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. You should not have to hear such devastating words from your husband. I remember the days when I needed a miracle to fix my marriage. To paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen around here, they happen all the time! I invite you to get a coach so you too can fix your marriage.
I went to marriage counselling with my husband who is iranian, and I am english, we have 11 good but very challenging years together, but our values were off-key to eachother, but we had a girl of 4, and an 18 month old baby at the time – he said he would listen to Relate and heed their advice – their advice after 4 months and reviewing it on the board where they get together to discuss our individual case, decided that the advice would be that parted. This is antithetical to the reasons why I went there in the first place. I lost my home. I lost everything, and found myself unable to work due to the fact that 2 care packages for my children would cost me £2k a month! I was abandoned….and there are many more people who have mixed marriages who fall in love, and find themselves in a relationship where they are entirely different people, but could get through things – isnt that why we attend the session in the first place? So, no. I do not support marriage counselling.
Jane, that must have been devastating. It sounds absolutely heart-wrenching to have lost everything, especially when that’s the antithesis of why you went to marriage counseling in the first place! That makes me so angry.
I think I hear you asking whether there’s still hope. In my experience working with thousands of women, there is still hope for reconciliation, including in a mixed marriage, even after separation or divorce. To paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen around here, they happen all the time! I bet you’re ready for your miracle and hope you will join us in the Ridiculously Happy Wife.
Well said. My wife and I went to one at her request a couple years back. I was never so near filing divorce as I was after that one and only visit. I had never even considered it before that day. Thankfully my wife saw it on my face and heard it in my voice when we spoke after and agreed to never go back. That would have ruined our marriage for sure. Going thru another rough spot since fathers day. She took the habit of moving to my daughter’s whenever things should instead be buckled down and dealt with. I’ve expressed how much I dislike that course of action, as there is no violence or cheating going on. It’s a safe envirment for both of us at home and I can’t help but take offense at her leaving as most of my problem anyway, is that is that she works the night shift in ER and sleeps all day which of course is necessary to rest well, but never enough time off to catch up with rest so I can have her full attention to romance her, take her out to dinner or a movie, rent a hotel room just for a night of fun, etc. We are together 34 years. 4 grown kids, 6 grandkids. Just the 2 of us and ready for the next chapter in our life. I sure wish she was as interested in the romance as I am. Both worked hard and waited all these years for this time to come. I sure wish we both felt the same. She would see stars and fireworks if only I were given the chance ti do so.
Pete, thank you for sharing your experience. How beautiful that you want to show your wife stars and fireworks, if only you had the chance. It does sound rough, especially when she leaves. Here is a blog post for men. We are standing for you and your marriage!
I can totally get this – if you still love your partner – and yes it is extremely difficult to do when we feel hurt and want to retaliate. Great advice.
I have read many articles and this one makes sense! I’m trying these steps … I know a long road ahead but this gives me hope!
Any progress Katy? It’s been 3 wks my husband told me he wants a divorce and isn’t in love with me. Says he’s been unhappy for years 🙁 we have 3 young children.
Shayna, Sorry to hear about the heartbreak in your marriage. Sounds painful. This could be the breakdown before the breakthrough for you though. You can make your marriage great again. It’s not too late. I’d love to see you get some support and have a safe place to process all that this must be brining up for you. Consider a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move you could make for your relationship. You can apply here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Laura, my husband left almost 10 weeks ago, he says he loves me but is not in love with me. I am doing most of the things your recommend except the sex(we are just not there right now, although we were having regular sex up until 2 days before he left). He says he has been numb and unhappy for years but fell out of love with me 4 months before he left. I am so confused, he comes to get the kids, stays for a cuppa and a chat, asks me about my life, tells me about his, asks for advice about things. He laughs and jokes with me he wants to do things like change the light bulb that blew or charge my car battery because it was flat(even though I DONT ASK HIM TO DO ANY OF THIS). but he still maintains that he doesn’t want to be with me. he also swears that there is no one else, although I’m not sure if I believe him.
I am going to counseling for myself to change some of the negative behaviors that I contributed to the marriage, and am doing things to make me happy and less stressed in life in general.
Tam, Sorry to hear about your recent separation. Very painful! Your husband wants to feel needed and it sounds like you’ve been very capable and independent. I can so relate because I did the same thing in my marriage and also went to counseling, but that only made things worse in our case. You can make your marriage great again. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best next move for your marriage.
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hey Shayna,
I’m wondering how your relationship as turned out because I’m in the same boat now. My husband left a week ago. We have 2 small children and one on the way. He told me he didn’t love me anymore, don’t want me and he wanted a divorce! I did the whole begging and pleading became needy face to face and through text message. I’m starting today to try these steps above but wondering how your relationship turn out.
What happened in your relationship? I’m here right now
Laura, I appreciate your selflessness. However, if he is not able to communicate his needs and goes elsewhere, I am not sure this is the kind of man I would want to be married to. I feel that if he comes to the realization on his own that you are the “love of his life” great, if not, then it is his loss and it is time to read the tea leaves and move on. The main thing is to keep it civil and let him come to his own conclusions.
Susan, I see what you mean. In my experience, the only reason a good guy cheats is because he hasn’t been respected, and respect is like oxygen for men. It’s not that he didn’t communicate his needs–it’s usually that she didn’t know what respect looks like because nobody ever showed her. So they both suffer and this is one of the tragic outcomes. But it can all be put right and it’s so worth it to learn the Intimacy Skills. It’s a beautiful thing, actually. It starts with acknowledging your own contribution to the breakdown.
Laura, what would be your advice to a husband whose wife cheated on him. She says she did not feel respected. But, he now wants her back.
Kitt, I’m not sure what the question is. My experience is all I have to share and that is of being a wife, so I’m not well-equipped to help men.
Hi I’ve been married for 6yrs our anniversary was on march 7th but been together for 7. We have a 4yr old daughter and I have a 10yr old step son. Our marriage has been rocky he’s saying its bad I don’t think it was that bad.through our marriage he has said u want a divorce when we argue or say I’m unhappy or stop controlling me stop holding grudges to my mom or family..we would argue over stupid little things like he wants people over I don’t want no one over.. But now over like 2 months I’ve noticed he’s acting different always texting on his phone put a password on it..dressing nicer,staying out all night/morning after he gets off work.. Only comes home for like a hr.. I’m the one that is always with the kids.then one night he was sleeping and he got a text it was a girl texting him I wrote her saying leave my husband alone..she said we’re just friends he would still be intimate with me but not like usual then one day last Friday that girl called me and told me I’m tired of being called a homewrecker etc.. But she said they been seeing each other for over a month and had sex multiple times?. she said he told her he’s leaving me which he did say that in our last argument a month ago. But never moved out. I confronted him he said I’ve been faithful to you this passed 6yrs tell now I wanted out along time ago but stayed cause we had a baby together. You pushed me away I told you I was unhappy and you didn’t care and I’m sorry I cheated on you this wasn’t supposed to happen. He said he’s not leaving me for her he wanted to leave cause our rocky marriage. I told him I forgive you I’m trying to be a better person for the last 3months going to counseling, getting along with your family. He said I see but it’s to late. He said he wants his own place own rules etc.. He hasn’t been home for 3 days haven’t packed anything.I cant afford our place myself so tomorrow I’m putting my 20 day notice. He had dinner at his moms she said there talk was good he said mabey me and our daughter can move in with him later.. But we he came home last night to get work clothes he looked at me like he wanted to kill me. I told him I still have hope,I’m still committed to our marriage. Please help me cause right now Ive been in depression and suicide thoughts.?
Cassandra, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s affair and the separation, having to move. I can see why you’re so distraught! I was once hopeless about my marriage too. There is still hope for your marriage though, and I admire that you reached out here for support. I know that takes courage. I’d love to see you get more support. You’re not the only one going through this, and there are many women in your situation creating a better marriage with the Intimacy Skills. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches is right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I am wondering if any of this would work if someone has a husband that is – self proclaimed – selfish and lazy. And chronologically in his sixties. Thank you for your reply.
TC, It would and it does! Here’s a video of a man in his late fifties whose wife had just started using the Intimacy Skills describing how it was for him. Warning: He gets emotional!
http://lauradoyle.org/blog/fixing-my-marriage/
Hi Laura, thank you so much for all your blog posts, and the the helpful content you lost. I read this post though it wasn’t relevant to me, in case I picked up a good tip anyway.
I am in a happy relationship with my husband; I am generally a happy person, I receive his gifts graciously, he is very considerate of me, and there is passion and playfulness in our relationship (even with two very young kids). Our only issue is that I am not great at communicating. I try to communicate vulnerably if something concerns/hurts/scares me, and at times it has gone really well. Other times, it has gone badly. I apologised and realised that I interrupt a lot in a loving moment, which he thanked me for. I said I was sorry and that I would try to stop, and to please bear with me. He was loving and thanked me. My issue is: I just have a hard time communicating my feelings in a framework of respect for my husband, regulating my emotions and not getting into an argument. Do you have any posts or resources on communicating vulnerably? This is our only ‘problem’ area; once we are past the problem, both of us make an effort to get back to our happy, loving, passionate place, but the arguing does definitely create a…’bad taste’, and an initial rupture to the relationship. I am concerned as I want to learn how to communicate my concerns with my husband in a way that leaves him feeling respected. Do you have any ideas please, Laura? Thank you for all you do 🙂
W, Congratulations on your happy relationship! I give you all the credit for that ;-). As far as learning to communicate vulnerably, you would find my book The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband?s Time, Attention, and Affection for Life really valuable. You can also read a blog about it here:
http://lauradoyle.org/blog/being-vulnerable-in-a-relationship/
Laura, thank you for your reply. I just purchased the audio book of The Empowered Wife. Wishing you all the best, Laura. Thanks for the congrats. Your principles have a lot of basis in my religion (I am Muslim). The Surrendered Wife is recommended by some of our community leaders 🙂 Congratulations on your marriage and your meaningful work, Laura 🙂
Thanks, W! I appreciate the encouragement.
I will try. Thanks.
Thank You.
Thank you so much Laura. I have recently been introduced to your work and have read every blog post on this page, you are helping me more than anything else I have read.
My husband is looking for a job right now so it’s not really possible to buy and read your book in secret yet but I am still practicing your principles from info I have found in the Web, I really really look forward to reading all your books..
I would be so grateful of you could offer me a little advice in the meantime. I have a 3 month old baby and found out my husband was talking to another women when I was 4 months pregnant, we had also only been married for 2 months. I was so disgusted then and I am still heart broken by it but now I do see the part I played in it. I was working full time and pregnant and he was at home due to his visa problems I never said anything spiteful but I wasn’t respectful and I was very critical of many things he would do I also got so worried and accused him of cheating and looking at other women many many times, I don’t know if he was cheating or it was my paranoia and bad attitude pushed him to it. I’m so sad that I could have prevented my husband straying and chasing other women. When I found out, we were both so shocked and I said the most hurtful things I could, I just wanted him to feel a fraction of the hurt i did.. He was very sorry and said everything he could to get me back (also that the reason he did it was to feel like a man) but now he doesn’t want me to even mention it or acknowledge that I have any fears he will do it again, I know that bringing it up and talking and being suspicious of him will not fix anything, it can only make things worse. also it seems whenever I express an insecure feeling about his phone or something he does exactly the opposite of what will give me reassurance, it feels like he is punishing me for have the fear by actually doing what I am afraid of.
I know i should pay more atte tion to my happiness and his too and since I have been nicer and more respectful to him and myself I have noticed a difference in how he treats me.
I’m so so grateful that you are spreading this message, its so easy to blame others for our problems in life rather than admitting we are responsible. I am trying very hard but the fear of him betraying me again keeps creeping in, I know I am his wife and he wouldn’t leave me and he does not have genuine affectation for the girl/girls he was talking to as he told her lots of lies and even gave her a different name but the pain of him wanting to feel like a man with them/her is too much sometimes.
I want a happy family with him, please can you advise me how to deal with my emotions.
Bless you Laura
P.s sorry my message is so long 🙂
Leyla, I so appreciate your accountability in this post for your part in the breakdown in your marriage, which sounds really painful. I get why your fear keeps coming up, but your husband is wise to not engage in that conversation with you because there’s no benefit. When you feel that fear, you might bring it to someone else–a trusted girlfriend who is ultimately in support of your marriage–so you can release it without acting on it. But what’s true is that your husband sounds like a good man, and it’s totally in your control to be respectful and that’s like oxygen to him. That’s how you can contribute to a long, happy, monogamous marriage. It’s much easier to do when you have support, like a coach and a community of women. But definitely reading the books is a great start!
hy laura .i am 30yrs i got maried 4months ago i found out that my husband had secret affairs and the lady is expecting a baby.it realy turn me off i went away till parents resolve it.i came back but my trust for him was gone plus his phone was on blockmode daily he promised to change and apologize but when days goes by he was becoming rude and he doesnt want me to comment bad about the lady.if anything i said he tells her then he denies that he is the one telling her.it soo painful.because i was open to him before marriage i asked him if he was dating any1 he said no.and gave me hopes for great life together.one day he beat me badly he tried to refuse me to talk to his friend whom he has acces to the lady.that day i went home and i planned to never return it hurting me.i miss his kids he got 2kids i was staying with them from his previous divorce and iam expecting a child iam 4months pregnancy.
Are these men never to be accountable for their behaviour? I would expect these husbands to look at themselves and work on their own behaviour. It seems that the wife is the one to do all the heavy lifting What about him? There is no healing if just one person in the relationship is willing to change, only resentment. There has to be work on both sides and this is what counsellors do. They don’t take sides, it appears you do.
Ya no what? The best advice is Biblical advice! Submissive, happy because of Gods salvation & redemptive POWER! God is on my side & I claim the Victory for my sista toon because marriage was 1st Gods idea
For the “seduce him” can it be sexual innuendo? (which I think is the same thing to a man as the actual sexual act itself – look how many men are watching porn anyway – they are getting it.) I’m Just trying to keep the self esteem and protect from dis-ease.
Donna, I see what you mean about seducing him being dangerous from a disease standpoint, but how does it hurt your self-esteem to seduce your own husband? Sex can make you feel good, and feel desirable which enhance your self-esteem. If you’re talking about having a stand-off, like “either she goes or you can’t have this” that’s not great for restoring intimacy. And believe me, once you restore the intimacy, the mistress doesn’t stand a chance. I’d suggest you go the full monty and use protection.
I see how it hurts the self esteem. Every time I try to have sex with my husband he says no. I don’t know how many more times he can turn me down before he completely crushes my spirit.
Angela, That does sound painful! I admire that you have the courage to try, but it does feel bad to keep getting turned down. It can be a powerful way to create connection again when you do it along with practicing the other Intimacy Skills. You sound very committed. There’s so much hope that your marriage can be passionate again when you’re using The Intimacy Skills. I’d love to see you get some support. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches is right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Laura, I feel like you wrote this post just for me. Thank you so much. I love your advice in this post to get happy. I keep forgetting that I can change how I feel by choosing to be with people who love and support me…and who are fun.
Unfortunately, my husband does not want to see me in person and won’t answer my phone calls (all 1 of them, lol). He has been gone for six months, and lives 1000 miles away. We only communicate by email or text. I have been devastated for six months, but have reigned in my expression of pain for the last four of them.
I have read your books and many of your blog posts, and still cannot figure out whether I am within the spirit of surrender if I surprise him at work (he works in a casino) looking HOT next weekend. He responded poorly the last time I surprised him like that, but did give me a long hug. That time, I had not heard of the Surrendered Wife and the skills you teach. I so want to take this opportunity while I’m up there over the holiday to see him and try some of the skills. I have my dress all picked out 🙂
Should I give him the respect of a choice whether to see me? Or the shock of the surprise?
Thank you again for the post.
Sandra, I love your commitment to your marriage! I think your idea sounds great. Makes me want to get you some support too so you can have some other avenues to begin connecting with him again. Consider a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Thank you for this article. Any suggestions when living separately and you are practically nonexistent to him and his interests are not healthy for you to share? What if there are not many “good ol’ days” to return to? What if contact now usually involves him being nice for a while (for intimacy?) then passive aggressive “mistakes” & lying to exit stage left? What about friends & family saying I should ignore him till he changes, and that he’ll never change? He seems bent on frustrating & disappointing me so I’ll finally leave him, and fulfill his former relationship patterns. I don’t want to divorce, and I’ve owned up & apologized but I’ve accepted I may be alone the rest of our lives. It’s getting easier to think about, but not fantastic. Thank you again for this article.
Help Wanted–I’m not okay with you being alone the rest of your lives. That sounds so painful, and you deserve better! And you can have so much more once you know the Intimacy Skills. I’m so glad you found your way here.
Your friends and family are trying to protect you and they mean well, but they may not be the best sources for this particular challenge (unless they have also had a struggling relationship and turned it around). You wouldn’t ask your out-of-shape family members for fitness ideas, right?
To talk to a woman who has been where you are and now has a playful, connected marriage, apply for a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
My husband is leaving in the house but sleeping in another bedroom since he told me he is done
He said he would never be able to love like he did once and this past 10 years were bad for him… He is balming me for every thing .. Off course I have faults but the sad part is he is not seeing his.
He is very polite but that’s it
He is very indifferent and mean and a jerk when he can.
How to seduce somebody like that ?
Laura, this reminds me of a client I had in a similar situation. She sent me an email saying they were so physically affectionate now that the kids were getting grossed out. Sounds crazy, but I’m excited for you. I’ve seen this movie and it has a GREAT ending. I’d say hop on a discovery call ASAP.
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Thanks for your thoughts. It’s kind of hard to think that through sex with a cheaterI would be able to build my self esteem when my counselor is saying I’m being used by a cheater that wants his cake and eat it too. That I’m in denial he’s a cheater and cheaters don’t change. That is from my counselor who brings in the jerry springer lie detector on the husbands she said only one man has passed the lie detector test in her offices so far. think maybe another solution would be flirting with other men that would build my self esteem and maybe trigger a competitive male gene in him. But let’s face it relationships are voluntary and if a man is not commited he’s not commited.
Donna, It’s not too late to become a ridiculously happy wife again, but first you have to fix your marriage and right now it feels like it’s falling apart. You shouldn’t have to share your husband, that’s not right. I know how painful it is to feel hopeless about your marriage, which is why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women. We can help you too. So get a coach so you can stop feeling defeated, lonely and hurt and start feeling desired, taken care of and special.
In point 9. What is the bad effect of our tears?
It is not vulnerability ?
W, If you’re always sad, that can leave your guy with the impression that he can’t make you happy. Then you’re both sad and frustrated. It’s easy to get focused on how sad it is that your relationship is struggling (that is sad!) but what you focus on increases. Focusing on the good parts, on what makes you happy can be a powerful way of breaking out of the trap of thinking your happiness depends on him. Tears can be vulnerable for sure, but looking to have him make you feel better because you’re unhappy about the relationship is more about criticism than vulnerability.
wonderful post Laura! I have read both your books and it has changed my marriage. Almost a year ago my husband told me he wanted a divorce. It was a wake up call and literally about a week later I stumbled upon your book at barnes and noble. I feel it was meant to be because out of all the self help books yours was the one I pulled out and purchased and it changed my marriage and life forever. Thank You!
Awesome, Casey! Congratulations on your success in saving your marriage. I know what that takes and I admire your courage and humility. Way to go! Any chance you’d like to be a relationship coach? A lot of women would take inspiration and hope from your story!
If you’re interested you can check it out here and schedule a complimentary call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/become-a-coach/
Casey, Id love to hear how things are going with you since you posted this. I love happy endings and I am hoping to glean something positive from you!
I may try things your way. I’m just curious though what about the school of thought of the mans need to chase (hunter instinct.) Wouldn’t giving into sex not be a challenge to him?
Donna, I hear you, but I think this is a different situation than a new relationship. It’s not like you just met and you’re taking a feminine approach of letting him pursue so you can feel desired. When you’re marriage is in a crisis it’s helpful to reconnect any way you can. It’s more of a reminder of what you had and what you could have again. It can be powerful.
Judging by the huge response to this article I get the impression that this a real toughie. Reading First Kill etc the examples are predominantly about situations where the husband is still home. Makes it a lot easier to see changes immediately but when husband has left the opportunities are reduced and you really want to make them count. I for one, would like to see more comments and real life stories with in a scenario where the husband is not present. Can I ask you Laura to provide a greater proportion of the separated scenario?
The above suggestions are great, and I have been implementing them religiously but getting some traction takes a lot of doing.
Heather, Good for you for staying on the road to reconciliation even though it’s challenging for sure. My wish for you is to have some support as you greet this opportunity to practice the skills and create the playful, passionate relationship you’re seeking. It really makes all the difference.
Something I have found which helps me. Practice skills on others, especially males in your life. I used respect on my 16 year old son in telling him I was soooo impressed with his study efforts for the year and I really respected his commitment for an extended period. Guess what, he resumed his coming to say goodnight and giving me a hug. Another example was when I was talking to a male coworker. I really made a point of actually listening to them, (actually looking at them, nodding, affirming what they said). Then about 45 minutes after the convo they came across to my workplace and resumed further discussion. I think they felt comfortable speaking to me
So I guess when hubby is absent you get to practice and make mistakes and no one is none the wiser, plus you build your other relationships…….which I am sure makes you happier. Not so bad after all.
Patience is the key, but you can have a multiplier effect on affirmations that the skills work from interactions with others. Just don’t tell your coworker you miss them.
But I think you need to repeat the dance all over again each time to keep a mans interest. You show up look beautiful (to him IF he is attracted to you every man has his own “look” he likes.) He pursues you. You cheerlead him in his life mission (usually job if he likes it, if he hasn’t found his mission he won’t settle down in a committed relationship.) You are a little difficult (challenge) as he needs to “win” you. Then he gets the reward his reptilian brain wants sex.
Donna, that sounds really complicated and I couldn’t do it.
For me, the beauty of the 6 Intimacy Skills are that they help me stay focused on what I can control–which is me–instead of trying to control my husband. Manipulation never got me the connection I was craving, but I love how my husband responds to me when I’m completely authentic and vulnerable, when I’m the respectful wife I want to be, when I make myself happy and express my desires clearly.
I drove my marriage into the ditch, so part of getting it out was saying “mea culpa” and letting him know that he didn’t deserve that. No man in his right mind is going to chase a controlling shrew. It’s vital to show him that’s not who you really are and that you regret that.
For me, the focus had to be on Laura–not on how John would react. It’s about honoring my beautiful feminine gifts, and when I do that he shows up with so much tenderness and passion and devotion. No game playing required.
Laura that sounds amazing! I would love to have my husband back….but it’s been a year….another woman…on and on. It feels hopeless
Tina, I know it feels hopeless, and I can see why you feel that way, but I have witnessed so many miracles in situations like yours. If you’re still married, then you are still the wife and a wife with Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays! He told you NOT to file the divorce. There really is hope. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t believe it. I’d love to see you get support. That would make a huge difference. You could start by attending the Cherished for Life Weekend in New Jersey in April. You’ll hear some of the miracle stories there. If they can do it, why not you? You can get details here:
http://cherishedforlife.com
Hi Laura, I’ve read both your hooks since my husband and I separated. The Surrendered Wife was eye opening for me and rewlly brought to light what was going on and how my husband didn’t feel respected. We are still living apart buy have come a long way. We do all things together as a family (we have an 18 month old), including going to church weekly. I recently found out I was pregnant again so this has been increasingly difficult. He still has not shown readiness to move back in together and now I feel even more neglected.
I have noticed he gets very unhappy when he feels that he is responsible for any negative feelings I have. How do I manage this at this point (he had an emotional affair when I was pregnant with our first child ) and still put on a happy face when I feel so hurt and alone? I know things could be worse. Like I said, we’ve come a long way….I just want to finally be reconciled.
Miss, Congratulations on your progress in your relationship. That is so exciting and impressive! And so worthwhile. You are on the right track, but it’s only human to feel impatient in your situation. I’d love to see you have some support both to help with a speedier reconciliation and to keep your spirits up, which is vital. Consider having a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Hi Laura.
You know my situation.bipolar husband se were separated a time.she was chasing with another woman…well lots suffering and tears.
I read your book i read again and again…and i thought i want to solve My marriage .i appreciate so much your words of encouraging.i did My changes and we came bsck together.now to try others steps to recover hapiness.thanks Laura.i will contact you for news.(i hope good news)thank you.i want to contribute with My marriage to unity.
Mercedes
Mercedes, WOW! WOW! This is fantastic news. I’m so happy to hear this. Congratulations!
It really is contributing to world peace to make your own marriage whole again. And I think I hear you saying you would like to be a coach who helps other women do the same thing you did. Do I have that right? I’m super excited about that because I’m on a mission to end world divorce and I need women who are passionate about this work to stand with me and serve all the women who reach out for help.
If you would like to talk about becoming a coach, come and schedule a call about that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/become-a-coach/
Mercedes, thanks for sharing this with me. It makes my day!
Sorry I just feel strongly about #13. I feel like this is not good advice if you wish to have a healthy committed relationship. When you say “he’s your’s, not her’s.” Well, if he’s sleeping with others he’s not yours, he’s NOT committed. If you wish to have an open relationship than that’s your decision, Trying to seduce someone with sex is dishonest and not a relationship, it’s just a hookup. Don’t have expectations that he’s going to stop hooking up with others, unless you’ve discussed and agreed to be exclusive, BEFORE you have sex with him, even then if he’s a man of low character, his word may not mean anything.
Donna, I hear you and I trust that you are the expert on your own life. I know only a little, and I share from my own experience and the experience of the women I’ve worked with because I hope it will help someone else be able to find her way back to having the attention and affection and monogamy she craves and deserves. I know it seems incredibly risky to seduce a man who also has a mistress.
In my experience good guys only cheat because they are starving for respect, which is like oxygen for them. Choosing to look past the infidelity at the big picture of the marriage is a way of acknowledging that you recognize you did some things to contribute to this outcome (just like I unwittingly wrecked my marriage) and that there is still something worth saving, something even better than what you had before.
There are men who are NOT capable of being faithful and that’s a divorce I endorse. You’ll never get the treatment you deserve from such a man, and you won’t be safe.
But a good guy who makes a bad decision in an attempt to get oxygen…that relationship can be saved and be better than ever. I see it all the time. What I’ve seen is that seducing that man is a powerful way to reconnect with him.
I hear you. But, if he’s a good guy he would honor his commitment. I would only understand the need for “oxygen” if it were an abusive (be it emotional or physical) relationship he were in which is what I think you are referring to. I am very good to my former husband and boyfriends. My ex husband just told me he misses me and wants to be intimate with me (to bad he’s been remarried for over 10 years.) Lol, the bad ones don’t change.
My guy texts daily with an “old friend” and doesn’t think anything is wrong with his flirty texts with her since it’s “only texts”. This crushes me and I feel like it is cheating. I am going to try your techniques. I’m looking forward to being happy again.
I think this a definite “ouch” situation.
Laura,
My situation is a little different in that my husband is going through midlife crisis. He had an emotional affair about 2 years ago, decided he didn’t love me, moved out in August, filed for divorce in October. I desperately want my marriage back. My biggest issue when all of this happened is that my codependency blew up like crazy and I acted like a crazy woman. I have been trying to reform my actions and be respectful and concentrate on healing myself for me and our 3 children, (ages 25, 16 – from my first marriage) and a 9 year old. He says I frustrate him to death. I see that I have taken over so much in our married life that I must have seemed like his mother and emasculated him. Please do you have any advice on what to do in this situation? I will definitely try everything you have suggested. Because he moved out and I’m on disability, finances are extremely tight and much as I’d love to purchase your course, I just am not able to. Thank you! This has been very eye opening for me!
Michele, I’m sorry to hear about your husband leaving–sounds stressful and hard. I suggest you get your hands on The Empowered Wife–you can get it at the library for free. It will show you exactly how to practice The Six Intimacy Skills. They really help! I admire your commitment and your willingness to look at how you may have contributed to the current situation. You’re on the right track!
Laura-We are 1600 miles apart because of jobs and selling a house. On 12/15, it all kind of blew up. I’ve been angry, depressed, stressed and argumentative, especially since late Oct when he missed a flight to come down for my birthday. He did show up, but that only gave us two days and I was a jerk and really didn’t talk to him because I was mad/hurt. When he went back-he shut off the phone and all communication. He was scheduled to come down 12/18-and I had to get friends to get him to call me. On Tues, he said he was coming. On Thurs evening, I got an email, you don’t need me, I’m not talking to you anymore, I’m not coming, I’m done.I sent a letter and Christmas gifts-no response. I did send an apology letter which he will get Saturday. I took responsibility for my actions and it was an I letter, but no begging or trying to get back together. He has cut off all financial support. Do I just leave him alone, or do I get on a plane 1/15 and go up for overnite to try and talk to him. I can’t be away longer than that as we have a farm. Any thoughts….anyone? Thanks
Roxanne, Sorry to hear about the distress you’re experiencing and being shut out by your husband. It may not seem like it right now, but I definitely think you can revitalize your marriage and make it great again. it sounds like you could use some support and a bigger plan for what you want to create here. Consider having a complimentary discovery call to explore the possibilities before you book that flight:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Well, it’s the dawn of the new year and he went to bed at 8pm and was asleep by 8:01pm. Our NYE sucked and I spent the whole night feeling sorry for myself and silently grieving what appears to be the death of our once beautiful and passionate relationship. I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom, mainly because I’m a night bird and hate going to bed so early. I just toss and turn and feel like I’m disturbing his damn beauty sleep. He doesn’t hold me close and snuggle me anymore. I’m lucky to get a peck on the cheek for a kiss goodnight. As for intimacy, it’s hit the skids. He is not interested in sex. Last year we took a mini vacation and we may as well just stayed home. It was about as sexy and fun as cleaning the chimney. We used to be absolutely mad about one another! I have relegated myself to the spare bedroom. Maybe it’s pride. I’d rather sleep alone than feel alone sleeping with someone. I’m going to make myself feel happy today, even though I have had little sleep and try and start the new year off with a little less depression and resentment. I surrendered over a year ago and he’s feeling the pressure of the finances now that I have placed it all on him. He still doesn’t quite get it. He gives me grocery money each week and that’s it. No extras. No, “Honey, you look like you could use a break, so I’m sending you to the spa right around the corner that our insurance covers.” I’m hoping that one day my eyebrows will be so thick and bushy it will look like a caterpillar crawling across my face because I haven’t had them done properly in forever. Maybe I can pull off a sexy Frida Kahlo to get his attention.
Seriously. This sucks.
Sandy, Sounds very lonely. I hear plenty of resentment and I know that was part of what kept me lonely in my marriage. I still remember what that’s like. Sounds like you could definitely use some support. Consider having a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Thanks, Laura. I apologize for the pity-party-poor-me rant. I’m savagely hormonal right now and quite tearful and emotional these past few days. It’s quite a challenge being the only surrendered wife in town! My closest girlfriends aren’t quite on board with me yet. One flat out thinks I’ve gone Stepford and rejects it entirely, and the other is mid-book as I write this. Honestly, I became tired of listening to her constant complaining about her husband and their finances and her stress. I continually advised her to put all the finances on him and take better care of herself. Then finally, I recommended your book. I’m sure he can handle their finances – he’s an accountant.
Anyway, my guy really is a wonderful man whom I adore with all my heart. I also know he loves me truly. You are correct, it is resentment. I needed someone to identify it, so thank you for that. I’m not sure where this low-grade anger comes from. Paternal abandonment and trust issues most likely. He has them too, but that’s another conversation entirely and not an excuse for disrespecting him either. Part of my self-care is resolving some of those burdensome issues once and for all. He saw that I had been crying (I’ve been crying more than usual lately but I think it’s just overdue and very healing for me). Surrendering is not an easy process. It shakes things up within ourselves that need to be identified and addressed appropriately. He didn’t say anything which I welcomed and he has since softened up a bit. We were back to our usual selves tonight. I still choose to sleep in the spare bedroom at this time though. I can’t handle feeling all alone while laying right next to him.
One more thing, Laura. How do we develop and present our spending plan? He gives me money for groceries every week and I’m so thankful for that. That alone was a big step for us. How do I communicate to him what I need outside the family food bill without making it seem like I’m invoicing him?
Besides food. lol
Sandy, I appreciate your humility and accountability. For me the headline of your post is “I still choose to sleep in the spare bedroom at this time.” I still remember how painful that was when we were having that kind of cold war. I’d love to see you get some support to get back to passion and playfulness. I love that you’re surrendering the finances too, and that’s part of a bigger conversation. Sounds like you’re soft, feminine side is showing and I’m sure he loves that! If you haven’t set up your discovery call yet, that’s definitely the next step.
Hi Laura,
I have been married for 30 years. About 10 years ago it was discovered that I had a vascular problems. And since have lost my left leg (below the knee) and partial right foot. I have been in the hosp 38 times in 10 years. I have continued working in a high power position. We live a very nice life which I support. He left a couple of weeks ago to “find himself” Yes I was very suspicious! But both of his parents dies last year 1 1/2 weeks apart suddenly. He came home and told me he does not love me anymore and is in love with someone else. He knows her from 30 years ago. I have cried until I can’t see anymore…. Id there any hope or do I just say goodbye. I feel very alone and have nobody! With the illness and the marriage I feel like there us nothing to live for.
Sherrt, Wow, that sounds very tough! I’m sorry to hear about your loss of part of your leg and both feet, and then having the added stress of your husband telling you he doesn’t love you anymore. That must be devastating! I know it seems hopeless right now, but I can unequivocally tell you that there is every reason to be hopeful about your marriage. With the 6 Intimacy Skills and a coach as your guide you can make your marriage better than it’s been in a long time. It will be the trip of your life, and in my experience completely worth taking in so many ways. Hang in there Sherrt! This is what I like to call the breakdown before the breakthrough. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
My husband and I have been separated for 2 months. I told him to leave when I discovered he was cheating on me with a 21 year old and he’s 43. He is upset because I told him to leave & because I found out he was cheating. I have apologized for my part in contributing to our problems. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with me & says I exposed him. We have 4 boys, 2 know that he has cheated. He is angry with me saying I exposed him & now that the kids know,, you can’t just sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen. I told him to fight for our family, to fight for us and to not give up. I have been very calm & have listened to everything he’s had to say/complain about without interrupting. He does not think we can salvage our marriage. I am fighting for my marriage and trying to remain as calm as possible. How can I seduce him if he doesn’t want to be anywhere near me? Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Dee, that sounds like a very painful situation! Sorry to hear what you’re going through, and I admire that you want to keep your family together. I’m confident that you can, and it will improve everything else in your life too. But it’s a longer conversation than we can have here on the blog. I suggest a complimentary discovery call to discover the best move for revitalizing your relationship. I know you want your marriage back and part of saving it will be making it great again too. Here’s where you can apply for the discovery call:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Laura, I would absolutely love to see a book written “the surrendered separated”! Things that help to establish connections with your husband, how much texting??? Is it better to make a brief phone call as opposed to texting.
What things have worked…..what a good gauges of where you think your husband is at and so forth.
My husband 2 months ago decided that as we were separated then a birthday present was out of the question as it would give the wrong idea about his decision to leave the marriage. Then just prior to Christmas I had to move house and had more opportunities than normal to use 6 skills. I could definitely sense at”thawing” towards me. Then on Christmas morning he texted me asking if he could drop around and see our son. Much to my surprise he gave me a gift. I was very grateful for it. However, subsequently I haven’t heard from him for several days. i was feeling quite good when he gave the gift, but have flattened a bit given the absence of any contact? This really is a tough road.
Heather, I’m happy to hear that you can see little green shoots of spring coming through after the cold winter! This book that tells the kinds of stories you’re looking for: Surrendered Wives Empowered Women: Inspiring True Stories of Women Who Revitalized Their Relationships. Check out Sheri Byrd’s story–she’s been right where you are and has a marriage worth celebrating now. I know it’s tough to do what you’re doing alone–I’d sure love to see you get some support!
Hi Laura. I really appreciate your unconventional approach to marriage and I enjoy reading your posts!
My husband and I have been married 10 years and have been together for over 16 years. Our marriage is in crisis. I first need to tell you about my husband, he is an alcoholic/addict who has been sober for the last almost nine years. I am extremely proud of my husband for this but it has become a source of great pain for me. I am a grateful member of Al-Anon for the last nine months. I tried going when my husband first got sober but I didn’t stick around. Some of your advice mirrors what my program teaches me and the 12 Steps and my program have been monumental in turning my life around! One example, is taking responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. I can totally relate to ” driving it into the ditch”. I haven’t worked for the past 15 years and my husband has a great job but I have given far too much responsibility to shoulder plus I am an insulin dependent diabetic, and have been very neglectful in taking care of myself. I pushed my husband away when he wanted to be intimate because I was uncomfortable with myself, and when we would be intimate it was painful for me so he just gave up. I have been extremely lazy also and not kept our home clean which is important to my husband. I have been so selfish, lazy, irresponsible and just downright neglectful of my life. We also have a 15 year old daughter whom we love dearly. When my husband got sober I shifted my focus from trying to control him onto our daughter and treated her horribly. Screaming and yelling and sometimes throwing things. To sum it up, my husband has had serious resentments against me for the past 8 plus years he’s been sober. With good reason! I found out in late March of 2015 that he was having an emotional affair with a female that he is in program with. I also considered this female to be a friend, which hurt immensely. He started off talking to her about program and trying to help her because there were not many females around with ” solid sobriety” and this led to him talking about our problems to her and this ultimitaly led him to infidelity. Which he didn’t reveal to me until Halloween night. He also told me he had cheated two other times since getting sober. The first time was 5 years ago and he said there were others before he got sober. He is not the same person he was before sobriety so the infidelities prior to that are not as big of a deal to me. The ones after he got sober pain me more because I guess I feel he should’ve known better. I realize this all inconsequential anyway and that nothing can change our past. My husband has recently told me that he is not in love with me anymore he still cares but the connection is lost. I, on the other hand, feel more connected to him than I have in years. I have been through a sexual revolution and no longer fear sex with my husband and I love it. But, he says sex isn’t as important to him these days. We have gone to six sessions with a marriage counselor. Because he said in March that he wanted to work on our marriage but I haven’t gotten much from him these past few months and feel like I’m the only one who is trying to work on our relationship. He is still talking and texting to the other woman, in fact, they see each other several times a week at meetings. He says he feels like he has a spiritual connection with her. This hurts me to the very depths of my soul. But I’m trying to keep my tears to a minimum and throw blame and anger at him. I had an intense heart to heart conversation with him last night and asked him to try to let me in his heart again because he just feels numb about it right now. I also need to let you know that in not working for the past 15 years I have nothing to call my own. I have been completely dependent on my husband but I am trying to find employment and am making positive changes in my life. Co-dependency has been a huge issue for me and I’m working to break the cycle. This is a coping mechanism I developed from loving my alcoholic/addict. I have huge growth in my faith and relationship with my God which is the only thing that keeps me sane some days! I have many isms that I’m becoming aware of and I believe in myself for the first time in years. It just hurts that he sees me getting stronger and feels like I’ll be fine without him. He tried to make suggestions for us to work on things earlier in our marriage and I just ignored him! i know he’s been in marital hell for awhile and I hate what I’ve done to us. He is still at home with me but I just hope and pray that he decides to give us another try to be happy. If there is any experience, strength, hope or advice anyone can offer, I would be most appreciative! Thank you again Laura and all the women who have posted things!
Michelle, Sounds like you’ve been through a lot in your marriage, and plenty of heartbreak. I’m happy to hear that you’re believing in yourself and that you’re looking at what you can be doing differently to make things better. This deserves a longer conversation, so I invite you to have a complimentary discovery call to explore and discover the best move for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I didn’t say why sobriety has been a source of pain for me. I feel my husband substitutes our time together to be more active in his program. I realize his sobriety has to come first but there is no balance. It’s all the time. I’ve asked to give me a little more of his time but don’t feel he is willing to do so. He works a lot of houses also so I don’t get to see him much and I need him more also I feel he doesn’t trust anything that is not program related. I’m trying to convey my needs to him but he’s just not been very receptive. I’m not sure the marriage counselor is helping either I just feel like an emotional train wreck after our sessions and feel like it makes my husband angry and like he’s being attacked. Sorry for the book I am a thorough person. Ha!
I forgot something else!!! This is important. We were at the marriage counselor Wednesday and I tried to set a healthy boundary for myself with the counselor’s help. I asked to cut off all communication with the other woman so that we could try to heal our marriage and he said he wasn’t willing to do it. This is the worst for me because I feel like I’m unimportant to him. I know that he is very conflicted right now and in pain from the bad decisions he’s made. It’s important for me to not be a doormat but I can’t stop loving him! I can’t turn my feelings off. He is very respectful but withdrawn and quiet much of the time. Is it wrong for me to love him through this indecision and not knowing what to do?! He and the other woman had sex only one time just wanted to add that. Hurting and conflicted! Please help!
Im kinda going through this right now…my husband is supposed to leave on Friday! Can you give me any advice…i feel like we dont need no time off of each other…i want my girls to be happy with is together! And i believe that theres no such thing as no love…we have the decision to change and love day by day…
Mary, You’re absolutely right. I’d suggest you have a complimentary discovery call ASAP. You can do it here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
What is he’s said I don’t love you already remarried? Talk about a long shot.
BAS, Sorry to hear. Sounds like an ex-husband, and yes, I agree that’s a very long shot given that he’s made a commitment to someone else.
Hello Laura. I have learned a Iot from you lately. I need your advice on this: I have newly surrendered (3 weeks). The thing is, I can’t get over what my husband did before this surrendering process.
We have been married for 14 months (lived together for 2 years before wedding). Before he proposed, I was mostly a relaxed and enjoyable person. After the proposal I focused on wedding preparations so I did not have time to nag or criticize him (which was good). After the wedding, we went to honeymoon which I arranged from beginning to end (because he doesn’t have good vacation planning skills, even got scammed once) and this made me think that I have to do all the planning for both of us for the rest of our lives. I did not enjoy the vacation at all, and after we returned home, I complained a lot. I gradually became nagging and demanding without being aware. I told him I wanted a baby sooner or later, and he did not want it at all. I thought he was so lazy to even have a child.
4 months after the wedding, my manager quit and I had to take a lot of responsibility at work. I was working 12 hours every day and it was getting worse. I hated my job, and complained about it all night when i got home. I told I wanted to quit and take a break for a couple months, he said OK. But my parents insisted that I should not quit, that I was in depression and needed to take antidepressants. I started to take Lustral. I was feeling much better, but it killed my sex drive. I started doing it like a weekly duty. I also became numb and indifferent.
A couple months later, I still hated my job, so I quit. They wanted me to stay for 5 months until they find new personnel, I said OK (what a dummy). So I kept taking Lustral and working late hours and having robotic sex. When I could finally leave work, I also left the drug and my libido and personality started to come back. I then realized that we had grown apart with my husband. Just when I thought we would be finally happy and peaceful, one day my husband texted me at dinner time, “I’ll be late, I’m going to play basketball with my colleagues”. I noticed his basketball bag was at home. I called him and told him this, he said his equipment was in the car, but i knew that they were in the bag. So I asked him to take a picture of his friends or a selfie with a ball or something and send me. He said OK, I hung up and started crying. Then he sent me a photo of his colleages playing basketball. I texted him back “Ok I believe you”. 15 minutes later he came home, and said “we need to talk, I lied”. He was having dinner with a female colleague. He said nothing happened between them but he was sexually attracted to her. They ate lunch together for a couple times and he told her he liked her. “I am not motivated to continue this marriage anymore” he said. “We have grown apart. We live like roommates. You are so ambitious and I just want to have a good time, I dont want kids or raise money to buy a house.” I started crying like crazy. I knew we grown apart but didnt have any idea what he was up to. He never complained about our relationship before. I asked him to wait for a while and let me do my best to fix things and of course he should stop seeing her or talking to her. He said OK. For a week he was somewhat distant, and I was like a geisha. Gradually we became closer, and I found your book. I stopped being geisha and started surrendering, and things got even better. Now we are intimate and apparently happy. He comes home early every day, and sometimes drives me to work in the mornings. He bought me a dress for valentines day, which I said I liked while passing by a store.
The thing is, I cant get over what happened. Its a thousand ton luggage on me, and I dont know how to trust him anymore. He behaves lovingly, but never said “I love you” since that incident. How can I know that he loves me or not? Do I have to live with the fear of being cheated for the rest of my life? Was it foolish to forgive him? Most importantly, how can I tell him about how I feel when I’m trying to surrender? I want to be reassured that he wont see anyone else as long as we’re married, and I want him to admit his mistake and apologize. I want him to say he loves me. Sorry for the long story. Thanks in advance 🙂
Bahar, Sorry to hear about the struggles in your marriage! I can see why you’re having trouble getting over what happened but I admire that you’re working on your marriage. There’s every reason to be hopeful that it will become wonderful again. I’d love to see you get some support. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call to uncover you best move for your relationship here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Bahar- I so totally understand your feelings. I felt I was abandoned in another state, which in reality..I was. He cut off all communication and did not come for pre-arranged visit nor come to help when he knew I was scheduled for surgery. In addition to cutting off any form of communication for 3 months, he cut off any financial input. I finally flew up there….he knew I was there on Saturday but only came to the house when he knew he couldn’t possibly avoid me any more…on Monday. Just said he didn’t call all that time because he didn’t know what to say..but…that he wants to work on it. I have been reading all of Laura’s books and had a complimentary session, but…….I am struggling. He just wants to forgive/forget and move on. I can’t. I am so angry and hurt….and today….he has cut off communication again. I’m not sure I can do this, and just maybe I really feel deep down inside, it’s not worth it……I don’t know. I am beyond confused.
Roxanne, i’m sorry that you’ve been through a lot with your husband. Looks like you have all the chance to make it work. He wants to forgive and forget, that sounds good to me. But you cant get over what happened right? I totally understand. Maybe its best to pretend forgetting until things get stabilized again (meanwhile practicing Laura’s surrendering advice obviously). I know its hard, im doing the same thing right now, and im on the edge of getting my luggage and leaving the hell out of this house. Whenever i feel angry at him, i grab the phone, call him and have some small chat. Its such a small thing but it helps greatly. Hope you have your marriage back. I know you will.
Laura I bought your book and I thought it was absolutely fantastic!
I am dying to put your Wisdom to practice but my husband left me, is two hours away and refuses to speak to me. We have no children or no communal property together so there’s nothing to make him contact me. He’s also asked me for a divorce which I agreed to even though I didn’t want it.
Do I have any hope? And do you have any advice?
Tammy, I’m sorry to hear! There is SO much hope for your marriage. Seems a shame to give up now that you’ve got the keys in your hands, right? I’d love to see you get some support. It’s so worth it to go all in on your marriage. I see them come back to life all the time. Apply for a complimentary discovery call here to discover the best move you could make for your relationship:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Thank you Laura, I will do that 🙂
Hi I’m nisha.now I’m seperated from my husband.it’s the most painful moment in my life.isolation kills me.I don’t have anyways to contact my husband.but I still have hopes that he will come to me.
Nisha, So sorry to hear about your separation. That does sound painful. I hope you have friends and family who you can connect with during this time!
Hi Laura, I just found you this morning as I’m googling ways to get your husband back. My husband told me 3 wks ago now that he doesn’t love me anymore, isn’t in love with me for yrs now and wants to separate and says there’s no more hope for us. He’s been living in our basement and says he’s ONLY staying for our 2 young children. He’s been avoiding me at all costs. I’ve owned up to all I’ve done wrong (I gave my 100% to our kids and none to him. My oldest is 4yrs) he lost me and says that he’s exhausted from trying for so many yrs to get his wife back. I was so blind and took advantage of him thinking he would never leave me. There’s no other woman. He says he absolutely doesn’t want to work on us cuz he’s totally done. Then a cpl nites ago he grabbed me, held me so tight and we made love like we’ve never made love before. Twice! But the next day he said he didn’t mean to lead me on. He was just trying to see if anything was still there and he feels terrible for making me cry, but says there’s just nothing there :'( I feel so broken. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! he says he sees no future with me. I begged for counselling and he says he just flat out does not have any desire to work on us. Says he’s so happy when he’s not home or when he’s with the kids. He just left today with the kids out of town to visit friends and family. I’m crushed cuz he didn’t want me to come and says he wouldn’t be able to sit in a car for 5 hrs straight with me cuz we aren’t friends. I miss my kids like crazy already, but him even more.
Is this even something that sounds salvageable? I did the wrong things in trying to get him back by begging and pleading my love for him, reminding him of our vows, our children, whatvwe use to have.
What do I do now??
Shayna, I know it looks dark right now, but this can absolutely be fixed! I’m just so happy you found your way here, and that your husband refused to go to counseling. Since you’ve got time to yourself right now and you’re brand new to this community, consider reading either The Surrendered Wife or The Empowered Wife ASAP. Apply for a complimentary discovery call, and also check out this free webinar:
https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
It’s not too late, but there’s no time to waste either. I’m excited for you to get the kind of marriage you’ve always wanted through practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills!
Hi again, I jist finished reading First. The Empowered Wife and I’m even more scared and nervous I may not get my husband back, because I already have started all the skills explained in your book. 3 wks ago my husband told me he’s done and moved in the basement. 2 days ago he said to me that he sees all the efforts I’m now putting in to our marriage, but because he’s already “checked out” that it’s all a little too late 🙁 …a few nights ago when he made love to me with such passion he apologized for “leading me on”, but wanted to do it to see if he had still felt anything for me, but unfortunately does not. Deep in my heart I am a changed wife/person. He’s strictly here for our kids and nothing else. I get this pit in my stomach as I’m reading your book because it all sounds like practices for me to do BEFORE to prevent divorce, but in my case has basically already happened. He says he has no desire to use any last tool to fix what’s broken in our marriage. That he simply just does NOT want to try. I feel so beaten down. Am I being naive to want to still fight for us? I explained to him that if he is going to stay anyway (just for the kids) and be unhappy with me, then why not CHOOSE happiness and give it one last shot?! I mean, what does he have to lose?? He just keeps telling me that there’s just nothing there anymore. We’ve been together for 13 yrs, married for 8 this coming June and we use to have a GREAT relationship. He says we aren’t friends anymore, we don’t talk or laugh…I’ve asked to start from day one and start with a first date when he’s ready. Everything I’ve suggested and tried reasoning with him gets immediately shut down and he continues to say “because I don’t want to date you. I don’t want to get to know you again. I’m done”.
I DONT want to give up on us, but is this simply inevitable?
Shayna, Great job taking fast action of reading The Empowered Wife! When you say you’ve started all the skills, I think you might be overlooking a big one: Relinquishing inappropriate control. Trying to talk him into anything is going to make things worse, not better, as you’re experiencing.
You can definitely save your marriage, but I recommend some support ASAP. I needed support, too.
It may take some time for his feelings to come around again and that is completely normal. They will come around again if you are practicing the skills, but watch out for your blind spots. We all have them, and that’s why other women are so important in this process.
Thanks for your continued support. However, as ibread your book, all the examples used were women thinking aboutbdivorcing theirbhisband. Where in my situation it’s my husband basically out the door. I know I’ve lacked some of the intimacy skills in the past, but most were always there and for the most part I’ve always been very happy with my husband. He’s truly an amazing man and I took him for granted. There is very little I would want different from him. Hes always been extremely helpful around the house, an amazing hands on dad, cooks every meal, a very caring and selfless man to everyone he knows. I feel like I’ve really messed up 🙁 this is why I’m scared out of my mind of losing him. He keeps telling me that he jist does not want to work on us, and even if he can’t see a future with us, he just doesn’t WANT to. Have you had any clients in a similar situation and get their husband back? I still continue to thank him for things everyday, I’ve told him I miss him, he sees me doing things for me and it making me happy, the house is a clam place, he sees me happy and calm with our kids, I’m giving him his space now that he has asked for. But he avoids me at all costs. He will not start a conversation with me, won’t even say goodbye when he leaves. If I try to even say 2 words to him he either ignores me or makes sure to not look at me and puts his head down. I’m feeling defeated 🙁
Shayna, Yes, I see situations like yours recover completely and become better than ever all the time. I have seen many women in far worse situations revitalize their marriages. No need to feel defeated. Love to see you get support!
I want to add that he told me how beautiful I am when we made love that night. He hasn’t called me beat since our wedding day. He was never one to compliment. I asked him why he said that to me if he wasn’t feeling anything and he says “that’s because you ARE beautiful. I wasn’t lying when I said it”. There’s still physical attraction there.
Hi Shayna,
Reading your story is as if they where my own words….with the extra hurt of there being another woman involved. My husband told me less than two months ago that he no longer was in love with me. I later found out that he was ’emotionally’ involved with someone else (a woman he is working with) and since then he says he is done with me and done with the relationship and what he felt for me he now feels for another woman. We have two small children.
I have read the books and had my discovery call but as my means are limited I have not yet signed up for coaching. I would love to hear what happened in your case?
Hello Laura,
I found out in September that my partner of 18 turbulent years was very intimate with another woman..I have read alot since then and finally came across your book..I have been using the techniques and even wrote a vulnerable, jump off the fence letter for him on valentines day..im not good at expressing my feelings so this was very scary for me..things have been much more peaceful for us and our kids recently but Im REALLY struggling to hold back my anger and pain which crop up continually even though I vented them when I found out..please help as I feel like I will explode and Im sick of feeling so sad..tried the happy approach but feel completely overwhelmed, angry and scared at times 🙁 thank you for any advice..thank you so much for your books as I feel I wouldnt have coped without your support in them x
NJB, So sorry to hear about the terrible betrayal in your relationship. I’m so impressed that you jumped of the fence and got vulnerable–so brave! You’re doing everything right, but honestly I don’t know how you’ve done it all alone with just books! Run, don’t walk and get a complimentary discovery call so you have someplace safe to go with those important feelings you’re having. Of course you are having those feelings–who wouldn’t? I’d love to see you get some coaching. There’s every reason to be hopeful about your relationship. You’re saving your whole family and it’s all going to be worth it. You can apply for a discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Hello again, i applied for the discovery session but the available hours wont do for me because i live on the other side of the world. I will wait until my husband travels and then schedule a meeting.
Until then, i want to ask something that consumes most of my energy. My husbands affair was a short, nonphysical one but still equally devastating. Now i can see that he is happy in our marriage, he is trying to make things better but, the other woman is his colleague (they are not in the same department but they have contact) and she is still his facebook friend and she likes all his pictures (even the ones with me arrrrrrrgh!). He told me that it was just a phase and its over now, but i still cant live with it. I want him to cut all contact with her. How do i ask this from him? Should i tell him “i cant fully trust you as long as you continue talking to her”? Thanks in advance!
Bahar, Sorry to hear about your husband’s emotional affair. That does sound devastating. I would LOVE to have you get a discovery call some day.
I hear that you’re still feeling jealous and wish he would stop communicating with her altogether. That’s understandable, but I’ve never yet found a way to control who my husband talks to no matter how much I might like to. I’ve found that I can push him away and create wall-to-wall hostility when I try.
I’ve also found that when I focus on what I’m grateful for about the man in front of me and all that he does to show his love for me, his transgressions and short-comings seems small and I feel happier and more connected and safer. This has had remarkable power for me since I get to pick what I will focus on, and what I focus on increases.
I hear you’re focusing on what the other woman is doing. How is that serving you?
Thank you very much for your fast response. Everything you say is another eye opener for me. So I will not express my frustration to him then.
To justify my behaviour though: Well, he secretly went to dinner with that woman a couple times and when i found out, he told me he wasn’t happy, did not feel committed to me anymore and wanted to break up. I take my responsibility that i’ve been a terrible wife, but i cant help obsessing over what she does. Seems to me that she is still trying to get my husbands attention and i think she still gets it, even though he doesnt talk to her outside work. I feel defeated and failed, because we are almost newly wed. How could he be bored with me so soon?
Anyways, i will schedule that session as soon as i can!
Bahar, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I had a very similar situation happen to me this year. I saw a text message from another woman on my husband’s phone and went ballistic. From that point I started to pretty much stalk him. I read text messages as often as possible I logged on to his Facebook account and watched conversations with her unfold and even went as far as checking my cellular service providers detailed record of phone numbers that were texted and called on a daily basis. This woman was a friend of his from high school he swears that they have had no romantic past but he still felt the needed to text her every day multiple times a day. As I watched the text messaging unfold and the Facebook messages unfold I certainly did not like what I saw. This was definitely a emotional relationship as far as I was concerned. He has not met with this woman but I still dislike the fact that he was having this kind of affair. What I came to realize was that the happier I made myself the better things got between us I have really tried to stop telling him what to do I’ve tried to be completely respectful of his privacy and as difficult as it was I tried to stop being his stalker. I can tell you this, I no longer worry about what he is talking to anyone else about. We have reconnected in a way that feels almost like when we first started dating. It is actually pretty amazing. We’ve been giddy, flirty, romantic and wildly passionate. We went from having sex once a month to having sex almost everyday . I have read all of Laura’s books and they are truly inspirational. Unfortunately I could not afford to be part of the online community of support that she offers but I go back to the books and reread chapters or parts when I am feeling a little down or anxious about things. It really helps. My advice to you is to stop worrying about this other woman and start worrying about how to make yourself happy. Try to stay off of Facebook for a little while. For me the temptation to check his messages was just too great. I cannot control who he talks to over the course of the day but I can control what I do. Our marriage has not been this wonderful in 10 years.
Ro, Congratulations! I’m so happy to hear about the giddy, flirty, romantic, wildly passionate relationship you’ve created! I give you all the credit, as you know. Hooray!
Wow, your story sounds great. Maybe i will try freezing my fb account. I hate facebook anyway 🙂
You know what? I think we will all go to heaven thanks to our patience which is as strong as a prophet’s!
Thank you so much for your reply Laura. I am half way round the world too so Im not sure how the call schedules would work for me. It is so lovely not to feel alone with all this..although my sister is my biggest “cheerleader” 🙂 Reading your replies to others and their similar situations and advice is great..thank you Ro, you have kept me away from my partner’s phone as I was very tempted to have a look recently which I havent done for months 🙂 I have just realised that I seem to get VERY insecure around my menstrual cycle and find the horrid, jealous thoughts rear their ugly head with a vengeance..any advice to keep them at bay would be much appreciated. I am still discovering things that make me happy..couldnt even remember what I actually love doing :/ Not being married (I have also recently realised) makes me feel insecure too..feel rather childish for that.
Anyway, “Onwards and Upwards” as my sister always says 🙂
NJB, I don’t think it’s childish to want to be married. I’m married because I liked the idea of declaring in front of God and everybody that we were committed and special above all others to each other. Maybe the breakthrough after this breakdown will be a wedding ceremony for your and your man. I see that kind of thing happen a lot.
We serve women all over the world, and I have coaches all over the world, so I’m sure we can work out the time difference. I would love to see you get some support.
Thank you again for another supportive reply Laura. I expressed my desire to become his official wife in his Valentine letter of appreciation and respect (I also included an apology for years of disrespect..as I didn’t know how to respect him, but thanks to you, now I do)..so I will leave it with him and try to keep using the intimacy skills I’ve learnt from you. Your work has been wonderful for me..I’m learning lots of new things about myself and doing my utmost to focus on me..I started off with my finger pointing firmly at him and his discrepancies and thankfully ended up pointing it at me..I am trying to be the change I want to see in our family and I cant remember us ALL being as happy..I could never thank you enough Laura as you have given me the skills I needed to finally start taking care of myself and to bring our family closer together.. I’d forgotten that I’d chose a truly good man 18 years ago..thank you for reminding me ?
I will look into a discovery call as I realise this is going to be difficult at times and will need alot of support and encouragement.
My daughter is getting married this year and I will definitely be buying her your most recent book to help them to have a loving journey together in married life ?
Hello Laura Doyle
I really want to buy Your book and read it. But I just really don’t have that money right now cause I am just depending on the financial support from my husband.
So I will just try to write here if there is anyone similar situation like mine and can give me some advices.
My husband just broke up with me a month ago after almost 9 years of married. We have 1 son 4 years old. He is 50’s and I am 28. He broke up with me because I always bring the past back. I saw him kissing somebody else when he was drunk way back 2 years ago. And because that woman is just our neighbor, I can always remember what had happened everytime I see her. And since then, I became unhappy, moody, easy to get upset and always find reason to get upset at him. And also he broke up with me because he thought I am using our son as a fuel for our arguments and also he thought I am making our son to hate him.
Do You think I have any chance to win him back? I love him very much. He is my first boyfriend and my first love. I already apologize and admitted that I was wrong but he said I forgave You already but we cannot be together anymore. That we are not lovers anymore and we never will be again. Should I just give up on him too? I hope there is anybody here who can give me some advices what to do.
Thank You very much Laura…I would really appreciate for any replies.
Carmel
Carmel, I’m sorry to hear about the heartbreak in your marriage. Sounds very painful. I absolutely believe you can save your marriage and keep your family together. Perhaps you can get The Surrendered Wife or The Empowered Wife at the library. That would be a big help. Just because he says it’s over doesn’t mean it’s over. You have the power to make this marriage great again.
Hi Laura, i have really liked reading through your website, and it has given me a different perspective on things. I am trying my best to implement what you preach. But let me tell you my situation and maybe you could give me some advice?
My husband and I have always had a very close loving relationship. Some months ago, he started an affair. I found out about it pretty early and he promised me time and again he was going to end it. To cut the long story short, I gave him many months but i really was sick and tired of his neverending lies. and i was having a lot of problems trusting him again. Despite me giving him an ultimatum, he continued to lie. It might have been wrong of me to do so but I spoke to the other woman. She promised to leave him.. She said she never saw a future with him because he was already married. Well guess what, she ended up divorcing her husband. And now my husband wants to be “just friends” with her. I don’t really know what is happening but I feel that she probably wants some commitment from him obviously since she divorced her husband. How should I handle this? I’ve tried the soft approach, and the hard approach. And now I am back to trying the soft approach again. I don’t understand why neither of them can see that this will be a neverending problem and they just need to go no contact. She seems to be putting pressure on him, but that frustrates him and he transfers that frustration to me and tries to pick fault with me. It is already super tough for me to deal with the fact that they are friends although it obviously more of an emotional affair than “just friends” Things have been getting better with me trying out your intimacy skills. But then they will have a quarrel and somehow he takes it out on me. it is extremely frustrating and I feel very unfair.
Angel, So sorry to hear about your husband’s betrayal. What a heartbreak you’ve been living with. I hear you saying you’re having a hard time figuring out how to get him to do what you want him to do, and that was my situation also. I also hear that you want your marriage back, with just two people in it instead of three. I can certainly see why you feel that way! There is plenty you can do to create the outcome you’re wanting, and I would love to see you get some support with it, because it can be tricky to do it by yourself when there’s a mistress. It deserves a longer conversation. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move you can make for your relationship here:
lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Laura how can I seduce my husband if he moved out? It’s been 2 months and he still won’t talk to me. I have been married 24 years and he cheated with my “best friend” of 20 years. She wanted him and got him. He has destroyed our home. I spent 10 years searching for answers for our sick son. And he had the nerve to call me lazy! He didn’t even tell me about the affair. she met me at a mall and told me my husband was in love with her. He is avoiding and has moved in with his sister. He says “the marriage is over”. I never thought I would put up with cheating but my head and heart are at war. So how can I seduce someone who if I say “I love you” recoil?
Ginger, So sorry to hear about your husband and friend betraying you. So painful! I see what you mean that it’s hard to seduce someone who has moved out and is not showing much interest, but I’m glad to hear that you’re open to it if the situation arises. I’d love to see you get some support with this as it’s a longer conversation. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to determined the best next move for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi Laura,
Out of all the relationship “experts” I admire you the most. I have two of your books and your advice is excellent. My husband and I have been separated for 5 months now. We are now talking about reconciliation and are going away together next weekend.
I would like to relinquish control of the finances when my husband comes home , but I have two problems. First he has no job, and second he is such a cheapskate. So cheap he wanted to buy me my engagement ring from a pawn shop. He did not want to buy his own children Christmas presents so I had to buy them and he was angry with me for doing so. When we were living together I went to work everyday paid all the expenses while he contributed nothing. He went through the 3 jobs in 6 months and used the excuse that his arm hurt so he quit them all. He lets me pay for all of our dates and I am even footing the bill for this weekend getaway.
I completely understand your concept of letting go. Will letting go make him more responsible? He says he will get a job after his arm is cured (almost there) but I don’t want to be the only one working and hand my pay check to him while he tells me I can not buy my favorite face cream ect or give money to my children.
I want to respect him but it is kind of hard. He was working up until we got married (less than a year ago) but then quit shortly thereafter.
He left after I told him I felt less of a woman because it seemed he had no desire to take care of me or our future.
Sent from my iPad
Tammy, How exciting that you’re moving toward reconciliation with your husband! I’m happy to hear that. I can relate to having a husband who isn’t working, and I remember how painful that was. And I remember how scary it was to relinquish control of our finances and go all in. I changed my negative affirmations about him at the same time and now he’s had a successful business for 15 years. Only you know what’s best for your situation, but now I wouldn’t go back!
Thank you Laura! I am going to take your advice. My biggest obstacle are my children. This is the second marriage for both of us. My first husband of 27 years passed away and he was very generous. My children do not like my new husband at all and think he is using me.
My two oldest , who live on their own, confronted my husband about this and that is one of the reasons why he left. I want to build my husband up in a positive way but my adult children may be a problem if he does not return to work right away.
Tammy, Sounds like your children want to protect you, which is natural. In many ways your children are cueing off of you. You are your husband’s spokesperson. If you build him up that version of your husband will come into focus for them too. You have a lot of influence. I hear you want to build him up and I admire that.
Thanks again for your awesome advice. I have tried for a while now to get my kids to like my husband but they refuse. I do build him up and tell them how wonderful he is, but they have deaf ears, I replaced their Dad and they are upset about it. Death does strange things to people.
I’ll come back in a few months and keep you updated on how things are going 🙂
Sent from my iPad
Hi, my husband left me 10 months ago after telling me he didn’t love me anymore 3 months previously. I found after he left he had been ‘confiding’ in a work colleague ( female) about his unhappiness , started seeing her and now has moved in with her!
I feel that it’s all gone and I feel for my kids . I try and stay calm but my anger at him does bubble over.
Is there any chance of reconciliation?
Mia, This is heartbreaking to hear. I’m so sorry. Of course you’re angry. You’re only human. There is definitely hope for you to reconcile, and by that I mean to make your marriage amazing again. We have an expression: A wife with Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays. You are his wife and mother of his children, and you have the power.
I don’t know if you are familiar with The Six Intimacy Skills yet, but if not, consider reading The Empowered Wife ASAP. Given the crisis in your marriage, you will definitely want to consider getting a coach to help you restore your family. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
My husband and I has been married for only 5 months and then one day he said he needed space, that there is no point in continuing the relationship because the connection we once had was gone. He just left. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared that while he is out enjoying his space, he’ll find someone else and will surely end our marriage.
Xyrene, I’m sorry to hear about your husband leaving! That’s so painful. There is hope for restoring your marriage and regaining that connection you once had. I’d love to see you get some support with it. Start by reading or listening to The Empowered Wife, which lays out The Six Intimacy Skills step-by-step. Next, consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to uncover the best move for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I thought your article was very informative however my husband is hundred miles away he’s a soldier and went to Korea for a year. My sons and I were suppose to join him but after a few weeks of being there he suddenly had a complete change of heart. He has hired a lawyer and started the whole divorce process, he won’t talk to me and has completely shut me out. I feel he is being coached by someone or several people. My question is your advice is good if my husband was here stateside but since he is so far away is there anything I can do to try and win him back?
Monica, That is heartbreaking. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I see how that makes it more challenging to use The Intimacy Skills with your husband, but I feel there is still hope. This deserves a longer conversation. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and figure out the best move for your marriage. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
what if your spouse has married someone else? is there still hope?
Shattered, I’m so sorry to hear that your husband is married to someone else now. That sounds very painful. Sounds like you are divorced and he is remarried. Is that correct? In that case, I can’t offer much hope for a reconciliation. I’m so sorry.
Your advice is awsome
we did not divorce he moved out of the country to follow his mistress and i found out on facebook that they got married
Shattered, So sorry to hear! Sounds like this deserves a longer conversation. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call, to connect with one of my coaches and figure out your best move. You can apply here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi Laura, my husband has been gone for nearly eight weeks. Before I read your blog I have been trying to make every interaction with him a positive one however how do i know he doesn’t just think I am happy because I have accepted his decision to leave and am moving on? He is very resistant to rebuilding the marriage and me and my daughter are devistated so it is really difficult to remain positive.
CJ, I’m sorry to hear about the devastation in your family with your husband leaving and being resistant to rebuilding. That’s heartbreaking. Your story can still have a happy ending though. There’s every reason to be hopeful that you can revitalize your marriage and make it vibrant again. I’m not sure if you know about The Six Intimacy Skills yet, but you’ll definitely want to get your hands on those if not. I’d also love to see you get some support. It makes all the difference when there’s a marriage hanging in the balance. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Thank you For your response Laura. Can you recommend which of your books I should get first to learn the six intimacy skills? Have you had many successes with reluctant husbands who are no longer living in the marital home? Thank you!
CJ, Yes, we have had great success with reluctant husbands who are no longer living in the marital home. I suggest you start with The Empowered Wife, which outlines the 6 Intimacy Skills step-by-step. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com
Hi Laura
My husband left our home in 2013 when i was 7 months pregnant due to work and we’ve been in a long distant marriege ever since,2015 i found out he had cheated on me and the lady he was with him to divorce me he refused me and he refused and the lady got furious and had him arrested under false information. Thats how i found out about the affair,however we spoke things through and wanted to continue with our marriege. In October he then became distant always seem distracted when he came home to be with us, whenever i asked him whats wrong he never seemed to want to talk about it. Early January 2016 he called and we had a long conversation and he said he wanted a divorce,i asked him if it was because of that lady he said no and told me he loved and that we had compromise our marriege. I was devasted for days, in February i received the divorce papers and i signed them. However he then told me not to send them through we will do it together when he comes home. He always postponed coming to see us,and in April he told me he no longer wants the divorce and i should tear the papers and said he loved me and our daughter very much and he doesnt care what happens or who foes what. When talk constantly on the phone and we text from dawn till evening but he still hasnt come to see us. Im whenever i ask him if he has left us, he says no and says he loves us very much and wants a future with us and no one else but i cant help worry about that other woman and why hasnt he come to see us like before.
Patience, This sounds so lonely for you, and scary too because you never know exactly what’s happening. Sorry to hear. I can see why you’re worried. This deserves a longer conversation because your whole family is hanging in the balance. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and determine the best move for your marriage. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi my husband and I had a fight and he left I thought he would come back like he always does but he didn’t it’s going to be two months already. I took our kids to see him at his job because I don’t know where he is living at and he keeps promising them that he will see them he tells them not to talk about me with him because he gets stressed out they ask him when will you come back we all miss you he tells them never. I don’t know what to do we’ve been together 20yrs and I feel empty without him I just don’t want to live anymore I cry at all times I’m not complete without him. I regret everything bad I ever said or did to him I now know how much he means to me I should of paid more attention to him than always being with our kids. I neglected him so much, and now I’m lost without him I need him back because I love him. What can I do? Please help me I’m losing my mind.
Laly, I’m so sorry to hear about the separation and stress in your 20 year marriage. That’s rough. There is plenty you can do to restore your marriage and make it everything you dreamed of. I’d love to see you get some support and also get The Six Intimacy Skills. Have you read or listened to The Empowered Wife? If not, start with that as soon as you can. Then once you’ve read or listened to that, consider applying for a complimentary discovery session to figure out the best move for your marriage. You can apply for that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
My husband left me 4 months ago he is now with the women he was messaging while we were married and says he wants a divorce I want him back we have a 15 months old baby what do I do can I turn it around
Donna, I can imagine your heartbreak. Sorry to hear about the separation and the affair. Very painful. I’m glad you reached out for help. I know it doesn’t seem possible at this moment, but I see women in your situation recover their marriages completely and they become better than ever before, and if they can do it, then you can do it too. There’s not a moment to lose though. You’ll want to get your hands on The Six Intimacy Skills and to get support also. Start by reading The Empowered Wife, which lays out the Six Intimacy Skills step-by-step. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com
And once you’ve read at least half of it, consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and figure out the best move for your marriage. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I saw him yesterday for the first time in a month when he was visiting his daughter and I pretended it was a date and he showed no interest what so ever! Feeling hopeless and as though he will never ever come back to me. Out of curiosity does it take a long time for your other clients/stories for their husbands to come back and how can you change someone’s mind if it’s made up. I feel so lost o know where I went wrong and I am working on changing for myself and him but I am slowly losing hope
Donna, Good for you for pretending your visit was a date! I admire that. That takes courage and faith. It can take time to see him shift, but sometimes things are happening that you can’t see. I wish I could help you solve this in a blog comment, but it’s hard to be consistent and keep the faith without support and community. That’s what I want for you the most–that you would have some cheerleaders for inspiration and motivation. It makes all the difference, in my experience. Have you applied for a complimentary discovery call yet? You’ll find it so valuable.
Hi Laura, i need your help. Me and my husband having difficulty in our relationship. We are married for 3 years but he left me 2 weeks ago. We have 1 year and 3 months old baby. what should i do? Thank you.
Mayne, So sorry to hear about your husband leaving. That must be so painful. Thanks for reaching out for support. There is every reason to be hopeful about your marriage and reuniting your family! I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and explore the best move you can make for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi, My situation is he left me right after I had a baby. We had an argument and he packed his stuff and left. Its been about 3 months now he doesnt live at home. No one can talk to him. He will not say what he wants either a divorce or work on his marriage. I am living in limbo for the past few months. we only comunicate about the baby. How can I get him to talk?
Sam, That sounds scary and lonely. I’m sorry to hear about the separation. I’m more interested in what you want than him since you are the keeper of the relationship and I think what you want is to revitalize your marriage and make it great again, right? It’s all possible. I’d love to see you get support. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and determine the best move for your marriage. You’ll find it very valuable. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
HI Sam,
I’m going through a similar situation. My husband left 3 months ago. We’ve been married 7yrs. We have a beautiful 3yr old daughter. The only time we communicate is when it concerns our daughter. The most painful part is that my daughter is autistic. She needs both of us. He won’t listen to anyone who talks to him about coming back. I understand what you are going through. I want him back.
Alexandra, I’m sorry to hear about your heartbreaking separation of 3 months. Sounds very painful. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to support you in restoring your marriage. Despite what he’s saying, it’s still possible. Really.
My husband just left me with his suitcase and work laptap. I have no idea where his going. I text and call him but no response . He thinks I’m seeing another man when his working. And my biggest problem is he drinks alcohol like water. Also his in steroid
Nene, I’m sorry to hear about your husband leaving without communication. That is maddening. And the drinking and suspicion also sound like painful problems. I’ve seen some pretty desperate situations turn around when the wife gets the right information and decides to use her power to make the marriage intimate again, so there’s still hope for you, too.
Hi
I have been reading your book The Empowered Wife and half way through and it is difficult to put down as it is so good but what worries me is its all about women who want to leave their husbands so I am anxious that the strategies will not help me to get my husband to return home to me especially as he left 4 months ago and is now seeing someone he was messaging whilst we were married. I am trying to remain positive and love the book but it seems to be more from the perspective of a women not wanting her man as opposed to the man leaving her any help or advice I have booked a complimentary call
Donna, I’m so sorry to hear about your separation and the other woman and all this with a baby! I can see why you’re feeling afraid and hopeless. What you need to know is that many women before you have used the Intimacy Skills you’re reading about to revitalize their marriage even with an affair going on. I’m excited for you that you’ve got a discovery call coming up because I would love to see you get support with getting him back. You can do it. A wife with Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays. Don’t forget your’e the one he married in front of God and everybody.
Also, you’re sexier to him than you realize. It’s not about competing with the other woman. You can do this, Donna. Hang in there.
Plus you mention seducing him and intamacy on a physical level here is no way that will happen even if I did try it because he is seeing someone wale who shares his love of exercise I can’t compete with that
My husband left me back in january. He’s been having a affair with a coworker. I actually find out he was living a double life. Lying to her and me. They were living together as a couple sharing a flat since february. During that time he was saying to me we still have a possibility and could make it throught. Didnt want to talk divorce. He was saying to her i wasnt ready. Now all in the open.
He still say he want to be my best friend that i am his soulmate but its her he want. At the moment he has to show her every text and call he get. He is not allowed to text me or call me even so we have a daughter. He is not allowed to leave the room and talk to our daughter or myself in private. He is still lying to her as he send me emails which she doesnt know about.he didnt even tell her we were talking best friend that i am the only one who knows him and support him. But he says he lives loves her. He also says he care about me that he doesnt want to loose me as his best friend.
So if he loves her why keep emailing me and hidding it?
I love my husband yes i want him baxk which my be stupid. But i can see the man i fell in love within him. We been together 14 years . I was his second wife. He was still is my first husband. The man he is with her is not the man that i knew and know is still inside.
How long can he keep up with no privacy? Showing texts and proving where he is? Can i win him back ? Is there hope still? What can i do? Shall i just let him go?
I dont know why but got this dreadul feeling that he is making the biggest mistake he has ever made. I am also wondering if because of the problems we had he thinks he is in love with her. He said she make him happy. To which i said untill u r happy within yourself that wont last long because sooner or later what is missing inside you will come back.
Please advice me. I am at lost. I really want him back but is there hope?
Why keep our email secret?
Steph, Your husband’s affair sounds very painful and sad. I’m with you that he obviously still loves you if he’s emailing you on the sly and hiding it from her. I’m not surprised she’s so controlling–most mistresses don’t know the Intimacy Skill or they wouldn’t have picked someone else’s husband! But it bodes very well for you because how long can he stand her acting that way? So there’s plenty of hope to save your marriage and get him back all to yourself. I’d love to see you get support with this. The first step is to apply for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and determine the best move for your marriage. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Laura,
The first thing we should tell a wife whose husband has cheated on her, is to love herself first and get herself stronger than she is now.
If a wife cheated in her husband, men would not advise him to go running and begging to her. Why do we often hear women tell other women to make the adjustment in herself, when he is the one who did the sin, not her. This is bad advice that hurts women
Kitt, I can see why you feel that way. In my experience, most marriages are comprised of more than one sinner–not one sinner and one saint. While it’s never fun to look at my part in a breakdown, it has been incredibly empowering to focus on cleaning my side of the street. It’s easier and enormously tempting to demonize the other person, but never gets me what I really want, which is to be my best self and have a playful, passionate relationship.
Hi Donna thank you for your reply.
This saturday night he came around for half a hour.
I called him asking if he could as i needed to talk to him in private. He didnt want to not even go into another room for us to talk more privatly. I told him that he did wrong by me too and should try to repair some of it. He said if was to come he will be trouble so i told him fine. Dont bother. The next thing he is there knocking at my door. So we talked. Then i emailed him to said thank you and that him coming show he still cares. That it wasnt just words. For once he acted. When he came to take his daughter out he said the email made him smile.
Now next week the OW is going for a overnight stay at hospital for a small surgery nothing serious. He asked if he could come around for a cuppa. I said yes and then he said lets keep it between us?? I am his wife so why do i feel like the other woman??
He still says he loves her not me. That i am just his best friend and soulmate.
I am still at lost. And yes i want him back but a part of me wonder why he is doing that?? Our “friendship” a secret?? Why surely that shouldnt be a problem? Why if he try to restore some trust in bis new relationship and be open and all is he keeping our emails and us seeing each other, not for long mind u, a secret?
I am just wondering what i can do in the meantime.
Regarding yr coaching how does it work? How much it is?
Steph, It’s all very confusing and painful, I can imagine! I think it’s a very good sign though for you getting your marriage back and getting the OW out of it. It’s a longer conversation than we can have here in blog comments, but I hope you’ll take me up on my invitation to apply for a discovery call.
Hellow Laura,
I Am Newly Married On Starting March But There Is No Magic In My Married Life.
Thank You.
Hi laura
It seem hard. Hard cuz if i do text him.regarding our daughter he does not reply be ause his new partner will get a strop on when she see my name come up.
We cant talk on phone as she is always there with him. He says cuz he tryi g to repair his relationship with her becuase of the lies he has to keep our friendship secret. He keep saying be loves her ot me. So why all this secrecy?? As they been living as a couple for 6 months and all his lies are i the open is there a chance for me to win him back? How can i achieve that? Have u got any advice toget me started. I am waiting for yr book. I am also wondering if there is hope ? I just dont understa d all this secrecy even so i am still his wife.
Steph, I can see why you’re having a hard time. That’s rough! I’d love to see you get with one of the coaches and get support, because it is totally possible to have the kind of marriage you want to have with your husband again. You seem very committed and I admire that.
Hi Laura,
I only just read your post. I typed in Google I would do anything to save my marriage and your post came up. The thing is I would have done anything but I have a unique situation where my husband said he wanted a divorce over the phone and then never came home never got his things. That was 7 months ago. He changed his phone number and his email. I have contacted him only a handful of times because we have a house together, but he refuses to speak to me. I feel like he left yesterday and don’t feel like I have moved forward. The thing is what he has done and how he has treated our relationship clearly speaks he has no intention of ever returning. We were married for 5 years together for 8 and known each other for 12. What do you suggest in a situation like this one.
Heather, That sounds excruciating, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Even in situations where there’s not much contact between the couple, using the 6 Intimacy Skills changes everything. There was passion there once and there can be again. It’s less about his intentions and more about yours. What are your intentions? Sounds like you want your marriage back, and I want that for you too. Consider coming to the Cherished for Life Weekend and getting a jump start on practicing the Skills! All the details are here:
http://cherishedforlife.com/
Hi Laura,
Thanks for responding. Yes my intentions have been to save my marriage but with absolutely no contact I have resorted to simply prayer. I will look up the conference. What would you suggest for me to do in this moment. I haven’t contacted him because I want to respect he doesn’t want to speak with me. He told my best friend he was dating and he wished I just had a boyfriend. When I did write him a letter soon after he left he burned it in front of our friends and said that I cannot try to reach him through our friends.
Heather, I’m so sorry to hear about his unwillingness to communicate. I wish I had a simple answer for you, but it’s a longer conversation than I can have in a blog response. I hope you can make your way to the Cherished for Life Weekend! You’re going to be really glad you did.
Heather-I am going through something similar. We were living in Vermont, bought a house in Florida. I came down first and the plan was for him to go back and get that house ready to sell and then come down. We thought it would take about 6 months..it’s going on 18 months. Last fall, he stopped communicating at the end of Oct….left me financially down the tubes. I finally flew up there in January…he knew I was there and wouldnot come home. I finally was able to talk to him at work and he did come home. He said he didn’t call because he didn’t know what to say….we seemed to be moving along until July and now, it has reverted to no communication..turned off the cell phone, won’t answer a letter, was even going to let house go into foreclosure. It is only my actions that have been saving it. Put it on the market a week ago, the way it is-not completely ready. I have read all Laura’s books…I am trying to put it into practice..I am trying to take care of myself. It is difficult…I donot want to live in Florida all by myself…I want to go home….Laura…how do you know when to let go and divorce? I really cannot live in limbo like this?
Roxanne, Sounds really difficult! I can see why you’re not wanting to live this way. I would love to see you get the support of a coach to walk you through this. As long as you’re still married there’s still hope to restore your marriage with the right skills and support. Have you had a complimentary discovery call? If not, that’s the next step for sure. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Laura- I have had a discovery call which was so supportive. I cannot afford a full counseling session..are there any other options…I need help so I can get this marriage back together or the strength to let it go….I really don’t know how much longer I can go on like this……it’s so difficult. Thanks
Roxanne, Is there any way you can join us at the Cherished for Life Weekend on the 23rd? That would be a great way to get a quantum leap in your relationship. You can see all the details here:
http://cherishedforlife.com
Laura- I wish that I could…it sounds like such a fun, exciting and wonderful weekend. Unfortunately, I am the sole caretaker of this farm and also nurse…so…you know I am working that weekend!!!!!!!!! I have all your books, and I am so pushing myself to take care of me in spite of the emotional turmoil. I want to save this marriage, but I am the only one trying to do anything…..even though I’m probably not doing it well….1600 miles apart makes it very easy for him to not participate……out of sight, out of mind…….
Roxanne, I admire your commitment! There’s definitely hope for your marriage.
How about attending this free webinar for some inspiration. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life.
https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining
I have signed up. Thank you so much.
Hi Roxanne,
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I know how excruciating it is and I will pray for your marriage. For me when my husband completely checked out not only all responsibility but also emotionally abandoned me it crushed my whole identity. I don’t have the answers but maybe there is comfort in someone knowing what you are going through and I have and will hold onto hope for your marriage and for positive change in your own life.
My husband left our 20 year effortless marriage four months ago. He had said he wanted to live alone, something exciting,felt dragged down and wanted something different. I panicked. We decided to sell the house to ease our financial pressures (I wasn’t working for the first time in our relationship). So we did. During this time he became increasingly agitated and distant. He wouldn’t say what was wrong and didn’t want to discuss anything. I tried to be ‘normal’. He had started his 3rd job in November when all this started. The house sold we moved into a rental on the Friday and he left on the Sunday. He said to clear his head. Saying he couldn’t do this anymore;didn’t want to buy a house. He is living in his home town but we have met a few times. He has stated he doesn’t want to fix it and showed joy when I noticed he’d taken off his ring. He has said to his sister that he likes his life ‘no bills no responsibility’. Our adult children are devastated. I started a new job but couldn’t function with all the stress and change and stopped a few weeks ago. When we meet his story changes but the bottom line is he seems miserable, has a new job with more flexibility. I torture myself with ideas of reconciliation but don’t know how to reach him, he’s so guarded. He said he cares about me and wants to support me through all this but shows no sign of coming back. Im considering turning up at his flat to try and shift his resolve. He doesn’t seem fundamentally happy and I know he said he was lonely. I’m struggling despite exercise,good friends and a bit of work. I suspect I’m depressed. Its been a week since his last functional text re money into my account. We have contact via his sister,a friend and the children so hard not to know about each other. Our last meeting was up and down. He still seems angry but seemed upset when I bought his watch to him. I think hEdinburgh left because of increasing work and relationship stress (partly induced by his withdrawal). He showed paranoia,anger,agitation,physical ailments, lack of sleep, a job he didn’t like and long days travelling. Money was tight. Any thoughts on helping to turn him around to be amenable to reconciliation?
Linda, Yes, I definitely think this relationship can be saved and be better than it’s been in many years. I’m sorry to hear about the stress and pain you’re going through now–it sounds awful. I invite you to get a guide before you show up at his flat to try to change his mind as it can be quite tricky to do it on your own. But with the 6 Intimacy Skills and support and inspiration you can save your family. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and determine the best move for your relationship here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi,
Last year I discovered that my husband had an affair, he dumped her in 30 seconds. He did the impossible to have me back. He even booked a confirmation of our wedding in my church.
We had counselling as I couldn’t see how to cope.
Things were great, he was overdoing it, we were together all the time.
We have other problems, money is a big issue, his shift work is destroying him, lots to do to follow the kids school and sports activities….
After our holiday, he went back to the shift pattern at work and started to become miserable.
We had a silly argument and he exploded saying that he had enough and doesn’t love me anymore. He moved out to his mother’s house and she says that he won’t talk and that his head seems to be in the wrong gear.
2 weeks on I sent him a text to ask him if he wants to meet up without getting at each other’s throats, he replied that he was thinking to take me to cinema if I was free. I said yes and we went last night. After that we talked about the kids, picked them up and he took us back. He doesn’t do anything affectionate anymore, his mum said he was looking more relaxed when he got back. He hasn’t talked about divorce, we had an opportunity to sell the house but he has put it on hold.
Part of me wants to tell him that I love him, the other part of me wants to tell him to …. Best not to swear. Everybody seem to think he is confused. He doesn’t seem to have someone else.
Not sure what to do.
Part of our past problems was that he always felt not needed.
Thanks for reading this
Mari, I’m sorry to hear about the affair and the heartbreak for your family. Sounds like it’s hard to know what to do from here. I can see why you’re feeling angry and hurt. When my marriage was at it’s lowest point it seemed completely hopeless, but that turned out to be the breakdown before the breakthrough. Once I started practicing the Six Intimacy Skills it was one miracle after another. There is every reason to be hopeful that your marriage can heal and be amazing again too. I describe the Intimacy Skills in detail in my book, The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here:
https://lauradoyle.org/first-kill-all-the-marriage-counselors/
Hello Laura,
My husband of 16years has suddenly decided he has had enough and told me we are done . I found out he had cheated last month with a much older woman ,then he said sorry and said it was all over and that nobody could replace his wifey …. Now he wants to leave me penniless with a child to take care of . I am at my wits end as we both do not have any relatives here and he has become really cruel and abusive . He has even pushed me and my son and has hurt my little boy by being verbally vile to me in front of him .The father and son duo were inseparable and did everything together but from the day he made his announcement ,he shuns my son who is so so sad that his Dad has become like this . He says there is no one in his life although he stays overnight most weekends . My surprise is that we were fine the previous night and the next day he just sent a text saying its over . After that its been abuse after abuse ,but last week I told him I would call the cops if he touches me again after an episode of pushing where I hurt my hand .Now there is an eerie silence in the house as my son is nervous around him and we are living in this tense environment .Some friends ask me to file for divorce ,while some others are advising me to wait .I am devastated as I quit my high flying job to look after our child and him . Without a job and a bleak future ,I am very scared and do not know how to deal with this trauma . I have asked him for an explanation and he says nothing other than he wants to clear his head and that our son is collateral damage !! Not one day has he sat down like an adult and explained what is happening ….He had changed after taking up body building last year and taking supplements etc . I could see he was becoming more narcissistic ,always looking at himself ,buying more and more clothes etc ,but I never saw this coming !!Any advice you can give is welcome and I would be grateful as my son is really hurting that his Dad has suddenly turned into this monster . I am very frightened too about the future and the fact that I sacrificed so many years just to be treated like this ??
KP, I’m so sorry to hear about the abuse and your husband’s threats to abandon you and your son. It sounds incredibly hurtful and scary. I know it must seem hopeless right now, but your marriage can be saved and be better than ever. I’d love to see you get some support with that though, as it sounds pretty tough to handle alone. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and determine the best move for your relationship. You can do that at the link below. I admire your commitment.
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
My situation is a little, we decided to take a break and find ourselves, well he started seeing and ended up moving in with his gf, less than a month after our separation. But we have been having sex since we separated, and still to this day we are having sex, but he lives with the gf, says they are in love and wants to see where it may go, but he hasn’t been faithful since they have be together, she doesn’t know that he still comes over and definitely don’t know we are having sex still. I know the physical attraction between us is still there he can take is eyes off me when he comes to pick up the kids. I also know he still loves me. I did take time to change what I wasn’t happy about, and I know I am now the person he wanted me to be, I lodt weight, started dressing up, doing my hair and make up, and just being more confident about myself. But now I am not sure what else I can do to get him back.
Amber, It’s so painful to be in that situation and I admire all that you’ve done to reclaim yourself and your confidence. It’s not easy! You’re on the right track for getting your marriage back, and a wife trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays. You’re the one he committed to in front of God and everyone, and the mother of his children, where his whole life is. I’d love to see you get some support with restoring your relationship and your family because it can be tricky to do it all alone without getting discouraged. If you would like, I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move for your relationship. You’ll find it so valuable. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I don’t know where to begin. We have been together for 20 years, married for almost 17. We don’t have children, never wanted them because we are big kids who never wanted to share each other. To everyone, including myself, we were the “perfect couple”. Rarely argued, always laughing and enjoying being with each other. Truly best friends. Our sex life HAS diminished over the years but we seemed to still be ok. About a month ago, I noticed he had changed. Little things, exercising more, losing weight, really taking extra care with his appearance. But the kicker was he put a password on his cell phone. Time and time again we talked and he said we were fine. Finally four days ago, I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and needed to know what was going on. He admitted there was another woman. He worked with her, there was an instant connection, they’ve been texting constantly, even met outside of work several times and he thought he loved her…and while he loved me, he wasn’t in love with me anymore. I told him I thought we had too much between us and have been through too much together to just throw it away. I wanted to fight for us. He said he wanted to talk to her, see how he felt and we would go from there. Fast forward to last night. He met her and they talked for hours. He came home and agreed that while we have a lot of history, he does love her and wants to be with her. He will always care for me and love me but doesn’t think he can put 100% effort into saving our marriage. He basically said he cant work on us while wanting to be with her. He held me while I cried for hours and said he would continue to hold me as long and often as I need him to. He is staying at home with me as long as I need him and is adamant about not leaving me “high & dry”. He is accepting responsibility and wants to help me through this (feelings, bills, etc). He told me he does love me but its not the level I need it to be. He said I will always be his best friend and he will always be there for me, regardless of our situation. To which I told him that his new friend wouldn’t care for that. He said he’s told her that he refuses to cut me out of his life. And since she’s been through a divorce before, she knows how hard it is and is fine with it. Well give her a prize. He is still the caring, attentive, loving man I married, he just wants to be with her. Since he came clean, he has been completely honest about everything, even to questions that I know I shouldn’t ask but I do. He hasn’t slept with her yet as he didn’t want to do that while he is still married to me. But he has kissed her on the several occasions they met outside of work. He said he is willing to do whatever I need, including moving out. But I don’t want him to leave. I told him we will take it day by day and figure out what we need to do (separation, divorce). I love him enough to let him go and want him to be happy even if it’s not with me. I have purchased you FCAMC book but everything I have read so far, I’ve always done. Complimenting him, thanking him, etc. I love this man so much and want to fight for us. Even if he doesn’t. What do I do? Can we save our marriage?
Jaimie, That sounds incredibly painful and heartbreaking! I’m so sorry to hear about your husband having an affair with a woman from work. It’s devastating. Here’s the good news: You’re his wife, she’s just a mistress. Wives always have the power and mistresses are on very thin ice. There’s every reason to be hopeful that you can save your marriage and make it better than ever. I’d love to see you get some support with this ASAP. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move for your relationship at the link below. You will find it very valuable:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
After searching the Internet for anything and everything that could help guide me into wanting my husband (who recently separated from me and moved out) to reconcile, I found this your article. This spoke to me in volumes and has given me hope in this unbearably hard time. We have 3 young children who I always put first. I am now realising my husband should have come first and I should have been more aware of his frustrations. This man is without a doubt my soul mate and love of my life, an amazing father and husband. He says he feels lost and isn’t sure what he wants. There has never been any infidelity and we never even fight (but maybe we should have?). We have been together for 7 years and he feels like communication is our biggest issue. He is distance but talks to me every day about important things and lesser important things and comes to see the kids often. Says he loves me and it is hard for him to be away. Any further help would be appreciated as far as any further steps I can take. We have been separated 4 torchurous weeks. Thank you!
Calli, I’m sorry to hear about the painful separation! As difficult as this is, it’s not hopeless. I hear so much in this post that tells me this marriage can be revitalized and be better than ever! You have the power to do it. I’d love to see you get support with this ASAP. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call where you can connect with one of my coaches and explore the best move for your marriage and your family. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I have no where else to turn since after 29 years of marriage my husband would not even consider getting help.. his affair has taken him away from me.. she really got to his emotional side.. he says I was not there for him emotionally.. he moved out 4 months age and I feel like I’m going through hell all though I try to work on me and keep it together for my 3 sons.. I barely even see or talk to him at this time.. once every 3 weeks.. not sure how to fix my marriage if we don’t see or talk to each other.. I love my husband dearly and would love to save my marriage.. he already filed for divorce.. I’m devastated..
Laura, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that–having your husband leave for an affair after 29 years is gut-wrenching! I can see where it’s challenging to think about trying to save it when you have so little contact, but I can tell you that I have seen marriages come back from a situation very much like yours. There’s no time to lose though, and I would love to see you get support. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to see if having a certified coach might be right for you. You’ll find the call very valuable. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Laura,
I have such a mess….last year I found out a nurse had feelings for my husband and our problems began. I cried, I tried to give space, I tried it all. Then in Feb. our home burned down and 3 weeks later he left. I know he told me he felt disrespected and when I apologize it doesn’t seem to help. I know he is seeing this nurse now and he has been out of the house since March. I filed for divorce and he later told me I shouldn’t have. So I stopped the divorce and fired my attorney. He is upset at the money lawyers wasted and other things for our insurance claim. I have begun to read both of your books. How do I practice any of these skills if he is not around. I have apologize for the disrespect, I have tried “whatever you think”. He’s just so mad at me. If Im quiet and don’t talk to him I am afraid he will think I am happy he is still gone. We also have one daughter living at home who is now living with him. I get angry not wanting my daughter around this woman who wrecked 2 homes. I don’t know what to do at this point. We went to counseling 2 times and he doesn’t want to go back. I understand the disrespect over the years and him seeking that. But up until he left we were still intimate even though he told me he didn’t love me and he now says he destine miss me. How do I possibly win him back. I am 100% committed to reconciliation. started exercising a year ago, lost 25 pounds, always make sure I am looking good when I see him and make sure I am taking care of myself. I just feel like nothing I do is helping…..Help!!
Tina, I admire that you’re 100% committed to reconciling! That takes courage and commitment. I’m sorry you’re in this painful situation, but it is absolutely possible to get your marriage back and make it amazing again using the Intimacy Skills. There’s every reason to be hopeful. I would love to see you get support. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my certified coaches and determine what would be the best move for your marriage. You have the power–all you need is someone to guide you. You can apply for that call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Laura, a lot of great points and I will definitely keep some of these points as my own personal mantra. My situation is that we gave been married over 20 years and two years ago I discovered my husband’s affair. Eventually he cut-off contact with the other woman and we tried to reconcile. And we did pretty well at getting our life back on track — it was 100% but we were doing well. Then a month ago, I found out that he re-opened contact with this woman and went to visit her and spent the weekend with her. This has opened up all the hurt and pain again. My husband says he loves me (he said at one time that he also loved her) and that he’s confused. He went to see her because he needed to “face his deamons”. Ultimately, he says that what he wants is to not be confused and be in our marriage, fully committed. He has started personal counselling. My question is, how effective are the steps you mention if my husband stays in contact with the other woman. How imperative is it that all contact is severed? (The other woman lives in another state so contact is only through phone). I would like to try to re-store my marriage but should I put my foot down and say that the only way I will work to re-build intimacy is if he stops all contact. Would very much appreciate your thoughts and guidance on this!
Lauren, That must be devastating for you that he contacted her again. I can see how that opened up all the hurt again, definitely. Fortunately, this is all fixable with the Intimacy Skills, even if he is in contact with her. We have a saying around here: A wife with Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays. You have the power to put your family back together and make your marriage amazing again. I’d love to see you get support with implementing them. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches might be right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
My husband and I have been together 10 years and married for 6 years. We have a 9 year old daughter and a 3.5 month old baby. Over the summer my husband and daughter went to an amusement park while I was working. My daughter met a girl and boy who she went on rides with all day. My husband exchanged numbers with the mother so the kids could possibly meet up again if they went back. They were honest with me and told me about their new friends. My husband and the woman became friends on Facebook as well. My husband and I don’t have a perfect marriage but I wasn’t aware of any major issues. We made an offer on a house at the end of August, our baby was born in early September and we closed on our house in mid October. At the end of November my husband brought some bags in from his car and when I went through them, one had an empty box of 12 condoms in it with 3 empty wrappers in the bottom of the bag. Of course I flipped out and told him to leave. He told me our marriage has been over for years and we don’t love each other and we’ve only been together for our kids. These are all things I was not aware of. I love my husband and never imagined myself with anyone else for the rest of my life. I got paper phone bills and found that he’s been talking to the mom from the amusement park for hours on the phone every night. She lives an hour and a half from us but my husband would always say he was staying at his mom’s on weekends doing painting and things for her new house. I can see from the phone bill that he will go see this person on a Friday or Saturday night from about 8pm to 2am but doesn’t seem to sleep over. It upsets me more that they spend hours on the phone a night. I also wasnt able to see her on Facebook but my sister and friends could. This means she had me blocked ahead of time so I wouldn’t see her. I know she knew about me. I’m guessing from the call log they started sleeping together in mid August when I was over 8 months pregnant. When our baby girl was born my husband told everyone we were going to try for a boy next time. There was never an indication that he wanted to leave. He has been moved out of the house for 3 weeks and continues to see and talk to her. He said he is 100%sure he wants a divorce but I don’t. I just don’t understand why he would buy a house with me and not tell me. Why did I have to find out myself. If he’s so done with us and in love with her, why didn’t he tell me and go be with her? He helps me with the house and kids by watching them and doing improvements we had planned on for the house but it’s very painful for me to see him frequently and know his heart is with someone else. I sacrifice so much for our family. I worked 40-50 hours a week on my feet dieing my entire pregnancy so I could stay home with my family once she was born. I’m completely heartbroken and empty right now and it hurts more that he is happy and having fun without me and the children.
Jill, What a terrible thing to discover when you’ve just had a baby and bought a house! Ugh. Sounds incredibly heartbreaking. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But there’s hope that you can make your marriage better than it’s been in a long time. I have a community of women who are saving their marriages from situations like yours and supporting each other in the process using The Six Intimacy Skills with the help of a private coach. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if joining our group is right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Laura, I’ve just found your website as I’m desperately looking for hope for my situation.
I found out just before Christmas that my husband has been having an affair with someone I know a little bit but not well. He said it was about 3 months and that he loves her and she loves him and they wanted to be together. I told him to leave if that was the case, which suprised him. We have 2 foster children and he wanted to be home for Christmas to give them a great Christmas. I agreed on the condition that he had no contact with her in that time and that he slept in our bed as I would be trying to win him back. He agreed to all this. On Christmas Day he was getting really anxious that he didn’t know if she was ok so I allowed him to text her and he got no response. Then just before he was leaving after Christmas I allowed him to call her and she had basically buried her head in the sand, hadn’t told anyone she was seeing him etc. She gave him the run around and he went and talked to her and it was all sorted and they were moving on with the relationship. He left just after New Year but the following day she had ended it as she couldn’t stand the guilt. He came home and we tried again. After a couple of weeks, though, he says he loves me but not like he should and he wanted to leave the marriage. I always knew he would contact her again and he did. They agreed to try again but the day after he left home last weekend (again) she was messing him about (again). I was unaware of all this but was getting texts from him saying he did still love me and had never meant to hurt me and thanking me for not giving up on him. Apparently he then gave her an ultimatum and she is now totally committed to the relationship. We still have contact cos of the kids as he will look after them while I’m working and he wants to remain friends with me. He has said that these are non-negotiable and would end their relationship if she put up a fight. I love my husband to bits and wasn’t aware we had problems, although my focus did go towards the kids a bit too much. I’m sure he loves me and so are other people as if they have seen us together in the last 6 weeks and didn’t know the situation they thought we were totally in love and really happy. The kids have no clue about all this and think he is working away. There is no talk of divorce and, although he has taken his wedding ring off he has put it on his other hand. I really think he is in the midst of some sort of emotional problem and I really want to save our marriage.
Dee, This is such a heartbreaking situation you’re in. I’m sorry you’re going through this. What a shock, right? I hear your desire to save your marriage in spite of this situation, and I admire that commitment to your family! You can save your marriage and make it even better than it’s been for a while. I hear lots of good signs in this post. You just need to 6 Intimacy Skills, and given the current crisis I would recommend a coach also. I lay out The Six Intimacy Skills in the book/audiobook The Empowered Wife, and you can read a free chapter of it here:
radoyle.org/first-kill-all-the-marriage-counselors/
If it resonates with you, I encourage you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches would be right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi Laura
I’ve been married for 2 years now.. but my husband has now decided to get divorce. We live separately and also he refuses to take my calls or even to see me. I miss him I want to go back to him. Moreover, my in-laws too want the same. They are doing their every possible move for me not to talk to him. How can I get back to him he is so adamant.. also, he loves listens more to his family.. plz help me how to get back to him..
Prachi, I’m so sorry to hear about your separation and the difficulties of communicating with your husband. Sounds painful and frustrating! I’d love to see you get your hands on the Six Intimacy Skills and then get a coach to help you revitalize your marriage and attract your husband back to you. Even though it seems impossible now, there is still hope. I invite you to attend my free webinar, How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life, which you can register for here:
https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Hie Laura, av been married for 5yrs and the problem in my marriage is financial issues, everytime I suggest on money issues it’s a problem even my own salary, i don’t have a kid and he has one with one of her girlfriend he is 5 months now, it’s difficult for me bcoz he send money to the mother secretly and meet the girl,we are still 2getha how can be a surrendered wife, plz help
Tendai, That does sound incredibly difficult! I’m sorry to hear that’s what you’re going through. I wouldn’t like that either, however, there’s a reason he’s still with his wife and not his baby mama. I’d love to see you get your hands on the 6 Intimacy Skills and see what’s possible for your relationship. You can read about or listen to them in the book/audiobook The Empowered Wife. There’s a free chapter posted here:
https://lauradoyle.org/first-kill-all-the-marriage-counselors/
Hi Laura,
I Loved your 14 ways to get your husband back. My husband of 12 years wants to separate to find his happiness. He know nothing is wrong with our marriage but he is just not happy. I am so devastated and heart broken and don’t know what to do…
Heartbroken, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a difficult situation in your marriage. I know it seems very dark right now, but I also know that you as the wife have so much power to make this marriage great again. It’s not too late. I would love to see you get your hands on the Six Intimacy Skills, which I spell out step-by-step in my book/audiobook The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com
Thank you so much Laura. I’ll read the book.
Heartbroken, Reach out to us if there’s anything we can do to support you. That’s what we’re here for.
Thank you Laura. He moved out today and he had asked me to bring the kids to his place to show them around and where he will be living. We came home and all the children started to sob and I ended up crying all night. I don’t know where to start. I think he wants the relationship to be amicable so we could have family dinner time to time and see me time to time but I am afraid that if I keep it too easy for him to have us over whenever he needs to see us or let him drop by my place when he wants to drop in to see the kids that he might get too comfortable about being separated and it may become a long term and on the other hand I don’t want to restrict him too much because I don’t want him becoming too distant and ends up leaving long term…
Do I need to buy the audio book or is it same book as The Empowered Wife..
Thank you so much for being so supportive.
Heartbroken, I know it can be tricky to navigate this. See if the book (same as the audiobook) resonates with you. I’m positive you can save your marriage and make it great again from what you’ve shared. When you’re ready, I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches is right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Thanks Laura. Which book should I get? The Empowered Wife or the Surrendered wife?
Heartbroken, Either one will be great, but I’m leaning toward The Empowered Wife for you. You can read free chapters of each if you click on the books heading on this website.
So, I’m reading your book The Empowered Wife and am about half way through. My husband had a 6 month affair. It’s been over for 6 months and we’ve been in counseling and ibmve been doing lots of reading on affair recovery. Haven’t been very successful as he has moved out for a week or so. So, I definitely have a problem with being controlling. He calls it manipulative and passive aggressive.
I’ve just been trying to fix the marriage. I know he still loves me, but he is emotionally not available to me anymore. His eyes seem empty? He also has a serious problem with anxiety, having panic attacks, yelling at people he works with. Etc. he is losing it. He tends to be the saver, tidy, a little OCD. In other words, our roles are a little reversed. E says he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. He says he has nothing to give.
For the last couple of days when I’ve seen for a few minutes when he picks up the kids or something, I’ve tried to be chipper, respectful, positive, smiling. I want my marriage to work! These seem like good principles for marriage. I truly want to be respectfu! But sometimes I think I may be disrespectful and I don’t realize it!?! I only have a few minutes i am here and there to try to do these things. I can call him or text him. But I also don’t want him to feel pressure if I am pursuing him??? I don’t want to push him away any farther.
Braveenough, I love your commitment to your marriage and your willingness to look at what you can do to bring back the connection even while you’re in this very painful situation. You are brave! I admire that. You can definitely save your marriage, but I would love to see you have support. My wish for you would be to have a private coach to walk you through the steps to reconnecting and making your relationship magical again. You’ve got the right information, you have the commitment and the courage and now you just need a guide. You have the power to make your marriage work better than it has in a long time.
I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Maybe u can give me some insight.
I don’t know anymore.
My husband left in August for the OW.
Since then he has been calling and texting me. Hidding it from the OW.
He also talked to me about them. Like they are having problems. Since he’s been with her he changed into a arrogant and selfish man. Also lots of anger.
When we talk he said he is hoping to get somewhere and he is hoping that the hurt and cheating was worth it. Not that it is just hoping.
He still doesn’t want to talk divorce saying he is not ready and that he need to get to safe ground with ow before we can talk.
He also like I said texts me and hidding it.
In those texts he call me his best friend and soulmate. That he can’t let me say goodbye because I mean a lot to him and something will be missing in him. That he would be lost without me in his life.
Any ideas what that mean?
Now he also over use the word friend.
U r my friend. That what friend do. Etc….is he trying to convince himself that it all I am???
He also still lies to ow or hid other things.
For example we do have a daughter and he came to see one evening but didnt tell ow. When I ask why he said because she is in a bad mood and would lead to a argument??
Same on Sunday when he come to pick up daughter we talked and he always hid or come up with a lies to her as what took him so long.
Please help I am at lost. He always portrait her as jealous and insecure to me why??
He also said that at some time he feel like he can’t come see daughter because I am there and ow won’t like it.
I need help
My daughter is suffering. And I am really confused as the why of all this.
And yes i wonder if they will last??
Lex, The whole thing sounds incredibly confusing and painful, but I think you’re intuition is telling you that they won’t last as a couple and I completely agree! She clearly does not have Intimacy Skills or she would not have picked someone else’s husband to have a relationship with. A wife with Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Saturday. Your husband is not at his best right now, that’s for sure. But people need love the most when they deserve it the least. I hear you wanting to save your family and I admire your courage and commitment even with his big betrayal. This can be the breakdown before the breakthrough to revitalizing your relationship and making it better than ever. I know an amazing group of women doing the same thing, and you would fit right in. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches would be right for you. I’d love to see you get some support. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Thanks Laura
I do ask myself if our marriage can be saved and if I will ever be able to trust him.
As for confusing well it is. I wonder if he knows what he want.
He did say to me that he can’t come and see our daughter swimming when I am there because the OW made him feel uncomfortable to do so at the beginning. I told him if that the kind of woman he want not only in his life but our daughter life.
Now he saying he is fighting that feeling of uncomfort. Told him it shouldn’t be there inevitable the first place. Because of the way she made him feel at the beginning it’s in printed in him.
Anyway because of the way thing has been between them they went out to talk yesterday. Then he texts me to say his lies are her big problem.
So I ask if he told her about him texting me,thinking that would have been a good time to tell her, and he said no he didn’t and he will carry on texting and hidding it.
Saying that she also hidding the fact she been contacting me.
I did told him she did not what she said. He said he didn’t know nothing about it.
Now one could ask what kind of relationship they have if they hid things and still lie. Or why would he still do that???
Is he trying to convince himself he did the right thing?
I also pointed out that since he’s been with her he hardly if at all see his friends and family. I have more contact with his dad and brother than he does.
I also said he change to a arrogant and selfish person. To which he reply he is trying to be him again.
I don’t know why he still want me in is life. I don’t understand why he said he would be lost without me in it. Or why he call me his best friend and soulmate. I always thought were words you say to a partner.
As for her when she texts it’s because she got a feeling he lied to her and try to find out the truth. Told her not to involve me and why should I help her to save her relationship,her words, with my husband? To which she reply that I should move on. What is she trying to do by involving me???
Anyway when they got back and she went for shower he started texting me again. J don’t understand why.
Lex, It definitely is confusing behavior! But once you get your hands on the Six Intimacy Skills you’ll be able to make sense of it and revitalize your marriage. The OW is definitely going to do herself in with that kind of control! And that’s the outcome I’m standing for–to see your family restored and for her to be the one to move on. You have more power than you realize to make that happen. We’re here to support you in that outcome.
Laura, my husband and I have been married for almost 13 years, together for almost 19. Last year I found out he was having an affair with a coworker and it just about killed me. During this time I realized he is having a midlife crisis and he decided to get sober as he is an alcoholic. I decided to stand by him through it all. There’s been so much back and forth with him leaving to his parents, coming back and then going again. He stopped seeing her for a while but just 2 weeks ago I found them at a hotel together and I lost it completely. Went home threw his things on the front lawn and he said so when do you want me to sign the divorce papers. That’s just it though, I don’t want a divorce. I love him and through this have realized that there are so many things I have done wrong in our relationship. I did your free webinar and bought your book The Surrendered Wife last night and it has opened my eyes to so much. I want our marriage to be healthy and happy. I want to work through all of this but since throwing his things out I have not responded to his texts or calls. His first text was the I’m so sorry you didn’t deserve any of this. I don’t know if I can ever make it right. Then I went away for a couple of days and he put a tracker on my phone because I wouldn’t answer his calls. He texted and told me to drive home safely because he does care even if I don’t think so. Finally I decided I wanted my house keys and extra car key back from him, I was still in anger mode. I asked his mom to please relay the message and he wouldn’t do anything until I talked or texted him. So I sent an angry text telling him to give me my keys back. He said I could have the house keys but he wouldn’t give my extra car key back until he changed the ownership of it to my name. I don’t understand why. Also, he’s still seeing this other woman. Has gotten them a hotel room for the past two weekends. This is killing me. I don’t know what to do. I want to put your advice to use but we haven’t spoken since the last angry texts and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. I want our marriage back, I want my husband back, not the person he has become through this midlife crisis affair. I take full responsibility for my mistakes in our marriage. I understand why he did what he did but now let’s fix it. Just how though? I signed up for the call already and am hoping to hear from someone soon. I need to know if I should contact him or wait for him to contact me. I don’t know how to navigate any of this. It still feels like a bad dream!!! Help please!
Jennifer, I can see why you feel like you’re in a bad dream that you just want to wake up from, and it sounds like you are having the breakdown before the breakthrough. I know it’s painful and heartbreaking to be in this situation, but you can turn it all around and make your marriage healthy and happy again. I can relate to feeling like I had my eyes opened when I learned what I know now about nurturing an intimate relationship. If I can turn my marriage around with the Intimacy Skills, and thousands of women all over the world can too, then why not you? I’d love for you to get support, which was crucial for me. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches is right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi, me and my husband have been together for 25 years and married for 14 years. 3 weeks back during a fight he indicated it is over. Take note we did fight a lot. I always accused him of cheating whilst knowing he is not. We also have a long history of problems during our school years. We have 2 girls 5 and 13. I have been a total mess these past 3 weeks by crying, begging, apologising and all the wrong stuff. He is sleeping in the tv room and does not come home after work. I have tried to seduce him but he refuse saying he feels nothing for me. He indicated that i kept him from living his life and killed him emotionally. I am desperate as i love him truely and do not want to loose him. Please help.
Annette, I’m sorry to hear about the stressful situation you’re in with your husband. I hear that you want to save your relationship and I admire that you’re so committed and that you came here for help. I’m confident that you can revitalize your marriage and make it better than it’s been for a long time! We are here to support you in getting loved and cherished and adored! I know that may sound crazy right now, but it’s very possible for you from what you’ve shared with me here. I’m not sure if you have the Six Intimacy Skills yet, but if not, that’s the first thing to do. Get your hands on the book, The Empowered Wife, which lays them out step-by-step. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/
Hi Laura
I hope you have some advice for me. I will try and make a long story short.
In separated from my husband almost 5 years ago. During the beginning he tried very hard to get me to take him back. We have an 11 year old daughter
I refused to take him back because the reaso8that we separated were still there and he was doing nothing to change. Then he started seeing someone. I was not aware. Then I started noticing chang9in him so naturally I started falling in love again. We began being intimate once again. It was then he told me that he was seeing skme9and it was getting serious. He was confuses and didn’t know what to do. He eventually owed on with her. During the whole year of their relationship our intimacy didn’t stop and then I got pregnant. He told her and she kicked him out. He came back home and me and my daughter were over the moon happy. We were a family. He was hole for 3 months and then the girlfriend was contacting him and they got back together. She has many restrictions on him. He can’t come to my house without his brother other mother because she doesn’t trust us alone. I have a 4 month old and an 11 year old that he barely sees. He calls me everyday in secret. He knows I love him. He knows I want my husband back. I truly don’t forsee that relationship lasting a lifetime and I know that my husband and I will eventually have our happily ever after. But I would like to know what your opinion is. He has told me to move on and date. He doesn’t want me to but he said that it would make me lesa sad. I told him that though I may be sad I don’t cry everyday anymore. I am happy
I have my days…sure. But I am learning to let go because I know that his future is with me and the kids.
Nat, I’m impressed with your amazing commitment and courage to stand for your relationship in such a challenging situation! I agree completely–his future is with you, his wife, and the kids! No question. A wife with Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays. She sounds VERY controlling! And we know that gets old fast, especially when your real life with your wife and kids is waiting for you. Congratulations on finding your happiness despite the circumstances, and bringing your conviction and patience. I’d love to see you get some support. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see about working with a coach. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi, my husband and I separated at the end of Nov last year. 3 weeks later I find out he’s with someone else and spent Christmas with her. I knew about her before but he said he didn’t have feelings for anyone else which was a lie. I saw a message from her on his Fitbit saying telling him that she was awesome and he’d be lucky to have her! I was devastated and was in a very dark place and then in the new year I realised I had to make myself happy. I’d given all my time, love and energy to my husband and totally neglected myself. He was everything to me. He said he just didn’t feel the same way about me anymore and he hated how I would never talk to him about how I was feeling. I realise now that this must’ve been very hard for him as it showed a lack of respect on my part. I wasn’t the innocent party in this separation at all but the way he treated me when he left was horrible. I didn’t recognise the man I married at all. I didn’t communicate with him whilst I got myself happy, purely for selfish reasons and I’m pleased to say I’m nearly there. I’ve just got my own place, lost 35 pounds and feel like I’m finally getting back on track. My husband got back in contact with me last week as he found out about my father being very unwell. We were messaging each other, laughing at each other’s jokes and he sent a couple of pictures of himself (normal pictures) which I thought was strange as I hadn’t asked for any. He told me he’s lost a bit of weight too. I know he is still seeing this other girl and is planning to go to Australia with her at the end of the year. This upsets me very much as we had a holiday to Florida booked this year but cancelled it because we’d separated. I want my husband back. I want us to go back to how we were before I was depressed – I married him because I knew he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I still believe we can. I have your book, First Kill All Marriage Councellors and I am teaching myself the Intimacy Skills. The other girl is a lot younger than me so I feel like I’ve got competition but I miss my husband terribly and need him more than ever with my father being ill. Do you think I could get this to work? Sorry I’ve really rambled on ?
Erica, It feels awful to be lied to like that and then to have him be with another woman, and a younger one to boot! Devastating. I love that you naturally did the first Intimacy Skill of making yourself happy in response. You can absolutely save your marriage and make it monogamous again. Sounds like your husband may already be realizing he made a mistake in leaving you. It helps so much to be part of a community of women who are on the same path. I’d love to see you have that support. I invite you to start with this free webinar on How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life:
https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Thank you for replying Laura ? I didn’t really know what to do when it all happened but I came across your book and website, both of which are helping more and more with every step I take.
I have good days and bad days – seeing pictures on social media of them together so happy and in love is heartbreaking. It feels like a kick in the teeth and that he’s saying ‘ha ha – this is how it should be!’ That’s the relationship I should be having with my husband, not her!
I think he still wants me to want him, even though he’s with someone else. I’m still very close with his family too and his mother always gets emotional whenever she says goodbye to me which is upsetting for us both.
I’m trying to work out a way to get to your Cherished For Life weekend as well, even though I live in the U.K. so fingers crossed!
Erica, I admire your courage and commitment to do what’s in your power to revitalize your marriage despite the pain you’re in! I’ve found that it’s been so worth it to take this journey. I hope we get to meet in person at the Cherished for Life Weekend.
Hello Laura,
My husband has now asked for a divorce and I really don’t know what to do. He said he will sort it and pay for it. I’ve told him I don’t want any of this but he just comes back and says that he didn’t make me happy and that I deserve someone better than him. Who is he to decide that? He made me happy – I just wasn’t happy with myself and didn’t want to go out or do anything. I met up with him a couple of weeks ago and all my feelings came flooding back. He really doesn’t seem happy at all but it could be because he was talking to me and not his girlfriend. Am I really wasting my time with all of this?
Erica, I’m sorry to hear that your husband is asking for divorce and seeing another woman. Ouch. My heart goes out to you. I acknowledge you for your awareness and reconnecting with your feelings and especially for your commitment to stay married. I admire your courage and vulnerability in reaching out for support. I remember wondering whether I was wasting time making an effort with my husband. I’m so glad I persevered and found the 6 Intimacy Skills so I could start making an effort that actually worked. The Intimacy Skills saved my marriage and made it passionate and playful. I want that for you too, and I know it’s waiting for you! I have a free webinar coming up that you will find so valuable. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Whaaaa? Really? This is insane. Sorry, Laura Doyle. Sounds like your advice came out of the 1950’s Betty Crocker Good Wife Guide. Ugh!
Hi!
My husband of 10 years resently left me for an other woman. We have two children, a boy 7 years old, and a girl 1 year old. He says that he has thought of leaving me for several years, and that he has never been passionately in love with me. He says that he has only loved me as a friend for years. We have had our share of problems, especially in our sexlife. But I thought that the love between us was strong and real. I am so hurt, and I feel like our entire life together has been a lie. Why would he want to have a second child with me, if he didn’t love me?? Our daughter was only 8 months old when he told me he was in love with another woman.
Is there any chance to win him back or should I just move on?
Debora, I hear that what you’re going through is so painful. There is absolutely hope of winning him back. In fact, this could be the breakdown before the breakthrough. I have a free webinar that you will find so valuable. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/. You are not alone, Debora. You can do this!
Hi There,
Me and My husband have been married for 8 months together for 2 years. I have a son from a pervious relationship ( very abusive ) ( never had any counselling either to deal with the pas ) When I met my husband I was really happy. Before our wedding i had two outburst of anger, not really remember what have happened. only bits, Alcohol was involved. However we got married and moved to new city. everything was ok. at the beginning , I had little anger outburst due to financial trouble and my husband was going out / i would then try to stop him. Around October last year I started feeling very low. I have been drinking more and more .Once even to the point I have lost my consciousness.I have noticed my husband changed as well, we started distancing ourself from each other. Him more than me. During Xmas we were even thinking of having a baby. but later after new year my husband decided he doesn’t want to have kids any more. then we I started feeling lower and lower. Eventually after my birthday in February at the beginning of my husband said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. But we tried to give it a go for a month. During that time my sister came to visit. We went out for food and had few drinks not much. We got home and I told my sister that I am very low , going to the dr but not feeling like I get up in the morning. My sister Said as she usually do ‘pick your **** together ‘ This was the last think I wanted to hear , and we had a row. Which end you with me losing my ****. I was in a complete melt down. shouting. I really felt like hurting myself. after that my husband left. He is saying that he can’t live in abusive relationship. He has been gone 3 weeks now, he says he doesn’t love me. That he loves my son and wants to be in his life. I realised that something is wrong with me, My husband says that is almost like I am taking all my past anger on him. that I am a bully. He say that at night I would look at him, or kick him while I was a sleep. Or wake up and just look at him. I don’t remember that.He say he will help me with the therapy but we won’t be together on the other side of this. That he is afraid of my another outburst. I feel really depressed and regretful. I feel sorry for what I have done , did I turn to be and abuser ? did my past abusive relationship changed me to one ? how can I over come this , and get my husband back , who says he hasn’t got trust for me and there is no chance for us, is there a way for me to get him back? I am seeking professional help to find out what is with me, I am hoping this is just temporary. But I really hate myself now and Really want my husband to forgive me , start trusting me again, and fall back in love with me again. How can I fix this mess ??
Urszula, my heart goes out to you when I hear how you have been hurting. I admire you for being so accountable. I remember how it felt to lose my dignity because of how I was behaving. I love that you have a clear vision of what you want and I can’t wait for you to get there! You can have your husband fall in love with you again, like I did. I know that I could not turn my marriage around alone. I would love to see you get support too. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with a coach would fit for you. You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.
Hi, please help me!
My husband decided he wanted a divorce and shocked me with the filling. He closed every possible doors for communication, he stayed out of the house and slept at his work place even at nights, he wouldn’t answer my calls/texts or would respond with lots of anger. I wanted to avoid divorce, but the more I begged, the less it helped. I ended up not responding to divorce and had the case enter default judjment. I couldn’t believe that he would go through with it all the way, but he did. The whole process took 8 months, now we are divorced for 5 months.
Right after it was finilized, when I was thinking of new strategies to have him back, someone came forward and said my husband has been seeing a woman for couple of months and they are together. I was devastated, each time when I asked him before, he got mad and said “no” and I believed him. I confronted him, first he denied but finally he admitted, I was so mad being betrayed and manipulated. I missed him every single day, and I focused on myself and short commings, crying to sleep while he was enjoying his time with a woman that has no moral ( she is not yet divorced, and when they dated my husband was married)
he never showed that he missed me, what he remembers from 5 years of marriage is only the negative parts. I recently got a text that he is sorry for his shotcomings and regrets them now. I offered to start anew and get to know one another again, but he refused. He said it expired, it’s dead. He claimed he has no true love or genuine feelings for me, he “had” it in the past.
I truely love and miss him with all my heart, not say how it hurts me everyday when I remember I have no chance.
Shay, that is devastating. Thank you for your beautiful vulnerability in sharing your hurt. Yes, you can get your husband back using the Six Intimacy Skills. In my experience working with women whose husbands come back from such situations, you too can start anew and be cherished, desired and adored. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to explore how getting support from a coach would help you do that. Here is the application: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching. You can do this!
OMG it’s working!!!!!
Laura,
By the grace of God, your books, and another wonderful marriage blog, my husband and I are staying together after his affair. I was so devastated and hurt. I could not eat, could not sleep….. I thought he wanted a divorce. (That’s my female brain jumping to conclusions). The first couple of nights after finding everything out, I was demanding for details, and basically yelled and screamed at him – it was ugly. The next day, I came home from work early and our kids were not home. I just told him I loved him, that yelling at him was pointless, that I wanted to be on his side. I said “what happened to us?”, with the clear explanation that I knew something was gravely wrong in our marriage prior to the affair. We both talked and cried, turns out he actually did not want to split up, he just didn’t know how to get my attention. I have had serious control issues, and some depression and low self-esteem. Seducing him? Looking hot? Not nagging? Are you kidding me, but I tried it. And it was scary as hell, but it works. We are 20 years in, almost 21. I don’t want a stale, boring marriage like we’ve been living for the past decade. I want a real relationship and I want to be cherished. So, I’m upping the respect for my man and it’s a go. Thank you for your perspectives, I hear and see myself in your writing in every way, it’s been very eye-opening. Thank you.
Lori, thank you so much for sharing this amazing win and how you’re saving your marriage! I hear a lot of accountability and also admire your commitment to relinquishing control and showing respect. I love how you’ve gotten in touch with your desire for a real relationship so it can be better than ever!
Lori, that sounds promising! I just want to know if it’s still working!
I’ve been seperated almost a yr from my husband. today I felt what’s the point he’s already seeing other women and one has his interest. but after reading this I feel hopeful. I can’t let 13 years go down the drain without a fight and you’re right he’s my husband not theirs. thanks again
Dee, it sounds like you have been through such pain and hopelessness this past year. I acknowledge you for regaining hope for saving your marriage! If you’re still married, then YOU are still the wife, and a wife with Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress any day! I’d love to see you get support, which would make a huge difference. You could start by attending the Cherished for Life Weekend in New Jersey coming up on the 28th. I have witnessed so many miracles in situations like yours, and you’ll hear some of the miracle stories there. If they can do it, you can too! Why not take the leap? You can get details here: http://cherishedforlife.com
Dear Laura,
I want to thank you for helping me change my marriage from falling apart to the way it is now. I’m so lucky to find your books and your blog. In the first year of my marriage, because of my controlling and always angry attitude (what a freak i was), my husband had an emotional affair and told me he wanted a divorce. Then all that anger and control freakness turned to sadness and vulnerability. I asked him to wait for a couple of months and lets see how it’s gonna turn out. In the meantime, i bumped into your books online (thank you god) and read them, seeing how big of a freak i was. It was so hard to endure the pain of being cheated on, so whenever I felt tired of it, I wrote under this blog, seeking support, and you or your fellow coaches always answered. It’s been almost 2 years since the breakdown, and now we have one of the most stable, peaceful and loving relationship among all the couples i know. I had a surgery lately, and he has been taking care of me, doing all the work at home, saying he loves me and kissing me all the time. We are just like when we first started dating. I never imagined we would be like this after 5 years of being together. Thank you again for making my life so good!
Bahar
Bahar, your story is so inspiring! Thank you so much for sharing how you’ve turned your marriage around. I love hearing how well you’re being taken care of and adored! I have a feeling you would make an amazing coach. You can check that out at https://lauradoyle.org/become-a-coach/
Hi Laura,
12 days ago my husband said he was done with me. Said he has been unhappy and loves me but isn’t in love with me. We are still living together but he sleeps in the basement by his choice. I’ve know he has been speaking to a coworker and hanging out with them. 2 days later he finally confessed he’s been sleeping with her for weeks and wasn’t debating not even telling me. We have been together 11 years and married almost 3 in June and we have 2 children 7 & 3. 3 days ago took his wedding ring off which was a hit to the heart. He is still sleeping with this girl who he says he didn’t even want to be with. He told me lastnight I could make dinner and he would watch a show I suggested together as friends. I am absolutely crushed. There are days I feel hopeless and days I feel confident. Is there still hope I can get my husband back and bring those feelings of love back? I am at a loss regardless of how happy I’ve looked to him the past few days.
Ashley, I’m so sorry to hear that your husband has been unfaithful and is calling it quits. That is heartbreaking. I once felt hopeless in my marriage too. The 6 Intimacy Skills have turned that around to give me the playful, passionate relationship I have today. There is absolutely hope for you! I have no doubt you can get your husband back and have an even stronger marriage than before. I would love to see you get some support to help you do that. I have a free webinar coming up called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Hi ladies,
It feels like my life is absolutely ruined. I married my husband on 3Rd September 2016, after a three year relationship. last Monday he woke up hugged me and told me he doesn’t love me anymore, but he promised to try and make things work. On the following day he was certain there were no feelings left. So bizarre as there were no indications at all, very happy and full of love couple.He was even telling me a few days prior to the conversation that my ovulation is due and we need to try again for a baby. For the past year he’s been suffering with anxiety and I am not sure if his feelings have something to deal with it or the anxiety messed up his feelings. He’s always been an achiever and chased goals and although he is only 26 yo he has achieved a lot. My heart hurts wen I hear him say there is no hope and even if later he realised that he’s made a mistake he won’t come back as he broke my heart. I am pretty desperate and really need a piece of advice.
Thank you!
Adi, what a shock to hear this announcement without warning. I’m so sorry for the hurt you’re going through. I admire your vulnerability and courage in sharing this and reaching out for support. My husband has a psychological disorder too, so I know that can come with extra challenges. I started practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills anyway and, to my surprise, he turned back into the man who had wooed me. I know that is possible for you too! I have a free webinar coming up that will give you tools to save your marriage. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Hey. I’ve been with my husband 7 years, 4 years married. We have a beautiful 4 year old who was born 3 months early but perfect now, and I’m 19 weeks pregnant with our 2nd. I took him for granted, always thinking he’d be here but he found someone else. I asked him to leave 2 weeks ago because I couldn’t stand the emotional affair he was having with a co worker. And as soon as I did that, he moved to his dad’s place, until he gets out of jail, moved her in and started a physical affair. I want him back so badly I can’t stand it. I cannot move on. I want to be happy but it’s so hard. Idk if any of these steps will help me get him back. She’s using low blows on Facebook and I can’t make myself stop looking at her crap. I want her gone. He says she loves her. Loves me but not in live with me. It’s going to be his responsibility to help me during the end of the pregnancy but idk if u can hold on that long to hope he comes home. This girl has an extremely bad reputation and doesn’t have custody of her child. I think she’s using jim for a place to stay and he likes the freedom of being on his own, at his old home place where he wants to be, with this girl who has nothing holding her back who works the same shift hours, and doing what he wants. I hope he gets this **** out of his system this summer and comes home.
Oh Heather, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this pain, especially during the otherwise joyous time of your pregnancy. Your vulnerability is beautiful. I admire you for reaching out for support here. In my experience working with thousands of women, a wife with the Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress any day. With your commitment and willingness, I know you can get him back. I’d love to empower you with tools not only to save your marriage but to make it better than ever. I invite you to my upcoming free webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Hi Laura,
What are your thoughts on the 30 days No Contact Rule
Adi, thank you for your question. I’d love to have you at my upcoming complimentary webinar because I address how to renew intimacy with your man when he’s left. You can register for How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/. Hope to see you there!
Hi Laura, my husband separated from me 6 months ago and we live in a different countryside each other and we’re living like that for a year before the split. 4 children who are with me. He calls me every day. He is seeing a younger woman. I want him back even though my friends say I shouldn’t bother. He told me it was because he enjoyed living alone which I am really angry about as a) wouldn’t we all, b) what about the commitment to his children and c) why is he with someone else who I’m told is ” likely ” to move in.
Am I wasting my time????
Sarah, that sounds so painful, and I’m in awe of your vulnerability and commitment to your marriage. The husband of one of my clients left to be with his mistress in another country. The wife continued practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills anyway. Within weeks, he came back to her and said, “I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry.” Based on my experience working with the many others whose husbands have left for another woman, a wife with the Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress any day. You are not alone. You are not wasting your time. You can get your husband back. I’ll tell you more in my upcoming free webinar, How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Laura,
Although I am not married, I have been with my spouse 11 years and have 2 young children together 6 & 9. Of the 11 years the last 4 have been very rocky, we have had 3 major break up and stopped living together 2 out of the 3 split ups. This last two happened in November 2016 which sent me moving back home and him staying behind in the current town where we lived previously (3hrs away). He works in the hospital down there and cant seem to get transfered up here. So he comes up on his days off which is 9 days working then 5 days off (every other week).We decided we would try to work it out (mostly me pushing for it) and he said he needed to rebuild from friends. I didnt see how we could start as friends or trying to be friends again, how do you only be friends with someone you love so much. I still agreed to it, only to find myself unhappy wanting more and pushing more which caused us to fight a lot which always led to him saying he didnt want to fight anymore and he was done and me apologizing and begging and crying for him to stay and just love me. He would eventually give in but nothing was resolved he seemed distance no affection or love just the occasional nights we would sleep with each other when he would come up. This last fight he said he cant take it anymore he’s done and he isnt changing his mind anymore, we arent good for each other and how we are only good for a while and it all blows up. We use to be so good with each other, inseparable, in sync, talked hours about nothing, cuddled on the couch together…it seems like such a lifetime ago that it was that way. I just want that back. He likes to tell me how people change and he isnt the same person anymore, that he loves me the best he can and im not happy with it, well of course not since I am aware of what he is capable of. He also likes to tell me how i have ruined everything he loved or loves to do and i complain and am never happy about anything so he no longer does anything with me or includes me. He wont let me redeem myself on any of it. I dont know what happen or where it all fell apart. There are other underlining issues such as me hanging out with an ex who actually enjoyed my company for a while and him hanging out with a co-worker at work who he felt connected with. I no longer hang out with ex and havent for some time and he no longer hangs with her since she is about to have a baby. No sexual relations was exchange on either side but still ruined the trust between us that was 4 years ago for me and his encounter was in October of 2016 right before our blow up in November which was partially why we split. So here I am again, about week and half ago he called it quits. I am scared this is for real this time. He doesnt want to talk about it anymore and he came and got the kids this last weekend and left and stayed at his relatives with the kids, he has never done that before. This time it feels different and permanent on his part. Help what do I do. I read some books by an outside author but im not sure about it and stumbled across your book the surendered wife. I am currently still reading that one. I will never stop loving him nor give up on him or our family or so I feel now. Is there any hope?
LM
Lori, I hear that you are scared. That sounds so painful. I still remember when my marriage felt hopeless and divorce seemed the only option. Practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills gave me back the playful, affectionate relationship we used to have when we were dating. You can get back to the way things used to be with your man too. I think your situation deserves a fuller discussion than my brief response here. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see how you can get more support to save your relationship. You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.
Hello Laura,
I wrote you about a week ago above. Update: the last day that he brought the kids home he did stay for dinner before he went back home. I did not bring up anything of the past or try to talk about our relationship.I watched your webinar yesterday that touched on what is written in your book the surrendered wife. I would Love, Love love to purchase that but am not in a position since im on unemployment currently and going to school full-time. But am trying to save for it. My ex calls me every day since the dinner to talk to the kids in the morning and then after will ask for me and talk to me, tell me about his night working at the hospital. I have not been saying much just listening, offering encouragement, giving comploments and saying thank you when the occasion calls for it. Before we split up this last time this is what we did. Im glad this portion is back. He will also text me occasionally during the day when he gets up and on his way to work at night (again like it was before we split up). He still keeps his distance in the way of flirting, being playful he won’t even try to hug me. I guess what I’m asking for is some advice if he’s just really trying to be my friend or civil for the kids or if he still cares and if there’s a chance.
Lori, I’m hearing that there’s a strong chance of saving your marriage! Him staying for dinner, calling you and the kids daily, and texting you are great signs! It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job showing respect and expressing gratitude. I hear that it’s still hard to have hope. I once felt that my husband’s kindnesses were out of obligation. Since I started practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, my relationship has become one of genuine playfulness and passion. I know that’s waiting for you too, especially given your commitment to learning the Skills! I hear that you would love to join the program and need a bit of time to do that. In the meantime, I invite you to watch my TV series Empowered Wives. It’s free if you’re an Amazon Prime member, or with a free 1-month trial of Prime, at https://goo.gl/iPPQZG. Check out episodes 6 (“Margee”) and 15 (“Rae”), both about women using the Skills to get their men back.
Laura,
Thank you so much. I just finished your book surrendered wife. Im about to start reading empowered wife now. I am also going to check out those episodes to, Again thank you for your support and a listening ear.
Hello Laura,
My situation is so much like yours, I wasn’t a good wife! I have always been a perfectionist and with OCD, you can imagine what life is like! My husband and I married for the first time in our late 40’s. I had been in different relationships my entire life, unlike my husband who had a few but never lasted more than a couple months. He was so different from anyone that I had met, and after awhile, I just felt like I had known from forever!
After getting married, it was like a train wreck! Just started having problems immediately! We had bought a new home and there were problems and I concentrated on making it beautiful, painting, etc. Plus all the landscaping I did!! It’s beautiful but unfortunately, that wasn’t important to him.
I have a disability and don’t work but he has a great job, and we have no money worries! I didn’t realize it at first, but my husband confided in his parents in everything!! His parents were come for a visit and I would see him leering at me, say mean things, etc. but my husband never defended me. As you can guess, this caused a lot of problems. Since marrying, I lost my brother, dad, aunt, and best friend next door, plus pets!!! My husband grew up Catholic and has a problem sharing his feelings, etc. In essence, I became angry, bitter, and depressed!
He suggested counseling in 2011, and I fought it but eventually went! I felt like it was all me, and that made it worse! Plus, they suggested I have individual counseling due to anxiety and depression. We were married in 2010 so this shows how things went downhill fast for us! Both of us didn’t know how to communicate which made things worse.
After 6 months of marriage, I was saying I wanted a divorce because I felt so hopeless and defeated with him being so closed up! I made a ton of mistakes, and I realize that now! His parents turned against me!
I also found out my husband was addicted to porn a couple weeks before my dad died and later in counseling that he is what is called a “functional alcoholic.”
Marriage counseling didn’t help us at all, and in fact, the counselor at one time stated why didn’t I watch porn with him!! Throughout our counseling, she would say that we love each other and we can work it out, and so on. There was an incident in 2016, where I called 911 because he had an argument and he was blasting his music for over an hour. I just wanted someone to tell him to stop but they sent deputies out, said the music was so loud, they could hear it down the road!!
After that incident, he said we were done!! That was over a year ago! He has tried to buy a place and it fell through, rent a home but with his 3 big dogs, no deal! He has purchased some land but is waiting for a small trailer to be put on his property.
In the meantime, he sleeps in the same bed, wears his ring, hugs and kisses me, and even had sex!! He says he loves me but not like before, and that last year he finally was done and when he’s done there is no turning back!!
Not sure he this can be saved but I still love him!!
Rosie, thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your story. That’s heartbreaking for your marriage to go to pieces in a matter of months. I admire your commitment to your marriage in spite of everything. I totally relate to what you’ve gone through, having gone from marrying the perfect guy to dragging him to counseling. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which brought back the man I married and gave me the playful, passionate marriage I have today. You CAN save your marriage. I have a free webinar coming up that will teach you how. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Thanks Laura, I appreciate your advice! I forgot to mention that my counselor and marriage counselor for over a year had said we belonged together, that they had seen couples and knew when it wasn’t going to work and so forth!! After we had the argument last year and he decided we were done, I went back to our marriage counselor alone and told her what happened, etc. then she says that we needed to divorce!!! I had told her about his drinking but apparently since he drinks daily and didn’t fall down drunk or act drunk, I had never assumed he was an alcoholic……..how would I, I don’t drink!!! To further confuse me, my individual counselor told me the same thing, it is best to divorce!!! Both of them knew he drank but they said, they didn’t know he drank on a daily basis……….I thought I had told both of them that, sure I did! I have always been upfront with everything in my life, in fact, my husband said that was one of the things he admired about me, I tell the truth even when it hurts! To say the least, it was crazy and confusing!!! I mean, here I spend over a year in marriage counseling and individual for a bit longer and now I should divorce him!! I still see my individual counselor and she tells me that he cares for me but wants to be by himself!! She stresses that I need to make a life for myself! That if I stayed with a person like him, then she would conclude that I had a lot more problems!!
Yikes, I’m sorry to hear about your experience with your counselor and marriage counselor. That sounds distressing to receive such conflicting advice on top of what you’ve already been going through with your husband! I remember feeling so frustrated when marriage counseling only deepened the rift between my husband and me. I’m grateful to have found Intimacy Skills that work, without feeling like work! My new TV series, Empowered Wives, features a counselor named Janice (episode 12) courageous enough to find another way to save her marriage. It’s free if you’re an Amazon Prime member, or with a free 1-month trial of Prime, at https://goo.gl/iPPQZG.
Good one
Hi
After reading so many stories similar to mine I hope you can help me.
My husband left 18 months ago, wasn’t happy, met someone else she makes him happy, he calls her an escape. He doesn’t know if he loves her. She takes him places they do things we planned to do, they’re going to NYC, for his 40th that was our plan together (we’re in the UK) he says he can do what he wants so he will.
We have 4 kids. He tells me daily he loves me, he comes home almost every day to see the kids but always wants my attention to talk to him, he hugs me, he kisses me, he always text me and Calls me throughout the day.
He is also very angry and short tempered person.
I miss him he misses me, he told me to accept the situation and move on. I haven’t taken my ring off, he has as I don’t believe it is over. I am starting to concentrate on me and my kids but I have tried everything, albeit all the wrong things emotions, lavish with gifts etc. We don’t have sex anymore he says he can’t do it. But he sometimes comes home in the night and gets in to bed with me. I truly believe he will be back but I don’t know what to do.
Sarah, I’m sorry to hear that your husband left you. That is devastating. I admire you for being so committed and vulnerable in coming here for support. I remember feeling bewildered when everything I was doing to try to attract my husband back failed. Then I started practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, and our marriage became more intimate than ever–in every way! It’s great news that your husband is already showing you affection, giving you attention and telling you he loves you every day. I know you can get him back and reunite your family. I’d love to give you the tools to help you do that. I have a free webinar coming up called “How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life.” You can register for it here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Sarah, I’m sorry to hear that your husband left you. That is devastating. I admire you for being so committed and vulnerable in coming here for support. I remember feeling bewildered when everything I was doing to try to attract my husband back failed. Then I started practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, and our marriage became more peaceful and intimate than ever–in every way! It’s great news that your husband is already showing you affection, giving you attention and telling you he loves you every day. I know you can get him back and reunite your family. I’d love to give you the tools to help you do that. I have a free webinar coming up called “How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life.” You can register for it here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Hi Laura
My husband and I were married for 14 years, together for 15 and I left him 2 years ago. I quickly realised that I had made a massive mistake and tried to go back but other people told me he no longer needed me so I didn’t bother and we spent a year fighting over our youngest as the older child wants nothing to do with him.
I finally plucked up the courage to tell him I am still in love with him and he told me he had moved on and had a new girlfriend. They have since split up when she went back to her husband (she used him in a big way).
Since then we have spent 2 nights together but 3 weeks ago he told me he wants a divorce even though he knows how I feel.
I feel like I have lost everything worth anything to me.
Can I get him back?
Is there any hope?
Diane, I’m sorry to hear that your husband said he wants a divorce. I hear your sense of loss and how painful it is. I remember when my marriage felt hopeless. I had made so many mistakes and was full of regret. Practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills attracted my husband back and made my marriage more playful and passionate than ever. Yes, there is hope! You can get him back. I’ll share what to do in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Thanks Laura
I’ve registered for the webinar.
It’s so sad when 2 out our 3 kids want us back together and I want that too but he’s so stubborn.
He blows hit and cold and I don’t know which way to go so hopefully the webinar will help.
I’ll be honest I didn’t treat him right for the last 6 months before I left but to be honest I felt unloved and unwanted as he was out every night either working out with his friends so he didn’t help with the house, kids or anything.
I know he has ptsd but I couldn’t keep blaming that for everything and started blaming myself so I left.
I’ve spent the time apart working on myself and making me a better me and I know where I went wrong but he just can’t or won’t see that because every time we speak he brings up the fact that I left which then upsets me.
Hoping the webinar will help xxx
Diane, that sounds so difficult. I admire your commitment to your marriage and to reuniting your family. I love your awareness and how you’re focusing on your part and on becoming the best version of yourself. I also love hearing that you have hope. I have lots of hope for you too! I’m eager to hear how practicing the Intimacy Skills transforms your marriage.
I have been with my husband for 20yrs, the last couple has been a little rocky. We sleep seperarate visiting each other once in a while then back off in our own beds. I am running all the time with sports so i don’t cook that is always a argument. I talk to him like he’s a kid he is just messy and always on a nerve and i always tell him he just needs to go. Well he finally did, i came home from a sporting activity and he was packing 1st i laughed it off like yea right your not going anywhere we have been together for 20yrs but yes, yes he did he left and i found out which he still denies he is back with his kids mom from 25yrs ago. They were never married she hated him and he hated her they never spoke i was always the one that had to speak for the both of them but while at his sons house she was there now mind you she is a really nasty woman and put him through hell the 20yrs we have been together but she has offerd to drop all the child support back pay. I have completely lost my mind and have done nothing but tell him how sorry i am for being a horrible wife and when is he coming back home. All he says is he don’t know what to do that he loves me but all the stuff i have said to him hurts. Still denies being with the woman but i actually seen him with my own eyes there and seen some text messages. At this point i feel like WHY would he leave me for her? She is on hud, welfare, food stamps on dis ability cause she is a very large woman and cannot work and i am a independent woman, make really good money, been at my job for 17yrs, nice looking what does she have over him? Is it the back child support, is he really in love with her? How did this happen i really just want my husband home and i told him i would be a better wife, I don’t know what to do? Is there hope?
Kim, that sounds devastating. I love your vulnerability and accountability and your commitment to saving your marriage. You are in the right place! So many women discover the 6 Intimacy Skills because they want to be better wives but don’t know how. When they are as committed as you are, I see the same outcome again and again: they get their husbands back–even after a separation, even when he had a mistress. So I know there is hope for your marriage too. I would love to give you the tools to get your husband to come home. Please check out my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Me and my bf are living together for about 2 years. We have known each other for ten years and were on and off for years before we decided we missed each other too much. So we decided to stay together. It was fun and passionate but also grueling. Most becasue we are different people. I am expressive while he got comm issues. He is lazy and I snapped. I lost my temper and slapped him once. We fought a lot but I consistently decided to get myself better and eventually get the relationship better. We called each other husband and wife we were that close. But somewhere down the line he decided this was not working out. Then months of back and forth but even on the smallest argument he brought “becasue I don’t feel it” angle even though when we are fine he is gentle. But doesn’t make any efforts anymore. We don’t do much together. In last fight he hurt me and said I force him to sleep next to me so I threw his bed in other room. I have made up my mind to move on if he is not going to love me and show comittment but I also know how crushed I am feeling. I really do love and believe he does too.
I don’t know if he has been flirting with other women but I find myself thinking about it. Now we are sleeping alone and I am trying to live without any drama and being strong quiet and respectful but being happy in front of him is the hard part. The moment I see him my chest feel heavy and I want to go to my room and cry and cry. I don’t know if we can ever get back to the ‘us’ we were. But I am just venting out here. I wish there was a magic pill I could pop to erase him from my mind completely. Or some pill I would make him pop to make him remember he loved me.
Andy, I can see why you’re feeling crushed. I admire you for being so committed to restoring respect and being the Girl of Fun and Light in spite of the sadness and heaviness you’re feeling. I remember when my relationship was in trouble, my temper had been in full gear, and it seemed only magic would fix things. I know that pretending to be happy when I wasn’t didn’t work for me. But the power of all 6 Intimacy Skills to get us back to where we were has truly felt magical. If I can do it, you can get back to being the “us” you were too. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Laura my husband said he needed space on 29/5 he didn’t know how he felt about me. Over the next month he moved from the bedroom to the spare room to moving out completely. I did all the things you shouldn’t and have been trying to clean up my side of the street after reading your books. He has been seeing the kids regularly and has been talking to me pleasantly about the things in his life, work, football and how he is. My question is what do I do from here? It’s all very friendly and no intimate conversations or anything about wanting to change the relationship back in too a married couple. I miss him terribly and realise I had become that wife who had no self care, and barked orders. This is his 2nd marriage and previous wife was also very controlling. I fear that this is why he wants no part in even trying to work it out. We have been married 11 years and together 14years with a 2 and 4 year old. I live in Aus. Just wanting advice on where to from here, is he willing to change and how to I get from the platonic standstill relationship we currently have? I find being vulnerable hard…
Nadine, that must be so hard for your husband to move out, especially with two young children. I really admire your awareness and commitment to cleaning up your side of the street. Shifting to being vulnerable and attracting my husband back to me was hard for me too. I had been barking orders and not getting self-care for so long! Practicing all 6 Intimacy Skills gave me the tools to make my marriage playful and passionate. It sounds like you’ve already come a long way, and I know you can get him back. I’ll explain where to go from here in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
My husband said he didn’t know how he felt about me on the 29/5. And in the next 3 weeks moved from the bedroom to the spare room to the parents. I did all the things begging etc. he said he want his freedom. We have a 2 and a 5year old and he had been previously married with 3 kids. We had been happy but since having babies I have become anxious and was controlling which I now recognise. He has been happy to go out partying with his mates saying he loves his life. I am heartbroken but have been reading your books trying to change. He is still seeing the kids but it feels like I am talking to a complete stranger about the weather. I have followed your advice from this blog but am at a loss because I think he wants no part in our marriage and am Devestated. I live in Aus and not sure what I should do? Should I tell him I miss him? I have apologised for being disrespectful and controlling he said thank you. I am trying not to be a fence sitter but it feels like he is long gone.
Nadia, I get that it feels hopeless right now. Yet I know there is hope because I’ve seen the Intimacy Skills turn things around for thousands of women, many of them not speaking, already in divorce proceedings or already divorced. I love your commitment to showing more vulnerability by telling him you miss him!
Hi, a new U.K. Reader here! Husband of 6 years this Sunday, (been together for 16 years) said he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore and that he’s been unhappy for a while. I’ve never questioned my marriage until 3 weeks ago when he was distant, dismissive and had little attention in my direction. I confronted him. He was shocked that he was admitting it but it all came out. He said he doesn’t think his feelings can change. We have a 5 year old daughter who is the light of our lives. We have not had an intimate relationship for years. In fact I have pretty much 0 libido, but I always thought it would return. It was almost a standing joke between us. I have put our daughter above everything, I’m very protective of her (she’s and only child and was premature so spent a month in NICU). I know I’ve not given him much of a romantic life but our partnership and solidness was amazing. I do not want our marriage to end. We were all over each other in the beginning with him very much pursuing me. Perhaps I’ve been too *itchy or nagging him too much over the years. I do not want to accept it’s over. I loved reading this article and I’m desperate to try it. LW
Update – my husband came home to take our daughter to a party. She wanted both of us to go but halfway through I said I had arranged tobesomewhere and thanked him for staying with our daughter. It surprised him. Later in the day we had another conversation where he looked completely uncomfortable throughout. I stayed calm and apologised for areas of our marriage that I recognised were affected by my actions or attitude. He says he is miserable all the time and he has felt like this for a couple of years, especially after the birth of our 5 year old daughter. This hurts so bad but I stayed calm. He said he does not want to try and ensures there is no one else. He then left the home after the conversation got a little prickly. I felt bad for him and called him to apologise for getting angry and that I thought he should talk to someone about depression etc. He was surprisingly open to this and said he’d spoken to a friend about it. He said he didn’t want to give me false hope but he was certainly more positive. I’m going to use your advice as I’m not ready to give up.
LW, I’m excited to hear that the Intimacy Skills are working for you already! I acknowledge you for restoring respect by apologizing for being disrespectful, not taking the bait when he looked uncomfortable and using duct tape–and for expressing gratitude. I’m so glad to hear you’re feeling more hopeful. This is just the beginning!
Update – I contacted a friends of ours to talk to my husband. Our friend couldn’t believe he wanted to leave. He took my husband away to chat to him. Hours later they both returned and my husband revealed he had met someone else. I still had my suspicions. Incredibly hurt! After a while i thought all was lost and that was it but I said this is your home and I want you to come home. My daughter and I need this solid fantastic man back that I know he is. He said he was ashamed but I think we may have had a little breakthrough. He admitted he didn’t know what he was doing. He gone back to his friends tonight but wants to talk to me in the morning?????
LW, I’m happy you’re having a breakthrough! You are in the right place. This sounds like the perfect opportunity to start practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills! Have you had a chance to check out the webinar yet? https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
LW, I’m sorry to hear he met someone but happy you’re having a breakthrough nonetheless! I acknowledge you for choosing faith over fear. You are in the right place. This sounds like the perfect opportunity to start practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills! Have you had a chance to check out the webinar yet? https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
He has gone, it’s seemed easy for him to leave me, his daughter. Last night was the first time he didn’t come home and it hurt like mad. I wanted to text him call him, follow him but know I have no right to. I feel devastated and want this situation to change. He is back tonight. I feel so much pain that I’m not sure how to use your advice but I need this to go friendly. I need him.
Thanks for listening – LW
LW, my heart goes out to you. I would feel devastated too. It’s great news that he came back the next night and that you have an unshakable commitment to saving your marriage. I’ve worked with thousands of women, many already separated, who learned the 6 Intimacy Skills to become cherished, desired and adored. With your commitment, I know that can happen for you too. Your situation warrants a longer conversation than my brief reply here. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see how working with a coach would fit for you. You can apply at https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching. In the meantime, have you had a chance to watch the webinar I recommended? That will jumpstart your practice of the Intimacy Skills in these interactions with your husband.
Thanks, the difficulty I find is getting through this when you’re a mum. My 5 year old is so important my biggest worry is breaking down in front of her. I’m having days filled with anger towards him.
LW, I hear you. From what you’ve been sharing, I’d be angry too, and of course I can understand why you want to be strong for your daughter. I really want to acknowledge you for keeping all these plates in the air, being so committed to saving your marriage and being a good mum while you’re at it. I would love to offer you more support during this challenging time and to empower you with the tools to reconcile your family. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see how working with a coach would fit for you. The call alone will bring you clarity. You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.
Welcome, LW! I’m sorry to hear about this turn in your marriage. That is devastating, especially after you thought things were so solid. I really admire your vulnerability and commitment. I remember how sad and alone I felt when things fell apart early in my marriage, much to my bewilderment since I thought I was a good wife. The 6 Intimacy Skills brought back my husband’s attention and affection, giving me a playful, passionate marriage. Having witnessed the Intimacy Skills work for thousands of women, I’m here to tell you there is hope! I’ll give you the tools to get back the man who wooed you in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
I left a comment last week. My husband and I dated 8 yrs and then got married, we have been married 8 1/2 yrs so = 16 1/2 yrs. weve had our ups and downs. When we got together my daughter from a previous marriage was 1. We had our son together when my daughter was a little over 2. I was his 1st marriage, 1st and only babies mother. Long story short, 3 wks ago my husband called me to tell me that he had been seeing a 23 yr old for 2 mths and that while I was at work he had moved a lot of his things out. The past 4 days he has called me 3 times and 2 of those times he told me he loved me. He said he wants to talk to me. The female cusses at him a lot and is very controlling. he stays with her at her friends home, uses her car and she pays for everything. She will not let him be alone with our kids because that would mean that he has to talk to me alone. My husband and I have not seen each other face to face yet to even talk about anything that has happened. I want my husband to see our kids but I don’t want them around her because she is immature, cusses, sales pot, and is mean to my husband. last week he said he would go back home and she hit herself and punched a door and threw her phone. I think he may want away from her, so what do I say when he calls? Of course I want him back
Mindy, thank you for your vulnerability in sharing about your husband moving out so abruptly. This sounds very painful, and I admire your commitment to your marriage. When things got ugly in my marriage, I thought there was no real solution–either staying in a loveless marriage or divorce. But the 6 Intimacy Skills got my affectionate, attentive husband back and made him eager to please me. I want that for you too! I know there is hope for saving your marriage and getting your family back together. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar, “How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life,” including tools to use when he calls. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
I seriously need help…we’ve been together for 17yrs, in Feb last yr he sold our house. Since then we’ve lived apart. He said he’d try the whole time but didn’t make much effort. I did. Still am. He told me at Easter that we sre through for good & wanted a divorce but I’m desperate to stop it. Yet even though she’s sticking to his guns, he has said things, indicated things, comments, remarks, bit of jealousy which says to me its not that he really wants. I know he has trust issues due to me venting to guys to understand men’s minds. He never used to talk, never communicated deeply and stuck his head into his Xbox and doing his own thing instead. He thought I was cheating on him even though I never have. Hes the love of my life, soulmate and other half as he even admitted to me AFTER all the rubbish we went through. It was no influence from me so I know it was from his heart and he meant it. Personally I think its because we’ve been apart so long now and he thinks I’m up to something when I’m not. All I do is what I promised him and fight for us. I want him back so bad. I cry like a baby, sobbing every day. Miss him so much. He’ll talk about anything but us. Must be something I can do.
Kim, I’m sorry to hear that you’re in such pain after your husband said he’s through and is not making an effort or willing to talk about it. That is devastating. I remember feeling hurt and hopeless when my efforts to attract my husband back all seemed to drive him further away. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which brought back the man I married and made our marriage playful and passionate. There is something you can do to have that too! I’ll give you the tools to save your marriage in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Laura, I need your help please. My first marriage was extremely abusive and I ended up leaving. I gave my first husband my heart and after being beaten and mentally and emotionally abused as well I had to do everything I could after that to protect myself. I met and married my second husband 5 years ago. He has been nothing but wonderful to me. Not without his own faults (he did sleep with another woman about 4 years ago), but he genuinely loves and cares for me. I have acted completely selfish in order to avoid ever letting him know that he can hurt me. I have always tried to keep him at arm’s length. I was never truly comfortable letting him in. Over the past 5 years, I have cheated on him with four different men. I haven’t slept with any of them, but I have flirted, kissed, and messed around with them. I read your book the surrendered wife and I am putting everything into practice. I have stopped trying to control everything (as my mother has done her entire marriage, I sadly followed her example). My husband says that he is truly trying to come back to me and he hasn’t called it quits yet but he says he doesn’t see how he can ever truly see me in a positive light again as his wife. He just doesn’t know how to get past the pain and see me as his wife again. Please help me. I am addressing all of my issues from my previous marriage and I will not disappoint him if he stays. I am currently deployed to Iraq and as you can imagine the distance is not helping. He says that he is not making a decision until I come home (which will be sometime in November). Please help and show me what I need to give/show my husband to keep him around.
Amber, I’m so sorry to hear about all the pain you have been through. I admire you for escaping your abusive past and acknowledge you for your vulnerability, awareness, and commitment to turning around your marriage. When I was on the brink of divorce, I was afraid I had made too many mistakes to heal my marriage. But the 6 Intimacy Skills brought healing and grace, empowering me to create the playful, passionate marriage I’d always wanted. You can attract your husband back and feel cherished, desired and adored. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Thank you Laura. I read your book and it was absolutely amazing. I also just purchased your SWEW VIP program because I enjoyed your book so much. I starting putting the principles in your book to practice and I almost instantly noticed a difference, however, my husband has now backed off again and is going the other direction even though I’m continuing to practice what I read in your book. I’m definitely feeling confused but I’m definitely going to continue trying. I’m looking forward to going through the modules in your program.
Amber, congratulations on joining SWEW! I acknowledge you for your commitment to your marriage and to practicing the Intimacy Skills. I can see why you’re feeling confused that he has backed off after you noticed improvement when you started SWEW. I felt confused in the beginning too, and so did my husband. He loved the changes in me but was skeptical about whether the new me was here to stay, so he tried to bait me back into old behaviors. Fortunately, I had the support to apply the Skills effectively then too, and I got back the man I married. With your commitment, I know that you will too! I’d love to give you more support in person. I invite you to the Cherished for Life Weekend this Fall: http://cherishedforlife.com
Laura this is so inspiring and gives me hope. He started seeing someone and some days, like today, I can’t stand one more second the situation. We had our share of problems in the past but lately I felt we were stable. Does every relationship get back and better than ever with the skills? I really really want to believe that but I don’t know if mine can.
Ellie, that is the ending I see again and again–that women committed to practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills attract their men back home. That’s why I say a wife with the Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress any day of the week and twice on Sundays. What I also see again and again is the fear that my situation is different. I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through and that you’re in pain. I admire you for being so committed that you have the courage to try a new approach, even when it’s scary. I would love to empower you with more support. I invite you to my upcoming webinar, where I talk about what to do after he leaves: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Hi Laura,
First I thank you for your time in reading my story. I have seen some of your videos Empowering wife on Amazon video. My husband and I have been married for 18 years. We have three girls ages 12,9, and 4. To the world we always seemed like the couple that had it all. God has blessed us with a good life until all stated caving in. At the end of 2013 I discovered he was a porn addict. He had hid it very well and I was never suspicious until I caught him one day in the bathroom with his phone while he thought I was asleep. He felt ashamed and said he did it because he didn’t find me attractive and our sex life was pretty bad. He said he would stop. I was naive enough to think it was that simple. I read some books and we improved our sex life somewhat. Fast forward to 2015 I found out he was having an affair with a co-worker. He fessed up decided to stay and we started marriage counseling. I thought things were getting better but in March 2016 He left the house saying he was going to his “parents to think” long story short. He had an apartment and had continued the affair all this time. When he left he said he wanted a divorce. It has been 16 months now. He has not moved in with the other woman but obviously has not returned home either. He is just paralyzed. I see he is in a depression. There is no movement one way or another. He still provides financially for all of us. He says he goes to therapy but refuses to deal with the porn issue which I believe has led to the affair. The affair continues. Thankfully my daughters have been spared don’t know of her and have not met her. I have been through a wide range of emotions from anger, sadness to now with a lot of faith and prayer more at peace knowing that the only person I can change is me. I will admit this is an exhausting situation. I do love him and want to restore our marriage but feel I may be in a losing battle with both the addiction and the affair. Yet he hasn’t filed for divorce. I am trying some of your strategies but I am so tired of his double life. I do go to therapy and I work on myself as best I can with three kids. Prayer and exersise help. Please advise. He does seem to respond to my niceness but some days I just want to throw in the towel
Carmen, I’m sorry to hear about what you have been through. That sounds very painful, and I admire you for your commitment to your marriage and your awareness in having the courage to focus on changing yourself. I can see why you feel hopeless at times. So many women who have come to me during a separation struggle with that. Yet what I see again and again is that their courage in persevering with the 6 Intimacy Skills brings him back home. If they can do it, I know you can save your marriage and reconcile your family too. I invite you to my upcoming webinar, where I talk about what to do after he leaves: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/
Hi Laura I wrote a while ago and the situation is still very much the same. When talking with kids it is polite but nothing else. I have been smiling , getting happy and using key phrases whatever you think and I hear you. He actually said he should stop going on about work when I said I hear you. I said no I really hear you. However he has not spoken once if missing me or wanting to get back together. I am feeling that this man is just happy with a life without me. Where to from here and how long can it take? Should I apologies for the past? I did when he originally left but have not since. I am grateful and say thank you when he picks up kids but just don’t know if this relationship is so far gone for him?