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My Husband Doesn’t Love Me

My Husband Doesn’t Love Me

Or does he? Here’s what’s really going on…

When your husband actually says the words, “I don’t love you,” the hurt comes in waves.

First, there’s shock and bewilderment.

Your mind races with questions. How did this happen? How long has he felt this way?

Then there’s terror. What does this mean for our future? For our marriage? For our kids?

Then there’s deep, deep hurt.

He doesn’t love you. Does it mean you’re unlovable?

Making that immense pain stop becomes your imperative.

You feel the urge to protect yourself with aloofness or insults. It’s just human nature.

Flinging some hurtful arrows his way seems not only justified, but necessary.

But the words, “I don’t love you,” can be the breakdown before the breakthrough. Click To Tweet

They can be the gateway to a marriage that exceeds your imagination, where you feel as loved and connected as you did when you were first dating.

And you can have all of that with the guy who just said he didn’t love you, or is acting like he doesn’t.

Here are 3 secrets for getting from here to there:

Free Relationship Help

1. What He’s Really Saying is, “I Don’t Feel Respected. I Haven’t for a Long Time.”

I know he’s saying he doesn’t love you, but it’s not true. He does love you.

When he committed to you for life above all others, it was because he was crazy about you, and that doesn’t just stop. But it can definitely be obscured when he has been without oxygen for a long time.

And when I say oxygen, I mean respect.

The problem is, if you try to reason with him or point out that he’s not being rational, he will feel further disrespected.

That’s like slapping his back when he’s badly sunburned.

If you beg and cry, that’s a reminder of a huge pain point: he hasn’t felt like he could make you happy. Here you are, crying some more, driving that point home.

You’ve probably already tried both of those responses.

That’s okay. That’s just human. You didn’t know he had a terrible sunburn.

But you’ll want to stop slapping him on the back as soon as you can and instead learn what respect looks like to him and treat him that way.

No one ever showed you what respect looks like before, so how were you supposed to know?

But that ends today, right now.

2. He’s Not Saying it to Punish or Hurt You

When your husband says something as hurtful as, “I don’t love you,” it’s tempting to think that he’s purposely being a mean jerk. It’s human nature to personalize it and make it about you.

But that’s simply not what’s happening.

Of course it hurts, I get that. It feels awful.

But consider that if someone cuts you off in traffic, that’s also upsetting. It can make you angry. You might think the driver is also a mean jerk.

But that driver isn’t trying to hurt you at all. He just forgot to check his blind spot or was about to miss the exit.

He had no intention of punishing you. He didn’t plot to get up in the morning and be at that spot where you were so he could make you slam on the breaks.

Granted, a conversation about love between a husband and wife is much more personal.

But in some ways it’s no different. He’s just hurting and trying to get what he needs—not trying to get you to suffer.

He’s not his best self right now. People need love the most when they deserve it the least.

He’s sounding the alarm that something is very wrong. He’s telling you there’s a big breakdown.

Instead of hearing there’s something wrong with you, or something wrong with him, consider just hearing that there’s an urgent situation that needs to be addressed.

It’s going to take your best efforts to solve it, but it is solvable.

Here’s what you need to know to solve it…

3. Respect is a Decision, Just Like Love

I used to think of respect as something that was earned, and after seeing my husband screw up a number of times, I just didn’t see how I could be respectful!

But if you flip that around and think about your husband withdrawing his love because you weren’t perfect, it sounds pretty unreasonable and harsh.

Just as you want to be loved even if you overspend or gain weight—because you are still lovable, of course–you could decide to treat your husband respectfully even if he doesn’t seem to deserve it.

When you do treat him respectfully, it’s going to feel very strange if you’ve been out of the habit. At least, it did for me.

It felt scary and false.

But it was like a miracle cure for all that was ailing in my marriage. I see that happen for the women I work with, too.

It just takes a little while to get the hang of what it looks like, and then it also takes a little while for him to get the memo that he’s safe with you—that he can get oxygen when he’s with you.

It’s not too late when he says he doesn’t love you. It’s not hopeless.

If anything, I see marriages turn around from this painful conversation so often that I tend to think of it as the beginning of the breakthrough.

You can choose how the story ends

You may think it’s up to him, that you don’t have the power, and it’s true you can’t control what he’s going to do.

But you have more power than you think, because when you restore the respect, his feelings of love re-emerge too, as strong as ever.

Crisis and opportunity travel together. His hurtful words are opportunity knocking, telling you there’s a chance to grow and be happier.

How will you answer?


120 thoughts on “My Husband Doesn’t Love Me”

  1. what can I do???? He is gone and I served him with papers. He will not stop and think about what his A ruins are doing to me. I sling insults. But, he shows me with actions he isn’t there for me. Is it truly over?

    Reply
    • Maggie, Sounds very painful! I know it must seem like he’s giving you no choice, but there is always a choice. One powerful choice is deciding to focus on what is within your power and control, which is how you’re responding. Is serving papers and slinging insults how you want to be responding to this? How do those things make you feel? You ask, is it truly over, and my answer is that you hold the key. It’s only over if you want it to be over. If you want to save it, you have the key. There is so much hope. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call to have a longer conversation about it here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/

      Reply
      • So I love this post and can relate. To the oxygen being sucked out of the room with the words “I don’t love you.” And you haven’t respected me, you have bullied me.

        We have been married for 11 years and together for 14!

        What I don’t seem to feel and am ashamed for not feeling it. I am definitely sad and devastated that he said that and feels that, more so probably that he said he has felt that way for 3 years and led me to believe he still loved me. But I am not clammoring to try to get him to feel it again. I mean you either love someone or you don’t. If I have to jump through hoops to get you to give him a helping of love – is that love? Or is that a game?

        Maybe I’m bitter and it is a fresh wound. But I just don’t see it.

        And the more I think about the best of times that we had, or what our future would look like, it is clearer and clearer that it is not the same. Am I just fooling myself – and somehow magically if I show him respect he will love me the way I need to be loved.

        Reply
        • Troubledtrouble, it is devastating that your husband told you he doesn’t love you, especially after you were led to believe otherwise for years. I love your openness to showing respect to restore the intimacy in your marriage.

          For me, it was easy to gather evidence that my relationship was hopeless. But the 6 Intimacy Skills changed my vision, and before long I had the playful, passionate marriage I’d always wanted.

          If I can do it, I know that you too can inspire your husband to love you the way you need to be loved. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

          Reply
          • Hi Laura, my husband and I have been married for 8 years we were deeply in love. We decided to build a house and finically we are struggling because we were both stresses we did not respect each other. I love my husband more than anything but he tells me he is over it and that he does not love me any more. He refuses marriage counseling, I am putting his needs and everything first at the moment. I don’t want to loose him. We are sleeping in seperate beds and he does not hug or kiss me. He says he cares about me more than anything but is over this Lifestyle and relationship of him looking after commitments, payments and ignoring his goals. Please help I love him so much. Thank you

      • Hi Laura, I just need some advice. My husband of 15 years told me he didn’t love me anymore. Here’s the thing I had already moved out because of all his lies and he was on tinder. I signed a 6 month lease and was hoping for us to work on ourselves and go back. Then he said those words! Worst feeling ever! Do u think he meant it? I haven’t talked to him since and am so sad

        Reply
        • Dione, that is so painful to hear your husband say he doesn’t love you anymore. I love your vulnerability in reaching out for support and your commitment to your marriage.

          I remember how sad I felt with the hurtful things my husband was saying to me. The 6 Intimacy Skills gave me the tools to attract him back to me. I learned not to take everything he says at face value and that, as the wife, I have the power to change the culture of our marriage. Now I have the playful, passionate marriage I’d always wanted.

          You can reconcile with your husband and make your marriage better than ever too. I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills.

          Reply
      • What you describe sounds very encouraging. My husband and I have been in trouble for a while, 12 years ago the ago I began. He says that his live for me started to fade about 5 years ago and he was reluctant to accept it and let our relationship get broken, so he tried really hard to have feelings for me by being nice and intimate, I was in a different place, being scared and unsure about his live for me too, I closed up and regret his efforts to be closer. He have had Two online affairs, but the last one seemed to be very emotional and feelings starting to happen even the girl was only 20 years old and we have three kids. Last Christmas he told me he doent love me the same, and we are trying to make things work, but I feel very lonely. We have been separated for three months hoping he will miss me but that is not the case, he says he like spending time with me and watch movies, go for walks etc, he likes my company but he doent feel like kissing me or even going into any kind of intimacy. I am lost… even my faith is shaky, people tell me to love myself and stop wasting time on this but I do love him and he is a good man… deep inside! Please help me!!! I feel like I can’t breath , I have lost tmi mind many times and find it hard to care for my kids. What is the way to go? What can I do to make our relationship good again?

        Reply
  2. Laura,
    I love this post! I believe with all my heart that you are spot on!! I was so confused when he told me he loved someone else and that I was just not fun anymore. I took it as a painful slap in the face, I know believe it was him crying for oxygen.

    Reply
    • Mindy, Congratulations on having the courage to look at your part in the breakdown. That is where empowerment starts in my experience! I know it’s not easy. I admire you for doing that.

      Reply
  3. How? How do I show respect when he moved out? When he says he doesn’t love me anymore. He said we argued. I just want my husband to come home

    Reply
    • Tina, I’m sorry to hear about your husband leaving and saying he doesn’t love you. That’s so scary and hurtful! I know it can feel hard to figure out how to repair it by yourself. I would love to see you get some support, as we help many women in your situation and there’s every reason to be hopeful that your marriage can come back to life and be better than ever. I invite you to have a complimentary discovery call to figure out what the best move is for your relationship. You can do that here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/

      Reply
  4. when he has had a secret affair and after discovery continued to lie by omission about further types of contact -how do you recover. I am choosing to try to believe all contact and avenues of it are done but hard to respect this destruction of my soul. how do you leap over that… we both seem to want to work on relationship but this lying has wounded me- and speaks poorly of his character. I am not Mother Theresa but I was feeling the things he was feeling but I would have never crossed this line of integrity.

    Reply
    • m, It certainly is painful and devastating, that’s for sure. I see what you mean about the difficulty of getting past the hurt. I’ve seen it where the new marriage after an affair is better than ever, so I know it can be done. I’d love to see you get some support with this. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move for your relationship. You can do that here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/

      Reply
  5. I recently went through this. I was shocked to hear those words. He then left and we were separated for 7 months. During that time he was seeing someone else. But I had to make that choice to fight for my marriage or let things go. 23 years together, since we were kids is a long time to throw away. I took a good look at myself. Realized I needed to change. I looked at my faults and realized I was trying to be super mom and totally casted him off to the side. In retrospect he was given me signs that he needed more and I just ignored it. It’s been a long road, but he is home now. We never argued or had a horrible relationship. We just drifted apart and life got in the way. Now I make the biggest effort and so does he. We love each other again. We finally took a weekend trip for ourselves with no kids to reconnect. It was awkward at first, like a first date, but it was great. We plan on doing this for us more often. I didn’t give up and I fought for my love. I still have some hard days when I think about the other woman. It’s not about the sex but more the fact that they shared an emotional relationship. That is what devastated me the most. But I know in time it will pass and just be a chapter of our amazing story together. I guess there is always that page In The book that causes you to go oh sh**, and this was mine. I pray everyday for us and other couples going through this. Thank you Laura for this site as it was one of many that really helped me especially when I was at my lowest. Hang in there ladies!

    Reply
    • Patient, This is so inspiring! Congratulations on saving your family and having the courage to look within. I admire that very much!

      Reply
    • Patient,
      I am so curious what you did that brought him home. I am going thru this right now. My husband left me after a tragic home fire. He keeps saying he’s not coming back, he doesn’t love me anymore and has been seeing a lady, but saying “just friends”. But he wants to stay married and not divorce right now because of insurance etc. I keep praying mine will come to his senses.
      So looking forward to any advice!

      Reply
    • Your storry gives me hope. Ive been married for 13 years to my highschool sweetheart. He recently told me he didnt love me and he moved out “temporarily.” Its been a month and feels like eternity. I have never felt such hurt. But thinking back I missed all of his warning signs and I now know I need to fix myself. I have been so angry and sad and just felt like a roller coaster ride. Your story gives me hope that things can possibly work out. I love this man so much and It just hurts to hear those words from your husband.

      Reply
      • Stephanie, I can see why you’re hurting so badly. That is devastating. I acknowledge you for having such awareness, commitment and beautiful vulnerability. I relate to feeling angry and sad and just bewildered when my husband retreated from me. I didn’t know I needed to fix myself, so thank goodness I discovered the 6 Intimacy Skills, which empowered me to become my best self and make my marriage playful and passionate. I know there’s hope for you to have that too! I’ll show you how to work things out in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

        Reply
    • We’ve only been together four years. We are engaged. I know I have been unreasonable and have created so many bad memories but arguing with him. But I regret, and I am working on my anxiety and depression.
      Three weeks ago he said he did not love me anymore. He said I need to leave the house as he needs space, and he does not feel comfortable with me. He said he is not made for a relationship, and he does not want to be responsible for anyone else but himself.
      We are now going through …hell. He is out every night, and I am crying every day. On a couple of occasions I left work as I could not cope.
      I do not know what to do. Conversations are hard. He avoids me, and makes me feel unwanted. I adore this man, and the last thing I want is for him to feel stressed because of me. I sometimes feel I am going to collapse. I hate it all, but I stay as I am trying to fix it.
      A few days ago I saw a text from another woman. Today the text disappeared. I think he is seeing someone else… but I do not want to give up.

      Reply
      • Elena, it sounds so painful that your fiance said he didn’t love you anymore and that you suspect him of seeing someone else. I admire your awareness and your commitment to your relationship.

        I remember when my relationship felt like hell, with the man I loved avoiding me. With the Six Intimacy Skills, I attracted him back to me and now have the playful, passionate marriage I always wanted.

        Given your commitment, I know you can have that too! I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/.

        Reply
    • Hi.
      Im going thro this now, is it the same for lesbians,, best friends, never argue, 19years together, sex stopped 9years ago, she said she loves me, but not in love with me,and looks at me like her friend,,, Out of nowhere, sold our house, I have our dog of 14….everyone we know are in shock, we’re so prefect together.. WELL at least that’s what I thought…. Anyway I have been fighting for her for 5 months, she’s sorry but doesn’t think we’ll ever sort it out and doesn’t want to try… I wish I could be angry and say stuff you, but truth is she’s lovely inside and out,,,we still talk, well I text her everyday, we get on and she hates herself for hurting me, I obviously don’t want to hear the dreaded…. MOVE ON…. but in a last attempt of hope… Do you think we could ever get back together again,considering she’s not interested in help

      Reply
  6. this is exactly the situation I’m in right now. how do I start showing him respect? Do you have some examples or a guide of some sort? Thank you.

    Reply
      • Hello,
        i need some help. Me and my husband have been having some problems for a while. We have both done wrong things. We fought a lot. The last fight was about he talking to a woman I did not about. But I trust he did not cheat on me. I just felt so hurt that we had a bad fight. anyway, I said I didn’t want to work things out and want the divorce. It was the heat of the moment. He asked a couple of times if I want to work things out and I still said no. He said that he is been looking through our old pictures and that felt that maybe things can get better. I was so hurt. I even throw him out of the house. well, once i came to my senses, i realized what i did. I asked him to work things out and he said he does not want it. He then messages me saying ” do you think if you can ever trust me again? I wrote him a nice letter and I was calm and polite. I said I want to work things out but that is when he said that he doesn’t want to work things out because he is been so unhappy because of the so many fights we had. I asked if he loves me still. He said he still has some feelings there but mostly it is because of all the moments we had together and he repeated again that he does not love me. I asked if he misses and he said, he misses the good times we had together. I asked him if he wants the divorce and he said he is not sure because it is a big decision that cant be make without thinking it through. I am just very hurt that he does not love me anymore. i hope and pray did down inside me that this is just a phase. any suggestions?

        Reply
  7. Hi Laura…Yesterday would’ve been nine years together with my BF, except he left almost 2 months ago. Things have been pretty up and down for years, but the first few were the best of my life! He has left before, sometimes physically, sometimes mentally by living in another room of the house and not speaking for weeks, but I always end up apologizing and asking him to come back. He always has, but the last time it was only for a month and then gone again! Our fights are usually over ridiculous things but I know it’s really something much deeper. With this last break up I have felt that it is really over.
    A while ago I began researching personality disorders, trying to figure out what was wrong with him, because to him everything was/is always my fault. Saying that I am the narcissistic, selfish one never putting him first. But to me, that couldn’t be farther from the truth! As I read more and more, I began to realize that I too have a lot of the same characteristics! WHAT??!! Holy cow! It has opened my eyes to looking at myself….deeply! I know that he is very broken from his past and will never address that, but I have realized that I am a lot more broken than I realized! And I AM responsible for some of the demise of our relationship. I have tried to tell him this in an email or text message, (because he refuses to see me) but he thinks I am full of crap. I miss him terribly and feel as though my heart is actually broken…like actual physical pain! I want him back…I want “us” back. But I also want him to get healthy for himself. I have began some therapy, per my MD doctor’s recommendation, to work through MY issues with MYSELF…..with that little girl inside that has been hurting my whole life. I want to make ME a better ME! But am I too late for “US”? Nine years is a long time to be together. Both of us are divorced. He IS the love of my life! But if he refuses to talk to me, says that he is done and is actively looking to buy a house….how do I get him back, let him know how important he is to me and how much I love him? I sent him a text yesterday telling him that I thought about him a lot today…being our ‘”anniversary”. He didn’t respond. I know that if I continue to “chase” after him it will only drive him farther away…but if I just let everything be then he will move his things out and it will be the end.

    Reply
    • Totally Confused, I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend leaving and refusing to communicate with you. I can see why your heart is hurting so much. But this is not a hopeless situation. There is every reason to believe you can reunite and be happier than ever, especially since you’re looking at what you can change about yourself. That’s where it all starts.

      I’d love to see you get some support with this. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move you can make for your relationship. You can do that here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/

      Reply
  8. Saying I don’t love you or I don’t desire you really isn’t excusable in my opinion. So he feels disrespected. He doesn’t know that? Where is the man who can say, when I feel disrespected (and give example) then that doesn’t make me want to be around you. It doesn’t make me feel warm toward you. Believe it or not, there are men who can be cognizant of that and actually verbalize that to a woman. It’s not all up to us women. I realize that respect is critical to men. It also is to women. I’m glad the man I’m involved with can give a reality check on this on to me—if he feels disrespected he says so instead of saying the hurtful I don’t love you or desire you. That’s just a below the belt comment for either sex to say to the other.
    One thing to say to the man in your life is if you feel disrespected please let me know as I will do the same for you…..

    Reply
  9. Dearest Laura,
    Please forgive me if this sounds petty, but I find the light grey text in your wonderful article very hard to read. Would you consider using different sizes of black instead of color changes? The black on white is so much easier for us who have weaker eyes. Thank you for your wisdom and well-written article. Sincerely yours.

    Reply
    • Maryann, I’m right there with you with having a hard time seeing gray on white, so I’ll take it up with my webmaster. Thanks for the feedback! I’d rather my blog was easy to read. I appreciate hearing about your experience.

      Reply
  10. Question! He had stopped telling me he loved me a while as he said he was indifferent to our marriage and me anymore. As per asking you, I kept telling him I loved him anyway. Now, it is interesting. He wants to move back to his home state (NYC) permanently. This is something I cannot do (there are millions of valid reasons for myself – there is lots of fear involved with it and I hate the city with a passion regardless). In your book you say if you know that it is genuinely something you can’t do, and you are afraid of your well-being you are allowed to say no. But, he is giving me the ultimatum. I either go with him or there is no other option but divorce. He says he doesn’t want to divorce if came with him it would be OK. But, this is one of those things I cannot say yes to and I want have my right to say no since it is that important to me. He even spoke to a lawyer about how things would go if we decided to do that. We even sat down and talked about how we would split things. We have been married only 1.5 years! But now, he has been very sweet to me and keeps telling me he loves me and compliments me etc. (not sure if he is trying to lure me into it) He is sill dead set about moving though. I love him too but I also love myself. I know and am certain I will never move there. What to do now? Thank you Laura!

    Reply
    • M, This sounds very stressful! What a terrible spot to be in–to be made to feel you’re choosing between moving somewhere you don’t want to live to keep your marriage alive. This is a longer conversation than I can answer in a blog comment,so I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to determine your best option for your marriage. You would find it so valuable. You can do that here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/

      Reply
  11. What do you do when you are the one that walked out after many many years and moved on? He told me there was nothing to talk about, it’s just over, for a few of the last years we were together. It has been 3 years, and we are still legally bound and friends. I go to his house a lot, but we hardly speak. Can it be salvaged?

    Reply
    • Lisa, Sounds like you regret leaving, and that’s a painful spot to be in. It’s hard to hear him say it’s just over. Very hurtful. But the good news is, that it’s not over! You’re still married. And if you want your marriage back there is every reason to be hopeful that you can have it back and better than before. Especially since you’re friends! You have a lot to start with–more than many clients who get it all back and more. I’d love to see you get your hands on The Six Intimacy Skills, which I lay out step-by-step in the book The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here:
      http://getcherished.com/

      Reply
  12. Hi Laura,
    My husband and I have been married for 7 years with 2 small children. After several years of arguing, I told him I wanted a separation. It’s not what I wanted but I was angry and didn’t know what else to do. I regretted saying it immediately and told him I didn’t mean it but it was too late. He said he didnt think we could save our marriage, that we’ve been unhappy for too long, that he’s tired of trying so he’s done trying to make it work.

    I begged for another chance and we said we could talk about it in a few days but he knows it won’t work because he’s already so far gone.

    The next day I bought your book, First The Empowered Wife and put it to practice.

    Yesterday I apologized for being disrespectful by interrupting him while he was talking (when I was begging for another chance). Then I told him “I hear you. Whatever you think is best for the family, I’m willing to do. And I want to keep trying because I want to be with you and our babies as a family.” And I left it at that. I’ve thanked him for things he’s done around the house the past couple days. He’s distant. I initiate conversation (gives me short answers), physical contact like squeezingredients his arm when I thank him for doing something.

    My questions are should I keep my distance? Did I say the right things? Should I tell him “I want” even when he’s so distant? Will our marriage be saved?

    Reply
    • Chris, Wow! I so admire how quickly you put the Intimacy Skills into practice! Impressive! Your marriage can definitely be saved now that you have the right information. Makes all the difference, right? You’re very accountable and that helps so much. It takes a little while for him to get the memo that you’ve changed, so hang in there. I know it can be a little tricky to implement it all by yourself. I have a free webinar on How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life that will be valuable for you. You can register here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  13. I have been married for 10 years with 2 kids. My husband told me the other week that he doesn’t love me anymore and wants to leave. I am his best friend and the mother of his kids, but he isn’t in love with me. We had many conversations and he bought your book, First The Empowered Wife. He read about 3/4 of the book and made notes. I read the entire book and made my own notes. I keep this book with me. I also bought your book The Surrendered Wife. I read these almost everyday. I can see that over the years I have emasculated him and disrespected him. We have also gone through the cycle of things changing for a little bit and then going back to the way they were. He told me he was afraid of the cycle just repeating itself and being in the same place next year. I am trying to make changes for myself and for our future. I have been trying to implement all the skills, but I am fearful that this time is the last time. He is too afraid to put his wall down. He keeps taking off his ring and not wearing it to work. How else do I show that I care for him and want to take care of him, the way he has taken care of me all these years. I am afraid to ask him to do things for fear he will take it as a command. I really have to stop and think before I open my mouth and play it out in my head of what I want to say. Do you have any further guidance? I feel like one day he wants to make it work and is open to change and the next day he wants to leave again.

    Reply
    • Emily, Wow, that’s a painful situation. It sounds like you’re walking on eggshells trying to keep your family together. I wouldn’t like that either. Despite what he’s saying and him not wearing his ring, your marriage can definitely be saved and be better than it’s been in a long time. We see that all the time around here. You have so much at stake, and you sound very accountable, which is kay. I’d love to see you get some support to make that happen. It’s pretty tricky to do it all by yourself. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you.
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/

      Reply
  14. I have a life partner who I love deeply. We have a 2 year old son together. He has said he loves me four times in the 5 years we have been together- once by text, once at a particularly difficult time when we needed each other, and twice during the night when he was being affectionate. Each time he has later said he did not mean it. We are committed to raising our son together and we enjoy each others company. I am not walking out and he is not moving on. However, it breaks my heart when he tells me he did not mean what he said. Completely rips my world apart. Each time I have opened myself completely when he said he loves me and each time I am left feeling foolish and sad for believing him. I love this person and enjoy our life together. I am not leaving but sometimes it feels like a slow death loving someone who doesn’t love me back.

    Reply
    • Raq, that does sound heartbreaking to hear so little that you are loved and for him to take it back when he does say it. I admire your vulnerability and commitment in coming here for support. I felt sad and unloved in my marriage until I found the 6 Intimacy Skills. Now my husband adores me, as he shows and tells me every day. Marissa shared your pain point too. She had a breakthrough on my TV show, Empowered Wives, and saw what she could do to feel adored and loved. You can watch her episode (#16) for FREE if you’re an Amazon Prime member or with a free 1-month trial of Prime at https://goo.gl/iPPQZG.

      Reply
  15. Sounds a lot like blaming the wife for what the husband is doing.. I came here expecting some help and all I see is understand him… what he is going through.. and I don’t respect him enough ??? One day my husband is loving and caring and the next he is yelling at me, being emotionally abusive, and threatening my with divorce if I don’t fall in line. I am the one who is depressed, not respected, emotionally and physically abandoned… something is wrong with the man I married, who for the last 9 years has been a good caring man then overnight he is this other man entirely and I needed some clarity..but what this article did was blame the victim for the mess that man is bringing to the marriage. Thanks a heap.

    Reply
    • Jamie, that is devastating that your husband switched from caring to yelling, emotionally abusing you and threatening divorce. With everything you’re already going through, my intention is certainly not to place blame on you. My point is that, regardless of who is at fault, the thousands of women practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills have found that they do have the power to turn things around. I remember feeling abandoned myself after marrying what I thought was a sweet guy. Nothing I tried seem to do any good until I found the Intimacy Skills, which empowered me to feel cherished, desired and adored. I would love for you to have that too. If you’re interested in tools that may be a better fit for you, check out my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  16. I don’t know how to respect him any further.. My whole marriage has been about him and his needs.. He needed to take care of his mother (who lived with us and didnt like me), he needed to be gone for months at a time for work(which meant I couldn’t work on me because of a kid I didnt even want), he said many hurtful things that have weighed heavily on my self esteem( told me he wasn’t attracted to me physically because of my stomach after having 10 pound baby I didnt want). He needs a lot and dont get me wrong, even after all that I still love him and want to keep my family together but I need too! I’m so empty I dont have anything else to give.. When is someone going to meet my needs? How do I cater to his needs when I’m so broken from not getting my needs meet..

    Reply
    • Latisha, I hear how depleted and broken you are. That is so painful to be running on empty and giving so much without having your own needs met. Thank you for your honesty. I love your commitment to your marriage and keeping your family together. I relate to focusing my time and energy on my husband and his needs. I know that didn’t work for me! The 6 Intimacy Skills empowered me to focus on myself for a change. I couldn’t believe how that changed everything and made my marriage playful and passionate. I want your needs to be met too, and I know that your husband can be inspired to show you the consideration you have shown for him. I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  17. I just found out that my husband cheated on me (we just had our 6th Anniversary last month) two weeks ago, the same week that we had family holiday (with the in laws). Put my brave face trying to act happy was so hard and my husband seems didn’t appreciate it. Last day of holiday I found out he doesn’t love me anymore! I’m speechless. How this happened?? He hurt me so much but I still love him so much,it’s heart breaking! I think we still have hope but he didn’t think so! What should I do?? I’m so lonely

    Reply
    • Novi, I’m sorry to hear you found out your husband was cheating and said he didn’t love you anymore. I can see why you’re feeling lonely and heartbroken. I admire your commitment to your marriage and your vulnerability in reaching out for support. I felt bewildered when my husband retreated from me and acted as though he didn’t love me. I thought I was being a good wife and had no idea what to do. I discovered the 6 Intimacy Skills, which attracted him back to me and made my marriage playful and passionate. You can attract your husband back too. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  18. Why are you giving false hope to women who may just be married to a narcissist? I believe in unconditional love and I believe in Hope equally sometimes it’s black and white and that’s unfortunate but it is. There are a lot of men and women out there who do have narcissistic tendencies should I continue to feed them with praise when they do not deserve that you’re setting people up to fail because they will have to do that their whole lives if indeed the person require such and that is not love. You’re trying to sell a product in a Starbucks your complimentary phone call good sound advice from somebody who truly cares about other people should not come with a price tag you write books that should be your income not getting people who are at their most vulnerable to give you a phone call to see how they can improve themselves when in actuality a lot of these women have done everything they can and you should not have to lose your identity to be with somebody else.

    Reply
    • Ally, many women who are married to narcissists have reached out to me for support beyond my books. They too have found that the 6 Intimacy Skills transformed their marriages, as I wrote about here: https://lauradoyle.org/blog/my-husband-is-a-narcissist/. The courageous women committed to empowering themselves with support to heal their marriages have reported that their identity blossoms rather than being squashed. Like them, I have found that practicing the Intimacy Skills is the best self-help I have ever undertaken. It has freed me to do everything I can to support other women in my mission to end world divorce.

      If what you’ve written describes you, then I hear your pain. I do offer many free resources, such as my webinar, “How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life” at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  19. “But if you flip that around and think about your husband withdrawing his love because you weren’t perfect, it sounds pretty unreasonable and harsh.” But that’s exactly what he’s doing, isn’t it? I wasn’t good enough, so he doesn’t love me anymore. Plain and simple.

    Reply
    • Christine, that is so painful to feel that your husband has withdrawn his love because you weren’t good enough. My heart goes out to you. I admire you for having the commitment and vulnerability to come here for support.

      I used to feel unloved and, beneath my facade of knowing best, inadequate too. It was a scary and sad place to be. I just didn’t know any better. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills and finally got the tools to attract my husband back. Now I have the peaceful, passionate marriage I’d always wanted.

      If I can do it, you can too. I’d love to see you get the 6 Intimacy Skills and experiment with them. You can get them from my book The Empowered Wife. Here’s a free chapter: http://getcherished.com

      Reply
  20. Hi there can I please have some advice?
    Me ex left me after 9 years, 29 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child.
    I did the usual begging rubbish etc in the beginning and of course it made things worse. My baby is now 7 weeks old…ex comes around a lot to help out and we do go out as a family at times and it feels like old times.
    However yday we had a little talk where he said he just doesnt have those feelings for me anymore and he’s long gone and there is no future between us at all. I responded well … Respected him and that was that.
    I feel like I’ve well and truly lost him. What do you advise?
    Thank you

    Reply
    • Louise, I am so sorry to hear that he left you during your pregnancy. That is devastating. I admire your commitment to showing respect and to saving your relationship.

      Many of my clients heard similar things from their husbands: “Nothing you can do will change my mind.” “I’m not attracted to you anymore.” “I don’t love you anymore.” These women had the courage to practice the 6 Intimacy Skills anyway, and their men had to eat their words! These marriages are now playful and passionate.

      You can get your man back and reconcile your family too. I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/.

      Reply
      • Hi there. I came asking for advice in Novemeber and I took part in a seminar which I found useful. I’ve applied the skills and noticed difference however my ex said to me few days ago that he has no feelings for me and there’s no future for us. What am I to do now?

        Reply
  21. My husband of 9yrs (together 14) left me 6wks ago. We have three young children (8,5,2) together and up until this point I thought we had the perfect life. We never fought, had a good line of open communication, and seemed happy. When I first discovered there was a problem he said things like “I don’t love you”, “I haven’t for a long time” and “I wasn’t ever going to tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you”. He also told me at that time he had had feelings for a female coworker but he had broken it off with her. He agreed to working on the marriage but 6wks into that he up and left. Poof! Gone. Went to live with our friend. First he said he didn’t want to be tied down to another person and that he didn’t want to answer to anyone. Ok I could deal with that but then I find out he’s seeing this other women. Once I got him to open up to me he told me that he felt abused for many years from me using him as my “emotional punching bag”. I didn’t have many friends and I’d unload my problems on him. He said that he was done and doesn’t want me in his future. He basically said that he wants to live out his college fantasies that he missed out on because we were dating. He wants to see where things will go with this other women. I asked him for a year before he makes me sign the papers but he doesn’t see the point in waiting. I told him moving into his own apartment is best right now and I gave him my blessing to date this woman (not that he needed it lol). Anyways I’m just now backing off and giving him space. He said it felt like I’ve been smothering him and the more I tried the further it pushed him. I’m sick of coming off as desperate but I do feel desperate at times. Any other advice for me?? Thanks!

    Reply
    • Katie, I’m sorry to hear your husband left you so unexpectedly and started seeing other women. I can see why you’d feel desperate! I really admire you for relinquishing control when it’s so hard.

      I used to feel desperate for my husband’s attention and affection, but everything I tried only pushed him further away. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which attracted him back to me. Now I feel desired, cherished and adored.

      You too can attract your husband back and save your marriage. I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/.

      Reply
  22. Laura, I am at a standstill. My husband and I are a military couple, going on 2 years of marriage in janurary… with a newly turned 1 year old son. In the past few months though, our marriage had hit what he has deemed ‘rock bottom’.. and what I have dubbed as ‘confusion lane’. And now he is tossing out divorce (no papers yet, no attempt to get papers… but there is the constant reminder), we do not share a bed anymore, he says he does not love me nor our son…. yet he will call me ‘babe’ (which has always been his term of endearment towards me) and for the first time in at least three months, we recently spent a rather intimate afternoon-early evening together… And I know personally, I can not be pleased by just anyone. If I do not find them attractive, there is nothing there. So our recent events confuse me..and I am wondering what went wrong. I am in no way claiming I am innocent or free of guilt; I have threatened walking away because I felt unloved & unwanted before, and I have fought with his parents rather recently (after his mother especially made me feel the way I was raising my son was wrong; granted I have apologized to those I hurt with my words….but it appears he doesn’t accept it.) At least in our case though, he has told me verbally that he feels wronged…. but I am at a loss of what else to do. I have tried distancing myself and not asking much (if anything) of him, I have tried to not complain too much about sitting in a parking lot for 1+ hours waiting to pick him up… I haven’t even really asked for his affection less he has offered. So please Laura, what would you do?

    Reply
    • Broken Mother, I’m sorry to hear you’ve hit rock bottom, with your husband talking divorce and saying he doesn’t love you or your son. That is devastating. It sounds confusing that he was still intimate with you.

      I admire your awareness and your commitment.

      I was hurt and confused when my marriage hit bottom. I didn’t see any way I could be happy with this man, but I didn’t want a divorce either. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which made my relationship more playful and passionate than ever.

      I hear lots of hope for your marriage! I’ll show you how to build on this intimate win to heal your marriage in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/.

      Reply
  23. Hey laura,my husband & i have been married for 5 yrs now & blessed with 2 kids thank GOD.my husband has changed,he’s not affectionate,he insults & accuses me daily,he embarrases and humilates me before friends,family & strangers,he would have sex with me,and the next day begins to insult me.i feel abused by him.he dosent give me the regard due to a wife.we dont do anytin togeda,no communication,dont talk about each other’s life,he always gives me deaf ears,he is stingy towards me saying i misuse money meanwhile i always give him accurate list & expenses of what i buy for the house with his money.we dont even have a family picture or px togeda since we married.no friendship,no trust,no communication,he treats me like an outcast of his life telling people my weaknesses.pls advise me

    Reply
    • Alicia, I’m sorry to hear your husband is humiliating and abusing you. That sounds so painful. I really admire your vulnerability and commitment to healing your marriage.

      You are not alone in thinking this program may not be for you because you’re not controlling. Like many clients, I didn’t think I was controlling either–just in pain at the huge rift between my husband and me. But the Intimacy Skills worked for me anyway! They gave me the playful, passionate marriage I had always wanted.

      I know they can work for you too so you can have the respect and tenderness you deserve. I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/.

      Reply
  24. My husband said the dreaded I love you but I’m not in love with you last week. I knew our marriage felt different but I just assumed that we have rough spot. We never fought I thought everything was good I don’t know what to do now you say that you have to show respect but how do I do that I don’t know what to do I don’t know what the steps are. I don’t know if I should fight or just give up I asked him if there was anything we could do to fix it and he said he could never touch me again

    Reply
  25. Hi Laura,
    My husband and I have been married for over 7 years now. We have 2 daughters (21 month old and 6 week old). We are more than struggling. Three months ago he told me he no longer loves me. And that for the last three years he has never missed me when we were apart or never felt the urge to kiss me and so on. He was just lying to avoid fighting. It’s true I argue a lot and don’t let go but I never realized until now how bad things are. He wants a divorce now but I don’t. We agreed to do mart counseling and decide in six months. He said he will put his best effort in the therapy but how to trust him when he has been lying about his feelings for 3 years? I still love him but yes I have totally lacked respect. But if I had known 3 years ago how he felt then I would not have waited until now to seek personal counseling and marital counseling. Is it too late? What else can I do to save my marriage? I don’t even want him to love me again but to regain the respect he has for me and desire to work it out and be a couple… any advice will be greatly appreciated!!! Thank you Laura,

    Maude

    Reply
  26. Hi Laura,
    My husband of 4 years left me and my 1 year old son because he feels nothing and doesn’t love me anymore. He has refused to try and make it work and I’ve done the usual begging pleading etc. it’s been a month now that he has moved to his parents house. He has completely changed into a person who I no longer recognize and isn’t the compassionate and affectionate man I married. He states that he doesn’t care for anyone but himself and his little one. I have no idea what I’ve done. He says that we’ve just grown apart and there is no longer any interest. It breaks my heart and I’m desperate for any advice.

    Reply
  27. Hi, my husband travels a lot and about 8 months ago I started talking to someone from my past. It started out just friends but turned into more emotionally. I had an emotional affair. I will regret it for the rest of my life. My husband has known about it for six months now and the affair ended at about the same time. My husband now says he doesn’t love me anymore and he needs time away from me. He’s also been talking to someone else. I’m afraid that if he goes he won’t ever come back. We’ve been married for 24 years and going through all of this has made me realize how much I want him still and I can’t see the future without him. I know I messed up so bad but I will do anything to fix it. What can I do and does he really not love me anymore?

    Reply
  28. My husband told me he no longer loves me and never will again. I am devastated. I have been using the 6 intimacy skills and there were baby steps. Now this comes,even right after we were intimate. He said he feels nothing for me. I asked if there was OW,he denies it but I am not so sure. The strange part is he wants to stay married. I dont know if he is concerned about money,etc. Or if he thinks that a divorce is another failure in his life. He has talked about his failures in the recent past. I have encouraged him,and let him know how much I appreciate the home and all of his hard work.He refuses to talk about anything. He completely shuts down and gets very agitated.He always says, dont ask me any questions. I am never going to talk about it. I have told him many times that I love him. He said he knows that ,but it doesn’t do me any good when he yells at me with such anger he no longer loves me,and never will. I am feeling hopeless.

    Reply
  29. He told me almost 20 yrs into our marriage that he never loved me, he resents me and blames me for everything. He only married me because I was pregnant. He is still in love with his high school sweetheart and we never had a connection. He called her last night and went on and on about our personal life and had no issues talking in depth and in detail. I try to save our marriage I just get the silent treatment. He has never put me first. I was certain that he did not have a romantic bone in his body. Well that is until I found out about the love notes and trinkets and little things he had done for her and others before me. I am lucky if I get a card for any occasion. He picked up a phone and called her through Facebook and they talked like it was yesterday and not 17 yrs later. Is there hope? I am physically ill and don’t know where to turn.

    Reply
  30. Hi Laura I’ve been reading your book the empowered wife and listening to your clips as well as doing your course and it has and is an eye opener for me. I’ve been married for 15 years (live in the uk) and it’s been difficult from the start. He was very controlling and verbally abusive. He came from an abusive home where there was physical sbd emotional abuse. Thankfully that stopped years ago but he did witness it. He was verbal wjth me and it all came to head last may. He told me he didn’t love me and never had. It was horrible. I didn’t know what to do. I left for London for a family wedding and from there travelled two hours to my home town with my two boys (7 and 4) at the time. I had full support of my family and my inlaws. They say my husband down told him how his behaviour was unacceptable. His father even told him that the kids stay with me whatever I decide. He then came down wjth his brother in law, a broken man, sorry for eveything and asked we try again for six months. We travelled back home (4 hours away from my parents) and things got worse. He stopped being sbusive and has worked really hard on that but there was resentment and anger (mainly on my side). To top it off social services investigated my husband, they even investigated him at school because he works in the children’s school. He was cleared. The thing is he can’t get over this and he says it shouldn’t have gone as far as it did. But the thing is I had to do it because I wanted change. There would have been no change at all in him if I’d carried on. He’s hurt I left with the kids without him knowing, he’s hurt about the past (hurts). I’m trying your approach now. No arguing just giving him space and practising my care. I’ve started to. He told me we had on work on respect which is what I’m doing now. I’m just scared wel end up with seperate lives. It’s been miserable. I’m anxious and depressed and have this constant sinking feeling in my tummy and my chest gets tight sometimes. It’s hard to show happiness to someone who tells me he does not love me. He tells me he cares for me and will always be there for me. He says he doesn’t want a relationship with me right now and can’t promise it in the future. He says there is no bond or emotional connection and won’t have sex wjth me Because he doesn’t ‘want to use me’ just for that he wants more. I’m so tired and want this horrible phase in my life to end. I feel really alone. I would love to talk to women who are going through this. I’ve searched online and haven’t found anything yet. I’ve got a counselling session booked next week but I’m critical. I don’t want to go over the past yet again I just want guidance on how to profress my marriage into a new loving and happy marriage. Something we haven’t really had. I would love to speak to you Laura. Here in the uk I have found that we are behind in these matters. I like your approach and the approach of the modern marriage coach.( I found one over here). The general consensus here is speak to s counsellor but when I’ve done my own research online im finding that I don’t think counselling is what I’m looking for.

    Reply
    • Danesa, I’m sorry to hear about the tumult in your marriage. Sounds very painful and difficult! I love how you are listening to your heart and finding what serves you best, and your deep desire to have a new loving and happy marriage. If you haven’t yet attended my free webinar on How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life, you’ll find it very valuable. You can register for it here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  31. Hi Laura…

    My Husband of almost 6 years just told me he wants a divorce and that he doesn’t love me anymore. He did however agree to go to a counselor and has agreed to an additional 4 sessions.

    He said in our first session that he was 99% sure he wanted our marriage to end.

    I know that I did not do a good job of showing him how important he is to me.

    Is there any hope in trying or are we simply putting up a facade and playing house while he plans to stay in our home another 3 months until our kids graduate.

    I feel so lost and I simply don’t know how to act around him. Do I continue letting him know I love him or, do I give up? We can’t get back into the counselor until March 10th…that is a long time.

    I appreciate your insight.

    Reply
  32. We have been married 24 yrs and my husband left me a month ago. He said he’s not leaving but we just can’t live together. He wouldn’t speak to me for the first 2 weeks and then called me to come to his place. He still tells me how beautiful I am and that he doesn’t want anyone else but he is not coming back. I see him several times a week but he gets angry if I try to talk about our relationship. He got angry tonight and told me he doesn’t want me anymore. But I didn’t react angrily back. I just hugged him and told him I would never stop loving him. He didn’t push me away. If I say I’m going to give him space and not come over anymore he accuses me of having someone else. I am very confused. Should I keep going over there and showing him that I love him or should I let him go and have no contact

    Reply
  33. My husband was so sweet nd lovable in the beginning he has always had a little temper but i paid it no attn but suddenly he started sleeping out nd when he would come back i would go through his phone and he was talking to females i put him out we had a fight i called the cops on him he went to jail i took him back he all of a sudden just left me i call no answer i text no answer i look for him cant find him i talked to him today he said he cant do it anymore should i keep trying r just let it go because i do love him i cry myself to sleep everynight i keep telling him im sorry but he says i dont want u anymore …im so broken hearted

    Reply
  34. Two weeks ago my husband told me he hated me and that I make his life miserable. We’ve been married 17 years. Have a his mine and our Family. I planned a trip to to Ga to go see his daughter graduate from college this May and then to see my twin boys HS graduation in FL. Then two days ago his sister bought him plane tickets to go alone. Now I find out he has been sexting an old high school flame that lives in Ga. I’m so hurt, shocked, confused, mad & every other word you can think of. I realize I’m no saint. I have admitted my over spending faults and constant bitching. I was committed to making it work & I thought it was working until two days ago. Now I can see from the cell activity log that he has been communicatating with this woman for over two weeks. I’m lost. He doesn’t seem to want our relationship to work. But he also doesn’t want to leave. He just wants to stay here live in his work shop for the next two years until our 16 year old is 18. I just don’t see how that can work.

    Reply
  35. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and he has recently told me he doesn’t love me anymore. He all of a sudden treats me like I’m not even a friend, much less his wife. We have had problems off and on for years but lost our son in a motorcycle accident almost 2 years ago. At first, I thought things between us had actually gotten better but the past several months have been pure hell. I finally asked him if still loved me and he said he only loved parts of me and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to even work on this marriage. The thing is, he is willing to stay in a loveless marriage. He doesn’t want to hug me, kiss me or even have a civil conversation but is fine with us staying together and I’m not. I am currently going to marriage counseling alone because he refuses to go. He has now moved on to accusing me of having an affair to the point of pointing out “evidence” on video footage of the man with his arm around me. I love my husband and don’t want to lose him but he doesn’t seem to be even willing to be nice to me, much less work on this relationship!

    Reply
    • Michelle, That sounds lonely and stressful! I’m sorry to hear of all you’re going through. I know you want to be a happy wife, and the problem is that your marriage is falling apart. Marriage shouldn’t be so hard and you shouldn’t have to go to marriage counseling alone. That’s why I created a proven system that lets you fix your marriage without him even knowing what you’re doing. It has worked for over 15,000 women, and it will work for you too. So get with one of my certified relationship coaches, and in the meantime, register for my free webinar, How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  36. My bf and I have had a rollercoaster relationship and a lot has to do with our financial situations and our health issues. For the 4 yrs we’ve been together we always had chemistry and fun. The last 6 months we’ve gotten close but I was trying to trust him after he started seeing another woman and didn’t tell me (I was away on business for about 75 days. He was so into me and us but he didn’t want to answer my ? or talk about the hard stuff regarding his actions and I became more and more angry and frustrated. Then he cheated with his ex wife, who he can’t stand. I walked away but he begged me to forgive him, told me he would never hurt me like that again but I pressed him for definitive answers I needed more than just words. He kept insisting he was going to show me and he loved me and wanted to marry me. Then in a month’s time he stopped being affectionate and just told me he isn’t in love with me. But I could tell he still loves me, we spent the next few days getting close again, he even sent me txt saying how much he enjoyed being with me. But then 1 night later, I feel like something is up so I grab his phone while he slept, went through it and saw that even as he was texting me how much he loved being with me the day before, he had gone out to like 10-15 dating and hookup sites and was chatting up other women. I was crushed. We haven’t spoken in 4 days I don’t believe this is what he wants but I don’t know how to proceed. I’m feeling hurt and like I’m not enough and yet I know what your saying about the disrespect rings true so what can I do? I want him, but I want to heal and be whole again too?

    Reply
  37. My husband and staying together for two years I’m caring more than his mom but he doesn’t want to care me the same as I do and he just thinks more about his family and his sister he loves them more than me…. I’m very much worried about my life but all the worries I keep in my heart and never fight wuth him if I fight also he just support s his mom and doesn’t belive my words these things in my life go through a tough situation… And he blames my mom for any cause I’m not getting any care attachment or love from my husband nowerdays I just think it’s better to die becoz it hurts that much

    Reply
  38. Dear Laura, i am having a hard time too, after reading all these comments, i am starting to think this was all my fault, first of all my husband does not understand what its like to look after our child, after me giving birth, he would usually meet his friends after his work and i was so annoyed by that, he wouldnt even think about coming early and help me with housework and baby, i usually felt alone, and that would drive me crazy, he preferred meeting his friends more and still does, now after 2years he started getting attracted to other women, everything i say or do annoys him, never comes home early, never looks after our child, never plans anything with us, his biggest excuse is his job, but he finds time for his friends,

    Reply
  39. Dear Laura, Right now i don’t know what to do , my husband didn’t say anything that he don’t love me but he make me feel about it, and He wants to be alone, We’ve been marriage for almost 16 yrs. last year when he meet his boss , He attract with her at the same time he shuts me off. Im devastated and broken hearted that time, i just don’t know what to do. We keep fighting, argument almost a year now because until now he keep put the stonewalling between us, He want separation so he can think about it what he wants to do, and I think its about time that I will give him what he wants. I still want to save our marriage but i don’t think he want it, what should i do…

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  40. Husband became more distant and closed off, work required long hours and time away from home. He shared very little any more after 25 years. I am quite sure he just no longer loves me meaning there is no marriage any longer. Divorce occurred…I wanted him to have the freedom to find someone he would love and would make him happy. I refrained from as much contact as I could because I still love him and it hurts to see him…We share three children and our relationship is parental only. Now, 5 years later, he has apologized for the hurt and pain, and is discussing my willingness to try a reconciliation. When love dies, it is dead. You cannot just flip a switch and bring it back..!
    He says he misses me so much….I think he just misses having a wife. I just cannot believe he can get that love for me….back. Advice??

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  41. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for just over one. He is adamant that he doesn’t love me, never will, and is done. He won’t put any effort in even though I have told him it’s my turn to put the effort in. His family is telling him not to feel bad and be true to himself. He constantly talks about getting a tiny house, leaving his job, and leaving me. I have read the EW, I am just having so much trouble getting over the pain and hopelessness when he tells me he doesn’t care and none of my efforts will do anything because he’s done. He says he cares about me a lot, but doesn’t love me. We are separated under the same roof and have been for 6 weeks. Have you seen situations like mine work? I wouldn’t be being true to myself if I gave up like he wants me to.

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  42. It is obvious that my husband doesn’t love me anymore he won’t touch me or look at me or spend time with me. He won’t talk to me. How do I show him respect if I honestly have no respect for him anymore?

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  43. We started having problems when I was taking care of my mom with cancer and not taking care of him. He said he didn’t want to be married but he doesn’t want to leave. He said I was ugly. There’s a guy that likes me.what should I do.

    Reply
  44. My husband and I have been together 12 1/2 years and 2 weeks ago he said he has lost all feelings for me and was done with our relationship and says there is nothing that can change the way he feels I love this man with everything that is in me I acted out of hurt and anger and made bad decisions that only made matters worse he says he loves me but isnt in love with me anymore he is still living with me we just sleep in separate beds on two different floors and barley speak to one another and when we do it turns into an argument because I keep asking what he wants me to do and how can we save our marriage and he keeps saying the same thing that nothing can change how he feels so my question to you is what can I do to change his mind and possibly save our marriage I’m desperate at this point we have a child together and he says we can co parent and he is talking about moving on already I need help what do I do

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  45. So last week my husband told me he didnt love me anymore and it wasnt working out, thing is he told me he is not going anywhere. Neither of us can afford to leave we just bought a house last sept. he pays the house and car insurance i pay the house bills. he wants to be best friends but doesnt think i can change. the reason he no longer whats to be married (and he hasnt come straight out and said he wants a divore, only that he doesnt want this anymore) is because for 13 yrs i always question him about where he is or who he is with and accuse him of cheating. i know he doesnt cheat but im a very jealous person. im trying to change this time, 13 yrs is a long time to throw away and 4 kids later.
    i really need advice on how to stop accusing him and start respecting him and allow him to do things alone without worry. i have made appts with my GYN for hormone testing and my doctor, also with a psych doctor. i have bad mood swings and anger and depression i just didnt see it all these years and he held everything in.

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  46. You’re wrong… Love and respect t it two seperate things. No woman should grovel and kiss a mans behind to be loved. That’s NOT love that’s slavery. Respect is a two-way street. To get respect you must earn it. Be a man if you don’t love me then I don’t love him either it works two ways you’re telling women to grovel not have any self-respect but give it all to the man so he’ll love you. I know I deserve respect just as well as he do. And if you don’t love me then he’s the one that lose he’s not mature enough to be in a relationship. and you’re wrong for telling these women to grovel. That’s why so many divorces no one cares if you grovel it just makes them feel more kingly and walk away quicker. you start begging someone and groveling you going to have to do that all your life. And that’s no way to live. I’ll bet you won’t post this

    Reply
  47. Laura- My husband and I have been together 40 years. We have had so many ups and downs. We have two sons together and my daughter from a previous relationship. He is a musician and has had numerous indiscretions over the years. Even found out he was sleeping with someone a week before we got married. I was pregnant with our second child at the time. After 10 years being together.
    I left the home and found a place of my own. That was last February. I am so angry I never spoke to him for months and didn’t even contact him about our 30 something old son who has a mental health problem. He treated me badly this past year. Says why are you asking questions about his life I have no right any more. We are separated not divorced, so I wanted to know where I stood. I told him if he wants to end it he must do so. I didn’t want the break up. Now he is pursuing someone I think in his dance group not sure have no proof, only my intuition. Apparently told me he didn’t want me involved in his dancing thing, when he first started. Totally out of his character. Yet he knows how I love to dance. We both just turned 60.
    I have and always love him deeply. It has always been like the first day I met him. But realised it wasn’t the same for him. I do want to try and get him back but am unsure if he prefers to take his pursuing of someone else to another level.

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  48. Hi Laura!

    I need your advice please, my husband of 5 years (we have been together for 11 years) told me this past week he is no longer in love with me. That really hurt, specially because he told me he has been feeling this way since his mom past away, about a year ago. We both sat down and had a long conversation as to what was next? And things ended up being left up in the air leaving us with two options, either we try and fix this or we separate. When i asked him he said he didn’t know what to do because obviously one of these decisions is life changing, he said he needed time to think. I was devastated but then luckily found your article. Just yesterday i sent him a text letting him know i am not willing to throw our marriage away (because i want to work things out) and that i will continue to be affectionate towards him even if that’s not the case with him -telling him i will not expect the same from him- All he said was ok. Was that bad? What can i do to fix this? Is it even fixable? I know the passing of his mom really really affected him and even changed him and I’m trying to be as understanding as possible but i also want to be reasonable and protect myself.

    Reply
  49. For the longest time I know that my husband doesn’t really love me. Sure we are still together but I know that the only string that connects us are our children. They say that you don’t have to compare your relationship to others but how I wish that for once my husband will look at me with love. How I wish that he will adore me and give me importance like what he does to his friends. How I wish that I can tell myself that when we grow old,he will take care of me like how sure that I will tkae care of him. How I wish that I can say my problems to him without him judging me that it was all my fault. For 18 years of being married to him, I know that once we grow old and I can no longer work, he will be the first person that will leave me. I’m not sure right now what should I do or feel except regret…regret that I should have asked myself if I should have married. Now I don’t know anymore…

    Reply
  50. Hello Laura,

    I was just wondering if you had any advice for a wife who realized that respect is what he wants however there is no Godly way I can provide that respect because what he seeks for respect is for me and the children to return to the cult he is a member of?

    Thank you for your thoughts,

    Ann

    Reply
    • Ann, Sounds challenging! I know you just want to fix your marriage and be a happy wife and family again, and it shouldn’t be a choice between your family and joining a cult. That’s just not right. I think this deserves a longer conversation than just a response to a blog comment. I know how hard it is to try to put things back together by yourself. That’s why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women fix their relationships and we can help you too. Get a coach so you can stop feeling hopeless, trapped and scared and start feeling desired, taken care of and secure. You can get on the waitlist here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/

      Reply
  51. Do you have a book about the above subject. My husband of almost 4 years (been together for 9) recently moved out. Told me he dosent love me anymore, and he is filing for devorce.

    Reply
  52. No offense but why do women need to “fix themselves”? men are just as much to blame. It’s a two way street it takes two to have a relationship… good or bad. Let’s stop blaming women for everything and agree that BOTH men and women need to work on their faults.

    Reply
  53. Hi Laura,
    My husband of 16yrs, we have been together for 20, just told me he doesn’t love me anymore. I was devastated. He also told me that he feels that I have been emotionally abusive to him. I found your book and have realized that I have done pretty much everything that you wrote about. I asked for a chance to really look at myself and change and he agreed at first. One week later he is telling me even though I was wonderful and everything was great, he still wants a divorce and there is nothing I can do. He said when he looks at me he feels nothing. He said he needs to be completely cut off from me meaning a divorce for him to heal himself. He is planning on moving out once we get everything settled.
    I know that I really need to work on myself and have begun that road. Once we are divorced is there any hope? He has said that we will see what happens in the future but where do I go from here?

    Reply
    • Ann, That sounds incredibly stressful! I can see why you’re so devastated. I would be too! I know you just want to be a happy wife, but first you have to fix your relationship and it feels like it’s completely falling apart. You shouldn’t have to hear your husband say he feels nothing after 16 years. That’s not right! I still remember feeling like my husband just didn’t care about me and it was awful. That’s why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women fix their relationships. We can help you too. Get a coach so you can stop feeling hopeless, scared and lonely and start feeling desired, taken care of and special again! You can join the waitlist for my Ridiculously Happy Wife group coaching program here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/

      Reply
  54. Laura ,

    How much more respect can I give my husband ? I cry over things that aren’t my fault with arguing . He told me that he’s just here just to be here and sometimes he loves me … what kind of stuff is that ? He texts me when I’m at work with the sweet nothings and talking to me. Now he tells me this ? What’s real and what isn’t ? It just really hurts to know I or our family can’t make him happy . I don’t know what to do at this point . I don’t feel respected. He is very controlling and stubborn . My husband won’t listen . He tells me he just sees all the bad that has happened to us and just continues to see it by ignoring me and constantly on his phone not trying … I give him his space . Today I went to say “I love you “ but to him it’s a joke ….i do NOT understand. If my husband will not admit his faults nor apologize he should at least not hold a grudge to our marriage and ruin it. I’m unhappy and hurt too but I’m the one who always goes and talks to move on from this .. where is my love and respect that I’m only asking for ? When do I get that?

    Reply
    • Hi, Laura, my situation is differet. I was widowed years ago and met a nice man. Yesterday, he told me that he has never lived me and has lied to me for 9 years. He says he cares about me, and knows I am a good woman. He says that he got tired of lying aboutnit. We have travelled together, worked together, and we never fight. What the hell? I have nothing but my retirement and have an autistic son that needs me. Is there anything I can do?

      Reply
  55. I have been married for 13 years and my husband has said he doesn’t love me anymore, and I must move out, no counselling. He said that he needs to rediscover who he is, have space. I don’t want my marriage to be over and have no idea how I can save it from here

    Reply
  56. I’ve read a lot of these comments and although inspiring, I’m just not sure.

    My husband told me he didn’t love me and hasn’t for a long time, we’ve been married 32 years in April. He said he wasn’t going anywhere because he’s going to fulfill his obligation to me. He said he feels as though I chose to be a homemaker, but that I don’t ‘do’ anything. And he doesn’t respect me.
    I don’t want to live out the rest of my life not being loved, but I also don’t want to leave. I feel stuck.

    Reply
  57. Hi so my husband is angry at me. We got married just 2 months ago . About three weeks ago he stopped talking to me he didn’t reply to my messages. So I didn’t bother him for a few days. So just stayed at my parents house. I tried texting him a few times asking what was wrong and he never replied. So I called him today and he said he doesn’t want me to go back to his house to just stay at my parents and forget about him. That he doesn’t love me anymore.

    Reply
  58. Thank you for this insightful article. I stumbled across it as I was searching for what to do when your husband has never loved you, what hope there might be.

    We’ve been married for nearly 10 years and have three children together. I almost separated from him six months ago but was convinced to stay because of family pressures that our children would be damaged by it. Our situation feels unique because for the entirety of our ten years, from before we were married, he has said he doesn’t love me, in various ways. He has said and acted so consistently. He felt pressured to marry me, both from me (a lot of insecurity and being blind to what was in front of me) and from his parents. There’s been no “I’m in love with her” on his part from the beginning.

    All this is to say, I feel frustrated by the assumption that what’s needed is better understanding and more skill. Some of us are out here giving it all we’ve got and still beating ourselves up over what we must be doing wrong for things to go on not working. Maybe sometimes it’s just not in our control.

    Reply
  59. Thank you for writing this. I doubt he loves me anymore but we are stuck together because various conditions. Reading this make me feel calm, at least not to feel too sad about it.

    Reply
  60. My fiancé (of 4.5yrs) told me in November he is unhappy. I realized I was gonna lose the love of my life and so I did tried it all, Nothing. Come to find out he had made an emotional connection with someone else. Of course. Of course he can’t reconnect with me. He now prob has feelings for her and no longer loves me. He even made a pros and cons list of us and here are his cons: feels Emotionally disconnected, feels no chemistry or excitement, doesn’t have fun, doesn’t make relationship priority, feels we are incompatible, his Heart isn’t in it, feels we are unable to grow separately, says he has lack of communications, that he has changed causing distance. He has apparently been feeling some of this as early as May. While I always knew we were drifting, his work was priority and I was feeling lost, I had no idea it was this bad for him. I fully regret not speaking up, why didn’t either of us fight for each other.
    The new connection he made happened a couple of months ago he said and tried to say these unhappy feelings he had we’re before that.
    At this point is it worth fighting for? Should I give up? I don’t want to. He’s the love of my life. I’m 37, never felt this way for anyone.
    If he actually decides to go all in and fight together for our future, honestly is this even fixable?
    If it is how can I help him resize that?

    Reply
  61. My husband chased me for 32yrs to get a date.(since I was 7 and he was 10). We have been together for 11yrs (7yrs married). I have forgiven him for so many painful mistakes (including an affair with another woman). 4 yrs ago I found out he’s got a serious porn addiction. My heart shattered when I heard him say “I love you” while masturbating to porn. I have explained how I feel that he’s being unfaithful to me…that he’s giving his love to the porn women. And everytime he gets caught, he promises to stop. But broken promises and lies have taken control. 8 months ago, he told me that he doesn’t love me enough or care enough about me to quit porn. I had to leave him or lose myself in grief and depression. We are trying to work on fixing our marriage, but he still hasn’t given up the addiction or the lies. I don’t know what I should do or how to make him see how his addiction is effecting our marriage and his life in general. And how can I trust a man who won’t stop?

    Reply
  62. My husband and I are at rock bottom, years of neglect from both sides, 2 kids and the lockdown has pushed us to the brink of separation. He is saying he has checked out, he loves/cares for me as I’m the mother of his kids but he hasn’t been happy for a long time and now he doesn’t love me romantically anymore. I’m absolutely gutted, I knew we were in a bad place but I didn’t think we would ever get here! He is staying with a friend right now and desperately want to fix our relationship/marriage but I just don’t know where to start. I try to talk to him to get a glimmer of hope but he says the same thing and he can’t force the feelings back in and I just end up a mess all over again. What do I do? 🥺

    Reply
  63. Hi,
    My husband and I are coming up on our 8 year anniversary and been together almost 11 years. We have 3 kids together. He’s telling me he wants to separate and has felt this way for a long time and never said anything. He said he never wanted to get married or have kids. He seems so angry and resentful at me. I have tried hard to go to counseling with him and work to rebuild trust over the last 5 months once he told me how he was really feeling. I am devastated. Seems he was honest about his feelings but not giving me a chance to repairs . Is there hope? How do I protect my heart and still believe in hope for us?

    Reply
  64. Hello my husband of 21 years stated that he doesn’t love me. We had a fight he left. He tells me he doesn’t want help but he doesn’t want to be with anyone else or sleep with anyone else. I don’t know what he means. We’ve spoke of divorce . Please let me know what he’s doing because I love him so much and I don’t want to loose him.

    Reply
    • Marisela,

      Thanks for sharing what’s going on. That sounds hard. I admire your vulnerability and hear your desire around wanting transformation.

      My students have fixed their marriages in similar situations (and worse!) and become happy wives.

      I know it seems hopeless right now, but when you get the right structure and support, there’s every reason to be hopeful. I invite you to put your name on the waitlist for my Ridiculously Happy Wife program.

      It’s the most economical way to have access to a certified relationship coach, a secret FB group, online training, and all the bonuses so you can learn and practice the exact steps that attract husbands, fiancés, and boyfriends back and make the relationship playful and passionate again. We see a lot of miracles in the program!

      Reply
  65. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. Im 22 and he will be 26. We have 2 babies together and have gone through a lot these pst years. Money troubles, his mom passing, and multiple misscarriages. I recently (4 months ago) caught him cheating on me with one of his coworkers. We got into a fight and he said he doesnt love me anymore and that hes unhappy and doesnt want to be with me anymore. We agreed to attempt to work it out until the end of the year. But he can be so nasty to me and im convinced hes still cheating on me. I cant get into his phone bc he is very protective over it and secretive. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Ashley, this must be devastating and absolutely heartbreaking, especially after everything you’ve already been through! I remember that nastiness well and how hopeless I felt. But if I could turn things around and thousands of other women have too, I know that you can too!

      I hate to see you suffer one more day. I invite you to apply for a free Discovery Call to explore how private coaching would fit for you and empower you to save your marriage. You can apply at lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching. You deserve to feel desired, taken care of, and special!

      Reply
  66. Hi i met a person online marriage portal. We talked just for a month. He was depressed that time i motivated him. His actions made me feel like he loves me. And soon in his depressing state we got married. but soon after marriage he admit he did not vibe with me he does not love me. Marriage decision was taken at wrong time, so he feel forced and now regrets. He admit that i am a good person. But still vibe does not match and he does not like my presence and fell much irritated whenever i ask him anything. I have immense love for him. He confessed he had some other girl in his mind where everything was perfect just that girl was confused and going through divorce. We have zero/no sexual relation, whenever we got intimated it was me who initiated where i felt like i am forcing on him. He feels weird kissing me, touching me etc just cuddlong is fine with him. What should i do next ???

    Reply
    • It sounds so heartbreaking to discover all this, soon after getting married too. You should not have to hear that from your husband, the man you love! I remember not knowing what to do next to fix my marriage, and how lonely and painful that was. You have perfect timing to get the tools to repair your marriage. Please join us for the 5-Day Challenge starting today! You can register for free at lauradoyle.org/adored-wife-2021-challenge. Hope to see you there!

      Reply
  67. My husband walked out yesterday 11 years married 16 years together. Said he doesn’t love me anymore and hasn’t for a while . I was completely clueless we have two beautiful children and my heart is breaking I’ve not slept all night I don’t understand

    Reply
    • Corinne, that is devastating. You shouldn’t have to hear words like that from your man. That’s not right. I still remember thinking my marriage was hopeless and not understanding, which is why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women fix their relationships even after he left and said he didn’t have feelings anymore. We can help you too! Apply for a free Discovery Call to explore how private coaching would fit for you so you can save your marriage: lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching. You deserve to be desired, taken care of, and special!

      Reply

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