Coach Ros

My marriage began so wonderfully. We were very happy. We sailed around the world together, before having a family and settling down, with our separate careers and busy home life.

I was determined to be a great Mum, so I researched how to bring children up well and showered them with maternal energy. But unfortunately, the rest of the time I brought efficiency, deadlines and task lists into the home and my husband was the unsuspecting recipient!

Softness and femininity went out of the window. I had no time for that. Being strong and capable, I made sure I did everything, managed everything, controlled everything. And I had no idea just how much damage I was doing to our marriage. My husband just got my scraps and leftovers. Slowly but surely our intimacy and connection wore away and became really threadbare – like a thin and faded rug.

Cold wars started to happen more frequently. I became so frustrated with my husband’s way of doing things. I was dead certain I knew best in all areas – bringing up children, cooking healthily, planning trips, getting to appointments on time, how to behave in social situations. You name it, I nailed it!

In my head I scolded my husband ‘Don’t waste my time’. And he would pick up on my negative energy, commenting that I was really miserable and always in a bad mood. And I really resented this. I had lots of friends outside our home. I loved family occasions and chatting to other Mums at the school gate. 

But I was not succeeding with my husband in our marriage. He seemed persistently irritated with me. And I wanted to be accountable, so I would say sorry. But it never restored the peace quickly. And he never, ever said sorry himself.

He called me self-righteous. I refused to cry. I just built a wall around me and became an expert in defending myself. Every time my husband tried to talk about something I didn’t agree with, or he didn’t seem positive enough to me, I edited him ruthlessly. I wouldn’t let him finish his point. It seemed vital that I made it better with my own words. 

So eventually, he pretty much gave up speaking to me. He retreated, I retreated, my confidence as a wife shattered. I was lonely and struggling, but couldn’t express what I was going through. He told me how unhappy I was – again and again. I didn’t want to hear it. I found it unbearable and so painful. Then he shocked me by saying that now the kids were growing up, I didn’t want to be married any more. I was reverting back to what I really was, and he was trying to get out of my way as quickly as possible. And it broke my heart.

Then, a couple of friends told me about the Surrendered Wife book. I realised I’d heard Laura Doyle talking about it on BBC Radio way back when it came out! I listened with interest, then became distracted by my baby and forgot all about it.

But now, years later, I read this same book and the penny began to drop. Here was an amazing tool kit to enable me to show up completely differently. Finally, some hope! And I wanted to know more, so I looked Laura up and found her other books. I read them avidly. And I became obsessed with the podcasts!

I started practising the skills with my two friends in a homegrown, DIY way. The first thing I tried was duct tape. My husband and I had nothing much to say to each other. I’d shut this wonderful man down years ago. So, after our evening meal, unusually, he started talking about something. And instead of editing him, I just sat and listened. No words. And my husband spoke for an hour straight! Next night, I tried the same thing. And again he talked for an hour straight. And again. And again.

I couldn’t remember having expressed any desires in my marriage at all. And we’d been married almost 30 years by now. I realised that I hadn’t given my husband any clue at all about what I wanted and what would make me happy.  And so I started microscopically small: ‘I’d love a hook on my office door’ As if by magic, a shiny, new hook appeared! 

I had no understanding of self care. I was convinced that it wasn’t for me, was a waste of effort and I could do perfectly well without it. But I’d learnt my lesson about showing up depleted for so long, so I made a self care list and began to weave them into my day. And I felt so much better for it!

And then, I watched Laura’s Purpose, Prosperity and Intimacy webinar. And my biggest desire to date went thudding into my heart. I really wanted to become a Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach, so I could help other women navigate their own particular relationship challenges. Eventually my dream came true – although I had to relinquish control of the timeline!

Relationship Coach Certification was astonishing. I’d never done anything like it. I was practising the skills at such a deep level, with masses of support from senior coaches and my class mates. I learned to receive graciously, boost my gratitudes and explore my vulnerability – the scariest skill for me to adopt. 

And I saw such beautiful, lasting changes in my marriage as a result. I am so grateful for how I now show up. I am no longer afraid to be soft, tender and feminine and my husband is my hero in so many ways. Our glorious connection is back, better than it ever was.  

And it’s not just our family that benefits profoundly. My new way of being has a positive effect on every relationship I can think of, and I have the privilege of helping other women who want the same in their own lives.