How to Rebuild Your Marriage during a Separation
If your husband is moving out but you want to save the marriage, it can be terrifying.
Separation affects everything. Your whole life is being turned upside down without your consent, leaving you feeling powerless and heartbroken.
If you still love your husband but are separated, it’s devastating. This is not what you signed up for when you said “I do”!
So how do you save your marriage while separated?
Especially when simply communicating with your spouse during separation can be a big challenge. How are you supposed to save a relationship with someone you barely see or talk to, if at all?
It’s easy to feel hopeless.
But there is hope.
Ask a woman on our campus, like Jen, who had no contact with her husband for six weeks. She practiced some new skills and, as if by magic, something shifted. Her husband showed up at her door with roses begging her to come home. After hours of hugs and tears, he moved back in.
In working with thousands of women, my coaches and I have seen this story again and again.
Do you want to be next?
If so, here are 3 counterintuitive ways to make your husband miss you during separation and attract him back.
Contents
1. Don’t Stand in His Way
Lila and her husband were already separated under the same roof, and he wanted a divorce. Yesterday. He got more and more frustrated by how long the process was taking and accused her of dragging her feet and getting in his way.
Be that as it may–she wasn’t going to pave his way!
Every time he brought it up, Lila objected, “I don’t want a divorce. I want to stay married.”
As beautiful and pure as her desire was, she realized that repeating this particular desire was coming across as disrespecting his thinking. She knew that respect was like oxygen for men, and she really wanted to give her husband the oxygen he needed.
So Lila decided to try a different approach: not paving his way but not standing in his way either.
So when he suggested she switch to the divorce attorney that his divorce attorney worked well with, well, that sounded like crazy talk, but she saw it as an opportunity to show respect for his thinking. Despite the glaring conflict of interest, she agreed.
To her surprise, he got irritated with the new attorney instead of with her.
Not only did his frustration with her subside, he started serving her drinks and food, a big change from the usual of her serving him.
She didn’t know it yet, but the long-term change would be even better…
2. Become a Gracious Receiver
Unfortunately, Lila’s story got worse before it got better. Her husband started building a new house so he could move out.
Strangely enough, he’d invite her to his new house throughout construction. Talk about painful! Was he trying to torture her or what?
She saw it a different way: as an opportunity to receive. Mind you, this is not what she wanted to receive. But Lila’s relationship coach didn’t seem fazed by his claims that this would be his house and his alone. Lila chose to lean on her coach’s faith that this was her new home.
That helped her not only receive these invitations graciously but to show up with fun and light instead of sighs and tears. Every interaction could be a date, including their visits to the new house, and Lila dressed the part.
She must have surprised the heck out of him.
Sure enough, he invited her and their son to move to their new home.
Receiving graciously is simple because all it requires is saying “thank you.” But it’s not always easy. Especially if what he’s offering isn’t quite what you want, when you want it or how you would do it.
Receiving didn’t come easily for me, that’s for sure. When John would do the dishes, I’d say, “Now how about wiping the counters?” I cringe to remember how hard it was for me to receive graciously.
How could you stretch your receiving muscles, whether with your husband or someone else? Next time a friend offers to pay for your coffee or help you clean up, gives you a compliment or an apology, what if you simply said “thank you”?
3. Let Go of Expectations
Relationships that recover from a breakdown can become even stronger than before.
Just ask Corrine.
She suspected that the stories in The Empowered Wife podcast must have been exaggerated, or at least they promised things that might work for other people but not for her.
But she had just enough hope and commitment to invest in private coaching. When her coach invited her to something scary Corinne stretched to try it as an experiment. In the process, she transformed from critical and controlling into a gentle, soft woman who dove into self-care and sprinkled gratitude around like confetti.
When her coaching sessions concluded, although her husband remained cold and distant, Corinne loved the new woman she had become so much that she decided to continue practicing these Skills, even if the marriage didn’t survive.
In other words, she had no expectations. She even accepted the idea that she could end up happily single.
That’s when, out of nowhere, she got her miracle.
Her husband told her he loved who she had become. He said he wanted to stay married and be closer than ever. He even planned her dream trip to Europe.
Corrine could barely believe it.
Are you ready to be shocked too?
If you decide to put these 3 proven techniques for attracting him back into action, you may surprise him–and yourself–in the best possible way.
15 replies on “How to Rebuild Your Marriage during a Separation”
I do like these tips and I practice them a lot but it’s a great pity one wife practically had to become a different person before her husband would just do the right thing. It’s not like she didn’t deserve a good marriage in the first place.
I really hear you, Louise. You shouldn’t have to become a different person so your husband will just do the right thing! I admire your willingness to practice these tips nonetheless. I admit they didn’t feel very empowering to me at first. But today they feel so good I would practice them regardless of my husband, not to mention he responds to me a lot better this way too.
I would love to give you some support so you can have the marriage you deserve and feel empowered along the way. I invite you to the 5-Day Adored Wife Challenge, which starts today! You can join us for FREE at lauradoyle.org/challenge. Hope to see you there!
My husband left our home more than a year ago. After discovering the six intimacy skills, I try to apply it but I’m not sure if it’s working.
I realized that I want to let him know that I think of him on a daily basis and to make him smile so I try to send him cheesy pickup lines almost on a daily basis.
Is this the right way to go? Or am I trying too hard? I know I married an amazingly good guy and I have faith in us that’s why I don’t want to give up.
Lyn, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this separation. I love your willingness, but it must be scary trying to practice the Intimacy Skills without knowing whether they’re actually working.
These are great questions. Sounds like you could use some support getting back the good guy you married. I would love to support you so you can attract him back home! I hope to see you in The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program. We just emailed you today.
Laura,
I love your advice and program.
I would love to resume coaching after several months without support, but am struggling financially as a single mother.
Payment plans would be so beneficial as my situation won’t be changing any time soon (unless H miraculously comes back!) I have no other option and coaching was my lifeline through this unwanted and devastating separation. I am doing the best I can with practicing the skills, but I really would love your whole program to be accessible to all women regardless of their financial status as it does help women through crisis and navigating such a difficult time in their life.
Is there any possibility of this in the future?
Thanks, Eva. It sounds really tough to be struggling financially as a single mom. Kudos to you for expressing your desire.
We now offer coaching with a monthly membership in The Ridiculously Happy Wife, our most economical program. You can join the waitlist here:
https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/
Standing for your desire and hope to see you there!
I think you’re absolutely right, Laura.
Sound advice – thankyou.
Thank you for all the words of wisdom I’m going to try my best, And follow these simple instructions.
Hi Laura,
I am 29 and married at 27.
I think I must have missed it in marriage, literally I must have married the wrong man.
From the day of our wedding we quarrelled and at any slightest chance my husband will throw it in my face that divorce is our only option.
We have a one year old daughter and honestly she’s my utmost priority right now. I really will want my baby grow up in a peaceful home with mom and daddy but with my husband and I constant fight lately..I think I’m ready for the divorce.
Can you help me pls?
Blessing, feeling ready for divorce is so painful. Especially when that’s not really what you want, when your real vision is your daughter growing up in a healthy home with both parents. To be quarreling instead and hearing the D word, despite your best intentions, must be incredibly discouraging.
You are not alone. So many women on our campus believed they married the wrong man, including me! I remember when I was on the brink of divorce and it was lousy. Turns out I need a whole community of like-minded women to lean on. Now there’s peace and mutual respect in my home.
You can have that too. I know that, deep down, you know it since you are reaching out to me.
Get a coach so you can stop feeling hopeless and hurting, and start having a peaceful relationship instead! Join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here:
lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist
I love this post! I am interested in coaching but it has been hard to get in contact with someone. Can someone please tell me what is the best way to start? Thank you
Thank you, Vanessa! How exciting that you want coaching. Please reach out to our help desk at laura@lauradoyle.org anytime so we can get you taken care of ASAP.
I appreciate that your goal is to support healthy marriages.
Great article. I’ve had great success in all but one area. For years questions go unanswered. What do you do with a man who can’t save a penny? He spends every dime we make and I have tried it all to fix this. It’s as if he has a sickness.
When I relinquished control of the finances it was a disaster! He even overspent my credit cards. Years ago he threw us into bankruptcy. I am stumped.
This is my one dilemma and he had lied to me since the day we met. Sad
Thanks, Jen! Oh my, this sounds sad for sure. And so scary! Especially to catch him lying on top of it all. You should not have to go through that, much less bankruptcy, when you’ve been so committed to changing this.
I can see why you’re stumped. Finances have been my biggest bugaboo too. It was scary when my husband stopped making money completely. I’ve changed my approach since then and have been amazed to see him become more successful than ever.
That’s why my coaches and I have helped thousands of women with this graduate-level skill. We can help you too!
I would love to support you so you can turn this around completely. I recently emailed you a link to schedule my free Masterclass and invite you to check it out!