What Women with Lifelong Romance Believe:
A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walked into a bookstore…and walked away with more intimacy, passion and peace in their marriages. That’s according to my guest blogger April Cassidy, a Christian who says that she wanted to be respectful of her husband but didn’t know how until she got detailed instructions. She caused a pretty awkward moment in the bedroom before she learned. Read the inspiring story of her journey below.
This is the second installment in my blog series What Women with Lifelong Romance Believe. The first installment was from the perspective of a Jewish wife in Jerusalem, Israel. Next week’s guest blogger is a Muslim wife who describes the challenges of being surrendered for her.
This is her letter:
Our marriage had always been ok. We didn’t have any serious problems. But, for me, our level of emotional intimacy often fell way short of where I had always thought it could and should be. I was dominant, and my husband was passive for most of our marriage. I tended to tell him what to do, and how to do things, and if he didn’t do what I wanted, I would take over and do it myself – things need to be done right, after all! I thought I was a pretty great wife! If only HE would change, everything would be perfect!
There were many times I knew he loved me deeply. But there were other extended periods of time when I felt very lonely, overwhelmed, exhausted, confused, and anxious. My husband seemed so distant. I asked him what he needed from me, but he couldn’t verbalize it. I felt unloved, unnecessary and unappreciated sometimes. I would tell him that I needed more from him, and he would drift even further away. My husband watched TV constantly. I felt jealous of all the time he spent with all of his remotes and electronics and I often fantasized about throwing the TV and computer out the window! I thought that if those distractions were gone, he’s pay attention to me again, like he did before we got married.
When I finally got up enough nerve to think about having a baby, I was very anxious. I wasn’t sure I could handle all that uncertainty! I convinced my husband it was time for us to try for a baby, even though he wasn’t that excited about the idea. The very first month, I knew exactly the day I should be ovulating, and it was getting late into the night and nothing was happening with my husband. I actually got really angry and demanded, “If we are going to try to have a baby, we have to actually try NOW! I am ovulating TODAY!” I can remember the look he gave me. It wasn’t a happy look. We actually did get pregnant that day… but it was not the joyful occasion that a conception should have been. My controlling attitudes often ruined potentially precious moments.
Sometimes my husband did put his foot down, and I would very reluctantly go along with his decision – but I would cry, pout, and try to make him change his mind. It wasn’t pretty. I was so adamant about being right all the time. So many times, he just let me have my way rather than tell me his thoughts. Most of the time, I had no idea he didn’t agree with me. He was so quiet.
My faith in Christ is the biggest priority in my life. I long to be a godly wife and mom more than anything in the world! For many years, I thought I WAS being respectful and honoring my husband’s leadership in our marriage. I was completely floored when I realized what a terrible job I had been doing as a wife. My breakthrough came when I read “The Surrendered Wife” by Laura Doyle. I was amazed! I completely identified with her mindset “before” surrendering – and I had the same sad results she had from trying to be in charge in my marriage. Her book was my “Rosetta Stone” to learn to speak the language of respect fluently and to learn how to step down and yield control. “The Surrendered Wife” completely upheld and supported what the Bible commands wives to do, but gave me the practical application I needed so desperately that I just had never seen in real life before. I had no idea what femininity was, or what masculinity was! I didn’t feel feminine all the time I was growing up. I didn’t understand the real source of a woman’s power.
I read the book daily for 3 months! I knew that my old habits and mindsets were destructive and that it would take a HUGE effort to change and reshape my thinking. “The Surrendered Wife” gave me all the whys (which I needed) AND a LOT of concrete examples and suggestions so that I could discuss different ideas with my husband and learn what really spoke respect to him and what didn’t. I finally found out that I did have something valuable to offer to my husband that he deeply needed from me!
Now, I am my very best self, the woman I have always wanted to be. I am true to my femininity for the first time in my life! I feel beautiful. I feel adored, cherished, loved and pampered by my husband. I am living in peace and joy every day. This is the life I know God designed for me to live!
Now, my husband looks me in the eye when I come in the room and smiles and sometimes winks at me! He hugs me a lot for no special reason. He actually pursues ME now! My happiness is one of my husband’s biggest priorities these days! My husband even recently wrote a blog post about all the changes he saw in me and then the changes that occurred in his own life after I read “The Surrendered Wife” – now he actually calls himself “The Respected Husband.” My prayers have all been answered beyond my wildest dreams!
