Would You Be Happier if You Married Someone Else?
John Doyle
Recently, Laura and I attended the backyard birthday party of a friend. There were many couples there, most of whom we knew. The evening was unusually humid for Southern California, but there was just enough scattered, light rain to make it refreshing, and we were outside under strings of lights. There was also the promise of a fireworks show from the nearby sports stadium.
Seated with us at our picnic table were a couple of wives enthusiastically complaining about their husbands, saying things like, “He never picks up after himself,” “I have to make all the vacation plans–he never does anything,” “It’s like I have another child instead of a husband,” and other critical things.
They were making these statements right in front of their stoic husbands, who were not defending themselves.
Laura suggested to the women that they could get the things they wanted from their husbands by using the Intimacy SkillsTM instead of criticizing them.
One of the women said, “Of course Laura, it’s easy for you because you’re married to John. I’d feel that way too if I were married to John,” She was speaking as if I’m different from other husbands–and as if the reason for Laura’s and my success in marriage is because I pick up my socks and do the dishes upon command.
These women who complained about their husbands, while extolling my virtues, were unaware of one thing: they would be treating me the same way if I were married to them.
They would view me with the same mindset through which they see their own mates, and I would be found equally lacking. They would probably consider me to be inconsiderate, sloppy, and lazy, among other things.
I’m a Regular Guy
I have no illusions about myself in this arena. I’m not exceptional, as far as the male side of the species goes. I’m just a regular guy. Those wives don’t live with me day to day like they do with their husbands, and they only see me in social situations when I am at my best, so their opinion of me is somewhat idealized.
The women’s complaints about their husbands were mercifully interrupted by the start of the fireworks show, and our attention moved away from the unpleasant subject.
Before I met Laura, I had had other relationships with women who called me inadequate, sloppy, uncool, and several other pejoratives.
They unfavorably compared me to their male acquaintances, coworkers, ex-boyfriends, and pretty much any male movie star or TV personality who was currently popular.
I was the same person then that I am now, albeit somewhat less mature and experienced in life. The one thing that’s different?
Here it is: expectations.
Laura expects the best from me, and that outlook colors the culture of our relationship. My self-identity in our marriage is that of being an accomplished, successful husband with a positive attitude. This image is reflected by Laura’s expectations.
It’s like West Point: you’re expected to be the best because you’re at West Point. And that’s how it is in our marriage.
For these women at the party, it’s almost like their husbands are strangers to them. They have this mental image of their spouses that doesn’t comport with reality.
No man is perfect, but these guys are working hard and doing well in their jobs, admired by their employers. They are fathers and providers.
In return for their efforts, they receive a lack of admiration from their wives, who don’t even see their real husbands.
If they could really see their husbands, they would see men dedicated to the relationship, who are showing this dedication the best way they know how: working hard for the family, and staying loyal to their spouses.
If they really saw their husbands, they would appreciate them and be encouraging to them, instead of sniping and insulting.
In light of the criticism and micro management of the wives at this party, their husbands’ willingness to be of service to their spouses and kids is nothing less than heroic.
As the fireworks ended and the party carried on, the hosts broke out their karaoke machine.
The excited partygoers were already lining up to take the microphone and sing. One of the complaining wives was first in line. The song she chose to perform was a rocker by Elizabeth Gilles, titled “You Don’t Know Me.”
24 replies on “Would You Be Happier if You Married Someone Else?”
just want to add – I guess my imploring him to try to say something nice to me was a form of nagging – yet the other option was that we were not having sex – was totally turned off at that time bec. my soul felt degraded and objectified. Now again, after his porn fix (which turns him into a monster each time and I don’t feel safe when he’s in that mode), he’s not interested in giving emotionally, but this time I am not nagging. Just waiting him out – not available for sex- while working on implementing more of the strategies in your books which I just purchased. One I used today – he told me “don’t use the cleaning lady for unimportant stuff like help with cooking (I am cooking for a huge crowd and am counting on her!), bec. I need her for other stuff”. I answered ” sorry, I can’t manage without the help”.
Brenda, I acknowledge you for your courage to post a comment about your relationship. I hear your husband has been emotionally unavailable to you for 27 years. For me, the emotional distance lasted for just over 30 years. I stayed in the marriage because of my vows even though I didn’t think my husband was a good provider. Thankfully he is now. It started getting better when I read the book, but there was still a lot missing. Then I started coaching and I got a breakthrough. Now my husband and I have the marriage and sexual intimacy we both dreamed of. Our children are so happy it is like this. Hindsight tells me I was not going to be able to achieve this level in my relationship by only reading the book. I encourage you to schedule a free discovery call to see what is possible. Even as I signed up for coaching, I did not realize until it was all done that my marriage could be this good. For me, I wasted a lot of years being unhappy and it made sense to me to try one more thing. What did I have to lose? This is what I was looking for.
I noticed that you write in your books that active addiction such as drugs, alcohol and gambling are deal breakers. What about sex addiction? My understanding is that there’s a difference between a porn user and a porn addict. My husband is a porn addict.
The sad news is that he was never “safe” from day one of marriage or 27 years. It’s not like he was so sweet and charming and then things went downhill. We were set up through friends, had very short dating period and engagement do to our religious customs, and the minute we tied the knot, his mask came off and he revealed his cold, totally self absorbed, controlling side – was all about him, never about me.
Fast forward 27 years later. Over the last 2 years, I have been reclaiming my femininity through the exact suggestions of your book – sort of came to it on my own – and while I have reclaimed my sanity, and it feels wonderful to behave respectfully, never criticize, not give advice, thankful for occasional help he offers, take care of myself etc., I cannot say that it has brought us one iota closer. He has no interest in giving to me emotionally, making me happy etc. and my soul tells me he just doesn’t’ feel safe – and it has come to the point that I stopped having sex with him bec. he feels like a stranger to me – It was a soul intuition that came from becoming healthier that told me to stay away from the bedroom for now.
I am staying in the marriage bec. he is not abusive to the children, he provides for the family . Will re- evaluate when youngest leaves the roost.
What are your thoughts on this?
Brenda, your story reminds me very much of Melissa’s story. She was estranged from her husband of 30 years under the same roof and there was no sex. She used the Intimacy Skills and said, “They’re great, but they don’t work for everyone. Things are better now, but it’s not like a real marriage.” But she hadn’t been using all of the skills–she left out vulnerability. When she started being vulnerable with her husband, that’s when she had a breakthrough and they began to reconcile so completely that she wrote me excitedly saying she couldn’t wait to stand under the mistletoe that year, and that they were so physically affectionate that her kids were complaining it was grossing them out. Which is pretty much what everybody wants–so much physical affection that it grosses out the kids, right? So there’s more for you in this 27 year marriage that you’re not ready to leave yet. I encourage you to consider applying for a discovery call to figure out what the best move might be for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
It’s great to hear from a husband perspective
Very powerful letter, John. I often wish that I could hear a man’s thoughts when the man-bashing begins.
I don’t tend to do that, but I have definitely tried to be “helpful” and critical when I am scared or hurt. Apparently, that was more often/pernicious than I realized. Now I find myself at a loss for how to take care of myself since my husband left. I am devastated.
Throughout my marriage (6 years) I have been willing and active in learning new skills to enrich our strong, loving partnership. Unfortunately, I was using the wrong ones and am pretty sure I found this set of skills too late. The only contact I have with my husband is email, and that is relatively rare. We are on the brink of divorce, which I believe neither of us wants. I think he has given up, though. Now that he took this big stand it’s like he is too proud to back down.
I do want/need help.
Sandra, I’m so sorry to hear about the painful situation you’re in. I admire your humility and courage in reaching out for help. And I have good news: It’s not too late to save your marriage. I suggest you apply for a discovery call to figure out what the best next move would be for your relationship. You can do it here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
I 100% with you a great article indeed with some great points. My question though is I am to respect my husband who is to love me as Christ loved the church. He has totally shut me out and honestly I would say he does not even like me much. Anyone else’s company is better than being with me. I have spent the last 3 years adjusting “myself” to be more Laura-like and you know what I am doing good BUT he is holding on to EVERY wrong I had done in the past, and there is one thing I know I am still not forgiven 9 years after the deed. How long will it take for his eyes to see me now?
Just Me, I’m with you that it sounds very lonely to be married to someone who’s avoiding you. I still remember how awful that was. I so admire that you’re not looking to leave but how to make it better, and I feel very optimistic for you that it definitely can get a lot better. I hear that you’re using the Intimacy Skills and doing well with them. What I’ve seen is that sometimes one small adjustment with a skill–something in your blind spot, perhaps–will shift everything. It can happen fast, especially since you’re already practicing the skills.
I suggest a complimentary discovery call–to discover your best next move for your relationship. You can apply here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
This is all well and good if your hubby is truly doing his best, but some husbands simply don’t care about anyone but themselves. 12 years of verbal and emotional abuse from the man who makes time for his family when he feels like it has taught me that some hubbies just don’t care.
J, I hear you. Sounds like you’ve put up with a lot! I also thought my husband didn’t care at all, but I was surprised that when I learned the Intimacy Skills he seemed like a completely different guy–and by different, I mean much better. It sounds like you have a lot invested with your husband. What could it hurt to try the Intimacy Skills and see if they make a difference? It takes about two weeks to notice a difference. Although some people say they get results in the first day.
John,
It is so helpful, in my view, for wives to hear a husband’s perspective like yours. Thank you very much for writing this post. I believe it will be a blessing to many marriages.
Thanks, April! John loved your comment, and Karla, same with yours.
Thank you John and Laura! I’m new to the intimacy skills–it’s going great so far. When we were first married, I thought it was cool and funny to rip on men–including my man–all the time. As the years went by I guess he got tired of being disrespected and just gave up. Oh he stood by me, but we weren’t very close there for a while. What really opened my eyes was my son. He was so angry. I could see that he needed respect. He needed to be asked rather than ordered. He needed Dave and I to stop arguing and he needed us to model a respectful marriage to him. Thank God I woke up before he hit his teen years! Wish it were sooner. Thanks again!
Jamie, Great story about recognizing that your son needed respect and therefore your husband does too! Love that insight and your willingness to be open to it. Glad to hear it’s going great!
Thank you for this excellent article John. So true. I have had many women say something similar to me about how this would not work for them and this is working for me because I have such a great husband.
Before I learned the intimacy skills I thought I was married to a loser and when I learned new behaviors, miracle of miracles, he became the ideal husband.
Now I’m glad I stayed with him.
Thank you for saving me today, John. I am shifting my perspective once again… just needed to find my clutch.
Years back I read a quote that has stuck with me and the Intimacy Skills that Laura teaches us are the action step of the change when I am the same skirt in the room.
Now I use the Skills and my estranged husband and I are slow dancing back into our relationship. I’m happy and like who I am and who he is when I trust him to be the wonderful man I married.
Karla, you such a great job of keeping your eyes on your own paper and looking for how you can make that paper amazing. Congrats on your pending reconciliation! So exciting. I’m so happy to watch it unfold.
For me leaving is not even an option so I look high and low for things I can change….still looking, I am a prisoner of hope! Any tips???
To Just Me… I think I hear you say staying is your only option. I felt the same way and still do. The difference for me is that now I have the skills to have the happiness I always craved but could not achieve. I am so glad I stayed. I want to be with my amazing husband. I invite you to read my story at http://www.intimacyandpeace.com/norita-bonin
I am wondering if you have read any of Laura Doyle’s books. The current releases are “First The Empowered Wife” and”Surrendered Wives, Empowered Women”. For me it was the first step of my journey to read, then once I understood the concepts I got help from coaches to take the work much further than I could have on my own. I didn’t really believe the transformation these other women had could really happen for me. I was wrong though because now I have the marriage beyond my wildest dreams just like my coaches do.
It’s Brenda again, and I just can’t play psych games with a grown man. It’s having 5 children in a 59y/o body. My ex looks really great compared to with event. This was the BIGGEST political pitch every. No promise has been kept of started.
Brenda, looks like autocorrect had it’s way with your post, and I’m not sure what all you were trying to say. But I can definitely confirm that life is too short to play psych games. Fortunately, with the Intimacy Skills I’m just working on being the best Laura I can be–no games, no manipulation. It’s been a great self-improvement program.
I read your wife’s book, and am truly willing to do what I need to do for our marriage. I just don’t understand how to begin. Our car has been out of commission for 5 months. We have been using my parents car, when they aren’t using it, to run errands. He just won’t fix it. My father will be helping him. Nothing is done. We don’t have enough wood to keep us warm this winter. There are 7 unfinished projects in our home that need to be done. I could go on. I haven’t said anything about all of that to him. I haven’t nagged. But I am ready to explode!!!!! I don’t know what to do!
Amber, That sounds pretty difficult and uncomfortable. I can see why you’re ready to explode. Kudos for not nagging–that’s great. Consider finding one thing–even something tiny–that he has fixed or finished and done recently and thanking him for that–even if it’s just that he took out the trash.
Also, instead of exploding, you can express your pure desires. Maybe with the car by saying, “I would love to be able to drive our car to do errands.”
I hear your commitment to being respectful and I admire that.