My Husband Hates Me
Recently a woman named Sharon told me that she had no hope of having a happy marriage because her husband hated her.
When I asked how she knew that, she said that he was always scowling at her and that he took every opportunity to say mean things.
It sounded incredibly lonely and painful. I could see why she was feeling so hopeless.
She had plenty of evidence that her husband hated her, and that he hurt her intentionally.
As I listened, I had a hunch there was an entirely different explanation for the way he was acting.
I suspected that her marriage troubles were totally solvable.
Experience told me that her husband’s hatred was more likely a symptom than the real problem.
Here’s what you need to know to heal your marriage to a hateful husband:
Contents
1. Ask Yourself if He’s Hateful or Just Hurt
When you feel like your husband hates you, it’s because you’re incredibly hurt.
Of course you are, in light of what he’s done! That’s understandable.
But if you flip the situation around for a moment and consider the possibility that he might also be hurt, it’s interesting to ask yourself if you were trying to hurt him.
Was it because you hate him?
Or was it to defend yourself, or to try to get your own needs met?
If it was the latter, then consider the possibility that he is in the same boat as you–not intending to hurt you but not knowing how else to navigate the challenges you’ve been having as a couple.
Back in the bad old days of my marriage, when I thought divorce was the only option, I spoke negatively about my husband to anyone who would listen.
I felt completely justified in doing this because I was just telling the truth–my truth, from my perspective, about all the ways he was a terrible husband.
Francis O’Walsh said that some people find fault as if it were buried treasure, and I think he might have been referring to how I was back in those days.
Now, I know that the way I spoke about my husband was deeply disrespectful, and that hurt him.
Even if he wasn’t within earshot when I was griping to my friend about him, I didn’t bother to change my tune when I was with him.
Wherever I went, I was polishing those precious fault nuggets I found.
His response, I now realize, was to be defensive.
That meant he got an angry look on his face.
Sometimes he said things that were downright mean.
And he was definitely obstinate about doing anything that I wanted.
All of which I added to my endless list of evidence of how he was a hateful, horrible husband.
2. See if You Recognize Yourself
It never crossed my mind that even big, strong men feel hurt–but they do. Especially when the woman who knows him best in the whole world speaks harshly about him to anyone who will listen.
Just listening to Sharon, who had a long list of grievances, I recognized my old self.
If she spoke that way at home, just as I had, it was easy to see how her husband might also be defending himself mightily, and even hostilely, from feeling attacked.
As painful as it was to recognize my own contribution to the hostility at my house, it was also liberating.
It meant that I could do something about it. I had the power. It wasn’t hopeless because there was plenty that I could improve on.
And once I did improve, of course he didn’t seem so hateful. At all.
Consider conducting an experiment where you clean up the criticizing and complaining to see if your husband’s hatefulness persists.
How do you do that?
I’m glad you asked!
3. Issue a Short and Sweet Apology
When I suggested that Sharon consider apologizing for being disrespectful, she was clearly skeptical that this was necessary or appropriate.
I knew how she felt–I get uncomfortable about apologizing for being disrespectful too, especially if I’m also feeling hurt.
Sharon hated the whole idea of it. Apologize? Blech!
But she decided to do it anyway.
She thought of something specific and said, “I apologize for being disrespectful when I argued with you about Sienna going to the school dance.”
She didn’t say “if I was disrespectful” or add any explanation or justification. She just said that one sentence.
Then she was quiet and waited for him to say, “Oh, you weren’t disrespectful. Don’t worry about it.”
But to her shock, he didn’t. He looked completely sincere when he thanked her for the apology.
And then something magical happened: The atmosphere between them changed.
The tension left the building.
She could see that her husband didn’t seem to hate her after all.
He looked calm and relieved.
She told me how nervous and amazed she felt, knowing just how quickly she could restore the connection once she knew what to do.
4. Empowerment Wears a Disguise
I still find myself owing my husband an apology from time to time for being disrespectful too.
It’s still a little uncomfortable getting there.
Last week while we were out to dinner at a swanky restaurant, I said something disparaging about one of his clients.
He correctly took it as me trying to control which clients he gives priority to.
He made an irritated face, and I’m happy to report that this time I quickly apologized for being disrespectful.
Other times it takes me a little while to get there. But when I do apologize, the results are always the same. Peace is restored throughout the land, and I feel connected to my husband, which I absolutely love.
I equate apologizing with empowerment now.
Want to feel empowered in your relationship?
What can you apologize for to your husband?
Think of it as an experiment and consider trying it on just to see how it goes at your house. How have you been disrespectful that you can apologize for this week?
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below about whether there’s anything you could apologize for. Or maybe this seems too awkward or unnecessary. Feel free to share what’s true for you.
94 replies on “My Husband Hates Me”
Laura, I love with your ideas. I was intuitively doing them, somewhat, for 27 of marriage. But I obviously didn’t do them enough, because my husband left me three years ago, tho he didn’t divorce me, and he still provides for me financially.
Throughout our marriage he was verbally abusive, cold, mean, hard hearted, and uninterested in any kind of intimacy, not even sex. I accepted and continuously forgave him, and focused on his good qualities, hard working provider, faithful, dependable.
The thing is, he was like that all his life before we met. His family told me he was verbally abusive and mean to people, and he had never had a single romantic relationship before me.
I am coming out of the grief of him leaving me. And wondering if this relationship has any hope. I remember the fun, emotionally intimate, passionate time we had early in our relationship. I remember the occasional times it was like that during the later years too. He says he’s still committed to me, but has no interest in intimacy with anyone, and that marriage life doesn’t interest him. He says he prefers to live alone, and work is his life. We haven’t seen each other in three years.
Is there any any hope for us, considering he says he’s simply not interested in an intimate relationship?
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such heartbreak. You shouldn’t have to go through this after 27 years of marriage! I thought my marriage was hopeless, so you are not alone. Thousands of women on our campus have felt the same way but thought their situation was different.
I remember the days when I needed a miracle to fix my marriage. To paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen around here, they happen all the time! I just needed a community and coaching support to make my miracle possible. I’m standing for you to get what you need so your miracle is next!
Oh my goodness this article really hit me today… I’ve read it a couple times before but it was in my email today so i read it again before i listened to today’s podcast. We have been really struggling lately, we are living apart due to fighting and police intervention but are still committed. I had this dream that we could just start over and I would go in using the skills and he would be working on his part and it would be happily ever after! But obviously I was not square on my paper as evidenced by the last part of the previous sentence😁 so as you can imagine I managed to turn right back into the controlling, judgey, victimy, unsupportive, ugly partner mirror that got us into this mess. I truly am not a victim or judgemental or even mean, yet for some reason I’m my romantic relationship I can get so twisted up. The big things is that it’s hard to accept that I am not always the loving, supportive, moral, respectful girl I strive to be and I have had it so pounded into my mind that somehow my relationship it my man is supposed to be what makes me happy. I know how would that sounds yet I keep praying that through my behaviors and attitude. My man can’t breathe and I am the suffocating force. It’s back to the basics for me… Apologize sincerely, truly let go of my control and paper jumping as many times a day as it takes and make my own self happy so that I’m fun and light and I’m a person another would want to be around. It’s so simple and I manage to go on since twisted roller coaster despite the previous proof I have that he literally takes to ask the skills better than I could have dreamed. So i started with the apology just an hour ago half knowing I might not get much of s response because I have had to Apologize so many times before. And even with no expectation and just the peace that I know it was sincere I received not only an it’s okay baby but he apologized too for the way he acts and I didn’t even imagine that, I honestly had justified his behavior for him but he is so sweet and Loving. I also did gratitude before the apology and it really opened my eyes to how much he loves me and he sent me a gratitude list… I’m so lucky and here we go skills I e got this!!!
I have had to apologize so much he no longer receives it. He is so hurt and so mad and it seems to get twisted inside his head. I do feel hated. And I try and I try. He is so mean and grumpy. Finances and he feels like a loser. I am at a loss.
Amber, you should not have to feel hated by your own man. That sounds terribly hurtful. I remember feeling exactly the same way, including about finances, and it was awful. That’s why my coaches and I now empower so many women in turning this around, especially when the Skills don’t seem to be working and something is going missing.
I would love to get you some coaching when you’re ready so you too can feel loved and taken care of. I invite you to become a Ridiculously Happy Wife and get unstuck!
I had been disrespected by my family(mom) talking bad about my charater and I was so hurt. My husband always supported me to stand up for myself which I thought I could do it but when I am really in front of my mom I never could do it to stop her and again getting more hurt. Now my husband thinks that I only listen to him and couldn’t stand up for myself and all the time I did that he feels like I have been disrespecting him and not listening to him which he was telling me to help me to stand up for myself. Now he’s so angry on me and he just can’t take it anymore and want’s out the marriage(8 years). I finally realised that he’s always been behind my back and helping me but never realised that I have been hurting him without knowing. I feel so sad. I have been appologising to him that I treated him so bad and pushed him away. I can really understand that I hurt him all along. I really want to make it right, and he’s already made his mind of getting out of the marriage. I really don’t know what to do. Please help.
Hi Laura,
I too was very disrespectful to my husband in all honesty I was down right hurtful. I would say so many awful things to him. Afterwards I would ask myself who was I, I couldn’t believe the words I was capable of saying to the man I was so deeply in love with, but the words that were coming out of my mouth were really coming from my heart that was broken from the years of verbal abuse he was saying from drinking. He didn’t drink everyday and there were times of complete abstinence for months and during those times things were good. But the last 4 years wasn’t. 3 months ago he asked for a divorce and I felt my entire world was imploded in that very minute I realized just how much I still was in love with my husband and the thought of spending 1 day without him sickened me. I lost 30 pounds in less than 2 months and hardly slept.
We talked and he agreed to come home to try and work through our issues we are together as of right now but fear that my insecurities are pushing him away. We have been together for close to 20 years I love him very much I don’t want to lose him. I have apologized from the core of my heart to him for my words and I truly mean it. I am sorry. I hope things work out for us its a process and we have a long way to go with other issues he seems not ready to touch on.
Thanks for listening.
Debbie.
Any advice for someone whose husband is leaving her for a girl he met online half-way around the world? Three weeks and he loves her and hates me.
Hey Laura,
My situation is a complete mess. My husband has filed for divorce and I am fighting it every step of the way. Two years ago he had an emotional affair which he denies. Then a year later I had two physical ones. I completely take responsibility for my part in this mess. We had not had intercourse in two years or any form of intimacy. We stopped doing things together. I am trying my best to prove my love and devotion for him and he hates every second of it. He doesn’t speak to me at all. He refuses to eat any food I fix or buy. Plus he has started drinking heavier. I’m honestly am at a lose of what to do. Can you help?
We are both on our last marriage after divorce pasts. Living in my home after he sold his and banked the money in his own account. He wants to keep his moneys separate and wants me to put his name on the title to our home that was my contribution to our marriage. How do you dela with combining things ;ike this in a marriage. We both feel insecure and can’t communicate about it.:(
It was strange that I had been praying the past year since I left my husband; but praying more the past couple of months. Then finally I realized I might have been praying for the wrong thing.
Then after I started praying that God’s will be done in my marriage I started to see some things I had been doing that caused a great deal of marital problems.
I immediately sent my husband a message and apologized for my behavior; that was a few weeks (about 4) and a couple of weeks later I ran across Laura’s information. About 3 hours ago I was cleaning and I realized I had been playing the roll of husband and wife, so I sent him a message letting him know that I was relinquishing the role of husband and letting him have that role since that was God’s original intent. But every since I apologized the 1st time we have had great conversations without any arguing; which is very different because we’ve been at odds more than 3/4 of the time the past 4 years. I made all the decisions, made all the purchases, talked really bad about him and to him, basically just didn’t respect him or let him be the man. After I started reading Laura’s emails I realized I had been totally in the wrong but am not on the right track. But I couldn’t see my way was wrong until I allowed myself to see myself; then Laura’s information opened my eyes more. Although I cannot begin to afford to financially join the team, I am thankful to have run across her information about saving my marriage.
I have read and re-read this article and the comments posted. I can not wrap my head around this. Maybe it’s the wording, “apologize for being disrespectful”. It sounds so submissive, degrading even. What I’m hearing is my husband behaves badly with me, I must have done something to cause it, so to fix it I should apologize for disrespecting him? The thought doing this makes me grimace. I don’t want to be viewed as submissive, I want to be viewed as and to be his equal. What am I missing??
He really does hate me. He can’t think of enough ways to cut me down to size. If I get any smaller I’m going to disappear. I get grumpy sometimes too especially when he won’t do anything spontaneous with me.
I have been reading these blog entries for a long while now and while I do think they sound good, in reality I think there are just some men who are emotion-less and kind of robotic. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to make my husband blossom into a loving person who adores me. Sigh.
“If you think you can or you think you can’t…you’re right.” — Thomas Edison
I understand about how we can only control our actions and responses… however I also get tired of feeling like I am the only one making the effort. I feel like I have tried your recommendations and nothing changes. Maybe I haven’t tried hard enough.
Jamie, It is pretty hard to keep going when you don’t get anything back! That’s frustrating and exhausting for any mere mortal woman. I needed a lot of support around me to get the great response I have from my husband now. I’d love to see you get support too. The Ridiculously Happy Wife Program would be so valuable for you. I hate to see you go on struggling by yourself! That didn’t work for me either. But getting support gave me superpowers in my relationship and I wouldn’t trade it for anything now.
Today, I left my purse at home. I work 25 min away from home. I drove my car here, but I was supposed to fill up on my way home. So I didn’t have enough gas to get home. My work phone, card to access the building and credit cards and cash were all in the purse. I called me husband and let him know. He offered to bring it to me. Then he said if u can get in the building let’s just do lunch. So we decided on that. I let him know that I had to be back by 1:30. He said ok I will be there by 12 or 12:15. At 12:15 he hadn’t left yet. Then he called around 12:20 and said he left. I asked him why he was late. He said he was in the bathroom. Then I said “that’s not nice”. (My husband can spend a lot of time in the bathroom). I didn’t say anything after that but he wouldn’t let it go. He asked me why I am beating him down. I said I’m not I just said it is not nice to be late. He still wouldn’t let it go and started raising his voice at how ungrateful I was. He spent his drive telling me this. I didn’t say anything back except I’m sorry I didn’t mean to put him down. But he just kept going and going. Finally he got to my work and said I am downstairs come down. So I hung up my desk phone and came down. Got in the car. Then he yelled more. And I kept saying I’m sorry I said anything. He pulled into a parking lot cause he was screaming now. I had to cover my ears. His face was red. Then I couldn’t take it and I got out of the car. He screamed “get back in the car bitch!”. I didn’t and he sped off. I cried for a while and then took a Lyft back to my work. Don’t know what will be waiting when I get home.
My husband tells me daily how I add zero value to our marriage or his life. He threatens divorce at least 4x a week, but has yet to file. Ana said it best, I die a bit each day. Just this morning, after making and packing his breakfast like every morning (not even making myself breakfast) he started a fight with me and as he walked out he said “all you have to offer is making pancakes.” It ripped my soul. I know he is hurt by some of my actions because he has shared that. I have apologized. Maybe not sincere enough? I want to apologize to him today, but do I also apologize for the past? To make this successful, do I list out all things he is hurt by and apologize one by one, as one big swoop? How can I be successful with this and actually get him to soften up?
When I apologize, he yells. He says he doesn’t want my sorry. He wants me to stop my behavior. I can’t make mistakes. Then he yells more. He can do this for hours. If I say anything more at the time to calm him down he says I’m arguing. The other day I got my daughter’s dance class time wrong. I thought it was 9 am, when it was actually 8 am. I remembered the correct time at 7:50 am, when I was In the shower with hair color in my hair. I had to ask him to take her, which he did. But he returned home yelling that I subconsciously did not want to take her so I created circumstances to fit my need. I was looking forward to taking her so that wasn’t true. I apologized for making him run around last minute, but he yelled and yelled. So you see, some of you might have a way out. I don’t. I die a bit every day.
I am going through it with my husband right now, one day were fine and the next its hell. I pray something turns around for us soon
When I apologise my husband just says I’m false
You have a point. We don’t apologize to our children when they show negative behaviors. I don’t praise my dog when she gets into the trash. But I do see the benefit of trying to find out what the cause of the bad behavior is.
Wait, wait, wait. So if your husband is being a jerk, you’re supposed to apologize to him???? I fail to see the logic. My husband can be at turns evil and sugary sweet, I never know who I’m going to get each day, it all depends on his mood. But if I stand up for myself when he puts me down, I refuse to apologize because I might not have understood “where he was coming from”. What the actual eff?
I try apologizing to my husband, but most of the time he doesn’t say any variant of “I forgive you” or move on with peace, he just agrees that I was wrong and explains why, just piling hurt on top of hurt.
Very pro-men. Much in all of this glosses over the deep convictions that men hold that theirs is the right to a good life. When can we begin to discuss the war on women?
Hi Laura
i’m hanging by a thread, i want my marriage to work but my husband no longer wants to work it out. I apologize but he is not having it. I’m pregnant with our second child, and i’m going through so much stress and depression. I’m desperate laura i dont know what to do anymore. I want us to work so bad. I don’t want to give up on this family i no we can make it. but how can i have him see that. i’m desperate.
Hi, found this post, like most of the others, really interesting. Here’s a que though…. does the husband ever apologise to the wife- for disrespecting her or ignoring her boundaries? Or does the wife just have to keep quiet and pretend her husband is amazing and swallow the times she’s being disrespected?
Annie, What you’re describing sounds so painful! Surrendering is not about just “sucking it up” and putting up with bad behavior indefinitely. My experience is that when I cleaned up my side of the street it brought out the best in my husband too–the man I fell in love with returned. All I could control was myself, but when I did, he responded to me so much better.
I am like Lynna, I will apologize and get berated as to why I did whatever it was that made him mad, or why was I being disrespectful to him in the first place? It’s like he wants to continue the argument or “win” the argument instead of trying to work it out. Frustrating, tiring, and seemingly hopeless.
Laura,
I love this! It sure was empowering to me to realize that I had hurt my husband for a long time in our marriage, and that was why he had shut me out of his heart for so long.
Thank you for sharing these important and marriage-saving insights!
I understand what you are talking about Laura, but my husband has a hard time forgiving me when I apologize. He seems rather wanting to use my faults against me to continue in his own ways, doing what he pleases, keeping secrets from me etc. How to deal with that? I seems to want to fight back and give up on him.
I would love to know what book is the best starting book to start with please – I am in 911 crisis right now – Thank you Gina ( ps: 27 years married and tired – just tired)
Gina, Sorry to hear about the crisis–sounds stressful! I think you’ll find great hope and comfort in The Empowered Wife, which lays out the 6 Intimacy Skills step-by-step. I was tired too, but this may be the breakdown before the breakthrough to something amazing! That’s what I see a lot.
I find it hard not to be angry. He is hardly home so I am not sure what to work on. He gets home just in time to say hi eat and then go sleep. When I try conversing its a verbal tit for tat. I feel like I am talking to teenager. I cant understand how a man with soooooo many female friends, who has been in so many relationships, who is still friends with his exes cant have a simple conversation about us. I feel like I am wasting my time. I really dont want to invest any more time. If he was home I could say at least he is here. Weather I am nice or not I feel the same so most times I really dont talk. If I message him and call him honey his respose is something like ok mam or miss. Yet when he talks to his females friends he has no problem calling them babe etc. I feel like his sister and I dont want to be anymore
Hi my husband of Two years has been really mean for a year now. When I want to go to my family that live down the street he says no and if he says yes he give me a time limit that I have to leave n come home. He always says I disgust him that’s why he didn’t sleep with me. And that I’m worst person he ever met and always kicks me out the house when I confront him. He always comments on how much I eat and I’m not an over eater i weigh 125 lbs. he calls me names like ugly and says I come from a family of trash. He even blames my sons illness on me. He has a rare disease and every time he gets sick he makes me feel bad saying I did this to him. Also he curses and embrasses me in front of his family.
Why do women give so many excuses to not be who they are just to keep a relationship with a man that doesn’t put as much effort as you do. Smarten up; not everything is the woman’s job to fix. You should be ashamed Laura Doyle for thinking that every relationship can be fixed by your marketed training and that every relationship is the woman’s job or the woman’s fault to fix. This just supports this 16th century theory that we have to always abide by Men’s rules. And cheating, lying and making you feel less of who you are is women is never acceptable in any situation!
I agree, women do most everything in a home, and then have to try and make the marriage work, it’s doesn’t work if both don’t give equal effort. I am going to divorce my husband, he’s mean, he lies all the time ,he had affairs, and has never once apologized to me for anything he has done to me, it will be a cold fay in hell before i ever apologize to him for What? Being for to him for 28 years, being a good wife, good mother, takes care of hos every need, sorry I didn’t do anything wrong and will never apologize.
Ive been married 3 years and I seriously feel like we’re heading towards divorce it’s only a matter of time. I feel like my husband hates me too. He doesn’t say mean things but he ignores me. He doesn’t talk to me unless he has too, he never smiles at me, laughs at my jokes, gives compliments or tells me he loves me and we don’t spend any time together. There’s no sex, no intimacy of any kind, it’s a lonely place to be. I’ve been fighting for our marriage since the baby was born a year ago and it’s not going anywhere so I’ve given up on telling him I love him and trying to be affectionate just to take his rejection. Sometimes I think about cheating, or just packing my bags one day and being gone when he comes back from work so he can finally be happy and free of me. I want to leave him yesterday but For some reason I’m still here.
Sunshine, that sounds so lonely and heartbreaking. I hear your commitment to your marriage, which I really admire.
I remember how lonely it felt when I lost the intimacy with my husband and we seemed like strangers in the same house. Learning the 6 Intimacy Skills attracted him back to me, so now I feel desired, cherished and adored.
If I can do it, you can too. I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
Hi Laura! My husband and I are heading down a slippery slope of annoyance and disrespect. Everything I do seems to set him off and he’s now displaying anger and disrespect in front of Our children. What book should I start with? What tool discusses the 6 Step of Intimacy?
Sarah, that sounds painful for disrespect to be affecting the entire family. I admire your awareness and your willingness to try a new approach.
I remember when I felt like a big walking annoyance to my husband. With the 6 Intimacy Skills, the chronic anger turned into a culture of respect in our home.
I’ll show you how to restore the respect and love in your home in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
Hi Laura, please help! After a big fight my husband said I’m a bad person. He is convinced if we ever separated I wouldn’t let him see our 2 young kids – which is seriously untrue!. He also thinks my family and friends are awful people too. Not to mention he is convinced I have a thing for his BIL (???!). He admits I’m great Mum but terrible wife.
He has struggled to adjust to my attention being divided since we had kids and not being the center of my universe. I know he feels neglected and unloved but I seriously don’t have enough hours in the day. He goes to bed really early and leaves for work before I get up on week days. We have no family nearby, but even on the odd occasion we have had a babysitter he isn’t interested in doing anything together and we always come home early.
He begrudges me for our incredibly tight budget. I had to enforce a strick budget recently which I know isn’t great for the relationship but leaving it to him was leading us to financial ruin – he blamed me for us always being broke, but since we made some changes it is obvious he was seriously over spending.
I feel short of being the model 1950’s housewife there isn’t much else I can do. When I say I can’t do his book work for example, he is convinced I’m selfish and unwilling to help. He hates being told what to do, so I very reluctantly ever ask him for help. I find I can’t express my desires in a way that inspires him to help.
Things feel like a huge mess at the moment. Any guidance would be appreciated!
Ouch! Kate, I’m sorry to hear your husband has said such terrible things about you while fighting and especially when you showed vulnerability by expressing your limitations. That is hurtful. It sounds exhausting to have to worry about tending to his needs on top of everything already on you plate as a mother. I admire your commitment to practicing the Intimacy Skills even when you’re not yet getting the results you want. That’s a tough place to be.
Being a 1950s housewife didn’t work for me either. I got more and more resentful until I learned how to put my happiness first. As I persevered with the Intimacy Skills, even those that were tricky at first, the old dance changed, and I got the playful, passionate marriage I’d always wanted.
I hear that things are a mess right now and I’d love to give you more support. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see how working with a coach would fit for you. The call alone will bring you clarity.
What if you have to apologize for being yourself? What if that person accuses you of wrong things and you prove them wrong with physical evidence and THEY still not regret or apologize for causing you so much pain? Should I keep being level headed and taking this? What if you give respect but never receive it?
Li, it sounds painful for your partner to be so accusatory, refusing to apologize. It’s heartbreaking to have to apologize for being yourself. I really admire you for being so committed to being respectful.
I remember being fed up with my husband’s refusal to own up to being at fault when he was blaming me. It was so frustrating, especially because I was doing everything I could to be such a good wife. I had no idea all the forms disrespect could take. The 6 Intimacy Skills opened my eyes to how I could change the culture in my marriage and stop having to take disrespectful treatment. Now my husband apologizes to me when he’s disrespectful.
I want you to have the respect and love you deserve too. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at lauradoyle.org/swewtraining
Hey Laura, I stumbled across your books and blog about two months ago, when I thought all hope was lost. I have been working and working on the 6 skills SO much, and admittedly it’s very hard. There have been a couple of magic moments when I know we could be on the right track, but lately something specific has been going on and I’m hoping you (or a fellow reader) can shed some light on it- I’m having a very hard time with watching my “tone”. Many times my fiance asks me a question and then instantly gets very mad at me because my tone was disrespectful in his opinion (usually when I’m worried about something or tired from my day). I’ve started apologizing instantly and trying VERY hard to change my tone while doing so. The problem is, when I apologize he then starts to berate me MORE! I don’t say much during the apologies- I acknowledge that I was rude, and say I’m sorry because he didn’t deserve it- and I mean it!! The other night after my apology he went on and on about how I’m such a b-word and a c-word, telling me that I’m terrible and spoilt, and then when I started crying (but still not saying anything) he started mocking me about how I cry over every little thing. It got to the point where I slowly stood up and walked out of the room and went to the bedroom and cried myself to sleep. Does this phase ever end?? It makes it so hard to want to keep going when the slightest human mistake on my end sends him over the edge. I’m a ball of depression and stress from walking on eggshells and being reminded continually of what a terrible person he thinks I am. It’s so demoralizing. Every time I build myself up to feeling confident and happy I slip up, and he takes that opportunity to really drive home all the reasons he thinks that I’m horrible. It’s to the point where I want to simply avoid him so I don’t make any more mistakes, but I work from home so it’s difficult. Any advice would be appreciated! I’m exhausted from keeping this up. The more “surrendered” I get the less patience he has for me. I don’t know if I can keep it up.
I’m sorry to hear that your fiancé is throwing so much hurtful bait at you when you are truly Trying So Hard to change. Ouch! I can see why you’re feeling exhausted and demoralized. I have a hard time practicing the other Intimacy Skills when I’m depleted. I also needed to support to learn which Intimacy Skills to apply in each situation. Once I got that support, all the bait my husband was throwing at me gave way for a playful, passionate marriage. If I can do it, you can too! I would love to give you more support to help you transform your marriage and receive the respect you deserve. I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi i have been with my husband for 12 years and our marriage has been rough. Right now our marriage is where he ignores me, does not talk to me, no kisses, no sex and basically nothing. When I go to hug him or kiss him he does not put his hand around me. When I talk to him he gets so irritated. I dont know even how to talk to him without getting him angry or irritated. It could be an easy conversation like where should we take the kids this weekend and his answer would be I dont care leave me alone. He never texts me back when Im just asking him what he wants for dinner. I think my husband hates me and Im not sure what I did so wrong because I never try to argue with him or speak to him in anyway that may anger him. I always make sure theres food, bills are paid on time, house is clean etc. I think he really hates me.
Sara, thank you for your amazing vulnerability. That sounds so painful. My heart goes out to you because I remember how lonely and hurt I felt when my husband couldn’t stand me anymore. I thought I was doing all the right things to be a good wife, but it wasn’t until I learned the 6 Intimacy Skills that things turned around to give me the playful, passionate marriage I have today. I want that for you! After seeing the Intimacy Skills work for thousands of women, I know you too can get his attention and affection back. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Laura, I got married 18 months ago. My husband is a wonderful man. He lost his mum (who he was close to) at 13 and since then he has largely been away from home (which includes his wonderful dad and two sisters, all of whom he is not particularly close to). We got married late (him at 35, me at 32) – first marriages for both of us which meant we had been living independent lives for a long time before marriage happened. I knew him to be a shy person (and yet very social – he has a huge circle of friends), but marriage was a bit of an eye- opener. Let’s just say that two hitherto independent and somewhat obstinate people living under the same roof (add to it my husband’s general shyness towards initiating anything physical) ended up causing much heartache to me. Physical touch (not always sexual) is important to me and I had shared this with him before our marriage but his shyness came in the way of him expressing himself the way I suspect I was hoping him to. Long story short, a number of repetitive and angry fights later, we are down to barely acknowledging each other. It has been 13 months now since my husband even touched me. Conversation has dwindled to nothing, he travels on work all the time and we barely ever see each other. He says he cares enough to come home and share a roof with me (on the rare days that he is in town) but there is nothing else to suggest we are a married couple. I recognise, in all of this, instances of disrespect that i am entirely responsible for, but there have also been other factors. He no longer looks or smiles at me. Is there any hope left in this marriage? What does he want? I have apologised, I have begged and pleaded and have also asked to sit down and discuss our issues but he has not responded to any of my requests.
Maia, I can see why your heart is aching. It sounds painful to feel so disconnected so early in your marriage. I really admire your vulnerability, awareness and commitment to your marriage. My husband wouldn’t respond when I wanted to have THE TALK about the miserable state of our marriage, and I did not have your awareness about how disrespectful I was being. Thank goodness I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which gave me the communication and affection I’d always wanted and made my marriage playful and passionate. There is hope for turning things around in your marriage too! I would love to empower you with the tools to feel cherished, desired and adored. I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Laura, thanks so much for your tireless work to share what you learned in your marriage. I’ve read your book and many of your posts and listened to many podcast appearances. I realized that I have been controlling and disrespectful of my boyfriend of four years. He has said that he feels heavily burdened in the relationship, which builds until he becomes so resentful that he ends the relationship (he’s done this numerous times over the 4 years). The problem is that he doesn’t tell me when my requests or responses make him feel this burden. We very rarely fight and only tend to discuss problems when he’s reached his limit and wants to break up. He has recently said that he wants to end our relationship, and in our few months apart, he has found happiness in the freedom from walking on eggshells. As I’ve worked to correct my behavior, I’ve frequently employed (and even enjoyed) happiness, appreciation, and respect (stop giving advise). I feel more feminine and more like the real me, which makes me feel even happier. How do you mend a relationship with the intimacy skills when the man isn’t present and is set on ending the relationship?
I also tried apologizing for being disrespectful and controlling and asking for his forgiveness and patience while I work on being a better girlfriend and partner to him.
You’re welcome, CBT! That sounds frustrating and heartbreaking to experience unexpected breakups repeatedly. I acknowledge you for being so accountable and committed to changing your behavior to create more intimacy. I love hearing that you’re feeling happy, feminine and authentic, and experiencing mutual gratitude and respect! I address how to mend your relationship when he’s not on board in my free webinar that’s coming up. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Laura, what a great webinar! Your message is consistent and your values are strong. I appreciate the reinforcement.
I relate to what you said about control, that there’s always an underlying fear. My requests in the past have not been clean, and they mostly come out as emotionally charged complaints, which I did in an effort to try to communicate my feelings more, hoping he would give me what I needed. I didn’t realize that was controlling. To him it was criticizing him and telling him that he can’t make me happy. I’ve tried to control the relationship (e.g. I want to see you. Can you come here?) especially when he pulls away because I’m afraid he’ll let the relationship go or not move it forward. And he did end the relationship, as I said above. Attempts to talk him out of it seem to come across as me telling him he’s wrong (again, disrespectful and controlling). You said not to express my desire for attention and affection (“I would love to see you.” or “I would love for us to be together.”). I understand smiling, being fun, and being happy by doing things that bring me joy rather than focusing on trying to get what I want (our relationship back together and stable). I just don’t understand how I show him if I’m not physically near him.
Thank you! I’m so glad you enjoyed the webinar and that it helped. I admire your awareness and eagerness to learn more. Many of our clients started practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills after a separation. One was in the midst of divorce proceedings, so the only time she could practice the Skills with her husband was at the attorney’s office. She saved her marriage. Another had a husband who did finalize their divorce. She saved their relationship and no one knew she was now living with her boyfriend! I see the same story all the time around here, and I know that it can happen for you too. I think your question deserves a longer discussion than my brief reply here. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see what could happen for you with more support. You’ll get a lot of clarity from the call alone. You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.
Hello, I absolutely find that when I make a mistake, it’s so helpful to apologize right away when I’ve realized I’ve been disrespectful. I NEVER did this in the past, and it really cost me a lot of intimacy I could have shared with my man. But lately, when I immediately apologize (especially when I mention I’m sorry for being disrespectful) I see what a difference it makes in his demeanor. It’s like magic.
However, I’m unsure about whether I should take time to apologize for past hurts. I mean, sometimes my mind wanders, and I can remember things I said to my husband years ago that just make me cringe now. I could make a list of past disrespectful things I’ve said to him. I would LOVE to tell him that I realize now how wrong I was and say sorry for all of those things from the past. (It’s not like he brings them up or anything. It’s just that I remember them and fear that he’s silently holding those instances against me. I don’t know.)
But, would bringing up past hurts do more harm than good? Should I just prove to him through my behavior NOW that I’ve changed rather than apologize for past disrespectful talk? I’m just not sure what’s best.
Yay, Ally, I’m delighted that using this magical phrase right away has restored the intimacy for you so quickly! I hear you’re cringing to remember past hurts and that they may still be blocking intimacy. I love that you want to apologize for being disrespectful in past hurts. I remember that sinking feeling about all I’d done when I started cleaning my side of the street. For me, practicing all 6 of the Intimacy Skills in conjunction with apologizing was key to restoring intimacy. I’d love to see you get even more tools so you can be cherished, desired and adored. I have a free webinar coming up that I know you’ll love: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Oh boy did I need this! Last night, my husband gave my daughter (who is home from college for the summer) instructions about sleeping arrangements and the arrangements made her uncomfortable (she would be displacing her younger sister in order to sleep in the bed that was hers before leaving for school). I supported my daughter in her want to sleep on the couch instead, choosing not to make her uncomfortable. When we woke up in the morning and my husband (who is her step-father, by the way) found her on the couch, he was beyond irate; he was a breath away from rage! I didn’t see what the big deal was, if she wanted to sleep on the couch, so what? I wasn’t going to force her to be uncomfortable, especially since I always felt this was my “upper hand” on her dad – I let her be herself more than he ever has, and therefore she’s always felt more comfortable at our home than his. Well, I tried to explain this to my husband, and even led with “I’m sure she wasn’t trying to disrespect you….” while sticking up for myself. Boy howdy, did he let me know how I had been the one that was disrespectful by supporting her in not following instructions. He went on to explain that he didn’t want her sleeping there because HE feels uncomfortable in the morning when he gets up because he feels the need to tip toe around and not wake her, etc. I immediately accepted responsibility for making the situation a hundred times worse by my actions and attitudes. It was not easy though, just as you said! Part of me would’ve much rather fought back, got defensive, and taken the “I can’t believe you are so angry over such a silly thing as her sleeping on the couch!” After reading your article, I can easily see where I do this to my husband all the time, yet I’m always blaming him for irrationally blowing things out of proportion. Thank you for explaining this in a way that will allow me to make changes in my behavior and hopefully avoid the mutual feelings of hurt.
You’re welcome, Michelle. It sounds frustrating to have such conflict over your daughter sleeping on the sofa! I love how you ended up cleaning up your side of the street. I am inspired by your accountability and willingness to change! I get that it wasn’t easy, and you did it anyway! I hear your desire to continue to make such changes, so I want to invite you to a free webinar I have coming up. Not only will it give you tools to avoid hurting each other, it will empower you to feel cherished, desired and adored (no matter where your daughter sleeps)! You can register for “How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life” here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
My husband and I have had a rough go for a few years now. He’s become more angry, and often hurts me with words(name calling, swearing).
He had an emotionally abusive hildgood. He’s spent our whole marriage making many financial mistakes trying to find happiness. 2 years ago he switched jobs because everyone at work was just making him angry apparently. It’s worse at his current job.
Now he wants to move, out of town. I was born here, in this small rural community that we live in. And unless he wants to take a pay cut or work below his skill level, there is no other job for him. The kids are very angry, and I don’t want to move either. I’m scared he’s just chasing happiness again. We’d move closer to one of his brothers(tense relationship). And to a small city with more to offer(which has him excited). Moving has never ever been in my dreams. I’m an introvert, and hate change.
I’ve discovered your books. Do I really just say “whatever you think” and let him move us?? I’m really struggling with this.
Ruth, I’m sorry to hear things have gotten so hard lately and that you’re being hurt by such disrespect. I relate since my house used to be full of rageful words. Since I started surrendering, peace has been restored. I know I already addressed your question about moving. (And now I can see why you don’t trust him, given those past financial decisions.) The complimentary webinar I invited you to talks about how to restore respect in your home as well. I can’t wait for you to get this support so you can start feeling cherished, desired and adored!
My husband said he fell out of love with me a couple of years before I caught him in an affair. But, he won’t tell me how or why or what I did. I retired from a 26 year long career to take care of his mom who has Alzheimer’s dementia. Then after some behavioral changes I caught him in an affair. I was/am devistated and am having a hard time moving, moving in any direction. I’m
Stuck in the same home until we get finances taken care of and the house sold. I since found he has many sexual issues that I was unaware of. My life is in total chaos as my life and future was totally invested in this man.
I am a 63 year old woman, how do I move on. He acts like he is totally okay with how we are right now, living under the same roof, in separate rooms and otherwise like life is about but not quite the same.
Sorry that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I digress.
Bettie, that is heartbreaking to find out that he had a affair after you gave up your career to become his mother’s caretaker. I can see why you feel devastated and stuck. I remember feeling stuck when I thought that leaving was my only option but I didn’t want a divorce either. When I discovered the 6 Intimacy Skills, things turned around. Despite the damage that had been done, I was able to make my marriage playful and passionate again. I want to see you feel cherished, desired and adored too. Whether you want to save your marriage or truly want to move on, I know that’s possible for you! I have a complimentary webinar coming up where I talk about what to do when there’s an affair and he says he no longer loves you. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I had a mean husband incident this week.. I arrived home and finished a phone conversation while in the driveway… I didn’t think about much else but what we were talking about.
I went in the house and the first thing my husband said was”I hate you”. .. so as I’m standing there in shock he goes on about how inconsiderate I am, how I don’t give any thought to what I’m doing while sitting in the driveway while the dogs go completely crazy in the house.
Well, we haven’t been very close recently and I was feeling ignored by him daily already so I launched into a very very mean comeback about all the inconsiderate stuff he does and I was much meaner… It was 4 days ago and nothing has been said since about it. I know I will not get an apology
Leigh, that is a shock to be welcomed home to such hurtful words! I love your honesty and accountability and that you’re coming here for support. I was a very mean, raging wife myself once upon a time. I remember the cold wars. I felt ignored, and no apologies were coming my way either. Then something changed: I started practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills. Now, if either of us says something hurtful, intimacy is restored quickly and effortlessly. Leigh, I would love to see you get the tools to avoid the arguing and to feel cherished, desired and adored again. I want to invite you to my free webinar coming up: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura. I am in such a dire situation. My husband and myself are nearly considering divorce. It seems like I have apologized for the things I’ve done but He seems to take offense to almost everything I do. It goes much deeper than this but I don’t have enough time or space to relay it all. I do however enjoy your post and articles. It helps me to know that many other women are going through the same things that I am.
Thank You
Tasha, this must be so hurtful. I admire how you’ve been cleaning up your side of the street and how you have the courage to reach out for support. My husband used to take offense easily, even when I was trying. After practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills consistently, even when I slip up the intimacy is restored quickly and easily now. I want you to experience that kind of grace too. You are not alone. I’m glad you’ve found encouragement in my blog and would love to see you get more support to save your marriage. I invite you to a free webinar I have coming up: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I lost my husband of 37 years in 2012. 2013 I met a man who had lost his wife of 37 years also in 2012. We connected instantly. Here is the kicker. I am a Canadian and he is American. I lived in Alberta Canada and he lived in Pennsylvania. 2700 miles between us. All my family is still in Alberta. I married and moved with him to PA. I feel such guilt about leaving my family. I my life has turned into feeling guilty about every thing. I have now hurt my husband and my marriage by being so negative about every thing. I am punishing myself for being happy here. I feel guilty for being here. What we do I am so upset. I live my husband very much but can’t get past this. I am ready to call it quits so I don’t hurt him any more. But that will hurt him very much. I have become a grandmother to his grandkids. I love his family. But miss mine so much. I don’t know how to do this anymore. Please help.
Sherry, that sounds so upsetting. I hear your how much you miss your family and how that guilt is hurting your marriage. I admire you for reaching out for help before making this decision. I get how maddening it can be to have conflicting desires. And I know how corrosive guilt can be because it kept me from doing the very things that make me happy. The 6 Intimacy Skills gave me the tools to honor my desires and rekindle my happiness–along with my marriage. I would love to see your desires honored and the hurt lifted. So I invite you to a free webinar I have coming up: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura!
My husband and I are currently separated and he has moved out of our home that we share with our 13 year old daughter. I have apologized to him for the past mistakes and hurts I have caused him. He does not want to forgive me and is currently filing for divorce. I don’t know what else I can do. I have changed my behavior and have become a submissive wife and he seemed to be receptive to me. Then he decided that he no longer wanted to be married to me because he said that I stole his life from him? I have seeked counsel from my pastor and have given it to God. I don’t know how to save my marriage anymore but I am in God’s word everyday and letting go now and letting God handle him.
Terri, it sounds like you’re ready to surrender completely. I admire you for that and for having the courage to reach out for support. I’m sorry to hear he left. That must have been a shock when you were working on changing your behavior. I know it wasn’t easy for me to change my behavior. I thought I was being respectful, for example, but I needed support to see my blind spots. Once I got that support, it empowered me to practice the 6 Intimacy Skills fully. Whereas being submissive to my husband did not feel empowering to me, practicing the Intimacy Skills did–and made my marriage playful and passionate. I’d love to see you get some support to save your marriage. I know that’s possible for you! I have a free webinar to help you get there. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
We have been struggling in our marriage for years, he says a lot of hurtful things & ive pretty much checked out from the emotional pain. Now I’ve been reading the empowered books, and I have a question.
My husband hates his job and wants to move. We live in a small rural community, and moving is the only option for a new job. I was born here. We have 5 kids(ages 3-15) and none of us are happy about moving, the kids are very angry.
Now my husband had a hard childhood and he’s made numerous financial mistakes in our marriage trying to find a way to happiness. I’m worried this is another mistake.
Do I really just say “whatever you think” even though I don’t trust him?
Ruth, that sounds painful to have checked out of your marriage after so much hurt. Wow, I commend you for being open to saying “whatever you think” when it comes to moving, in spite of not trusting him. I totally remember feeling I couldn’t trust my husband. With the 6 Intimacy Skills, I now feel so safe because I know he has my back. I hear that you want to show respect–and that you also want to stay put, right? I’d love to see you get some other Intimacy Skills to use along with restoring respect so that your husband is inspired to please YOU. I go over how to do that in my free webinar coming up. You can register for it here: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life.
Hi Laura!
I was very pressured and fearful of being late getting my kids out the door to school. I thought I left my car keys in the bathroom and I ran to try to get them. The door was locked. I banged on the door and yelled “I need my keys!” And then I yelled “EXCUSE ME!!” Then my husband opened the bathroom door while saying something about how not to speak to him like that and how I shouldn’t say “excuse me!”
I ran into the bathroom and asked while I searched for my keys- ” I shouldn’t say “excuse me”?
Then I rushed out of the house to drive the kids to school.
Should I apologize?
I don’t think I did anything wrong.
Hi Molly, the fact that you’re even asking this question tells me how accountable and committed you are to the intimacy in your marriage. I love that! This is a great question. I used to have no idea what real respect looked like and probably wouldn’t even have considered apologizing when I thought I’d done nothing wrong. So you’re way ahead of where I was! I needed help seeing my blind spots and some tools to correct my vision. Now the 6 Intimacy Skills restore intimacy right away when a hiccup like that happens. I’d love to see you get some more tools to help you not just in this scenario but in knowing how to get back the intimacy when such issues come up in the future. My upcoming free webinar will give you clarity. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I disrespected my husband over his facebook activity. I saw that he was looking up women that he works with. Deleting his chat conversations. I felt it was disrespectful to me as he was caught lying about meeting up with a woman in the past. I chose to forgive him for that, but I can’t seem to forget. I guess we just need to talk and set some boundaries for Facebook.
Julie, I love your honesty and accountability and really admire that you’ve been able to forgive your husband for that. I can see why it’s been hard to trust him though. I know there were certain aspects of my husband’s behavior that I just couldn’t accept. And the more I fought them, the more they grew. Practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills made those old sore spots fall away. Now we have mutual trust and he wants to please me too much to jeopardize that.
I want the same for you! I’d love to see you get back the kind of intimacy you used to have. I have a free webinar coming up that will help: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist. (Also, I can see why you want boundaries in place around his Facebook activity. Check out my blog on Healthy Boundaries in Relationships: http://lauradoyle.org/blog/healthy-boundaries-in-relationships/.)
While on vacation, at a resteraunt, after the meal, and while we were all sitting and chatting, waiting for the tab – I asked one of my children if they’d like to try my raspberry lemonade (there was a half of a glass leftover). They liked it, and then another one of my children asked if they could try it, too. So, I got my husband’s glass, which had about a half glass worth leftover in it, and gave it for them to try. Boy, did I mess up!! My husband gave me a look of annoyance that really hurt, and said “Did you just take MY glass and give MY drink away?!?” I felt so bad. I hadn’t even thought to ask first.d said that I thought that he was finished. He said , no, that he wasn’t finished. I again apologized. He still seemed annoyed. I asked him if he would like for me to get him another glass of raspberry lemonade, and he just muttered “Nah, that’s okay…don’t worry about it.” But, he totally looked at me like he still couldn’t believe I did that.
So, I again apologized when we got back to the hotel room, when I got a chance, and let him know this time that I realized that I had disrespected him giving his leftover drink to one of our children by not asking him first, and thus showing disregard for him as my husband, and not being more thoughtful and respectful of him and his boundaries and space, belongings. I promised that I would never make that mistake again.
He immediately showed compassion, and softened towards me. He told me, It was okay, and he was sorry for making it into a big deal.
It felt good to apologize and have his forgiveness, and feel his love and warmth towards me again. Before, I apologized specifically about how I had disrespected him, he was cold, and distant. He acted like “this is just typical-she must not think much of me.”
I wanted him to know that I do highly regard him, and I will prove it by always making sure I respect him in every way possible. He was very happy after that, and no longer grumpy.
Dana, I’m amazed at your commitment to restoring respect! It’s awesome to hear that after multiple apologies, it was apologizing for being disrespectful that restored the intimacy with your husband. Well done! If you want to learn more about the power of respect in your marriage, I have a free webinar coming up called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I am happy to apologise when I’ve done something wrong but what about my husband apologising when he’s done something out of line & upset me ? I was in hospital recently for a mastectomy & he doesn’t like hospitals. But still I was upset when I made a couple of very small requests & he rolled his eyes & complained that he was running around after me (the items concerned were earphones for the TV & a couple of soya yoghurts from home which is a 5 minute drive away). After bringing them he was grumpy & snappy. Yet when his mother was in hospital he drove 2 hours each way, sat with her for ages & took her flavoured water & fruit. I know he was stressed but an apology would make me feel so much better. But he never apologises for anything.
Ouch! Jackie, that sounds so hurtful not to have your husband’s loving support when you most needed him at your side. And I get how hurtful it is when he’ll gladly do things for his mother that he begrudges you. I admire you for reaching out for support, and I love your willingness to clean up your side of the street. I remember when my husband responded to my requests with an attitude, like I was a chore. Once I learned the 6 Intimacy Skills, the culture of my marriage changed. Now he is generous with apologies and doing whatever he can to please me. I really want that for you, Jackie. I want you to feel cherished, desired and adored (and apologized to)! I needed support to make that happen. So I want to offer you my upcoming webinar, How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I imagine the children felt bad that Dad got mad about not wanting to share HIS drink with HIS own child without being asked, when the meal was over. I can’t get on board with rewarding that behavior or walking on egg shells around a partner. Or asking for forgiveness and calling it disrespectful because a Mom wanted each child to try the drink while waiting for the check. Sounds exhausting.
That brought tears to my eyes. I love the specific apology. I will be practicing that with my husband.
I am totally agree with you Laura.
When i apologize inmediatedly my husband changes.now as you know we face difficulties because he is not contact me.But i am using this time to empowered myself to be better wife.
I bought your book empowered wives and i am learning a lot.i hope soon i can apply all of my learning to my marriage because it will be good. And one of the best things isapologize.
I am learning to stop being a nagging wife with my hope that soon we can be together again.
I did many mistakes on marriage but Thanks to you i know now how to change .i hope to have a chance for saving my marriage. I am totally convinced to be a surrendered wife is the best.i hope no being late for applying…..
Thanks Laura for all your helping.mercedes
Mercedes, you’re welcome! I hear that you’ve made mistakes but still have hope for saving your marriage. I admire that. In my experience, it is never too late to begin practicing the Intimacy Skills! It sounds like you’re already doing a great job apologizing for being disrespectful. I’m excited for you to see all the changes that are in store as you continue to learn! To jumpstart your learning, I have a free webinar coming up that I know you’ll benefit from. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
You make total sense, but my husband is a pathological liar…I
Have dealt with this along with other serious issues…
What is your thoughts?
..
Ok makes sense, however when I apologize it becomes apoint of contention. He says he doesn’t believe me or it doesn’t connect. Then he is mad that I apologized, and we fight about that. That’s pretty much all we do for 16 years fight. He yells, screams, slams doors, tells me to marry someone else, shouts over me, and shames me for asking him to listen. So as long as everything is about him and he gets to tell me how bad I treat him all the time it’s mostly OK. If I express feelings he screams in my face. Not sure what to do here.
Kitty, this cycle sounds so painful and exhausting. Especially with your beautiful accountability, you shouldn’t have to deal with such a response–even more fighting when you’re just trying to apologize. That’s so disheartening.
I remember being stuck in a cycle that felt hopeless and not knowing what to do because everything I had tried failed. That’s why my coaches and I have helped thousands of women fix their relationships, even when things seemed hopeless.
I would love to see you be the next to get your miracle so you feel heard and cherished. You can join the waitlist to get coaching support and become a Ridiculously Happy Wife right here:
https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/
My husband says that apologies don’t fix or help after saying hurtful things during fights/arguments…suggestions? He wants a divorce after 23 years together and I am holding on by a thread and do not want a divorce…
Michele, that is heartbreaking that your husband wants a divorce after 23 years together and that he has not received your apologies. I love your commitment to saving your marriage.
You are not alone. Many women discovery the 6 Intimacy Skills after their husband says he’s leaving. They learn how to attract him back and make the marriage more playful and passionate than ever. One woman was able to practice the Intimacy Skills with her husband only at the divorce lawyer’s office. She saved her marriage.
If they can do it, you can too. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I am in the same boat 23 yrs marriage, husband adamant separation. He’s has always been an angry man stressful job and stressful home he’s moving on. I don’t want to give up
I want my marriage to work but I know there are some MAJOR things that need to be corrected. My husband is abusive and I don’t know what to do. He constantly tells me I’m disrespectful and dismissive. How can I show him I care or is it too late?