Understanding Men in Relationships
If you’ve ever wondered what motivates your man or why he’s acting the way he is, you’re not alone.
Men can be hard to understand.
They laugh at things that aren’t that funny, enjoy movies that aren’t that interesting, and react to harmless comments like they’re insults.
At least, that’s how it seemed to me for a long time.
You may feel the same way.
So at the Cherished for Life Weekend, we gather five men, put them on stage and anonymously ask them any question we want.
Anything at all.
We ask for seduction tips, how to get him to open up or what made him decide to choose his wife.
And they answer very authentically–and thoroughly.
But the women had so many burning questions that the last Man Panel didn’t get to them all. So for today’s blog, I decided to ask questions submitted at the Cherished for Life Weekend to a Man Panel of one: my husband, John Doyle.
He agreed to pull back the curtain and answer eight anonymous questions candidly.
Warning: Men may not seem less strange after you read this.
Contents
1. My husband seems like he’s struggling to find himself. How can I support him? I so desperately want him to be happy.
Ugh! [Eye roll.] One thing I don’t need is a desperate woman.
I feel like she wants to control me, and my reaction is to say, “I’ve got it handled.”
Don’t worry about it. It may be I’m on the hero’s journey, and all I need from you is to trust that I’m doing the right thing. It would feel like interference if you tried to do anything to help me.
It is interference. Don’t help me.
2. How long can a man stay mad?
Just until you start crying. Hahaha.
A man doesn’t stay mad for long because he wants to handle the situation right there and then.
If you’re saying “Why are you still mad?” it seems like you’re berating me for being mad. Sounds like you disapprove of me being angry.
Well, I am angry. It’s too bad for you if you don’t like it. Especially if you’re the one who pushed my buttons and then you’re upset that I’m angry.
I’ve got to go through the process. Don’t rush me. It’s like letting a pie cool before you slice it. Just go do something else and check back with me later.
3. How do I invite sex and seduce my husband? He is attracted to me but resists and even gets angry when I wear lingerie. He calls it pressure and manipulation.
So I’m sitting there involved in something, then my wife comes in wearing lingerie and puts her hands all over me. But the timing is all wrong, and I feel pressured and uncomfortable. So I tell her, “Not now, honey!”
She says, “Why not?”
And I say, “Because I’m watching TV with my friends!” [Laughs.]
But seriously, I don’t want to feel pressured to perform. You can’t make a flower grow. It has to come from inside and not from outside. Usually when I feel pressured it’s because there’s pressure. It turns a simple thing into a big thing.
A lot of what goes on outside the bedroom contributes to this situation.
If you want to turn me on, start by putting me at ease. Be pleasable. If I felt like I wasn’t pressured to perform, I’d already be having sex with you.
4. How do I encourage my husband to exercise?
Chase him!
5. My husband doesn’t share much with me. How can I get him to talk more without pressure?
You answered your own question. Give him room to talk. No pressure.
Just let him talk as much as he wants to. Maybe he doesn’t feel like talking.
It’s not that you want him to talk–it’s that you want to make him feel like talking. He’s got to want to talk.
What makes me want to talk is when I’m asked a question and I know giving the answer is not going to come back and haunt me later. Or I’m not going to be berated for what I say.
Smile and say “That’s great” instead of saying “How can you say that!?!”
Maybe every little thing he says, make him glad he did. Hug him. Say “You’re so strong!”
6. Do you recommend sex toys?
Ummmmm. To quote John Lennon, “Whatever gets you through the night.” Some people like ’em.
7. Is it possible to restore a marriage’s physical intimacy after being essentially sexless for years?
I bet it is. It could be because he feels pressured, rejected or taken for granted. I’m not going to want to do it if every time I walk in she’s all “Bleh!” and upset and negative. So he’s angry and it’s his way of coping with the situation not to have sex.
I think a lot of it is that other behaviors might change, and then all of a sudden you realize that you want to do it. If he starts to feel respected, it would change.
8. My husband can’t articulate what he wants. How can I know how to treat him?
What your husband wants is what every man wants: to feel useful, to achieve and to make you happy.
Seriously, men are pretty simple. They don’t need a lot of talking. If they feel like they’re helping, they like that.
If you have a project, if there’s something you want done, say “I need a big strong man!” He’ll step up to the plate. If he’s doing something for you, he’ll feel purposeful. That’s what he wants.
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What are the most mystifying aspects of men for you? What questions would you ask the Man Panel?
24 replies on “Understanding Men in Relationships”
My husband loves to wake in the middle of the night and initiate sex. This is something I struggle with, as it robs me of sleep and tbh I don’t really find it very arousing. I prefer sex in the waking hours. If I just ‘go with it’ I feel resentful as I can’t get back to sleep afterwards and I know I’ll be tired the next day. He knows I don’t really like it but continues to do it any way . If I say no or block him I feel guilty that he’s not getting what he wants. What do I do?
Sarah, I can see why you’re struggling! I would feel resentful too. And feeling guilty on top of everything sounds hard. Feeling like you have to go with it does not sound empowering. I remember too well the resentment and guilt. That’s why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women fix their relationships. We can help you too.
Get coaching so you can stop feeling tired, resentful and guilty, and start feeling respected and honored. I invite you to join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here:
https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/
Dear Laura,
I have been trying to follow the 6 intimacy skills and i have an awesome coach, however i still get tripped up on my husband’s female friends. I have tried to be friends with them but they have been passive-aggressive towards me. I also feels like he protects them from me instead of the other way around. He is flirtatious by nature – i don’t think he’s out there chasing other women to sleep with them, but at the same time the behavior and their boundaries make me feel uncomfortable. He is also not a gusher so it’s not like he talks about me all the time. it is really driving me crazy. He is not willing to let them go and i would love to have space to help our relationship grow and strengthen our bond without the influence of these women.
help!
L, I really admire you for being so committed to your marriage and the Intimacy Skills. I love your vision for giving your relationship the space to grow. I would feel crazy too with these women getting in the way of that!
I would love to give you more support on this issue than I can in my brief reply here. I invite you to bring this challenge not only to your private coach but to all the coaches and women in our private online community if that fits for you.
And yet these are all things they do to us regularly. We are expected to have sex any time and if we don’t feel like they sulk and pull the you don’t want me card. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. Why are these articles always about everything the woman does wrong. Maybe men should just grow up and stop being spoiled brats for a change.
Ouch, Maggie, I hear how painful it is to be expected to have sex whenever your husband feels like it, regardless of his behavior.
I totally relate to your frustration. I used to think my husband (and men in general) were juvenile, spoiled brats too. I even used to call my workshop “How to Get Him to Grow Up and Show Up”! I was overwhelmed at having to do everything myself. Rather than placing blame on me as the wife, I’ve found that the 6 Intimacy Skills empowered me to finally be able to do something about it. Now my husband takes initiative and supports me. I feel empowered sexually too, not victim to his whims or moods.
I would love to lend an empathetic ear to hear more about what you’re going through. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see how it would fit for you to receive more support. The call alone will bring you clarity. You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.
Hi,
My husband and me have been separated almost a year due to an ongoing divorce. We had fights because of his mother interfering in our married life. Being a mothers boy and abiding by her words he sent me a divorce notice. He has not spoken to me since and refuses reconciliation. He refuses to move out away from his single mother . We in no contact period for 10months . I thought no contact would make him miss me. How can I get him back?
Dee, I’m sorry to hear about your mother-in-law creating a rift between you and your husband. That sounds devastating. I remember how painful it was to feel shut out of my husband’s decision making and to feel estranged from him, even when we were living under the same roof. The 6 Intimacy Skills attracted him back to me, and our marriage is more playful and passionate than ever. I’ve worked with thousands of women using the Intimacy Skills to reconcile with their husbands back and know that you can too! I would love to support you in renewing contact and getting your husband back. I’ll give you the tools to do that in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I really don’t think most of these are true for most men. These examples make men seem very shallow and self-centered. One of a woman’s biggest needs are communication and one of men’s is sex. Change #5 to the subject of sex and how women feel and you will see what I mean.
I hear you, Diane. I used to think men were shallow and self-centered. Now that I practice and coach other women on the 6 Intimacy Skills, my perspective has changed. I’ve seen thousands of examples of men’s magnanimity, thoughtfulness and eagerness to please others. That includes my own husband, whom I would never describe as shallow or self-centered. So it is certainly not my intention, nor his, to portray other men that way!
Dear Laura,
I’m still learning the 6 skills, so I know my approach might be flawed, but so often I worry about my man and how careless he can sometimes be. We’ve recently moved and are doing renovations, and despite an ongoing back injury, he often insists on carrying large pieces of furniture, or using equipment without proper safety gear etc (and I mean carrying a refrigerator up concrete steps with bare feet, on his own, etc). He’s over-stressed from work, and chews his nails raw (no exaggeration) without even noticing, out of anxiety about his job, finances, and the new house.
I hate nagging – and I realise saying ‘be careful’ a hundred times and telling him what to wear, or not to bite his nails, can be emasculating, and he so often resists or angrily ‘follows orders’. But I honestly want him to be safe, and to look after his body. I adore the man, and I don’t want him in pain.
How can I convince him to look after himself, for his safety, and for my sanity, without being a nag or hurting his ego?
Anna, it is touching how much you care for your man and his safety and well-being. It sounds scary to stand by while he’s abusing his body and suffering from stress. I love your awareness around not wanting to nag. I used to be a first-class nag, thinking I knew best for my husband. Learning the 6 Intimacy Skills has restored my dignity and even inspired my husband to be his best self. There are several Intimacy Skills you can practice in this situation. I’m excited to see how you can inspire your husband to take care of himself and maintain your dignity. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I have been trying to implement the skills for about 6 months. Do you have any tips about how to deal with hurt? Unfortunately sometimes I find myself going through the following process…I practice the skills, doing self-care when he is constantly playing computer games or similar, I wait what seems (to me!) like a long time for him to initiate sex =) I am doing really well, and I’m so proud of myself being able to feel good despite these circumstances and take care of my own needs. But it just goes on and on and then I get to this point where I am just tense and upset. Unfortunately I don’t have any supportive girlfriends yet (I am working on that), just spending time with them is helpful but can’t actually talk about this stuff. Oftentimes this seems to be the time when he will reach out to me in some small way, and by that time I just find it so hard to somehow dissolve the hurt and be fully receptive like I want to be. If he doesn’t, then in some ways its easier as more time passes, I can get into a happy state again.
Jane, I admire your commitment to practicing the Intimacy Skills! It sounds like you’re doing a great job with self-care and showing respect. I hear that it’s hard to deal with the hurt that comes up when your husband is not being attentive. I get how that hurt gets in the way of intimacy. I used to struggle with the same thing when my husband spent most of his time in his man cave. For me, getting the kind of support you’re seeking has been key to empowering me to have a playful, passionate marriage. I love that you’re working on creating that support network. In the meantime, I would love to give you support to be cherished, desired and adored. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see how getting some coaching support would fit for you. You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.
My husband was unfaithful after 38 years of marriage. Do to this, a child was born. My husband didnt tell me if the child, till after three years. Our marriage was already deterarating anyway. But he got involved with some so called freinds, and went to prison. He was convicted and was there for three and a half years. I went to go see him, but during this time I divorced him because I got confirmation from the other women, of his child. I was informed of many things that were stated about me. But when I went to go see him in prison he confirmed his infidelality. He told me that he didn’t want to hurt me. Yeah right. But I have let him back into my life, but I can’t enjoy sex with him knowing about his affair. I just can’t . I have tried counseling and everything else, but I can’t unblock this anger. He keeps on trying but I keep neglecting him. Honestly I have tried to get him out of my life, but he stills comes back. He’s a real great lover in bed, but for me that’s not the important thing in my life. Don’t know what else to do, with this guy.
Rosie, I can see why you’re struggling to let go of the anger over your husband’s infidelity. I would have a hard time with that too! I really admire your commitment to your marriage after all you’ve been through. Anger toward my husband used to get in the way of our intimacy big time. I was a rageaholic. The 6 Intimacy Skills have given me an outlet to deal with that anger so that I can enjoy intimacy with my man in every way. I know you can have a playful, passionate marriage again too. I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I am 40 and pregnant with our third baby in 4 years. I am slow and it is hard to keep the house clean and take care of the kids – blah, blah, blah. My husband picks up the slack and cleans the kitchen often. I make a point to thank him and try to make him feel appreciated. I announce on Instagram and FB the nice things he does for me but he still seems to resent helping me and is critical of me. I don’t feel appreciated for what I do; just criticized. I don’t know what else to do to make him feel appreciated and happy to help me.
Amy, it sounds like you are working so hard! It’s hurtful that you’re feeling criticized rather than appreciated when you’re doing so much. I love that you’re looking for new ways to restore intimacy and that you’re so committed to expressing your gratitude!
My husband used to seem resentful when he helped me too. I wanted him to want to help me. With the 6 Intimacy Skills, the resentment has dissipated for both of us. He is eager to please me and to honor my limitations. I want that for you too! I’ll give you tools to make your husband feel appreciated and eager to help in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
My question would be…
Why do men keep a friend around that always gives them bad advice, that gets them in trouble every time?
L, good question. That sounds scary for him to put such stock in what his friend is saying, even when it keeps getting him into trouble! I used to feel shut out of my husband’s decision making, wishing I had a say when it seemed like he just wanted to do the opposite of what I suggested. Learning the 6 Intimacy Skills has made him really consider my feelings and desires, and he has become trustworthy to make the right decisions and seek the right counsel. It sounds like there’s more to this story, and I’d love to support you. I have a free webinar coming up: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I want to know why my husband calls me a dirty slut when he is turned on.
He treats me with respect ‘and live out of the bedroom.
Romantic sex is not much of a turn on for him.
I’m not really thrilled with this nasty label, but I do want to have sex with him.
Is this how all men really feel? Turned on by calling their female partners dirty degrading names?
Gail, I can see why it’s not working for you to be called names like that during sex. That is hurtful to keep feeling degraded in the bedroom. I admire your commitment to maintaining intimacy with your husband in every way. I’ve come across that issue a lot with the thousands of women I’ve worked with–what turns a man on can be very different from what works for a woman. The 6 Intimacy Skills have transformed not only their marriages but their sexual intimacy too. The Skills empower me to say what I want in the bedroom in a way that my husband can hear it and be eager to please me. I’d love to give you the Skills to stop feeling degraded and start feeling cherished in the bedroom too. I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I feel like I give praise, encouragement, and support but all he wants is sex and if I don’t give it to him he’s disappointed. He doesn’t romance me at all so it doesn’t really make me want to be intimate with him when what I need intimately is not there. What do I do?
Karissa, I hear how difficult it is when your husband only seems to want sex and isn’t giving you what you need. I admire your commitment to positivity in your relationship and your vulnerability. I remember feeling baffled when I thought I was being such a good wife but was not getting the romance or emotional support I needed. Thanks to the 6 Intimacy Skills, my husband actually became a romantic guy–the sweet, thoughtful one I married. I’ve found that the Intimacy Skills are also empowering in the bedroom, including when you’re not in the mood. I would love to give you the tools so you can be lavished with the praise, encouragement and support you deserve! I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist