Embracing Our “Do-Over”

In 2000, I was blessed with a second chance. A “do-over” with my first love, Jay, and the father of our only child, Kelly (born in 1980). We had been apart, with no communication, for almost 20 long years, and in that time, neither of us had married or had other children. Our love story is one that only God could have written, so this time around we wanted to make it official! We got married and became a family for the very first time.

Although we were very committed to making this renewed love work, like every relationship, life started challenging us with bumps in the road and the obstacles that come with marriage and family.

I wish I could say that “love conquers all,” but I had lived through enough to understand that this time around I had to embrace a new way of thinking and being if I wanted this relationship to work. The problem was, I wasn’t sure what that “new way” looked like.

Learning New Skills
As always, just when I needed it, I heard a woman on TV talking to Katie Couric. Her name was Laura Doyle and she had written a book called The Surrendered Wife. I sat up in bed, scribbled down the name of the book, and listened intently as she described her husband and her relationship. I could not believe how it sounded exactly like mine.

Who was this woman? What were these 6 Intimacy Skills? I HAD to know.  I knew that I wanted the intimate, passionate, and peaceful relationship she talked about, but at this point in my life, I was a strong, independent woman. Did I really want to “surrender?”

I purchased the book immediately, and as I read it, I laughed, I cried, I related to every word. Then I realized that surrendering was not at all what I had envisioned … it was really a beautiful gift that I could give to this man that I loved.

Of course, through reading the book, I also realized that I could be controlling and manipulative with my husband to get my way. That part I wasn’t thrilled with, but I was willing to do the work to change it.

I chose to start honoring my husband and his choices, even if I did not always agree with them. I made sure that I acknowledged and appreciated him when he did something for me, no matter how big or small, such as mowing the lawn so that I could spend more time on my flowers. “Thank you” was my new mantra. Above all else, I learned how important respect was to my husband and why doing so is vital to a healthy, happy relationship.

I saw results immediately through his actions and his love, and the better I got at the skills, the better our marriage became. I started to really understand our differences, and embrace my husband in all his “manliness.” As I learned to be vulnerable with my husband and express my desires, I received an unexpected result of surrendering, it made me feel very feminine! Since I spent my life as a self-professed “tomboy”, this was something new for me … and I loved it!  I also loved that our “silliness” was back. We shared private jokes and other little things that made me feel like a schoolgirl when I was around him. I knew pretty quick that this was the “new way” I was looking for.

So 2001 was the beginning of a beautiful kinship with a woman I had never met. Her book, The Surrendered Wife, has been a staple on my nightstand and the well-worn go-to guide that I revisit time and time again for my now intimate, passionate and peaceful marriage.

New Seasons Bring New Challenges
Just when I thought I had surrendering down pat, along came our grandson in 2007. How could such a small bundle of joy throw a monkey wrench in my surrendering work? I quickly learned how life circumstances, whatever they may be, can change things and throw you off course. I had gone into “Grandmom” mode and started taking over again. It wasn’t long before my husband made it very clear that I did not need to teach him how to be a grandfather! He was right. How did I know how to be a grandfather? That was his job to figure out. So back to the basics of surrendering I went, and things got back on track.

Why I Became A Coach
Life has blessed me with a variety of experiences, some good, some not-so-good, but all are part of my journey. I felt that the best way to honor my husband, my marriage and my life was to “pay it forward.” So after 12 years as a “surrendered wife”, I became a Laura Doyle Certified Coach.

Along my own journey of surrendering, I did not have a support group or a coach to lean on. In fact, I never told anyone except our daughter that I was practicing the principles of a surrendered wife. I did not feel other women would understand, since bossy and controlling seemed to be the norm. That left me wide open for a lot of trial and error, which I now use as teaching tools for other women.

What Coaching Has Taught Me
What I have learned through coaching is that all women have an amazing opportunity to have a beautiful marriage. Although it can sometimes be challenging, we do not have to go it alone. When I finally met Laura Doyle and the other like-minded women, I found that they had experienced many of the same obstacles. How grateful I am that I have this tribe of uplifting women who allow me to be 100% authentic and totally flawed. I am finally accepted for being in love with my husband and willing to work on the tough stuff instead of walking away. When you have support from women who have been there, it’s like a beacon in the night.

Choosing to stay committed to Surrendering has made me a better woman, which allowed my husband to be a better man, a wonderful father and unbelievable grandfather, and for that I am forever grateful . . . I love you Jay!