Marissa

Laura Doyle Relationship Coach

Having It All

In my house, I did it all.

If a diaper needed to be changed, I changed it, if a last-minute doctor visit was needed I rearranged my schedule, and if the house was dirty I cleaned it. I was exhausted from handling the majority of the childcare and household responsibilities and resentful towards my husband for his lack of contributions.

I was also suffering from postpartum depression following the birth of my daughter. I’m certain that continuing to do so many things I really didn’t want to be doing contributed to my depression.

This is when I realized my husband was the enemy.

It was ugly. He did very little to help and when he did, he did it wrong. I was so angry about having to do everything to keep up the house and care for our daughter. I was clearly married to a misogynist and knew it was his mother’s fault for babying him and doing everything for him.

Little did I know how much I was playing a part in my own unhappiness. I would rather have pointed the finger at him than look at myself.

I decided to listen to Laura Doyle’s then new book, The Empowered Wife, on audio during a long drive. It was eye-opening. I saw how I played a part in our failing marriage. I also realized I had the power to fix it.

When I saw my husband that evening, without explanation I gave him a big hug as my way of saying “I see so clearly now and I want to do better.”

This began my journey with the 6 Intimacy Skills™.

The Intimacy Skills made sense to me. Now that I had this information, I could no longer bury my head in the sand and continue to blame him for my unhappiness.

At first I found myself in what I call the “painfully aware” stage, seeing and hearing the effects of my disrespectful comments and continuous attempts at controlling him but catching them too late.

I’d criticize him for spending $2.25 on the toll road when it saved only one or two minutes, strike back when my feelings got hurt, or “help” him pay the car registration that I was convinced he’d forgotten about.

Slowly I began implementing the Skills and started feeling a difference in myself. I wouldn’t engage in negativity and instead applied my imaginary duct tape.

I remember him being in a bad mood one morning and instead of responding with my opinion on his negativity, I experimented with keeping my mouth shut. I allowed him to hear his own complaints about the lack of money in our bank account, his rebuttal of any idea I had, and his frustration with our four-year-old daughter being a four year old.

I was shocked when he caught himself and jokingly said, “Boy, I sure am fun to be around, aren’t I?”

I let go of taking on all the household and parenting responsibilities to see what would happen. I experimented with putting resentments towards him on the shelf and instead showed appreciation wherever I could find it. (When I began looking for it, it was all around me.)

I apologized for being disrespectful without a follow up of “but you…” and felt proud of how I was showing up in our marriage.

This journey started with the book, but it wasn’t until I began the coaching program and received support from other women on the same path that real change occurred. It’s like taking a trip and having someone beside you with the map guiding you to your destination.

Then the magic began! My husband started appreciating me more. He would apologize when he felt he had done something wrong. He became the MAN I’d wanted! I surrendered and he stepped up in more ways than I could ever have imagined.

At first it was practical ways (that I was just giddy over), like taking the trash out, washing dishes, and taking care of our daughter. I could just relax and put my feet up.

Then it was handling the finances, helping me with my dream of starting my own business, noticing me and complimenting how I looked, and initiating romantic lovemaking that we hadn’t shared in a long time.

What’s stopping you from having it all?