Coach Vonny

As a child, I remember watching an advert raising awareness for domestic violence. I’ll never forget the large, powerful man, as he held his fists tightly clenched, showing off the letters L-O-V-E which were tattooed across his knuckles. It suggested that in his world, physical abuse was a normal part of relationships.

I watched in pure confusion.

There’s no way to justify that behaviour—of course it’s not love to punch your wife!

Love to me was about being equals. A solid team. Best mates who did life together: chatting, planning, and being on the same page about everything from parenting to politics.

And honestly, when I met my husband, that’s what it felt like. He would happily do anything for me and we were so connected.

But somewhere along the way, things changed. He started withdrawing, and I became stressed and overwhelmed.

I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to sit down and make a five-year plan, spend the weekend building a deck, or talk budgets so we could buy an investment property.  Every time I tried to talk “serious life stuff,” our conversations got tense. I would lean in hard, and he would pull away. It was so lonely and frustrating.

It started feeling less like we were on the same team and more like he was the opposition. At every turn of the game, we were in conflict or he would simply shut down. With four kids in the mix I was exhausted by responsibility and I started to resent his apathy.

On the outside, maybe we looked like we were winning, but on the inside I felt stuck, responsible and stressed. At times it felt so infuriating that I just wanted to throw a bucket of water on him so he would see my point of view.

In fact, I did just that!

One afternoon, after yet another frustrating disagreement, I filled a bucket, walked into the bedroom and tipped it on him while he was lying there—and then I told him to clean it up! Wild, I know.

That mess was nothing compared to the mess inside me. The evidence of our differences was piling up. I had no control over my frustrations and I had no control over him. But I did have a giant mess to sort out—and it was more than just a bucket of water.

The clean-up began when my sister recommended the book The Empowered Wife. As I read, I realised I wasn’t alone. It dawned on me that perhaps my interpretation of love and respect (or lack of!) was contributing to our struggles.

The childhood image of that physically abusive man returned to my mind. I saw a new perspective. While he was living his life thinking the cycle of love and physical abuse was normal, I was living in my marriage in a cycle of disrespect, thinking that was normal!

Different behaviour, same theme: dysfunction disguised as normal.

With every turn of the page came another mirror moment, another internal cringe but ultimately, another inspiring reason to hope I too could transform my marriage. I wanted in on all this respect, reconnection and intimacy Laura was talking about, and this book gave me the hope that I could actually change my marriage.

I booked a whole package of private sessions with a Laura Doyle coach. It was a beautiful time of self-discovery.

Not long in, I recall asking for my husband’s opinion on how we should deal with a plumbing issue at the house. I didn’t fully trust his response but managed to keep my mouth closed and have a little faith. It was much less stressful to share the responsibility, and the situation turned out even better than if I had taken control. I have to admit, something softened in me that day. Seeing him handle it so calmly was unexpectedly attractive.

This was the marriage I wanted!

I am now overwhelmed with gratitude for this journey. It is an absolute pleasure to now expect the best, not the worst. I choose intimacy over control as often as I can, by identifying my fears and choosing faith in others instead, including in my teenage men. It’s been arduous, but so rewarding—and so worth it!

One of the biggest shifts was letting go of control around money. For the self-appointed Chief Financial Officer of the house, this was huge. I had no idea how much energy I had been spending in this department, and letting go has been freeing.

As well as relief from stress, I’m recreating myself and have learnt that it is not my husband’s job to fill my cup—that’s now something I prioritise with pleasure. I have found relief in knowing that the only one I have to clean up after is myself.

The ripple effect on our kids has been beautiful. They see two parents who talk respectfully, greet each other with smiles, have fun, and flirt in the kitchen. We’re modelling a version of love I’m so proud of.

I’m grateful every day that I found these skills because they’ve changed more than just my marriage. They’ve uplifted our whole family, and reshaped who I am as a woman, wife and mother.

And the best part? My kids now see me pouring out gratitude and respect, instead of buckets full of frustration and resentment.

Now that’s what I call L-O-V-E.

Laura Doyle has shown me an alternative way to love. And it makes me wonder: Are you content with the way things are now, or curious about what else could be possible?