Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach
My Dreams Came True
I married an amazing man. He was so different from other people I’d known. I was captivated from the first day. We were the picture-perfect couple, always laughing and having fun together.
Three days before our anniversary, I received news that no wife ever wants to hear. My marriage was in jeopardy.
My world imploded.
My pain and confusion were overwhelming. I had so many questions: How did I end up here? Am I going to be okay? What do I do now? What do I do? That night, unable to sleep, I started searching for help. For answers. Somewhere in that darkness I found Laura’s book The Surrendered Wife.
The line that really caught my attention was “Stop doing everything.” Could this be where I had gone wrong?
I thought about my life and how I was always looking for ways to make my husband happy. To lighten his load so that he could focus on work. I realized too that I honestly didn’t think I deserved to have my dreams if they weren’t the same as my husband’s. He earned more, worked harder. Shouldn’t he always come first?
Laura’s words continued to resonate. So I stopped. Doing. Everything.
I realized I was completely out of touch with my feelings. I started asking myself constantly: “How do I feel? What do I want?” At first I had no idea. So I kept asking. If washing the dishes upset me, then I stopped. If making the bed made me start to cry, I found something to do that made me smile.
That year I made every mistake possible. I didn’t have the skills. I had the book but was too afraid to actually follow it. Too scared to be vulnerable or try the phrases Laura suggested.
Instead of trusting my instincts that the book was the solution to my situation? And consider this intriguing offer to get coaching? I chose the common route of therapy, and I received so much bad advice.
Each time I tried something that I was told would help? It backfired horribly and pushed my husband farther away.
Sharing my hurt, pleading, making ultimatums, setting boundaries? It was a recipe for disaster and I was the one stirring the pot. At the end of that year my heart was broken again.
I felt like a hollowed-out shell, full of agony and sorrow. I knew I had to do something different. Nothing I had been doing was working. Something had to change. It was then that I finally got up the courage to say yes to my desire to get a coach.
It was like a lifeline. I had been adrift at sea after my ship had wrecked, clinging to the book like a life preserver. My coach was the lifeline drawing me safely to shore. Still I was so scared to try. She was gentle and supportive and patient. Slowly I began to gain courage. One day I got up the courage to post in the online group. And all these amazing women reached out!
It was if they had all jumped into the water to help me swim the last few feet. We shared and supported each other. It was a safe island for us to heal our hurt. They became my sisters, always there for me. Encouraging me to try new skills. I experienced unconditional love and acceptance that I’d never felt before.
I began to really look at what I had brought to my marriage. Surrounding me on my island were all the remnants of the wrecked ship that had brought me to that shore. All the things I had brought with me to my marriage: my fears and expectations. My hopes and disappointments. My belief that my husband was responsible for my happiness.
So many of the pieces were unrecognizable in their broken state. So I searched for ways to fix them and make new and better ones. The Six Intimacy Skills™ gave me the tools to fix these broken pieces. Slowly I put each one back together in a beautiful new way.
The thing that became obvious the more that I looked was that I needed to relinquish control. I had been in charge of everything for so long, during all the years when he travelled frequently and worked long, long hours. I struggled with my hurt and resentment, and I didn’t trust him to get things done.
Understanding that my unwillingness to trust him to do things his way and on his timeline had driven a knife through our intimacy was a painful revelation. Accepting that we had very different perspectives but that both were equally valid and valuable helped me truly let go of the control I had clung to.
A year later there was more heartache. But now I had the Skills and knew how to show up as a respectful wife. I had my amazing coach to support me and remind me that prioritizing my self-care would get me through it.
Since that day, there have been so many changes. Everything that I had been hoping for finally began to happen. My husband started asking what I wanted and looking for ways to make it a reality. He holds my hand when we walk in the garden. He insists that I sit and relax while he tidies the kitchen. He finds me throughout the day just to give me a kiss and a cuddle. And tells me he misses me when I’m away at work.
For the first time in my life, I feel cherished.
I’ve learned to express my desires. All of my crazy fitness goals are not only accepted but encouraged. I wanted a gym space and my husband offered his barn then surprised me by coming to join me every day! Now he schedules his work calls so that he can work out with me. And when I shared my idea to create my own endurance events, he jumped in, asking how he could help me. He constantly looks for ways to support my dreams.
I feel supported and accepted and loved for exactly who I am. I can’t imagine how much better it can be, but it keeps getting more amazing every day. I never could have dreamed that my story would have a happy ending.