If the sex in your relationship isn’t all you were hoping for, you’re not alone.
Women tell me there hasn’t been any physical intimacy since the baby was born–and he’s four.
Or that her husband is always after her for sex, but she just feels used.
Or that she’s tired of feeling so rushed and pressured in the bedroom. She’ll say her husband’s idea of foreplay is to say “Brace yourself.”
Of course these women are frustrated, to say the least. And they’re wondering how things are ever going to improve with so much resentment and hurt standing in the way.
Life is too short to suck it up and suffer through an unsatisfying sex life, but what’s the alternative? How do you talk about it?
After all, talking about sex can feel awkward, and talking during sex can kill the moment.
Here are 3 ways to talk about sex, get what you want and still keep things steamy.
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Laura Doyle: My guest today is Christine, whose husband slept in the spare bedroom never initiated sex and rejected her advances often she thought there was something very wrong with him.
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Laura Doyle: And even though their marriage was okay. She didn’t want to spend the rest of her life feeling starved for sex and wondered
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Laura Doyle: If she should maybe outsource that part of the marriage. Instead, she found a solution that she is going to share with us today as she does with her coaching clients because
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Laura Doyle: She not only brought back the passion skyrocketed the intimacy and the laughter in the bedroom in her marriage she is now a gifted relationship coach, Christine. Welcome to the Empowered wife podcast. Thanks for coming on the show.
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Christine: Thanks for having me. I’m excited to be here.
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Laura Doyle: So there was something mostly missing in your marriage, what were things like in those battle days.
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Christine: Hmm. Well, let me tell you one of my darker moments I was on a trip.
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Christine: By myself and I just come back to the hotel room after meeting with an old friend, even a while.
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Christine: And he. Oh my gosh. He hung on to everywhere that said he had these googly eyes and
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Christine: And there was sparks flying, I felt like, dude,
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Christine: That goes parchment desert and he offered me a tall glass of water and I really wanted to drink from it and didn’t I got home to tell when I was so angry. I was so angry at my husband. Here he like I felt like he put me in this position.
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Christine: By by rejecting this often and not giving me
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Christine: What only he could give me he’s the only person in the world who could who could give that difficult part to me.
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Christine: And I so I went on a rampage on my laptop and I went online and I kinda I kind of I’m myself for a talk was gonna have a really serious talk with him about the unfairness of it. It was so
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Christine: Unfair that he wouldn’t. I felt like a wealthy flower i here. I’m in my prime and so
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Christine: Um, yeah, I remember what email is that night and and honestly that anger Kelton, a bit better than all that hurt feelings or undesired me an attractive like there was something wrong with me.
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Christine: So I wrote that anger and I
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Christine: Had that talk and I was gonna, I was gonna, I WAS GOING TO TELL HIM IF YOU DON’T SHAPE UP. I’m going to answer this, this part of it because that’s not how I want to go on.
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Laura Doyle: So here, you were seeing evidence that you were desirable right there sparks with this this male friend.
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Laura Doyle: And but he’s not giving you any indication. So you were started becomes an enormous temptation.
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Laura Doyle: Right when you’re when you’re not getting that kind of physical attention in your marriage, so I know you’re not the only one to feel that way when the sex goes missing. And so, so you wrote this out and then you had this conversation with your assessment.
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Christine: That right, I did. I did. Yeah, um,
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Christine: As you can imagine, it didn’t go so well.
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Christine: It was some
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Laura Doyle: Did it. Did it result and even one physical encounter did. Was there any sex come out of that conversation or no sex.
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Christine: Yes. Yeah, he I told him that he wanted to step up and it works, you know, or
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Christine: A few times but not in last didn’t last like any any stuff I would discuss the relationship dogs may they work for a while, but they wouldn’t be last.
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Laura Doyle: So, so what else did you. Was there anything else you tried to do to solve the problem.
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Christine: Yeah, well, so maybe I’ll give you a before and after.
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Christine: There’s no okay
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Christine: All right, so, so I would go on these little trips I could just talk about one and I would have a great time would either be with friends go to dinner and go to a new place or sleeping. Big, big back then.
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Christine: And then we’ll come back.
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Christine: In the moment I opened the door, I saw the dirty kitchen I saw the potato chip bags and McDonald’s Takeout food. And I saw my son, still the same clothes I left him in and
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Christine: Yeah, like
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Christine: And I felt so resentful I, you know, got busy in the kitchen cleaning up and and telling you take
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Christine: This, this all you ain’t
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Christine: And did you did you wash your mom like I was so all the joy that I had just got sucked up and and it was. Yeah, I was.
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Christine: Yeah, it was not
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Christine: Such a bad place. I wish I left really
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Laura Doyle: So, so he wasn’t stepping up to be the kind of dad. Yeah, I mean, you left your son with him, thinking he was going to be in good care and and it really wasn’t. It sounds like sounds like it’s kind of neglected.
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Christine: Yeah, I mean I think they had a good time. But, but, um, it’s all, it’s all really. It’s all I saw and and I worked myself in the state.
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Christine: So that’s the before now after I get to go on those kind of trips. So I come back and it all fell down and funny and happy and I opened the door and it might be a dirty kitchen. There might be potato chips there and
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Christine: All of that I don’t really see that now, and instead I’m so excited that I had the greatest time and he would pull me in for a hug and kiss and
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Christine: And and my son would be happy to see me too. And that might be a pillow fight and I would just appreciate that. Thank you so much that I get to go on those trips. Thanks for taking care of my son.
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Christine: And I would also notice two other things like one when I was, I was really little. I didn’t get to do any of it because he wanted to be with me all the time. Our son. And so I’m, I’m really thankful that our son has this great relationship with his dad.
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Christine: Now that
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Christine: And then sometimes even asking him what are you going on a trip again.
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Christine: Voice weekend.
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Laura Doyle: wonderful thing for mom guilt right that erases all mom guilt. If he
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Laura Doyle: Is actually saying, why don’t you go. Go ahead, Mom. Have fun. We don’t worry we’ll be fine. So
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Christine: And also I mean also really he works so hard. I get to know the money is not a problem. I get to I get to go on those trips and and I keep all this in mind what wireless
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Christine: And most likely, these days, the kitchen will be clean. Actually, especially for me because he knows what I like and you will you know he he really wants to please me and it’s it’s Venice different shows you know two things working
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Laura Doyle: Okay, so what’s the. So what happened. What did you do, how did you change all this, this because it sounds like it’s very different.
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Christine: It’s my attitude attitude of gratitude, where I focused on what I do one. What I do like in the beginning it was really hard. I was so resistant so well. I work hard to
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Christine: And funny should be doing this and
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Christine: Really just focus on when I wasn’t there. And now I I really
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Christine: Have a I have a habit of going to bed and writing down my gratitude for the day is five. I don’t go to bed until I have my five gratitude for the day and the focus on other things and and really
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Christine: The beginning, when I did that and had this resistance i i got past it because I noticed it was like
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Christine: Something set in motion where I now because I needed my five days, but I looked and I saw I look like what, oh, oh, you put addition that he put a you know addition to saying, Okay, well, mobile, I got I think something like that where
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Christine: We should focus
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Laura Doyle: So you as a discipline started doing these five things every night and then it forced you to have to open your eyes a little wider. And then when you did that you were able to find more evidence of the things he was doing that you were grateful for it.
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Christine: It was, it was an upward spiral and also me telling him that I would. Oh, I’ve got to be creative. I would buy the notes, I would you know put, like, thanks for being the breadwinner into the loaf of bread.
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Christine: Some steamy know it into his bathroom.
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Christine: fogged up the the bathroom mirror and vote on it, like, Yeah, I had a lot of fun with it and he would tell me. Like sometimes I would write him long texts emails we said
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Christine: So, so good IQ almost in and yeah that really made a difference.
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Laura Doyle: So you. So there’s kind of a metaphor here. You were parched feeling physically undesired but your husband was you also got to see that he was feeling
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Laura Doyle: parched for this appreciation and gratitude that you had to bring to him and so and so, how did this affect the sex. What happened with the sex.
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Christine: We have
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Christine: Right now we have these x i call it. We also lovely place.
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Christine: One time he invited me into a shower and it wasn’t to get me all tuned up
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Laura Doyle: That
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Christine: Um, yeah. Is is um
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Christine: It’s just it there’s I don’t ever get rejected because I don’t know, like, it wouldn’t. I wouldn’t get rejected, but also I don’t initially it. It’s all him. He’s the one who’s pursuing me and he is
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Christine: Wanting to spend time with me or where I have to laugh about that but like even the hot, the other day, we spend too much time.
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Christine: Really seeking me out and really wanting to spend time with me and sometimes I have to go. You know I playing calls I can be
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Christine: I know you got to go don’t like it but okay.
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Laura Doyle: Oh, I love that. So it sounds like things are a lot steeper than they were. What, what if you could go back in time and just talk to yourself from the time when, when you were feeling so parched in the desert. What do you know now that you would say to yourself.
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Christine: To envision this like conversation. I’d be having with her and she probably be out in the walk me sad.
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Christine: About the state of like how it was. And I would just want to give her a long hug and and yeah what I would
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Christine: And I would give her that have because the only way she knows how to get what you want is, is by
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Christine: You know, telling the truth. And, you know, telling you what you believe things and you should keep up and you know that that conversation that I had with him. So tell us, I remember
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Christine: That conversation and in work for a while and then you know didn’t really last drifted away again. And she’d be like, yeah, what’s so sad. It’s always like that, you know, we change us when I talked to him, but then it just back. So it’s like yeah okay well
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Christine: I hear you. It’s tough in me tell you a secret.
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Okay, what does it
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Christine: Tell us, I can. You can have anything you want.
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Christine: Have to trade short term which is a short term gain for long term loss because you’re causing a lot of damage with these relationship talks and having to tell them everything that’s on your mind and tell them everything you don’t like.
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Christine: But instead, you know, you’ll, you’ll be learning something else it will be really effective and you can have everything you want. Even the second one is shower and she’d be
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Christine: So excited to get I
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Laura Doyle: love that answer. So this is probably isn’t the things that you help your clients with to, I bet.
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Christine: Well, you know, it’s different. Sometimes they they do have sex, but they’d only enjoy it. So it’s, you know, that’s a different kind of problem.
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Christine: But the people that the women that don’t have it is I tell them it’s, there’s no direct route. You can ask, you know, if you go to him and say, like I did. You better shape up or whatever, you know, it doesn’t it doesn’t inspire him. It’s going to be very off putting.
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Christine: Like, and I might even say like, what is he came to you and said, you’re going to have sex, or else or I’m going to have another woman, or I’m going to, you know, it’s not inspiring at all. It’s like one I wanted even less.
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Christine: Right, that
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Laura Doyle: Doesn’t sound very low. There’s
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Christine: No, no, um, but it’s probably share with her when I did like gratitude work so well for me. Where you within two weeks, really.
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Christine: In two weeks of mentoring at my relationship felt revitalized to help you know the playfulness was back even early on, like, it took more over time, but I really fast success early on with with gratitude, those
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Laura Doyle: If you talk about this like the the playfulness being back the laughter being back so it wasn’t just the sex that was missing. There was this other aspect of that something that lovers do right is laugh together. And that was
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Christine: Yes. And I tell you we were there’s one moment when I thought
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Christine: This is working when he were driving in the car and he reached over and held my hand. I almost cried because I hadn’t even noticed how all that went out the window to it. We were really physical and holding hands hugging cuddling, all that good stuff. And it had just
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Christine: Poof. I didn’t know, over time, and I, I never knew what I mean. Now, I know, I know exactly all the things that I did wrong. And on the way back then. I had no idea.
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Laura Doyle: Wow. And so, this feels so you call it dating sex. It sounds like your whole relationship feels like dating again there’s hand holding
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Christine: Yes, oh yes, and it will cherish the other day we were walking with our dog, and he never did any of the, you know, housework, or taking out the trash like
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Christine: That physical stuff in the house. It was all the so we want to walk and it’s our job just had done her business and I had to poop examiner’s who put up and he he takes it from me, and he slipped up
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Christine: Thank you. I can’t, I don’t know. He isn’t dirty work for me. Now, just maybe, I feel like a princess like
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Christine: To get my hands dirty, so that all the time.
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Christine: Or he he makes breakfast for me.
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Christine: It’s like, I don’t think he’s ever done that, like, ever even beginning to things like that. It’s really
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Christine: Painful passionate, it’s
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Christine: It’s, I had no idea could be this way. Oh, thank you, Laura.
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Laura Doyle: Christy. This is so inspiring to hear your amazing story of going from feeling like you were starved for sex and wondering if you should go somewhere else to get it.
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Laura Doyle: To feeling like the princess, you should cherish your husband does the dirty work for you and pulls you into the shower, not to get you clean but
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Laura Doyle: Passion is back so graduations on the transformation in your marriage and well done with passing it on to other women fact
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Laura Doyle: I know that some of this is as hard to talk about right, talking about the problems that you were having in your marriage, it can be kind of embarrassing but but you’ve been willing to share with us today. I want to just ask you what has you be willing to talk about this so openly.
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Christine: Oh, it’s, it’s like, you know, the question you asked me earlier about what would you tell her that, you know, now I don’t know exactly the question yet.
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Christine: That’s exactly no idea. I was, I was always searching around and there’s so much. I was I got so angry after discovered the intimacy skills at that conventional advice. I’m so suitable like never go to bed angry, it takes to to have a good relationship.
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Christine: You have to talk about your problems and things like me so mad because I felt, there’s a bias. And it got me a distant husband never wanted to have sex with me so I i
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Christine: Yeah, I, I couldn’t not become a coach and pass this on I it wasn’t in my plans. I’m a stay at home mom and you know homeschooling a dad, but I couldn’t not because because I had wished that I just go
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Laura Doyle: Wow. Well, it sure is powerful to hear your amazing story. Sound like I know you’re a very gifted coach. And so this is really generous of you to share all this with us today. Thank you so much, Christine.
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Yes, so welcome.
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