013: How to Make Your Marriage Emotionally Safe

LISTEN TO THE SHOW:

If you’ve ever caught your man lying about where he was, who he was with or what he was doing, you know how much it stings.

If the lies were to cover up his drinking, smoking or who he was with, it can shake you to your core.

After all, how much worse can it get than him lying to his wife? What else is he lying about?

Isn’t honesty a basic requirement of a marriage?

Your friends and family can add fuel to the fire by assuring you that him lying to you is a serious problem.

But before you give him an ultimatum or stop trusting him completely, consider an approach that will preserve the connection between you first.

Here’s are 3 ways to keep your husband honest.

  • What exactly makes you feel safe and able to trust? We’ll talk about how you can create that. It’s probably not what you think.
  • My guest Mila was ashamed to be living with fights and hostility that no one knew about. A month before her due date, her non-commital fiancee announced that he was moving out after the baby came. Today though she enjoys a peaceful, loving home with the same man, who says that marrying her was the “best decision he ever made.” She’s going to give us the scoop on how she created that dramatic turnaround.
  • You have definitely heard the pop-psychology drivel that is winning The Worst Relationship Advice of the Week Award. It sounds convincing but it’s just ridiculous hooey that keeps so many people stuck thinking their relationship is hopeless.

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT:

Laura Doyle: My guest Mila was ashamed to be living with fights and hostility that no one knew about but felt even more hopeless and abandoned when a month before her due date her non committal fiance announced that he was moving out after the baby came

Welcome to the Empowered Wife Podcast Mila. Thanks for being here to share your story.

Mila: Thanks for having me here today, Laura.

Laura Doyle: So, things were not going well. You’re not even married yet, but you were expecting your first baby and your relationship is really struggling, tell us what it was like.

Mila: Yes, we weren’t married. We were engaged.

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Mila: And we were expecting our first child.

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Mila: He kept just moved with me in with me.

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Mila: So we have been together for probably seven, eight months. And we’ve been living together for five, six months, something like that. So we were fresh couple you know couple

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Mila: And

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Mila: We were very excited to be planning building live together, and as he moved then slowly things just started kind of cooling off and

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Mila: We started fighting more and more often.

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Mila: He seemed

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Mila: This done, and he seemed to the kind of miscues old lifestyle.

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Mila: A lot

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Mila: I started getting scared because I didn’t feel that

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Mila: He was committed enough for to have a family or with with me. And of course I was expecting a baby, which made things

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Mila: Even more dramatic.

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Mila: The the the

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Mila: The closer we were getting to my due date.

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Mila: The more

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Mila: And more we started to fight and the more intense the fights where

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Mila: He just didn’t, didn’t care about anything. He was just annoyed with me all the time and

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Mila: He didn’t want to celebrate Christmas.

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Mila: Us thinking, how is that going to work out. We’re going to have a child that will have to have a Christmas.

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Laura Doyle: We starting to feel like this is the wrong man like this is not the right man.

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Mila: Definitely felt like this was the wrong man and

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Laura Doyle: And it’s kind of too late because you’re

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Mila: Right. It was a bit tab. That’s how it was with two ladies, I was like, there was no going back. Because I had my baby going in me.

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Mila: Yeah.

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So was there.

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Laura Doyle: A moment when you just thought, okay, this is we can’t keep going.

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Mila: Oh well.

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Mila: Well, he said he was going to move out because things are not working out between us and he said, which is don’t click

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Mila: We just don’t get along together well. So we’re better off separated and I’ll take care of our child the way people do it. We would not be the first ones are the last one.

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Mila: And

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Laura Doyle: That wasn’t what he does.

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Mila: Now that was not what I want that I grew up.

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Mila: My mom raised us alone after my father passed away. So I still how much she struggled to raise us alone. I didn’t want to do it alone.

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Mila: He was determined that I was the best the best solution for everyone. And he even told his parents. They came over, like you shared that with them and

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Mila: Then when I asked his Mom, can I speak with you for a second to explain my side of the story. She just said you have your baby. Right. And she just lab. So I felt totally

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Mila: Alone.

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Mila: And very angry and face care hospice care.

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Mila: One thing, though he said that he would stay until after the baby was born. And so he said he’ll stay to help me the first few weeks after the baby was born, and I was grateful for that.

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Mila: And he did stay and he stayed a little longer, which was good with the fights continued

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Mila: Even

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Mila: Even the fact that we had a baby was not kind of enough to distract us from getting into, into into fighting

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Mila: And I was so angry, his parents. I often brought that up. How

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Mila: Just not

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Mila: They seem to an interesting as well as I thought it was running into family man has been raised by them. So case this interested in me. They’re also this just this interest general general this interest in this family and

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Mila: I just happened to to beat that. And unfortunately, I was I was having a baby with this man.

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Mila: So,

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Mila: Ron Baker.

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Laura Doyle: From the wrong family.

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Mila: Wrong man with the wrong parents definitely wrongly raised

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Mila: Right then.

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Laura Doyle: Always fighting with you.

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Mila: And always fighting with me. And even when I was, you know, having a baby breastfeeding and they can care full time Oh baby, and we were fighting one day and I said he spends for selfish and he does.

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Mila: Something broken here with me, he respects explains quite a lot. And he just punched me in my my lips on my upper lip was swollen for a few days afterwards.

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Mila: Of course, my sister, my mom, you have to leave this man right now. This is

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Mila: That everybody knows that everyone, you have to leave.

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Mila: Yeah I did apologize dn.

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Mila: But after that fight. I kind of went into the shower. Did that quite often after fights and I was crying in the shower feeling completely helpless thinking what is, what is that, what can I do

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Why is this happening to me.

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Mila: And what I realized, back then, I had an epiphany. Is that all my relationships were kind of similar.

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Mila: That were filled with a lot of anger fighting. I have had a few relationships before

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Mila: The one with my fiance and I also kind of reflected that my relationship with my mom and my sister was quite often filled with think and sort of course deleting away.

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Mila: And

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I kind of realized out the common denominator.

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Mila: And I’m and I thought that must be a way to do something about it safe. No, it’s

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Mila: And and I started looking. I just made a point to, to find a way to save that night and I started looking online and I found you. Okay.

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Laura Doyle: Thankfully, thankfully, right. I was painful is a

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Mila: Really

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Laura Doyle: So, and I, I, you know, for those who are listening to podcasts. They can’t see you. But you’re absolutely gorgeous and you’re tall. They can’t see that either. But, and you are well educated right you have, what, how much education do you have

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Mila: And I have a PhD. So I have the highest education possible

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Laura Doyle: Okay, so you’re smart girl and

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Laura Doyle: I just think so yeah I would think so. Right. Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: I mean, that’s some some evidence right

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Laura Doyle: And successful right, perfect.

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Mila: And I just

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Laura Doyle: I just love that context is I think we all have this idea that we see someone who’s beautiful and well educated

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Laura Doyle: That everything must be going along really well. And they’re like, you see the Facebook picture of the happy family. Well, that’s it. And so

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Laura Doyle: I just love this authentic slice of your life that you’re sharing with us. And I guess one question I have is, like, how do you think you

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Laura Doyle: had this epiphany. I know it just came to you in the shower. Like, I’m the common denominator. But how did, how did that happen. What do you think brought that on

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Mila: I don’t know, or I think it was just

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Mila: It just, it just

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Mila: It was just a realization at that moment.

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Mila: I, I, I tend to kind of think about it as some kind of a defining

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Mila: It was definitely something that hadn’t been geared to me before, and I never thought I always believed that I was perfect. I knew how to be in a relationship and

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Mila: You’re smart.

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Laura Doyle: People so

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Mila: Yeah. Indeed, my beauty compensated for every

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Mila: Stop. If I was beautiful. So why wouldn’t you want to be with me well.

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Mila: As my husband said later on, you know, beauty cannot keep me

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Mila: Somewhere where I feel

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Mila: Unwanted and

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Mila: In, in, he called it hostile environment. So, you made it very hostile for me back in the days but yeah anyway so that I don’t remember exactly what caused that it was definitely a feeling of epiphany. It was like oh my god that’s really, it’s been all me all along and

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Mila: Which is also good news, in a way, because I felt empowered. I felt like, oh, what if it’s me, then I might be able to change things and. And let’s see, like, but what do I do, what do I do

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Mila: And then I found do and the skills are just so amazing there so clear so well explained and so well packaged with tools that you can put in practice immediately see results.

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Mila: That was the first thing that really kind of worked for me because I had Brad, a few books on relationships and the Lord made sense.

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Mila: From previous times, but that was never able to implement anything. So for the first time.

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Mila: After reading one of your books and rate and reading through through the blog articles on the website. I kind of, I started implementing things bit and business and I can tell, and in a bit of what exactly. And I actually saw results. So that was for me the big, the big difference.

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Laura Doyle: What did you start doing differently than what you had been doing

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Mila: Um, well, first day I really started taking care of myself. I had completely forgotten myself and I was in as I as I

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Mila: Like got pregnant and then had my first baby.

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Mila: It’s quite it’s quite normal event to kind of put yourself maybe for a while. Second, but

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Mila: What I hadn’t. What I didn’t realize that at that moment, putting myself second was actually causing

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Mila: Causing me to be a lot less patient a lot less tolerant openly hostile tired. So that was actually affecting the relationship. I didn’t know that at the time.

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Mila: And to be honest, I didn’t really believe what self care. How is that going to change my relationship. Well, it’s about right to do it. I didn’t believe it would change my relationship but it felt right to do it. And then suddenly I saw

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Mila: I started going back to yoga. That was the first thing that I really did because yoga is one of my passions and I always feel amazing. After yoga and I kind of started

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Mila: started buying clothes beautiful clothes again. I had stopped doing that, after I got pregnant started putting makeup take care of myself do my hair again go to the movies see friends. So everything that

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Mila: I had stopped doing after I I got into relationship with my husband with my, my view and set the time now, my husband.

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Mila: And I’m

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Mila: And I immediately felt happier and fitter and somehow less focused on him and everything had dead wrong.

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Mila: So I was able, because I was happier and fit and kind of filled up with joy and I was less

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Mila: I’ve tended to be less kind of focused on him and less prone to telling, telling him what I saw. Wrong.

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Mila: But that was the first thing

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Mila: That really that really made a big difference for us. So things suddenly became quieter and

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Mila: Fights became less less often.

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Laura Doyle: More peaceful wizard. Was there a moment when you thought, okay, this is really working.

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Mila: Oh yes definitely. And I’ll never forget that moment.

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Mila: We went out for dinner with friends and we went to the nearby Mexican restaurant and we walked to the table. It was the four of us me my fiance at a time and a couple friends, a woman and a man

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Mila: And there’s we were kind of settling into the table he tried to help me with my code. So I took my coat off and they he just took me by the waist kind of flipped me around and just did that little sensual slow dance with me looking into my eye.

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Mila: Exactly the same way he had done it. When we were dating so and I kind of felt this warm going through my body and I kind of melted in his arms and that all happening in front of everyone in the restaurant and him doing it with that beautiful smile like

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Mila: Shining joy and happiness and just pure pleasure to to look at me and beat me. That was a face to face.

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Mila: So this is there was

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Laura Doyle: No, this is like a movie that’s like sure that’s Julia Roberts been turned around, right by deleting

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Out.

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Laura Doyle: Yeah, no, that’s so okay so

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Laura Doyle: What, what’s your relationship like now this is that’s been a few years.

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Mila: How long has that been it’s been a few years, indeed, a lot has happened for as things

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Mila: So we, as I said, we were engaged and he wanted to move out and thankfully I found the skills on time and

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Mila: Things that are getting much better started becoming better

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Mila: As that as I was getting better with the skills.

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Mila: And he had put the wedding on hold. So we were not on hold. We called it off basically. And then at some point. I think it was nine months into me practicing the skills he started talking about the wedding.

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Mila: And so we plan. We started planning our wedding again and we got married five months later we got married in Holland. Then we got married another time in my home country, Bulgaria.

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Mila: We had a beautiful, beautiful wedding, actually, two of them and and then I got pregnant again. So in that time, we also had another baby.

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Mila: We moved into bigger house. And actually my dream is becoming a reality. Kevin bad stables strong family to

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Mila: To to, you know, to grow our, our quick kids and and give the safety and and and and joy to

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To our kids.

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Laura Doyle: Two kids. And so, Andy celebrate Christmas now.

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Mila: With do that we can an amazing Christmas and that’s

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Mila: That’s how things are these days here and

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Mila: I wanted to have we had we’ve just moved into our new house, a big house I take some time for us to get it ready to be cozy and comfy and I really wanted to have a cozy Christmas. I wanted to have curtains. You can see them behind me.

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Mila: I wanted to have carpets. I just wanted to, to welcome our guests and our family and friends into a cozy living room with fireplace and and we have beautiful Christmas together. And that was a lot a lot had to be done and

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Mila: As I expressed desire desires for what I wanted, and relinquish control or for

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Mila: How, when things will be done. Suddenly, the day before Christmas. I turned around and I had everything I wanted, I noticed I had the Curtis, I had the carpet.

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Mila: I had the flowers. The plans. I had the five plays with the beautiful stones and I was just filled with gratitude for that man who just planned everything and made sure that it happened on time because I had said that I wanted to have a cozy Christmas. Oh, that house.

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Mila: And we had beautiful celebration, everyone was like, oh, this is such a beautiful house. We were just by place to be able to welcome everyone in that in our cozy home.

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And

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Mila: When we went to sleep.

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Mila: As we were falling asleep. He said to me, but thank you for Mang me and thank you for staying married to me.

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Mila: And this. This is the best decision I’ve ever made marry you enough

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Mila: Is the best. Thank you. I

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Mila: Know,

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Laura Doyle: This is the same guy that was going to leave you right after

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Mila: He was born. That’s an amazing story me, let me know. The same guy that didn’t care that I was pregnant, and I was expecting a baby and the same guy now gives everything for me and

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Mila: So they swear every time that his gifts.

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Mila: He’s married to me.

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Laura Doyle: Yeah, he’s yeah I mean this, you had a little you had a dream, he had to just to see it have a dream to have this beautiful family and and it looked impossible at one point looked hopeless. That was not to have in fact you you should leave him and he was gonna leave you anyway.

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Laura Doyle: Yeah. Oh. Instead, there’s this family where you’re welcoming extended family.

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Into your beautiful home that you worked as a team to create

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That coziness with

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Mila: To celebrate Christmas.

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Mila: Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: It’s over the top celebrate Christmas now.

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Mila: These days it’s over the top with we it’s a makeover of the whole house plus family, extended family and friends.

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Laura Doyle: So, so if you could go back in time and talk to yourself before you know when you were feeling so abandoned and hopeless. What do you know now that you would say to yourself in

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Um,

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Mila: I guess I would just give myself a hook and tell myself. Hey, don’t worry. It’s not hopeless.

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Mila: Just need to learn a few things just need to learn how to be in a relationship, you haven’t learned that in school or university. No, no one teaches as

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Laura Doyle: Part of the PhD.

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Mila: No, it was

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Mila: And

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Mila: I thought I knew everything they because they had a page, there was to know everything.

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Mila: But I really didn’t know how to respect the man. I didn’t know how to trust a man how to have faith in man in general how to be in a relationship in a happy relationship with another human being.

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Not just your husband. In other words, not just your field. Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: So now, and now you become a relationship coach you are on our campus coaching women, helping them have this transformation that you’ve had from hopeless, you know, struggle and hostility to

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Laura Doyle: Enjoying peace and connection. So what’s your tip for the woman who’s listening who thinks her relationship is hopeless and hostile and she’s feeling abandoned also

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Mila: It’s not hopefully there’s, I would like to tell her, there’s always hope and

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Mila: I wish I had known earlier.

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Mila: I wish I had someone around me as a role model for a happy happy made relationship.

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Laura Doyle: Among can be that right

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Mila: No, unfortunately. Well, yeah. She was my, my father quite early, so I didn’t see much of a

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Mila: Happy successful kind of well operating family, then I makes them to my teacher so my mom struggling to raise us and

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Mila: Try to fill in for both herself and my father.

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Mila: What I would

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Mila: What I would say is if it’s not hopeless. It’s

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Mila: And just, it’s just me.

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Mila: Just need someone to guide you through the process of, you know, learning and unlearning habits that have been created over the years and

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Mila: And learning new and more kind of empowering and effective ways to

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Mila: To interact with your husband or fiance or or boyfriend, which would be beneficial for both more beneficial for both you and him and the relationship and the kids are there any kids in the family and everyone around you.

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I would say

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Laura Doyle: And how did, how does being that role model being that you’re a beacon of hope right for other women that this is possible. How does that affect your relationship.

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Mila: Always definitely inspires me to be my best self in a relationship, of course, and it adds another dimension to my motivation for sure.

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Mila: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful.

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Laura Doyle: Well Mila your story is so inspiring and it’s amazing actually right this is this is very rare to get to hear a story like this where we really you’ve really taken us behind the curtain and showing showing us what it was like.

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Laura Doyle: In your relationship, what, why, why would you do that, why are you sharing. Why would you be willing to share these details with

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Mila: Oh, I don’t want any other woman to suffer the way I suffered. It was so painful and I felt so helpless and I just, it was so felt so stuck and not knowing what to

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Mila: And that’s a very, very painful place to be. I don’t want any other woman to suffer that we have such an amazing power as women we hold the key we hold the power in relationships.

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Mila: So freakin claim that will not suffer, that’s why.

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Mila: I love that.

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Laura Doyle: Mila. This has been amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story with us.

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Mila: Oh, you’re most welcome. Laura. It was a pleasure for me to be here.


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