017: When Your Husband Never Apologizes

LISTEN TO THE SHOW:

If you’re anything like I was, when you fight with your partner you both say nasty things.

It can be shocking to see how low this thing you live with will go.

And while I’ve said some regrettable things during a fight, the biggest thing on my mind when it’s over is that he owes me an apology. Big time!

And it’d better be a good one, to convince me that he’s really sorry and he’ll never do it again.

Until then, I will show that I am waiting for said apology by being distant and having an irritated look on my face.

That ought to motivate him.

But it didn’t. Mostly that approach got me a cold war and wall-to-wall hostility.

It’s stressful. It’s hurtful. Fortunately, I have a better post-fight game plan now.

On today’s episode I’ll share:

  • 3 power moves to restore the peace and connection after a fight.
  • My guest Jola was in an exhausting, lonely marriage and felt that she had to raise the kids by herself because her husband wasn’t there for her. They weren’t communicating and didn’t like each other. A divorce seemed inevitable. Then she found something that empowered her to create peace and connection and family hugs. She’s going to tell us how she did that and give her best tips for making your relationship peaceful.
  • Then I’ll be giving out the award for The Worst Relationship Advice of the Week. This week’s advice comes up so quickly in conversations among girlfriends, and it seems like a self-respecting thing to do, but most of the time it’s just lousy advice.

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT:

Laura Doyle: Jola. Welcome to the podcast. The empowered wives podcast is great to have you here today.

Jola: Well, thank you for having me. Thank you. It’s been a pleasure.

Laura Doyle: Oh, good. Well, I would just love to have you start by telling us a little bit about you.

Jola: It was just exhausting. What we have been dealing with BEEN MARRIED ALMOST 15 years and for eight years of our life, it was just my height. I was just very hard. We had three kids within that period of time work everything going on and I just felt like I had

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To raise their kids over myself that I didn’t have any support that he just wasn’t there to me and she wasn’t his work I was doing the kids and and work on top of it.

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And we’re just, we’re not communicating. We just didn’t like each other very much as so many times I asked myself, What is this even worth it. And I’m like, What’s the point

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And then, you know, I thought it was my mom would have been there, Jeff, I love my grandma, whether they may not be my life was supposed to be different. And it just wasn’t, it was terrible. It was terrible was exhausting. It was lonely and I just didn’t want to be there.

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Yeah, yeah. Do you ever think about that you might have been just doing the same things you saw your mom do maybe even your grandma do

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Yeah, I definitely did have my grandmother, because she was a strong woman with 10 kids who did everything by herself. And he was totally useless and worthless.

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And

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He was what, sorry.

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Useless and worthless.

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Okay, okay.

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Yeah, it looked like it. It looked like that. And then for my mom. My mom was divorced, because they were fighting all the time. And so she had asked about yourself. So, needless to say, I did not have good role models, not at all. No. Yeah.

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So it wasn’t going good in your house, you were having the kind of marriage. You were hoping to have when you got married. It sounds like when we

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Met. We were very happy. The first five years of the match was thriving. We’re so happy together work together with it, everything together WERE JUST ECSTATIC. And then things just shifted and

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I was just like what happened and I couldn’t go back to it. I’ve tried so hard. I was in coaching for three years.

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Literally, and it was just like, don’t help me patch little holes and just, you know, just little here a little bit. Okay, just get through that and it probably helps us get through another divorce, but not enough to have a good night.

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Yeah, when I yeah I was looking at my wit’s end but

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YOU WEREN’T YOU WEREN’T coaching with Laura Doyle connect you are

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No other

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That was my

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That was my. That was my

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Life Coaching but natural relationship coaching, which now I know better, that if you are fixing your relationship you kind of need to go for the relationship. One does not fit all know why.

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Yeah. Gotcha. Well, was there a moment where you said yourself, I can’t go in like this, this is, this is not okay.

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Yeah, definitely. It was like, I’ll never forget that it was Sally. Hey, just brings tears to my eyes because I was I was seven year old son, and it was our oldest trick is at the time.

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We were arguing, yet again, like every day and he just came up to us and we just looked at us both of us.

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Guys, why keep fighting and the

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Cold like gosh they see it, it’s no longer just asked in the bedroom fighting. It’s a they see all those outlets, they see us not like liking each other.

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And like is that the example I want to set. I’m like, no, there’s got to be better and

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I was just so so fortunate that one of the, of the life coach I had last she actually recommended the book. I’m like, that’s the best service. She was given to me because she recommended was book.

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And things just changed from then on, it was working in progress. It’s always a work in progress, but now

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I

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Can’t wait to get to that as well, which looked at this coach recommend

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It was the surrender twice and I inhale it. I little impaled it over two days. I could not when I got it. I was just like, when she as soon as she told me I got an audible

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And I inhaled it over two days and then I was on the website looking. I went to a retreat. There was just a lucky time that I went to the chief for today’s so I had the time for me.

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And I just looked through all the videos on the website. I looked at all the different things. And even that day I was already looking at the coaching program.

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It’s just, I didn’t even know how to implement it, how to do it, but I was just so inspired and so so empowered empowerment was the biggest the biggest that I could ever imagine when you just look at yourself and say, okay, it’s up to me. I talked to me, I can do it. I’m not helpless anymore.

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So you can move out of that I’m a victim space and he doing it wrong. And, and so and what what gave you that so that that sounds like a very hopeful moment you go, Okay, I could. So how did you get that, like, what, what changed.

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It was totally the perspective, it was hundred percent perspective because you, you could say you don’t change overnight, but you do

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Literally something just clicks and I changed that completely want to come back from the truth. That was not the same person.

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I was just totally different and I had so many tools through to just kind of put things out. So I just need to practice practice practice and get this affordable coaching, get the support to the program.

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And now, even if something comes up, it just click, you know, it just, it happens. Yeah, as it comes up, but I’m so quick. With that, not to go into victim mode. And that’s your control. And even if I choose to control. It’s very conscious

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I know I need to apologize.

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Yeah, so it’s just bringing in a ton of accountability to

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The way you’re interacting with your husband fact, I remember you sharing with him at one point he said something like, what do I need to do to have a better marriage.

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That was fantastic. That was one actually. I came back to that retreat and we did a book and it was probably two days later and want to talking and he says, okay, so what do I have to change.

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And I just said like, look, I can look nothing like what do you mean nothing. Nothing. You just be you and I’ll figure it out. And he was shocked.

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And it was just that was the beginning

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Everything.

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And what is it like at your house now.

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It’s much nicer.

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It’s much nicer. Actually, you can see it’s pretty triangle. And because my husband’s been to a lot of health issues, but the beautiful thing is that we do have the tools and we’re so close.

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And we’re getting close, even through that difficult period of time, we’re getting closer and the trust has been

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The biggest problem we had was that he kept repeating that I can trust you anymore and contrasting anymore.

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And now he’s just so gracious for everything. I helped them out or anything I do is extremely gracious and grateful and he keeps telling me how great mom I am how

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You know how much I take care of him. I provide love and support and it just even when he’s going through the top unity just so happy that we are where we are.

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That’s great. So was there a moment where you said to yourself, Wow, this is really working like my relationship is totally transformed

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Yes, I do. Tell that to myself, and I actually, it’s funny because I tell that to myself to be even before the call.

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Because he had a little, a little tiny control thing come up and I just knew how to take care of it. I literally I it happened for a little bit, but then I was just lucky. No, that’s not what we are anymore.

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I apologize for being disrespectful. People have because when done that I have the tools I literally I’m so conscious of what I’m doing now.

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That it doesn’t just happen to me like I can trace it back and say, Okay, I was disrespectful. He reacted this way. Ah, now I need to do this or that or just them do it again. I forget better way of how to present something so it’s totally. It’s like a tool set

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Yeah, I love that. That’s fantastic. So the same old fight might come around, but because you respond to it so differently. It sounds like you kind of skip over it and just go to the good part.

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Yes, if we had that same even interaction that we had today in the morning, it would last for five days.

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Today, it took all of it. It took probably 10 minutes because I needed to step out and do a meditation. Yeah, they kind of myself because I wake up and I’m done. I’m like, I need to reset myself.

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And I consciously stepped out and I reset myself when I came back and I was loving him. You know, I apologize. And we’ve just moved on.

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Wow. I love that. And so, And was there any tension or kind of a, you know, any Cold War’s after that. Does it kind of left

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For today, no today no before. Oh my goodness.

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Yes.

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Because

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Yeah, and it keeps the tension in your body. And, you know, just kind of let it go. And now I know logically and you go, let’s go. So if my logic can click in a really quick. I can remove myself.

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And then come back with a better state of mind. You don’t have to keep crushing it out and fighting it you just step away and then recent

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I love that. I love that. So, and now you went all the way you have gone through coach training certified and now you’re a coach, how did that impact your relationship.

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Well, it keeps me accountable.

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You know, my husband would aspect is that if she asked me literally today. He asked me.

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Did loyalty to be controlling and I know the opposite. She taught me controlling and to forgive, really quickly to forget. And that’s why I’m the way I’m right now because of the skills. So he was like, Okay, cool.

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So definitely keeps me accountable, because I asked myself, it would I tell the clients will behave this way or why would they tell them, and yes, I can tell on myself.

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Which I just have, but it does that’s making me uncomfortable and it provides the support that I need for my coaches do because we all slip every now and then.

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But the moments of intimacy that moments of connection, even when you’re not 100% and like what he said 100% we truly connect more than ever before. And it’s, it’s, I can’t even believe that it’s actually happening.

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That’s amazing. I mean, in this case, he kept you accountable.

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Yeah.

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Sometimes he does.

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A LOT OF HUMILITY yella to just be like okay though. That’s what you taught me right i mean you had to be very mature and responsible but I guess this is part of the empowerment that you’re talking about being able to make that choice.

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It’s a choice. It’s always a choice. Even I teach the same skills to my kids, you know, it’s a choice. You can choose to respond to. So I

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Can see that the person is hurting. But if you react certain way, just listen for the right message what’s underneath it. It’s always searching, searching, literally, I’m on a journey of searching and just discovery of what triggers. What in palliative care.

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And so it sounds like you’ve got superpowers to make those conflicts are resolved very quickly at your house, which

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I should, though, and it’s phenomenal because he said something that could take forever and all that anger and all those emotions just boiling up

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And he lost productivity, because on the back to the office I stepped away from the office for a year, because I couldn’t, I couldn’t work together. It was exhausting, it’s just constant fight.

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So it has been enjoying it, but I was able to return recently and so amazing. Our even because he’s a little sick right now. So we had our employee of 10 years leave for another job.

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And if that happened a year ago I will be furious. I’ll be I’ll be so scared because I couldn’t handle it will just not in the right place. And this time a year later.

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That’s cool. We’ll figure it out. And it’s just like our stuff. And I’ll help out whatever it needs to be. We’ll figure it out, but it will have together. So there’s no here.

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So it sounds like you’ve also really increase your personal confidence, I guess, in light and yourself and your own capabilities, your capabilities as a couple that hey, we’re going to get through this. We’re going to be okay. We’re going to be good.

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Yes, yes. At first he was just kind of, I don’t want to have anything to do with him. I want to remove myself and I want to just step away. But as the pen built and I

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Had to call myself. I took care of my needs. I know when I need something and you can meditate. That’s myself if I go meditate, if I need to go.

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On girls night out on girls night out, even if I go with my nails done, I’ll just go and do it. So I feel good. I need to feel good about myself to come back and if I’m depleted.

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Bad things are happening. So it doesn’t matter of comfortability and it just by when you have that

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Almost lack of a better word, because my life, my husband lives in protocols. It’s like a protocol for happiness. What do you do when you are depleted. When do you do when he gets on your nerves know so you just learn those

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You’ve got the formula. Now method.

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Yeah.

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I love that. So, and what would you suggest that a woman do who is maybe where you were with with fighting and not modeling for her kids.

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What she wants to be modeling. Oh my gosh, which just reminded me. I remember you telling me a great story about what your family life is like. Now with the hugging and stuff. It wasn’t happening before

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I need to tell you that. Yeah.

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Tell me that.

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Most beautiful thing. So we saw our kids use this. Yes, fighting right like my son seven year old, he would come in us. And that was our daily life. That was our reality, the kids scream.

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Our babysitter and nannies raise the kids because I was constantly working and we’ll just finding, but now I’m working less

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And we are much more loving and caring. So now what happens is if I go downstairs. My husband is a vice versa.

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And I’ll give him a hug. All I was crickets just flocked to us. They just come, he just literally is just like a magnet and they just lost another family had finally hug.

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And they absolutely love that. And that’s the most got from them. And those are two of them will say hugging and never come on guys, it’s totally hug.

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Oh my gosh, what a good example to set like that piece. And that’s the building the family for the kids that now they have this ability they have how many have instead of one is fighting what conscious

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It’s did your husband ever say something or to acknowledge this transformation and you

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He loves me.

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He loves my feminine side. I was so master and I didn’t realize that I literally changed into a man. That’s what we’re fighting all the time because there’s no

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Polarity there was no attractiveness like just it was just like, Okay, what business partners. Let’s get stuff done.

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And now he says that it has like I just can’t stop watching you and we just joke, and we can work together and we can just

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Reference something from the night before and and it just totally loves the feminine side of me. I just can’t express that enough. It’s just very, very powerful because I’m soft and delicate, but at the same time I’m in charge of the things going to be

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So beautiful. I love that. So, so if a woman is listening right now. And she says, I want to have the family hug vibe with my kids and just feel so loved and to feel feminine again around my husband.

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But right now it’s just all breakdowns. It’s all fighting and

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How, what’s your tip for her. What should she do

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Definitely learning the skills.

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To learn the skills in and out, in and out in practice, practice, practice.

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I started with gratitude and that was a huge, huge chain game changer for my gratitude, it just slowly says, I started for the first time seeing my husband. I used to do gratitude. It’s like every night before I go to sleep. I’ll say gratitude for three things.

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But then there’s the first assignments are one of the first ones to say 10 gratitude. So what do you consider them like, oh, I was

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Grateful for. And then when I started, I started seeing him differently. And then they started saying it and testing it first and then saying it.

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And then I think the second for me, came the self care because I was depleted. I was just constantly upset and angry that I had to work so much, which I’m gonna have to buy at to kind of find all those things.

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And then, and you’ll tell me, actually, you’ll have to work so much. You just have to work with me kind of sort of collaborate, but I just, I couldn’t understand that. Now, I do.

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Not, not going to manage the family and manage the work and just don’t make it happen. So definitely, that’s a strength gratitude self care for me that was the and then everything else came in place.

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It’s beautiful yellow. Well congratulations on this amazing transformation. You are ending world divorce, starting with your own family. And then of course now as a coach, you’re

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In a position to help other women have the same kind of transformation as you. So, and I think the world needs more women, like you said, it’s important in relationships so beautiful. Thank you for, for coming on the show and sharing with all of us.

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Thank you. And thank you for the skills. I’m grateful.

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Thank you.

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Right.

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Okay, yeah, yeah.

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Yes.


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