002: Becoming an Irresistible Magnet

LISTEN TO THE SHOW:

There are 11 simple behaviors that men find irresistible in women, and not one of them has to do with hair, makeup or how you dress.

None of them are manipulations. They won’t make you seem desperate. You won’t have to dumb down.

In fact, they’ll help you be your best self—your real self.

I’ll share all 11 behaviors.

My guest Marissa thought there was something seriously wrong with her husband because she was getting zero help with their baby.

She started doing something that inspired her husband to take initiative with the baby and housework, and also shower her with presents and special treatment.

She shares exactly what she did.

And why she’s wearing a tiara and a big smile in this picture.

YOU WILL HEAR:

  • This is the essence of femininity, which is what men are fundamentally attracted to.
  • The moment my guest Marissa realized that things couldn’t go on in her marriage the way they were.
  • What she discovered about herself that she never saw before and how she used it to get a much better response from her husband.
  • The advice that I tried repeatedly to get more affection from my husband that never worked and just doesn’t work.

FEATURED ON THE SHOW:

Grab your free copy of The Adored Wife Roadmap. It covers common mistakes that everyone seems to be making and lays out the pathway to becoming desired, taken care of and special in your relationship without his conscious effort!

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT:

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Laura Doyle: My guest today, Marissa was doing it all with no help. She had a baby and she was on duty 24 seven with that newborn baby while her husband slept in. She did the cleaning and the laundry zero appreciation

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Laura Doyle: Leaving Marissa convinced that she had married the wrong man, but instead of getting divorced

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Laura Doyle: Now she’s got a great relationship, the kind that we all dream of and she’s also a powerful relationship coach who helps other women.

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Laura Doyle: With what seems like impossible challenges in their relationships and she’s here to tell us how she fixed her marriage and how she now.

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Laura Doyle: gets plenty of help as a mom. So, Marissa, welcome to the Empowered wife podcast. Thanks for coming on to tell your story about how you created this transformation in your family where you’re feeling like more of a team in your relationship so

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Laura Doyle: Let’s start at the beginning. Tell us a little bit about what was going on in your relationship in the battle days.

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Marissa : Yeah, so, um, thanks for having me and my case that I mean I just was doing it all rounding really I’m feeling like I’m drowning and my husband’s sipping a margarita on float next to me while I’m driving

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Marissa : Sleeping in a while. I had been up since six day and feeling like I had conquered half the day with a newborn you know already changed the whole diapers doing the feedings managing the house cleaning, laundry everything

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Marissa : And really receiving no appreciation, as if

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Marissa : I don’t know if it was just my job, perhaps as the woman or

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Marissa : I don’t know that I was depressed. I was lonely resentful. I’m not good at all. They’re just was wasn’t along with the connection that we want to have. And I remember thinking, How did I get here. How did I get here that I’m

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Marissa : You know, now, now a mother and and you know no wife but so unhappy.

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Laura Doyle: And you’re very well educated mother and wife actually tell us a little bit about that.

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Marissa : Yeah. So my background, actually, is that I’m a licensed mental health therapist and love personal growth work and have extensive personal growth work, but some somehow I couldn’t have

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Marissa : I couldn’t find my way through this. Um, yeah, in a way that really resonated or made sense or I just didn’t know how to apply it to my marriage. You know, like I could put together a lovely vision board maybe other things, but not so much. My marriage. Right.

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Laura Doyle: And so was there a moment where you said yourself, Okay, this I can’t keep going on like this.

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Marissa : Yeah, so I mean I’m just depressed and depleted and beyond measure. And I remember we’re at a restaurant and my daughter needed her diaper change. And of course, it’s going to be me that’s going to do it. You know, he’s not offering or suggesting anything

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Marissa : And when it comes to diaper changing and restaurants, it can kind of go one or two ways it can be pretty easy because it’s family friendly or it can be challenging.

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Marissa : And in this particular situation. It was pretty challenging and it felt like I had been in the bathroom for, I don’t know 1015 minutes I was waiting

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Marissa : For these young girls to kind of get out of the handicap stall and there’s no changing table and then I come back to the to the table restaurant table when I’m done, and I’m

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Marissa : Kind of sharing with my husband. Oh my gosh, you wouldn’t believe how challenging. This was, you know, kind of going through

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Marissa : How it was. And I don’t remember, but I think it was something like I had to change her on the floor and instead of getting you know validation or gratitude or appreciation. I got criticized for how I handled it. And I was just

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Laura Doyle: What did you

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Laura Doyle: Do you remember what he said like

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Marissa : Something like I can’t believe you did that you made that choice. So that was so unsanitary or something like that and i was i was i mean i was i say I’m heartbroken and I was, but really it was like, Oh, how could you. How could you

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Marissa : criticize me like if you had any idea all that I had done it was like it was kinda like the explosion was gonna go off at this point. Right. And it did.

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Marissa : And so words were exchanged probably at the table in the car driving home continuing into the house and I don’t quite, you know, you know how one of those arguments we can’t quite remember who said, Why, but it was like, I think I was just desperate for him to

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Marissa : Understand what I was going through, like, how could he criticize me and it ended with me yelling curse words which was completely out of character for me.

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Marissa : Um, and it actually alarmed me. It kind of jolted me. And so my answer was, we need to go to counseling for our bad behavior. Clearly, um,

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Marissa : Yeah, so I just remember that kind of being a moment of like, yeah, this is not working. And we need to go to to counseling, because you know because he was responsible for my

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Marissa : Life, you know, for me, a curse. He

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Marissa : Was kind of mortified. But he needed to come with me. He needed to needed to know he was wrong.

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Laura Doyle: That’s right, for

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Marissa : insulting me that way.

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Laura Doyle: How did it go a counseling.

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Marissa : So, not, not good.

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Marissa : I do remember that counselor kind of sharing a story about how there was a couple that ran a coffee shop and the kind of their

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Marissa : Way of running the coffee shop is we both do 100%. I’m like, oh, this sounds crazy fulfilling 100% to run this coffee shop. And then we get home and I’m like,

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Marissa : What does that mean, like, it sounded so great, you know, but then you get down to reality. And it’s like, well, honey, I’m doing my hundred percent you know it’s like it. It wasn’t tangible. It wasn’t like

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Marissa : It wasn’t like the like intimacy skills, it sounded lovely, but it really made no sense once I got home.

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Laura Doyle: Yeah, see, be inspired in that moment, but not really well equipped. It sounds like so. So when you got back from marriage counseling. I mean, Did anything change was anything better.

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Marissa : No, no, not from not from the counseling. I mean, you know, I think I’m in my attempts to have talks with my husband, I think, like, he would step up for a day or two and then it would just fall back to the way it used to. And that would really become a routine.

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Laura Doyle: What would you say to him, and these talks.

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Marissa : Is probably very critical of him, letting them know how much I’m doing letting them know how short he is falling in the role of husband and father basically

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Laura Doyle: Yeah, so, and you did see he saw kind of an uptick of his contribution. It sounds like from those talks for a little while.

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Marissa : For a little while, very short term. Yeah, very short term.

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Laura Doyle: And then after that, what would happen.

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Marissa : So we it continued for a while having these talks that really just kind of like me devastated, it’s you know, it’s like we’re speaking two different languages and I’m trying to be understood and um

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Marissa : Yeah. And again, it’s all kind of a blur of what I said. I remember the feeling the feeling was loneliness.

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Marissa : And kind of always going back to that feeling of I think I married the wrong man.

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Marissa : Yeah, because we can’t communicate, he doesn’t understand and I think I was probably on my high horse and you know I have all this personal growth.

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Marissa : Background

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Laura Doyle: Yeah, your marriage, family therapist.

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Marissa : Right, so

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Marissa : Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: So must be him. It’s got to be him.

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Laura Doyle: So, so what happened.

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Marissa : So I, I discovered the book and listen to the audio and I’m got through it like over a weekend and it was incredibly eye opening incredibly eye opening

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Laura Doyle: Okay, so for our listeners. They don’t know what book you’re talking about, maybe not. Okay.

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Marissa : Okay, so, so, so the book and powered why. And then, for me, it was the audio first kill, kill all the marriage capture. I think it’s a good title. Um, so yeah, so that was the book and audio and

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Marissa : I remember I’m

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Marissa : Feeling like I had a glimpse of what he must be experiencing or what he might be experiencing and I had a glimpse into how wow I was going about this all wrong like very eye opening, but it was kind of nice that I could just

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Marissa : Listen to the book and in my own space the privacy of my own car, right, which is where I was listening to it. And so it’s like I didn’t feel

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Marissa : I’m mortified per se. It was like a safe place to kind of take in all this information and go, Oh, wow.

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Marissa : And as resentful, as I was, I remember that night that I finished the book like hugging him and actually giving him a back rub and it was, it was like, if you are a bug, you know, flying in and looking, you go, whoa. What just happened like

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Marissa : But it was it was a moment of like I didn’t have a word for it because I wasn’t even close to having like an apology or words that if I had words. It was almost like, Oh, honey.

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Marissa : I my eyes have been open I’ve learned a lot. And I’m not. You’re not all bad. You’re not all wrong. And it makes me sad just remembering

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Marissa : That eye opening like wow, I have a part in this. I have a part in this. And I need to. I need to find out more.

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Marissa : And so I ended up doing the the coach training to train to become a coach myself and that really began my journey of continuing to learn and learn and learn and make mistakes, which I was going to do, but also have success and and beautiful stories.

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Laura Doyle: So it was a bittersweet moment. It sounds like to realize that you’d maybe been doing some damage in a relationship, while you are trying, you’re just trying to get your needs met. Right, just trying. It’s now that baby and some appreciation and wanting to be seen and known. Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: But, but still hard. It sounds like to kind of look back and and and yet, as I think I hear some excitement in your voice about that moment.

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Laura Doyle: And then of course you did. You trying to become a coach, and now you are powerful coach, but take us back for a second. What did you start doing differently than what you had been doing

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Marissa : Yeah, so I think the biggest piece for me is because I was drowning in caring for my baby. As I started taking responsibility for my happiness and that was that was huge and logically I think with all my personal growth back. I’m like, I kind of knew that, but just something sunk.

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Marissa : When I had learned about it that I’m responsible for my happiness. He is not and so that began the biggest journey of

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Marissa : Really experimenting with doing less less jumping up the second my baby needed something less cleaning less laundry less everything and

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Marissa : And and what was beautiful. As I didn’t tell them what to do. I didn’t nag him. I simply honored MYSELF AND HE STEPPED UP. HE STARTED DOING MORE

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Marissa : And then also what I learned is appreciation and kind of dispel some myths, maybe about appreciation, because I think I would have thought finally he’s just doing what it should have been doing this whole

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Marissa : Time, but I thought, well, let’s experiment with this. Let’s show some appreciation

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Marissa : And hit the more the more I appreciated him. And the more I honored me by doing less just the more he continued to step up and step up and step up.

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Marissa : And I think to the appreciation I countered, maybe some of that guilt because

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Marissa : This was new. And it’s interesting as change happens. It’s like these new feelings of rise. I went from hating him to then feeling guilty, which is like, well, that doesn’t make sense.

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Marissa : But it would show up. And once I started appreciating him the guilt really diminished. It was because he seemed like he wanted to be appreciated. I wanted to be taken care of. So like magic. It’s like I have the king.

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Laura Doyle: Oh my gosh. So, so you did struggle with feeling guilty. So you’re letting the laundry pile up. You’re letting dishes pile up. Maybe you’re letting your daughter cry or I mean these are challenging things for a mom.

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Marissa : Well, I think. I don’t even think it was that I think it was that I’m on the couch.

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Marissa : And he’s in the kitchen doing dishes. It was like, whoa. Can I really do this. That’s

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Marissa : That was kind of a guilt. The guilt of the not doing the laundry. Like, I don’t care. It really was like, Wow, can I do this. And then once I appreciated him somehow it shifted it shifted me and it shifted him.

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Marissa : Well, since that guilt. Never was there, like he wasn’t feeling

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Marissa : He wasn’t keeping score the way

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Laura Doyle: Right.

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Marissa : Right, right. So,

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Marissa : He wasn’t resentful towards me.

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Laura Doyle: But he didn’t know what the score was

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Laura Doyle: Even though you kept telling him. So is there a moment. We said, wow, this, this is really working. I mean, you’re laying on the couch is pretty good moment. But are they are the things that happened along the way. On your journey that made you think

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Marissa : Yeah, so I do. I remember, um, you know, besides now that I’m I’m relaxed and I

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Marissa : Yeah, I just feel more balanced. I feel more free I’m lighter I’m happier. So then I could kind of take it. So in some new levels of intimacy, if you will. And I also remember learning about

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Marissa : That he wants to make me happy. Right. He really wants to make me happy that, to be honest, this was kind of news to me. I didn’t

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Marissa : I really didn’t kind of I didn’t think in like okay let’s test this out.

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Marissa : So we are at the mall and it’s the week before Mother’s Day, and I’m just having fun with it. So we, we go buy a jewelry store that I’m pretty fond of and

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Marissa : Where we keep going because we’re going to go to this little indoor playground for my daughter, but I just get on my phone. And I’m like, let’s take a look at some of the jewelry that might be at this jewelry store.

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Marissa : And again I’m just light and free and the spirit and let’s just experiment with it and I found these earrings that I thought were pretty and they were

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Marissa : I was touching myself because I think I think for Mother’s Day, I would have just settled for maybe he’ll get me a card. Maybe he’ll get me flowers. Finally, stretch myself to

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Marissa : Share with them. So all I did is I showed him my phone and I just said I really want this is all that I said, and he’s behind me, because I’m it’s like a circle and I’m watching my daughter who’s behind me. Well, unbeknownst to me, he is on his phone and he is looking for

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Marissa : These earrings. And what I love is that not only did he have to get it to different stores like two different locations to find these areas which I was just kind of like experimenting with

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Marissa : But he could not wait until Mother’s Day, it was Wednesday night he comes and says, Can I give you your Mother’s Day gift he was beaming and I opened it up and it’s these earrings that again to me, we’re a bit extravagant for Mother’s Day, but oh my gosh, it was just like wow

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Marissa : This is working and he just wants to make me happy he’s beaming and I’m beaming and like, How good can you stand it. Right.

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Laura Doyle: How good can you stand it. So this was an exercise for you saying that you wanted these areas that you want it okay that you wanted to have them.

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Laura Doyle: And then so you got something you got such a glimpse of that his desire to want to make you happy, and how excited he was and and so so and then it’s almost like well what was standing in the way before

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Laura Doyle: Yeah.

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Marissa : Had inside about. Yeah, it sounds like yeah yeah that I got in my own way. Basically, that’s all he wanted. In fact, um,

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Marissa : Yeah, so I’ll share another little story because this is all he ever wanted. And I had and I haven’t attacked like he he. Yeah, anyway. So, so my birthday was was recent Lee and

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Marissa : This kind of stuff just happens all the time now, but I’m still blown away. So my birthday.

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Marissa : Was a couple weeks ago and he surprised me. The night before with Disneyland annual passes on here in California were local and it was for me for him and my daughter and they come with a pretty hefty price tag and

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Marissa : I just, you know, now I know like he just wants to make me happy. This is definitely something I wanted and it definitely surprised me. And he did this a week ago on my birthday.

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Marissa : Well, the morning on my birthday, and they were all I’m already like, this is fantastic. And we’re going to go that he goes to run an errand.

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Marissa : comes home. He has flowers in his hand a balloon a lot, say, a card. I can’t talk for me and my daughter.

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Marissa : And I just blown away. And again, he’s beaming and he’s happy and I’m happy and feeling cherished. And so fast forward to like the Monday after all the events are happening and thanksgiving was in there and I I thanked him, um,

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Marissa : I kind of wrote this down. Today I shared with him I how love I felt after all the things he did for my birthday. And this is what he wrote, gosh, it just touches me. He said, I’m glad you can see how much I love you and and the light bulb was like this is all he ever wanted.

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Marissa : It was just love that tech city San because that’s all they ever wanted. And now it’s like we have these exchanges, all the time, like, well, this will make me happy is like, okay, here it is.

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Laura Doyle: I love it. I think that’s what every woman dreams of. And I remember I got to see a picture of you on your birthday at Disneyland and you were beaming you’re wearing a tiara, and I’d actually love to show that picture I share it in the show notes if

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Laura Doyle: With you. So, see what your life looks like post intimacy skills, but I think one thing, everybody’s probably still interested to know is, what about the help with your daughter.

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Marissa : Oh gosh, yeah. So I sleep in. And there’s so many things I could say about it that I’m I’m even like shocked at some of the things he does you know he does the homework on with our daughter, um,

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Marissa : It’s just, it’s just endless and, you know, and it’s funny because you asked me, and it’s kind of like

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Marissa : I can’t quite pinpoint but you know why. It is because I don’t keep score. There’s no that’s and that’s the bottom line. It’s like I like yes he does so much

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Marissa : And I don’t think I even if you asked me, like, how much do I do like, Well, you know, it’s like it’s like I just don’t keep score. You know, things get done.

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Marissa : I’m and I’m sure we both do a lot, you know, being parents and maintaining a house and everything that needs to get done, but I just don’t keep score and that’s the beauty of it and

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Laura Doyle: And sounds like you don’t need to keep score because it no longer feels like it’s totally unfair.

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Laura Doyle: Yeah yeah yeah yeah so so it feels fair and it feels like you’ve created this incredible

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Laura Doyle: Intimacy in your relationship, what, what’s your tip for a woman who’s feeling like you did where she’s just drowning. She’s feeling alone in a relationship.

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Laura Doyle: And it’s causing all this conflict and strife and she’s now wanting to feel like the Princess and the tiara on her birthday, who gets the latte, and the card and the balloon and the dizzy tickets and your husband just wants her to feel that what what’s your tip for her.

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Marissa : Let’s see, just one set upon. Um, I guess. I mean, it’s going to be like, you know, picking up the book and joining this community. But if I had to narrow it to a tip you know taking taking responsibility for her happiness and

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Marissa : Just kind of

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Marissa : Letting go of maybe all the things that she’s buried with and doing. I think it sounds so simple and so I mean it really is more. I mean it is simple. Um, but for me I just, I really needed the support at this community and it really to me is almost like a language that I needed to learn

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Marissa : Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: You know, I’m so grateful for you, sharing about the struggles. These are easy things to talk about. They’re not as hard to go back to the old days, especially when you’ve come all the way through.

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Laura Doyle: And you’re now living with a different reality, but I just appreciate you being so authentic about its pain that you’re having in your family. What, what makes you willing to share that

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Marissa : Gosh, I know I’m all alone and you know I’m aware of the divorce rates and even those that are still married. How many are unhappy. How many are in secret about it.

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Marissa : And yeah, I just, I want to reach a woman who who feel similar and, you know, and my heart goes out to moms in particular that are drowning and

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Marissa : What it is to be a mom and

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Marissa : And I just I can’t, I can’t even I still like I can’t believe this is our marriage. That’s so great and that he’s stepping up as a father and ways in ways I just couldn’t have imagined.

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Marissa : Um, yeah. So I just, I know not alone. And, and I want to reach as many women as I can to have to what, how would I have to know what’s possible and that there is a way. There is a key that I’m just ignites him and will ignite you

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Laura Doyle: And even with all the self development that you did merge your training to be an empty that it wasn’t available to you. It sounds like until yeah yeah

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Marissa : Yeah, it’s, it’s, I it was eye opening

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Marissa : Yeah, it’s crazy. Um, yeah, just all the all the myths that are out there about how you know communication is needed.

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Marissa : You know that the the couples need to get together and talk about their homes versus personal responsibility and personal growth. And I just, I didn’t, I didn’t realize I didn’t realize the air in my ways, like you said, Even as a therapist even somebody who’s had a ton of personal growth.

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Laura Doyle: Well, I just want to thank you for coming on and sharing your courageous story so authentically so honestly it’s very relatable. I’m sure you inspired a lot of people today. So thank you so much.

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Marissa : Oh, my pleasure.


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