003: Top 10 Ways to Control Your Husband

LISTEN TO THE SHOW:

Have you ever tried to control your husband? Sometimes I’d sure like to!

These are the top 10 ways to control your husband and I’m here to tell you…none of them work.

Not one. Not the way I wanted them to. What did get me what I wanted in my marriage was so…unexpected. But worked soooooo much better than control.

My guest Dien took her 3-month-old baby, her passport and all the money she could and escaped.

But instead of leaving her marriage, her journey led to her fixing her relationship and making it magical.

She describes exactly how she did that.

The Worst Relationship Advice of the Week Award is something that most women think you SHOULD do to be a good wife, but it actually backfires and makes you into an annoying toothache of a wife.

YOU WILL HEAR:

  • What is underneath the urge to control, and what to do instead to get the outcome you’re wanting.
  • The moment my guest Dien realized she had to get away from her husband and what she learned when she tried to escape that changed everything for the better.
  • The #1 techniques she used to teach him how to treat her.
  • Common relationship advice for being a “good” wife that will insult your husband and make him defensive.

FEATURED ON THE SHOW:

Grab your free copy of The Adored Wife Roadmap. It covers common mistakes that everyone seems to be making and lays out the pathway to becoming desired, taken care of and special in your relationship without his conscious effort!

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT:

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Laura Doyle: Alright my guest today is DN who gave up her whole life in Canada to move to England with her new husband, but soon found out

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Laura Doyle: He had lied about many things, and that he was a hoarder, and an insomniac and she took her three month old baby or passport all the money she could get her hands on, she began a journey.

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Laura Doyle: But instead of leaving her marriage. She not only fixed her relationship.

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Laura Doyle: She made it magical again today. She is a relationship coach who helps other women fix their relationships, even when it seems completely hopeless.

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Laura Doyle: And she’s here to tell you how she fixed her marriage and and give you some tips on how to fix yours again, welcome. Thank you for being on the Empowered wife podcast.

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Dien: Thank you so much, Laura. It’s such an honor to be here. Thank you.

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Laura Doyle: Will take us to the beginning of this story. It sounds impossible so far, but

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Dien: Let’s start at the beginning.

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Laura Doyle: What was it like

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In the bad old days.

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Dien: The battle days. Okay.

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Dien: Well, we just got married and we decided that I would move over from Canada to England, and he had promised that he would find a house for us.

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Dien: So that we could start our new life. When I as soon as I arrived in England and I arrived in England to find out that he was still living in his house share with five other people and he gave me. And he was so proud. He was like Dan I’ve cleared up a drawer for you.

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Dien: And I remember just putting my emptying my suitcase of stuff and putting it into this one drawer that he cleared out for me and I just couldn’t believe in that moment, I’d given up everything I’d give it up my career.

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Dien: You know, living I gave up living in a beautiful city in Toronto that absolutely love I gave up my family and friends and all my musicians around me.

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Dien: I gave up living near the lake and cycling every day, just like I was so happy in Canada, and I thought I was going to be happier with my husband and our new marriage and starting our life together.

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Dien: And I just started crying so much I found myself crying in the shower, a lot so that

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Dien: He wouldn’t hear me crying and then

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Dien: I would come out, he would look at my puffy eyes, and I would just, I would just lie and say, well,

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Dien: Some soap, shampoo, God into my eye.

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Dien: But that’s how depressed. I got, I just got to a point where this was this was

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Dien: A nightmare for me.

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Dien: That I found myself in the suburb.

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Dien: Somewhere in this

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Dien: Outside of a city that I didn’t really know which he had said was close to London, he had said it was an hour away from London. And I thought, sure. I can do an hour commute into London because I work in London and London’s a vibrant exciting city.

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Dien: But what he didn’t tell me was that the suburb that we lived in was an hour away from the train station so it’d be like a two hour commute for me to get to London.

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Dien: So I didn’t

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Dien: I just didn’t know what to do. And I found out, then that my husband was working really late

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Dien: And he was going out three nights a week he had committed to doing badminton on a Tuesday.

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Dien: Football on a Wednesday and then bluegrass at a local pub on Thursdays and that you know. And so I went to see him for three nights out of the week and I just couldn’t imagine how this was going to work out. I just thought

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Dien: HE’S STILL SO IMMATURE. He’s living his life as a bachelor, and I’ve joined him as his wife and he’s not even making an effort

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Dien: That was I just felt that every day. And so here I was opening this drawer and getting so mad every morning. Every time I open this one door that belongs to me when I thought I had a whole life back in Canada. Why did I give it up for this man.

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Laura Doyle: Yeah, it sounds awful. Like I can you must have felt very trapped and tricked and that

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Dien: I felt yeah yeah I felt trapped. I felt tricked. And I felt like he really was such a liar. He was such a liar. He, he said that he was going to get rid of all his stuff.

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Dien: But he actually just kept hoarding and so he was this hoarder that held on to all these boxes. So I was living in this one room where I had one drawer and everywhere around me was his boxes.

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Laura Doyle: Wow.

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Dien: And and the promise that he gave me was, he was keeping all these things in these boxes for when we moved into our new home that he would unpack them.

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Dien: And Laura we stayed in that house share for about three months.

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Laura Doyle: It sounds rough awful. Was there a moment when you said okay

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Laura Doyle: I can’t go on like this.

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Dien: It was it came out daily like I can’t believe I did this, I can’t believe my life is like this, but there was a real moment where I thought, that’s it. I cannot stay. I cannot keep going like this and that was

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Dien: When we had our baby. So we had already moved out of this House, Sharon, we were in our own house.

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Dien: And I had called him.

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Dien: About I called him about something that he hadn’t done for me. And he had promised that he was going to do it for me. And that was, that was just the norm now he was saying he was going to do something for me. And he never did it.

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Dien: And so I was calling him to just let him have it like to let him know how angry I was and how disappointed I was in him and how he was just like he was just a loser. He was just failing at like in this marriage for me.

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Dien: And so I called him up and I was yelling into the phone and he wasn’t even saying anything. There was no response on his end and it was just getting me more angry and

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Dien: I was like, what aren’t you gonna say anything. And he just there was silence and he said dn.

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Dien: You’ve called me at work.

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Dien: I had to leave the office because my colleagues could hear you yelling in the phone.

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Dien: I’m now in the car park, you know, hunched hiding between two cars and and I could hear him crying at that point.

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Dien: And I could hear them that he started sobbing and he said, I’m a grown man crying in a car park.

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Dien: I just

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Dien: Yeah, I can’t do this. I can’t go on and I just really thought you are just so weak.

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Dien: And I hung up the phone and I i remember i just started filling up the baby bag like with diapers and some clothes and and little onesies.

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Dien: For for my baby and I packed a bag for myself took my passport.

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Dien: Looked around for all the money that I could in the house and

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Dien: I’m getting out of here.

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Dien: And I left the house.

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Dien: And just before I turn the key to lock it.

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Dien: I thought, Oh, I’m getting I need something to read on this train journey like I’m getting out of here. But I want to at least enjoy the journey.

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Dien: And I went back, I went in. I went back into slide and I looked at the bookshelf and I sort of scanned and I thought, and my finger stopped at this one book which is the surrendered wife.

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Dien: By by Laura Doyle. And I thought, oh yeah, my husband gave me this book, you know, but eight years ago and he wanted me to read it. And he said, Yeah, and I think this would really

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Dien: This might help you, this might help us and he gave it to me and I was just angry at that point, I was like, I looked at the title. And I thought,

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Dien: Surrendered wife. How dare you. Yeah, I’m so angry and I read. I remember maybe reading I maybe got up to two chapters.

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Dien: And I just thought, forget it. I am not doing this. I’m not surrendering anymore. You know, he can put all the blame on me. And I just, I put the book down and never picked it up again.

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Dien: Until until this moment that I wanted something to read. So I quickly grab the book, put in my bag. And I went on a train and I just started calling my friends like I had a few friends in England, and I just start calling them saying, I need somewhere to stay. Can I come, can I come to you.

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Dien: And so there was a friend of mine at the other side of England.

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Dien: And I went, I just took my baby and I I left him.

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Dien: And I went to my friend’s house and I was there for just over a week and you know my my newborn baby sleeping a lot. So I had a lot of time on my hands and I found myself sitting on the sofa.

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Dien: And I started reading this book, and this time I got past the two chapters and I was into the third and the fourth and I thought

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Dien: This person whoever’s, you know, Laura. She’s got she’s got a good story. And I wonder if she’s able to turn her marriage around, you know, from

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Dien: From it being so hopeless. And I felt like I was in that situation, I felt like and what am I doing with my life. Like, I’ve given up everything in Canada and now I’ve got my baby with me. What am I going to do, where am I going to go

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Dien: And I just knew I didn’t want people to ask me what happened.

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Dien: I didn’t want any of my friends in Canada or my family in Canada to go what happened like I thought he was the guy you gave up all of this to go to him. And now you’re coming back and I just

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Dien: Okay.

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Dien: Why don’t I just try one of the exercises. One of the things that glorious recommending in this book, which was

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Dien: Write a gratitude list of the things that you can be grateful for about the things that your husband has done. And sure enough, it was really difficult because I’m still really angry. I was really hurt. And so I just wrote down. Well, at least he gave me one drawer.

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Dien: At least you know and that’s where I started off with that. And I thought, okay, well, he does. He does spend the weekend with us.

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Dien: We did move. And so I made I started writing down a list. And in the beginning. Yes, it was a resentful list like it was

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Dien: It felt like pulling teeth out because I really wasn’t in that grateful place, but by the end of it. I, I was so surprised. I was shocked. I actually could see that I had married a good guy.

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Dien: And somewhere along the way, something went wrong and I just didn’t know what and so I continued reading the book. I was like, I’ve got to figure out what Laura did. What did she, you know, what did she do to save her marriage and to make it wonderful

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Dien: And this time I thought I finished the book.

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Dien: And this is the book that my husband recommended I read and I didn’t even read it the first time, this time I finished the book.

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Dien: And I read it the second time I read it again sitting on the sofa at my friend’s house and I thought, I’m going to do everything that Laura says in this book. I’m going back to my husband, and I’m going to try and part of me wanted to say that I tried everything.

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Dien: So if I was going to leave my husband. I wanted, I wanted to know, I tried everything. And even with Laura’s advice. I tried her advice and if it didn’t work. I felt like okay I can leave my husband and that will be okay.

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Laura Doyle: You’ll have permission, then

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Laura Doyle: Cuz I’ve proves here’s just a loser.

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Laura Doyle: Yeah, yeah. He was the problem. Okay. Oh, I love it so alright so what happens, you have your gratitude list.

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Dien: I had my gratitude list and I it was like a little notepad that I had. And it was filled up now. So I had it in my pocket. And I remember I went back home. I went back to him. And I thought, I’m going to

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Dien: You know, hold on to this to this. I’m going to keep writing it, and I’m going to really look i’m going to do what she says look for the evidence. I’m going to really look for the evidence that he’s trying that he’s not a loser that that he does love me that he’s worth staying for

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Dien: Or that he was worth me coming all this way to be with him. So I started to just look for evidence and

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Dien: And I told myself that if I if I felt like running away again if I felt like this isn’t worth it. He’s, he’s really not worth it.

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Dien: My first thing to do is to grab on to that gratitude list and to sort of check off like is this still true, is the still untrue and and to work through each gratitude first work who eat evidence and say, has he failed.

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Dien: Before I walk away again.

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Dien: And then the next thing that I did was I dived into self care.

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Dien: And this was something that I i could see I I neglected being wanting to come and be his wife and be the perfect wife. I put my husband. First I did everything that I thought a good wife shit.

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Dien: And and then being a new mom again. I was doing everything that I thought I needed to do for my baby and i i i was Last on the list.

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Dien: And so I started very small with self care. I started with just brushing my hair every day.

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Dien: And I remember I would carry a brush around with me for the moments that I felt sad.

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Dien: Because I still did get those, you know, really sad moments where I thought

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Dien: I’m really trying. I’m really trying to save this marriage. I don’t want it to fail, but it’s it’s just hard.

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Dien: And and then I would brush my hair and almost feel like get the tear, get the the negative energy. Get that sad energy out. And I would start to feel better and sometimes he would only just take 90 seconds.

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Dien: So at one time I actually did a stopwatch. And I was like, it really does take 90 seconds for me to go from feeling really sad.

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Dien: To feeling hopeful again.

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Dien: And that was with a 92nd brushing my hair. Another self care. I did, which I which I really loved was just taking my taking my baby out into the park.

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Dien: And blowing bubbles.

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Dien: And so I could see his eyes sort of light up like following the bubbles and then I just really felt like I’d gone back into this this fun like

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Dien: Playful person again like just blowing bubbles being so carefree seeing when one would pop as I started to just do very simple everyday self care.

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Dien: And then I pushed myself. I was like, Well, I want to do. I want to be extravagant and go get my hair wash the buy new clothes and just to really indulge in like, Wow, this would make me feel so crazy. And it’s only for me and then I started coming home or my, my husband started coming home.

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Dien: To a wife. That was like really happy and I was smiling more. And actually, he still doing the exact same thing. He still had his three nights out a week.

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Dien: I he still went out for badminton football and bluegrass and I was I was happy.

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Dien: And so I knew that something had shifted in me.

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Dien: Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: And how did that did it impact your relationship. At that point, or

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Dien: It did. It did so I found that my husband was one, he was smiling more at me, he was grabbing me in the kitchen. Just like if I was cooking or

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Dien: And one morning I woke up and he’s, he would always make me my coffee like the Italian

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Dien: Be a lady espresso on on the on the hub. And one morning I woke up and my coffee was there already made and and it had a love note on it.

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Dien: And the love note was, you know, I mean, he’s given me so many now so I’m sort of amalgamating them, but it was just like, I love you so much, baby.

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Dien: With all my heart which steps to take so grateful that you’re here with me or I love our life together. And it was just that, knowing that

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Dien: He was now completely back in the marriage or. That’s what I felt like he like there was nothing that I could point to, to say he’s

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Dien: You know he’s, he’s a loser. There is not there isn’t anything anymore and

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Dien: You know, and I think the the other biggest thing that that would crop up from time to time was that he suffered from insomnia. And so before whenever he had insomnia in period, I would just like the words that I use to describe him was like a he’s a jerk. He’s insensitive.

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Dien: You know he’s he’s inconsiderate. He’s mean and he’s like a zombie.

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Dien: And and then with the skills, especially expressing a desire, I started to see that my husband really was making an effort. So even when he was struggling with insomnia.

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Dien: He would really support me still with, you know, being a hands on parents or he still went to work and he paid for the the mortgages for the properties that we had

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Dien: And he was there trying to make all my dreams come true even when he was super tired, so I could see that, you know, even with his insomnia and with his hoarding they wasn’t going to break our marriage.

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Laura Doyle: This is the same guy. You were talking about earlier this

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Dien: Is the same guy that gave me one drawer.

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Laura Doyle: Oh, wow. So now you get a lot of love notes. I love that.

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Laura Doyle: Yeah, so, and what is your relationship like now.

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Dien: Now the relationships really strong. It’s really strong. It’s really fun.

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Dien: It feels really secure for me and it feels like he’s really engaged. He’s really

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Dien: You know, once he when he says he’ll do something. I just trust that he’ll do it. So for me it just feels like

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Dien: I feel connected. I feel like we’re a team, we’re working together and that he really gets me

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Dien: And I know it’s I know I can be

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Dien: I can show up as my best self. Now, whereas before in the marriage. I was really

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Dien: There is an ugly. There is this ugly side to me that came out.

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Dien: And now she just she just doesn’t she doesn’t belong in this marriage.

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Laura Doyle: So she’s a true up

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Laura Doyle: I love that. No, I think that’s huge so well. And now, and now you’re a coach, right. So you help women who also have a hopeless loser pants husbands are

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Dien: impossible situations you and

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Laura Doyle: What I mean what’s, what’s your best tip for somebody who’s really feeling like she’s in your situation where she’s getting one drawer. He’s breaking all his promise.

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Laura Doyle: And now he’s a guy that that keeps those promises. What, what’s your tip for her.

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Dien: Am I

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Dien: My first tip is to really, really step into gratitude.

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Dien: And I call it the looking at the ordinary as extraordinary

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Dien: As as an easy way in. So looking really at the everyday things that’s right in front of you. So for me it was, I have my coffee every day. Wow. Isn’t that extraordinary

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Dien: That there’s sun.

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Dien: There’s sunshine that I’ve got clean water. So really looking at the things that are already there that I just take as ordinary as as my baseline and really celebrating it and being like, it’s so extraordinary I’ve got this in my life.

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Dien: And then to be able to see to to then pass it on, or extended to my husband. So the ordinary thing was the he was coming home every day.

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Dien: The ordinary thing was that he we had, we were sleeping in the same bed.

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Dien: The ordinary thing was that he would come home and he would say, Hey, baby. What’s for dinner.

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Dien: And isn’t that all extraordinary that he sleeps in the same bed with me. He comes home. We’ve got a house he pays the mortgage. He goes to work. I mean, all of that was so extraordinary

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Dien: And so that’s my biggest tip as as the first tip to really start to generate you know that from the feeling of lack to wow, I’ve got this. I’ve got so much to be grateful for.

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Laura Doyle: I love it. You call that an easy in, and I couldn’t agree more. Sounds and it was so powerful for you. You just use just a book just the surrendered wife.

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Laura Doyle: To really save your marriage, while you were gone for that week. And this is the skill. The first skill that you applied in your marriage and that got you back to where you were. It gives you a platform to start from

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Dien: Yes.

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Laura Doyle: To create all that you’ve created now.

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Dien: Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: Yeah. And if you could go back and talk to yourself in the battle days. What would you say what do you know now.

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Dien: What I know now what I know now that I would say to her, I would say.

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Dien: It’s gonna be okay.

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Dien: Again, it’s okay.

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Dien: It’s gonna work out.

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Laura Doyle: But he only gave me one door.

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Dien: And they gave you one your i mean i’m really

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Dien: Thinking about, you know, because at that at that time, I would just have been filled with tears. So going back to that old DN is really just

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Dien: Wrapping up in a blanket and say it’s going to be okay. And you’re going to meet all these inspiring women who also felt like their marriage was a failure. And this is how they

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Dien: Changed it, this is how this is what they did. This is and they’re really practical easy steps.

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Dien: And they’re fun, you’re going to enjoy this journey like this there’s, you know, you’re going to see. And so the talking back to the DN is like

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Dien: Okay, so you’re going to go into that shower today TN and you’re not going to cry. You’re going to see, you’re not going to cry because you’re going to be in gratitude.

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Dien: And and then really I’m holding her hand and saying we’re going to do this together. And if you and if you feel like you want to run away again.

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Dien: You know, this is a safe place. So you can come here and say I done it again. Or I feel like I can’t do this. And it’s okay.

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Dien: We’re gonna work through this together because you really got this we’re gonna look at all the ordinary things and make it super extraordinary and your marriage is going to be another extraordinary thing that you can really celebrate

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Laura Doyle: I love that. And speaking of celebrating the extraordinary kind of springing this on you, but if I know you help a lot of women with their relationships. And I’m wondering if you have a story. Something you’ve heard recently from a client that inspired you.

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Dien: every session that I have with a client inspires me. I mean, these every client comes with such courage such such a strong desire and commitment to save their marriage.

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Dien: And for me, it’s like it’s it to speak so much they’re they’re wanting to show up better to show up as their best self to to a higher dignity to to save their family to see their children be happy.

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Dien: You know, so it’s always inspiring, but the one that that I absolutely love is

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Dien: Where

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Dien: That I really take comfort in a lot is a woman who really felt like her husband that they weren’t going to make him. He had an affair. He already moved out of the house.

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Dien: He was still with the other woman.

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Dien: And she started applying the skills and her her one tip or her one thing to really focus on was to smile was just whenever she was with him was to smile and

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Dien: And after four months.

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Dien: Of working with the skills. Laura, he came home.

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Dien: He left the other woman, he’s back in the marriage, he’s back in the head, the children have their father again she she has never looked back. And she now smiles, all the time.

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Dien: Just

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Laura Doyle: So just remember, smiling.

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Laura Doyle: Well, and working those skills, she got her husband back from another woman and restarted.

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Dien: Yes, yeah.

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Dien: Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: Yeah, and I know that the things we talked about today and just having to go back and talk about the problems you had in your marriage, the ones that

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Laura Doyle: The problems that were so embarrassing. You didn’t want to have to go back to Canada and have people say what happened right but here you are sharing them with us and just really going public. And I, I just have to ask why. Why would you be willing to do that.

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Dien: Ah, for me, it’s such an honor and a privilege to know that all my mistakes all my ear like freak out and crazy DN she’s off on it again off on one, again, that, that, that those that my experiences can help another woman.

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Dien: Save her marriage. For me, it’s we’re telling these stories and putting myself out there.

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Dien: Yeah, and to know that to know that I’m saving a marriage and saving and keeping a happy family. For me, it’s just such a privilege. It’s such an honor.

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Dien: To know that I’m making a difference for women and and seeing how much they gain from when they come in.

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Dien: The risk of everything that they’re going to lose.

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Dien: In the end, they’re just trying really hard to hold on to. And with each skill. They then gain the confidence they then start to find themselves. They then start to really enjoy life.

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Dien: They’re, you know, they’re like loving their, their new best self, and then they find Wow, my husband can’t get enough of me and that’s it. Those moments like when she comes onto the call that I just like so delicious. Tell me more so juicy.

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Laura Doyle: Is so gratifying and you are taking maximum joy from saving all these marriages from ending world divorce, I can just hear it in your voice and it’s super

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Laura Doyle: Inspiring. And I think I know there’s a woman out there who’s just probably feeling a lot of hope right now that she didn’t have before she heard

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Laura Doyle: Your amazing story. Deanna and so it is incredibly valuable and worthwhile that you share these things. Thank you for coming on today and sharing all the good, bad, the ugly and and just the transformation that’s possible. You’re just amazing.

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Dien: Thank you so much, Laura. Thank you.


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