How to Put an End to Your Husband’s Affair and Get Him Back for Good
One of the awesomest things about being a relationship coach for over 16 years is that I’ve had the privilege of watching thousands of relationships transform from broken and hopeless to vibrant and connected.
My clients often come to me after a stint of marriage counseling (which I don’t recommend for these reasons) or a big crisis: They’re separated, or one of them has filed for divorce or is threatening to.
As kooky as it sounds, I get excited when a wife calls with such a crisis because I know we’ve got the goods for her. We have a proven method to fix her relationship and become a happy wife, and it’s worked for thousands of women.
We show her how to stop the divorce and get back to the important business of holding hands, laughing together and enjoying emotional and physical intimacy with the man she married. She regains her dignity, her confidence and her joi de vivre.
I get the privilege of seeing relationships heal completely from those kinds of crises every day around here and it never gets old. It’s always moving.
But what about an affair? Can you recover from an affair?
When a woman calls and says her husband is having an affair, she always wants to know: Is it possible to save this marriage? And is it even worth it? Should I even want him back?
Sometimes a good man has an affair as an inappropriate response to years of being deprived of oxygen in his marriage.
And by oxygen, I mean respect.
That doesn’t make it okay. It doesn’t make it her fault. That doesn’t make it less devastating.
His wife didn’t mean to be disrespectful. She didn’t even realize she was being disrespectful.
Maybe she rolled her eyes when he said he wanted to start his own business or interrupted when she thought he was being too harsh with the kids or told him to call a plumber when he wanted to fix the toilet himself. There was the day she threw out his threadbare jeans (his favorite) and told him not to take more than $40 out of the ATM. She joked about how she had three kids—meaning the two children and him.
It was death by a thousand little cuts.
With the supply of oxygen in the marriage dangerously low, any man is going to be inordinately susceptible to the attention of a woman who is respectful. Maybe an admiring co-worker says to him, “You did a great job on that presentation,” or “can I get your feedback on my project?”
Suddenly he feels needed and smart—the very feelings that attracted him to his wife initially. Because he’s been low on oxygen for such a long time, it’s very tempting to take a long, deep breath.
It’s not fair, and it’s his wife’s fault. But as a mere mortal man, a husband who has endured years of disrespect is highly vulnerable to an affair.
What I’ve been privileged to witness is that even if your husband is having an affair, your marriage can not only be saved it can be great again—playful, light, fun, easy and passionate. You have so much power to get him back all to yourself for good and enjoy your birthright of being desired, cherished and adored by the man you married.
That doesn’t mean it isn’t ridiculously painful, disappointing and infuriating. Discovering there’s a breach in your marriage causes a rollercoaster of emotions. Mostly, it’s incredibly hurtful, even if he didn’t mean to hurt you.
But here’s what I know is possible for you: Not only can a wife save her marriage from an affair, she can use her influence to draw her husband back to her and dump the mistress.
We even have a saying about it: A wife with Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays.
In other words, wives have more power than mistresses. Always. I’ve seen it over and over again. If she uses her influence wisely, she wins every time.
How do we have more power? For one thing, he made a bigger commitment to you.
He married you in front of God and everybody. He’s only having a fling with her. Who knows how long that will last? He built his real life with you and all the things that hold your lives together are still there—kids, cats, inside jokes, assets and years of shared experiences.
He can’t marry the mistress because he’s already married to you. Even though he’s not honoring his vows, that commitment is powerful relationship glue–if you want it to be.
The other way you’re going to have more power is because you’ll have The Six Intimacy Skills.
Mistresses don’t have good Intimacy Skills. They wouldn’t have picked someone else’s husband if they did.
Of course, you feel betrayed and furious at him. Naturally, it’s tempting to let him have it and tell yourself that since you’ve been wronged, the only self-respecting thing to do is walk away. Let her have him.
But as much as you hate her (and I hate her for you), a mistress can create urgency for practicing The Six Intimacy Skills that turns everything around. The affair is the breakdown before the breakthrough—bringing your attention to the part of your life that’s on fire and most needs your attention right now.
There are so many unexpected gifts that come out of turning your attention to your relationship, and risking everything to have the kind of marriage you dreamed you would have when you stood at the altar and said, “I do.” I can’t think of anything I’ve done in my life that was more worthwhile than learning how to have the kind of relationship I’ve always wanted.
For me, it all started with a crisis. I just didn’t want to be divorced. And since you’re still reading this, then it’s pretty clear you don’t either.
If you’re living with an affair, I invite you to get a private relationship coach who can walk you through to the part where you’re a happy wife again. Explore the possibility for your marriage—and get support with getting your husband to dump his mistress for good.
58 replies on “How to Put an End to Your Husband’s Affair and Get Him Back for Good”
Hi!
Do you have any recommendations for books that speak to a husband having/had an affair and they want out of our marriage, and disengaged with you and how to get him to come back around to working on the marriage?
Thanks!
Suzy, if your husband had or is having an affair, that sounds so painful and heartbreaking. I remember when my husband was disengaged with me and how lonely and scary that was. So I would love to support you in getting him to come around to working on your marriage.
I invite you to join me and a whole community of like-minded women for the 5-Day Adored Wife Challenge. You can sign up today for FREE right here.
I can’t wait to see you there starting August 19th!
This is my life right now. I have listened to so many of your podcasts. I keep reading…I have been strong and am working hard to put oxygen back in to our relationship….but man…it’s hard. I feel like I am already failing. I haven’t said anything about the affair since finding out….but he texts her all the time (I ask and he admits)…and I feel so helpless and hopeless.
Lana, that is so hard. I can see why you’d feel helpless and hopeless–I remember feeling the same way. I’m sad you feel like you’re failing too, when you deserve a medal for being so strong! Please bring this to your next call with me in the Ridiculously Happy Wife and to all the coaches on your group calls and in our private online community in the meantime. I can’t wait to see you.
I love the idea of being “The Goddess of fun and light” but let’s be real, I’m not the new toy in the toy box. He said he was bored and lonely. I’m doing all the things I can, but when you have a fun new toy dangling in front of you it’s more tempting. How do you compete with that? I can tell him every day with SFP that I trust him and know he is loyal to me, I can flirt with him, boost his ego and even say “ouch” when he hurts me, but at the end of the day, it’s his choice if he still wants to play with others. Like an alcoholic might occasionally have a beer or become a moderate drinker but never fully give up alcohol. Affairs are like a drug to them, it’s forbidden, it makes them feel good and the temptation to do it is strong. I love sugar, but I can go to a candy store and not buy any candy, others might not be able to control that.
Michele, it sounds scary to think there’s no hope. You shouldn’t be cast aside like an old toy or feel like you can’t compete–or that you’d have to compete the first place. That’s not right! As the wife, you have enormous power to save your relationship, in my experience.
Where do I find out about the 6 intimacy skills? I desperately love my husband and I want him to end his affair which he will still not own up to
Mrs. Theresa, That sounds painful and lonely! That’s not right. You can still be an adored wife with The Six Intimacy Skills. You can read all about them in the book The Empowered Wife or the Audio book First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors (same book!).
Hi Laura I found out my husband was having affair and I asked him to leave after 12 weeks the other women moved in with him i have wrote him 2 letters and he said he would write back but he didn’t he has blocked me from his phone and WhatsApp and wont talk to me we were married for 39 years and together for 42 year i am heartbroken and can’t get him out of my head is there any change of getting him back would love some advise please
My fiancé and I have been together for 6 months and have known eachother for 3 years. We went really fast through that part because he knew he wanted to be with me for at least 2 of those years, and knew he was in love with me during the last year. He was so gung ho about getting married and I asked him to pump the brakes a little. And ever since then I find that I’m asking to pump the brakes a little on so many things including our intimacy. I even went so far with some things out of fear that I basically just told him that I wasn’t going to be open to some things, as an immutable fact. I know now that I did a lot of disrespectful things out of fear that we might be moving so fast that we would miss out on the beauty of each stage and out of a little of feeling like there was a possibility that he might hurt me and I didn’t want to have dug myself so deep in without a way to get out if he hurt me. Now on his end he has been through some things in his previous marriage. He tells me constantly that his greatest fear is that he won’t be able to make me happy and that I will just up and leave him. However, I’ve found out recently that he’s been talking to other women online and even a time or two wanted to meet up with them, but never did. He knows that I know at least a little of what’s going on. Now I’ve just recently started practicing the things you’ve wrote about. Not being critical. Not inserting my two cents. Not mothering. I just bought your books as well. The thing I’m struggling with is this. We are in counseling because he asked for it. And during our last session he mentioned that he does feel like things are getting better and yesterday I felt even on a roll because what little I’ve learned in how to had him issue an actual apology for something small that he has done a thousand times before. It’s a rocky road and I’m still learning a lot. However, I know he’s still doing it. I’ve learned to recognize the cues that he is. So every time I see those cues it brings me crashing right back down to not wanting to work on this thing.
So I’ve been married for almost 6 yrs. We have 6 children together and my husband has never physically cheated on me but has a major problem with talking to other women. Old lovers, online dating sites. Most recently he had asked an old flame if she’d like to meet up at go eat or something. She told me everything. He says he hates being controlled. That I monitor everything he does and it makes him feel like a prisoner. That he feels like he doesn’t know if we should be together anymore.
last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, It was the greatest shock of my life.
Kesha, That sounds heartbreaking! It’s just not right, is it? Fortunately, There is plenty you can do to rewrite the story and give it a happy ending. Did you get your FREE Adored Wife Roadmap yet?
https://lauradoyle.org/rm1o/
Get a coach so you can stop feeling shocked, hurt and scared and start feeling desired, special and taken care of!
I’m pleased I found your site. I have been trying to make sense of my marriage of 33 years, and why my very loyal husband has been having an affair behind my back and is now living with the woman. I never in a million years would think he would do that to me. Now I know any man/woman can of the circumstances are right. Admittedly things have been rocky for the last 5 years, due to a combination of things affecting me. My father died, a grandchild was diagnosed as autistic, trying to get treatment for hypothyroid treatment which changes a whole person’s health and severe depression and anxiety on top of it. I feel he didn’t give me enough support in my health issues. This is an understatement. He has no insight into D&A or hypothyroidism which had been an ongoing issue for 18 years after the birth of our last child. No Dr. believed there was anything wrong for all those years. This is where a lot of my anger and resentment came from, because I consulted a Natrophathic Dr and was finally treated and given medication, and all my symptoms disappeared. He was livid I went to a Natripath and didn’t trust my judgement and was extremely emotionally abusive about it.From then on because I was very hurt I would be short tempered with everyone. He left because of my depression and anxiety, part of which is his doing. My daughters found out he was having an affair and told me. Broken hearted dosnt cover it. I’m going to a physchiatrist and physcologist.
My husband cheating on me and I’m so depressed. I feel like cannot breath. Please help me
22 years married to my best friend & my soul mate. He was the most caring loving man, wonderful father to our 2 girls, great friend to all always helping this one and that one. I turned 50 this September (he’ll be 50 in May) our youngest girl graduated high school last June and our oldest girl had a baby a year ago. Basically our lives in the last year changed dramatically for the both of us. He was the “softball Dad” for many many years and now ….. not. It was very hard for him on the other hand I was fine (sort of) my “baby”was now grown and going off to college so I poured myself into being “grandma” my oldest girl needed me and I was everyday after work babysitting so my girl could still work then this summer (I’m a teacher) I had my glorious granddaughter all day all summer. Hubby helped me create a nursery in the spare bedroom!
I’m 50yrs old so yeah was I exhausted every day? YES but I loved every minute of it! In September I see some texts on his cell from a girl when I confronted him well…. that was the bomb drop. Girl is the SAME age as our oldest they actually went to high school together! I checked the cell records and low and behold 200~300 texts a day since July! Of course they’re ‘just friends ‘
Lots of arguments pleading etc he told me how great she was such a good person got her head on straight blah blah all the attributes he used to describe me as, then told me how I’d gotten fat, lazy ugly, don’t take care of myself etc.
I did some sole searching…. really thought about it…. he wasn’t wrong. I used to always do my hair & makeup(I was a hairdresser when we met) it was a big part of “me” I used to always wear pretty nighties…. I used to play music while cooking dinner. I couldn’t remember the last time I did these fun things.
So I changed BACK to me, the real me. You know what? I saw an immediate change in him, not fully but a change, he told mei was trying to hard… I told him to f#*k off! I’m dancing to music and wearing my silky nighties cuz it makes ME feel good! Ha ha anyways intimacy is WAY back couple times a week he’s not Mr Grumpy Pants anymore, I did theses changes before I read your book
I felt we still weren’t back to loving couple around Christmas so I bought your book Empowered Wife and I’m practicing the 6 skills and slowly it is working! I’m being as patient as I can, I’m ending all my control and I’ve been respectful
My question is: I still think he is in a mid life crisis (to which I contributed to) he’s obsessed with asking every girl he meets their age he’s bought a snow mobile, growing a goatee getting facials etc…. do you think it’s a midlife crisis that started this whole thing? Maybe was the straw that broke the camels back?
OMG this sounds just like my situation. I’d love to hear how you are doing now, all this time later?
Why is it that men have affairs for these reason while they are at the same time don’t contribute to the daily workload of the house & child care, act romantically towards their wives. All the reason they have the affair the wife would have the same reasons but usually do not. My husband is having an emotional affair and has told me if she will have him, he will leave us for her because we are so boring & she is FUN (we have 1 child). I went through cancer on my own while he hid, but demanded I pay attention to him. He wants someone to woo him, ooh and ahhh over him, but refuses to even lift a finger to reciprocate. I don’t want to split up but don’t know what to do. Sad, mad, scared, feeling like an ostrich.
Meaghan, it’s heartbreaking that your husband is talking about leaving you and your child, and has been so unsupportive on top of it. I would be feeling sad, mad and scared too. I love your commitment to keeping your family together.
I remember how angry and lonely I felt when, on top of having to do everything myself, my husband was retreating from me. Then I learned how to attract him back with the 6 Intimacy Skills. Now he is eager to make me happy and helps around the house every day.
I’d love to give you the tools to get the love and support you deserve. I invite you to my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
I’ve been married 31 years to my best friend I thought. Then one day I moved in my best friend. A month later i found out there where getting closer then there said. I thought about ending everything with my life. But got help. While I was in this state there moved in together. I want him back so bad he is my soul mate and the father of our 8 year old daughter. I know he just did this to prove something to himself and me. I need help please
Linda, I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. That sounds heartbreakingly painful. Your vulnerability and hope are beautiful.
I remember how hurt I was when my husband retreated from me. I learned how to attract him back to me with the 6 Intimacy Skills, and now we have the playful, passionate marriage I’d always wanted.
You can save your marriage. I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
There are so many relationships guide out there these days. I’ve read so many that I get confused! I have read “Surrendered Wife” and have just bought “Empowered Wife”.
Laura – in the case of affairs, whether emotional or physical – what do you think about advisers who say to go away on holiday or just go out a lot with your girlfriends? Getting a makeover, creating space all the way to China, showing him what he’s missing? That kind of thing?
I must say, though, your advice resonates with me. I should just implement it, I guess. What holds me back is I feel that doing what you say will turn me into a doormat and make him lose more respect for me. I guess that takes us back to allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.
I hear you, Millie! It is confusing to cut through all the advice to focus on what resonates with you. And it is scary to try something that might make you doormat material!
I felt the same way when I discovered the 6 Intimacy Skills. Becoming a doormat was definitely not a fit for me. But that’s how I felt when I was the one doing everything in my marriage and not getting my husband’s support, gratitude or respect. When I learned to focus on my own happiness with the 6 Intimacy Skills, I gained his respect. Not to mention the playful, passionate marriage I’d always wanted!
I would love to show you how to attract your man back without being a doormat (or having to go all the way to China)! I invite you to my upcoming Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I have been practicing the 6 intimacy skills for a few weeks now. Its hard as we are just so awkward with each other right now. He is having what appears to be an emotional affair. I have told him i do not expect him to cut off that friendship as its important to him. We have been getting along ok however i am just so sad about this so every few days i cry and we talk about it. He told me he wanted out of the relationship a month ago because i have been to hard to handle.told me about the feelings he is experiencing 3 weeks ago. Tonight he says he forgives me but why would i ever forgive him… I said i could it may not be an easy path but i love him and even though hes right here i miss him. He held me for a bit and let me cry.. I want to be that happy person but i feel so confused.
S, I’m sorry to hear he’s having an emotional affair. I can see why you’re feeling so sad and confused. I love your commitment and vulnerability, and I admire your willingness to forgive.
I get that it’s awkward for you to start practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills. I was so angry, I had to do a 180 to learn to make myself happy. The Intimacy Skills were a sea change from everything I was used to, but I’m so glad I persevered because my marriage has been healed, the trust restored, and now I get to feel cherished, desired and adored.
If I can do it, you can too! I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura thanks for the reply. I started to watch the webinar but had to stop. Thanks for telling me about it. So I have a question. Right now he’s not initiating much. I want to be fun again so im doing my own fun things for self care. But i do want to do things with him. Since wed i have not mentioned her( the other woman) or anything negative or anything to do with our relationship and he went from being cuddly with me( i had demanded it i guess kindly but still..) To turning his back to me. Hes spending lots of time with me including watching movies he literally just watched but he doesnt say much or initiate any affection. So on saturday i adked if he would want to go out for a bit. He pretty much made a i dont know gesture and then made a comment about the weather. I answered that and managed not to badger him for a reply about going out. Soon he came to me and suggested going out. This morning i did the same thing asked him to do something fun. Suggested something. We did some chores and then i said if you dont want to that fine too. So he said ok lets go… So my question. Is it ok for me to inititate kisses and hugs and doing things as long as i try my best to be respectful if the answer is no or i dont get anything back( such as a spontaneous hug etc). I want to him to see me as the girl he dated. And i used to be the one who suggested stuff back then. I know that he went out with the other woman and messaged her that she had fun… I dont want to try to hard and chase him away.
S, I love that you are focusing on your self-care, showing respect for his decisions and giving him the space to pursue you. That sounds very attractive and feminine to me! It sounds like it’s paying off. It’s great that he’s choosing to spend so much time with you!
I get that it’s still hard not to receive as much affection and attention as you’d like. I remember how lonely I felt when I wasn’t getting that from my husband. Practicing all 6 Skills attracted him back so I started feeling cherished, desired and adored, just like we were dating again.
I can’t wait for you to have that too! How would it fit for you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see how receiving more support from a coach would work for you? The call alone will bring you clarity. You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.
Hi Laura this is my second time typing this incase the original pops up.
I am not married but I found messages of my boyfriend texting his ex girlfriend she is also child’s mother. He said that he misses her and that he loves them, she sends him pictures of her and the child, he also said in a message that I stress him out and they he is in love with me. Once I found the messages I contacted the ex girlfriend and asked her what’s going on. She said that they are trying to be friends for their daughter because the child thinks they hate each other.
I asked her why are they saying they love each other via text and having conversations about stuff other than their child. She said the he told her he loves me and plan to marry me this year. ( Is she covering for him)
I myself believe they are having an emotional affair . I also believe that they know their relationship could never work ( They were together ten years had a child and he never married her they had a bad end per the both of them). But they miss each other idk
So My question is, is this something worth saving since he can not get rid of her fully or should I cut my losses?
He said he is going Friday to get a marriage license so we can marry , he also signed up for marriage counseling for this Friday. He claims this has always been his plan but I feel like he is trying to fix getting caught.
I think he does love me and he is trying but I think he still loves his ex which he denies but why text her that stuff?
Is he capable of being faithful yes, I believe he could but is he worth all this drama and we are not married?
Should I marry him?
Ms.S I can see why it was so hurtful to see that message from your boyfriend to his ex! It’s not a good feeling to know your man is telling another woman he loves her. Ugh! No wonder you’re questioning if this would be a good marriage. You haven’t said anything to make me think you couldn’t have a wonderful relationship with him for the rest of your lives, but I get that it doesn’t seem that way right now. I’d love to see you get your hands on the 6 Intimacy Skills, which will be so valuable for you. I lay them out step-by-step in my book, The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/
Thank you,
But what do I do about trust. How do we set boundaries with a women who he can never fully rid himself of?
I’m really mad and I want to leave but them he tries to get me to stay I am still very confused.
Ms.S I can see why you’re so mad and confused in this situation. I think it deserves a longer conversation. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches is right for you. You will get so much clarity from the call. You can apply here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
What I have is a 34 year marriage and I’m going to fight to get my husband back into my arms and bed. I’ve been reading all night about affairs, guilt, how to win your husband back. I’ve known for a long time something wasn’t right in our relationship. He stopped touching me, smiling, listening to me. I didn’t do anything about it until I started noticing his behavior. He has an iPad and iPhone and most recently a smart watch. He put a tracker on the iPad to find his phone, than he added his watch. Well one day I used his iPad and I noticed a compass app, so I pressed it and the next thing I know he wasn’t where is was supposed to be. I texted him and asked where he was at, his response was at work! Then I watched his phone start moving back towards his office. Well now he has his watch, the phone and watch were at two different locations. The watch was at the same location as the week before. Long story short I’m not giving him up and I’ve never mentioned it to him since he would never tell me the truth.
Tina, I admire your commitment being so unshakable even with this painful news! That takes courage and accountability, and you seem to have loads of both. Let me know how my team and I can support you in restoring your marriage to its original glory. That’s what we’re here for. You’ve got this!
I believe a man has an affair because he no longer respects or loves his wife. No matter what she does to change things the fact is he has fallen out of love, else he wouldn’t have had the affair. If he’s caught out he’ll work hard to get her back, but only because he wants to retain the lifestyle, the kids, doesn’t want the hassle of splitting up.
It annoys me you say “I hate her for you” about the other woman. People always blame the other woman. Perhaps all she did was fall in love, and fell for his promises of a future together, which he was too weak and scared to follow through.
The man is generally just a self centred attention seeking egotist who uses the mistress for his own ego stroke. She gives up everything for him and would happily plan a future with him.
How is she always painted as the bad guy ??
Amzeebee, If he fell out of love with his wife, then he can certainly fall out of love with the mistress (statistically, most do) and if the wife cleans up her side of the street, a new marriage can rise from the ashes and be better than it’s been for a long time. I see that happen all the time. An affair is often just a wakeup call that there’s something missing in the marriage, but it can be fixed. Mistresses are always on shaky ground as a result. He made a commitment to his wife in front of God and everybody–it’s not the same as sneaking around in secret with the other woman. I understand you have a different perspective. I believe that kids and grown ups and communities benefit from great marriages, and that’s why I work every day to help women revitalize their relationships. I agree that mistresses get caught up in the romance and aren’t trying to hurt anyone. I would love to see them get Intimacy Skills too so they could plan that beautiful future with a good man who is not already otherwise committed.
Laura,
I believe what you have said 100% to Amazeebee. The affair effects everyone. Its terrible. I believe I have a good guy or I did…..For 32 years he was faithful. I believe he can be again. But he doesn’t choose me. He has filed for divorce. I am just starting with a coach, but I am fearing I don’t have enough time and I don’t want a divorce. He is planning his new life without met. He is angry. He told me he didn’t love me and he told a friend he “loved the OW to death but he didn’t know if it would last because of the 15 year age difference”. I have been working on my SC and trying to make myself happy. I don’t have any interaction with him at all, so I don’t know how to work on any of the other skills, but I am going to try.
Tina, that sounds so painful. I have deep admiration for your courage and commitment to your marriage. I certainly did not feel cherished, desired or adored when I started surrendering. Once I started practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, I got back the wonderful man I married. Now that I focus on making myself happy, he chooses me again and again, wanting to be with me and make me happy too. I am standing for your vision of saving your marriage. A wife with the Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays! I love that you’re already getting support from a coach. For further support and hope, I invite you to watch my TV series Empowered Wives. It’s free if you’re an Amazon Prime member, or with a free 1-month trial of Prime, at https://goo.gl/iPPQZG. Episodes 6 (“Margee”) and 16 (“Karla”) may interest you in particular because they feature separated women using the Skills to get their husbands back.
Thank you so much Laura for all your advice and support..you are doing a wonderful job saving our relationships 🙂 It wont serve me at all to find out anymore intimate details..thank you..I needed to hear that. I really wanted to apply for your recent fantastic prize of attending your 3 day seminar in California but unfortunately cant afford the flights 🙁 will you ever arrange something similar in the UK?
NJB, Thank you! I can’t say for sure when I’ll be back in the UK, but I’ll be sure to let you know if I do cross the pond. Also, that was just a question–I didn’t know the answer, but you, as the expert on your own life, did.
He also has invited me to go and meet his friends, who will likely know all the details of their affair which I know nothing about..he didnt want to hurt me with details he said…so lied :/ but the some of them are helping him plan a holiday away for us on our own..1st time ever!! Things are so much better for our children and i dont want to ruin it..our eldest is getting married this year, our teenager is back on track after a long spell of depression and the youngest, who has learning difficulties, is only starting to adjust to a family environment without arguments..poor souls 🙁 my gut tells me not to trust him but since ive changed my behaviour, thanks to your skills, he is proving to be the good, hardworking, family man that I knew he could be…
NJB, Congrats on your success with improving your family and relationship! So great! I’m sorry to hear about the painful betrayal. It sounds like things have improved quite a bit. I’m wondering how it would serve you to find out more details of the betrayal? I know you can’t be sure that it’s over, and that’s difficult, but I can tell you that it is possible to restore your marriage to just two people using the Six Intimacy Skills and it sounds like you are on your way. You have so much at stake, I’d love to see you get support with that, as it can be very tricky to do by yourself. You might consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and figure out the best move you can make for your marriage. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I’ve forgotten how to flirt!! I feel uncomfy trying as it feels false/not me/scary..have you written a blog on this please? as I cant afford a coach unfortunately 🙁 our relationship is so much better thanks to your books..Im also desperate to ask him more details about his fling as he still has contact with friends of hers but dont want to ruin how far we have come since last year..our whole family dynamic is so much better and we are heading in not only a better material direction but spiritual one too..but does he still contact her? Bothers me alot sometimes and im scared to ruin what we have..will this constant doubting last forever? :/
Hi Laura. My husband & I started having issues 5 years ago. I didn’t realize how disrespectful I was with him in so many ways…. Verbally, kids, money, dream crusher, getting lazy, alcohol consumption, depression I sound terrible even to myself right now. Suddenly, he had a major life threatening accident. I woke up & realized what I could have lost, my husband!
I fell in love alllll over again & every ounce of disrespect and drinking and taking antidepressants (its in the genes) help nurse him back to health from wheelchair to walker to back again walking. He was going through a major crisis. Through it all, I felt a major emotional disconnection with him. I seemed to annoying to him. I felt terrible about myself. & scared beyond words now that I found new love with him he was no longer desiring me or cherished me. He had made an emotional connection with an ex coworker. He was confiding in her Of our problems. I know this because I had to snoop into his phone. He has always been loyal to me & never had a worry or self doubt. Until the bomb dropped… He told me he no longer loved me. That I only appreciated him due to the accident after 22years together. & admitted to me about the other woman, his “friend” I approached the other woman and talked to her until I finally heard her say “yes he will always love you but no longer in love with you, besides what do you expect, I’m a single woman” I was so angry as you can imagine. I didn’t yell at my husband I said he had to make a choice. I knew my worth, I will not beg… I said to him, the devil is dancing on our doorstep was he going to open the door?
he swore she was just a friend and not attracted to her. I’d really like to believe that. He’s since then blocked her phone number. And promise me he’s committed to our marriage. I remind myself daily there’s nothing I can do to stop him. Im only in control of myself and actions. He is coming around slowly, taking it one day at a time.
I have opened up to him vulnerability expressing my love for him. I don’t want to sound like I’m over pressuring him or manipulating him. I’m not sure if there’s a thin line of vulnerable & manipulation???? Sorry for this very long message just thought I’d share with all the ladies who may be on a similar path.
Thank you for putting together your SWEW program that I have joined. I look forward to hearing any feedback.
Estrella, Sorry to hear about the distress in your marriage. I hear you’re tremendous commitment to keeping your marriage together and I admire that very much. I hear that you went through a period where you were nursing him back to being himself. Hopefully you can be on the next Q&A call with me and we can talk in more detail about how to revitalize this marriage and make it amazing again. I think there’s a thin line between vulnerability and neediness, but if you are making yourself very happy and showing up smiling, that’s the Estrella he fell in love with.
I’ve been doing that but he is so bitter about the past. I think there is that fantasy world that has him in its grip – things were better with the mistress. I never loved my wife and she never loved me. Porn feeds the fantasy. It is a never ending cycle.
He wants to talk about it but only in certain ways (never admitting anything – and I don’t push for it either!) He actually gets mad that I don’t argue with him like I used to – he gets mad that I defer to him in respect (I say he’s not used to it but that this is what I know is right) – and he things I’m just playing a game.
He has tried to manipulate everything for a long time now. He feels that spitefulness is the only “power” he has and so he uses it rampantly. I just don’t know what to do at this point! All my efforts he sees as empty or part of a manipulation.
Kyrie, Sounds rough! But I think you’re on the right track. Good for you for sticking to the respectful road even though he’s not used to it yet. I invite you to come have a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Laura, would you share with us at least one thing you would *do* upon discovering an affair? I know you have a great relationship with your husband and you don’t even want to think about that. But we need your insight. What would you *do*?
Kyrie, a couple of things come to mind. First, I would ask myself if he’s capable of being faithful, and in my case, since he is, I would set an intention to save my marriage. Next, I would get a coach, and practice the intimacy skills like my life depended on it, and focus on flirting with my husband and being the Girl of Fun and Light he fell in love with. I would ask my coach to remind me when I got hurt and scared and forgot why my marriage is important. I would make myself crazy happy every day, and express gratitude where I could. I would see the affair as a symptom and remind myself that as the wife, I have all the power to restore the relationship.
I found my husband in a chat room for “married but looking” less than 6 months after we got married. He was in an empty office at my work using a work laptop! When our son was 2 months old I found that he had 2 online girlfriends who knew about me. He had an online relationship with them the whole time we were dating, engaged and married. I saw comments from them about our son. He had shown them our new baby. The one comment that hurt me the most was he told one woman that he didn’t like having sex with me. Now it’s been years since this happened and every single time we have sex I can’t stop myself from remembering this and end up crying. I hide it from him. Now we have 3 kids and nothing has ever happened that can’t make up for the hurt.
Preddy_blue, I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been through with your husband’s cheating. I know how painful that must be. You could sure use some support around this, sounds like! I invite you to consider a complimentary discovery call here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
11 months ago l caught my husband and the other woman together which l must say she can run fast. We are working on our marriage but l am having a lot of trust issues and don’t know how to get past this. l am still not feeling safe in my future with him not sure how to move past this.
Lesa, that’s such a heartbreaker, but I admire your courage in trying to work it out. I’m happy to offer support if that’s what you’re wanting. https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hang in there! Miracles do happen.
Laura
I have been married 24 years. Nov. 25, something told me to put a recorder in his car. I never thought I was gonna hear what I did. Him telling her he misses her everyday, how proud he is of her. So I confronted him, he denied it. Few hours later he tells me he’s been talking to a girl named jelly for about four months. So he calls her and calls everything off says he wants us to work. So I start looking through cell records and holy shit he’s been talking to her for 2 Effin years!! My body started to shake! I’ve been throwing up since nov. 25! I can’t hold food down! I feel so betrayed. I heard him talking to her about me saying he never said he married the smartest person!! Three kids, 22,16,3. Oh my god!!!! He swears they never did anything sexual!!! Then I got his phone and pulled up and restored deleted messages! He says how beautiful her smile is! He wants to marry her! I am beyond broken, right now! I looked at phone records, they talked every day for hours from 7 am till night! How did I miss this????I work take care of kids and be a sexkitten. We’re did I go wrong
I absolutely see where Susan is coming from. But I’ve realised men are not women and never will be. This has pros and cons! The upside is that if you ‘stroke his ego’ and a few other basics you will have a much happier marriage and easier life.. If you keep fighting against it it’s miserable and exhausting. Personally I choose a close marriage and a less stress.. Just try it and see
I would rather give myself the ego boost and the love I’m looking for than to have to give it to some selfish man to make sure that he doesn’t stray!! If the guy has to have those ego strokes to be faithful, I don’t need that guy in my life.
Marnie, I can see why you feel that way. For me, it’s not about stroking his ego–just about being respectful, which feels much better for me anyway. We’re on the same team, so it doesn’t serve me to tear him down.
Wow! If I, as a man, don’t get my needs met or if my ego is not stroked enough, then I get a free pass to an “inappropriate response”. How about voicing your male needs like: “That comment hurt my feelings.” “Let’s work on this together.” But no, that is too much to ask. So again we turn to the woman to build egos, look pretty and be sexually available because that is how HE expresses his “love”. There would have to be huge incentive to make me want to stuff down my feelings to bring him to this elevated level. It is time for men to take some responsibility for their own relationships.
Susan, for me I didn’t enjoy being disrespectful to my husband and it was a great relief to clean up my side of the street. I say let there be peace in my marriage and let it begin with me. The huge incentive is regaining my own dignity and the connection I always wanted!