Dial Back the Relationship Drama by Doing This
In the bad old days, when my husband John and I used to fight all the time or have cold wars, there was plenty of relationship drama. It wasn’t much fun, but over time, I got used to it.
Drama on the home front was my habit.
When I finally discovered and started practicing The Six Intimacy Skills and my relationship got more playful and passionate, things were also a lot calmer at our house.
When I wasn’t saying critical, disrespectful, and controlling things to my husband, at first I felt like I had nothing to say to him (which says a lot about how critical, disrespectful, and controlling I had been before).
It felt really odd. It was like we had little to talk about compared to before. It was peaceful, but it was also strangely quiet.
I was uncomfortable. I felt like something was missing.
Sure, I was getting a lot more compliments, tenderness, and bedroom eyes from him, which I loved.
And I was excited to have him take me out on dates without me prompting him, or asking me to dance to the song that just came on in our living room. I liked when he would seek me out and sit by me even when I was preoccupied, just because he wanted to be near me.
Those were the things I had craved from him for so long. It was gratifying and miraculous to finally get them again.
Contents
1. But Here’s My Deep, Dark Secret
I kinda missed the blow-ups.
I’m not proud to admit it, but it’s true. I have a penchant for drama, and when it went missing, I felt the void.
Which kind of proves I might be pyscho-ex-girlfriend material–I know. Guilty as charged.
Often, a coaching client will have the same dilemma. She’ll report excitedly that the relationship is going great, that her husband or boyfriend is being so sweet, and that they’ve never been more physically affectionate. But then, she also tells me that she feels restless and bored. She wonders if she maybe doesn’t have much in common with him after all.
Fortunately, having nothing in common is not the problem.
To have a great relationship all you really need in common is each other.
It’s not like you need to have the same interests or hobbies to have a great connection.
The real problem is much simpler to fix, and it’s a universal problem that everyone has.
2. Your Dark Side is Driving the Bus
The problem springs from having a dark side, which we all do.
We all crave excitement. We all need a certain amount of drama in our lives.
We all rubberneck at car wrecks, secretly hoping for a glimpse of a twisted arm or leg. It’s why crime shows are always at the top of the ratings, and the more heinous (yes, CSI and Law and Order: SVU, I’m looking at you), the more popular. It’s why reality shows have gotten so crazy and gossip magazines sell more when a celebrity falls from grace or does something really bizarre.
We humans are perverse by nature. At least, part of us is.
Part of us is hungry for drama. I call it my Minimum Drama Requirement–MDR for short.
Here’s the key question–
3. Where do you want to have that drama?
- Do you want to stay up late fighting about what exactly he meant when he said you’re like your mom?
- Is getting to say what you were really thinking worth enduring the thick layer of tension and hostility throughout the house?
- Is trying to get him to do the chores that he promised to do but still hasn’t done worth crying or yelling about?
For me, the answer is “definitely not!”–not anymore. That’s what I used to do when I couldn’t figure out how not to. But now, 17 years later, I wouldn’t trade the intimacy in my marriage for anything.
But the dark side of my soul is still alive and well, and if I’m not careful, and if I haven’t had any drama in a while, I’ll create some.
I notice my clients are the same way.
Obviously, that’s not ideal for intimacy.
4. Fulfilling Your MDR is Simple
Thankfully, I figured out an ingenious way to keep my marriage connected and still fulfill my MDR.
The solution is so simple, anyone can do it.
Here’s the key to keeping my penchant for drama out of my relationship: I get my MDR somewhere other than my marriage.
I typically play volleyball three times a week. When John asks me how my match was, sometimes I say, “I hate volleyball. I’m never playing it again.”
Of course, I am lying.
But in that moment, after we’ve just lost badly, or I didn’t play very well, it’s kinda fun to wallow in the agony of defeat.
I have also been known–and this is embarrassing to admit–to tell the volleyball ref that he is blind. I did this in a not-so-a-nice way, in case there is a nice way, which I don’t think there is. (Sorry Ref, if you’re reading this–I was just getting my drama on. And besides, that ball was OUT!)
The good news is, as long as I play volleyball pretty regularly, my MDR doesn’t splash out into my marriage.
Volleyball and other sports are not the only way to fulfill your MDR, of course. One client signed up for acting class while another started doing public speaking–which was both terrifying and gratifying for her. Another started performing as a musician on street corners. Another started to grow her business by taking some risks.
5. Your Life is Tugging At You
In fact, those kinds of endeavors seem to go hand-in-hand with The Intimacy Skills. Once the fighting is over at your house, you’ll likely also feel a void. Pay attention to that restlessness. It doesn’t mean you miss the arguments, or the unpleasant outbursts of the past.
It certainly doesn’t mean your husband or boyfriend is dull or uninteresting.
It means your life is tugging at you to have your next adventure. Maybe it’s been calling you for a while and you just couldn’t hear it over the bickering.
If your husband wants to take you on a getaway weekend, or your boyfriend is looking for ways to make your dreams come true, consider looking for dramatic stimulation somewhere besides your relationship.
Consider it a part of good self-care to fulfill your MDR.
19 replies on “Dial Back the Relationship Drama by Doing This”
What a great idea! This reminds me of one of the highlights of my single life. I was a Confirmation teacher for a large Catholic church and we were planning the annual Confirmation retreat for about 100 middle and high school students. Part of the retreat was this four part play which involved a court trial in which the defendant is found guilty and at the end it works out that God’s mercy prevails and the defendant’s crimes are forgiven–a play about how much God loves us and is ready to forgive us no matter how badly we’ve messed up.
Anyway, the other teachers and I are at a planning meeting and we start kicking around who’s going to play which part in the skit.
“I want to be the prosecuting attorney!” I said.
They all looked at me like I’d lost my mind.
“No really, I want to be the devil,” I insisted.
“But Nanda, you’re not like that at all,” the other teachers protested. “Quite the opposite!”
“I know,” I replied, “which is exactly why I want to do it. Where else could I really go all out being mean?”
I got the part and I sure made the most of it. By about the third scene, I started getting feedback from the other teachers that the students were really starting to hate me.
Of course, in the play I got defeated and all that, and played that up with maximum drama too. I vaguely recall jumping up onto the table and doing a wicked happy dance, only to then crawl under the same table in utter humiliation. It’s such a great memory, especially the other teachers saying they had no idea I had it in me.
I never really thought about why I wanted to play the bad guy in this particular case, other than it sounded fun. But I think even then, in an unconscious way, I was looking for a way to fulfill my MDR in a wholesome way. I’m going to keep my eyes open for MDR opportunities from now on.
I love it, Fernanda! Good for you for getting your MDR in such a great way.
This is great Laura. It’s definitely making me think about where I get my drama from x
This is just what I needed to hear today! Thanks, Laura!
I’m on week two of practicing the 6-skills. Although all has been quiet on the homefront as far as bickering goes, the level of affection between us has stayed nil. In a moment of weakness (which followed that moment of silence created by new-found void where bickering once was,) I caved into drama, and got upset that my efforts weren’t being acknowledged. Ooops! I see that I was a little too impatient about seeing results too. (And old habits die hard.)
In addition, I need to find myself a new drama outlet! I was starting to realize this truth in regards to finding ways of self-care. But I never thought of such activities as helping to relieve drama addiction too. Great and timely advice! Thanks again!
Kari, Good for you for creating peace in your home! That’s awesome! Of course you’re not perfect, I’m not perfect either. But I hear great progress and I look forward to hearing about the increase in physical affection at your house too. It always helps to have support, and there’s a Cherished for Life Retreat coming up next month. Just a thought. It’s pretty tough to do it all by yourself.
Wawoo! this is interesting. I’m now trying to figure out my MDR. Well done Laura you have made my day. tnx.
So true Laura! Excitement is important. I also found I like being centre of attention, having something people take an interest in, rally round and support me. Amateur dramatics has been a great creative outlet for me. Super nerve racking and I say I will never do it again however I know I will. It’s something just for me too, outside of being a mum.
Your book totally changed my perception of my husband’s behaviour and put me in control, in a good way. It saved my sanity and my marriage. Thanks 🙂
My friend recommended me your book, sadly she feels it doesn’t work on her husband
Kay, I love it! It sounds so exciting to have found something that’s just for you. I admire you for getting in touch with your desires and finding this creative outlet. It is so gratifying to hear that my work saved your sanity and your marriage. Thank you. As for your friend, I get how frustrating it is to feel like the Intimacy Skills aren’t working in a particular situation. I’ve felt like that myself at times and needed support to help me see my blind spots so I could practice all 6 of the Skills in conjunction with each other. I have a free webinar that will help her (and you too if you haven’t seen it!). It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Fabulous to find out that Im notthe only one who feels twisted inside….. hate hurting anyone and smile all the time when I m out… glass is always half full… but my trust and naivety leaves me vulnerable and so I have these outbursts of drama at home to cope when others are ‘hurtful’. … husband included… and so our routine is indeed bickering and such a shame. .. sad to admit.
I never thought of the problem being anything I could control. .. a real eye opener !!
Thank you so much for your inspiration… I have no idea how I will cope today but know there is hope. .. thank you
Sandra
Sandra, that does sound sad that you and your marriage are suffering as a coping mechanism. I admire you for coming here for support and for finding hope. I remember not bringing the same face I was presenting to the outside world home to my husband. What a relief to let go of the bickering and control so I could become my best self with him too. Where there used to be drama, we now have peace AND passion. I’d love to see you find a way to let go of that twisted feeling inside so you can find a new routine feeling cherished, desired and adored! I have a free webinar coming up that you will empower you with tools to do that. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hahahaha this is so funny! It’s so true about needing done drama.
My surrendered sisters and I keep joking about needing to take up sky diving (parachuting) just to get some excitement back into our lives, now that we’ve stopped fighting with our husbands.
Maybe we should try volley ball …????
Deb, welcome to the team! Look forward to seeing you on the court. Skydiving would definitely count too! I love that you’ve ended the fighting by surrendering. Way to go! Hope you enjoy your MDR self-care. For a jumpstart (excuse the pun), I invite you and your surrendered sisters to try the 5-Day Get Cherished Challenge at http://getcherished.com
Love the confirmation teacher’s story! I am a priest’s wife (Anglican) and l get more than my needed dose of drama from that. (But in confirmation class, l do the necessary evil voices when we are reading.) This is interesting to me because it suggests that women are being told either have your adventure or have your marriage and children while we are actually wired for both… I wouldn’t call that a Darkside necessarily, the seven deadly sins are mostly very mundane. Even adultery is only temporarily fun and exciting (l know this by reputation not experience). My main thought is the feminists have it wrong but so do traditionalists. (At least for modern day women, I am sure pioneer women and pilgrim women, serf women and women in castles usually had plenty of adventure…)
Thanks, Alicia! It sounds like you do have an exciting life and imagination. What a gift it is to have such a respected place and influence in your community! I can see why neither modern feminists nor traditionalists sit well with you in your desire for both adventure and family life. I appreciate your acknowledging that my approach differs from both camps. I hear that’s resonating with you and invite you to explore further in my book/audiobook The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here: http://getcherished.com.
This is such perfect timing for me. Since beginning the skills, our marriage thank Gd has been totally transformed. I have stopped controlling my husband. Things have gotten peaceful and quiet. However, recently, I have felt this strange and strong need for excitement and fun….and blamed my marriage and husband for feeling bland and not passionate/not exciting. I grew up in a hom where there were literally huge blow up fights every single day. They were huge. Now, with the peace in our marriage – I do feel that something is off and missing. I started blaming my fatique for my irritability. Then, I started blaming my newly bland marriage. I expressed my desires for adventures and vacations and we have a fun date planned and a night at our wedding night hotel coming up on our 2 year anniversary which I’m thrilled about but what I can take the most from the article is to broaden my cautious nature and take those bold risk to live my dreams – which I have had clarity on for a while. I have in the past and hope to really come alive in giving talks, leading workshops and leading dance workshops to empower women to live their purpose. I start your coach training in 1 month and couldn’t be more thrilled. At first I wondered how much it aligned with my purpose to help people live their purpose and now I see it aligns perfectly as when women embrace their femininity, have happy marriages and take care of themselves – the result is that they naturally do what they love and what they were born to do. It’s almost a different angle to the same goal!! So for me, meeting my MDR will be in the form of taking risks and living my dreams!!! Thank you!!!
Rachel, mazel tov on your “newly bland marriage”! It sounds like an amazing transformation after the fighting you’d gotten comfortable with. I absolutely love your desire to broaden you cautious nature and take those bold risk to live your dreams. Beautiful! It sounds like you are already well on your way! I can’t wait to see you and your marriage continue to transform during our coach training together.
In my marriage *he’s* the drama queen. I don’t engage but it gets really quiet and lonely. I express, “I’m lonely” and it’s back to more drama & accusations. Sigh.
Anon, that does sound lonely and frustrating to be with a drama queen. I admire you for showing respect and vulnerability so beautifully. I remember that lonely place when I had lots of drama in my relationship. Practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills changed the culture in my marriage so he stopped engaging in the drama too. I know that you too can restore the peace and passion in your marriage! I have a free webinar coming up that will empower you to do that. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I just remembered something I read about 15 years ago after reading this, that if woman aren’t being creative or unleashing their passions and talents in a fulfilling way, then they’ll let it all out in a negative way…such as drama In the relationship. After applying everything I read In your book, there were no more fights every second day and no more dramas. It definitely shows how controlling and disrespectful I’d been not to mention how little time I’d spent on my own happiness