5 Common Mistakes Women Make to Get Their Man’s Time and Affection

5 Common Mistakes Women Make to Get Their Man’s Time and Affection

How to Get the Consideration You Want the Way You Want It

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if marriage came with an easy-to-follow instruction manual?

Who’s with me?

But since it doesn’t, you bumble along trying out relationship advice you got at the hair salon, from well-meaning friends and even strangers at bars.

They say things like “Never go to bed angry.”

Sounds wise, right? But another way to say that is “Stay up and fight,” which doesn’t seem like such a great idea after all.

There’s a lot of bad relationship advice floating around disguised as “common sense.” Maybe that’s why so many marriages are falling apart.

Here are 5 common mistakes that wives make to get more time and attention from their husbands. Click To Tweet

1. Pointing Out That He’s Not Giving You Time and Attention

Isn’t it just honest–even important–to let your partner know when he’s not meeting your needs?

If you don’t tell him he needs to be more attentive and affectionate, how will he know, right?

The problem is, pointing out what he’s doing wrong is the same as complaining.

Gandhi was right when he said, “Don’t complain. Complaining won’t take you anywhere. Nothing will change unless you change.”

But did that stop me from complaining to my husband that he should spend more time with me and pay more attention to me?

No, it did not.

I’d say things like, “You never spend any time with me” or “Why don’t you turn off the TV for once so we can talk?”

As you can imagine, those words didn’t inspire my husband to whisk me off to a romantic dinner, have a long, deep conversation or walk hand in hand on the beach.

To put it in perspective, imagine hearing those words from a friend. You’d think the friend was needy, or at least unpleasant.

In other words, pointing out what he’s not doing will only make him less inclined to give you his time or attention.

Don’t worry–there’s a much more effective way to get the connection you crave, which I’ll tell you about in a minute.

But first, are you making this common mistake?

2. Asking Him for Time or Attention

It seems logical that one way to get more time and attention is to just ask your husband for more time and attention.

Maybe you’d say something like, “Can you come home from work on time so we can spend the evening together?” Or, “When can you make time for me?”

But that approach can never be satisfying if you want him to want to spend time with you.

If you’re like most women, you want to feel irresistible and attractive to your husband–body, mind and soul. Having to ask for time and attention will never satisfy that desire.

Also, asking isn’t necessary. Remember when you were falling in love and you couldn’t get enough time together? You didn’t ask him for attention then.

You might think that’s because he was putting his best foot forward and now that you’ve settled into real life he’s more interested in football or video games than he is in you.

But what if there was actually something you did naturally then that you’ve since stopped doing? Something that made you irresistible to him?

We’ll get to that, but first let’s see if you’ve ever made this mistake.

3. Hanging Around Waiting for Him

Another common mistake is arranging your schedule according to when he’s available instead of according to your own desires.

Shawna stayed home most nights and weekends hoping that her husband would be available to her, but it rarely worked out that way. Instead, she found herself waiting around bored while he worked late or even made other plans.

Resentful that she was the only one making their couple time a priority, she was often angry by the time he showed up because it was too little too late.

That perpetuated the cycle of him avoiding her. After all, who is going to feel drawn to a resentful, prickly wife?

It wasn’t until Shawna started making her own plans–even if that meant they wouldn’t be together–that her husband started seeking her out more.

Her interesting, enjoyable life made her much more appealing.

4. Doing Activities He Likes Instead of Activities You Like

Leah’s husband was an avid golfer, so it seemed like a good idea to her to sign up for lessons so they could have more couple time. She envisioned them having lots of laughs and long talks on the links.

But before long it was clear that golf just wasn’t Leah’s thing. It felt like a chore, and her husband didn’t seem to appreciate the sacrifice she was making for the good of their relationship.

Their golf conversation was stilted at best. Sure, they were together, but Leah wasn’t feeling the connection she craved.

When Leah announced that golf just wasn’t for her and went back to her yoga classes, her husband seemed relieved. She was too.

When she went back to her favorite activity–which filled her up and made her feel good–her husband was more drawn to her at home.

Pursuing their hobbies individually made them both happy and gave them something interesting to talk about when they reunited.

5. Doing Things for Him so He’ll Have More Time for You

Finally, one of the most common mistakes women (like me) make when trying to get their husband’s time and attention is tending to his responsibilities so he won’t be so busy.

The theory is that if he has more free time, he could spend it with you.

But doing things for my husband that he could do for himself backfired.

Here’s why: If you make his invoices for work, pack his lunch and go to the dry cleaner for him to give him more downtime, you begin to resemble his mother.

Men are not romantically attracted to their mothers.

Also, expending all that energy on his chores could wear you out and even make you resentful, neither of which is attractive.

On top of that, a man has a hero gene that makes him feel most ardently in love with his wife when he can do something to improve her life–not when she does something to improve his.

Which brings us to what will get your husband’s time and attention: a respectful and ridiculously happy wife.

One of the things that originally attracted your husband was that you respected him. You thought he was smart and capable. That made you special and irresistible.

And happy wives draw their husbands to them like a magnet. The more he sees you smiling and laughing, the closer he wants to get.

Which of these mistakes have you made in the past? To join in the conversation, post your answer in the comments section below.


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24 thoughts on “5 Common Mistakes Women Make to Get Their Man’s Time and Affection”

  1. I’ve acted like his Mom, taking care of little things for him. It made me feel GREAT, that I was such a GIVING wife. He didn’t see it as giving. He saw it as mothering. I was doing things for him that he knew he could do for himself. He certainly wasn’t attracted to it.

    Reply
  2. Wow…I have done all of the above, and you are right, it made things worse, not better!! So glad to have found all this information. I have applied a number of these lessons and principles, and guess what, They WORK!!

    Thanks so much!!

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  3. Thanks, I appreciate your book and great advice that works. He just took me to Puerto Vallarta to celebrate our 40th anniversary. I want to continue on this road. I’d love to get together with like minded woman in the Valparaiso or Crown Point Indiana area to meet new ladies as I’m new to this area and my hubby and I are both retired so I have lots of time.

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  4. Oh my how I’m so guilty of especially 1-3 mistakes. I did all that all the time, but it did nothing but frustrate me even more and more. It was only when I started focusing on self care that things began to fall into place. Now he’s the one asking if he can join me or spend some time with me kkkk. Thank you Laura

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  5. Ive made every single one..over and over..

    Just this morning caused another fight from these 5 mistakes. You are a blessing.

    Thank you Laura for your wisdom.

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  6. #5 I still do, but less. It seems to be innate in me to make him happy. Somehow I think that will make him happy, really it probably just brings peace.

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  7. I think every thing I do is wrong, I just want him to spend time with me than with the boys and drinking all the time. I even feel like he is cheating, when we have to do things together like shopping he always bring some one, I’m so tired , I even feel it would be better for me to be alone with my kids.

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  8. I made all mistakes and fortunately realised what I was doing so worked on myself n things getting better now…….

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  9. I’m Iesha,
    I did almost all of these but I started changing things in the latter part until I came home one Friday from work and he moved out his stuff.

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  10. I am guilty as charged!!! Ugh! I am 3 days into the decision of the big “D” my husband is done! He has been secretly messaging a girl he had an affair with 2 years ago and won’t stop! I am in a lot of pain from this and realize it’s too late to apply this wisdom. I know you said you did it Laura, but he has hurt me so badly that I just don’t think I can even try to apply these secrets.

    Reply
    • Anita, That sounds incredibly painful. I would be hurt too. I trust that you are the expert and know what’s best for you and your family, but I don’t think you’d be reading this blog if you were ready to give up. I get that it sounds hard right now, but I also see that you still have a tiny bit of hope, and I’m here to say that there’s every reason to be hopeful that you can be a happy wife with your husband, and that you can restore your dignity and confidence too. I’m standing for you!

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      • Thank you, Laura. I am a woman of faith so I have pressed in to God and sought His wisdom. Unless I hear loud and clear, I won’t be the cake or the eat it too!

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  11. Hi Laura,
    I have been married for 20 years and I have made all five of those mistakes over the years. You are right none of those things work.

    Reply
  12. I’m not sure where to start, but I think I will start by finding something I enjoy doing when I really want attention from him, instead of asking for it. What would you suggest when he interrupts that activity because he’s used to me being right there begging and waiting for him to pay attention?

    Reply
  13. I guess that would be a good sign because he as the male is coming to you, which means on some level you are attracting him to yourself. I guess I would just play with that attention somehow, explore this new dynamic? Receive. Or playfully suggest that you want to finish what you’re doing first?
    I dunno, how would he interrupt you?

    Reply
  14. Getting my husband’s affection is easy––getting sex isn’t. He tells me he is not sexually attracted to me. I don’t understand how a man can want to cuddle, holding me tightly and throwing his legs around me and pulling me close, but insists he doesn’t find me sexually attractive.

    When we were dating, we were very sexual––until he was sick and I took care of his cough in the middle of the night. He also expects me to show my love by in essence, acting like a mom. In this sense, I’m very guilty of 3 and 5 above.

    He seems to think that sex is for dirty girls and young girls with perfect bodies like the ones in porn. After I told him that four years in a sexless marriage is making me resentful and that I don’t want to keep putting all this emotional energy and caretaking into him, he is agreeing to couples therapy.

    I’m going to try reading the book, and also have to wonder if not mothering him and couples therapy will be helpful. But, what I really want to know is if it is normal for a man to cuddle so rigorously and not be sexually attracted to a woman?

    Reply
  15. OH my gosh, the one about asking for time and attention. As our lives have changed I began to feel as if I couldn’t get his attention and no matter how I asked, pleaded, demanded, begged, absolutely NOTHING worked. I turned into a total Godzilla and really acted completely awful as this situation continued to deteriorate. I’m sort of sadly amused when I look back on this now. I picked up “First, Kill all the Marriage Counselors” at the library a couple weeks ago, finished it and am working through “Empowered” now. I have already noticed very positive improvements between us. It is a huge relief to learn that I never have to go near Godzilla-land again; it was painful and horrible to be that way and I was so miserable. But it is especially a huge relief to learn that all this trouble and strife is something I can banish myself without needing to change or control my husband.

    Reply

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