Can a Relationship Be Saved after Domestic Violence?
Physical abuse in your own home is one of the scariest things you can experience. If you’re not safe with your own husband, then when are you ever safe?
Everyone who knows you and loves you may get scared too and say you have to get out of that relationship so you’ll be safe. They’ll want to protect you. So then it seems pretty hopeless and maybe even foolish to try to fix a marriage after there’s been hitting, kicking, shaking or choking.
That’s what I used to think too. But I got schooled!
I got schooled in the best possible way by women who have lived through domestic violence and still fixed their relationships.
I found out that I too was scared of domestic violence. So scared that I couldn’t find my faith and I became bossy and told women they should leave if they were in that scary situation.
I became Mrs. Know-It-All, who didn’t actually know that when there’s violence in the home that doesn’t mean the relationship can’t be fixed.
I learned from women who are braver than me. Women who had restraining orders against their husbands and decided to remove them.
I heard from women who had to go to the hospital for their injuries after fighting with their husbands.
These women were scared too, but something made them decide to try The Six Intimacy Skills™ instead of giving up on their marriages. As the experts on their own lives, they decided to experiment.
They didn’t want to be victims, and they didn’t want to be divorced, so they found a way to fix their marriages and make them safe.
They even became coaches who now show other women how to fix their marriages after domestic violence.
Here are three of the common themes I hear from these incredibly accomplished women:
Contents
1. They Chose Their Focus Wisely
Even after they had evidence that their husbands were a threat, the women who fixed their marriages after domestic violence gathered evidence about what a good man they had, about how he wanted to be her hero and protect her.
Just like looking at a glass of water and declaring it either half empty or half full. Both are true, right?
These brave women decided to see their husbands through the lens of faith instead of fear. That takes some courage right there! But they did it.
And I admire them for that.
2. They Were Careful about Who They Listened To
Fear is easy to stir up, and when you go through something traumatic like domestic violence, it is a big deal. Other people might feed on that drama and get bossy, like I did, and tell you to leave.
But the women who were able to fix their marriages and make them amazing again were careful about whose voice they had in their ears. We all choose who we’re going to listen to, all the time.
These women chose people who were standing for them when they shared about their marriages, and they tuned out or didn’t share with people who were scaring them or telling them to leave.
3. They Were Willing to Try Some Experiments
Women who put their families back together again, who made them safe and peaceful, did not know what was possible when they started.
But they were willing to experiment.
They were willing to do things they’d never done before, even if they felt awkward or scared, so that they could create the marriage they never had before. They were willing to say unusual and new things, to do new things and to throw out everything they thought they knew.
They were open.
And they found a new way forward because of it.
I’m honored to have podcast guests who have answered the question “Can a relationship be saved after domestic violence?” with a definitive “Yes, it can.”
That includes Queenie, who was so tired of her husband constantly interrupting, correcting, and criticizing her. Then a huge fight erupted, turned physical, and she took the baby and left.
But she decided to do some experiments, and today they are back together. She says her marriage is unbelievably amazing and it still has room to grow.
Listen to her experience in her own words here.
