The Laws of Attraction in Relationships
What you focus on increases.
That’s the law of attraction at its core, and it’s my experience in my relationship too, and what I witness with my clients.
When I repeatedly suggested my husband ask for a raise at work, what I was really saying was, “You don’t make enough money.”
Eventually, he stopped making money altogether.
That’s how good I am at manifesting what I focus on.
You could say that was his decision and I just happened to be married to him, but when I changed it up to start focusing and talking about how he was a good provider, he started a very successful business.
That was over a dozen years ago, and his business is still going strong.
I’ve been calling him Mr. Moneybags the entire time.
That doesn’t seem like a stretch at all now, but it sure did at first.
It didn’t take long for him to live up to my Spouse Fulfilling Prophecy (SFP).
I created my SFP because I decided to focus on what I wanted instead of what I didn’t want.
I’m just one example. I see women create the kind of relationship they dream about all the time by focusing on what they want instead of what they don’t want.
But what about the other person’s decisions, you might wonder. Don’t they get a say about what’s going to happen too?
Of course they do. But you have more influence than you think. In fact, you hold the key to how your husband or boyfriend will respond to you.
Here are the steps to using the Law of Attraction to create what you want to experience in your love life:
1. Find your complaint.
Every unhappy wife or single woman I’ve ever worked with has a complaint about men (i.e, they just want sex, there aren’t any good ones, they don’t want a relationship) or her man specifically (i.e., he’s controlling, narcissistic or preoccupied).
For her, the complaint is just how it is—reality. She has no concept that what she’s telling me is actually the reality she’s created by focusing on it.
I can understand because I remember feeling the same way before I learned how to apply the law of attraction for relationships.
The good news is that your complaint is exactly what you need to get started with using the law of attraction.
Whatever tumbles out of your mouth when I ask about what you don’t like about your relationship (or lack thereof) is what you’ve been attracting and creating.
So to get started, write down your biggest complaint: He never wants to spend time with you. He’s grumpy all the time. You never meet anyone you’re interested in.
Whatever you’re having the most pain around—that’s where you want to start.
2. Flip your complaint upside down.
Under every complaint is a hidden desire. What’s yours?
Is it that he would want to spend as much time with you as possible? Is it that he’d be in a better mood? Is it that you’d meet a man you’re really interested in?
Complaining is the lazy way to express your desire. Find your desire by putting it in the positive and writing it down.
So if you’ve done steps 1 and 2, you have written down both a complaint and a corresponding hidden desire.
Mine would look like this:
Complaint: He doesn’t make enough money.
Desire: He’s a good provider—he’s Mr. Moneybags.
Careful that you don’t put it in the negative, as in, “for him to stop earning so little money.” That’s just the complaint restated, and that’s going to have you attracting more of the same—so little money.
You’ll know you’ve arrived at a pure desire when you read what you’ve written and you feel happy thinking about having exactly that.
3. Start saying the desire, or the Spouse Fulfilling Prophecy, out loud to yourself and others.
If you’re in a relationship and wanting to have a more gratifying experience, you’ll want to repeat your SFP to yourself and to him.
It’s going to feel funny to you when you first say it. That’s a good sign, actually. It means you’re uncomfortable because you’re making a change.
Things have to change if they are going to improve.
Patricia was unwittingly using the law of attraction to create distance in her marriage by repeating the mantra, “You never want to spend time with me.”
She had focused on all the times her husband chose to do something other than spend time with her, and there were plenty. She was hurt and angry every time, and she couldn’t understand why he would be so neglectful of his wife.
She was convinced she had married the wrong guy, that he was just immature and selfish.
When we spoke about it, Patricia began to see that she may have been contributing to the problem by affirming it with an SFP, and gathering evidence for her belief—even though it wasn’t serving her. At all.
She decided her new SFP would be, “I know you want to spend time with me.”
The next Saturday she was looking forward to spending the day with her husband. When her husband accepted an invite from a friend to go mountain biking that day instead, Patricia responded out of habit with her old mantra, “You never want to spend time with me!” and left the room in a huff.
But a few minutes later, Patricia realized that she was still creating the kind of relationship she didn’t want instead of the kind that she did.
She went back to talk to her husband and said, “I’m sorry I got upset. I know you want to spend time with me. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
It felt like a crazy thing to say. She wondered if he would question her, since it felt like such a departure from reality. At least the one she had been focused on.
She was shocked when, a few minutes later, her husband said that he had called his friend to tell him that he couldn’t go mountain biking after all. “I told him I wanted to spend the day with you.”
“I had no idea it would work so fast,” Patricia admitted. “But I’m happy that it did.”
Focusing on what you want instead of what you don’t want may take a little getting used to for you, too, but having the relationship you crave—the kind that’s exhilarating, vibrant and confident—is so worth the effort.
If you find yourself thinking it would never work in your situation because your relationship (or lack thereof) is so difficult, broken or troubled, consider changing that with a Spouse Fulfilling Prophecy.
What will your new Spouse Fulfilling Prophecy be? Pretty soon, that will be your reality.
42 replies on “The Laws of Attraction in Relationships”
Thank you so much for this! I can hardly wait to say to my husband “You are so funny and witty!” He really is but I haven’t said that to him in such a long time. He is grumpy most of the time but I know it hasn’t been a one way street either. It’s takes two to tango after all! Lol!
God bless you.
Thank you for posting this today! It was a reminder I really needed!
Wow such a simple thing . Just reading about it today changed my attitude and I’m sure avoided a stale night.
I have not given my husband the attention and appreciation he has needed over the course several years. It has finally caught up and he has closed himself off emotionally from me now and wants a divorce with no chance offered up to fix things. We are still living under the same roof with the children. It seems nothing I say or do makes a huge difference (other fantasy woman in the wings?). Although after reading your book and trying to ‘clean up my side of the street’, I have taken some of your approaches/responses under advice and he is not as standoffish as he used to be. We are in our 40’s with small children. He is a textbook good guy (most women would probably consider him quiet and boring, no abuse, no addictions, hard worker), but the lack of attention has worn on him despite the deep love and caring we had in the beginning. I bought him a Valentine’s gift for tomorrow and a ‘Great Guy’ titled card (since he seems averse to the husband deal at the moment). Is this an intentional card inscription and SFP to focus on from here on out…?
“You are incredibly loving and greatly loved. I know deep down in your heart you want a happy marriage and a happy family above anything else. I trust that you will work things out in all of our best interests. Love, #TeamOurFamilyLastName”
Millie, I hear how stressful your situation is and I also hear your tremendous commitment, which I admire very much. You can absolutely save your marriage and make it worth saving. There’s so much at stake for you I’d love to see you get some support. Have you considered having a complimentary discovery call? You can apply for one here:
It is something I am considering. Thank you. Happy Valentine’s Day
I too am in a similar situation to Millie, married to the perfect guy, but didn’t realise it and pushed him away for years, what a fool I am! I have read ‘kill the marriage counsellors’ and have started implementing the 6 intimacy skill. My husband agreed to meet me yesterday to ‘talk’ and I told him how much I loved him, how happy he made me and that I would be so happy if he would come home. We then went out last night, had a great time and my husband stayed over (no physical contact) Steve would normally sleep on the sofa if he stays over/visits our children, but last night he stayed in our bed. This morning I thought great, this is all going so well. I was so happy to have him around. But it seems I have misread the situation. Before he left he apologised to me, told me he really cared for me but that was all, that he had shut down and now thinks that we should get a divorce and both move on. I am so confused. Do I leave him alone now – he has clearly made his mind up? But why did he want to take me out and stay over?? What is my next move? ANY advice would be greatly appreciated because I just cannot see this ending well now ?
Debbie, what a roller coaster you’re on, huh? I bet you’re feeling the whiplash. But honestly I hear a lot of hope in this situation, based on what I’ve seen with thousands of other couples in similar situations. You can turn this around and save your family. Consider getting some support ASAP. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call to determine your best move here:
Laura, if there are a few different areas I’d like to try this on, should I focus on one at a time? (The first area I’d like to try is his lack of self esteem and grumpy mood). I only have a few areas I feel I’d like to use this with but didn’t know if he would catch on that I’m trying to pull one on him if I want to use it in a few areas and not just one. Am I making sense? Thank you in advance for your help, I can’t wait to get started!
Melissa, Good news about your SFPs–you’re not pulling one over on him. You’re just going to be focusing on and speaking about what you want instead of what you don’t want. Right now you’re affirming that he has no self-esteem and is grumpy. So you’re planning to change that up, which is great! I see no problem with focusing on what you want instead of what you don’t want in several areas at once. Have you read The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband?s Time, Attention, and Affection? You’ll find it valuable.
Thank you so much for your reply! I will get started with your tips right away. I am eternally grateful and I will be looking into that book.
Wow, very refreshing! I was almost willingly ready to walk into isolation assuming my husband felt the same mostly based on my negative view. regardless of what he does i will stop wearing him down and out w/my negative view on him and my children as well i have 5 teens ages (19-13)-I realize i’m doing the very same to them. You’ve given me hope and a direction. Thanks so much!!!
I’m going to try positive affirmations even through all the hurt and pain. Hopefully it will help me after having my self esteem crushed.
My husband and I have been married for 25 years, and have both known we’ve lost that spark or interest in each other, a lot of times due to plain old tiredness and stress of debts, and some chronic health conditions. But just starting to let him be heard and quitting the commentating all the time, is making a notable difference.
Hello again Laura, I left a comment on here Feb 14th. Since then I have been showing my husband respect whenever we are in contact. We met up last weekend (he has moved out) and had a great evening together (I was the goddess of light and love-scary) but the next day Steve said that he was still going to contact a solicitor as there was too much hurt in the relationship and it was time to move on. He has still not contacted that solicitor! Which I now see as a real positive. He is looking for a new job and is quite stressed, so, I have told him that I will give him the peace he so needs and I will not contact him, but that I would love to hear how his interviews go. He has since called me twice. Still some complaining about how I am sending him round in circles and he is really low about everything. Instead of saying it’s his fault too, I apologise for the situation that we are in and say ‘I hear you’ a lot! I would very much like to spend some time with him this weekend. However I have promised to leave him alone to get his head together. What should I do? Honour my desires and tell him? Or give him the peace that I promised him I would?
I would also like to thank you. Although our situation is still very very unstable. I have some hope through using the 6 intimacy skills and I am getting some self care, something that I have not practised for years!
Debbie, I hear a lot of cause for hope for your relationship in this post! For me it feels so good to be pursued and desired that saying I want his attention or time just doesn’t work for me. I’d rather it was his idea because that’s what makes me feel amazing. You’re very new to the skills, and in time I promise your natural magnetism will draw him to you. Won’t it be wonderful when it’s his idea that you should see each other? I’d love to see you get some support ASAP too, as your marriage is hanging in the balance and it can certainly become amazing again. It makes all the difference to have a guide alongside you. Here’s where you can get a complimentary discovery call:
Hi Laura, thanks so much for this great article. So i have a question. When me and my husband have a fight or an argument, i usually give him the silent treatment afterwards and this can last for several days sometimes over a week and he seems angry with me as well. But for the first year of our marriage my husband was usually the one to approach me and apologize and then we would make up. Now for the last 6 months or so, its always me that has to apologize to him even if he is the one that started the fight or else we’ll continue not speaking to eachother. I hate this cos i feel like he should apologize to me sometimes too specially when he’s wrong. I have told him many times it’s like you to get angry and not speak to me but he just shrugs me off. How do i create SFPs to receive apologies from my husband cos that helps me to move on and make up.
Thanks in advance for your help and advice.
SA, Sorry to hear about the cold wars at your house. I remember how painful and damaging those were for us. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve decided to take the high road and apologize first. As far as getting to the next level (where you don’t have cold wars to begin with) I’d love to see you get some support. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call here:
Thanks for your response Laura. I have used your discovery call once before and it did help me. Thanks so much.
My husband is very hard of hearing but refuses to get a hearing aid. I have been following all of your advice from “The Surrendered Wife” with great results except for the hearing issue. He says that I just need to speak up (which would really be yelling). I use to tell him that he needs to get a hearing aid but now, since I am trying not to be his mother, I don’t know how to respond so I don’t say anything. I still want to tell him that he needs a hearing aid but I can’t say my desire of “I want you to be able to hear.” Any advice?
Margaret, I’m happy to hear about hte great results in your marriage! Yay!
That sounds pretty lonely and also annoying to have to yell to be heard. Sometimes it take a little while for our husbands to get the memo that we’ve got a new approach and that we’re behaving respectfully. Pre-surrendering, my husband didn’t WANT to hear most of what I said because it was criticism and complaining. But now he seeks out my company and wants to hear what I’m talking about. It may be a matter of him realizing that you’ve changed your tune. If you want to connect with a coach to discover the best move you can make for your relationship, you can apply for a complimentary discovery call here:
Hi Laura. We married for 15 years and have a daughter. There was a conflict last summer and I apologized to him by email but received his reply in November via email with hostile with heavy words, too painful to the point until this day I have not recovered yet. Since then for almost a year we have not talked. 2 weeks ago he told me he’ll move out in the middle of June, I asked and he agreed to see a marriage counselor. Last Monday I found in the Spam folder his email sent in May to tell me “let it be done and over with so we both can move on with our lives.” I called immediately with tears to beg him to stay and work things out but he said “too late, you and I are too different and we can never changed”. We attended the 1st session with the psychologist last Thursday and 2nd session this Thursday he’ll see us individually. My husband is slowly moving his stuffs out and we still haven’t talked. I feel like my world is crumbling down, our daughter is devastated. I greeted him but he ignored me and I couldn’t bring myself to do it again. Please help me how to communicate effectively with him. Should I email him? Thank you so much for your time.
Cherie, I’m so sorry to hear about the devastating situation at your house. Sounds incredibly painful. I’m sure it seems hopeless to you right now, but there is every reason to believe that you can save your marriage. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with The Six Intimacy Skills, but they will make all the difference for you being able to keep your family together and make it amazing again. Consider attending this free webinar ASAP:
Hi Laura, I love reading your articles. Maybe I’m too late commenting on this post but thought I’d give it a try. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and love him very much. I know he loves me too but hasn’t yet said it and neither have I. One time months ago, I mentioned that I thought I was falling in love with him to see his reaction. He didn’t really say anything. Even so, I know he loves me, I can tell by the way he holds me at night and wants to always make me happy. He acts like this tough guy that doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him, but I know better. We’ve taken “The Five Love Languages” quiz and his “words of affirmation” love language is his lowest love language, while for me, it’s my highest. His “acts of service” is his highest love language, and he is very generous with helping others and me. I’m trying not to focus on the fact he hasn’t told me he loves me yet, and as much as I try not to put attention onto that, I tend to focus on the lack of it some more. All I want is to hear that he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful. Using the law of attraction method mentioned above, how do you think I should go about having my boyfriend tell me that he loves me? I really appreciate your help and hope you respond xoxo
Ingrid, You are very patient! I can see why you want to hear the words, “I love you.” I would too. How about next time he does something sweet for you saying, “Thank you so much! This is how I know you love me, because you are always doing something to make me happy.”?
Thank you Laura for your response. I’ll try that and see what happens! Also, how do I go about using this same concept if I want to get engaged/married to him as well (and sooner rather than later)? We are both 34 years old and we both want kids. We both have never been married before (just a couple serious relationships) nor do we have any kids. Thanks again so much for your help! xoxo
Ingrid, Very exciting that you’re feeling like you’re with your future husband! Congrats! I describe how to navigate this situation in an empowered, feminine, respectful way in the book, The Surrendered Single. You can read a free chapter of it here:
I have in the past told my husband whom we are now seperated and he can’t see himself wanting to work on our marriage that he is selfish and soesnt care about anyone else. Even though he is still living in the house and providing for us. Would my affirmation look something like this “You care so much for us” or is that to broad? I am not sure where to start :/
Crave, That’s a great start! I admire your willingness to do what you can to create the marriage you’re wanting. That takes courage. I admire that.
I wrote/commented on one of your blog posts a few months ago about my newer boyfriend and my controlling behaviors. When I read your books and immediately began applying your phrasing and changing my mind about how I approach things, I also immediately began having a wonderful relationship that is continuing VERY strong 4 months later.
I am so happy I was willing to give it a shot. I feel very “in the moment” and it’s nice to be able to step back and decide to approach the situation differently than I would have in the past. Not only does this make the relationship easy and more fun, it makes *me* more fun. I find myself feeling less stressed, more beautiful and more outgoing.
The best part is that I am watching this man naturally fall in love with me and I don’t feel like I have to force any of it due to some fear that I’ll lose him. Sometimes I still struggle with feeling worth it, but when that thought comes up, I point it out to myself and change the inner dialogue.
I’m so grateful for your guidance. Thank you so, so much!
Lauren, That’s great to hear! Congratulations on making your relationship wonderful, fun and easy!
Thank you so much for this advice! You are a blessing!
What would be a good SPF if your husband no longer loves you??? I’ve been working on the 6 skills for a good 6-8 months now. Things have slightly gotten better. But it feels like it’s taking forever and sometimes I feel like giving up. I always come back to your blogs and this is what is keeping me motivated to stay off the fence and on the side of love. I thank him all the time. As well as appreciate him. Thanks him for working so hard to take care of us. He typically comes over once a week to see our now 11 month old. We always have sex and he initiates it, which is a huge step. He has slowly started to open up and talking to me about work and things. I feel like I’m going two steps fwd one step back… I still don’t know if he is with the other woman he is living with, works with, friends with, (he is also staying with another friend. They are all roommates in the same place). I have seen pictures of them together on social media since we have a lot of mutual friends. I’m trying really hard to stay positive and block out all the negative thoughts. But it can be hard some days. I try to focus on the fact that he is still married to me, having sex with me, and still will do things for me. He said he didn’t want to drag this out when he first told me he wasn’t in love with me and yet here we are almost a year later. I just want an end where he comes home. I have applied for a call but work a lot so haven’t received one. I just need to know my next step. Thank you.
I’m trying to follow the advises I’m reading the book empower wife’s right now and applying my first steps but it is not working with me my husband he is hostile we have a horrible marriage I’m expose to verbal abuse when I say anything to him. I’m considering divorce him. I’m exhausted and inside broken. What do you recommend me to do.
Hi Laura thank you for the fresh, wise approach toward change. All was great prior to marriage 5yrs ago. His angry side surfaced soon after marriage about not getting enough sex.This is 5yrs later a mountainous problem interlaced with false accusations of me having an affairs.Threats of divorce with each argument and the aggressiveness with arguments which I really detest.Worst is his hostility and distrust with no apologies after the verbal onslaught.( I usually speak calmly until the critique just silence me)I am resentful because he is reaĺly destroying my sexual desire.Long bouts of silence from both sides.I am emotionally drained and feel like I do not matter as a humanbeing only as his need for sex.Communication sucks which frustrates me terribly. What am I to do? Thanks for this platform Laura. Blessings
I just finished your book, “kill all the marriage counselors” about three weeks ago and loved it. I passed the book to one of my friends and can’t wait for her thoughts on it too. Was so nice to read a book and actually have actionable steps! I’ve already started a couple (expressing gratitude, finding time to do things that make me happy) and am seeing positive results! Had a quick question about the positive affirmations…would saying “starting to bring in more money” be “positive” or is there negative in that as well? I wasn’t sure and definitely want to be helping, not hurting our future!! Thank you! 🙂
I dont know if this will get read as I see the dates in here are almost a year ago. I dont even know where to start or what to do. I have been reading all kinds of stuff and I am still so confused.
I have been with this man for almost 3 years, him and I crossed paths a few years after we both had gotten out of very bad relationships. We hit off! The connection was absolutely amazing! He made me feel like the most beautiful creature on this planet. We would talk and laugh about everything, we would go for walks, dates, cook together, sex was out if this world. Before him I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be able to connect with someone like this and definitely was never going to love someone again. Well I fell in love, he used to talk about marriage and we set a date that we wanted to get married on. Everything was so perfect! He moved in with me and at the time we were living in my Grandmother’s house and then a few months later we found a house of our own I feel like maybe 2 weeks after we moved he changed. He doesn’t notice me unless I do something he does not like, we hardly say a few words to each other, we dont go out at all, sex is almost nonexistent which is driving me insane as I am a very sexual being, I went from being referred to as his wife even though we weren’t married back to his girlfriend. Even if I text him or post things on his FB I usually dont get any acknowledgement. I really feel that we could have something amazing but I dont know what to do. Even in my really bad marriage and all the stuff I went through I never felt this bad or this neglected. I dont know if I should give up, move out and move on with my life or if I should keep trying? I honestly don’t think he is actually in love with me anymore I feel like it is just easy and comfortable for him and that’s why he is still with me. Any kind of guidance or reassurance would be so greatly appreciated. I feel so alone and am so kind of depressed and have nobody to turn to. Thank you!
Thank you for this!!
My boyfriend made a commitment of getting married to me but when the time comes close to talk to my parents he backs out and says he does not want to get married at all. He keeps going back and forth. Whenever he commits I am scared that he will back out when it’s time and he does. I am running out of time as my parents want me to get married to another guy and I really want my boyfriend to commit, be firm on the commitment and come and talk with my parents about getting married.
my friend is getting troubled by her husband a lot because he is having an extra marrital affair with a girl
plz tell me what she should affirm to get rid of this
Thank You, Laura! I really needed this. I had not known how i was creating/ruining my marital reality/life. I understand now. Which one of your books explores this further? I would like to read more on that. Is it the empowered wife? Or any other? Please let me know.
Eve, you’re welcome! Yes, you can start with the book The Empowered Wife. That will give you so much. The best time to get FREE support to learn more and put it into practice is almost here. Join us for the 5-Day Adored Wife Challenge at lauradoyle.org/challenge. Hope to see you there!