How to Deal with Controlling In Laws
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. ba-dum!
That’s because in-laws can be annoying and get on your very last nerve if they’re nosy, overbearing, or passive-aggressive. They can cause stress in your marriage. But you can’t get rid of them, much as you might like to sometimes.
Or is that me I’m thinking of? Well…not anymore.
Now I genuinely really like all my in-laws. But to paraphrase Francis O’Walsh, I used to find fault with them like it was buried treasure. Mostly, I was defensive and afraid that I wouldn’t be accepted into the Doyle family.
Turns out I never needed to worry about that because they’re a great bunch.
But maybe your in-laws are not so great, and it’s putting stress on your marriage. So then what?
Here are three experiments you can do to give you relief from that stress while still maintaining your dignity.
Contents
1) Assume the Best
Alison felt enormous pressure from her in-laws, who expected her family to visit them a lot and were passive-aggressive when they didn’t get their way. She and her husband agreed that they would not be visiting for an upcoming major holiday, and she dreaded the guilt-inducing comments they would make when they found out.
But with a little coaching, she decided to expect the best from them. When her in-laws heard the news that they wouldn’t be coming, she was still nervous, which seemed completely justified when her father-in-law said, “You’re too busy to see us, fine. You do you.”
Instead of defending herself or secretly rolling her eyes, Alison saw an opportunity to just take her father-in-law at his word. So she said, “Thank you for understanding and always being so supportive. That means a lot!”
When she did that, something shifted, and she had the experience of feeling unburdened, and that her in-laws were accepting of their decision not to visit. Also, Alison felt great about showing up with so much dignity and love for her in-laws instead of having Needless Emotional Turmoil and labeling them as passive-aggressive.
Takeaway to try: Experiment with receiving their words at face-value even if you suspect sarcasm
2) Be Vulnerable
Rachel had the opposite challenge. Her mother-in-law lived close by but rarely engaged with her and the kids, choosing instead to keep her distance. Even when her husband would invite his mother to come over for dinner, she usually declined.
Rachel felt sad that her mother-in-law stayed away and didn’t have much of a relationship with her kids, so using the Intimacy Skill of vulnerability, Rachel left her a voicemail saying how she missed seeing her and that she would love to have her join them for dinner. It was so heartfelt that there was even a crack in her voice when she left the message.
And do you know, the mother-in-law responded immediately that she would be there, and she came to dinner with the family and engaged with everyone. She seemed like a different woman.
Takeaway to try: Experiment with getting into your feels and letting them see your soft side
3) Express What You’re Grateful for
Janine was quite unhappy with her sister-in-law, who had hurt her feelings many times, even trying to get her excluded from a family party with Janine’s own family! Who wouldn’t be hurt, right?
She felt on guard whenever she interacted with the sister-in-law. But during coaching, when asked what she was grateful for about her sister-in-law, Janine shared vulnerably that she was grateful for her care for Janine’s father, who could no longer walk. Janine was not in a position to offer that care, but the sister-in-law was doing a great job of it. While sharing about what a gift this was, Janine got teary-eyed.
Where just moments ago she had been talking about how she could never trust this sister-in-law, finding her gratitude and deciding to express it softened Janine in such a way that, despite the hurt, she shared that she felt a lot of love for her sister-in-law.
Takeaway to try: Experiment with focusing on what you appreciate about your in-laws instead of what you don’t.
These three women are not saints—just mere mortal women like you and me, who took the high road with their in-laws and created a much better experience than the one they were having previously.
So it’s interesting to think what might happen if you decide to experiment with one of these approaches when you’re interacting with your in-laws. How would it shift the family dynamics in a way that feels lighter and more relaxed for you if you used the 6 Intimacy Skills™ when you interact with your in-laws?
You might create connections that make you feel your in-laws are just as wanted as outlaws.
I would love to hear which approach you’ll try and how it goes for you! Please drop me a note in the comments.
2 replies on “How to Deal with Controlling In Laws”
What if your Mother in law is always criticizing you and bad mouthing you to your spouse and children-and your husband takes her side (reports to you her criticism of you) and does not stand up for you.
Hi Mary,
This sounds so painful. Feeling criticized and undermined by your mother-in-law, and then to have your husband take her side instead of standing up for you sounds so unfair and lonely. Sending a big hug.
I remember how heartbreaking it felt in my own marriage when I didn’t feel supported or protected by my husband either. Ouch. Today I feel so cherished and taken care of. I’d love for you to find the support you need to shift this dynamic as well.
Have you joined the Adored Wife group yet? It’s free, and once you’re there, you can learn more about how to bring back the connection and support you’re longing for in your marriage.
Standing with you,
Coach Brenda