How to Get More Help and Housework from Hubby
Dear Laura,
I am the only breadwinner at my house. I desperately want to respect my husband, but I have a VERY hard time not resenting that I have to work to earn all the money and that I end up doing all the housework too. He watches the children, which is a lot, but every so often I get exhausted and lose it. How can I get my husband to clean up more so I don’t get so stressed?
— Pooped Professional
Dear Pooped,
I remember how stressful it was when I was the only breadwinner at our house. At the time, I was so “helpful” with pointing out things he hadn’t done (while overlooking the things that he had) that my husband, John, felt he couldn’t do anything right. As a result, he barely did anything, which made him feel useless and depressed. And it made me crazy because I felt lonely and overwhelmed with all the responsibility.
Everybody was miserable–and no wonder. Neither of us was playing to our strengths.
Like all husband, my husband wants to make me happy. But I was so controlling he saw no opportunity to please me or take care of me. I forgot to acknowledge my feminine spirit by saying, “I can’t” when I was overwhelmed. Instead, I’d suck up my resentment as long as I could and then blow my lid in a very undignified way every so often.
The solution was for me to start being honest about what I needed help with—not by making lists of chores for him and putting them on the refrigerator, but by saying things like, “I want to make a nice dinner for us, but I don’t want to do the dishes.” He volunteered to do the dishes that day and has been doing them ever since—over ten years. When juggling the bills made me anxious I said, “I can’t do this anymore. It’s too stressful for me.” John has handled that chore ever since.
The more my husband took on, and the more I expressed gratitude and respect, the happier and prouder he seemed, and the more relaxed I felt. Having that connection to our money and our household needs when he started managing the bills—combined with his improved self-worth––led to him starting a successful business.
I still focus on my self-care by doing at least three things every day for my own enjoyment. Instead of the stressed-out woman I was once, I’m now a well-taken-care-of one. And it’s not hard to respect the successful, hard-working man I married.
I can’t promise your story will end the same way, but I can promise that focusing on expressing your desires and setting your limits will go a long way toward erasing the resentment you’re feeling. Start focusing on what you want and expressing it without manipulation, frustration or control. Don’t worry if your desires are practical or even possible—just acknowledge them. Maybe you want to be a stay-at-home mom while he supports the family. Even if that doesn’t seem possible right now, you can simply acknowledge that it’s your desire.
Give your husband the opportunity to make you happy and you might be surprised just how far he will go to please you.
3 replies on “How to Get More Help and Housework from Hubby”
Hello, my question is, how do we respond when our husband specifically or repeatedly asks for our help with something? What’s the balance between being helpful and being too helpful?
For example, my husband asked me to design him a website to promote his side gig he’d like to start. I respectfully said he would be much better at making it than me because he’s more creatively minded.
I’m not sure when I should say “I can’t” and when I should help. (He usually gets upset when I don’t agree to help).
Thanks!
Tina, I love how you’re experimenting with the Skills, but it sounds so frustrating that he gets upset with you when you’re just trying to show respect! This is a great question. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share more about this as I continue to create content for you. I can keep you posted when I do. I’ll have my team reach out to confirm your email address to indicate that you want to receive my emails so you don’t miss anything.
I love that you want more support. When you’re ready for coaching on this and beyond, here’s the waitlist where you can join us!
This is an eye opener. We never really understand what it feels like to be nagged. It is all about delivery.