How To Get Your Husband Or Boyfriend To Talk To You
I think you’ll agree with me when I say that sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do is to get a man to talk to you.
You ask how his day was and he grunts.
You tell him your news for the day and he keeps eating without even looking up.
You try to get him to open up, but he gets annoyed.
It turns out, you can dramatically increase the gratifying conversations with him by creating an environment that will make him want to open up and share with you more intimately.
In this post, I’m going to show you what the secret is…and exactly how you can use it in your relationship.
Contents
1. The Secret to Getting Your Husband or Boyfriend to Talk to You
It starts with the most basic ingredient for any intimate relationship–the thing that makes him want to be his most authentic self, and has him feel excited to share his thoughts. It’s the thing that makes him feel he really is loved.
It’s something that’s not all that easy to come by. You can’t buy it, but you can definitely make it at home.
It may take a little practice. It certainly did for me.
The magical ingredient that will make your guy want to talk to you about anything and everything is emotional safety.
You may be thinking, “Sounds good…but what does that mean?”
Emotional safety means that your husband feels free to say things to you knowing that you won’t criticize him, correct him or try to teach him a better way.
Emotional safety means he can speak without fear of negative consequences like having you yell or give him the silent treatment.
Of course, no one can guarantee that she won’t get upset at what her husband says, I realize. But I have a few specific suggestions for you, which I’ll describe in detail.
2. What Emotional Safety Looks Like
First, let’s talk about this part of the equation for emotional safety:
What if you never criticized your husband, no matter how much it seemed like he deserved it? Share on XThe first time I heard that suggestion for a better relationship, I was completely unimpressed.
I remember asking the wife that suggested it, “Have you got anything else?”
It didn’t seem possible to me to never criticize my husband, but that was before I knew what I’m about to tell you in this post.
Let’s say your man was speeding and rear-ended another car.
Or he bought a risky investment and lost your joint money.
Or maybe he was watching the baby and let her fall down the stairs.
Everyone knows it’s best not to berate the man, but surely you have the right as his significant other to say something about it when he really blows it, right?
That depends on what price you’re willing to pay.
You already have a problem: Car damage, less money or a crying baby.
One problem you don’t have is a conflict in your relationship. And you won’t have that problem–unless you tell him what he should have done differently or how he was bad or stupid–even if it’s only implied.
It’s when you say, “I’ve told you so many times to slow down and pay attention to your driving!” that you create the conflict.
Or, “Why didn’t you ask me about this investment before you made it?!” That will make him defensive for sure.
Or “I guess I can’t trust you to watch the baby while I’m out for an hour,” That’s letting him know you think he’s a moron.
Now you have another problem in addition to the smooshed car, the lost money and the crying baby: A fight with your husband or boyfriend.
3. What Do You Say When Your Man Completely Screws Up?
Of course you’re allowed to have your reaction when there’s a mishap, but that’s not the same as telling him he’s wrong, stupid or bad.
You still get to express how you feel about the situation, and as long as it’s not a veiled criticism, you won’t cause any discord.
For example, you might still say, “I’m bummed about the car,” or “I hate when that happens,” or “I’m scared she may be seriously hurt and we don’t realize it.”
None of those are a criticism of him. That’s about how you feel, and even though they may make him feel even worse than he already does (and make no mistake about it—your guy feels terrible when he messes up), you haven’t attacked him verbally and he won’t feel obliged to defend himself.
That’s a huge difference. It’s the difference between being able to snuggle and comfort each other through a crisis, or tearing each other down when things are already stressful.
4. How to Create an Even Higher Level of Emotional Safety
Maybe you’re pretty good about not criticizing your husband—you don’t laugh at him, roll your eyes, dismiss him or tell him what to do. You’re way ahead of where I was early in my marriage.
In fact, you’re ready to go to the next level.
The next level up from not criticizing him or making him wrong, is to let him off the hook easy by saying, “That’s why we have insurance…Are you okay?” or “It’s only money” or “Good thing kids are resilient.”
You might express to your girlfriends how inconvenient it is to take the car to the shop, or how much you hate when the stock market “corrects.” You could tell your mom about how it broke your heart to hear the baby crying when she hurt herself.
It’s important that you get to say how you feel.
But there’s no benefit to saying those things to your man.
It’s not as though he doesn’t realize that he’s made a mistake. Nobody needs to tell him that.
But something amazing happens when you don’t tell him what a numbskull he is.
He doesn’t have to defend himself against you, and that’s when he hears his own voice in his head.
Maybe it says, “I’m going to drive slower.” Or, “I won’t make that mistake again,” or “I’ll make sure those stairs are blocked from now on!”
He’s not stupid—just exercising his right to be wrong.
We all have that right as mere mortals. And it’s a huge relief to know that even when we exercise our right to make goofy mistakes, we’re still lovable.
And when you acknowledge that gracefully by letting screw-ups go by without commenting, you’re not being weak––you’re nurturing the intimacy. You’re creating emotional safety.
Sure, he’s not perfect. But he’s perfect for you.
5. Getting Those Intimate, Connected Conversations Started
The kind of emotional safety makes him open up to you because he knows that no matter how much he screwed up, you’re still going to accept him and respect him.
Sometimes you’ll try to pry something out of your husband and you get nowhere. Chances are, he’s exercising his right to remain silent lest anything he says can and will be used against him.
That’s okay. Leave him be.
Go call your sister or a friend. That’s not where the connection is going to come from, from trying to force it. That never works.
If you become emotionally safe, it’s going to come when you least expect it.
Like the time my husband and I were out to lunch when he started telling me about his marathon training plans.
I’m not especially interested in marathon training plans, but these were his ideas, and it was his voice, his face…and he’s my beloved. And he was telling me—someone he feels emotionally safe with—what he cared about, what was on his mind.
I realized in that moment he was being open, telling me about what he was thinking––just like I always wanted him to.
I felt a rush of pride about being his confidante as I listened to him talking about where he was going to hide his water bottles and which route he would take.
I didn’t offer any improvements or suggestions—just enjoyed the intimate moment.
Your husband will open up too, as soon as he feels emotionally safe.
28 replies on “How To Get Your Husband Or Boyfriend To Talk To You”
Hii….thats such an eye opener.thanx for sharing
But i have a question “what do i do if i dont feel emotionally safe with my boyfriend”?
Great question, Yvette! It is difficult when you don’t feel emotionally safe, and I admire you for still considering trying a new approach.
I did not feel emotionally safe either, especially since our home was full of rage. Once I started practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, it changed the culture in my relationship too. So I had the power to restore the emotional safety myself. Now I feel safe and cherished, desired and adored!
I know you can have that with your boyfriend too. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
what do you do if your husband won’t communicate? I try to talk to him and have even written letters to him. No response.
Penny, Sounds painful and lonely. I call this a cold war, and they’re no fun, but they are fixable. You’ve got the power. The key to restoring peace and connection will be to make yourself happy regardless of what he’s doing, which is easier said than done, I know. Have you read either The Empowered Wife or The Surrendered Wife? If you prefer audio books, get The Empowered Wife, which is unabridged and will give you both the inspiration and the very practical steps you need to make this marriage sizzle again.
These are all great tips & advice, however what about when your husband is cheating or addicted to porn. How do you suggest handling a situation making comments about that?
DamiensWife, If your husband is cheating I’d absolutely recommend getting some support around that, but to start you will find this blog very valuable:
http://lauradoyle.org/blog/my-husband-had-an-affair-now-what/
But if you would like support, consider applying for a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Greetings Laura:
I loved both of your books Surrender Wife and First, The Empowered Wife. I am 60 years old and have been married twice, the last one ended in 1994. I am in serious relationship for over a year now and have been practicing the six intimacy skills. It was empowering to realize that what I considered as help was my way controlling a situation. My boyfriend always seemed very wish-washy to me. I would take the lead on an idea he’s mentioned. I would start helping him fulfill the idea and I would get upset and frustrated when didn’t follow through with what perceived as his part. It has been such a relief , yet unnerving to let go. As I practice it seems more situations come up for me to continue to hone my skills LOL.. This post was perfect, because my boyfriend just stated the other day that he didn’t want to say anything, due to my reaction. Thank you and you can teach an old dog new tricks!
Shane, Awesome! Congratulations on learning new tricks that are helping you be more trusting and respectful. Good stuff.
Hi Laura,
I’m listening to your audio book and loving it! However, I do have a hard time with this too, because times I feel like I’m being objective, not using “you” statements, but just expressing disappointment in something other than him – if it is at all related to him he feels deflated and thinks he’s a terrible person. It’s really frustrating because I’ve tried to clarify the difference that it’s a situation not him I might be frustrated with, but it doesn’t sink in. The other day we were shopping and there were boots he was looking at that I didn’t love and I said, “They look like hiking boots because they are hiking boots” and he suggested I was dashing his dreams of a multipurpose shoe (wanted to wear them to work too), but that’s really all I said. I told him it was the shoes I didn’t love (didn’t love for work – hiking was fine), not him, but told him either way, I was supportive even though it wasn’t my style – am I missing something about what I’m doing here? Am I totally uptight? He asked me what I thought, so I said they looked like hiking boots… and the next thing I know I’m dashing his dreams?! Please help me!! : )
KS, Glad to hear you’re loving my audio book! Are you listening to The Empowered Wife (my brand new book with the Six Intimacy Skills spelled out) or Surrendered Wife?
As far as the boots, I’d say he was baiting you when he asked your opinion about them. He thought they might be good work shoes, and that’s really up to him. The subtext of your answer was, “You’re wrong. You don’t have enough sense to distinguish hiking boots from dress shoes.” I used to make those kinds of comments all the time. Now I realize I’m not the expert on my husband’s life I thought I was. You might consider using the phrase “Whatever you think” next time you’re in a similar situation. It works wonder to keep the peace and the intimacy.
You might consider using the phrase “Whatever you think” next time you’re in a similar situation.
Thank you for your reply! Yes, I just finished your new book and then read the Surrendered Wife afterwards. I have already tried using some of the skills in the last few days and already noticed a difference! Let’s see if I can keep it up : ). Thanks again!
KS, That’s awesome! Congratulations on having the courage to practice the skills. So happy to hear of your success.
What if what he shares with us is about doing illegal business. of course we cannot agree to that. but how to express it without affecting intimacy?
Emma, for me, it’s not about agreeing or disagreeing, but just listening to him. If you express that you don’t approve, because humans are perverse, it’s likely to backfire on you. If you leave him to his own conscience and expect the best from him, you’re likely to get that too, in my experience.
Hi Laura,
I am really avoiding berating, or ‘over seeing’ what my other half does. I must be, as he has berated me for ‘not keeping an eye open’ and ‘it’s down to both of us you know, not just me!’ This was in regards to parking the car in a car park, when he couldn’t get it to lock as one of the doors was open, and I bit my lip! And then he forgot to pay the parking fee (which incurs a fine!) He thought I didn’t have his back! Is this bait Laura?
Kathy, I’m impressed! You’re demonstrating that you appreciate that he’s bright and can think for himself and doesn’t need you to be vigilant about what he’s doing. I think you’re doing great, but since it’s new and you’re changing it up, he’s wondering what’s going on. So yeah, I’d say it’s bait. It’s not your job to make sure he pays the parking fee, right? You don’t want to be his mom. Well done!
Great post Laura. My only question is dealing with him doing it to me. Behaviors create cultures in the relationship. What i find in my houseshold is things will be fine, i wont be berating or saying anything but my husband will berate or correct me here and there. And then i start feeling defensive and then maybe the next time he makes a mistake or agrees to something he shouldnt have, i may say something like, “i wouldnt have agreed to that or i wish you had discussed with me before deciding for us.” I dont necessarily call that berating but i do notice that men do a lot of the things to us that we shouldnt do to them and as a result sometimes as a woman you slip up and want to let them get off their high horse.
Jill, I hear you––and we all slip up from time to time. The only part I have control over is my words, actions and attitude. It doesn’t serve me to treat him the way I don’t want to be treated. If he hurts me, I can say, “ouch!”
I love this Laura. Thanks for the reminder! My husband used my good kitchen knife to cut a dog bone the other week and now it’s damaged. But because of you I didn’t say a thing when normally I would have gone out of my mind!! And I didn’t even feel angry and have to suck it up. I just got on with it and started thinking of all the wonderful things I love about my husband. Intimacy with my husband and emotional safety is my priority today – not something so insignificant as a knife. Thanks again, my marriage is going great thanks to you!!
Fantastic, Madonna! Great to hear.
Thanks!! I needed that today!!
Oh my Gosh! Talk about taking the high ground! Baby falling down the stairs? That would be a tough one. My hat goes off to you Laura if you can have that kind of patience.
Susan, it’s not so much patience as it is just seeing no benefit in berating my husband. I don’t see an upside.
Perfect.
Wow. You are so right. I have been married 29 years and it took me about 24 of them to realize these great tips. Where were you in 1986!!??
Laura this is hard, honestly ……it’s in line with don’t judge. Very ideal. But what if your husbands problem may need outside professional self correction like maybe he likes to put blame on you or outside of himself coz this is ideal if the man can hear himself…..for example gambling and drinking….there is a thin line…..,on a positive note i was following this when my DH gamble a large amount of money and the background was related to impending stress….,he never did it again and paid the price but he later told me I should have stopped him ….but for drinking issues and I know U don’t condone addictions….but there will be a wife dealing with such and not necessarily thinking divorce of the bat..,,just saying it gets muddled with those issues as in hit or miss could work could be worse coz looks like his “wrong” is ignored and he didn’t feel the burn
TA, I guess I just don’t see the upside of berating my husband. It’s like berating myself since we’re on the same team.
If you had decided to stop your husband gambling, he may have missed out on the insights. If you actually could stop him, that is. Not sure how you would.
I am usually positive about his excitements. But I never tell about mine I also not tell about my feelings when something did go wrong.