My Husband Is Not Romantic
Mari-Jean Phillips-Anderson
Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach
I told my husband I wanted to write this blog and asked what he thought had changed for us since I first read The Surrendered Wife.
“Well,” he said, “It really helped you when I was in Afghanistan.” Nope, that was way before.
“Well,” he said, “It helped you when your sister died.” Nope, that was way before too.
He went on to mention several more incidents that preceded my introduction to Laura Doyle.
Pre-Laura Doyle, I would have gotten up and walked away in disgust, pitying myself for getting hooked up with this unseeing, unfeeling, uncaring entity.
But here’s the magic: I let him speak and, boy, were my eyes opened.
I was able to get beyond my anger and listen to what he was saying. What I heard shocked me.
As a (mostly) surrendered wife, instead of being furious that he wasn’t answering my question accurately, I gave him the time he needed to say what he wanted to say. I found out that he really did know what had been going on in my heart for the last decade. In fact, he was more poignantly aware of my pain and loneliness than I was.
I really didn’t know he knew. I honestly thought he had neither noticed nor cared that I felt truly alone in this marriage.
He went on to say, “I guess the most important change was that I feel I can talk to you and tell you things I couldn’t tell you before, that you praise me for the things I do even if they are half-[hearted] and you don’t nag me about what isn’t finished. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you love me like that.”
No, really—he said that! My husband said that!
I was floored. My heart swelled with joy and gratitude for this loving, caring, aware man who chose to come home night after night for years to an unhappy wife simply because he believed in our love and that somehow it would work out.
He believed in me.
I had to learn to believe in him.
Surrendering gave me the skills to let him be the man he wanted to be for me. He only knew how to be who he was.
When I was hurt because he didn’t romance me the way I thought I wanted, we were two miserable people. When I learned to let him romance me the way his heart told him to, I met a very romantic man.
Eleven years ago, for my first birthday as his wife, he gave me a navigational device for my car. I was crushed.
It was only recently that, in a discussion about gifts, I heard him say, “I wanted to be sure you could always find your way home.”
You see, I used to be on the road all day and was often lost. I’d been so hurt thinking he didn’t care that I couldn’t hear how truly romantic that homing device was.
Likewise, Valentine’s Day was historically a deeply disappointing day for me.
Last Valentine’s, however, I woke up and went into the bathroom to find a heart of silk flowers suspended from the ceiling.
Balloons in the hallway.
On the counter, he had shaped XOXOs out of licorice sticks.
Tied to the oven, another balloon.
Plastic hearts and kissy lips on the glass doors.
There also, in the middle of the counter, was a gorgeous bouquet of roses.
I’d been single for most of my adult life and always measured love by Hollywood’s standards: a dozen roses, jewelry, fancy dinners, beautiful dress-up dates, romantic words… You know the drill—you’ve probably seen those same movies.
Once we were married, I tried to help my husband understand what he had to do to show he loved me, but he just didn’t seem to listen. I couldn’t believe I’d ever married him. All those great guys, and this one turned out to be such a dud.
Laura Doyle taught me to stop talking and start listening. To stop directing and to enjoy the unfolding of my own Love Story.
On that wonderful Valentine’s Day, I saw some flowers that a florist had put together. I also saw the real evidence that I was loved and that my feelings were treasured.
I saw the things that my husband had gathered and crafted together because he really had heard my heartsong through the cacophony of our lives’ daily noise.
He had thought of me in every room. He remembered the candy I would eat; he knew where I would walk next, which door I always used.
He knew these things because he loved me. He knew me. He listened and he watched me. He paid attention to me.
The Intimacy Skills™ taught me how to let go of my expectations and let my husband love me in all the ways he could. By using the Skills, I learned to see and appreciate all the things he brings to our life together. I learned to believe that he has the right to his own thoughts, his own beliefs, his own way of doing things.
I learned to listen deeply.
Four years ago, I felt alone and lonely and completely defeated by my marriage. I tried everything, but I couldn’t make my marriage work the way I wanted it to.
I would buy Groupons to nice restaurants, but he was always too tired to go. I would buy him clothes that he would never wear. I looked for and focused on lots of evidence that he didn’t care about me.
I read The Surrendered Wife for further proof that the marriage was hopeless. The book was interesting and made sense. But I knew that my husband would never change. I was so jammed up with opinions and anger that I was loath to give him the slightest chance. I didn’t think he deserved it.
Somehow, Laura got through to me. I struggled so much with relinquishing control. I used plenty of duct tape. Cartons! Little by little by little, change happened. There were baby steps, giant steps, huge forward leaps and, yes, backward slides. But, it happened. Is happening.
Last week, after a trying week with visiting relatives, we were driving home from dropping them off at the airport. When we passed a drive-in movie, I said, “Hey. Want to go to the drive in?”
He looked at me and said, “No, not really.”
That was all I needed. I launched into a dissertation about how we never do anything fun. He looked at me again and said, “No, never. Not when we are…” and listed the last dozen fun things we had done together.
“Well,” I said, “If you’re going to be reasonable about it, I’m not talking to you anymore.” We had a good laugh, and I realized my self-care tank was seriously on empty.
Before surrendering, he would not have answered me in the first place, and his silence would have made me furious. Now, I can be cranky, I can apologize, I can agree or disagree.
I can love my husband, without reservation!
And, I can feel loved by him. Without reservation.
Truly, I have found my heart’s desire, and it was right in my own home.
This stuff works.
28 replies on “My Husband Is Not Romantic”
There is always hope. I have recognized in my own relationships that when we do nice things for other’s usually “what goes around comes around” back in return. How our husbands or wives where raised in their families they tend to bring the actions they have seen their Parents in past into a marriage. I feel Woman think more on the romantic side of things; where as Men, think more on Simpler side of things. Example: I was raised with Parents who always showed love, and laughter towards each other; and my Husband he grew up with just His Mother, but no Father. So he did not see the actions of a loving home. (his words growing up). He told me he did not know what or how true love felt until he married me. So I feel we are all different in way’s of showing our love towards other’s. My husband is more introverted than I am, I am more social. But we have Great communication to where we can compromise when doing things with and for each other. Marriage is always a work In progress, i think it’s important to listen and not interrupt each other when sharing your thoughts and opinion’s. I have been frustrated many times with my husband for not wanting to go out and be more social with other’s. In his past experiences his family is so called “Drama active” whereas; on my side of the family we love doing things together. (husband always tells me; I wish my family was like yours). I tell him; well they are your family now as well, so embrace the Love. lol He has gotten a lot better since. We both are on the same page most always when something arises. Important to have priorities such as Bill paying, and home rules on same wave length I feel.. Being a team.
Rebecca, thank you for your message of hope!
Hello Laura
Just wanted to say that my husband , although he loves our kids, is not happy that he became a father so young. He doesn’t like taking us out to parks or events because he has to deal with the kids. Over time I have seem to have lost interest in him and when he enters the room I tend to avoid him. Is there any hope for us? I don’t even remember why I married him.
This sounds horrible. Completely sacrificing all your wants and desired so he can have ass everything, but you have to view it as the best thing ever? Maybe it’s just me but I think it should be equal. If he wants to be loved the way he sees love than you should be allowed the same.
And I have to say just two more things.. one is, that he was doing something for me, fixing something at my house, and it was very difficult to do. My instinct was to jump in and say “Well, just forget it.. it’s ok.” But I bit my tongue and thought to myself “leave him alone. He can figure it out.” and he did! I just kept quiet while he expressed his frustration, but in the end, he was able to figure out how to fix it, and I could express my admiration that he figured it out, and say “Thank you!” Also, he asked me one time when we were cooking together what he should do with a particular thing and I said “Whatever you think.” and he immediately said ‘I think I’ll do (something)” I thought, “Hey, this works!” He knew what he wanted to do, and he was grateful that I let him decide, instead of chiming in with what I thought he should do.
Judy, I love it!
Laura, I am so in awe of your advice! Just this weekend, he played a romantic song in the car and took my hand, which he never did since we first started dating, he slow danced with me, he hugged and kissed me, and he texted me “I love you, Judy.” which has floored me… he never used to do those things! He would always say “love you” but never “*I* love you”. The first time he did that last week, I said ‘I love it when you tell me that.” and he did it again last night! He heard that I loved that, and he remembered and wanted to do it again for me. You are so right on with your advice! I feel like we are falling in love all over again and it is so much fun and it feels SO GOOD!
Judy, Awesome! Congratulations! I know you must be bringing courage and commitment to your marriage to get that reaction and I admire that.
Laura, I just bought your book First The Empowered Wife and have started reading it. My case is a little different because my husband and I are actually divorced, almost 2 years now. I made him move out almost 4 years ago. But we have been off and on for that whole time. It is obvious to me that I made a mistake, and as you said in your book, I really did think it was ALL HIS FAULT, and that he had a personality disorder (which I alone diagnosed, of course). The good news is, that he has consistently wanted to be with me this whole time, while I have dated a couple of other people. I have hope that we can rebuild our relationship, and I really WANT to be his wife again. When we were married, I complained that he was not affectionate with me, and didn’t tell me he loved me. Today, I decided to make a list of the things he has done in just the past 2 weeks to show me he loves me, and I have a list of 21 things! Everything from “He helped me take my coat off” to “He bought me a coffee when I said I wanted one” to “Offered to back my car into the driveway so I don’t have to back out.” (I declined that offer before I could realize I should have been grateful and accepted it.) It was eye opening to me that he showed me over 21 times that he loves me, and I, in the past, would not have recognized that. When we were breaking up, he would do things for me and I would be convinced I was being “hoovered” back into a bad relationship. I realize now that thinking was so WRONG and so damaging. Believe it or not, there are places on the internet that pretend to be helping you, but they actually encourage you to LEAVE a relationship instead of work on it! Thank you for your insight! I do believe it will help me!
Judy, I so admire your insights, wisdom and commitment about your marriage. You’re so accountable and I admire that. Wow–21 acts of love on your list! I have a feeling we’ll be celebrating your marriage being resurrected and better than ever soon. Get ready to do your happy dance! If you need support, that’s what my team and I are here for.
What a sweet article. Especially this line: “I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you love me like that.” Mine says that too! He’ll usually also give a hug and a kiss, which I dread because he avoids brushing his teeth as much as possible. He’ll then continue on with his video games until 2am. But he’s always very sweet and “loving”. I wish I could hop on a plane to get away for good.
Asya, You sound like you’re furious with your husband and overwhelmed with your life. I remember wanting to get away for good from my marriage too. Now I realize that I would still be there when I arrived. Focusing on making myself happy in the situation I was in was powerful medicine for my bitterness and anger. When I did that, the man who wooed me returned. Turns out he was always the man of my dreams. That’s why I married him. But nobody ever taught me the Intimacy Skills so I didn’t know that.
I bet your husband was once the man of your dreams, and that means he can be again.
“I bet your husband was once the man of your dreams, and that means he can be again.”
Sorry, that wasn’t a dream, that was a hallucination. I was 24 and trying to get back at my parents. Paying for that now. But according to my husband today, we have a perfect marriage, and he seems perfectly happy on the couch, right where I’ve found him in the beginning.
Asya, Nobody wants a husband who’s always on the couch, so I can imagine how frustrating that is! Especially since he sees nothing wrong. That said, your marriage is completely fixable. I get that he wasn’t the man of your dreams, and you have lots of regrets about marrying him. I too regretted marrying my husband because he seemed like the biggest loser pants on the planet. You have more power than you realize to create the kind of relationship you want to experience. I’d love to see you get your hands on the 6 Intimacy Skills and experiment with them. They’re all in the book, The Empowered Wife, and you can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com
Ok, I’ll check it out. Thanks.
It works, it works! This morning I was feeling so frustrated with my husband for giving me too much advice I didn’t ask for and don’t want. I even googled your blog looking for a post on the topic – I thought I remembered one, but couldn’t find it. I was feeling like I didn’t want to talk with him and tell him about my life because I didn’t want to deal with his reaction.
Well, at dinner I was describing my new diet (more to my kids, because they started it before me). And my husband started in with pessimism and advice. I thought for a bit, feeling awfully frustrated, and finally said, “I would love to get some encouragement!” And he immediately changed his tune. It was miraculous!
I didn’t have to tell him how I felt discouraged when he said that, or that I hadn’t asked for advice. Just a simple, positive request. And it made all the difference.
Thanks for this fantastic blog!
Ilana, Awesome! Way to use your powers to create the kind of family dinner conversation you want!
Such an awesome article! I love the transformation you saw in yourself, and your husband noticed too!
Beautiful post. I’m lost. Married 28 yrs with 2 beautiful children and we are further apart than ever. He hugs the side of the bed and there is little to no intimacy. I’m exhausted, I’ve surrendered a long time ago and there’s still no change on his part.
Vet, I still remember feeling lonely as you describe and it was awful! I’m sorry you’re going through that. I admire that you reached out to me. I know it took courage. My wish for you is that you could come and surrender with the rest of us and get the breakthrough you’ve been longing for. I can’t do it by myself either. It takes a village to make my marriage shiny! Your marriage can be so shiny. Start with this free webinar on How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Thank you but I’m afraid it’s over. He blames me for putting the kids first. We have been drifting further and further apart over these last 8 years and I see no way back other than to put my full trust in God. He puts everyone ahead of me constantly. I am a nusence to him. I try being lighthearted and fun but I ache inside. I’ve signed up for the webinar tomorrow morning.
Vet, I felt hopeless too, so I can see why you’re feeling that way. You’re probably feeling hurt every day–that’s the worst. But from where I stand there is every reason to be hopeful about revitalizing your relationship and making it amazing and vibrant again and giving your kids the home court advantage you want for them. I think part of you has hope too or you wouldn’t have reached out to me.
I know it’s hard to believe. I didn’t believe it either. I can’t wait to show you what I mean in the webinar.
Thank you for these posts, they are so helpful! I’m amazed to find myself in every story but so hopeful to know I can make it better.
Beautiful post, and inspiring! Thank you.
I loved this post, I have just started to relinquish control and attempts to get him to be more romantic and it gives me so much hope reading this.
I think I will need a lot more duct tape, but its so hard when external people like his family, it feels like they interfere in our marriage and his thoughts too! How do I deal with that?
jtz, It can be stressful when you have in-laws you feel like you’re competing with. I remember feeling that way with my mother-in-law and trying to force my husband to choose sides. That did not go well for me and he was completely miserable. But when I just focused on my own paper–how I felt, what I wanted, making myself happy–my husband was drawn to me and everything else faded into the background. I know it’s a little tricky when you’re in the situation. This free webinar on how to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life might give you some inspiration:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Thanks a lot for your reply.
I have already signed up to the webinar and looking forward to it tomorrow.
I feel like every time I make myself happy, and do things for me, he either disapproves, does not let me, or when he sees me very confident, acts even more distant from me, as if he can’t deal with him being miserable, frustrated etc. so he feels like I should be like that?
It’s so difficult to really get inside his mind and know what exactly he wants from me so he can make me happy.
jtz, For me, getting inside my husband’s mind was causing a lot of the problems at our house, and I didn’t realize it until I stopped doing that how much happier we both would be if I stayed very narrowly focused on my own feelings, desires and happiness. I’m so happy you’re coming to the webinar! You’ll find it so valuable. You have more power than you think, and I can’t wait to show you how to tap into it for the benefit of you, your relationship and the world!