What Keeps You from Being Your Best Self
You can be standing in a crowd of thousands and still feel like the only person on the planet.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re married or single–loneliness can hit hard in the midst of the busiest seasons.
Nothing can make you feel more isolated and insignificant than feeling like no one gets you–like no one understands the thoughts going through your head and the weight sitting on your shoulders.
Being lonely is not conducive to growing and becoming your best self, but sometimes it’s not easy to find the community that can support you having the breakthrough you’re aching for.
Maybe it’s just finding the time for a heartfelt conversation with a friend who really gets you.
Maybe it’s discovering a mentor or coach who can offer the wisdom you want.
Maybe it’s breaking out of your comfort zone in order to meet some new faces–faces who will cheer you on and maybe even become your friends.
Here are 5 ways being in the right community makes it easier than ever to be your best self.
Contents
1. You Stop Feeling Like You’re Clueless
It is so easy to feel like no one is going through what I’m going through.
And it’s not always easy to meet people with common experiences, but when it happens it sure feels sweet.
Just hearing someone else tell your story that you thought was a secret can save years of therapy.
That’s one of the things I love about the community that we’ve created around here; as one person shares her problem, it gives all of us permission to say, “Same!”
It’s a lot easier to admit that you’re struggling with feeling like your husband doesn’t spend any time with you after someone else says it first.
Sometimes there’s this unspoken “Holy Cow! You’re going through that too?”
That’s a pretty good sign that I’m not going to lose status in the tribe because I admitted something that I thought was shameful or embarrassing.
Just hearing from other women who are describing the same situation you’re in–the one where you thought you were the only one–is such a relief.
Since she’s got the same challenge, then it must mean it’s actually challenging and you’re not just a hopeless case.
It’s validation that this human experience is crazy sometimes.
2. You’re the Sum of the Top Five People You Spend Time With
We humans are a social breed. We tend to do what we see other humans doing, positive or negative.
Being around people who are growing and improving themselves and who understand your drive for personal development means you’re more likely to grow and improve yourself. You’re more likely to feel inspired when you see others breaking the old habits in favor of a way that serves them better.
Plus, one of the things I get from the tribe I spend time with is that they call on me to be my best self.
I try to hide out sometimes, I admit it. But they’re not having it.
They reflect back to me what they see and stand for my greatness and expect the best of me, which feels pretty amazing.
We all are better off when we feel seen, supported and called to be the best version of ourselves.
3. You Have Someone Else to Learn From
It’s incredible what I learn from other women. It’s changed my whole life completely for the better.
Some taught me who I am as a woman, and some knew how to help me have a great relationship, and others remind me where I’ve been and what matters.
Having friends who are in your same season of life definitely has its benefits. But what if you were intentional about making some friends that were in different seasons? What would you learn from those friends?
Think of your age as the level that you’re on in the video game of life. Wouldn’t it be great to learn from women who are ahead of you in the video game of life? And what about getting some reminders from the women who are behind you, too?
One thing I can tell you about being on level 49 is that it’s clear that talking to the other players has made me more successful.
4. You Have Built-In Cheerleaders
Letting people in means letting them see both the good and the bad in your life.
While friends have permission to challenge you and hold you accountable, they also have the privilege of cheering you on and celebrating your breakthroughs. What a joy!
Nobody can cheer for you unless they see what you’re doing. They can’t see what you’re doing unless you let them see by sharing it.
If you’re not cheering for anybody or getting cheered for now, I promise it will make you excel in ways you hadn’t imagined you could.
It also makes day-to-day life a lot more fun.
5. Community Reminds You That You Never Have to Do Life Alone.
Despite the ache of loneliness that likes to pull at our thoughts and soul from time to time, community offers us the safety and assurance that we’re not alone.
Even in the darkest moments, friends have the ability to remind you of possibilities and hope.
They remind you you’re loved and known and not forgotten.
Sometimes I long for solitude, but even the peace I feel in my alone-time springs partly from the inner strength that comes with being part of a circle that knows me and loves me anyway.
40 replies on “What Keeps You from Being Your Best Self”
I am so thankful I found your book through a friend in my first year of marriage. My marriage started out rocky, but quickly changed course after reading your book. I had no idea I was controlling and talking down to my husband. Thanks to you and the accountability from the same friend I have now been married 5 years. I am so blessed to have a incredible, loving, kind, generous man to be my life partner with. He is always surprising me with gifts and help and I love smiling and telling him thank you and watching him beam! You are a life changer with your simple easy to understand steps to follow. You are creating real change – Thank you!
After watching your Six Intimacy Skills seminar, I tried a couple of things that were VERY unnatural…for me to say and my husband to hear!
I had to practice in the mirror before he came home and think of situations he may say or do which would normally lead to my giving “advice.” (Many more opportunities came than I had realized once he came home to usual conversations). I said, “whatever you think, Babe” and it caused him to stop what he was saying and doing. He seemed to be saying more and doing more (I thought he was on to me or found my notes, but realized later that he was just opening up more). We actually had many things to talk about and managed to stay in the same room while talking. He even asked me if I was “okay,” but he was smiling a relieved smile. I told him that I trusted his judgement and it really was fine with me…kinda lied, a bit, but it did become more than fine in days ahead as he sat with me more, held my hand, smiled A LOT more, rubbed my arm, helped with the dishes, and other things which made it easy to get over the things (more opinions about how he did things; which I realize now are not hills to kill a marriage on) I thought were such big deals before…I learned to trust his judgement, even though it did not feel natural to withhold my opinion as much as I forced myself to do (even about the clothes he was picking out to wear).
Another thing which was very unnatural, at first, but feels really good to us both is when I tell him things I love or would love instead of things I wish he would do or not do. He had a very busy week at work and I told him a couple of different times that I would love to go on a boat ride, but trusted his judgment of what it would take to get the boat ready, etc. He seemed to work extra hard that week and was extra-excited that I was happy (even singing silly songs about going down to the river to play…yes, I was getting playful instead of so serious and intense and bossy in my desires I had previously seen unmet without seeing the obstacles I was putting up in front of my own happiness and his).
In short, I learned the power of releasing my expectations to “whatever he thinks is best” and I learned the power of rephrasing my wants into statements to reveal “what I would love” instead of what I don’t like.
Jennifer, I love hearing about you being so full of fun and light on a boat ride instead of heavy and serious. Congratulations on creating a happy relationship!
I am still only about halfway through the book but it has already been a big help. I learned so much about myself which has helped me to be a better wife and partner to my husband. Thanks to your book, I have hope for our future together! Thank you Laura!!
Lori, Happy to hear!
Read the 6 skills, and planning to read them again. I need time to absorb and really practice them! Consistency is hard, and so is my marriage.
But I will say, so far, they have helped me see that I am in charge of my life and happiness.
BR, That’s awesome! Happy to hear you’re feeling empowered. The hard part for me was the new habits. Once I got them my marriage wasn’t hard at all. It’s my soft place to land now.
Laura, I am just starting on your 6 Intimacy Skills and already it has started to help me out tremendously. I come from a shattered life where I felt very little love, didn’t really know unconditional love, until I met my husband. He’d been single and in nothing longer than an 8 month relationship for 10 years when we met and I was coming out of my 4th marriage which was totally drug induced. I had 6 mo clean and a new relationship with God. He is a very spiritual guy. I knew I had found my Prince Charming, my real knight in shining armor and boy did I ever put him up on a pedestal. We dated a year, lived together 3, been married 4. Needless to say, he was NOT as much perfect as I had perceived him. Thus through the years I had learned to disrespect him and he had learned to threaten divorce. So the merry-go-round has gone for many years. Me being a Christian now, and in love, I am determined to remain married to my husband till death we do part. And I do honestly think he’s the only person that has ever loved me completely unconditional. Well … except for the constant divorce threats, which I am sure comes from the gross disrespect I continually show him. I didn’t even know what respect looked like till I started working this program. I thought getting up with him at 4:30 and getting him off to work, keeping the house clean, that was respect. I know better now. Now I know how to respect my husband. And after reading the surrendered wife, I know how to let him do the finances. I NEVER write out a check anymore, and nothing is EVER late or shut off. The divorce threats, well, they are fewer and fewer. Thanks Laura. Thanks!!
Staci, Great to hear that the skills are working for you! Congrats!
Thanks, me too! And my husband is glad too, he just doesn’t quite know why! (Our secret)
Thanks Laura! It truly is something to celebrate! And I’m celebrating also with my mom, mother-in-law, and best friend as they begin to learn the skills and understand why their own marriages are challenged. What a wonderful journey! It’s such a blessing to share a message of hope and to build stronger marriages together with my family and friends. Marriages are so under attack and we enter marriages with so few “skills”. Anything to keep our marriages going strong is worth the moon!
Carolyn, You’re so inspiring! I’m very glad we found each other.
Laura, your Six Intimacy Skills have been like the beacon of light that has saved me from the near shipwreck of my marriage. I was at a complete breaking point and was praying desperately for a ray of light from somewhere to save me before I gave up on my husband. The very day that I felt I could go on no more, I came across one of your articles by chance online. After I read it, it took a while to fully sink in but I felt like I had found something new and something that spoke to my heart. I began to get very excited and read every single thing I could get my hands on that you ever posted online…blogs, articles, videos, you name it. I even scheduled a session with a relationship coach.
Before learning the Intimacy Skills, I would have actually said that I was the model of a “surrendered wife”. I would never have described myself as controlling and I really thought I was doing everything as well as could be done, especially given all of my husband’s fatal flaws. When I first read the skills I decided to try them even though I felt that they applied more to my husband…if only HE would do these things we could be so happy!!! I wondered if I had some weird marriage where the roles were reversed or something.
But as I looked for new opportunities to try what I had learned (in the hopes that all those testimonies would one day be me), I discovered that I WAS in fact controlling! Shocker. I didn’t try to control my husband’s time or actions but I tried to control his feelings!! He seemed so dramatic and negative and so I would always try to “reason” with him when he shared his feelings to try to get him to see the world with my rose colored glasses. I could never figure out why this would always end badly? My pep talks and common sense loving suggestions were met with, “I can’t share my feelings with you” and “I wish I hadn’t said anything”. Once I applied the “I hear you” approach, you should have seen his face!! He took a double take of me and began to share more and tell me things he has never shared! And I felt so good and relived to not have to try to find the solution that I thought he wanted or needed. I thought he was sharing woes for me to be his ally in fixing them! And what was more is that when I affirmed him in this way and didn’t try to control his feelings, I actually began to see his side of things more clearly.
I also began trying to express my gratitude to him multiple times throughout the day. Wow that was hard. And I got creative. But the payoff was huge! He came home so much happier each day and I could see the difference in how he was treating me. So much less critical. It was wonderful. And what was even better is that I began seeing the good things about him and believing it myself since I had to focus on finding those good things.
I have also worked on my self care – we have 8 children between us so imagine how little I was giving myself! I still struggle with guilt over it but I feel more respect coming from my husband and I walk a little taller and with more self confidence when I practice it. And I can tell that it attracts him!
All in all we still have a long way to go (or really I do) BUT the results can be seen so quickly and, as I remind myself of the opposition between intimacy and control, I am dedicated to working the skills in my life. I feel HOPE! I feel like shouting it from the rooftops and sharing it with every desperate woman I know (which might be nearly all of them).
The skills take a lot of humility but the amazing thing is that they build pride! The good kind of pride. Pride in yourself and in your husband. I have a good husband. But he can only be as good as I let him be. I’m still learning how to do that but at least I’m on right path!
So thank you Laura! I would hug you if I could!
Carolyn, WOW! I got chills up and down reading your beautiful post. I also feel your hug! So beautiful. You’re very courageous and I admire all that you’re doing to make your marriage amazing. I’m celebrating with you your success in saving a family of 10. I’m doing my happy dance!
Since applying the intimacy skills, the number of tense moments and arguments I have been having with my boyfriend has gone way down. I have learned to consider and address my needs before assuming his behavior is the problem, and I have started doing way more self-care. Now, when I am feeling “off” the first thing I think of is “how am I doing with my self-care”? and then going to address it. I have learned to respect his way of doing things, and I boss him around way less, which leads to more peace in our relationship. I think it boils down to honoring his good intentions and taking responsibility for my own needs. As a result, he feels inspired to do more for me and our relationship, and he feels more respected.
From one Laura to another, Congratulations on having the courage to create more peace and inspiration in your relationship by looking inward and choosing respect. Fantastic!
Aloha, Laura,
I am excited to say that while I’m already constantly amazed by the awesome and ever-deepening nature of my serious relationship, practicing the Six Intimacy Skills is *really* bringing things to the next level in our life. I’m happier than ever! We’re happier than ever!
Since listening to your book (some parts more than once- so much helpful information! ) I have experienced absolutely amazing increasing expressions of unprecedented love and intimacy from my partner. I look forward to enjoying our relationship as it blossoms into a marriage that is truly a celebration of the love of a lifetime! Things are happening fast, and I’m eager to connect with you and other like-minded women and share this with others.
Mahalo!!
Serena Garretts,
Artist/Mind-Body Fitness Coach
Aloha, Serena! Hooray for amazing increasing expressions of unprecedented love and intimacy from your partner! I’m so happy to hear about this. One great way to connect with me and other like-minded women is at the Cherished for Life Weekend. I’d love to see you there! Here are the juicy details:
http://cherishedforlife.com
Thanks for being on the journey with me!
The most valuable things I have gotten from the six intimacy skills is knowing when I need to recharge my batteries by taking care of myself. Ibhabe two young children and before reading your book I would wrongly think of my husband as my third child. I’ve changed my mindset and learned to embrace my relationship with my husband. I’ve learned that by respecting him, I am respecting myself in return. Whenever I’m feeling drained or overwhelmed, I focus in finding answers in your books. They are a valuable resources in my life. I have become a better wife because of you! Thank you!
Rayne, So happy to hear about you respecting yourself by respecting him, and recharging your batteries by taking care of yourself. Good work making your family great!
The most valuable things I’ve gotten from learning The Six Intimacy Skills are: to express my desires and to practice self care. I was extremely resentful of my husband because he would buy frivolous items or exercise while I am restricting myself from buying things to save money and getting stressed out from taking care of our 7 month old and 2 year old with no time for myself. Now, I tell him, for example, that I want to get my nails done and he will volunteer to watch the boys. I no longer have feelings of resentment and now I can be my true happy self around him. I can tell he notices the difference because he speaks to me in a kinder gentler way. I still have a long way to go with implementing all the skills but I am definitely happy with the results so far. You are a blessing in my life Laura. Words can’t express how thankful I am of your wisdom and willingness to share these life skills.
Patricia, Awwww, so happy to hear that you’re getting your nails done and that your husband speaks more tenderly to you. Love it!
Laura,
Your basic points are so clear and helpful that I wish everyone knew them from the get-go. Not how we grow up in our families of origin, typically!
I especially think you are on to something huge when you write about women taking care of ourselves first—it reminds me of what we hear on an airplace—put your own oxygen mask on first. We get info from our culture, from our religions, from our therapists, etc., etc., that the way we are to be is to sacrifice which typically breed resentment if we are not living our OWN lives. This is so important to be reminded of again and again. And to do this is community with like-minded women—women who get this.
I LOVE how you talk about boundaries in a way so easy to access—“staying on your own page” and not allowing another to walk all over your page either! Great way of putting it. I have used that phrase several times and it gets the point across in a logical way as opposed to a discussion of “boundary issues.” Both are the same, I know, but staying on your own page (for anyone) is really clear.
Thanks!
Susan
Susan, Great to hear that you’re benefitting from staying on your page. Hooray!
Before the six intimacy skills I was constantly in pain in my relationship. I felt alone, afraid and unsupported. The moment I read “The Empowered Wife” and was introduced to the six intimacy skills, it was like scales falling from my eyes. I read the book in less than 2 days and had an immediate shift in perspective. I started becoming my best self. The things my boyfriend did or didn’t do didn’t bother me as much. It wasn’t that he had changed, I had changed. I was stronger, wiser and I began taking responsibility for my own happiness. He was happy to handle the extras which made me even happier. Not having a strong example of marriage growing up, I thought I was destined to repeat the marriage failures of all the women in my family, but now I have hope. I’m still growing and changing each day and I’m so grateful and excited to see where this journey takes me.
RRR2016, What an inspiring post! It makes my day to hear this! Congratulations on breaking the family pattern and letting your boyfriend love you. Yay!
The most valuable things I’ve gotten from learning The Six Intimacy Skills are to stay true to who I am and to do things to ensure MY OWN HAPPINESS. I had gotten too wrapped up in our relationship and dependent on what was going on with our relationship and had lost what made me happy along the way. I also am learning to let go of the control (which is REALLY hard) and show my guy more respect because I’m recognizing that some things I say or do make him feel disrespected or like I don’t value or trust his love when in fact it’s my own insecurities that I need to deal with! This is definitely not an overnight process and having the *right* support system has been SO critical to staying on track with my guy. He’s been incredibly patient along the way and while I’m still trying to put more fun back into my life, I am always reminding myself that he’s still there because he loves me and it’s up to me to take the relationship where I want it to. I wish it were easier some days but I haven’t given up yet and neither has he. 🙂
Natalie, I’m glad to hear your happiness is getting more focus and attention now, and that you’re feeling so empowered to take your relationship where you want it. Awesome!
The six intimacy skills are like a life preserver for my marriage. Having been divorced, I know I don’t want to go there again. But, I simply didn’t have the skills (I needed tactics, real tips) to make changes happen.
It’s going to take life-long practice but it’s so worth it.
PS “The Empowered Wife” is a brilliant title because I can’t really express how many horrible pieces of advice I’ve received or heard others receive that just do.not.work. Laura’s stuff works. What more could one want?
Erica, I’m happy to hear you the Intimacy Skills are working for you!
The most valuable things I’ve gotten from learning The Six Intimacy Skills are: Basically these skills are teaching me to not be codependent. I’ve spent my life reading books about the topic and fighting against learned codependent behavior but nothing has given me any basic, day to day, skills on what *exactly* I can do to be less codependent. The beauty of it is that it’s not even telling me “you’re codependent; don’t be like that”. The skills are merely replacing the bad habits with great habits!
Jessica, Fantastic! I feel the same way about the Skills. They really helped me disengage from trying to figure out what everyone else was thinking. Unless they say so, that’s not on my paper. Great to hear of your great habits.
Hi Laura and community,
I live in Australia and I got a good one, actually the best guy in the world when we married 22 years ago. But over time distance and disappointement grew. I practiced being surrendered, noooo I thought I did. I was controlling, angry, ungrateful, victim like and scared. A beautiful recipe for intimacy right? Oh and self care ? What is that ? Martyrdom is my middle name. I announced last year that I was over everyone (4 kids included) and went to my pastor as a last effort before walking away.
Read running and hiding from all the pain, loneliness and turmoil.
After reading Laura’s book I realised that the counselling I started was killing us. I was in utter conflict between what I was living and being counselled in contrast to the book. I started practicing the skills and bam ….. 1 returned husband. I am still trying to survive weightlessness. He is very passive but if I truly let go of something he rises to the occasion. Well our sex life went so bad he could not perform. This was directly after counselling started and I poured out his every fault and then some. Did I also say demanding him do this or read this? Now with respecting him and not attacking him and using my feminine charm it is almost as good as it was ever.
I keep stuffing up dah! But low and behold he will start revealing his thoughts to me which is soothing like honey. To know that I can apologise and tell him my fault. I still expect distance, silence etc but he still is available to me.
I am currently having a really bad night felling really alone and thinking my needs will never be met. Then I remember or get reminded in a blog that I am not alone. Pick up a chapter and retread or think of what is applicable now that I / We have grown. Like today after crying I knew that my self care was 0. So I ordered take away. I also practiced I hear you. I also clearly stated what I wanted from him in regard to my 17yr daughter’s manipulation and me needing his leadership ( OK 3 times today was too much) but low and behold left to his own devices he asked her pointedly in front of the family what she had done in chores today ( she answered zero) and then when she interrupted me speaking and gave a sassy vengeful response he directly asked her why she had the right to speak to her mother that way! Hmm he never did that when I was controlling him or being shrew like.
So community I felt awful before I responded to this post. Now I am reminded of the wonderful husband I have, how far I have come and the vast distance I have to go!
Ps please help me survive weightlessness. I am thinking of keeping count in my diary lol 8 days in a row is my current record before I ruin it with my mouth.
Diana, Great to hear about your success with keeping your family together and letting your “passive” husband take care of you. Well done!
My marriage has always been pretty good. I married the perfect man! But I didn’t know how to appreciate him, and my life was plagued with fears and insecurities. Being Christian, the word “Surrender” kept playing over and over in my mind. So when I found the Surrendered Wife on Amazon, it grabbed my attention. The advice was so simple, so easy to follow, and do obvious (don’t criticize your spouse, duh!), I totally fell in love and immediately started sharing my journey with friends and family.
When The Empowered Wife came out, of course I bought it right away as well as copies for my closest friends as a Christmas gift. I loved the simplified format of the Six Intimacy Skills. It helped me dive even deeper to becoming a better version of myself. A better wife for my awesome man. To let go of some of the fears holding me back from happiness. Ex: I have three young children. Grocery shopping with them is hard! My sweet husband offered to do it for me, but I knew he would do it “wrong.” I swallowed hard and said, Ok. He came back with the loot, and sure enough: wrong brands, wrong amounts (“I didn’t think we needed as much as you suggested.”) Oh, it was so hard to bite my tongue. I had to call back on almost all of the Intimacy Skills to help me through. Finally I said to him, “Thank you, Love! I am so glad I didn’t have to do this with all the kids. You are my knight in shining armor!” I haven’t had to grocery shop ever since! Just beautiful miracles are happening in my marriage thanks to the Six Intimacy Skills, and my friends have been reporting good things as well! I love watching them finally be happy because they so deserve it! Thanks Laura Doyle!
Awesome, Bridgett! Congratulations! I’m happy to hear about your knight in shining armor.
Hi Laura,
I am so positively surprised that you adresses this issue. I was not expecting that from a relationship coach whose primary job is to coach relationships, obviously. Yet it is easy to figure, that developing on a personal level is a huge leap in the improval of your realtionships with others.
You know, quite frankly this article really, really appealed to me in a very special sort of way (yourother articles also do appeal to me in the majority of cases!).
You see, it adresses a struggle I have been going through for quite a long time. Whats signifcant about this struggle is that I rarely feel COMPREHENDED, even though people might UNDERSTAND.
Its the topic of loneliness, which I think many people suffer from.
Like you’ve said, simply being in a human enviornment is not at all sufficient as a remedy for loneliness. In my case it requires mutual support, communication, a common goal to achieve. The feeling of being motivated and empowered by each other is soo greatly important. Having someone who checks up on you, not because you are careless and can’t take care of yourself, but because you NEED someone to remind you and support you.
Quite frankly, this is one of the things I really miss in my life. I have pretty much no friends or social connections, and simply “only” have my loyal and caring husband. He is a very positive impactbon me and I can only be thankful, yet it is only him amd I have no female friend and companion. I think it is nessicary for women to have close female friends.
My husband and in fact his family too, are very like-minded to me. I recently married him and am not so familiar with his family yet.. they might offer me their kind company, but somewhere deep down I fear, that even if his family members have the same ambitions as me, they might not be so keen to launch the path of self development with me.
I think the biggest obstacle of them all is distance.
Distance, not allowing people to meet and communicate daily.
Distance, numbing the mutual empathy for one another.
Distance, making one feel isolated in their own little region.
Distance, making it an extra effort to try to keep close ties and regular contact.
I don’t know whether or not you might be able to advise me or help me. Even though your article is so nice and really well reflected and written, I do not think I can set it into action ever.. I feel like I am bound to be more or less issolated.
I am terrible at keepinh contact through whatsapp or facebook and I really try to improve but it has been so for years and now I question myself: “Are the people I try to stay in contact with still people who can relate to me and my lifes situation, after not having had a conversation for many months or in some cases years?”
Even my best friend, whom I went to school with, lives abroad. I still do love her and she still does love me. But our contact is rare and one as to face the reality that she cannot relate to my life anymore. Neither can I relate to her.
I would really love to have a close companionship with more people than my husband. Can I ever achive that?
Amina, I hear that you feel isolated and that this has been a challenge that you feel hopeless about. I can see why you feel that way! For me the worldwide community of women who are committed to making their marriages amazing has been an incredible source of connection and support. I love the level sharing and receiving support at the level of intimacy that we all share together. This free webinar on How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life may be of interest to you along those lines:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Before reading your blog, I felt lonely and insignificant. Now I know there’s definitely a chance for me and for the first time in a long time, I have hope, and even if that’s the only thing I have, that’s enough.
You have hope AND you have community!