Can You Be Feminine and Feminist?

By

Laura Doyle

By Laura Doyle

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Laura Doyle is a New York Times Bestselling Author, Relationship Expert, Host of The Empowered Wife Podcast at Laura Doyle Connect.

| Updated: 12/20/2023

What if you want to be able to have every opportunity to do your life’s work and earn what you’re worth for doing it, but you don’t want to be identified as an angry woman who rails against the patriarchy and doesn’t shave her armpits?

Should you call yourself a feminist?

And what if you also want to wear sparkly necklaces and be womanly while you’re kicking butt in your career? Is that going to make you less competitive in the work world?

In other words, what if you want to be feminine and soft, yet still fulfill your earning and career goals?

Can that be done? And if so, how? What does that even look like?

In my experience, it’s not only possible, it’s the only way to truly succeed–if by succeed, you also include having a gratifying relationship.

I’m gonna assume that’s what you mean, because who doesn’t want that?

Here are 3 ways to flourish as a feminine feminist:

1. Honor Your Feminine Gifts

If you try to succeed by acting like a man–even though you don’t know how to be a man–that’s going to be stressful.

It’s hard to succeed when you’re a round peg in a square hole. You can’t even be yourself.

That can make you cranky, and maybe even start to seem like that angry, unpleasant type of feminist we’ve all heard so much about.

As a woman, you’re going to show up differently in the workplace than a man would because you are different, and that’s often a benefit to your clients or your employer.

Imagine if Ella Fitzgerald had tried to sing like Louis Armstrong. She wouldn’t have been able to do it very well, but she would have robbed us all of the pleasure of her gifts as a singer, which were completely different than Louis’s awesome pipes.

You’re different than the men at work too, and I don’t just mean your size and shape.

I mean you as a woman have unique gifts to contribute, like emotional brilliance, for example.

You’re better at knowing how you feel and expressing it than men are.

That emotional brilliance can give you an edge in nurturing the relationships with your team, vendors and clients.

It’s a great quality for a leader to have.

So instead of just acting like a smaller, curvier man, celebrate your own feminine strengths and use them to lead the project or the team to the finish line.

2. Stop Managing When Work is Done

One of the best things that ever happened to me professionally was getting married.

I recommend it for all working women.

It gives me so many advantages in the work world, including having another great mind to help me analyze and address challenges and make decisions; financial backing that helps me take more risks, a sounding board, an admirer when I feel discouraged, and hugs and kisses when everything goes kablooey.

My husband also published my first book and shoots and edits all of my videos. So the list of extraordinary benefits goes on and on.

But before I realized I had feminine gifts, being married didn’t seem that advantageous, professionally.

That’s because my husband seemed hostile and distant most of the time.

The problem was that I was trying to manage my husband like a project or a team member at work, and husbands don’t like to be managed.

They resist it mightily, in my experience.

So learning to turn off managerial Laura when the working day was done and put on my soft, feminine hat when I was with my husband was incredibly helpful for me personally and professionally.

It restored the connection in my marriage, which resulted in me showing up for my work with so much more to give because I stopped wasting all my energy on a struggling relationship.

Shortly after I had gotten the hang of changing my hat, I became a New York Times bestselling author, and went on national TV shows like Dateline, Today, The View and Good Morning America.

That’s how much it helped me professionally to take off my work hat when the working day was done.

3. Express Your Desires Instead of Being Assertive or Complaining

When Sheryl Sandburg famously told everyone they should stop calling little girls “bossy” because it would inhibit them from asserting themselves as leaders in the future, I winced.

First of all, I didn’t like being told what to do, even if it’s about not calling people names. Who does?

It also sounded a lot like a complaint, and implied that telling other people what to do has something to do with leadership.

It doesn’t.

Nobody is inspiring when they complain or tell you what to do—sorry, Sheryl.

The most effective way to get a group of people to work vigorously toward a common goal is with inspiration.

One great way to inspire people is by tapping into your desires and expressing them purely—with no criticism, control or complaint.

And since desire is the seat of feminine power, learning to express your desires in a way that inspires those around you could just change the world.

Here’s what I mean.

Assertiveness says, “I’ve been waiting for your report for over a week, and it’s holding up this project. I need you to get it done by tomorrow.”

Desire says, “I’m excited to deliver the finished project because I think the client is going to love it. Your part of the project is so valuable, and I would love to see your recommendations.”

Which one is more inspiring?

Being feminine at work means speaking from your desires instead of telling people what to do.

A feminist might say, “It’s unfair that women don’t make equal pay for equal work and we have to put an end to that!”

A feminine feminist might express a desire, “I’m committed to doing a great job, and I would love to make $XX (what I deserve) for that work.”

It takes a little focus at first, but once you get the hang of it, you’ll love how it feels to be a feminine feminist.

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I'm Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

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