Confessions Of A Former Control Freak
Empowered Wife Courtney
The Not-So-Pleasant Past
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I was rushing around the house, trying to get ready for work. The baby was asleep, my husband was asleep, and it looked like a bomb had gone off in the house.
So basically, it was a normal day.
However, on this particular morning, I was so frustrated with the state of our home that I decided to do something about it.
There are so many things I could have done: left a sweet note, actually cleaned up part of the house myself, or expressed a desire for a house-cleaner.
But instead, in a fit of rage, I took the Xbox controllers to work with me–in the trunk of my car.
That was obviously the wrong thing to do. But here’s why it seemed like a good idea at the time: since my husband was a stay-at-home dad, it made sense to me that he was also the house-cleaner. So when I saw what I thought was Xbox taking over his life, I figured that taking the controllers with me was the way to get him to clean.
If he can’t play video games, he won’t have anything else to do, and that will motivate him to get the house into tip-top-shape, I reasoned.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
The house did not get any cleaner. But my marriage did get more tense and stressful.
I Decided To Try A New Way
The story of the Xbox controllers is just one of many ways I exercised complete control over my husband.
From taking his debit card to complaining about what he wore, I was your typical controlling wife.
After six years of marriage, it wasn’t working anymore.
My controlling ways had put a huge wall between us, and the man I was once gaga for now felt like my roommate. It was painful and tedious.
Everything changed for me when I found Laura Doyle’s work and I decided to try The Six Intimacy Skills for myself.
I remember reading her books and feeling like it was nearly impossible for me to make such dramatic changes to the way I thought, spoke, and acted.
But, I wanted a happier marriage and a happier life. I was willing to give it a shot.
Of the six skills, relinquishing control was definitely the hardest one for me to tackle.
I’m a self-professed neat freak who loves to organize and schedule. When things didn’t look the way I wanted them to, my default reaction was to blame others or try to get them to do things my way and in my time.
So instead of telling my husband what to do, I tried the concept of duct tape. Every time I wanted to chime in about what he should do or when he should do it, I reminded myself to slap on the tape and keep my thoughts to myself.
I’ve never been so quiet in my life!
But what came of it was remarkable; by being quiet, I gave myself the room to actually consider my thoughts before blurting them out.
I had time to dig deeper into what I was being controlling about–like why I thought it was so important that my house be neat and clean at any given moment.
And why was I so hell-bent on berating my husband if he didn’t do as good of a job as I thought he had time for?
Deeper Realizations Came Rushing At Me
Laura teaches that we control things when we are afraid.
While I couldn’t quite grasp that concept at first, the more I used duct tape and allowed myself room to think, the more I got in touch with my feelings of fear.
I was afraid that if my husband didn’t clean the house just right, that I was going to be perceived as a terrible wife/mother/human being.
I so strongly tied my self-worth with the outside appearance of my life that I was creating huge problems where there didn’t need to be.
Gradually, I let go of control.
Gone were the cleaning schedules and the “little reminders” that I thought were oh-so-helpful.
Instead, I learned to let my inner Girl of Fun and Light come out, and actually looked forward to coming home at night after work.
The more I practiced relinquishing control, the more I learned that the world wouldn’t fall apart if things didn’t go according to my plans.
I grew to enjoy my kid’s company a lot more than I previously had.
I began to see my husband for the intelligent adult that he truly is, and not the overgrown man-child I always made him out to be.
Some amazing things have happened in my life as a result of relinquishing control over my husband.
He bought us our first home when I thought we’d never be able to afford it, all because I trusted him.
I’ve been able to get back in touch with my passion for writing because of the support my husband has shown me.
Never would I have gotten that support from him if I was still nagging him on a daily basis to do the chores.
I’m happier. I feel more peace and contentment than I ever have before.
That’s not to say I get it right every time, though.
Just the other day, I found myself asking all kinds of questions relating to his work schedule. Eventually, after feeling frustrated with his answers, I came clean.
I admitted that I was afraid we were going to have a hard time financially if he didn’t work very much. I also apologized for being controlling, and admitted that my fear was causing me to be that way.
Thankfully, I married an amazing man who instantly acknowledged my fear and assured me that things were going to be fine.
If nothing else, that’s the biggest takeaway for me when it comes to relinquishing control. No matter how stressed or frenzied I feel, I can remind myself that it will be ok–that it’s already ok.
Even if my husband plays Xbox every now and then.
16 replies on “Confessions Of A Former Control Freak”
My husband has a long standing habit of sleeping late on weekends. Usually until 12pm, sometimes until 1pm or 2pm.
There was a particularly bad incident when my youngest was born, and three days later for the first time there were two children to get ready for school, along with a toddler and a baby. He was off work on paternity leave, and shouted at me, asking why I needed him to help with the school run? I cried, he got out of bed and grumbled the whole time, went back to bed when we got home, and refused to get up any other day of his leave.
I was exhausted after a while and suggested he could take Saturdays to lay in, and I could have Sundays. He said OK. After a while, he now won’t get up on Sundays. He says he doesn’t hear the children, so I need to wake him. Yet when I do, he shouts, swears, says he’ll get up in five minutes, then goes back to sleep.
He stays up until 1am or 2am every night. I have spent years feeling disrespected, resentful and so tired all week. After feeling lost, a while ago I decided to get on with things, take the kids out, or do things for me. He has attitude with me no matter how I handle it: It’s my fault he didn’t get up because I didn’t wake him, why should he get up so the kids aren’t unsupervised? On occasions I have gone out, explained where, said he needs to get up. He will have appeared generous, said he’ll get up, and I get back, two hours later, he’s still in bed, kids running round downstairs not having been fed. These were my fault for him falling straight back asleep so he didn’t know that I had left the house.
How do I handle this?
Tina, Wow that sounds exhausting and lonely! I can see why you’re feeling alone with getting the kids fed and ready for their day. I wouldn’t like that either. Fortunately, this is completely solvable. There are few things you can shift and get a much better response. I wish I could give you everything you need in a blog response, but I think this deserves a longer conversation. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches would be right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Loved this! But im wondering if it was okay that she told her husband that the reason she was being controlling is because she was scared that hes not working enough. Isn’t that disrespectful? Or am I misunderstanding something?
Jen, Pretty sharp reading! You are correct–telling your husband you’re afraid about money when he is handling the household finances is not expecting the best outcome, not respectful. Is it better than taking the video game controllers? Sure. Is it ideal? No. I loved Courtney’s transparency here because even though she is a coach with an astonishing story of transformation, none of us practices the skills perfectly, including me. The goal is to focus on my self-care and bring all the faith that I can to the things that he is taking care of, as you correctly point out. Thanks for the insight.
Thanks so much for your reply. I loved your book and recommend it to everyone! I loved Courtney’s story since it’s so honest and relatable.
My friend just shared with me that occasionally, her husband comes home drunk from a party at night and it gets her very upset – so much so that she can’t sleep. She has no fear that he will do something off – he goes straight to sleep and in the morning , he is good as new. She also sees that it’s good for him to “let loose” once in a while because it helps him grow as a person. Yet she is very turned off by it and wonders if she should share her feelings with him about it – of course without expectations that he will change – but just that he should know how scary it is for her when he is in that state?
Barbara, It sounds like your friend has a complaint–something like, “I’m scared when you are drunk.” But I’m not sure what her desire is. Men need to know how to make us happy before they CAN make us happy. Here your saying he goes to bed and doesn’t do any damage and is fine the next day, so I’m not sure what she’s wanting. Complaining doesn’t accomplish much, but it will hurt the intimacy.
thank you for your quick response.
I believe that what’s really upsetting her is that now he started drinking on top of his smoking habit – and she fears for his health (a smoker and drinker !!). Of course she knows what she wants – she would like him to give up both for the sake of her and the kids (even though the drinking is only occasional at this time) , but you write that we can’t “control”. So is this something she needs to work on – letting go of her fear and saying nothing? Thanks again for your time and patience.
Barbara, It’s pretty hard to coach by proxy, as something gets lost in the translation. You say she would like him to stop for the sake of her and the children, but you don’t say why. I’m not sure what it is she would have that she doesn’t have now if he did stop. Surrendering doesn’t mean sucking it up and ignoring our feelings and desires–quite the opposite, actually. It’s about bringing my attention back onto the only person I can control: me. If I get clear on what I want and how I feel and I can express it without criticism, control or disrespect, my husband (and all men) will respond beautifully to that. For more support, I invite her to apply for a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I so much want his verbal support when I am upset, overwhelmed and crying. But my husband does not have a good way with words and he just gets all helpless and does not say even one encouraging word! In fact I need to encourage him, that I’ll get over it! This makes me feel very lonely and contributes to my sadness. I used to try and teach him by saying what I want to hear: “I wish you would say, don’t worry you’re doing a great job…” but now I know that’s pointless, it never works. Here is a desire I have expressed a lot but am not getting – so I keep quiet, not to be critical and controlling…
Can you advise a better way?
Saban, That does sound lonely. Of course you want to feel he can support you when you’re upset. I’ve watched many women who had similar frustrations have a completely different experience of their husbands being supportive of them as they implement The Six Intimacy Skills. One woman was told by a therapist that her husband would never be emotionally supportive unless he went to years of therapy, which he refused. But today she says he’s is amazing and warm and encourages her when she needs it most. It wasn’t her husband who changed–she did, and then he responded to her differently. You also have tremendous influence over your husband. I describe The Six Intimacy Skills in my book, The Empowered Wife, and you can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com
My life seems so complicated……if only it was this easy. A struggling marriage, and then our home burned down. My husband left 3 weeks after that. I don’t have any chance to work on anything. He is at another woman house every day, he took my 16 year old daughter. Our life is consumed with insurance fiasco and now divorce. I don’t know what to do or where to turn.
Tina, That sounds very rough! I’m sorry to hear about your house burning down and your husband leaving with your daughter! That’s heartbreaking. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move for your marriage. We’re here for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
If your husband does not say he loves you anymore. Should you keep saying it to him or would that bother him? I am not sure saying or not saying is more controlling.
M, Sorry to hear you’re not getting to hear the words, “I love you” from your husband at the moment. That sounds lonely. For me control is about trying to get a certain response, so if you’re words for him are meant to prompt him to say it back, for example, then that might not be serving your desire for connection and to feel that from him. But if you can say it just because it’s honoring how you feel, then why not?
I love this blog post! Thank you for sharing this with us. Your Xbox ‘confession’ made me giggle… but haven’t we all thought about doing something like that? (You just took it a step further and actually did it!) You’re so right about control being related to fear. For me, my housekeeping is the same. I am scared of being perceived as messy / disorganised, a negative self-belief that my mother imposed on me from a young age. That’s on MY paper though, not my husband’s, and I too am working on relinquishing control and enjoying life me. “Inner Girl of Fun and Light” – Wow! Oh to be her! How do I get in touch with her? 😉 x