How I Make My Marriage Loving, Passionate and Easy
By Empowered Wife Leticia
I live in Amsterdam, where having a bike is crucial.
Bikes let me fly through the city and arrive at my destination in half the time that a car takes.
I enjoy the scenery at every stoplight and I’m engaged in the world around me. I never have to stress over unexpected detours or long lanes of traffic.
In the rare case that I get caught in a snag, I know how to be on my way quickly. And it’s great exercise to boot.
I can get around without a bike, no doubt. But I’ll face many obstacles and delays along the way, plenty of speed bumps and red lights.
When things are going at an acceptable snail’s pace, a road is closed, and I have to take a detour. I finally arrive at my destination to find nary a parking spot. I go round and round, frantically searching for one.
By the time I park, I’ve taken so many detours and had so many near misses that my mood is not so great.
Woe be the person who crosses my path at that point. I can’t be held responsible for my response.
Except that I can.
And I didn’t used to respond very well, as you’ll see from this embarrassing story.
It’s all about the spokes.
While it’s the wheel that makes a bike go ’round, it’s the razor-thin spokes that keep the wheel in supple shape.
Like Laura’s Six Intimacy Skills™ that transform a well-I-guess-this-is-the-way-it-is kind of relationship into one that is loving, warm, passionate and…easy.
Long live the spokes! Long live the spokes!
Having practiced the Skills for about four years, I consider myself a master bike rider at this point.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t have a flat now and then.
It doesn’t mean that I suck it up or that I no longer get annoyed or even angry at my husband.
It just means that I know how to easily maneuver myself out of any potentially difficult situation.
Since there’s no better way to measure progress than comparing before and after, let me show you two scenes of how these skills have transformed my relationship, all while allowing me to be the best version of myself.
Contents
1. Before The Six Intimacy Skills
My husband asks if I want to go on a run with him.
I hem and haw and say, “I don’t know. I’m not sure. I’ve got tons of things to do. Like grocery shopping. Buying birthday presents. Doing the laundry.” (Cue martyr song, please.)
Eventually, he convinces me, and I reluctantly go.
But first, I tell him that he needs to go at my pace; after all, it was he who asked me to join him.
Two minutes later, I regret it. He insists on having a conversation while we run. My one-syllable answers aren’t enough.
I tell him that’s exactly why I don’t like running with him. He should know me by now. After all, how many years have we been married?
He asks why I get like that. How can I be so rude? I answer back, defensive, maybe bringing up a slight—real or perceived—that he made last night about my cooking. And off we go.
Eventually, he runs off and leaves me in the dust. I feel like Popeye saying to myself, “I yam what I yam.”
But then, the emotional hangover starts creeping in. Did I really have to react that way? What if he’s mad now? I feel a rollercoaster ride coming on.
When I get home, sure enough, I’m met with silence.
Well, I can dish that out too. Back atcha, husband.
And so we continue the entire weekend, maybe breaking the ice on Monday with a text asking about dinner. Telling him, “We need to talk” at dinner. Insisting that he listen to me and express himself. Slapping some patches onto the tire until the next “major” disagreement about something so trivial and ridiculous.
Because it’s in those trivial moments that relationships are made or destroyed.
That’s the state my relationship was in before I found the Skills. Now, let me show you how the Skills work, in the same scenario.
2. With The Six Intimacy Skills
It’s an unusually warm fall day, when my husband asks if I want to go on a run with him.
I love spending time with him and have so much free time now because, at his suggestion, we have a housekeeper who comes more often, and I know that running makes me feel so good. So off we go.
But he has been uncharacteristically curt the past ten days. I decide not to mention it or insist that he tell me, in great detail, what is going on with him.
I also refrain from telling him that he has to adjust his running pace to mine (he has asked me, after all).
Don’t get me wrong, I do want to ask him these things and more, for about half a second.
And then my master Intimacy Skills kick in.
So, instead, I say, “I want to go at my own pace.” He agrees and says that he’ll do one lap around the park and catch up with me as I run alongside the river.
As promised, about fifteen minutes later as I amble up the river, he catches up with me.
I am quiet, as I always am when running. But, unusually, he is also quiet.
Admittedly, I am getting annoyed, thinking, “He’s still in a funk. Why did he ask me out for a run?”
At that moment, I make a conscious decision to focus on the only things I can control: my own experience and my own behavior. So I look at everything around me and practice gratitude.
I take all of it in: the beautiful and winding Amstel River, the healthy cyclists whizzing past, the rowers moving as one, the leaves with their melodic hues, my own (incredibly slow) pace, my happiness that I am so healthy.
And then it happens.
My husband starts talking, and it’s about what’s going on at the office.
A-ha!
Instead of getting into panic mode (that’s when the urge to control sets in), I listen to an important heart message he is giving me.
He tells me that he has just decided it’s time to start looking for a new job the next day. After explaining why, he asks what I think.
With my master-level Skills at work, I gather my thoughts and, after a pause, I say, “Whatever you think is right for you and for our family. I trust you to always make the best decisions.”
And it’s true. I know I can trust him and, with that knowledge, he makes the best decisions.
We go on to have a fabulous afternoon and evening.
But this episode isn’t over yet. The next day, around 11:00 Monday morning, he texts me with great news: International headquarters has called him and set up an immediate meeting.
They have offered him an exciting promotion. We celebrate that night when he gets home.
In Laura’s community of coaches, we call each one of those introspective moments, when we take in all that’s going on around us and consciously decide to respond in a way that supports the intimacy, a “win.”
No bickering, no eye-rolling, no pent-up resentment that ultimately explodes into a he-said-she-said confrontation.
No relying on your religion or ethnicity to explain why you explode. No accepting the most disempowering of statements of all: “I am what I am. Take it or leave it.”
The skills can be scary at first because they are about looking at yourself, deciding to be the change, however frightening, and holding yourself accountable for your own behavior.
And through that, emerging from any situation full of dignity—and being loved, adored and cherished.
I’ll take a tire full of precious air, supported by strong spokes, than a flat one any day of the week—it makes the ride all the more joyful!
22 replies on “How I Make My Marriage Loving, Passionate and Easy”
This is a wonderful blog and I am focusing on myself so much more. But what if all this focus on myself and doing all my self care means i am not home much anymore and it has opened up more time for him to spend with the other women he has emotional affair with and admitted wanting to spend the rest of his life with as she makes him happy. He seperated from me 4 months ago but Living in the same house he is distant cold and unloving. Secretly texting her in front of us while trying to do family tasks. It’s breaking my heart and hurts the kids so much.
Sarah, That sounds really challenging and heartbreaking! I get why you feel that your self-care might just be giving him a free pass to spend his energy on the other woman. But since he still lives with you and the kids, and you’re the wife and she’s just some mistress, and you have the Intimacy Skills, there is every reason to be optimistic that you can put your family back together and make your marriage better than it’s been for years. A wife with Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays. It won’t happen because you were keeping an eye on him to make sure he wasn’t texting her, in my experience.
I’d love to see you get support. You can do this. You would find coaching so valuable. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I have interfering inlaws and they have turned him against me and i did scream at him about it because i was sick of being pushed around and now he doesnt speak to me. I need desparate help. Because my husband was such a loving and nice guy and im in so much pain now and my inlaws have really turned him against me.
Anonymous, That sounds really hard and lonely that your husband isn’t speaking to you. Sorry to hear you’re going through that. Of course you miss him being loving and sweet! You can get it all back though. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to explore the possibility of working with one of my coaches to make your marriage magical again. You can absolutely turn this around with the right support and the Six Intimacy Skills! You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Do you have these books in audio form?
M Herrera, Thanks for inquiring about audio books. Yes. The Empowered Wife is the one I’d recommend you start with because it’s unabridged. The Surrendered Wife audio book is somewhat short because it is abridged.
Reading posts like this lifts my spirit and relaxes me in a way that controlling every situation fails to achieve. Glad I found Laura Doyle. I want to go back and re-listen to the webinar. There was so much info, I couldn’t digest it all at once but I saw results immediately.
Which webinar, Gail? Can you share more about what you did and the immediate results?
Thanks!
Beth, Gail is referring to this webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. It’s free and you can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
This is one of the best posts on this blog! Thanks for the clear picture I can easily apply today in my marriage. Here’s a question, though, about “whatever you think”: I tried for several months giving that answer to my husband when he asked for my advice, and he eventually got really mad at me and said, “I am asking because I want to know what you think I should do, not because I want you to opt out! If you really cared, you would actually think about it and weigh in, not just shrug me off with ‘whatever you think!’ It’s really tough being married to someone who doesn’t care about you!” Which of course made me feel awful, because I do love him very much! So now I’ve gone back to giving advice, which he listens to (maybe he’s just glad to hear it?) but then does what he wants anyway. So I feel stuck. Any ideas?
Rosemary, Good for you for experimenting with saying “whatever you think” to defer him back to his own thinking on matters that are not your responsibility. It is disappointing when you get a negative response like that, but it’s not that uncommon that husbands complain when you change up the dance. Sometimes it’s just a matter of him getting used to the new steps. One question to ask yourself is which approach feels better to YOU, regardless of his reaction? Consider honoring yourself.
That makes sense. I’ll give it a try. Thank you!
This is one of my husband and i’s biggest issues. 20 years of him saying “whatever you want” feels like 20 years of “I don’t care” or “I’m too lazy, disinterested, inconsiderate (etc) to bother to engage with you on this issue”. And it makes him seem more like my kid than my husband. I know that some of why he says it is to avoid conflict and that’s on me for sure. Some of it is he really has no opinion and he does genuinely want me to be happy (he is a good guy). Some of it is he doesn’t want to bother to learn about whatever it is he needs to be engaged in. But a marriage of constant whatever you want and whatever you think can feel lonely and disengaging and overwhelming for the one that has to make all the decisions. I’m not saying I disagree with the skill. I’m just saying that I think either side using this constantly could degrade the marriage. I think there has to be some discernment on which areas can be one spouse’s thing and which things require some mental effort on both spouses parts.
Merrie, Sounds like you’re overwhelmed and tired of feeling like you don’t have a real partner. I remember feeling like that too and it got very lonely. What made a big difference for me was learning the difference between trying to control someone else, which is demotivating for others, and expressing my desires in a way that inspires. Now my husband is very engaged in everything around here, and especially how he can make me happy. Saying, “Whatever you think” (which is different than “whatever you want”) when it was something he can handle himself helped me get there. Of course, you are the expert on your own life and know what’s best for you. You might consider experimenting and seeing how it goes to use that phrase.
Wow! Beautifully written. I cringed when I read the “before” section because I saw too much of my old self. I was so unhappy and tried to control everything because I thought it would keep it from falling apart. Now that I’m focused on my own health and wellbeing, I can stop and listen and breathe. Thank you for sharing a moment in your life!
Great experience! I have so enjoyed reading both books and have been working very hard on me!
Love reading such a post. Helps to keep the six intimacy skills in perspective! Thank you.
Beautifully articulated, Leticia. And so true!
Brilliant post! Loved seeing the practical actual example of before and after, I found myself nodding my head throughout the read, I could so see each scenario playing out like that, amazing!!
It is nice that she has a husband who runs with her, and spends time with her and, actually talks to her. She has started off with ‘a bike’ she can work with. At least she HAS a working “bike”. Some of us don’t even HAVE any spokes on our bike… or even wheels.
But it was a good reminder to: “Make a conscious decision to focus on the only things you can control: your own experience and your own behavior, and practice gratitude.”
My interpretation is: Just let him do his thing, live your life, don’t worry about him or try to guess what he needs. It will only make you crazy. Make yourself happy and forget what is going on with him. Men prefer to work through their own stuff. I still struggle with this concept because we, as women, want to fix relationships and take care of everyone else. Let it go. He doesn’t appreciate it anyway.
Susan, as I was reading this article I was thinking exactly the same things that you wrote. I also have to focus on myself and the attitude of gratitude and remembering that I can only control my own behavior. My husband is like yours and gives me nothing to work with. There’s not too much more to say about that and it’s unfortunate but I try to deal with my reality the best I can.
Beth, You sounds discouraged. I thought my husband was giving me nothing to work with also, and I bet Leticia would have said the same thing. But it turns out I was focusing on all the wrong things. When I changed my focus, my husband seemed to improve by magic. You want a better relationship, and you can create it! That’s what we’re all about around here. Let us know how we can support you getting back to easy and playful.