How to Attract Your Husband in Bed at Night
If the sizzle is missing from your bedroom, you may think (like I did) that it’s because of circumstances beyond your control.
The good news is that the real reason the passion is running low is probably something well within your power to change, which means you have the power to enjoy feeling sexy and desirable again.
The key is recognizing what stands between you and the satisfying physical connection we all want.
The sooner you uncover the real reason your love life is disappointing, the sooner you can skyrocket the passion again.
Here are five secrets to attract your husband in bed so you can get the fireworks back.
Contents
1. Discover the Best Aphrodisiac for Men
We women are so afraid we just aren’t pretty enough to turn him on anymore, but I promise you it’s unlikely that this is the reason sex has gone missing in your relationship.
Even if he says it’s because you’ve put on weight or that he’s not physically attracted to you anymore, that’s just a distraction from the real problem. Don’t get sidetracked worrying about that.
The fact is, you still have a woman’s form, so you’re all good there.
When a husband shows a lack of attraction to his wife, it’s either because he doesn’t feel respected or because he feels mothered by his wife. It’s often both.
What happens in the rest of the relationship has everything to do with what happens in the bedroom.
Respect is the best aphrodisiac for men.
If he’s feeling respected as a man, and not demeaned or like a little boy, it’s amazing how quickly he becomes attracted to his wife again.
2. Stop Being the Aggressor
It makes sense that if you want to have physical intimacy, you should just come out and say so, or get things going by doing the thing you know men like.
That’s how you get things done at work, after all—just be direct and speak up assertively, right?
But that’s not so effective when it comes to lovemaking.
Saying things like, “We should have sex,” or even, “Do you want to go mess around?” just isn’t as effective as using your natural magnetism.
In fact, that kind of instigating is a turn-off, not a turn-on.
If you think about it, that’s not how you got together initially. Chances are he was the aggressor when it came to sex in the early days. All you had to do back then was be receptive.
Turns out, that’s still a good approach—just being receptive rather than aggressive.
I know the fear is that since he never initiates it now, if you don’t say or do something it will never happen.
But my experience is that when you stop obsessing about how it’s not happening and go back to flirting and making yourself feel happy, we women are like magnets to steel.
3. Receive, Receive, Receive
We tend to think that men are ready to have sex any time, so he must be the problem. Actually, that’s us women you’re thinking of. Women are perpetually ready for sex physically.
Of course, it may take a little doing to get us in the mood, and sometimes it may not be very convenient, but women can always perform sexually. That’s never an issue because that’s how we’re made.
But performance can be an issue for men. And any time they feel pressured to perform but can’t, that can be embarrassing.
Most humans will go a long way to avoid feeling embarrassed or disappointing someone they love.
He may be avoiding the whole topic to protect himself from feeling embarrassed or like he’s disappointed you.
Consider seizing your opportunities when they arise, instead of trying to get them to arise when you want them to. Pun intended.
It may sound funny, but if you want a hotter sex life, say yes when he’s ready to rock. You may not start out in the mood, but that doesn’t mean you won’t get there.
4. Get Vulnerable
If you’ve chalked the lack of action up to stress, work, the kids or his health condition—well, all of that can have a chilling effect on physical intimacy for a time, sure.
But if the lull has lasted months or years, there’s likely something else amiss.
A great sex life is all that it’s cracked up to be, but getting back there can feel vulnerable. And if you’ve been thinking it’s up to him to solve this and all you can do is wait, consider the possibility that the ball is in your court.
It may feel incredibly risky, uncomfortable and awkward to let him know that you miss being touched that way, but that could also be the key to busting out of the sad status quo.
There’s nothing more attractive or compelling to a man than to see his wife’s vulnerability.
5. Develop the Skills to Address the Real Problem
One of the astonishing things I’ve been privileged to witness as a relationship coach is that physical issues with male sexual performance are often temporary and circumstantial, rather than permanent and hopeless.
Often when a woman starts practicing The Connection Framework, the sexual chemistry is restored, and suddenly he’s good as new again.
Of course, we live in the age of modern medicines that can also address male sexual performance, which is another possibility.
But what I’m talking about is that husbands with problems that seemed like stubborn physical challenges in bed have regained their function when the wife focused on revitalizing other aspects of the relationship.
In other words, you have the power to make your sex life vibrant again, and it will happen as a byproduct of making your marriage magical again by practicing the Intimacy Skills.
And when you do, you won’t wonder how to attract your husband in bed because you’ll be busy enjoying the fireworks.
72 replies on “How to Attract Your Husband in Bed at Night”
Hi Laura.
I have had years of trying to understand why my husband watches porn without me. And even when he does watch it he doesn’t even touch me. I throw hints and make it obvious that I want him. He either giggles and thinks its a joke or just ignore it flat out. We have been together fot 11 years. Although I know he loves me more than life itself I feel our relationship is neglected. And honestly don’t know what to do any more. It breaks my heart.
Laura, my husband is 70 ( I’m 61) and has diabetes caused erectile dysfunction, but even before that we haven’t had sex in over 20 years. Even when we did, I had to initiate it and then be turned down. It causes me great shame and pain and has completely demoralized me. I have a huge amount of anger about it. Is it too late for me, are their cases where these principles simply don’t work?
He’s not the problem I am ☹️. I don’t feel anything when we are intimate and it’s making it a real problem in the bedroom because i don’t feel anything or even feel good I don’t want it any more ☹️.
Yes, I agree this. You nicely covered all the points here. it will definitely help for married couples. Thanks for this.
Me and my husband has a great sex life, eventhough we are parents of two children younger than five, we still have that passion. Which is great.
But I am always scared of things changing.
All my girlfriends who has been in relationship longer than I, always ssys things such as we have been together 8 years now so we almost never think about sex, I almost never want sex, there just isn’t that spark anymore and honestly it makes me sad and think if it is just a natural progress for s relstionship. To stop having sex, lusting after each other, touching each other, holding hands, cuddling, compliments and the want to do things together?
I have all that now. But everybody talk like it will end.
Will it?
Thank you so much for writing this! I’d been struggling with the drop off in physical intimacy since we married in April (it was great on the honeymoon and for about 3 weeks after, then it got less and less and less). Your book has helped me know not to pressure him, and how to respect him in all areas and just be available when he’s ready. I so hope it will pick up again. I think a lot of it’s exhaustion from his job (manual labour all day at age 51).
Some of what you say here makes some sense but it doesn’t match what has happened with my marriage. I have been married 4 years. Sex was decent before we got married. A couple months before our 1st anniversary my husband started a new job. His work partner was a girl that seems he was very much attracted to. Long story short, I had a feeling something was not right after he started this job. I started doing some detective work and saw emails between them, messages on facebook, and he eventually admitted thst he just felt he could talk to her much easier than me. Not only was this devastating but we have not had sex since he met her. He no longer works with her (thank goodness) and I have tried to get things back to where they should be but sex has not resumed and at this point I am so resentful and disgusted by him I doubt things will ever get back to where they should be. I no longer talk to him about it. It was like beating a dead horse and he never would communicate anyway. He seems perfectly content with our roommate situation but I just feel resentful, and like my life is just a disappointment.
I have tried some of your communication hints that you have given but to no real avail. We do not argue anymore but I still feel completely empty.
Thank you for this incredibly helpful post. I am still having a hard time understanding why saying things like I miss being touched such and such a way isn’t the same as complaining and/or being controlling. Can you explythe difference for me? Thank you Laura!
is it a problem if the number of times I seduce him to sex is more than he initiates?
Hi Laura!
I saw your show on amazon and recently bought your book. It has helped me understand how my actions may have caused my husband to pull away.
In a nutshell, it all got bad after we had our first baby. He started avoiding me and was not around or re prioritising his life for us. We only had sex one time after the baby and havent since (been 3 years) I felt rejected by him and felt horrible about my self- like maybe i was gross now that ive had a baby. I gained weight. He was affectionate. We both had a lot of anger and resentment. He said he was unhappy even before we had a child. I felt he was too controlling but when he seemed to stop being in love the controlling stopped and he didnt seem to care much what i did.
Things have improved since then. We enjoy each others company. Hes a great dad, provider, and tries to make me happy in ways he feels comfortable. I am at ace at self care now. I stay on my own page and am fine with him doing his thing.
I am trying to be more respectful and am doing well. However he sometimes belittles me but guises it as a joke. I told him i dont likeit. I also took the skilm of being vulnerable but that hasnt worked at all. Our marriage counselor told him he iss too judgemental, his expectations are too high, hes shut down and refuses to claim his part. In the breakdown of our marriage.
Hi Laura!
I recently found out about you through your show on Amazon and now I am a huge fan! I bought your book First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors and so much of what you have said is resonating with me. I can see how my actions and disrespect of my husband has made him pull away from me.
I need help. I would love to get back the relationship we once had, but I’m scared it won’t happen. I love him. He is an excellent dad and a great provider. He has a great sense of humor and i feel like he cares about me. I feel he loves me in ways he feels comfortable with. But i need to feel intimately connected. Over a year ago, my husband told me he loved me but he is not in love with me (that really hurt). We only had sex one time after we had a child. That was almost three years ago 🙁 Since he rejected me sexually, it hurt my self esteem and I gained weight. I thought maybe I’m gross now since Ive had a baby. He got really distant and avoided me. It was really hard to have a baby and feel abandoned emotionally and physically (no sex or affection)
I see how my actions or behavior hurt the relationship. He did stuff, too that he has apologized for so I’m basically over it and want to move closer together again. I am ace at self care. I’m staying on my own page. I’m doing better with being kind and respectful to my husband. I am noticing some positive changes.
However, he is still disrespecting me. He always guises it as a joke but his intentions arent innocent. I have said flat out i dont appreciate it and i can give it as good as i get it. In counseling the therapist said he is too judgemental, shut down, and refusing to see his part in the breakdown of our relationship. He is being kinder but i dont like the demeaning jokes and it makes it hard to respect him back.
Secondly, i do make myself vulnerable. In your book you say something to the effect that men like it when your vulnerable. But so far he isnt picking up what im putting down. So a lot of your advice is working but other things he’s rejecting. Perhaps hes just over me and he will never see me in that romantic way again. It’s lonely. I miss having my person.
Thank you for any input you may have.
Hi Laura, what is your view on maintaining physical intimacy while husband is having active unapologetic affair? As he started falling in love with other woman, he started rejecting me. I became very aggressive and tried attempting to save my marriage my pretending she wasn’t in the picture. One of the reasons my husband said he was having affair was because I had been denying him sex (he wanted more than once a week). I thought that initiating sex everyday would have him leave other woman, but they’ve only gotten closer. He’s told me he loves her unconditionally, but loves her conditionally. They think they are soul mates. Should I continue to try and maintain that physical relationship? Should I just try to be friends with him? If he initiates sex, should I allow it, even when I know he’s sleeping with her?
Krys, I’m sorry to hear that your husband is having an affair and started rejecting you, and that initiating sex regularly is backfiring. That is heartbreaking enough without hearing he doesn’t love you unconditionally. I admire your profound commitment to your marriage.
One client struggled with the same question when she found out her husband was sleeping around but she wanted to save her marriage. She focused on practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, including the Skills for sexual intimacy, and he left his mistress and came home. He said he missed her, he loved her and he was sorry. He started treating her like a queen.
I see the same outcome again and again, and would love to give you more support around that question so you can get your man back. I invite you to my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills, where I’ll show you what to do when there’s another woman in the picture.
Laura, i’ve been practicing the intimate skills for 2 years now.
The thing is, everything is great in our marriage, except sex. It happens only once a week and its very routine. If i approach to him at weekday nights, he says he’s tired, and i feel so rejected and unattractive. Last night i snapped and asked him why he rejects me most of the time, and he said “you dont attract me sexually as before, i do it only to relieve myself and i have to seduce myself by thinking other stuff to do it”. Ouch! That hurt so much, i cried for hours after he slept.
He says he loves me and sex is a very small part of our relationship, but it think otherwise. Im so scared that he will get bored and cheat on me or leave me. What can i do?? Im so shy when it comes to seducing someone 🙁 Especially someone who rejects me.
Selin, that is an ouch! That would hurt me too, especially after all your efforts to restore intimacy in your marriage. I admire your beautiful vulnerability and commitment to restoring sexual intimacy. I remember how lonely and painful it was when my husband no longer seemed to want me. Receiving the support to practice all 6 Intimacy Skills appropriately outside the bedroom and learning the surrendered approach to sex made my marriage more playful and passionate than ever! I am eager for you to have that too. I know your level of commitment and that intimacy in every area is waiting for you! Have you seen my webinar “How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life”? It will point you to the resources to learn more about sexual surrendering. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Thank You Laura, I’ve thought about it a lot and I think I’m going to try my best being less IN COMMAND and more vulnerable around him. I should practice the intimacy skills and lets hope things will change for the better. He’s a good guy and I should really focus on the positive in my relationship. I think I’m not being receptive enough. He’s such a giver, I will try to work on receiving happily. I love him and we’ve been married 16 years, we have quite a large family….I should focus on the blessings around me and enjoy every moment.
Keep on giving amazing advice on your blog – it’s so helpful. Plus I will try to practice the intimacy skills properly.
Pearl, I notice a lot of “shoulds” in your comment, and I know it’s not a word I like to use on anybody, including myself.
My wish for you is to have a community of like-minded women to keep you inspired and motivated to take the actions that will make you happy and nurture the intimacy in your relationship and bring back the conversations you’re missing. Having other women at your side on the same path takes away a lot of the should and brings it into joy and camaraderie and remembering you’re part of something bigger than yourself, something that’s changing the world one family at a time. I would love for you to have that too.
Hi Laura
I want to respect my husband in all aspects and I do respect him already in many ways. He’s a successful businessman, manager and School headmaster plus an amazing dad. He’s helpful and kind and so much. When it comes to the two of us spending time together alone, he’s just NOT romantic. He hates going for a jog or walk together, even sitting on a bench and enjoying the fresh air/views. When we sit at a restaurant most of the time his eyes and ears are wondering around the room. I always feel I should remind him to switch off his phone and sometimes I do (which is wrong on my part, I know) but the funny thing is, when he does focus on me, then all he wants is just to kiss me up and have Sex (which Thank G-d is always fantastic and heated), but I feel somehow used every time. I feel all he’s interested is my body and not my company. I love chatting and laughing with him and he’s got nothing to say. With other family members he’s the funniest guy. He’s popular with his friends and can spend hours on the phone with them. But when we’re alone and he’s only with me it’s somehow a one sided conversation. He just listens and lets me talk. I’ve tried keeping quiet (thinking maybe I’m too talkative) but then it’s really quiet and cringe. He gets shy around me. It’s as if I’m suddenly a stranger. I don’t know what it is. Is it something i’m doing wrong?
Pearl, I really hear you miss having great conversations with your husband. I would miss that too! I hear a few things in this post that deserve a longer conversation. Have you considered applying for a complimentary discovery call? I’d love to see you get support with this, because with the right coaching you could have that funny, popular guy to talk to every day. You hold the key! You can make it magical again and stop feeling used. Here’s the link to apply:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Hi Laura, I have read both your books and I am a huge fan. I love hearing you talk about the porn addiction. My husband is wonderful and will look at porn. Before practicing your intimacy skills I was very bothered by it and would try to control him looking at it. I guess I felt threatened. I still struggle with it, but I have gotten better and try to remind myself that he is a wonderful husband to me, still wants to be with me intimately and that I shouldn’t be bothered by his occasional porn viewing. So thank you for reminding me that its really no big deal. I would rather have the intimacy than get him mad by trying to control and nag him about that.
Casey, I love that! What we focus on increases, so just not focusing on the porn issue is helping it shrink. Congrats on your wonderful husband and marriage.
Hi Laura, I am very inhibited in bed. I didn’t start out that way, but over the years my confidence eroded because he seemed t feel threatened by me…we rarely had sex for years and I think I was the one who initiated. I used to feel less inhibited when I drank alcohol, but quit that about three years ago so sex is the only thing that suffered as a result. Also, when I went through menopause I didn’t care if we had sex or not anymore because of lack of any feeling! So I went on a low dose of estrogen and I have some feeling back. Now he initiates when we do have sex but I don’t care about it! It’s so sad. All those good years wasted. I used to have great orgasms. 🙁 He is a great guy and we have made huge strides as a result of your skills.) I have orgasms now with some help afterwards but yeah….it’s so sad. He’s one of those guys that likes the very non threatening female and used to like it when I “baby talked” but I stopped out of resentment. Now I don’t know if I could do that again. I have always been so jealous of the women that got to vamp it up but it would make him run fast in the other direction. Got any help for me? I’d love to have sex naturally….no meds (except I do need the estrogen) and spontaneously. We have only ever had sex spontaneously once in 38 years of marriage.
Mary, Sorry to hear that the bedroom has been such a struggle, and that it’s feeling so hopeless right now. Everything you describe here is completely fixable. I hear your desire for spontaneous sex loud and clear, and I’m totally with you that is important to me too. I think this deserves a conversation. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to uncover the best next move you can make for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi Laura, I just bought your book a week ago and read it – really like it and the message it sends. My guy and I have no problem “getting it on” and I have always seen him as the aggressor/initiator/”one in charge” in our relationship. Just as background, we are in our 50s, have been married three months, and got married within 80 days of our first date (met online, but live in same area). This is his 4th marriage, my 2nd. Anyway, he wants anal sex (in addition to the usual vaginal and oral). I am not too comfortable with that, but will do anything to please him. What bothers me is that, even tho’ I will do anything for him, he acts like I am a bother except when we are in bed or in public with friends. In other words, he barely interacts with me at all – looks at his cell (plays Sudoku/checks FB) the entire time we are eating in a restaurant and generally just has little to do with me emotionally/conversationally. I feel very alone, but know better than to bring it up – he is one of those who does not talk about feelings/emotions and I have found it is best not to go there.
After a recent business trip I took, he actually missed me and acted like the guy I met (held my hand/gazed into my eyes/conversed). That only lasted a day or two, so I asked my boss to please send me on more trips! 🙂 Seriously, tho’ . . . I treat him very deferentially, actually am kind of scared of him, and doing my best here – so what can I do to win his emotional attention? Even in bed, he often seems disengaged (does not say he loves me, virtually no emotion there as well). I think that one issue is he is not over the second-to-last ex (who cheated on him) and in one of his better moments he told me that he is taking his anger at her out on me. I feel like I am just an object to him and maybe a dinner companion/escort, but nothing more. Needless to say, it hurts. I cannot “figure it out” as he earns more than I do, we are both highly intelligent, I defer to him (I never even touch the thermostat or remote – if I want to watch TV I just watch what he is watching and grab a sweater if I’m chilly), so I do not know what to make of it all. The few times I have spoken up about something, such as asking when the 33 year old daughter of his latest ex (to whom he was married for only 4 months) is going to move out – she pays nothing yet can afford Botox and gets her lips plumped! – he exploded, so now I know better than to say anything. He started a new job in January and sleeps late in the AM after his alarm goes off. I have never woken him up – I just let it happen. (I have been like this all along – so I guess your book was “preaching to the choir” but it is a message women need to hear.) One time I asked how soon he would be ready to leave (we were going to the store) and he gave me a real dressing down for “nagging” him – I had worded it wrong, in retrospect I should have just asked if I had time to start packing my suitcase for the business trip before leaving for the store. Anyway . . . I am learning! I feel kind of sad at times, tho’ bc he seems to care so little for me – in the AMs I say “Good morning” (no response from him). Then, when he is leaving (he always wordlessly brushes my lips with a goodbye kiss), I say “Have a good day!” and he usually says nothing, sometimes grunts or says “yeah”. (Btw, he is brilliant and very articulate – writes better than I do and I write for a living!) Well, any tips/pointers/advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, Laura and have a wonderful day!
Carol, Congratulations on your new marriage! Sounds like you have a great guy, but I also hear you that it feels lonely and painful, too. You can make this relationship sizzle again with The Six Intimacy Skills. I’d like to see you expressing your desires in a way that inspires and honoring your self-care more. Getting some coaching will help you get to playful and passionate again quickly. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Thanks, Laura. Things do sizzle sexually/in the bedroom – no lack of sex here! He says that’s one area we have no problems with and I would agree! For me, though, it is the emotional connection that is missing – meaning that it seems I am just a sex object / sex slave to him and there is nothing beyond that. Apparently that is all he wants and I guess I just need to get used to it. As to self-care, thankfully I have plenty of close friends and when with them I feel loved and appreciated for who I am. So for sex I have my hubby, for emotional connectivity I have close friends and family. Just wish that there was a bit of that emotional connection in the marriage is all . . . well, I still have much for which to be thankful. 🙂
Carol, I meant “sizzle” more broadly–flirting, feeling connected and heard. I’m happy to hear all is well with the sex! I don’t think you “need to get used to it.” I wouldn’t be happy with what you describe either. You have the key. Re-read the chapter on Expressing Your Desires in a Way that Inspires. That will make a big difference for you. A coach would also be a big help in your situation. You can have everything you dream of with the man you’re married to if you change things up a bit on your end by honoring yourself more.
Yeah that probably is the case. I just got “The Empowered Wife” book, so I will start implementing some of those tips as well.
I’m saying “ouch” and my husband keeps going via text and in person. I feel like this just isn’t working for me…
Nicole, Yikes! Sounds painful. I know for me if I use “ouch!” after I’ve already engaged in saying something critical or snippy, my husband doesn’t hear it either. Could that be the case? I’d love to see you get some support so you don’t keep getting pricked so much. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to figure out the best move for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi Laura- what about when you (as the woman) don’t want to have sex with your husband? What if you are the one who doesn’t feel attracted to him?
Alexa, Mothering will also kill your attraction to him because he won’t appear as masculine to you. But I’ll write a blog on some other other factors that contribute in a future blog. Practicing the Intimacy Skills makes things sizzle for both of you.
Thanks Laura! Please write a post about it. I love your books but it seems like there is a lot of focus on how to get your husband to be more attracted and affectionate to you…but not the other way around.
Great post! My first marriage ended in ruin–we were young and got pregnant quickly and some built up resentment caused my man to run for the hills (and leave me a single mother)!! I definitely didn’t respect him…looking back it would have taken a lot of patience and growth on my part to give him the respect he craved.
I read your “Surrendered Wife” book sometime after I started dating my 2nd husband (almost 7 years together now 🙂 and although he is far more mature and good natured than the first one, we have had some tough moments! All the times I didn’t respect him created deep divides that sometimes lasted for a few days of cold shoulder energy from my loving husband. Now I’m ever watchful of my own joy, of giving him the space to do his thing, and of showering him with respect and appreciation for all he does for the kids and I. Cardinal rules: I never tell him how to drive; never question his ideas if they don’t seem to get in the way of the general flow of our family (and even invite ones that seem outlandish cause I want to show him I’m on his side). I take a feminine approach to sex (and really relish and enjoy him and show him how much I love being with him–even if it isn’t as much as I’d like all the time). My very happy marriage is a result of many factors, though I believe a big part of that is what I learned from you Laura!! Thanks!! You rock!
Thanks, Happy Wife! Congratulations on your fantastic marriage! I’m happy to hear my work has helped you.
I cannot believe you are saying a porn “addiction” doesn’t phase you. Like it’s just a normal thing and if these women just respect their husbands all will be well. I have now lost all respect for you. I think you ought to do
Some research on this thing that doesn’t phase you.
Tina, Sounds like I’m in the doghouse with you! Here’s one bit of research I found on porn addiction from a study that was reported in Psychology Today: “Fascinating, rigorous new research has now been done, which actually examined the brains of alleged sex addicts, and guess what? The results are a bit different than the rhetoric. In fact, the results don’t support that sex addiction is real.”
When I hear about a husband with a porn addiction, therefore, I hear it as a guy who looks at porn when his wife doesn’t want him to. That tells me she is trying to control him, which is more detrimental to the intimacy than a man who looks at porn. Looking at porn is not the same as cheating, and therefore is not grounds for a divorce I endorse. There are millions of wonderful husbands who occasionally look at porn.
I get that you have a different point of view, and I respect that.
Laura, once i began practicing the skills, our sex life is back to old days, like when we were dating. Respecting him worked like a charm. As i started respecting him, He really started to act to it. A couple nights ago, when we argued over something, i told him that i loved him as he is, no more or no less and that i did not want to change a thing about him. He was sooo happy that he treats me even better since then.
The problem is, he is really laid back, always were, and he only initiates sex in weekend mornings. But my mood comes in the middle of weekday nights, so i cant stop myself from jumping at him. He grumbles sometimes because of my aggression but still does it. Am i doing a wrong thing? Would this pull him away from me in the long run?
Thank you for saving my marriage by the way. I’m so happy i ran into your book.
Bahar, I’m so happy to hear that things are going so well in your marriage! Yay! Sounds like things are good overall. I always like to feel desired, and sounds like you do too. You might consider taking a feminine approach by seducing him in the middle of the week and see how that goes. Otherwise, if it’s not broken, why fix it?
Dearest Laura,
I always learn so much from your blogs. I thank you so much! I feel I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve been married for 11 years and I’m 13 years older than my husband (I’m 44 ) I have 4 children from a previous commitment and a 7 y/o daughter with him. We are rarely intimate, lost most respect for each other, he doesn’t even have a good relationship with his daughter let alone with my kids. I don’t know if I even love him anymore. He tells me he will never divorce me because that’s the only way he can make my life miserable, unfortunately he doesn’t realize it’s just not me he’s hurting. I need your advise PLEASE!
Elizabeth, Sorry to hear your marriage is so unhappy! I remember how painful that was for me. The good news is that it’s within your power to make your home happy and your relationship passionate and playful again. Consider a complimentary discovery call to figure out your best move for your relationship. THere is every reason to be hopeful.
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I’ve been married for 4years this year,and the spark has gone within my marriage, my husband and I would have sex two three times a day when were dating then after marriage has no interest in me. I feel neglected, I’m second in everything, I have tried everything but he seems to not want anything to do with me, I have prayed on it and I don’t want to get a divorce but it’s heading that way we sleep in separate rooms, this is my first marriage and his third, How can I get my husband back without having to stray elsewhere. 3 1/2 years is along time . Thank you PI
Kim, Sorry to hear your marriage feels so lonely. I had the same problem, and I still remember it was awful. But you can turn this around completely. There’s every reason to be hopeful about it, definitely. Have you read The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband?s Time, Attention, and Affection? I’d start there. Or if you’re wanting the fast track to a passionate, playful marriage then I suggest a complimentary discovery call:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Hi Laura, Im in Australia and love your blog!
I’ve had massive relationship struggles over the last few years my husband is addiction to porn and calling sex workers ( he’s always said he only calls them but I’m not sure I trust that he doesn’t go to them) I’ve found him doing this several time and every time he says he wants to change but then I find him doing it again, after the last time he’s finally seeing a sex therapist. a line from your book always pops in to my head about one of the reasons not to stay together if he is incapable of being faithful… I’m worried he drops into this category. He’s a great partners in so many ways but I’m so confused if I should stay with him.
Penelope, That sounds really difficult!
The porn “addiction” doesn’t phase me at all, by the way. There are loads of good, faithful guys you can say that about.
And I’ve learned a few things and must admit I was wrong with what I said before. I explain and apologize in this blog:
http://lauradoyle.org/blog/how-to-know-when-to-divorce/
I hope that gives you some peace about practicing the Intimacy Skills!
Laura
Totally in the same boat with RM….Married 22 yrs. No sexual relationship for at least 15 of those years. His additions have taken over our marriage porn, massages, food, and money! Lies on top of lies! Too old and too tried to start over. Have a 13 yr. Old son with Aspergers don’t want to be a single mom again. Second marriage first was worse he should have done jail time. Way too much to type….
Stuck, Sounds really lonely and painful, but the good news is that you have the key to turning it all around. I know it sounds crazy, but you can make your marriage playful and passionate again. I wouldn’t say it if I hadn’t seen it happen again and again in situations just like what you describe. None of his addictions you mention are the deal-breakers. I’d start with reading The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband?s Time, Attention, and Affection.
Hi Laura,
Thank you very much for helping women understand men and for helping re-ignite the part of us that makes life so much more alive, fun, mischievous, happy…. Thanks for making a difference in the world.
Thanks, Al!
Thank you. This is very helpful. As two adult only children, I know that I have struggled so much with that to the point of rejection of him. We have such a void in our lives parents gone, no siblings, we have been so discouraged and I have focused on the wrong stuff. He’s naturally been very hurt. And I have taken this wonderful guy for granted. The intimacy skills are helping. Thanks so much for sharing in this way.
Thanks, Diane!
My husband is and has been addicted to hard core ponography for years. I have tried everything but he is not willing to give it up. Married for 18 years and we haven’t been intimate for 16 years. Considering divorce but think it’s wrong. I have never cheated but pray often about thoughts of others.
RM, I know it must be painful to be considering divorce even though you think it’s wrong. Sounds like your needs are not getting met in your marriage! You can turn that around completely and make your marriage amazing again. If I can do it, you can do it, too! I’d love to see you get some support. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Lack of intimacy on my wife’s part ruined my marriage.
Laura, your presentation is right on, ….I wish there was a female focused counterpart who had so many right answers 100% of the time for men!
One of your points needs expansion. The biggest marriage killer, let alone sex killer, is absence of respect through contempt, condescension, sarcasm, and the like. Imagine driving a new car that suddenly acts up. To fix it, you drive it into a tree and smash it up. Noticing that didn’t help, you hit another tree! That new car just doesn’t respond like it used to anymore.
Thanks, Fred!
Great advice, as usual. Thank you, Laura!
Thanks, Emily!
I have a friend that always complain that she is not having feelings of sex any longer, not that she is not well but she did not know the reason and solution.That the thing is disturbing her. Please can u advise or give a solution.
Okeke, I’ll make it the topic of a future blog. Stay tuned.
So tired of the men need respect idea. If a man wants to be respected then he needs to act in a respectful way. Ignoring your wife treating her second to your job and everything else. Cruising porn sites no wonder she doesn’t respect you.
Margaret, Sounds like you’re feeling pretty hurt. I get it. For me there was no peace on earth until I let it begin with me. I decided to be respectful even though I didn’t feel like it…and then he started acting like someone who deserved my respect. Crazy, huh?
Dear laura,
I have read your books and post. They make so much sense! It is not so easy to change a whole mindset and relationships. It does take a lot of thought and courage. It also takes determination to overcome many years of habits. I am working on the skills that you teach. I learned the most important thing is your own self respect not if he is wrong (which he may be ). At the end of the day we have to answer up to ourselves and g-d did WE do what is right? Thank you laura for all your awareness you should be blessed.
Thanks, Sara!
Margaret, I totally get what your saying!!! I have that same man in my house! Work is everything and he gives me reasons why he can’t be intimate with me as, he is tired (wakes up at 3:50 some mornings), or he is sick or that he has low T (which is true and he is unable to take anything for his ED due to heart meds). BUT I have continuely caught him watching porn (his excuse…to wake up) LOL COME ON, GIVE ME A BREAK!!! I have told him flat out don’t do anything around the house (not that he does much…) and JUST focus on ME! Attention, sexual/intimacy (what he can do, which isnt much) and talking instead of watching movies ALL the time. Nothing works, he is still as selfish and boring and gives me no time. It sucks being with someone who is like that, I should be in my prime I am only 37! I have 3 kids but I still want and crave to be with someone he just thinks its easier to put on porn and not deal with me I guess.
I’m with you ladies !!! Mine is the same way all his energy and focus is on work and then there is nothing left for me . He is too tired or too stressed and if I bring it up he will start a fight just so he doesn’t have to be intimate . He also has used the low T thing with me as well but also have seen porn on his phone as well . It just doesn’t make any sense to me . Although I read some where before that men watch porn not bc they aren’t attracted to their wife or gf but bc its a stress release and that bc when being intimate with their spouse they have to make sure they are giving you what you need and getting you to your place of ecstasy and so sometimes they just need to not have to worry about pleasing nobody but themselves and that it reliefs stress for them . Not sure if that is true or not but it sorta makes sense . Although it still upsets me and hurts my feelings . It’s hard to respect someone that is doing things that doesn’t deserve my respect. I wish I had the money for a coach bc i always start to implement everything ive learned but fall back into the telling him what all he is doing wrong bc well he doesn’t do much right anymore and that’s not just with me its with our babies as well.
Laura,
Some of these things I read in your book or listened to online but it always helps to be reminded of these things. Please do not feel like “Oh, there is only so much we can talk about this … topic.” But, believe me us women need constant reminders (I am sure you know) and personally every time I trip I go back to read about these things again and again. So, you can write forever and I will read them forever. Plus, your writing style is so much fun to read. 🙂
Thank you!
Thanks, Muge!
Laura, several years ago I was over weight. I would try to hug and kiss my husband for him to tell me”couldn’t I see he was busy”. One night I took a shower, put perfume on, and into bed nude, cuddled boom, he rolled over as if I was there. He is a very light sleeper. I quite trying.
Jeanne, That sounds very painful to be rejected like that. Sorry to hear. Although you mention being overweight, I have a feeling that’s not the real problem. If you’re anything like me, it’s the mothering and control and not your weight that has him responding that way. It’s good news in a way because there’s something you can do about it that will make you both happier. For more on what to do specifically, pick up The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband?s Time, Attention, and Affection.
I don’t know? It always comes down to we don’t have enough money and he is too stressed out to be intimate. If I say anything about missing being close he sees it as one more thing he is doing wrong. For instance, last night I cooked him a special meal, he said he was on his way home, I set the table, got out a beer, really tried to romance him and think of his needs. I’m trying to turn things around. But then he doesn’t come home as he said because he wanted to work a couple more hours. The prime rib was over cooked, the beer was warm, and I couldn’t wait so I ate. The time dishes were done, I took a bath and went to sleep. He went to sleep a bit later in the other room. Know matter what I do, he is not intimate. I’m giving it till August.
Muge, What a disappointment that must have been. I’m sorry to hear you got stood up. Ugh!
One thing I suggest you consider is giving much less and focusing on receiving much more. I used to do what you describe where I’d try to be really giving and do for him and that just didn’t get me any closer to a happy relationship. At all.
Also, on the giving it till August idea, I hear a spouse fulfilling prophecy that says, “This is not going to get better so I’m going to leave pretty soon.” I’m guessing it’s very painful to have things be the way they are, but I so want you to know that you have the key. He can’t fix this, but you can! And I know you’re committed because I see you in the SWEW FB group and I know you’re doing the best you can with the skills, which takes a lot of courage. I hate to see you give up right before the breakthrough is about to happen. I was just like you with my running shoes on and ready to make my escape. But now my marriage is what I dreamed it would be when I said, “I do.” If I can do it, believe me, so can you. So let’s get you cherished, Muge. It’s totally possible and you can do it. Keep going with the skills. It will get easier and more fun, I promise.