Is There Hope for My Marriage?
If you’re asking yourself if there’s hope for your marriage, it means you’re going through a lot of heartache. After all, no one asks that about a marriage that’s full of hand-holding and sweet nothings.
That question only comes up when you’re incredibly hurt and angry, and you’ve been feeling that way for a long time.
Even though it was long ago, I still remember feeling that way, and it was lousy.
I remember thinking there was no way things were going to improve and it was completely hopeless because he was not going to change.
Of course, I was wrong. Things could improve, and they did–beyond my wildest dreams.
And wouldn’t you know it–I was the one who had the power all along, just like Dorothy.
But what about your situation?
Is there hope for your marriage? Here are 4 questions to help you definitively know–right now.”
Contents
1. Are you a wife?
If you answered yes to this question, I have great news–hope just scored a point. So far, there is every reason to be optimistic that your marriage can not only be saved, it can become vibrant and happy again.
That’s because women are the keepers of the relationship.
We’re the ones with all the power to make it playful and passionate, or tense and distant. I wouldn’t have believed it myself, but I’ve experienced it and seen it with thousands of other women.
For the first seven years of my marriage, I chose to be tense and distant because I didn’t know any better.
Then, once I learned a thing or two about a thing or two, I started choosing to be playful and passionate all the time. And that’s how it’s been for the last 20 years.
I mean, who wouldn’t set her marriage to awesome if she had the choice, right? I just had no idea where that switch was, or that there was such a switch. And that was demoralizing.
I know this may sound absurd, but you also control that switch because you’re a woman. That’s true even if your relationship is in crisis, like a separation, an affair or a pending divorce.
You’re more powerful than you realize. And so far, based on question #1, there is hope for your marriage to be amazing.
Let’s move on to the next question.
2. Do you identify with doing any of the things on this top 10 list?
Go check out the list. I’ll wait.
If you relate to some of those behaviors, it’s such good news because that means you’ve just found a major source of conflict and exhaustion in your marriage, which you have all the power to eliminate.
If you’re anything like me, you didn’t realize that you were doing those things.
I thought I was just being helpful. I didn’t realize I was doing major damage to our connection and romance, and therefore to my optimism about the future of my marriage.
But I was. Unwittingly, yes. But it was heartbreaking because it made my husband seem like the biggest jerk, the worst loser-pants, and the least-caring husband on the planet. I even had him assessed for a mental illness and he had one!
I wasn’t surprised. That’s why I thought I had to control everything. Who wouldn’t?
But for now, take heart, because if you answered yes to question #2, there is so much hope for your marriage. For your whole life, really.
Next question:
3. Is this the first time you’ve ever heard of The Six Intimacy Skills™?
Even after I realized that I was contributing to the problem in my relationship–which was shocking–I couldn’t stop wrecking the intimacy between us at first. I just didn’t know how.
Eventually, I figured out a system that helped me stop micro-managing, controlling, complaining and criticizing. And if you decide you want to save your marriage, you can stop those unpleasant habits, too.
If your answer to this question is, “Have I ever heard of the what?!?”, that means you’ve been missing critical, life-changing information: The Six Intimacy Skills, which show you how to naturally attract your man’s time, attention and affection.
One great fringe benefit of practicing the Intimacy Skills is that I like myself a lot better now that I don’t screech with hostility or repeat myself endlessly.
Since no one had ever showed me an alternative to screeching and nagging before, I just did what I saw dear old mom doing…and she’s divorced.
I never even realized that there were Intimacy Skills, or that I needed to know them to have a good relationship. I thought I would just know.
It wouldn’t be your fault if you couldn’t make a good omelet if no one had ever shown you how, right?
If no one ever taught you the Intimacy Skills, then there is a big, bright light at the end of the tunnel now that you’ve found them.
In other words, there’s a world of hope for your situation.
4. Have you been mentally preparing to leave your husband for a while, just in case it comes to that?
If this question is a yes for you, I can sure relate. It’s another hidden reason that your marriage feels so hard right now.
For years I was on the verge of bolting from my marriage, because I thought that’s how I could stay safe. It wasn’t–I was just making it impossible for my marriage to be peaceful and connected.
I didn’t know any better. I thought I should take precautions and plan for the worst. Now I can see how much harm that did.
It made us both defensive because there was always the threat of a divorce hanging over us. Nobody is at their best when they’re defensive.
So one huge improvement to the prospects for my marriage was deciding to go all in. Finally, when that threat of splitting was gone, we could both relax, breath and even laugh together.
You probably didn’t realize that thinking about hitting the eject button was causing so much heartache in your marriage, but it definitely is.
It’s terrifying to know that your spouse might leave you, and if you’re the one who is afraid of getting left, you know just what I’m talking about.
Even if your husband is the one who’s got you scared that your marriage is ending and you answered yes to the questions above, then there’s still a lot of hope for your marriage.
I know what I’m saying is hard to believe. Maybe there are even special circumstances that you worry may make your relationship hopeless–you might worry your situation includes a deal breaker.
I get it. What can I possibly know about your situation? I don’t. You’re the expert on your own life.
But with all the time, heart and energy you’ve already invested in your relationship, I hate to see you end it five minutes before the miracle.
Instead, consider experimenting with The Six Intimacy Skills and make your marriage a glorious success.
25 replies on “Is There Hope for My Marriage?”
Dear Laura.
I wanna save my marriage. I have borderline personality disorder and I am causing too much pain, harm , unhappiness to my husband. he says he will always help me but when I get violent , I hit him and he tried to hold me and calm me down. He is the best thing that ever happen to me. He is an amazing father , religious man , he has never cheated on me , he respect me a lot and he loves our son . I want to make him happy but sometimes I feel he deserves someone better. No someone like me with a unhealthy suicidal mind. he worries about me and he keeps telling me I will get better and he hopes for that day to come. We remarried 3 months ago.. After we divorced December 2015.
Things has gone a little out of control just because of me. I am insecure and I am over jealous , I keep bringing divorce when we get in an argument and to be honest . I don’t want to get the divorce again , we just wanna be happy and he is willing to help me always. what can I do to be better in my marriage? how can I make him happy?
help please.
FiFi, Wow! I’m impressed that you and your husband remarried after your divorce. That shows a lot of commitment. I know how it is to feel like your own worst enemy, but I know that you can make this marriage all that you want it to be with your wonderful husband with the 6 Intimacy Skills. If I can do it, you can too! I love your accountability about your part in the problems–that’s a huge asset you have in your favor. Now you just need the Skills! I have a free webinar called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life that you’ll find very valuable. You can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura,
Thanks for all your great work! I love your book and am working on shifting things in my marriage. I am, however, struggling on the control issue and can relate to ‘the list’ you wrote. Where I’m really struggling with it though is when it comes to issues about our 16 month old.
My husband is a good guy and a great dad… but he can be a bit lax or distracted when it comes to safety and behavioral issues with our little one. So even when I’m able to let go of control of all these other areas (which is admittedly a challenge in itself), I’m still constantly ‘overseeing’ things when he’s taking care of our little one. And I’m 6 months pregnant now (on bedrest with pneumonia and quite exhausted I might add!), so I feel resentful for having to repeat myself over and over again, and I feel like the ‘manager’ in our household… which makes me feel very unhappy and makes him distant and shut down. 🙁 And he rarely gets mad… he just gets silent. (And that’s even harder for me to deal with then if he were to get angry).
I’m just not sure how to let go when I see him being lax regarding our toddlers safety and also not following through on behavioral approaches we’ve agreed to. (i.e. sleep training, etc). I’m afraid that if I don’t say something and Gd forbid, she hurts herself b/c he (or I) wasn’t paying attention… I just can’t fathom it. And he admittedly overlooks some basic safety issues or just becomes forgetful. (And yes, our house is ‘child-proofed’… but he manages to find things for her to do that I couldn’t even think of).
Or when we agree to a behavioral approach related to sleep training and he constantly ‘undoes’ all the hard work I’ve put into things for days by going against what we’d planned. And then our toddler is up in the middle of the night for hours and it’s really because he just does what he wants when he wants to… even if we’ve agreed otherwise.
He’s a great ‘apologizer’ and acknowledges how he often goes against what we agreed to… but he doesn’t change. At this rate, I feel so tired, frustrated and unsupported. And I don’t know how (or what I should) let go of here… it feels more complicated then just not criticising how he makes the bed. (Which yes, i used to do…) lol
Maddie, It’s so scary to feel like your baby isn’t safe with your husband. It means you have to be vigilant all the time, and that’s exhausting–especially on top of being pregnant! Yikes. I still remember feeling I had to be vigilant about finances in my marriage so my husband didn’t mess them up, and how exhausting that was. The good news is that you hold the key to improving this situation, and it sounds like you’re already a student of the Six Intimacy Skills, which will help you get there. I’d love to see you get some additional support. I have a free webinar called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life coming up and you can register for it here. You’ll find it valuable and inspiring.
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
My partner and I have been together for over two years. I recently obtained a job transfer closer to my family, our relationship was very rocky at the time and was in a negative spiral where I was constantly blamed for everything. We were living together and he decided to leave me. Recently, even though I felt cautious about it from all the hurt, we decided to give our relationship another go. I think because I travelled and had found my happy again he said that he thought I had ‘changed’. We are still no longer living together. Even though he is happy in the relationship now we hardly spend any time together, we still never go out and when we do things together it’s always me organising it. The relationship feels very one sided and when I back off, he doesn’t pick up, I just have less to do with him. I have been trying aspects of the 6 intimacy skills and while he is happier now, I am not. He keeps saying that he is moving with me and we can buy a house together but I’m worried because all the money that will buy the house is mine as he doesn’t have any, we aren’t married, and as much as he knows I want to be, it doesn’t seem to be on the horizon. If things go poorly again after moving in together, I’m set to loose a lot financially as well as have my heart broken again. If things don’t go poorly, will we ever get married and will I constantly be living in this one sided relationship? He has cheated on me, while there was no sex involved (to my knowledge) there was flirting, constant late night messages, meeting each other etc. I know he still has contact with the woman but says they are just friends now but that upsets me because she was part of the reason our relationship got to its low point. He has a lot of mental health issues and chronic fatigue and lately because he can’t cope with work stress he has been drinking a lot. It’s a huge risk and a huge call and I don’t have much time to do it, I need help. Please.
Rebecca, I can definitely see why you’re struggling with this decision! It’s a big one and it deserves a longer conversation. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and discover the best move you can make for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi Laura –
I’m in the process of reading your latest book and I’m intrigued. My husband had an affair over a year ago and ever since then I haven’t been able to let go of the hurt and betrayal I feel every single minute of every day. I feel as if I can never trust him again and my love and respect for him has gone way down. For that reason things are very tense between us. I’m constantly planning my escape from this nightmare but something or someone keeps telling me to keep trying. We’ve tried professional counseling but as you state in your book, it’s pretty useless so I stopped wasting our time and money on that. My question is if you think there’s hope for a marriage going through something like this despite the incredible anger I have that I can’t seem to release. There are times when I look at him as the enemy instead of the incredible man that I married 15 years ago. Thank you for all that you do. You’ve given me hope and that’s more than I’ve had in a long time.
Mary, I get how painful this betrayal has been. Who wouldn’t be deeply hurt? But I also hear how something is telling you to keep trying, and I admire that very much. I don’t just think there’s hope for your marriage–I know there is. I have the honor of witnessing thousands of marriages come back to life and be better than ever after the husband has an affair and the wife practices the Intimacy Skills. You have the power to bring out the best in the incredible man you married 15 years ago. I’d love to see you get some support because it speeds the process dramatically and also lessens the pain substantially. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with a coach might be right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Ive read the surrendered wife long ago and try to follow it a lot.
Ive read alot of the articles you offer too, including the six intimacy skills. I try hard to follow everything as much as i can.
My problem is that when i try to make myself happy which i try to do a lot. My husband gets mad and feels like its all at his expense, and then i feel hurt and then a negative cycle begins.
Any advice?
Hudi, That does sound very hurtful. It sounds like your husband is not used to the new Hudi and is responding negatively as you try to make yourself happy. It’s not that unusual, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you to be happy–just that he’s not used to the new dance you’re doing. Have you read The Empowered Wife? Or you can listen to it on audiobook. That would give you additional instructions and inspiration. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com
Yes, I’ve experienced that as well. In fact, every time I did anything in the realm of self care, he would fume for a long time – even as long as two months. But the beauty is that I kept on going – despite the lack of support – and although he is still not happy about the changes I made, at least the intensity of his displeasure is gone – and it just feels so empowering to finally be in charge of “me”. I no longer fear his tantrums. I do what I gotta do, let him tantrum, and keep going.
At the end of the day, I’ve come to realise that not all men are as “manly” than others – mine admitted that it does not make him feel good to make his wife happy – it’s something that is not instinctive to him – but the good part is that while I can’t control him or the outcome of my efforts, I could control me, and that is very empowering.
Thank you Laura! I am curious. You always say if the husband is abusive, using drugs etc. he is not a good guy. What if he is hurting himself at times, like cutting himself. And had those even before you? Which is not a very frequent thing but when he feels like he can’t take it anymore he did this a few times. What then?
Also, I have been considering coaching but I tried the Intimacy Skills on and off for the past year (like 2 months on 2 months off etc.). So, when I try them we are relatively better . But then, we go back to our lives where there is a wall between us even if I keep applying the skills. It has been so many back and forths that it became a vicious cycle. So, he is not unfamiliar with my Intimacy Skill Behavior but I feel that it is like he gets immune to it so when I give it another try I will have to try harder and stronger to break that barrier every time because he knows it does not last forever and I will go back to my old self.
What do you think about this?
C, I can relate to you having a hard time staying consistent with the Intimacy Skills. Sometimes I feel tempted to go back to my old ways too. Mostly I have good habits now, so it doesn’t take so much focus, and what made all the difference was being part of a community of women who are also applying them. Part of why I continue to teach and coach is because I like that it helps me remember who I want to be: My best self. Coaching would make all the difference for you. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches might be right for you. I would love to see you get support. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Thank you so much for your response! What about the self-harm thing?
Also, we wanted to just take a break for 2-3 months to breath and see how we feel separately. Do you think I should try coaching after I return? Because it will be harder to apply it while we are away I am assuming.
C, In terms of will the Intimacy Skills work for you, I’m not worried about the self-harm incidents. It doesn’t make YOU unsafe. Not to dismiss that it’s scary, but it won’t keep you from getting the kind of relationship you want when you practice The Intimacy Skills. When you say, “We” wanted to take a break, I hear that YOU wanted to take a break. Do I have that right? If so, then I hear that (and he does too) as you’re leaning toward ending the relationship, which is terrifying to him and will put more distance between you. I hear two messages from you: I want a better relationship and I don’t want to be in this relationship (thus the break). Since you’re writing to me, I’m assuming the former is the stronger desire of the two. If I’m tracking you right, I suggest you get a coach ASAP and make this the marriage you’ve always known it could be. That said, you are the expert on your life and I know you’ll do what is best for you.
So what are the 6?
Heidi, I talk about them here:
http://lauradoyle.org/blog/six-intimacy-skills/
Love my husband very much.
I have 3 kid ages 2,4,5 and I’m a stay at home mom. I’m very lucky to stay at home.
I feel that it’s the person who makes all the money in the relationship has all the power.
I really want our marriage to work we are just at a really bad place. It’s mostly me and my lonliness I guess.
I keep listening to the book and it’s great. I just feel I’m loosing all of my self identity.
Amy, Loneliness is awful, and feeling like your losing yourself is too. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that right now. Sounds like there’s also some financial struggle at your house. Since the book is speaking to you, I would love to see you get some support and community with applying what you’re learning at a deeper level. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches might be right for you. It makes a world of difference. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
laura how get him buy me gifts or even outing i buy it all aim about ready buy own ring 4 years this month
Tammy, I have a blog about that also:
http://lauradoyle.org/blog/how-to-be-feminine/
2 years ago my husband told me he’s not in love with me anymore, I have tried everything I can to look at my contributions to the breakdown of our marriage but he just refuses to let me back in. 7 weeks ago he left me and our 2 young children saying he needed some space. My life was at rock bottom from the pain and hurt. He says he doesn’t want a divorce but he also doesn’t want/can’t to say that he wants us to get back together as he feels scared that nothing will be different. I know I’m doing the wrong thing by asking that question.
The reason for him not being in love with me anymore is because I didn’t pay enough attention to him, he didn’t feel that his feelings were considered and that I focused on the way things affected me, I didn’t contribute/give to relationship as much as he did and he didn’t feel respected. I looked at your top 10 list of doing things wrong and can see I probably did a few of them but certainly it was less than half of them. So yes I do wonder is there really any hope left for my marriage. I feel I should just set him free from my tight grip and allow him to find happiness.
JWS, I’m sorry to hear about this painful development in your marriage. I can see why you feel it might be better to let go, but in my experience this breakdown is totally solvable, and it sounds like your desire is to make your marriage playful and passionate again. I hear that you’re only doing a few of the things on the top 10 list and not all of them, and what was true for me is that even doing one of them did immeasurable harm to the connection in my marriage. Plus, it didn’t feel all that good for me to do them! You are the expert on your own life and you know what’s best for you. But if you’re asking me if your marriage can be restored to the way it was when you first fell in love, if you can save your family and make it a happy one, then my answer is that it definitely can be all of that. And you’ll also become your best self along the way. I’m not saying it will be easy, but I am saying it will be worth it.
Here’s a great place to get started:
http://lauradoyle.org/blog/six-intimacy-skills/
Thank you Laura, today he has told me that he doesnt see a future for us, nor does he feel he will ever feel the love for me he once felt and that I deserve. We are living apart should I try and avoid contact with him for a while unless its about the children and let things cool down or should I see him as often as I can and keep things positive.
JWS, I’m sorry to hear! It sounds crazy, but I wouldn’t take that as gospel. I hear that he’s hurt and feels hopeless, but that can change as you implement the skills. Because you have so much at stake, I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches might be right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/