My Husband Doesn’t Respect Me
It feels really bad when the man who promised to love honor and cherish you sneers at you when you’re talking, takes sides with the kids, or doesn’t bother to answer you when you’re saying something important. Or if he makes demands or criticizes you, that’s so hurtful and insulting.
You start to feel like you’re always on guard to protect yourself, which is tiring. How is it ever going to improve when he’s just getting ruder and more dismissive? It’s scary to think about spending the rest of your life with someone who is so disrespectful!
I talk a lot about how to be respectful on this blog, but what about you getting respect?
Here’s a powerful way to break out of the cycle of feeling disrespected by your husband and create a new culture at your house. You ready? Here is a three-part experiment you can try:
Contents
1) Stay On Your Paper
The first part is to let him know when you’re hurt.
You might think, “Oh, I let him know when I’m hurt! I’ve told him how upset I am, how rude he’s being, and how disrespectful he is all the time! And that’s not working! At all.”
That’s what I did too! And it didn’t improve things around here either until I learned a phrase that I’m going to show you right now.
Turns out, I wasn’t letting John know I was hurt. I was telling him that he hurt me!
I blamed him for blaming me and criticized him for criticizing me. I wasn’t being vulnerable, so he didn’t see me as needing protection or tenderness.
I’d already solved any problems I was having by launching a counterattack at him, so I didn’t need his help. He was too busy trying to defend himself from my verbal punches to protect me or care for me anyway.
I don’t know of any payoff or benefit to telling my husband that he hurt me, except for satisfying my desire as a mere mortal woman to PUNISH HIM. My desire to make him pay for hurting me felt as tempting as a fresh bread bowl at dinner, but it was counterfeit.
Oh, there was a moment of human satisfaction in telling him he hurt me, but it was fleeting, and followed by a blow-up, an emotional hangover, and a frost at my house.
It wasn’t until I learned to STOP jumping onto his paper by telling him what he was doing wrong and just stay with myself by saying “Ouch!” that I got a completely different and much better response.
2) Use This Fight-Stopping Superpower
Here’s why this cheat phrase is so powerful:
“Ouch!” does not mean “You hurt me.”
“Ouch!” only means “I hurt.”
That’s it. “I hurt.”
This may sound like a ridiculously subtle difference, but I love this distinction because it’s been so empowering for me.
There’s no blame or criticism in “Ouch!” When I say it, I’m just slowing down to tend to my own painful feelings, which, it turns out, I’m responsible for.
But what if I’m hurt BECAUSE my husband was just incredibly rude or mean?
Well, that used to happen around here.
But check it out: My superpower of being able to respond with a dignified “Ouch!” was such a stark contrast to his disrespectful words that instead of fueling the fight, it brought the angry train to a screeching halt.
3) Get an Apology
Saying “Ouch!” also often has the effect of eliciting an apology.
That’s right–an apology!
And his tenderness. The very things I wanted so much when I was telling him how disrespectful and rude he was being!
I admit though, it wasn’t easy at first to summon an “Ouch!” when my instincts were telling me “Just let him have it!”
But going to battle with my husband like that was not only unpleasant, it meant I didn’t have time to tend to my feelings. Which meant my ouchy wounds were left to fester instead of getting the attention from me that they deserved.
There’s so much mutual respect and emotional safety at my house now that I rarely reach for an “Ouch!”
Cleaning up my side of the street and learning what respect looks like to a man have helped a lot with that, but so has honoring myself by saying “Ouch!” with my husband, my friends, my family and colleagues instead of going to battle.
That’s made me more resilient. There’s a lot of inner strength in knowing I can stay with myself when I’m hurt, no matter the circumstances.
These days, it’s hard to imagine feeling disrespected by my husband or anyone else, even my worst critics.
Of course I still have tender spots on me that get triggered, like any mere mortal woman does.
I was pained recently by my dad noticing I have a lot of blonde hair on my chin and asking if I was lacking estrogen. Ouch! He didn’t mean to hurt me, but he hit a tender spot! Can’t we just pretend I’m still in my forties and that I don’t have hair in unsightly places?
The truth hurts!
But that’s on me. And somehow, the simple act of respecting my own feelings by pausing to say “Ouch!” when I feel hurt has made me feel more respected everywhere I go.
It’s almost like I’m bringing my own self-respect, which everyone else recognized and responds to.
So it’s interesting to think about what might happen if you experiment with using the word “Ouch!” when you feel disrespected by your husband, your mom, your kids, or anyone else who seems to put pressure on your tender spots, like slapping your back where you’re already sunburned.
Will saying “Ouch!” make you feel more confident and resilient too? As the expert on your own life, only you know what’s best in your situation.
I would love to hear what works for you in the comments!
2 replies on “My Husband Doesn’t Respect Me”
How do you handle not getting an apology after saying Ouch? It turns me more resentful. Sometimes if I fight back I’ll get an apology, or at least some satisfaction even though it’s fleeting.
Hello RedRose81,
Sharing an “Ouch” is such a brave and vulnerable move, and not getting the response you’re hoping for sounds so frustrating and painful too.
I’ve been there–feeling the satisfaction of an apology I coaxed out of my husband but then still wanting more.
Have you joined the Adored Wife group yet? It’s free, and once you get started you’ll learn next steps on how to fix this and get back to a playful, passionate marriage. I’m so glad you reached out.
You are not alone,
Coach Brenda