My Husband Flirts and Thinks It’s No Big Deal

My Husband Flirts and Thinks It’s No Big Deal

4 Questions to Get the Respect You Deserve without Causing a Fight

Catching your husband ogling other women feels bad.

It can shake your confidence and make you feel less desirable.

But when you hear his voice lilt when he’s speaking to another woman or catch him texting or Facebooking her, that sets your alarms off and makes you feel truly terrible.

Can you really trust him? Is it completely innocent, like he claims? Or is he crossing the line?

Where does it stop?

Sometimes there’s no real way to know, so your mind wanders and strikes fear in your heart.

why am i so insecure about my husband

Fortunately, you can restore your confidence, get the respect you deserve and preserve the passion, all at the same time.

Here are 4 questions to ask when your husband flirts and says it’s nothing: Click To Tweet

1. Ask Yourself “What Am I Afraid Of?”

Here’s an insight that changed my whole life: Whenever I’m tempted to control the way my husband interacts with other people, it’s because I’m afraid.

I’m afraid he’ll make the wrong impression and I’ll feel embarrassed, or that he won’t get a good deal and I’ll have to go without.

If I’m not afraid, I don’t have to try to control.

When you find yourself trying to get your husband to stop flirting with other women, it’s because you’re afraid of something.

Knowing the answer to the question “What are you afraid of?” is a good start to tapping into your power to inspire his undying loyalty to you and only you.

When I learned that my husband had looked up three ex-girlfriends on Facebook, it gave me pause.

I remember wondering why he would do that. I realized I was afraid he was still thinking about them, which I didn’t like.

I was afraid he might reconnect with one of them and renew their relationship.

If I kept going, I could worry that would lead to him cheating or abandoning me for someone else.

Maybe that’s what you’re afraid of too.

my husband complimented another woman

Or your fear might be something else entirely. Once you unearth your fear, let’s move on to the next question.

2. Ask Yourself “Is My Fear Realistic?”

I knew it was realistic that my husband still thought of his ex-girlfriends occasionally. After all, he had looked them up after decades of being out of touch, so clearly they had crossed his mind.

But when I ask myself whether it’s realistic that he would ever rekindle a relationship with any of them in person, much less cheat and leave me, I have to admit that seems unlikely.

First of all, I heard about this offense from him sharing it with me. There was no sense of secrecy about it.

But even if he did reconnect with those women in some way, I know that my husband is committed to me.

Maybe you too feel confident that while your husband can be a flirt at times, he’s also completely devoted to you.

Deep down, you know he’s not going anywhere with anybody else.

how to stop being controlling wife

In that case, it’s kind of fun to pull out your fear and acknowledge that it’s unfounded–like looking under the bed for the monster and finding it’s just a boot and a pair of socks. Phew!

Asking yourself whether your fear is realistic is a great way to stop feeling bad when your husband compliments another woman or uses a sweeter-than-usual voice to greet a female coworker.

This is also a good time to remind yourself that despite the jolt of adrenaline that comes up when you hear him sounding flirtatious, you are safe. He’s just being friendly or playful–not trying to form another relationship.

You can choose your faith over your fear by deciding not to give him the stink eye, for example. Instead, you could show him that you expect the best outcome, not the worst.

Like responding to him looking up an ex on FB by playfully saying, “I bet you’re glad you married me instead of her, huh?”

I’ve found that’s very powerful for getting the outcome I want.

But what if you don’t feel safe?

Maybe you’ve been cheated on before or have been left for another woman.

Maybe your husband himself was unfaithful in the past and you’re terrified it will happen again.

That’s completely understandable. Of course you would want to do everything in your power to avoid that painful experience.

So maybe your answer to this question is a resounding “Yes! My fears are completely realistic.”

In that case, let’s proceed to the next question.

3. Ask Yourself “Can I Control His Flirting?”

What you want is for him to stop paying attention to other women–to stop looking into their eyes, making them giggle or rubbernecking at their bikinis.

The more you focus on trying to get him to stop flirting with other women, the more your husband will feel constricted, controlled and criticized.

lack of connection in marriage

The more he feels that way, the greater his urge to be the master of his own destiny. In other words, he’s going to have an inner compulsion to do the very thing you’re trying to get him to stop doing just to show that you’re not the boss of him.

Humans are contrary like that. Fruit seems sweeter when it’s forbidden.

This is true of all control, not just control around flirting. Whatever I’ve tried to get my husband to do or not do using control has backfired on me.

Every. Single. Time.

When I tried to control him by making endless spreadsheets showing who was responsible for what housekeeping (so he could see all the duties he was shirking), all I got was wall-to-wall hostility–not the gleaming bathroom and dust-free shelves I wanted.

The truth is I was afraid that if I didn’t tell him which chores were his, I would turn into a kitchen elf who had to do everything herself.

So guess what happened because I tried to control him?

I became an exhausted kitchen elf who had to do everything myself.

Mission unwittingly accomplished.

In other words, my control had the opposite effect of the one I wanted.

Granted, dodging the dusting is different than winking at women. The point is that trying to control my husband into doing things differently made things worse. Much worse.

So it’s valid to ask yourself: Is getting upset or telling him not to flirt actually getting you the outcome you’re looking for?

When Janice insisted that her husband stop working out with his female coworker, not only did he not stop, he also let her know she wasn’t the boss of him.

He seemed more intent to meet up with his workout buddy than ever.

Telling your man to stop flirting is very likely to have the same contrary outcome.

4. Would It Be Worth the Intimacy It Costs to Try to Control Him?

When he flirts, it hurts.

As his wife, you may feel it’s within your rights to ask him to stop Facebooking a coworker or working out with her at the gym. Plenty of people would tell you that it’s your prerogative to draw the line.

Trusting My Husband

I’ve certainly done things like that in my efforts to get my husband to do what I wanted (or not do what I didn’t want him to).

Not only did it not work, it cost me intimacy. Big time.

I felt the need to draw the line recently when he wanted to save a limp houseplant that I wanted to throw out.

“I’ll put it in the backyard,” he announced.

Instead of expressing a desire, I decided to supervise this plant placement so that the backyard would not look messy.

In other words, I chose my fear and my need to control in that moment.

He set it down next to the bench, and I “helpfully” suggested a different spot. He moved it to my spot but didn’t like it there so he picked it up again, and I asked where he was going to put it as he walked across the yard with it.

At which point he dramatically dropped the plant and said, “Just forget it!”

Clearly he felt controlled. That’s because I was being controlling.

Oops.

It took half an hour before things were back to feeling connected and easy between us again, and that’s a long time for us these days.

Over a plant!

Trying to control costs me the intimacy and connection I’m used to having now. And it doesn’t make my husband do what I think he should do. That’s true whether it’s telling him where to put a plant, who to talk to or how to talk to them.

In my better moments, I choose my faith instead because I want to keep holding hands and laughing together. And because I want to be my best self.

Here are three ways I help myself do that:

First, I remind myself that I’m the Goddess of Fun and Light (GOFL). Since I want him to flirt with me, I make sure I’m in good flirting form with my smile and laughter at the ready.

The GOFL is always up for a good time, and I signal that by doing my happy dance around the house or saying how ridiculously happy I am.

Second, I check to make sure I’ve been respectful. Respect is like oxygen to men, and I want to make sure there’s plenty of that when he’s around me so he’s not gasping for it.

Next, I make myself drop and do ten. Gratitudes, that is, about the many ways I feel loved and chosen by my husband–the many ways he’s loyal to me.

He chose to marry me above everyone else, sleeps with me every night, makes love to me and only me, spends money on me, kisses me, sends flirty texts to me, has made himself beloved in my family, makes up silly songs every day about how cute I am, makes me laugh and makes me tea every morning.

I could go on, but ten are usually enough to calm me down so I can choose my faith by trusting him.

Ten gratitudes are enough to make me stop fretting and realize I’m lucky I have a man who’s as faithful as the U.S. election cycle is long.

My husband is a mere mortal man meant to be attracted to the female form, but I don’t see him making anybody else’s tea every morning.

I see him being true to me. I focus on that because that’s what I want to continue to manifest.

When my husband looks into my eyes and sees that faith I have in him, he responds to me with pride in how loyal he is to me.

That leaves me feeling special and gives me the inner strength that makes it easy to trust my husband.


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51 thoughts on “My Husband Flirts and Thinks It’s No Big Deal”

  1. Hi I have the same priblem with my hubby but he meet the women and writes he knows i know but i am afraid we might splitt up

    Reply
    • Rajwant, I hear you’re afraid of splitting up. That sounds painful. I admire you for having the vulnerability to reach out for support. I remember being afraid of the same thing when I just couldn’t see any other way to fix our marriage. The 6 Intimacy Skills gave me back his attention and affection so now our marriage is more playful and passionate than ever. If I can turn things around, you can too! I’ll show you how in my free upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  2. I wish I could trust my husband. I did twice and he kept saying it was nothing. Found out it wasn’t nothing. Oh yes he told me about her and I thought to myself he loves me it’s nothing. It wasn’t nothing. I do not know how to get that trust back.

    Reply
    • Margaret, I hear how painful it must be to be at a loss of how to restore trust. I respect you for having such a strong commitment to your marriage and the vulnerability to come here for support. I used to be convinced that my husband was untrustworthy. 6 Intimacy Skills later, he is a different man, and I feel cherished, desired and adored. If I can restore the trust, I know you can too! I’d love to give you more tools to empower you to do that. I’ll share them with you in my free webinar coming up: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  3. I find your article quite disturbing. Let me start by saying I’ve been happily married for 17 years and my husband has never flirted with another woman, my comment is not coming from a place of woundedness fortunately. Flirting is disrespectful, dishonoring and actually a form betrayal. When a marry man gives another woman attention that belongs to his wife or receives the attention from another woman other than his wife, that is simply betrayal. One of my callings in life is to help women find their voice so they can be empowered to have good communication with their husbands. You gave no information on how to have healthy communication instead of what I read was to be silent. Women do not have to be doormats nor controlling. Giving a woman advice to ignore her husband’s flirting because he still going to make her tea in the morning is absurd and oppressive. Everywoman deserves to be honored, respected and adored and serves her husband freely & joyfully because she knows he respects and honors her. Although it’s true that many men have a roaming eye, their lack of self-control is very unattractive. Your advice is hurtful, not helpful. I adore the hearts of both man and woman and giving a man passive permission to be inappropriate makes your marriage weaker not stronger!

    Reply
    • Sue, I agree with how hurtful a husband’s flirting and how unattractive his lack of self-control can be. I do not condone such behavior. I love that we share the calling of empowering wives to have healthy communication. In my work with thousands of women who have transformed their relationships, as well as in my own marriage, I have found that respectful communication on the wife’s part is powerful in getting her the respect and honor she deserves. Recognizing all that my husband does for me helps me get in touch with the grateful, respectful kind of interaction I want to have with him. Here’s to stronger marriages!

      Reply
      • Once again you are spot on Laura! I understand what Sue is saying, but I would describe the differences of your two approaches as the differences between a child and their parent, one where respect is demanded – leading to fear, begrudging compliance and unhappiness and one where respect is mutual and healthy – leading to mutual enjoyment and love!!

        Reply
      • Great question, Emani! It sounds like you would like to practice showing respect even though you’ve been feeling disrespected. Ouch! I really admire your commitment to your relationship! I remember when biting my tongue or responding respectfully seemed impossible when my husband and I were arguing. Thankfully, the 6 Intimacy Skills provide many tools to be respectful and, ultimately, respected. I want to empower you to get the respect you deserve too! I’ll give you more tools in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

        Reply
        • Hi Laura,
          I think you just saved not only my marriage but my life. I think of my husband as my life, my air to breathe…. my reason for being alive… my true soul mate. But I’m constantly saying the most hurtful things to him in our arguments. Until reading this blog…. I couldn’t understand why. My husband and I are always talking about evolution and nature. If you look at the animals behavior, you will see the male is dominant, not the female. I’m sure not in all species… But the ones most common in our knowledge, my experience is medicine, not animals. So, its the human males nature to want to be dominant. But we have evolved into “intelligent” animals. Even the psychologists have said most of our mental issues derive from childhood… So what’s man but an evolved child! In meeting man’s most inner child…animal nature… we will fullfill his inner soul. If we nurture each other’s hearts, we nurture each other’s souls! And you know a man couldn’t make that happen, it takes a woman to do that! Amen!

          Reply
          • Leslie, I’m delighted to hear that you have been empowered to end the fighting! I love your commitment to restoring the respect in your marriage. You are clearly a very intelligent animal!

            If this blog made such an impact, I can’t wait to see what happens when you get all the Intimacy Skills! I invite you to my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/.

  4. Thanks for another great blog. My husband is a notorious flirt and DID cheat on me, but we have rebuilt the trust. I see that he has toned down the flirting in respect for my feeling, yet he does like a look now and again.
    I needed to hear what you had to say about controlling him. Ouch! True words and great examples, Laura!

    Reply
  5. Wow, Laura!
    THANKS a million for responding to my suggestion for writing this blog!!!!
    I’m sure it will be helpful for so many women.
    This blog is Godsend to me, thank you for explaining things I actually already knew and was doing from your wise perspective.
    I know I will be re reading this one often.
    Also, wanted to thank you for making your TV show available in English here in Germany on Amazon.
    I will definitely write a review.
    Love you Laura and everything you do for us women!!!

    Reply
  6. Great article! Thanks for your positive and purposeful look on how to address a flirting husband. This is exactly what I teach the young women in my circle of influence. To be honest, I have a very sanguine husband who never meets a stranger and there are many times my jealousy is arroused when he is just talking to women. He is very engaging and I see how women respond to him. But the truth is that my being jealous is not the way to get him to change and since I know he doesn’t want to leave me, I love that you point out how to change MY attitude, not his. Love this article even if it is hard to do sometimes!

    Reply
  7. I rush home from work everyday to read your book before my husband gets home.

    My husband wants a divorce because he says I am disrespectful and controlling.

    I am really trying to work on myself before it’s too late.

    He stays out late just so he doesn’t have to be around me. He may even be talking to another woman. Hope not. Thank you for all your help

    Reply
    • Carolyn, I hear how painful it is that your husband wants a divorce. Your awareness and commitment to working on yourself and saving your marriage are remarkable. I remember how lonely I felt when my husband used to avoid me. With the 6 Intimacy Skills, now he wants to spend time with me and finds every chance to do so, even snuggling up to me when I’m working. If I can turn my marriage around, I know you can too! I invite you to my free upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  8. My fear when he acts inappropriate (is caught by another woman ogling her, or is too attentive), is that SHE is laughing at me and thinks she could get my husband, and as a result would act more disrespectful and condescending toward me because we both know my husband finds her attractive. It’s embarrassing :-/

    Forget worries about him leaving (I don’t think he’s going anywhere). I’m mortified about how it makes me appear to the rest of the world when he freezes to stare at a hottie (and she stands taller because she saw it too). Makes me want to slap him when other women get ego boosts at my expense, or people look at me in pity.

    Reply
    • Ouch! Jennifer, that sounds humiliating. I know how committed you are to restoring the intimacy in your marriage and admire your dedication. I used to feel so embarrassed by my husband’s behavior. With the 6 Intimacy Skills, he doesn’t embarrass me in public anymore (and I have tools for the rare occasion that I do feel embarrassed). I know that you can get the respect you deserve and feel cherished, desired and adored too. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see how working with a coach would fit for you so you can be treated like a queen! You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.

      Reply
  9. Thank you for your writings Laura. I have learned a lot!!!. I understand what Sue is saying but I think the approach is to don’t start a fight every time. I am trying to practice to not react at my husband behavior without thinking first. When you respect your husband he is going to want to respect you back. The point is not to be passive, but assertive without judging your husband. Faith in your husband is easier when you believe in God!

    Reply
  10. Dear Laura, my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. With the help of the six intimacy skills we are getting closer again, which is great. But the hurt and the dissapointment is so deep and I have no ideal how to deal with it… Can you help?

    Reply
    • KO, that must have been incredibly painful. I really admire your commitment to healing your hurt and your marriage. My marriage had become so ugly as we hurled hurt at each other that I didn’t know if it could be healed and thought divorce was the only way out. However, several of the 6 Intimacy Skills dealt specifically with coping with pain. They transformed how I saw my husband and myself, until our marriage became playful and passionate again. You can get back to where you were before too. I would love to empower you with those tools, which I introduce in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  11. I stated from the beginning that if he has an affair I would be gone – and I prepared for this. If he truly values the marriage he will ckeck and work on his boundaries.

    Reply
    • Ida, I hear your concern about a potential affair. I love that you are committed to a faithful, lasting marriage. I thought that getting what I wanted was a matter of boundaries. But when they failed to create the intimate marriage I wanted, I needed more tools. The 6 Intimacy Skills gave me the peaceful, passionate marriage I’d always wanted. If you’re interested in gaining more tools, I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  12. Hello. Your article makes very good sense but my problem is, my husband has always been a flirt and I trusted him even though it was offensive to me and I kept it to myself. Well as of this past November 2016, his flirting with a coworker led into an affair and I found out mid February 2017. I would very much not to have fear any longer of his flirting. I am sacrificing, in my opinion, to go along with working thru the healing process of being betrayed by myself while he is saying he has put it behind him and is wanting to keep our marriage going and doesn’t want to hear anymore about it. He only stopped the affair because I found out with me saying, “her or me”. He still feels there is nothing wrong to continue being “just friends” with this coworker. He regrets what he did in his words. Unfortunately now I have a great fear of his flirting

    Reply
    • Faye, that sounds devastating. I so admire your commitment to healing yourself and your marriage. It’s hurtful that he continues to be friends with her and doesn’t want to hear anything about it. I used to feel so alone when my husband wouldn’t even talk to me about issues that were important to me in our marriage. Now that I have the 6 Intimacy Skills, he wants to talk with me and support me and do whatever he can to make me happy. There are several Intimacy Skills beyond the one I share in this article that would advance your healing process and deepen the intimacy with your husband in a way that honors yourself. I’ll tell you about them in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  13. Thank you Laura, my husband cheated on me once and lately things have been great ive been more respectful and feminine but today i saw he had saved lots of womens number on his simcard, he had put his sim in my phone when his was broken and the numbers are still there. I dont know what to do and i have already confronted him and that went terribly, like you say now the intimacy we were experiencing. I dont know what to do now amd i feel so sad about the numbers, there just no need to take them, ive never seen him talking to one of them so its either in secret or completely pointless. Feeling lost and alone

    Reply
    • Mel, I can see why you’re feeling lost and alone. I admire your commitment to being respectful and feminine, and to healing your marriage. I relate having a marital conflict that’s not even grounded in reality but feeling sad nonetheless. The 6 Intimacy Skills have empowered me to share my feelings vulnerably and respectfully so my husband wants to support me and make me feel better. I would love to empower you to feel cherished, desired and adored as his one and only too. I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  14. I am just kind of wondering I keep seeing my husband cheated because I was disrespectful. It doesn’t matter there is never a good excuse for cheating never. And it is not your fault it is his. My husband cheated and you know what it had nothing to do with me. There is never a good excuse never.

    Reply
    • I hear you, Margaret! Thank you for weighing in. We are of the same mind that no woman deserves infidelity, for which there is no excuse. My intention is not to point the finger or find fault. Rather, in my experience working with thousands of women, wives who want to heal their marriages after suffering infidelity have found that showing respect is an empowering way to get back the intimacy they want. My book The Empowered Wife goes into more detail, if you want to read a free chapter: http://getcherished.com

      Reply
  15. My husband does the same. I know this that he was close to women even before we got married. I accepted that. But, I felt the insecurity rising when he continuously talked to me about that friend concerns about her life and showing interest more about her that’s when I started to fume and begin to question his faithfulness and friendship with another woman whom he called his best friend now. I felt betrayed with their ongoing messages, that woman giving him plenty of gifts and he is wearing it everyday and he started smoking as well and I concluded myself since he was around with her all the time he even copied her habits since the woman is a smoker.
    I was not just dreaming and I saw the changes from him and in turned I became a horrible wife because I always see and focus with his friends.
    I went to Phils for my maternity leave 5 months and I trusted him well enough though I was scared to leave him alone but I was disappointed that he started smoking and now a chain smoker. It’s been a year already that we got separated due to endless fights and I began to drift away as well and felt alone ended up being a single mom.

    Reply
    • Karyl, I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s relationship with another woman and about your separation, leaving you as a single mom. That is devastating. I admire your vulnerability and your awareness.

      You are not alone. So many women reach out for support after their husband has left. Again and again, they find out it’s not too late, as the 6 Intimacy Skills empower them to heal their marriages and their families. When there’s another woman, she disappears as the husband is inspired to make his wife happy.

      I know you can have that too, if that’s what you want. I’ll give you the tools to get back your husband and reconcile your family in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at lauradoyle.org/swewtraining

      Reply
  16. Really? This article is terrible advice. What about your self respect? Relationships are built on mutual respect. Not ignoring your partners disrespectful behavior because demanding respect might push him away. People accept or ignore disrespectful behavior because they lack self confidence and fear confrontation that will result in divorce. They don’t believe they can do any better and will be alone. They are letting fear and and a lack of sense of self ruin their lives. And trust me, they are not happier being treated this way and ignoring it. You only have this one life to live. Don’t waste it on a-hole. And what if you have children that are watching this behavior and learning that it is normal? Yes, you are normalizing disrespectful behavior and teaching it to your children who will in turn accept mistreatment from their partners.

    Reply
    • Heather, I appreciate your commitment to self-respect. I hear you. I demanded respect from my husband in every way I knew how. The problem is he refused to comply with my demands. And I lost my self-respect in the process of nagging, demanding and raging at him. The 6 Intimacy Skills empowered me to create a culture of mutual respect in my marriage and my home. The jerk I thought I was stuck with became the thoughtful, attentive, capable man I had married–and the respectful one too.

      Reply
  17. Women. Do not listen to Susan. You are not responsible for every bad behavior your husband displays. Trust me. Some men are just selfish jerks that care more about stroking their ego than they do about you or your feelings. And there maybe nothing you can do to change his bad behaviors. You could be the perfect wife and he will still flirt. Because it has nothing to do with you. It has to do with a personality fault in himself. Some people actually have very low empathy for others and or other psychological issues that prevent them from having healthy relationships. some men need constant praise and approval from women to feed an insatiable ego that will never be satisfied. It can be a result of neglect or mistreatment as a child and it is something they need to seek help for. You can’t fix it.

    Reply
    • Heather, I love your awareness that you can’t fix a man. I agree. It was only when I finally gained the insight that I couldn’t control or do anything to change my man that I was finally empowered to focus on my own happiness. I wasn’t responsible for his mistakes but did have the power to inspire him to become his best self too. And it turns out I had chosen a good guy, not a dud. That’s what I find for the courageous women who practice the Intimacy Skills. They are the experts on their own lives and chose their men for a reason. The 6 Intimacy Skills empower them to find him again.

      Reply
  18. With all these comments going around it sounded that we are the one who can turn the events around. We may not fully understand the behaviour of our partner but we can only continue to have faith in them, believe until they change themselves in their own way.Is that right Laura? But to go through the process is heartbreaking. I doubt myself if he ever respond positively with these skills but I want to have a go and let go for my own sanity I guess.

    Reply
    • Karyl, I hear that it’s scary to take a risk and experiment with the 6 Intimacy Skills because you’re not sure they’ll work for you. It is scary! You are not alone. Most of us think they won’t work for us–until they do.

      I love how courageous you are. Pushing past those fears takes courage but is what has made my marriage playful and passionate.

      I hope you enjoy the webinar and can’t wait to hear how it goes for you.

      Reply
  19. My H had an affair many years ago and got too friendly with a coworker recently and was not being honest about time spent with her. He swore it was innocent. I had to decide – stay or go. I stayed due to an ill child, and began practicing the skills.

    In your book, you say some guys who are serial cheaters are not good guys and the skills won’t work with them. How long do you give the skills time to work? I feel I’ve become a goddess and I see many good changes in the marriage, and yet, he’s still hanging out with the coworker and that part of our problem isn’t changing much. Do you believe some men are so broken and have a need for affirmation that no matter what skills you use, they will seek respect elsewhere no matter how good it is at home?

    I struggle very much with pushing down my hurt, pretending I don’t see what I see, and trying to be the happy one. Can you be specific in which skills you recommend for dealing with distrust? When do you determine if you have a good guy or a bad guy? Thanks.

    Reply
    • Shelly, I’m sorry to hear that your husband, who has cheated in the past, had an inappropriate relationship and lied to you. It would be hard for me to get past that hurt too and trust him again. I admire your commitment to your marriage and your openness to trying a new approach, even managing to become a goddess after all you’ve been through!

      Now that I’ve seen so many women who suffered infidelity more than once transform their marriages anyway, my thinking has changed on the “bad guy” issue, as you’ll see in my post How to Know if You Should Get a Divorce.

      Pretending, ignoring my feelings and forcing myself to be happy when I wasn’t did not work for me either. Fortunately, there are Skills that empower me to express my feelings and be my authentic self. It sounds like you could use some support to get the change you crave and restore trust. I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  20. So your saying there is nothing in flirting and he needs to be trusted.
    My husband flirts and he endorse what you say .
    trust me there is nothing in it.
    my in laws say the same ” trust him there is nothing in it, ”

    So i embrace your argument and realise he needs attention and not bust his balls for it.

    But one thing,, If it’s good for him, Its damn well good for us to.
    While two wrongs dont make a right, You my husband and his inlaws are telling me its not wrong.
    So i have started flirting as well.
    I thought i was in a christian marriage where as Sue rightfully said that attention belonged to me.
    He has broke the boundaries him. Ive been told its ok , i ve been told its just fun , harmless bla bla bla.
    So i thought fine.
    i need attention as well,
    And let me tell you something he does not like it.. But every time he complains i throw his argument back in his face.

    Whats good for a man is good for me honey.
    Girls if he flirts,…. flirt back..
    Oh and by the way i am a young woman I am 33 and i am pretty not beautiful but pretty and i know how to get attention.
    I could give lectures on how to harness male energy. So he picked on the wrong girl.
    Ive got them panting like dogs.
    Im actually better than him at it..
    If your husband flirts with other women
    Flirt back with other men

    Reply
    • Lena, you are the expert on your own life, so if this approach is working for you, more power to you! I love that you’re getting in touch with your feminine gifts, which sound very powerful indeed. I’m also hearing that there is some arguing and that something may be getting in the way of the intimacy you want with your husband. Is that right? If so, I’d love to empower you with some other tools for dealing with his flirting. It sounds painful that he continues to flirt at the same time he complains about you doing it! I’ll show you other ways to get his attention in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/

      Reply
  21. Lena to tell you honestly I did the same. I felt really unfair because my thinking was exactly the same like yours. So I did flirt back with other men and it hits him then he came back when he won me back he again flirted with the same girl and I did this time with much remorse and intentionally with a different man. That was the end of everything and honestly I was not happy at all. I didn’t proved him wrong nor solve the issue in our marriage.Nobody wins and I felt sorry for myself thinking why did I let myself down instead be the bigger person or give time for myself and my feelings if I felt disrespected.
    I did try because I was so hurt and all my thoughts of revenge, I put into action. I felt so bad and negative with our situation. To conclude, my action was just creating a bigger mess because I was stubborn, I was not forgiving and pride, ego gets over me. So I tell you the result was just intensifying your anger and destroying yourself badly. So I totally understood where your going and I hear you. The people who are here in this program have been married for a long time and it just made me realise that no matter what happens relationship teaches us to be humble, to be part of the team not to be the one who destroys.
    I myself have been to your situation and it hurts like hell but to love and control yourself is the only remedy we need. I’m pretty sure that your partner also doesn’t feel good with what he is doing, he might look like his enjoying and happy now but remember that what is outside can be deceiving.

    Reply
  22. Thank you for your comments ladys. Your right. Karly thank you.

    To be honest i dont like flirting. While i like people to think im pretty i dont like men to be all pervy over me. Its horrible.

    So i got more than i bargained for.
    But truth is if a man flirts he cant really love you .

    Banter and having a laugh is one thing but when you are flirting and being seductive with someone its another.
    So i guess im not really loved.

    Reply
    • Lena, I hear how painful and lonely it is for your man to flirt with other women, making you feel you’re not loved. And that flirting with others yourself isn’t serving you either. I love your vulnerability and your awareness!

      I too felt unloved, and I felt hopeless because everything I had tried ended up making me feel even less loved. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which finally gave me the tools to attract my husband and be loved the way I had always wanted.

      If I can do it, you can become cherished, desired and adored too. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see how working with a coach would fit for you. The call alone will bring you clarity. You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.

      Reply
  23. I am married to a flirt. For twenty-five years and twenty seven together. Lately I feel lots has changed. I never tried to stop him from flirting even though his actions have hurt my feelings. I am honest, happy, I don’t do what he’s been doing all these years. It is not fair to me in the way he behaves but I am not a quitter. I know he loves me, and respects me. I have learned how to deal with this issue on my own. I am not doing what he’s doing I chose to be happy and focus on my life. He is part of my life but in a bit of a changed way. You can’t just stop loving someone you spent your whole life with. It is never easy to forget how he made me feel on certain days but I know I am not the one who made him feel that way. And anyone who responds to his flirts belongs in the trash. That is how I see it!

    Reply
  24. My husband of 31 years is a flirt. 12 years ago he flirted and she quickly reciprocated. She took his flirtatious texts and emails and responded with serious propositions . It became an affair. When I found out and told him her or me, he broke off the affair in order to save our family, and to keep from having a scandal in town because the other woman was the mother of our daughter’s best friend. Our family was nearly destroyed because of his behavior. (Kids ages at the time: daughter-17, son-13, son-9) Our family survived, and we were doing very well for several years. About 8 years ago I developed a very painful chronic illness that has caused me to be home bound, and about 70% bedridden. My husband will no longer have sex with me. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to cause me any more physical pain. What he does not realize is that by rejecting me he is causing so much more emotional pain. In the past he’s flirted with others even in my presence. Now he’s out in public without me on his arm, so I fear that he’s flirting much more than he ever did when I was healthy. How can I be sure I’m still his one and only? I almost lost him when I was pretty and healthy and 12 years younger. Now that I’m suffering from a very painful chronic illness which has wrecked havoc on my skin, hair and weight how can I feel secure in his love and commitment? I can’t compete with other women that he sees at work and out in public! I’m seriously afraid for my marriage!

    Reply
  25. It is more fearful in my eyes to stay with a husband because you don’t think your heart deserves better, than it is to let him keep flirting and crossing your emotional boundaries and hurting you by flirting. I don’t have time for that. That does not sound like self-love at all. There’s a difference between being controlling and setting healthy boundaries. After all, isn’t marriage a sacred boundary? Flirting is emotional cheating in my opinion, and if they are looking elsewhere, let them go. What is there to fear? Someone better and more fulfilling who doesn’t hurt you will take there place. Good-bye flirting husband, hello man that only has eyes for me. 🙂

    Reply
  26. I read all the blog and feel hurts..,, lately I struggling for my husband who flirt and smile for other woman at even in church …so I instead of arguing I feel quite and I Don’t feel voice come out in my mouth … it’s so Depressing when you wetness your husband in bad behavior … brings me down I feel empty::::

    Reply
  27. Laura, it’s really difficult for me. We’ve been married for just under 3 years, and he’s already cheated on me. We promised to try and make things work, and we’ve made a lot of progress, but there are times where I feel incredibly insecure of his faithfulness.

    My birthday was last month and my husband bought me a gift from his work: a thermos bottle with my name engraved on it, along with a book. Today I found a similar bottle hidden in our car with a nickname engraved on it, and it turns out it’s a goodbye present for a female ex-colleague who moved to another city. So basically he has to mail this present to her now. Finding this bottle has made me insanely jealous, because I feel like her and I are at the same level. How can he buy me, his wife, a present with my full name on it, when he buys the exact same thing for his colleague but writes her nickname on it and also has to mail to her? I thought gifts were meant to be intimate and personal, and her present is just so much more intimate, with it having her nickname and having to mail it to her now. I just feel like I’m at the same level as this other woman… Or this woman means something to him.

    I’m trying really hard but suppressing these feelings of insecurity and jealousy make it hard for me to not wonder if there’s something I don’t know.

    Reply

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