My Husband Is Passive-Aggressive
If your man says things that are subtly insulting and hurtful but then acts like you’re the one who is overreacting, it can be crazy making.
At times you wonder how you can ever win when he mopes around and won’t say what’s wrong. If all you’re getting is the silent treatment, how do you respond to that? It’s frustrating and lonely to live that way.
And what about when he agrees to do things that you’ve asked him to do but doesn’t do them? How do you bring up that the light in the basement is still broken–even though he’s been promising to fix it for three weeks–without causing a fight?
I used to wonder myself and feel hopeless that there was anything I could do about my husband’s poor behavior. But now I have a go-to that changes everything.
This is what works wonders with a passive-aggressive husband:
Contents
1. Identify Your Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy
Early in my marriage, I had no idea why my husband was using all his might not to do the things he knew I thought he should do, but I was very curious!
He’d say he was going to do the dishes but never actually moved a muscle to do them. Instead he watched hours of TV.
When I asked about the dishes as politely as I could, he’d growl, “I just can’t win with you!”
I was thinking, “Um, sure you could if you would just do what you said you were going to do instead of yelling at me!”
I came across the term “passive-aggressive” somewhere, and it totally fit my experience of him. I felt validation about identifying my husband as someone who was passive-aggressive–like that explained a lot.
I even said things like, “Aren’t we being passive-aggressive today.”
Not very charming, I know. But somehow I thought that if I pointed out what he was doing, it would make him aware and he’d be so motivated to change that he would be more considerate and tender as a result.
That never worked, unfortunately. Not once!
Even as I write that explanation, it seems like flimsy reasoning on my part. Who improves because their wife criticizes them like that? And when I was saying that, how was I any less passive-aggressive than I was accusing him of being?
Still, I didn’t know what else to do with my prized diagnosis, so I just kept on saying it to him, like a Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy (SFP): “You’re so passive-aggressive!” And guess what I continued to experience?
That’s right–I noticed he was even more passive-aggressive than ever. He and the TV were constant companions, and the icy silence left a chill in the air.
Of course, that’s what I was focused on, and what you focus on increases. I kept telling him how passive-aggressive he was, so that’s how he kept showing up for me.
It’s amazing how powerful I am that way.
Here’s how I got myself out of that mess, thankfully.
2. Make a New SFP
Once I realized how much influence I had on how my husband showed up, I started choosing my words more carefully.
Instead of affirming that he was passive-aggressive, I began saying things that matched the experience I wanted to have, like, “You are always doing things to make me happy.”
Where did I find the chutzpah to say something like that when I felt he didn’t care about my happiness? After all, no amount of begging and pleading was motivating him to do housework or even have a civil conversation with me!
It was just an experiment at first. What could it hurt to change up my approach? I said it to myself and I said it to him.
Not only was he less defensive when I stopped insulting him by calling him “passive-aggressive,” he acted like I finally got him. He looked relieved, and he nodded in agreement with my new Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy.
And while I may have been shaking the first few times I said it because it felt like such a stretch and I thought he might see that I was lying, my new SFP had an unexpected consequence: It changed the way I saw my husband.
I started to see everything he was doing to make me happy: taking out the trash, putting the cans on the curb every week, deferring to the movie or show I wanted to see, going to get the car in the rain while I stayed dry.
Now I had evidence that what I was saying was actually true. Instead of feeling uncomfortable, I was feeling elated that I had more power than I realized to have the experience of my husband that I wanted to have.
All I had to do was use the right SFP!
3. Say It to Yourself and to Him
You can make your own SFP by taking your complaint about your partner and turning it upside down. What is it you would have if he weren’t passive-aggressive? Or you can fill in the blank with your own pain point if your husband isn’t passive-aggressive. What is the hidden desire in your complaint?
That he’s so gentle and tender? That he’s so lighthearted? So patient and understanding?
Sometimes women struggle to come up with an SFP because it seems so far from “The Truth.”
The thing about “The Truth” is that it’s subjective based on who’s observing it. In physics, simply observing a situation changes that situation, and every researcher has a bias.
If you start with the bias that your husband is an insensitive jerk, you’ll likely experience that. If you start with the bias that he’s a sweet, loving guy, you’ll likely experience that.
You might be thinking that I don’t get it at all because my husband wasn’t really passive-aggressive like yours is.
Could be. I don’t know your husband. Only you know if changing your SFP fits for you.
But what if using a positive Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy caused a miracle in your house like it did in mine?
You’ll never know until you try it.
What will your new SFP be? Post yours in the comments below.
27 replies on “My Husband Is Passive-Aggressive”
I just realized a negative SPF is that my husband is acts like such a victim. He gets furious when I tell him this and acts even more like a victim! My new SPF is, “My Husband takes responsibility for his own happiness. He is a pleasure to be around. He is happy and content with himself and others.”
How are you supposed to go on in a relationship when your husband says that the only reason he is there is for the kids, so that I do not get any of his money i.e. parent’s estate & his retirement), and so that he can irritate me and make me miserable? After 31 years all of a sudden says he was never happy in our marriage. Will not talk to me (says he will only talk in the presence of a third party-I told him to go ahead and set up a counseling session three months ago but to no avail), totally avoids me, and the only remarks he makes are snide ones? Why do women have to change when they have done nothing wrong only to appease their husbands who do not want to show any authority when it comes to disciplining kids or feel that once their day ends at 3:30 they have no responsibility at home to help doing anything.
ok, so my marriage counselor has said to us that my husband is passive aggressive and has also says that he believes that is why he recently left me. I understand how to deal with him being passive aggressive, but how do I apply that now that he has left?? I have been very hard on him over the past few months and have drove him to this behavior and him leaving without a doubt…now what?
That was really good article and actually made me think about it. My husband is really grumpy and serious and I say it to him often. I have said to him that I love when he smiles but from now on every time I want to ask fhy so grumpy I’ll say how I love his smile.
Love it! As usual! Yup, there’s no better word than chutzpah, love that!
Thanks again and again Laura!
Hi laura
Thanks for your blog.i appreciate a lot your counsels.
Well my husband is bipolar no taking medication he insults me when in crisis break my clothes my things threathen me if i dont come back. I am working in another city for us but he is not working. He can be with me but he doesnt want…saying the place of a wife is with the husband…but my job is there and also he cannot work.
When i am with him he is a love until he has crisis and he changes and insult me and saying me horrible things. I am very patient with him. But i need to work and he doesnt want to move where i am because his father always warned about wife with husband.
Yes he is unique son and the parents from wedding are inside of our marriage.also they dont speak to me and they dont want i phone them for anything.
As you can see its a horrible situation.i applied all i can aabout to be a submissive wife but he now blocked me phone calls and doesnt want anything.
What can i do Laura? If i move permanently with him i cannot work and i wont have any money or things. Also i cannot apply for my retired never.
Thanks. Arianne
My current, negative SFP is that he is an insensitive father who doesn’t spend time with our kids or listen to them. New SFP: he is a good father. Sigh. Feels like a relief just to be less negative, actually!
Hi Laura:
Thank you for sharing your insight! I had this epiphany after my first marriage ended in divorce; I had failed to see anything helpful or hopeful in my ex-husband, and he had given up trying the impossible task of pleasing me and disconnected interminably. As a newly divorced single, I vowed, “I’ll do better next time,” and prayed that God would move my heart to be more like a biblically pleasing wife. I do better in this marriage, but sometimes when my stress level overtakes my logical/wise brain, I get very critical and negative, and I notice how it affects my husband who is also very sensitive to both mine and his own changes in mood. My SFP are, “How loving, attentive, and giving he is to me!” “How hard he works to try to please me!” “How helpful and supportive he is.” “How patient he is when I am moody and stressed!” “How wonderful and loving he is as a father to his 3 kids from a previous marriage!” “How valuable he is in my life, and how much I would be missing without him in my life!” “How grateful I am that I am his and he is mine.”
These aren’t things I wish were true; they are actually things I just forget to notice sometimes. Thanks for reminding me to put away my pride. Thank you for reminding me how easily I forget he is human, become so rigid, unforgiving, and hyper-focused I can become on his human frailties, and how conveniently and completely I forget my own.
Believe it or not, I am a family therapist, and if you don’t mind, I will use the SFP language to help each person in some of my struggling couples to refocus their thinking about their partners. I appreciate your willingness to share and be transparent with your struggles. Thank you and God Bless!
I love SFPs! I have successfully used some in the past few years to make miracles: “You are so generous!” (I get a lot more gifts, now, in ways I never would have expected!) “You are very romantic.” These seem to carry on for a long time, too! yay! We were in a restaurant the other day and I said I would love some milk for my tea. He told me that the waiter was right behind me, so (slightly disappointed) I started to turn around and then waited a sec because the waiter was busy. He got the waiter’s attention and then told him we needed some milk for my tea! I was so grateful and impressed! He really is very romantic and helpful. I know it is a small thing, but it’s nice to know that the love of your life cares about you and wants to help you in those small things. I thought it was very romantic, too.
I still wish he did the dishes more often… oops! There I go again! Let’s see, SFP power… he makes great dinners! And takes out the trash. He’s so helpful and tidy! 😉
Keep up the great work ladies!
I am experiencing all of these different types of behaviors right now with my husband and i am finding it very difficult to try to say nice things to him.I’ve examined myself many times over,thought about the manner in which i speak to him,try to correct all of the faults that he says i have and yet still whenever i have an issue he just keeps going back to things from the past.Honestly i just don’t feel like trying anymore,i love him but i don’t know how much more i can take.
Petal – I wanted to let you know that I could have written your comment word-for-word. It’s the same with my husband. It’s so hard when he keeps bringing up past arguments or situations. I truly feel like he expects perfection from me and has no tolerance for the little “imperfections” that we all have. I also feel worn out and while I love him deeply and my marriage vows were serious to me, I don’t know how much more I can take of his behaviors, attitudes, and his lack of any tolerance.
I can just listen to my teenager’s SFP…. Dad is so smart! He is the smartest guy I know. I don’t think anybody doesn’t like him. You know why? Maybe he doesn’t like some people, but everyone likes him because he is so patient. When he helps me with my homework, he just answers the right questions and then I get it. He also can talk about cool stuff. He has lots of experience and he is smart….
I can also totally relate to the stories here and know that I can sometimes seem critical of my partner, who genuinely tries his best but can sometimes be thoughtless and make jokes which mask his feelings. What really upsets me is that I suffer from depression and he doesn’t really believe in it; he thinks that it’s something I can control or that I use it as an ‘excuse’ when I get upset about something he has or hasn’t done. I also despair that it seems from this website and many others, that it’s always up to the woman to make the adjustments which again seems to let men ‘off the hook’ for taking any responsibility to make us happy. It seems like Pavlovian dog training to me and is a source of frustration to think that I have to modify my own nature in order to ensure that he gives me the care that I want and that I have showered on him.
I’m not sure how to get him to understand that I need him and our relationship like it was before. Especially today as I got bad family news. I just needed him to hold me as I cried it out but he stayed outside with his brother and more or less shut me out. I’m an emotional wreck and he doesn’t seem to understand that our care. And yet he always acts like everything is fine like nothings wrong with our relationship. What do I do?
My current SFP is that he’s the worlds second biggest narcissist.
My new one, if it’s supposed to be the scariest thing we can think of saying, is “You’re such a great listener.”
When should I use it? If I say it (in my head or out loud) after he interrupts me or ignores me, both of us will think it’s totall BS! I’m not sure I can find any opportunities where he listens to me.
Really good way to change your perspective about someone, especially a spouse. I will try this out.
Laura I like this but have found in the past anytime I say nice things about about my husband I am “just saying that” or “that’s not what your said last time” I truely love and care for my husband and think he is a good person, but I have had mistakes in the past with my words out of anger and a broken heart. How do I make him see that what I have said in the past is not what I think now.
My husband has this Jeckle and Hyde personality. Along with
your passive aggressive behavior. We have been together
for almost 17 yrs. We have a 13 yr old son who has the poo-
poo platter of emotional issues and is spectrum autistic. I
myself am emotionally,mentally and physically disabled. I
feel as though I am being crushed down by this man more
than not. He uses my disease as a weapon against me. Then
says that he didn’t. That I wouldn’t remember anyway. I am
getting to the point where I just want to leave. The older my
son gets the more disrespectful he gets, my husband blames
me for this. When he has watched his father treat his
mother this way for years. What is your opinion? Should
I try to keep making this work? Or should I just cut my
losses and go with my instinct and leave? What will hurt the
most is leaving my son behind. I love him with all my heart!
He was my miracle baby. I lost 4 babies previous to him. I’m
not trying to throw a pity party which is what he would say
but I have had some bad luck. I feel like I want to be alone.
I have too many issues to work on and no time to do just
that work on my issues. He keeps coming up with more.
PLEASE help me.
AKC
I seem to get every issue with my husband; passive agressive, silent treatment, ignoring me, watches TV or plays on his phone, can’t get him to help with housework or kids or be romantic and just spend time with me, even if all we do is watch a movie together he plays on his phone instead. Now there are some days when he surprises me and is romantic and attentive and helps without world war 3 breaking out but those moments are so few and far between and random. Nothing different about that day from any other. He used to do all those things nonstop. He used to ignore his phone for me now I get ignored or cut off if his phone rings no matter who it is. He has this go to excuse that he’s tired but he uses it even after getting plenty of sleep and even on his day off. I just don’t know how to incorporate your ideas when I get all of them on a daily basis and you have different approaches to each issue. Please help. I love my husband and wouldn’t leave him no matter what but I desperately miss the way our relationship used to be. We were so happy and in love it was like a force field radiating off of us.
This is my husband to a T! I am looking forward to Laura’s response as well. I feel like I’ve just become numb to the way “my husband is” because I’m so tired of asking him to be more romantic and to quit playing on his phone when we get a small amount of time together when our Littles are in bed. : /
“You’re so direct; I appreciate how you communicate with me when something’s on your mind.” How that?
Wow… I sure needed this advice. My marriage has been on a nose dive and I have been contemplating a divorce because of his poor, annoying behaviour. But I am willing to give the SFP a trial. Coming back soon to share my testimony.
I am experiencing precisely exactly the above mentioned passive aggressive manner in my spouse. I definitely did step 1 in great awesome extremely exaggerated and dramatic manner, and it only intensified my spouse’s passive behavior. It makes me feel so unsafe when my husband is not coming through on that which he promised me. Right now I am so glad and excitedly anticipating positive change by implementing steps 2,3. I did turn around the Spouse Fulfilling Prophecy and will definitely say it to myself and my husband. I do look forward to major changes as I can only go up from here!!! Awaiting only the best!!!
So true Laura. I love SFPs!!! I try to write down words of admirations to use as SFPs in the future. Building my husband up has done amazing things for my marriage. You really pegged it!!!
My 12 year old son doesn’t like my SFPs at all. “Mom, I hate when you talk like that.” I’m not sure what I need to do differently with him yet. I’m still experimenting.
Thanks for the great article.
Hi Laura this is so great – i can really relate to you in your story. So my new SFP for my husband is that he is so thoughtful and considerate! I just told him that this morning since he swept off the snow for me in the walkway.
Also I know for a fact that these SFP really do work as he is a drinker (and based on one of your success stories here) my SFP has been that he is very responsible. Ever since I have given myself and him this perspective I have absolutely no problem and no urge to control his drinking any longer. It is a relief.
This gives me hope as my husband is a drinker also, and it drives me crazy. I try to control it too. I like the SFP, “My husband is responsible.” I’m going to use that one and, “My husband is helpful.” Thanks for the article Laura! And thanks for the SFP K ????
Sweet