Not Attracted to Your Husband?
When I married my husband, I thought he was the most handsome, smart, funny, talented guy I’d ever met. I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
But a few short years into our marriage, I couldn’t remember anything I liked about him. He seemed pathetic, immature, lacking ambition and sloppy.
He was the same guy, but my view of him had changed.
I thought I made a mistake and should divorce and try to find someone who suited me better.
Looking back, I now realize that I would have found myself in the same situation with the next handsome, smart, funny, talented guy.
I had 3 behaviors that were making my husband seem less attractive.
They weren’t enhancing the rest of my life, either. At all.
It wasn’t until I changed those habits that I went back to seeing him the way I did on our wedding day.
When I finally woke up and realized what I was doing, I noticed I wasn’t the only one. Lots of wives have these same tendencies, and they contribute to a lot of NET (Needless Emotional Turmoil) and even divorce.
Here’s what the bad habits are, along with what you can do to turn your frog back into a prince:
Contents
1. Male bashing
Jenna was surprised when her husband decided to hose off their sick kid after he threw up instead of putting him in the tub.
Jessica found it unbelievable that her husband wanted to watch sports for so many hours on the weekend.
Haley found it completely unreasonable that her husband wouldn’t let her throw out his holey t-shirts.
Men really are from some other planet than women, no doubt about it. And when we expect men to do anything the way women do things, we’re bound to be disappointed.
I used to have a bad habit of getting together with other women to talk about how ridiculous, thoughtless and immature men are, and I punctuated my points with examples of my husband enjoying inane shows like The Three Stooges, or not wiping off the counter when he cleaned the kitchen, or proposing hamburgers when I said I wanted to have a healthy lunch.
But talking about men–including my own husband–that way and hearing my friends put their men down didn’t help me feel more accepting and closer to my guy. Quite the opposite: it had me questioning why I decided to live with him in the first place.
He picked up on it when I made snide remarks echoing the finely-honed put-downs we’d fashioned in our male bashing sessions, and he reacted defensively–which just reinforced my negative view of him.
That’s not a fun place to go, but a night of male bashing with my girlfriends would reliably get me to that lonely spot.
These days when I hear a woman starting down that old dirt road, I’m quick to change the subject, knowing she’s not going anywhere I want to go.
When I focus instead on all the ways my husband makes my life richer–making me laugh, making my tea in the morning, paying the bills, making up songs about me–I remember exactly why I chose him.
In fact, now I hear so many stories of men knocking themselves out to make their wives and girlfriends happy or to serve their families, my whole perspective has changed.
These days I see examples of men being chivalrous, thoughtful and heroic every day, which I admire very much.
2. Mothering my husband
Any time you tell your husband to “settle down” or “put that away” or even “take out the trash,” you’ve just left the role of his wife and lover and started acting like his mother.
The same is true if you remind him to call his mom, wake him up for work, or act like his nurse when he’s ailing physically.
I wrote about this in a blog about what to do if your husband is not attracted to you, but it’s just as likely to cause you to feel less attracted to him, or even repulsed by him.
When I was doing maternal things for my husband, I found him really unappealing. Since mothers are not sexually attracted to their sons, putting myself in that role was a terrible set up for sustaining passion and intimacy.
Turns out he didn’t want to be parented, and he responded badly when I acted like his smother mother. I couldn’t believe he would be so ungrateful and rude when I was sacrificing doing what I wanted to do so I could help him with his responsibilities!
These days, I’m much more focused on myself than what he’s doing or not doing. Even when he’s sick, I’m sympathetic, but also quick to say he’s a strong man instead of telling him to lie down or keep his foot elevated. He’s smart enough to figure all of that out himself.
The result is that he seems much more competent and capable to me, which is far more attractive, and I’m also more attractive to him without the maternal aura. And part of what I’m attracted to about him is how well he admires me. Win-win!
3. Making myself a martyr
Another bad habit I had in my early marriage was being the martyr who was constantly working her fingers to the bone and getting cranky about it a lot.
I was giving so much I was miserable. And to be honest, I hated pretty much everyone.
I especially hated my husband, because…he happened to be nearby.
Since I was not happy, he clearly was not making me happy.
It wouldn’t have mattered if I was married to Ryan Gosling’s character from The Notebook–I would have thought he was a worthless, incompetent baby.
That’s how miserable I was.
It really had nothing to do with my unsuspecting husband, who didn’t force me to deplete myself with things I thought I had to do. I did that myself.
Today, I’m focused on doing everything I can to make myself happy, including taking naps, gabbing with my friends and playing volleyball, for example. And guess what?
My husband seems waaaaay more attractive.
Yours will too when you stop male-bashing, mothering and making yourself a martyr.
53 replies on “Not Attracted to Your Husband?”
Thank u
I believe you hit the nail right on the head.
Laura, thanks so much for the work you are doing. I could have saved myself a great deal of misery if I had found you sooner. My husband and I married when I was 55 and he was 56. We both were grateful and happy to have found each other and I thought that gratitude would mean we would always appreciate and adore each other. I began working hard to do everything possible for him from housework, laundry and cooking to all the “clerical” type stuff and planning … because I’m very good at it. Over the years he became more and more resentful and angry. When he wanted to do his “own” laundry I argued that “laundry is laundry.” I interpreted his attempts to do housework as being critical of my work. He also started complaining that he felt like I thought he was stupid. None of that was true, I was really trying to help him and be the perfect wife. And, of course, his comments and complaints did NOT make ME feel loving. Then, I found your book and website. And, little by little, I am making changes in the way I behave and perceive his actions. There is a lot to do … we have been married 16 years but I do believe things are getting better and I find that doing nice things for myself and recognizing the things he tries to do for me is key. Thank you for being here.
Gini, Great to hear that you’re finding my work helpful in your marriage. Sounds like you’re on the right track! Congratulations!
I just really enjoyed what you said, i was starting to believe first marriages were just different than second ones…i went through alot of this with my first but remarried at 50 (my first husband died) and didn’t expect history to repeat itself…anyway i guess i thought alot of what ive been reading was aimed at first timers and younger women.
Thank you. I see a difference within three days in myself, my husband & my marriage after reading and listening to you on the webinar. Thanks a million.
As always, thank you for sharing your wisdom and insights.
Great article but what do you do when your husband picks up a new habit that drives you crazy, like combing his beard with a fork at the dinner table, or taking out dental floss and flossing his teeth anywhere and everywhere?
Charisse, that’s hilarious about the fork as beard comb at dinner! As far as I can tell, ALL husbands have quirky habits. For me the magic came when I made myself feel good with self-care instead of focusing on what he was doing wrong. In the great scheme of things, finding toenails on the couch is not as significant for me as being with a man who pulled me up to dance with him in the kitchen this morning at breakfast. As the Girl of Fun and Light, I stay focused on my mission to be happy, and so I am.
Dear Laura,
I am so thankful for your wisdom and for helping me to leave “marriage purgatory” where I dragged myself and my sweet loving husband to. I too wish I had discovered you sooner—but—better late than never! Your story resonates with mine in a myriad of ways. Looking forward to more wonderful changes as I follow your advice and attempt to practice the skills. Happy Valentine’s day!
My husband talks negative about many situations in his life. I empathize with him in my mind many times though I try to overcome and be more positive even if it is just to better myself. I will sympathize and listen to him for hours and have done so for many years up until awhile ago. This makes him unattractive to me. Also when I tune out because I can’t listen anymore even with saying I HEAR YOU and OUCH he feels rejected and like I am distancing him which maybe I am.
I would like to be close and attracted again but not if it means being angry together with him.
I am also upset with him because he is taking years to follow up with proper accommodations for our family because of his insecurity.
Thanks for your support i know that you love people without strings and that is amazing thanks
Sara, Sorry to hear that your husband is bringing you down when you listen. Sounds tough. I also hear you using the Intimacy Skills, and I admire that! Sounds like you could use more support and personalization. Consider having a complimentary discovery call to uncover the best move you could make for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
I recently went through the same situation by self. Oh boy that this article describe me to the “T”. But thanks God I got myself together and turn those criticism to praising by husband and looking at the wonderful man that I married 36 years ago and that will give his life for me.
Thank you for this.
Oh my gosh thank you for this lesson! I wish I had found this lesson years ago.
I love this and all your articles Laura, very insightful and inspiring. Only thing that came to my mind when reading is that my husband does these things to me all the time (woman bashes on daily basis-i say ouch he apologizes then does again) that you say not to do and unfortunately not every woman lives a life where she can do what she wants all the time. Not being a naysayer it’s just that yes I totally agree that if everyday i woke up and did what i wanted instead of what my husband wanted i would 100% agree with your sentiments. But thats just not a 24/7 reality. Also, my husband at times wants to be babied especially when he’s sick so i found that part confusing. Nevertheless i appreciate your articles and i agree that in the scenario you present above, the woman would truly be happy. Thanks
Susan, I can really identify with what you’ve written–I felt the same way about not being able to practice self-care, and being hyper-focused on what my husband was doing and what he seemed to want instead of focusing on my own feelings and desires. Have you read my new book, The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband?s Time, Attention, and Affection? You’d find it really valuable.
I wish I could have read this as a young married person, but as a seasoned wife of 20 years -I now find my husband as attractive as I did when we were first married. I learned these lessons the hard way through our relationship, and am happy you are sharing this with other young marrieds and seasoned marrieds alike. Great advice!
So you’re saying I should stop washing my husband’s laundry and folding his clothes and just let him do it by himself? Also, isn’t taking care of them when they’re sick a loving thing to do? I’m confused.
Carlene, I was very confused too, and it really hurt our intimacy. Only you know what’s best for your marriage–you’re the expert on your own life. My experience was that doing less ended up making us both much happier. You’ll figure out what works for you. The book The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband?s Time, Attention, and Affection for Life might give you some insight.
So how would you ask him to take out the rubbish? Do we just do it ourselves?
Tina, It’s the age-old problem, right? All over the world women are wondering how to get their husbands to take out the trash! For me, it was very effective to express my gratitude when he took it out and ignore it the rest of the time. Oh, and I also focused on my own happiness instead of letting the overflowing trash be the headline. There’s so much volleyball to think about…
Laura, I hope you’ll read and answer this, it’s breaking my heart! I’ve read your book and whole heartedly agree.
My problem is my man is not hygienic. He smells bad above and below and neglects his mouth terribly. He made great efforts to be clean and sexy when we were dating, but after I moved in he stopped. I gag when I try to be near him and he doesn’t care enough to be clean smell good for me.
This is quickly becoming a deal breaker. Please, please respond!
Jane, Sorry to hear about this challenge in your relationship. I know a few things you can do to improve the situation dramatically and I’m trying to think of the best way to get you what you need. I think this webinar would probably be the best way I can help you in a hurry:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Take notes if you can.
But trust me, this hygiene issue won’t be such a problem as you practice the Intimacy Skills.
Thank YOU
I so look forward to your email in my inbox. I read and read then fall back into old habits but then remember the emails and get back on track. Keep it up. It really really helps. The media these days doesn’t help. It perpetuates negative feelings between couples. Makes me so sad.
Hi Laura,
I really identified with this article but still feel like I need more advice. After we married, I moved with my husband to his hometown (I know everyone thinks how awesome to live in Hawaii but even though I “look local,” I haven’t felt like I fit in ever since moving here and having only his family around me for holidays and special occasions. Plus the environment and culture is so different – everything is so “small town” to me and I have had the hardest time and keep asking to move back but he won’t because his parents and family are still here. Two kids later – I am more resentful of him than ever for “keeping” me here and not wanting to relocate back to California where I’m originally from and where we met. Now he says we’re “too old” to move back. So meanwhile I job-hop hoping to find a place to fit in and be happy – but I feel like I’m never going to be happy unless I move back to my home state. But I can’t up and leave my kids to have him and the grandparents to raise our kids. But what can I do to be happy?
Jan, Sorry to hear you’re feeling stuck in Hawaii. I agree that leaving your family to live in another state doesn’t sound like a great solution. I have some ideas for you, but it’s a longer conversation. Consider a discovery call where you can uncover the best next move for your relationship. You can apply here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Wow! Another great post! Your wisdom has been so helpful. Thank you! Always what I need to hear.
Do you have any articles on when your husband broods for days over something small. I’ve apologized as usual but I find my self in this pattern a lot.
Antoinette, That sounds rough! We used to have no-speaking days around here and they were no fun. Are you familiar with the 6 Intimacy Skills? If you haven’t read The Empowered Wife, you’ll find it very valuable. We haven’t had a brooding day in nearly 20 years now, so there is hope for you.
Hi Laura. Thanks for this post. I am actually struggling with this issue. The thing is, I actually don’t think I do any of those 3 things. My husband is generally very helpful without me asking or nagging- we have stressful and busy lives, but I don’t feel like I need to mother him or be a martyr. I don’t engage in male bashing or husband bashing, at least not regularly.
I fear that maybe my taste in men just changed over time, his personality became boring and predictable, and he is not all that passionate, confident or exciting to me.
I know that sounds selfish, and I would like to find a solution to my lack of attraction that involves ME making a change in my mindset and my actions. I am wondering if there could be other things beyond what is mentioned here that women do that make us less attracted to our husbands.
thanks!
Lex, It’s awful to not feel attracted to your husband, and I remember struggling with that myself pre-Intimacy Skills. I could not remember for the life of me why I married him! Fast-forward and I’m VERY attracted. I think he’s amazing again.
I don’t think you’re selfish. I think you just haven’t had the right training.
This is solvable, but it’s a longer conversation than a blog response, so I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
I thought i was the only one. Divorce has come up in our conversations, but this article really makes me rethink everything.
Thank you!!!!
very nice
I can deal with the minor annoyances you mentioned here. All marriages have these little quirks and I get that. But what if what disgusts you about your husband is his hygiene/grooming habits that he has decided to slack on after you have been married awhile? My husband literally is disgusting! I have sent subtle and not so subtle hints. I have made comments how a man that smells good and takes pride in himself are so much more attractive. To no avail I might add. I am at my wits end. I want zero to do with him. From the not bathing every day to the nasty halitosis to the unkempt facial hair. I am completely disgusted. He is an adult. I should not have to ask/beg him to do these things and I refuse to “mother” him to get him to be clean.
After implementing the skills over 2 years my husband is so happy in our relationship and I can tell he loves me more, shows it more. I still care about him, but unlike when I started, the attraction is gone! This is the first time in 20 years together… I have always craved his attention and affection but now I don’t! Its really wierd and its definitely not because any of the things in this article. What I really appreciate about the skills, is they clarify things, you can be empowered to change things and tune into yourself as a woman. So I’m just so grateful that I found them. I’m hoping this is just a phase, but it feels like the skills have clarified things in making breaking up feel like the wisest decision. I’m just going to see how things go over time as I’m pregnant and it’s definitely not a good time to leave over the next few years. Any advice from others appreciated!
Dear Laura, Thank you for sharing your wisdom with all of your readers! Like your book, I really appreciate your posts! For me, the sentence that popped out hits home in many areas of my life:
Since I was not happy, he certainly wasn’t making me happy.
I think this statement is a profound reflection and truth that one can apply to many different realms of life. Sometimes it really helps to hear it and see it written! Bam!!
We will be married for 25 years and we have no intimacy it’s been about two years any articles or books you suggest I have tried counseling in the past and it never worked the couseler talk more about there lives then my issues
This is a very eye opening article. I have been with my wife for 9 years and she picked up all of my slack in the relationship whether it was paying bills, all the cleaning, making appointments etc. To sum it up I was a terrible partner who put so much unnecessary stress and work on my wife. About 9 months ago this came up in therapy and a light bulb went off and I have been doing everything I can to make sure I pull my weight and take as much off her plate as possible. She sees this but says shes not sure how long it will take for her to be attracted to me again. I love her so much and would like any advise you can give on how to make my wife be attracted to me again
Jane, I wanted to reply to you because I think your problem might have a simple fix. Pregnancy hormones can play havoc with your feelings. I know plenty of women who have avoided intimacy with their husbands while pregnant, and one or two who really disliked their husbands and even thought of leaving.
After having the baby their feelings changed again, so hang on a bit longer and see if there is really a problem or if it’s a pregnancy related thing.
Best of luck with your pregnancy and birth!
Do you think the six intimacy skills can help if my husband has an unhealthy(dependency-type) relationship with someone he admires and it’s affecting our marriage? For example, if this person tells my husband we should host someone and I’m pregnant, feeling sick and not up to it, my husband will insist we have to (because he wants to make this person happy). Or if that person tells something nasty to my husband about me( he said I’m not a hard worker) he will come home and repeat it to me and say it’s true. Also, this person tells my husband not to help me with the kids and my husband listens to him- and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. Is this something the six intimacy skills can fix? Thank you!
Shevy, You shouldn’t have to feel like your husband is putting someone else’s desires ahead of yours. That’s not right–especially when you’re pregnant. Getting a coach will definitely help you stop feeling so neglected, insulted and alone and start feeling taken care of, connected and special. You can join the waitlist for the Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here:
https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/
My husband and i married later in life. It has been very depressing to me. We have only been married 2.5 years and it has harly ever been fun. I feel more like his roomate or friend than a wife. He seems to have wanted a wife for all the wrong reasons, for when HE wanted to NOT be alone. But other than that, he does his thing and i do mine. Its so sickening to me. My biggest mistake was signing a pre nup. He wouldn’t have married me if i hadn’t. First sign of this is wrong. Pre nup is not a Biblical thing and not a good start of a Godly marriage. He’s not rich at all. All he has is a house that his grandparents left him. I contribute half of all the house bills, including taxes and insurance, but i am not on the deed and i cannot claim anytjing. I pay for half of all his foods as we purchase groceries from a house account we have, yet any food i have to buy cause i have a 2 hour commute cause he doesnt want to move, i pay for with my own money, which he calls my disposable funds. I am so lonely and i feel i am wasting time. I now feel it’s not fair. I have given him 3 years and i have put alot into the house, to just file for divorce and walk away and let him just continue his pathetic boring routine life? I’m hurt, i’m upset and i am very down about this. I never used to put him down and i don’t act like his mom, but i keep myself busy, otherwise, we are at the house doing nothing and being unproductive. I have four grown kids and 3 grandkids and i rather spend time with them than with the husband that clearly doesnt love me and clearly doesnt care to take care of me in any way.
I was this woman. That led him to have an emotional affair, and an attempted physical affair. He was so angry I found out and kicked him out, he filed for divorce. (He didn’t follow thru) Now we are dealing with the aftermath of deception and betrayal. How do I go back and fix all of the ways that I was (listed here), and now I have to heal from the heartbreak of the repercussions of my womanly ways?? (Yes, I realize the affair was not my fault.) The pain of the truth makes him unattractive in deeper ways listed here. I hate him for what he did. No amount of cleaning up after himself is going to change that. ??
Ooohh, girl, where are my steel toed boots when I need them? Some of this steps all over my little toes. But you are so right, the hubs doesn’t need bashing… or even bossing. He’s already got a mama, and I don’t make a very good martyr. So there. I admit I’ve been guilty of all three. Now, to intentionally avoid falling into these traps in the future! I think I can. Having Prince Charming back around is worth it. Thanks for telling me what I didn’t want to hear!
I have been married for 9 in half years when I first met my husband my oldest was 6 and I had no other children . when I first met my husband I loved him I was I. In love with him and this was his second marriage .I thought I never wanted another child but my husband and I had another child . I am 48 and my husband is 41 my. Daughter by him is 7. I swear now I love my husband and not in love with him. I am not attracted to him because he has done so much to hurt me he is not good in finances communication and sex that’s a understand statement the stress I have I don’t want to any more I am so frustrated my oldest attends Barry university in Miami . I feel so lost with out her before I got married it was just us me and her . my parents would have been married 45 years my dad passed in 2005 my mom is still mourning .I need help my husband is by polar and I believe he cheats .I am a correctional officer for 22 years in Nov. He is funeral director I need help I want to walk away so bad but don’t know what to do he needs help mental evaluation but he swears nothing is wrong
My husband openly asks me to be his mommy; that’s the word he uses. I just tell him I can’t do that. (It’s a huge turn-off.)
Related but not the same: he wants me to go to every doctors’ appointment and medical treatment with him. (They are numerous; he is having some health issues.) I finally convinced him he could handle an appointment on his own and — wouldn’t you know — the doctor told him he, the doctor, would appreciate it if I would come to the appointments. ?♀️ They called me from the examining room so I couldn’t suspect he was making this up!
Male bashing is so common place now. Do you think women do this to feel more empowered? I know my man’s friends often bash females in their banter…women are less intelligent, they are nags, they are a nuisance, they are crazy, they are terrible drivers… Maybe we unwittingly bash them to feel better about ourselves?
This article is great! My husband would be devasted if he passed my computer and saw the title. Eeek!
I wonder what would you do if your husband hasn’t done any house chores, like none,in 20 years?I do all the chores and most of the little things,like buying and changing filters,light bulbs,switches painting, nailing and repairing small things,and even doing little things on our very old suburban.I also cook everything from scratch,every day ,every meal as we have 3 young kids.He will even forget to change the laundry (he doesn’t know how to do laundry though),even after calling him numerous times.He’s gotten less attractive and picked really weird habits. He is only 44 and his face all wrinkly even though he only sits on the computer like 20/7.He literally doesn’t do any exercise nor physical work.It is true that he pays the bills,but this is something that he’s been doing after we had the kids.Before the kids ,while he lived in my condo,he wasn’t helping with the bills and I paid for everything I owned.
There is so much work that needs to be done in our house that I am too exhausted to ask.Its been years since I started asking him,but days turned into weeks,months and now it’s been years.The july he promised me 3 years ago is long gone. My kids still don’t have a light in their rooms,and 6 months later I am waiting ti be fixed,only God know when will that happen.
Also,I believe there is more female bashing than male.Every standup comedy guy makes jokes about wives/females,and my husband enjoys that and believes females do have many issues.
Sometimes I wish men to be in female shoes and experience all the female hormones that comes with age,periods and childbirth. They do none of this and still whine about not having sex daily.
They are pure selfish and disgusting!!!
Sorry for my long message.I am just to upset about this “let’s treat our lazy,selfish,some good for nothing men” a little better.
Dear Laura,
I am so thankful for your wisdom and for helping me to leave “marriage purgatory” where I dragged myself and my sweet loving husband to. I too wish I had discovered you sooner—but—better late than never! Your story resonates with mine in myriad of ways. Looking forward to more wonderful changes as I follow your advice and attempt to practice the skills. Happy Valentine’s day!
This is the worst advice I’ve ever heard
I agree, Sandea