My Lazy Husband Became My Selfless Hero
Empowered Wife Courtney
A Smile a Day Kept Divorce Away
Have you ever met someone who just radiates positivity? Someone so happy and wonderful it makes you cringe?
That wasn’t me.
If you had known me BCE (Before Coaching Era), you’d know that I always had a complaint.
From the house not being clean enough to the kids being too loud, anything that happened in my life always had a negative spin.
My husband, on the other hand, is the eternal optimist. So whenever I had a complaint, it really rubbed him the wrong way.
Sometimes my issue would be about something general, but often it was about him or something he had done. He could never measure up to the idealistic image I had for how he should act.
For instance, it seemed like common sense that because my husband stayed home with our kids and I was out working, it was his job to maintain the house. For me, that included keeping it very clean every single day, having dinner on the table when I got home, and listening to all of my complaints about work.
Honestly, it’s pretty embarrassing to admit that’s how I felt, but years ago, I really did think those things were his job!
Do you think I had an intimate marriage? I sure didn’t. I was constantly unhappy, and he felt berated because he never measured up.
What I didn’t know then was the powerful skill would change not just my marriage, but my whole life
Contents
1. I Wanted It to Work but Wasn’t Sure It Could
If your marriage is in crisis, the last thing you probably feel like doing is putting on a smile and thanking your hubby for every little thing he does. All I wanted to do was yell at mine about how hard I was working and how lazy I thought he was.
But as Laura teaches, expressing gratitude three times a day will make a lasting impact and help to transform your marriage. I didn’t want to thank him, but I remember my coach telling me that I had the power to make my marriage better. It was this nugget of truth that helped me to actually practice the Intimacy Skills™.
Since I was so unhappy and desperate to see any kind of results, I promised my coach that I would take on her homework. Three gratitudes a day? What in the world would I say?
From my viewpoint, my husband didn’t do anything. I went to work forty hours a week while he stayed home with our two boys. They were too young for school, so all three of them just hung out all day.
Not only did the house barely get cleaned as well as I thought it should, I was lucky if I didn’t have to cook dinner after working all day. Forget about self-care or being the Girl of Fun and Light!
From my perspective, my husband literally did nothing I could thank him for. But I was committed to completing my homework, so I looked really hard for something to thank him for.
I think the first day I thanked him for doing the dishes, taking out the trash, and checking the mail. Even that was hard to say and felt very disingenuous.
2. I Got My Miracle
As I continued to express gratitude, it became easier to find things to thank my husband for.
No longer did I have to struggle to look for things to thank him about; instead, he transformed before my eyes into a man who did countless things for our children and me every day.
He became more involved and attentive regarding the care of our children. Scheduling doctors’ appointments or attending parent-teacher conferences were tasks that he took off my plate.
I realized that through my negative filter, I hadn’t recognized the good things he was already doing. In truth, he did clean every day. Little did I know, but two- and four-year-old boys make messes faster than you can clean them up. All I saw was the evidence of their latest mess, not the twenty other messes that had already been cleaned before I came home.
The timeline is different for every woman and every situation, but for me, it took only a month or two for the power of gratitude to really take hold in my life.
Shifting my focus to the positive rather than the negative showed my husband a softer and different side of me. He liked being acknowledged for the things he was doing, so it had a ripple effect of inspiring him to do even more around the house.
When the dishwasher broke, he called the landlord before I had a free moment to do it. He went grocery shopping more often to take that burden off my shoulders.
He seemed to want to be around me more too. We started spending more time together in the evenings instead of him rushing off to his friends’ house the moment I got home.
3. The New and Improved Me
It’s impossible for me to quantify or even describe the power that Laura’s work has had in my life. But the one absolute statement I can make is that I am happy.
I’m a happy person. I choose to look at the positives in life instead of dwelling on the negative side of things. Last month, our washing machine broke. It was only about four months old, and we struggled to get someone to come out and fix it. Instead of being consumed by my frustration, I was thankful that the repairs were covered under our warranty and that we didn’t have to pay a dime.
Like Laura says, what you focus on increases.
I choose to focus on the blessings in my life. I have a loving husband and children. I am so lucky to have the life I have, and I embrace both the perfect parts and the less-than-perfect parts. Sure, I wish we had more in our savings account and our yard wasn’t so full of weeds. But I’m thankful that we have a home and food in the fridge.
Gratitude has given me the ability to choose what to focus on. As my comfort with this Skill grew, I began thanking my husband for things other than cleaning.
I was able to thank him for being a devoted husband, an involved father, a supportive spouse. He demonstrates incredible emotional depth, he’s intelligent, and he’s driven. He’s always been this way—I just never saw it.
Just recently, he made a huge sacrifice for me. For the last seven years, he has stayed at home with our boys while I’ve been the breadwinner. Now, I’m burnt out and want to be home more while I grow my freelance writing career.
He offered to take on full-time work so I can live my dream. I get to be with my kids every day and do what I love from the comfort of my sweatpants, while he works hard to take care of us. If that doesn’t show the power that gratitude has on our husbands, I don’t know what does!
In the past, the only things I focused on were his shortcomings. Yet with the power of gratitude and by focusing on positivity, I can see him for the selfless man that he is.
My girlfriends have even noticed a change!
I used to complain about my circumstances nonstop, but now I shift my focus and look at challenges as opportunities for growth. Often I have to press pause for just a minute and ask myself whether having a negative outlook will serve me. When I realize it would only be a detriment, I make the conscious choice to look at the bright side.
When my self-care is low, I can see my positive focus slipping. My happiness is a great barometer for how well I’m doing with all six of the Intimacy Skills.
If I feel distant from my husband or irritated at something he’s done, I know that I need to focus on gratitude. Like magic, getting back on track with expressing gratitude three times a day completely shifts my perspective.
I’m so thankful for these Skills and for the Skill of gratitude in particular. My work with Laura has completely changed me as a person. I am happy and hopeful, and I appreciate every gift my life presents to me.
24 replies on “My Lazy Husband Became My Selfless Hero”
I love this. And I love the Six Intimacy Skills. But here’s the question. I’ve done the work on me. I am happy most of the time. I work really hard to stay positive. My husband is a self-admitted grump. It’s a joke around our household, because we try to keep it light (he sometimes laughs, sometimes at himself, and sometimes grumps away from us without a word, which generally translates into “I know I’m being grumpy but don’t want to admit it”). It’s alienated him at work, and he knows it, and he knows he needs to work on it.
Here’s the question. What if someone is so entrenched in being grumpy that it literally is as if your thank you’s and compliments and smiles bounce off and never penetrate? It’s exhausting, honestly. Once he decides he’s in a mood to punish, I’m his punching bag. He may simply give me the cold shoulder, or he may lash out at me over dumb stuff. When pressed, if he’s honest, he’ll usually say something like “I just don’t feel close to you,” but I’m here and open and it’s him who needs to let down his walls. He KNOWS all this. In his most humble moments, he will say, “Please tell me when I’m acting like a baby” but most of the time, when I approach him with a hug or a smile or a kiss, he grumps right back at me. It’s depressing, and I try very hard to not let it bring me down… but it’s exhausting and I don’t always succeed.
I know it’s on me, I KNOW I can change things. But I can’t change his nature. If he wants to punish, he will punish. And I will do my best to smile through it and keep loving him, but my heart aches more each day and it gets harder and harder. What am I still doing wrong?
Corinne, I’m happy to hear you’re having some success with the Intimacy Skills. I know how much courage that takes, and I admire that. It’s true that you can’t change your husband’s nature, and it can be so frustrating to live with a grumpy bear all the time. I wouldn’t like that either. Fortunately, this situation is solvable, although not in a blog response unfortunately. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches might be right for you. I would love to see you get support around this and shift the relationship completely to higher ground. You can apply here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Corinne,
Thank for your post. I just kept thinking is out the “ouch” technique. When his anger hurts, say ouch and leave it at that. I recognized that I would express when my husband hurt me, he would get frustrated and then I would try to soothe his frustrations. Not anymore. He has been taking responsibility for his anger. Blessings on your marriage adventure. It is not easy! 🙂
Love this!!!
Great reminder, Courtney. I love Laura’s work, and the Skills are powerful tool that I am thankful to have learned about.
Keep up the great work, Laura! I look forward to every Thursday!!!
My husband benefits greatly from this idea of looking for the positive and showing gratitude for what he does do. He does do more around the house when I show my appreciation for every little task he does. Here’s the problem, if at any time I would (mistakenly) be a drop critical he would blow up at me and say that ‘you see, you don’t really appreciate ALL that I do” and that would be the end. I have tried this many times and we’ve had some nice few positive weeks and then he just gets upset about something and that is the end! It is sooooooo hard. I feel like I am walking on eggshells.
m, That IS hard! I couldn’t be perfect either. Luckily for me there is grace in my relationship because things are good around here most of the time. But it took a while for my husband to get the memo that I was no longer the queen of finding fault like it was buried treasure. It’s like making deposits in a bank account–when you need some extra they’re in there. You’re not the only one who loses it sometimes–we all do.
As I was reading I thought, who was recording my life! I can’t believe this is my same story.. What a blessing that a friend on Facebook sent a request to like a Laura Doyle relationship coach and I’ve been blessed every since.. Thank you
Catina, Welcome to our community! It’s nice to know we’re not the only ones, huh?
Thank you Laura! Oh yesssss.. When you’re going through it , it feels like everyone is soooo happy except for you.. However, when you hear the testimony that you’ve shared with us , I feel hopeful again..
My boyfriend of more than six years walked out about eight months ago. He had told me he was unhappy about four months prior to that. I had read Surrendered Wife shortly after he told me that. I had recently experienced the loss of a close family member. Needless to say, I wasn’t in a good place emotionally, but I did try to fake it til I made it. The thing is that he blames everything on himself. He wouldn’t accept my apologies. When I do things to take care of myself, he said he felt bad because he knew I was doing it for him. I fluctuated between being controlling and surrendering. It didn’t go well, and he left. He’s deeply emotional. When he left, he just left. He did not say goodbye to me or the kids. It was too hard for him to do that. In fact, he stayed as long as he did to avoid facing them. He wanted to leave and I said let’s tell the kids, and he ended up staying another month because he didn’t want to tell them. We have stayed in touch. He actually comes over once or twice a week now to help me out with some things around the house. I asked him about four months ago if we could start again. He said he didn’t think we could be together. Three months ago I asked if he would have lunch with me and he did. Since then he’s been coming over helping me. He says things like he’s thinking about it, but he doesn’t want to come back unless he can be sure he won’t leave again. He has said he loves me, and that we are important to him. He’s sorry for hurting me. Recently I read The Empowered Wife. I’ve practiced expressing desires, showing gratitude, being respectful, etc. The thing is, he still thinks he’s the bad person. I say these things to him, and he feels BAD. He tells me he never thinks bad about me. I didn’t do anything wrong. When I say things in person, he seems like he can’t leave fast enough. If I say anything by text regarding my desires or even my gratitude, I get no response at all, and he won’t initiate contact with me for days afterward. I actually feel like I’m pushing him farther away. He is a really good, kind, caring person, and I know I’m the one that needed to change. Have you had cases like this? Everything in the books ring true for me except the part where he’s angry.
Wendy, What a heartbreak to have your family split up like this. I admire how you’ve responded with such commitment to be the best girlfriend you can be. It must be frustrating that you’re not getting a better response, but you’re definitely on the right path to make your relationship passionate and playful again. Sometimes it takes a while to get past the discomfort of the change to a new dance. Your accountability is a big strength. I’d love to see you get more support. It makes such a difference and you have a lot at stake. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches is right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I just started re-reading The Surrendered Wife book. I had forgotten the part about letting others be experts in their own lives and taking care of my own life. It really is a relief to just take care of myself and my job. I have plenty to work on myself.
Like Corinne, my thank-yous just bounce right off. I’m working the 6 skills and my side of the street. I even was told that he didn’t want to be thanked and he found it irritating. What to do???
Corrine, That is rough! I admire that you’re sticking with it though. For me gratitude was a great way to focus on what I wanted to increase regardless of how my husband reacted. It’s not unusual to have an adjustment period where he’s reacting to the new dance with discomfort. You might try tweaking it a little to say, “I’m so happy that [insert the thing you would thank him for].” Like, “I’m so happy you’re driving us,” or “I’m so happy the floor is vacuumed!” I had a client with with the same comments from her husband and after a few months he stopped complaining and started thanking her.
He gets downright mad when I express gratitude. As mean and snarky as he can: ” Oh, did that PLEASE you, your majesty?”?? “You just don’t get it.”
Even my ‘ouch’ to that is met with extreme anger. I don’t feel safe continuing to say anything that sounds like thank you or I’m so happy…
(nothing physical, just emotionally safe)
Like Corrine, That sounds very stressful! I wouldn’t like that either. I’m impressed that you’ve used Ouch! too, and how awful to get extreme anger when you’re being vulnerable like that. I see why you’re not feeling emotionally safe. When I was first trying the Intimacy Skills, it was very hit and miss for me too, as there was a lot of buildup of resentment, sarcasm and contempt. So it was like touching someone with a sunburn that I didn’t know about. All I did was pat him on the back and he was yelling! But that passed and now the culture here is very emotionally safe and there’s lots of gratitude and saying how happy I am. So there’s definitely hope for you! Having a support group made a big difference for me. I’d love to see you have that too. Attending this free webinar would be a good start:
How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Thanks. So you’re saying to just keep doing it, even though it makes him mad every single time?
I have to admit, he did some laundry today for the first time in ages. I didn’t approach with a thank you, though I did smile a lot and tried to flirt and rub his shoulders – its not a verbal but maybe he gets the same message? I can’t tell.
Like Corrine, Sometimes there’s some discomfort around the changes in my experience. You’re the expert on your life and your marriage, so only you know what’s best for you. Sounds like you had a win! Love that!
This all sounds fine and dandy. But what if you do relinquish the control and the spouse doesn’t assume it? My husband does not take the initiative for anything: paying the bills, grocery shopping, dinner out, vacation planning, gift buying, health maintenance, etc. I have left those things undone in the past but after one late car payment (which my name is on) it became too risky to ‘wait until he absorbs the change’. We have been married 32 years and each year that goes by we drift further and further apart. We spend more time not speaking to each other than having conversations. We have gotten to the point where the most we say to each other in a day is “what do you want for dinner’. I have made suggestions in the past with regard to sharing responsibilities but it will last about a week and then fall back to me doing EVERYTHING. I am in control and really don’t want to be. I feel like we are on a long car ride and I am ALWAYS the driver while he sits back as the passenger with little interest in the scenery.
Cathy, I remember feeling the same way–that I had to do everything because my husband wasn’t being responsible. It was lonely and overwhelming. But not anymore. He handles more than I do, and is always surprising me with taking initiative to do even more. I would love to see you get your hands on the Six Intimacy Skills, which I lay out step-by-step in the book (and audiobook), The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here:
https://lauradoyle.org/first-kill-all-the-marriage-counselors/
Gratitude works miracles!!’ I loved this post:)
I have been working on the intimacy skills for about a month now and it is going great! He kisses me all the time, grabs me and hugs me for no reason, helps out more with the kids. The list goes on! He even hung pictures on the wall today without me asking!!! They had been on the floor in a pile for awhile and he knew I wanted them hung and just did it! I thanked him and said how much I appreciated it. But they are not at all where I was wanting them. How do I deal with this? Do I tell him? Do I move them? Or do I just deal with them not being where I was hoping for? I really appreciate him hanging them and don’t want to take away from that. Thanks!
Amanda, Congratulations on your success with the Intimacy Skills! I know that takes a lot of courage. For me, I like to express my desires as much as I can. Sounds like you have some desires about the pictures that he doesn’t yet know about, correct? My husband loves to know what I want so he can make me happy. I bet yours does too. You don’t have to complain–just let him know what you want.
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